05x02 - Triangles

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Previously, on "Childrens Hospital"...

Blake: Dori, that was a little intimate.

Dori: Oh, I don't think I'll get pregnant from that.

Blake: Let me guess. You're pregnant.

Dori: Yeah. I'm sorry.

Sy: We are going to oversee the opening of a clinic on a U.S. army base in Japan.

Owen: No!

Dori: What?

That is so complicated.

Glenn: Do you remember Detective Chance Briggs, Owen's former partner on the police force?

Cat: Uh, I think so.

What, he has brown hair and a mustache?

Briggs: Anybody up for a mustache contest?

I win.

Cat: What about him?

Glenn: I don't know.

Just something to keep in mind, I guess.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

5.02 - Triangles

Sal: Attention!

Staff, that is all.

Owen: Hey, Dori.

Where you headed?

Dori: Oh, I'm taking Willy into the city.

He's never had soup noodles.

Owen: Oh. Well, Osaka is a very dangerous town.

I could be your escort.

Who knows? We might even enjoy each other's company.

I've been told I make a pretty great escort, like the Ford Motor Corporation.

Dori: The Escort was discontinued in 2003.

Owen: Right. Got me good. [ Chuckles ]

You are so smart.

Dori: Blake!

Um, I'm taking our son into the city.

Did you get my e-mail?

Blake: Uh, I don't know.

I don't really open e-mails from people like you.

I mean, I'm a doctor.

You get it.

Dori: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Owen: Love those bangs.

Dori: Oh.

Blake: Hey, listen.

Um, here's 30,000 yen.

I mean, buy him a taco or something, okay.

Willy: Want to come into the city with us, Mr. Dad?

Blake: Well, I would, because we're technically family, but, I mean, you get it.

Dori: Come on, honey.

Blake: Hmm.

Na.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Willy: I have to pee.

Dori: Sounds like someone has to go pee.

Let's go.

Willy: I can go by myself.

Dori: Okay, honey.

Just be careful.

And remember to tap your pee-pee!

Willy: I pre-tapped it!

Dori: Okay.

Willy: [ Whistling ]

[ Door opens ]

[ Men arguing in Japanese ]

[ Gasps ]

Dori: But, officer...

Dori: I'm sorry. I don't understand what you're saying.

Engel: Maybe I can be of some assistance here.

My name is Detective Chuck Engel.

My partner and I are here as part of an international cop exchange program.

Dori: Partner? I don't see any partner.

Briggs: That's because you weren't looking in this direction.

If we're gonna catch those mean man, we need to know exactly what you saw.

Willy: [ Gulps ]

Briggs: My word. That's urine. Pure.

Son, those men... are they the murderers or are you just peeing in your pants because you pee in your pants?

Willy: I've had a lot of sports drinks today, but in this case, murderers.

[ Beep ]

[ Telephone rings ]

Kaiju: Police Chief Kaiju.

Briggs: Chief Kaiju. It's Briggs.

I know who did it.

It's Gojira and Mosura.

The kid took one look at 'em and peed in his pants.

Kaiju: Uh, did my name come up?

Briggs: No. Why?

Kaiju: I just want to make sure I wasn't under suspicion in any way.

Briggs: No. Like, why would you even ask that?

Kaiju: Forget I mentioned it.

Hey, Briggs someone's at the door. Will you hold on a sec?

[ Dialing ]

[ Ringing ]

[ Cellphone rings ]

[ Speaking Japanese ]

Kaiju: Briggs, I'm back. Wrong number.

Briggs: Chief, while I was on hold with you, Gojira and Mosura got a phone call and then ran off.

Briggs: Kinda weird, huh?

Kaiju: Yes and no.

What about you, Briggs?

Where do you live?

What's your exact address?

Briggs: I live at 465 Lick My Butthole Lane.

Get your stuff! We're getting out of here now!

Engel: Wait! Damn it, Briggs! What the hell is going on?

Briggs: I need to disappear.

Watch your back, partner.

Engel: Wait, did you say, "Watch your black partner?"

How am I suppose to respond to that?

Briggs: No, I said, "Watch your back, partner," although I can definitely see how it sounded like "black" to you.

Engel: No, that's a funny misunderstanding.

Especially considering you do have a black partner.

Briggs: Right. Absolutely. [ Chuckles ]

Engel: I don't think I can operate without you, Briggs.

Briggs: Try, Engel.

Engel: No, I'm serious...

Briggs: I said try, Engel.

Come on.

Owen: Dori! You're back!

I was worried sick about you!

Briggs: Don't worry.

She's safe in my capable yet calloused hands.

Owen: Detective Chance Briggs.

You plus-sized woman's panty set!

What's my old partner doing here?

[ Both chuckle ]

Briggs: Put 'er there.

Dori: You guys were cops together?

Owen: Yeah, and we went to the same college.

