04x13 - Wisedocs

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Childrens Hospital". Aired July 11, 2010 to April 15, 2016.*
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A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.
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04x13 - Wisedocs

Post by bunniefuu »

Sy: Hey, chief. What are you up to?

Chief: Oh, man. I am getting the hell out of here just as fast as these crippled old legs can carry me.

This is my day off, b*tches!

Whoo! Yeah.

Sy: Yeah, I give her about an hour to figure out an excuse to get back in here.

She hates leaving here, you know?

Dori: Are you really asking if I know?

Or is that just rhetorical?

You don't give a rat's ass as to whether or not I know or don't know about how chief hates leaving this place!

Damn you!

Frankie: Come on.

Take it easy, you mamaluke.

[ Groans ]

I need to check in.

Dori: Ooh.

We only treat children here.

Vito: I don't see an issue here.

This person's 5 years old.

Sy: Yeah. Dori.

Um, let's check in this child... This 5-year-old child who I'm sure has I.D. proving his age.

Frankie: [ Groans ]

Dori: Oh.

I always have trouble guessing people's ages -- mostly with hilarious results.

You'll see.

Now, what seems to be the problem, young man?

Frankie: I fell on a b*llet.

Dori: [ Chuckles ] Kids.

Owen: Well, you're making real progress, Douglas.

Tell me, does it hurt when I do this?

[ Sternly ] You are worthless.

Yes. That hurts.

[ Knock on door ]

Briggs: Did someone say they needed a hero or is that just the theme music that's always playing in my head?

Owen: Detective Chance Briggs, you velvet, poker-playing bulldog --

What's my old partner doing here?

Briggs: I got put on desk duty for losing my hearing.

Owen: Since when is hearing important for a cop?

Briggs: Since a juvie perp yelled "don't sh**t" and I sh*t him.

Owen: I can't believe they would strip Lt. Chance Briggs of his badge because he can't hear a little.

Briggs: And can you believe they would strip Lt. Chance Briggs -- you just said that, didn't you?

Owen: I did.

Briggs: I thought you did but my hearing is completely sh*t, just like that juvie perp.

Owen: So you're taking the next logical step -- coming here to become a doctor so you can cure yourself.

Briggs: If I heard you correctly, yes, I am.

Owen: Well, allow me to show you around.

I'm going to teach you everything you need to know about doctoring.

Briggs: It's a date!

Owen: [ Chuckles ]

But not a date date.

Briggs: I know.

Frankie: Pssst! Pssst!

Sy! Sy!

Eh, eh. Eeeeeh!

On behalf of the family, here's a little something for the hospitality, eh?

Dookie: It's money!

Frankie: Hey, Dookie!

You ruined the surprise!

Sy: Listen. Could we not make food in here?

Vito: Sy, relax.

It's nothing!

We just got a little Italian sausage, some peppers, some ground beef, some tomatoes, some onions, some gabagool, some basil, some oregano, sautéed chicken livers.

I got some beautiful wasabi, olive oil, sliced, thin garlic and a pinch of salt to taste -- it's nothin'!

Frankie: Yeah, Sy.

You worry too much.

It's bad for your pores.

Hey, do me a favor.

Take this and go build a new wing.

Vito: Or a leg!

Frankie: Or a thigh!

Dookie: Or an addition!

Or an annex!

[ Laughs ]

Vito: Dummy.

We're making a joke here.

Dookie: No, you -- you said...

Frankie: You broke the joke, you stunad!

Dookie: [ Laughs ]

Frankie: My own kid.

Sy: I'm way over my head.

Chief: I hate days off.

I'm addicted to doctoring.

When I was young, I ran a shoe-shine stand at a local hospital just so I could be around it.

Now I spend my days off watching kids, hoping they hurt themselves.

[ Choking ]

Chief: Yes!!

Don't worry, little girl!

I'm a doctor!

I can save you!

You're choking!

I will give you the gift of life!

Blake: Dueling days off, I guess, huh, chief?

