04x14 - Eulogy

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, one of the featured players of the beloved series "Childrens Hospital" has d*ed tragically.

We'll tell you which one.

The answer might surprise you.

And we revisit the age-old question -- which came first, the chicken or the egg?

It's the chicken.

All that and more tonight on "Newsreaders."

For six decades, actor Cutter Spindell trod the well-worn path of the television character actor.

Cutter: [Imitating german]

Dog bartender.

[ Laughter ]

Louis: But it wasn't until "Childrens Hospital" that he became a household "where do I know that guy from?"

Even appearing on an earlier version of this news program.

So tell me, man, would you dig it if you were on this show for a long time?

Cutter: Yeah.

Are you kidding?

Oh, man.

I want to be on "Childrens Hospital" long after I have traveled the earth and have a family and become a millionaire, you know.

I want to die on this show.

Louis: Well, he achieved one of his goals, when, a month ago the cast and crew of "Childrens Hospital" prepared for a day they assumed would be like any other work day -- like Monday or Tuesday, Wednesday, for instance.

Friday.

And, yes, even Thursday.

I want to show you the Kn*fe you're gonna be stabbing Blake with in the next scene, okay?

It's completely rubber, so here you go.

Lady Jane: [ English accent ]

Yes, thank you.

I'll just leave it right here with these real knives where I'll grab it right before we sh**t.

Louis: Then, this happened.

David: And action!

Blake: Now, why don't you go get your shine box?

Chief: [ Sighs ]

[ Rock music plays ]

Blake: [ Grunting ]

David: And cut!

Something's wrong.

Is he okay?

Lady Jane: David, come here quick.

David: You're okay, right?

Blake: No, of course. Yeah.

Louis: That's right.

Everything went exactly as scripted.

Then this happened.

[ Electricity crackling ]

David: No, no, no.

Nobody touch him -- you'll get electrocuted, too.

Just...

What are you doing?

Okay, yeah. That's -- I see.

Rob: Stand back, I got one of these jobbies!

Louis: Rob Huebel plays Dr. Owen Maestro.

Rob: And so I sprung into action, you know.

My television-doctor instincts just kicked in.

Clear!

Aah! Clear!

Lynn: Come on, that's a prop, a-hole!

Move it.

When I saw Huebel fail, then my natural instincts as an actor who wants to one-up her peers kicked in.

Unfortunately, the last thing you want to do when someone's dying from electric shock is to give them more electric shocks.

You know?

Louis: Moments after the character Dr. Blake Downs was k*lled on screen, the actor who played him, Cutter Spindell, was also dead.

The cast was thunderstruck, but their thunder was not half as struck as the writers' thunder... was struck.

We have to write him out.

Let's get some pizza, y'all.

Plan to be here all weekend.

Mm, looks like I miss shabbat again.

David: You realize, the character of Blake Downs was never supposed to die.

We had written this surprising plot twist where he was only stunned by the stabbing and he was gonna come back the next day severely injured, but still alive.

I mean, we looked away and life happened.

Louis: So, would it be accurate to say...they needed a solution and they needed it fast.

This unexpected outcome called for some pretty creative thinking.

David: I'm unclear if you're talking to me or if --

Louis: To the audience now.

First to you, now to the audience.

David: Okay.

Louis: Actor Cutter Spindell was dead, but they still needed to k*ll his character on the show, Dr. Blake Downs.

David: So we hired a look-alike to double for Cutter so we could sh**t a whole new scene where the Blake character is k*lled, but this time permanently.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, let's k*ll Blake.

Here we go.

And action!

[ Female voice ] Officers, oh, thank God.

Chief tried to m*rder me.

Luckily, she missed every major organ by millimeters, but I could easily have been thought of by most as dead.

David: Okay, pause there.

Now, can you make him a little thinner?

That's good.

Perfect, right there.

How cool is that?

Louis: It's interesting, but why not just hire an extra as thin as Cutter was?

David: Maybe you should lose 25 pounds, huh?

Why don't you take your own advice?

[ Telephone rings ]

Yes.

I don't use landlines anymore.

Thank you.

Bang. Bang, bang.

David: Cut!

Louis: Unfortunately, the body double was also k*lled while filming.

The final step was to record Blake's new lines.

Impressionist Kevin Pollak was brought in to mimic Cutter Spindell's voice.

[ Beeping ]

Kevin: [ As Cutter ] Chief tried to k*ll me.

Luckily, she missed every major organ by millimeters, but I could have easily been thought of by most as dead.

David: Good. Yeah.

Kevin: Yeah.

Can I try one as Christopher Walken?

[ As Christopher Walken ] Chief tried to k*ll me.

Wow.

Luckily, she missed every major organ by millimeters.

David: Sure, great.

Kevin: How about one as Albert Brooks?