Who would have thought a couple of Oberlin grads would end up carrying badges?

So what are you doing here, old boy?

Briggs: Well, let's just say that I need a place to hide.

Both: "That I need a place to hide."

Owen: But surely you can't be serious.

Briggs: I am serious...

And don't ever question my seriousness.

Dori: Please, Dr. Maestro.

If they find Willy, they'll k*ll him, too.

Briggs: What do you say, old friend?

Help us out?

Owen: Well, you're gonna need a disguise.

Come with me.

Congratulations, Private Briggs!

You're in the United States army now.

Briggs: All right.

Kaiju: Where's Briggs?

'Cause there's no such place as 465 Lick My Butthole Lane.

Lick My Butthole Lane ends at 426 then skips right to the 700s after Central Boulevard.

It's a sham address.

Engel: Look, I told you. He didn't tell me anything.

Kaiju: Watch your back.

Engel: Did you say, "Watch your black"?

What's that supposed to mean?

Kaiju: I said, "back."

I've just got kind of a wonky accent, so it sounded like I said "black", but I said "back."

Engel: I gotcha. I gotcha.

[ Radio tuning ]

[ Slow music plays ]

[ Door opens ]

Dori: Hi.

Briggs: Hi.

Dori: I brought you a piece of pie and some Doritos and two slices of watermelon.

Briggs: Triangle-shaped foods. My favorite.

Dori: Thank you, Detective Briggs, for all that you've done for us.

Folks usually aren't so nice to me and Willy.

Broadcaster: Here's an oldie for all you lovers out there.

Dori: Oh, I love this song!

I watched Owen lose his virginity to this song at Oberlin.

Dori: Cool.

Briggs: Can you just keep it down for a second?

Dori: Yeah. Sorry. Sorry.

Briggs: Would you to care to dance, my lady?

Dori: I would love to.

Briggs: Can you feel it?

My erection?

Dori: I haven't had a man in so long.

Take me! Take all of me!

Briggs: Chance Briggs!

Dori: Yeah! Chance!

Briggs: Shh!

Dori: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Briggs: Chance Briggs!

Sal: Attention staff, Chance Briggs.

That is all.

[ Ringing ]

Kaiju: Moshi moshi.

Owen: Yes, I have some information on the whereabouts of Detective Chance Briggs that you may be very interested in.

Willy: Mommy, I heard weird noises last night.

Is everything okay?

Briggs: Your mom and I were making love, son.

Willy: What does "making love" mean?

Dori: Umm, it's... it's kind of hard to explain, honey.

Briggs: Our bodies fit together like puzzle pieces.

Dori: You know when mommy tries to put a Pringles can down the disposal?

Willy: I don't understand.

Briggs: It's like when a man puts his penis inside a woman's vag*na a bunch of times in a row.

Willy: You did that to my mommy?

Briggs: Damn right I did.

Willy: Wow. I regret asking.

[ Grunts ]

Dori: [ Screams ]

Briggs: Owen!

Dori: No, no, no!

Owen: What the heck was that all about?

Dori: The K*llers found Briggs! You have to help him, please!

Owen: Oh, you're trembling. You look so cold.

Dori: I'm so scared!

Oh, thank you so much.

Okay.

Owen: This feels so right, doesn't it?

Dori: What?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Owen: Hey, guys.

Guys, wait up!

Look, Mosura, I just talked to Chief Kaiju, and he needs to talk to you right away.

So I'll watch the prisoner.

Owen: He's at 465 Lick My Butthole Lane.

Hai!

Briggs: Whew.

Got ourselves out of another jam, huh, partner?

Owen: Yeah.

Dori: [ Screaming ]

Briggs: Oh, wait. No, this is still going.

Engel: No, you're not!

Briggs: Don't worry.

You did really great, for a black guy.

Engel: What'd you say?

Forget about it. I just heard you wrong.

Dori: [ Chuckles ]

Willy: Mommy! Help me!

Dori: Oh, right.

My son, this whole thing.

Kaiju: I'm gonna k*ll him!

Blake: No, you're not!

Let him go.

Kaiju: Why should I?

Blake: Because he's the only family I've got.

[ g*nsh*t ]

Briggs: Well, I guess I should be going now.

You're not going anywhere, Briggs.

You're in the army now.

We're shipping out to Kandahar.

Briggs: But I was just hiding!

We're all hiding from something, private.

♪ Get me out of this place ♪
♪ I am a man ♪
♪ get this blood off my face ♪
♪ let me live again ♪
♪ na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na-na na na na ♪
♪ na na-na na ♪
♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na naaaaaaa ♪
♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na na ♪
♪ na na-na na ♪
♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na naaaaaa ♪
♪ na na-na na ♪
♪ na-na na na-na na na na ♪

Sal: Attention, staff.

If you are under 30, "witness" came out before you were born.

That is all.