04x01 - Boy with the Pancakes Tattoo

[bunniefuu]

Glenn: Who am I?

"Me Glenn."

What?

[ Groans ]

Ow!

[ Cries ]

[ All screaming ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Valerie: Hey! You with the hat!

Help us! Catch!

Blake: No!

Valerie: Hyah!

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Sy: Doctors, as you know, a new tattoo parlor has opened across the street.

Glenn: Yeah, kids are getting tatted up like prisoners.

Lola: Or top chefs, especially season 9.

Sy: They're giving their first-time customers kiddie tattoo kits.

Parents are outraged.

We're gonna fight back.

Laser tattoo removal.

The more that these kids make wrong life choices, the more we help them right those wrongs-- well, for a small fee.

So, it's really a lose/win/win.

Carry on.

Glenn: What's up?

I asked for the name of my band, "Blackout," but they put the word "pancakes" instead.

Lola: Well, I've never heard of blackout, and I love pancakes, so... [ coughs ]

Lola: Uh, are you taking any medications?

I...Don't know.

Lola: Are you allergic to anything?

I don't remember.

Lola: Okay, come on, Preston.

I don't have time for you to be a douche.

Glenn: Wait a second.

Isn't 11 years old too young to be douchey?

I'd like to order a brain scan.

And some pancakes.

Blake: Hello, val.

Or should I say, "Que pasa"?

Valerie: No, I'm not.

Blake: Damn it!

Valerie: Blake, if I ever go out with you, please lock me up, because it means that I have lost my mind.

Blake: I hope you do lose your mind someday, val.

And I will be there, and I will not lock you up, unless that's what crazy val likes.

Where you going?

Glenn: Check this out.

This is a normal brain scan.

And this is Preston's.

Green means good, red means bad.

This scan is textbook.

Lola: [ Muffled ] Amnesia!

Son of a bitch, the kid's got amnesia.

Glenn: Come on.

Did you take his blood pressure?

I don't remember.

Glenn: Wait a second.

Nurse Dori, what's your name?

I'm guessing from the context of your question, it's "Nurse Dori," but I don't remember.

[ Coughs ]

Lola: It's gone airborne.

Glenn: Nurse Dori, Preston, you stay here.

Do not leave this room, okay?

This room is quarantined.

And I got your pancakes.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

No, no, no!

[ Air hissing ]

[ Both coughing ]

Owen: Blood pressure looks good.

Let's begin.

[ Coughing ]

Owen: Scalpel.

Scalpel?

[ Coughs ]

Chief: Scalpel?

Owen: Did I say that?

Chief: Yes.

Owen: Wait, what are we doing here?

Is this -- is this a restaurant?

Chief: Oh, my God.

I'm not eating this!

Owen: Oh!

Chief: This steak is completely raw.

What kind of sick, twisted restaurant is this?

Owen: We are gonna destroy them on yelp!

Lola: Sy, we're dealing with airborne amnesia here.

Glenn: We could have a hospital pandemic on our hands.

Sy: Let's stay calm.

We need a plan.

We're gonna put the hospital on lockdown.

I think you two can be in charge of that.

Glenn: Right.

Lola: Okay.

Sy: I, on the other hand, am gonna make sure that my panic room... [ beeping ]

...is secure, sterile, and fully stocked.

Everything is good on my end.

I feel like you two are dragging on your end.

Stick to the plan.

Lola: Glenn, what if we get airborne amnesia?

Glenn: I have an idea.

Blake: [ Breathing deeply ]

So do I have an idea.

Where is val?

Valerie: [ Coughs ]

Blake: Uh, hey.

Uh, hey, val.

How's your mind feel today?

Valerie: You know who I am?

Blake: Yes, I'm a doctor.

Dr. Blake downs.

Valerie: Oh, doctor!

Why didn't you say so?

Blake: I just did say so.

Valerie: I love doctors.

Blake: I'm one.

Owen: What if we are the last two people on earth?

Chief: Were we preparing to eat this person to survive?

I'm gonna write God such a letter.

Owen: Babe, we don't have time for letters right now.

We need nourishment.

Pass me the salt.

Chief: I can't eat a kid.

Owen: Now, you listen to me.

I would want you to eat me, if it meant surviving.

Plus, it'd be kind of cool to come out of you as poo.

Chief: Wait!

But what if I'm a vegan?

Owen: Damn it!

[ Sobs ]

If we're not gonna eat this person, then I'm gonna at least put a baby inside of you to help our species survive.

Chief: But take it slow because I might be a virgin.

Owen: Fingers crossed.

Blake: Yup. Textbook amnesia.

Thank you, God.

Valerie: Am I gonna be okay, Dr. clown?

Blake: Yeah, val, you're gonna be fine.

And listen, call me Blake, okay?

Because, uh...I'm your boyfriend.

That's right.

And feel free to make love with me at any time.