[ As Albert Brooks ] Chief tried to k*ll me.

Is it me?

I'm gonna go lie down.

I feel nauseous.

[ As Al Pacino ] Hoo-ah!

Chief tried to k*ll me.

Luckily...

Louis: When all the pieces came together, Dr. Blake Downs was very much dead.

[ Female voice ] Officers, oh, thank God.

Chief tried to m*rder me.

Kevin: [ As Blake ] Luckily, she missed every major organ by millimeters.

Blake: But I could easily have been thought of by most as dead.

Briggs: What did you say? You're dead?!

Blake: No.

Briggs: Officers, he's dead, and he's still walking.

He must be a zombie. sh**t to k*ll.

Blake: No!

Owen: Briggs, you got it all wrong!

Louis: With the episode in the can, the cast now had to come to terms with the passing of their co-star.

Dixie: Why did Cutter have to die?

You know, it's like, I want answers, you know?

I want them now.

Louis: Well, his heart stopped.

He touched an exposed junction box, and he was electrocuted.

Dixie: Oh, I guess that makes sense, yeah.

Louis: Cast member Just Falcon.

Do you miss him?

Falcon: I don't know.

Louis: Did you love him?

Falcon: Yeah.

Louis: Did you respect him?

Falcon: Pass.

Louis: Do you miss him?

Falcon: Do you love him?

Do you love him?

Louis: Yeah.

[ Sighs ] Yeah.

Falcon: Tell me about it.

Louis: He brought a lot of joy to my life.

Falcon: [ Muttering ]

Louis: I asked the show's director what's next for "Childrens Hospital."

David: Our job as television producers, as cultural ambassadors in the mass media, is to teach the American people about grief and loss and death, and you're welcome.

We --

Louis: And now an exclusive look at scenes from next week's episode.

How will they tell the story of this death?

The answer is, yes, they will, and how.

Dr. Maestro, could you give this to Dr. Downs?

I made it for him special.

Owen: Well, I'm afraid that Dr. Downs isn't coming back, son.

Oh.

Well, can you give it to him tomorrow, then?

Owen: I'm afraid he's not gonna be coming back tomorrow either.

You could drop it off at his house.

Owen: Well, he's never coming home.

He's dead.

For how long?

Owen: Forever.

How could he be gone forever unless he was dead?

Owen: Well, that's the part I'm trying to make clear to you -- he is dead.

So when's he coming back?

Monday?

Owen: No, not on Monday.

He's -- Tuesday?

Owen: No, not on Tuesday.

Wednesday?

Owen: No.

Friday?

Owen: We could sit here all day, bro.

Saturday?

Owen: Keep going. Nope.

He's not coming ba-- Sunday?

Owen: No, he's dead as a doornail.

Can I call him?

Owen: No.

Can I text?

Owen: You are being very disrespectful to dead people.

January?

Owen: I told you.

Are you from hell?

I'm trying to tell you, he's not coming back.

He's not coming back ever.

You got that?!

Thursday?

Dori: Hurry!

He's flatlining.

Cat: Clear!

Glenn: No, don't touch him.

This was Blake's patient.

[ Monitor flatlines ]

Oh, my God. Turn that off.

That's annoying.

Lola: Blake Downs never lost faith in the one thing that mattered most -- the healing power of laughter.

Because whenever medicine let him down, laughter lifted him up, soaring as if he were some kind of animal that could fly.

Crazy, right -- an airborne animal?

Glenn: An airbornimal.

Lola: Let's call it an airbornimal.

And if you can believe in an animal that could fly, then also imagine that it laughs.

So until the day comes that a new doctor made up like a clown appears in our lives... Blake, you will be missed.

David: And cut.

Lynn: Euehhhhh.

Oh, it was a mouthful.

What about birds, right?

Birds are animals that can fly, right?

Lady Jane: Oh, God.

Are you serious?

Oh, my God. That was endless.

Louis: Cutter Spindell's family generously donated his real corpse to be used in his character's funeral scene.

But the question remains, can "Childrens Hospital" go on without one of its stars?

Short answer -- yes.

Long answer -- yes, it can.

Next week, the goliath grouper, or jewfish-- do they control the riverbanks?

And more of my conversation with Kate Walsh.

Kate: [ Laughs ] Ohhhh!

Louis: Next week on "Newsreaders."

[ Theme music plays ]

So, you're thinking of having children?

Cutter: Well, you know, when I meet the right girl.

Louis: Well, could you pick a better girl?

Cutter: No, I think -- I think this is a guest, your next guest.

Louis: Oh, you're my -- oh, yes, the artist, of course.

Well, let's get drunk.

Cutter: All right.

This will be my first drink in 25 years.

Ohh!

Oh! Daddy's back!

Daddy's back!

[ Laughs ]

Oh, let's get another one, huh?

Don't touch me, man.