Tough luck.

Now, why don't you go get your shine box?

Chief: [ Sighs deeply ]

[ Rock music plays ]

Blake: Huh? Ugh!

Chief: [ Screams ]

Blake: Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

[ Music continues ]

Chief: Aah!

Oh!

Aah!

[ Music ends ]

Owen: We got a 10-year-old girl with abdominal pains.

What's the call?

Briggs: Well, I guess I would...

Owen: No, Briggs. Come on.

What's the call?

Think!

Briggs: Okay...I do something like... I'd put her on a monoclonal antibody full-service platform and an h7n7-ha Elisa kit.

Owen: Not bad at all.

You were hesitant at first, but once you got going, you showed a surprising knowledge of medicine.

Now you're giving a look like, "hey, I think I know that guy."

Man, I am really nailing what's happening from moment to moment.

Sal: Attention, staff.

I'm going to go get the papers.

That is all.

That is all.

Beth: You guys are all so big for five.

What are your mommies feeding you?

Gabagool.

Beth: You guys are like Popeye and these gabagools are spinach.

What is gabagool?

I don't know.

It could be spinach.

Sy: Cat, I am in way over my head.

Every time I go into that room, they pull me in deeper.

It's like I want to get out of that room, but they keep pulling me back in...to the room.

Cat: Now, Sy, you just need to know how to speak to them.

Let me show you. Watch.

Cat: Hi.

I'm Dr. Cat Black and --

Dookie: Shhh!

My dad's napping.

He naps for five minutes every hour.

He says it's good for the skin.

Cat: Really? Does he have any advice for split ends?

Ooh.

Dookie: Yeah, actually, he says you should only brush your hair once a day, and only in the middle of the night when your hair is asleep so you could sneak up on it.

Cat: Yeah, but, see, that wouldn't work for me because my hair has insomnia and always has.

Dookie: You're really fun to talk to.

Cat: Yeah.

It's funny -- I came in here to broker peace for Sy, but...

God, you're not like these other guys.

You've got kind eyes and no sense of humor.

What's your name?

Dookie: Dookie.

Cat: Okay.

Dookie.

Dookie: Dookie.

Cat: Wow.

Dookie: What's your name?

Cat: Cat.

Dookie: Cat -- like the animal, the cat?

Cat: Yeah. God, you're cute.

The only thing I don't like about you is that wife-beater.

Dookie: You mean my dad?

No, I know.

Frankie: Okay! I'm up!

Let's go! Back to business!

Cat: I'll see you around, Dookie.

Dookie: Hey, not -- not if I see you around first, before you see me
around.
Sy: Hi. Some of the parents are getting a little suspicious.

Frankie: You need more money, Sy?

Give him some money.

Sy: No. No. No.

Don't -- don't do that. No.

I-I feel like I've made a mistake, and I mean this is the nicest way -- I need you to leave.

Frankie: Sylvester Hiram Mittleman.

That's Italian, ain't it?

Sy: It's Sicilian.

Frankie: Well, okay.

I am now officially gonna open up the books.

You -- you are now... a made man.

Sy: No.

Frankie: Look. What's yours...is mine.

Sy: Never go against the family, Sy.

Capiche?

Dookie: Oh. Papa Senori.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Briggs: This guy looks just like crime boss Frankie Ciavaterri, but this guy is 5 and Frankie has got to be at least 65.

It doesn't add up.

I'm gonna question him.

Owen: Ah, Briggs, it's not your job anymore.

Briggs, did you hear me?

Briggs: Yeah, I did.

I was just pretending not to.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

[ g*nsh*t ]

[ Indistinct screaming ]

Owen: Holster that w*apon, doctor.

In this hospital, we don't fight with b*ll*ts.

We fight with these.

Whoops. Wrong hand.

We fight with these.

Briggs: Ah, pills.

That hits home.

Owen: Now, let's go save some ass.