Valerie: Okay.

That sounds great.

I mean, I don't know a lot about myself, but I do know that I have an insatiable sexual appetite.

Blake: [ Laughing ] I do not know how to react to that.

Glenn: We need these tattoos in case we lose our memories.

Lola: [ Groans ]

"Me Lola"?

Glenn: I don't know.

I was just trying to think of the simplest way to identify you.

Lola: [ Coughs ]

Oh, God.

I think I'm getting it, too.

Glenn: No!

Lola: Oh, I can feel my memories slipping away.

Aaaaaand...they're gone.

Hi. Are you my waiter?

We all have amnesia!

Who's in charge here?

Valerie: We have amnesia?

Blake: Yeah, everybody has amnesia except for me.

Clowns can't get amnesia, though we would like to forget Cirque du Soleil.

Everyone, to answer your question, I am in charge here.

Okay?

Because I am the king of this hospital -- King Dr. Blake Downs of Childrens Hospital.

Valerie: Oh, the only thing that gets me hotter than a doctor is a doctor who is also a king.

We all have amnesia!

Who's in charge here?!

Blake: [ Groans ]

Valerie: We have amnesia?

Blake: Yes!

Glenn: But we were wearing masks.

How could we get the virus?

Wait a second.

You and that boy with the pancakes tattoo, you both were exposed to this ink.

There's got to be a connection.

This ink is the source of the virus.

Don't worry.

Lola, I'll remember who we are, and I promise I'll save us.

I'll save us.

Owen: Oh!

Chief: Whoo!

Oh, boy. Whoo!

You must have done that before.

Owen: Clearly, you have, too.

There was some wiggle room up in there.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, what's this?

Oh, God, wait a second.

We're not the last two people on earth.

Chief: What?

Owen: We're in surgery.

We must be surgeons.

Chief: I gave you all of me for nothing?

Bastard!

Owen: We don't have time for slapping.

I got to take out this kid's gallbladder.

Quick, what's a gallbladder?

Blake: You, you're in charge of snacks and drinks, so go get me something to eat and something to wash it down with.

You, you'll be my lawyer, but a friend, too -- one I can confide in, you know?

You, you'll be my bodyguard.

Guard my body using your body.

[ Growls ]

Whoa!

Valerie: Such power.

Blake: You like that?

Valerie: Yeah.

Blake: [ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Yeah.

Glenn: If only there was a way I could make this amnesia virus forget that it was amnesia.

Wait, that's it!

Give the amnesia...amnesia!

[ Chuckles ]

It turned green.

For all intents and purposes, the color green means "antidote."

Blake: Glenn!

Glenn: Blake, you recognize me.

Great. I found a cure.

I need you to help me administer the antidote.

Blake: Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Uh, hold on one second, okay?

You're gonna love this.

Val, open your mouth.

Val just let me stick my finger in her mouth.

This is a world I want to live in forever.

Glenn: [ Gagging ]

Blake: [ Sighs ]

Glenn: [ Coughs ]

[ Groans ]

Glenn: Bodyguarder!

Get rid of this.

Glenn: W-why?

Wait, who am I?

Aaah!

Blake: You did it.

Take him away to the closet.

[ Gasps ]

Hey, who's that?

Is that your girlfriend?

Hey. That's my girlfriend.

It says so right here.

Blake: You doth speak to the king in this way?

[ Chuckles ]

Be off with you!

Valerie: How do we know you're really a king?

Hey, boyfriend whose name I don't know, k*ll him.

Blake: No, no! Aaah!

[ Feedback on TV ]

Sy: The plan wasn't to get dragged into the closet, Glenn!

Glenn: Who am I?

[ All screaming ]

Valerie: Help us!

Catch!

Blake: No!

Sy: Glenn, the plan was that I would play in my panic room while you two held down the fort, not play with test tubes!

Blake: No!

[ Air hisses ]

Owen: I'm so sorry.

I couldn't find your gallbladder.

Chief: Wait a minute.

I'm remembering.

We already took out his gallbladder.

Owen: Oh, yeah. That's right.

I suddenly remember everything!

Oh.

Chief: Oh, yeah.

That's right, baby.

You was all up in these guts.

Okay?

Valerie: Oh, you beautiful baby.

Lola: Oh, what a day, huh?

This is one of the craziest Tuesdays I have had all week.

Glenn: Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Both: Pancakes!

Glenn: Hey, Sy. We did it!

Thanks to you!

Lola: Yeah.

Glenn: [ Chuckles ]

Sy: Well, no one told me you had to call the sanitation department and pay them to come and pick up toxic waste.

I have an idea.

Hey. We're all out of ink.

I'm just gonna use some of the old needles that we threw away.

I'm gonna run out and grab some breakfast.

You want?

Yeah, yeah.

Grab me some pancakes.

Give me the name of my band -- "Blackout."[/i]