[ Rock music plays ]

Chief: I had to get the kid to the hospital, punch in, treat her, locate her family, get back to the park, get Blake's body, and dissolve it in a drum of acid.

Owen: b*llet's lodged in his shoulder.

He lost a lot of blood.

I'm gonna need more gauze.

Briggs -- more gauze!

Briggs: Get your own gauze!

I'm a cop, Owen -- not a doctor.

And if that means I have to lie to my bosses that I have the ability to perceive sound, so be it!

[ Inhales deeply ]

Briggs: Officer Chance Briggs requesting backup.

We got a 10-87 over at Childrens!

Dookie: Hey!

Cat: Oh.

Dookie: Human cat.

Cat: Hey, dookie.

Dookie: My dad says that I should ask you out.

Cat: Really?

Are you sure your family won't care if we dated?

Because, keep in my mind, I'm Jewish and I'm terrible at keeping secrets.

Dookie: Why would they care about that?

Cat: Oh, dookie.

Dookie: Eeeh-o.

Oh. Mmm.

W-wow! [ Chuckles ]

I can't wait to tell my dad I'm in love with some blabbermouth Jew broad who kisses like a black chick!

Cat: [ Giggles ]

I know she's in there!

Everyone, there is a whore in recovery room 2!

Frankie: How you doin'?

Briggs: You're under arrest.

Cat: No. No.

He's not like them.

He's different.

Dookie: No. I'm not, Cat.

Cat: But you have such a kind heart.

Dookie: I have a learning disability.

Cat: Tomato, tomahto.

Dookie: Who says "tomahto"?

Cat: Wealthy people, British waiters, Frasier's brother --

Dookie: I have been making my gravy since I'm little -- I never heard no one say "tomahto."

Goodbye, human cat -- or in your people's language, "meow."

Cat: Meow.

[ Sobs ]

Chief: Ah-ha. Finally.

[ Laughs ]

[ Gasps ] Uh-oh -- the pigs.

[ Laughs ]

Owen: Briggs, I took you under my wing...

Briggs: Owen, I'm a partially deaf cop.

Cut me open with a scalpel or sh**t me with a .38, but root around inside that bloody hole that you just made and you'll find that I'm police officer through and through.

Blake: Officer!

[ Gasps ] Oh, thank God!

Chief tried to k*ll me!

Luckily, she missed every major organ by millimeters!

But I could easily have been thought of by most as dead!

Briggs: What did you say?

You're dead?!

Blake: No.

Briggs: Officers, he's dead, and he's still walking!

He must be a zombie!

sh**t to k*ll!

Blake: No!

Owen: Briggs! Briggs! Briggs!

Briggs, you got it all wrong!

Briggs: You're right.

We have to destroy the zombie's brain!

Go for the head!

Owen: [ Sighs ]

Briggs: You are under arrest for turning Dr. Blake Downs into a zombie.

Chief: What?!

What are you talking about?

He's not a zombie!

Briggs: Not anymore, he's not.

Chief: What are you, deaf?

Briggs: No.

No, I'm not.

[ Gavel pounding ]

This meeting has come to order.

We have come to a decision.

Chief, the board finds you innocent of turning Dr. Blake Downs into a zombie.

But we find you guilty of attempting to practice medicine on your day off.

Your medical license is hereby revoked for the period of one month.

[ Gavel bangs ]

Chief: The hardest thing for me was to leave the life.

I loved being a doctor.

We did what we wanted.

When I was out of patients to treat, I'd just go out and hurt some kids and treat them.

It was all ours for the taking.

Now it's all over.

And I have to live the rest of this month like a shnook.

[ "I want it all" plays ]

♪ I want it all ♪
♪ from the bright lights of Vegas ♪
♪ to the steps of the great China wall ♪
♪ I want it all ♪
♪ from champagne in Paris ♪
♪ to the best show that you ever saw at Carnegie Hall ♪
♪ yeah, you know me ♪
♪ and I want it all ♪

Sal: Attention, staff.

The members of the board may unfreeze now.

That is all.
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