05x04 - Country Weekend

[bunniefuu]

Cat: Michael asked me to marry him.

[ Both gasp ]

Cat: I'm engaged!

[ All scream ]

Owen: Can I be your best man?

Cat: You know I love you, but... the best man is going to be...

5.04 - Country Weekend Non-existent. [ Sighs ]

Yeah.

We're just doing, like, a casual thing with friends.

Glenn: That way, everybody has a nice time.

Betty: Just doing a last-minute spruce up before the guests arrive for the weekend.

Cat: Oh, Betty.

You've always cared for my family's country home as if it's your job.

Betty: It is my job.

[ Horn honks ]

Cat: Oh, hi!

You guys drove!

Glenn: We made it here, okay?

All right?

Yeah, I took one wrong turn out of 100 turns.

Hey, Cat.

Cat: Tough drive?

Marvin: No!

I'm not in the charity business. Look...

We either like the number or not, or I shove it up your ass.

Lola: Sorry.

Things are really crazy at Marvin's work.

Marvin: It was just made-up.

Glenn: He's been yapping on the phone the whole time.

Lola: I know, I know.

Glenn: I'm not talking about him behind his back.

He's standing right there. He can hear me.

Not everybody's deaf, you know.

Owen: Hey!

Lola: Hi.

Oh, Owen and Denise.

Owen: How great that your parents' country home is in the same part of Japan as the army base that we're living on?

Lola: It's practically unbelievable.

Cat: Oh, I'm just so glad you could make it.

Denise: Any chance to spend some quality time with my hubby.

Cat: Aww, you two.

Owen: Oh, man.

I am crazy about my wife.

Glenn: You are so lucky.

Sherry and I haven't gotten along since that time before we met.

[ Horn honks ]

Cat: Oh, guys, hey!

Val and Al are here!

Hey!

Lola: I forgot.

Val is dating comedy-music legend Weird Al Yankovic.

Valerie: Hi, guys.

This is my boyfriend, Weird Al Yankovic.

Weird Al: Please, call me Weird Al...

Yankovic.

Or just Weird Al Yankovic. Whatever you're more comfortable with.

Val's told me so many funny stories about one of you.

[ All laugh ]

Glenn: I heard you the first time, Sherry.

I'm not blind.

Okay, well, you keep yelling like that, you're gonna break something.

Oh, my God.

Hmm.

Owen: Everyone, I'd like to propose a toast.

Cat: Aww.

Marvin: What part of "final offer" don't you understand?

Lola: Honey, honey.

Marvin: I talked to you a few days ago about this.

Owen: To Cat.

Denise: Aww.

Weird Al: Powerful.

Cat: You're gonna make me cry.

Denise: Boo-boo...

Lola: Wait, you guys.

We're toasting the bride, but we haven't even met the groom.

[ All laugh ]

Cat: [ Sighing ] Oh, gosh.

No, Michael's on his way home from work, and if he is running on time, he'll be here in 60 seconds.

Michael: Actually, I was gonna take the 9:15 train out of the city, but I finished up early and jumped on the 9:14.

Cat: Michael...

Michael: Hi, baby.

Cat: Hey. [ Smooches ]

I wasn't expecting you for another minute.

Michael: Nice to meet you all.

Cat's told me so many funny stories about all but one of you.

Cat: Michael's in the music business.

Michael: Yeah, I'm a cashier at Guitar Center.

Denise: Ooh.

Cat: He's met Alex Van Halen twice.

Valerie: Second to Eddie, that is the Van Halen you want to meet.

Cat: So, this is Owen and his wife, Denise.

And Valerie and her boyfriend, Weird Al Yankovic.

Michael: Oh, hey.

Cat: And that's Marvin over there.

And my white housekeeper, Betty.

And, finally, my very best friend in the world...

Together: Lola Spratt.

Lola: Hi, Michael.

Cat: How do you two know each other?

Lola: From Columbia.

I was pre-med.

Michael: And I was pre... What was it again?

Lola: [ Laughs ]

Cat: [ Laughing ] Pre-what?

What was it again?

Valerie: Cat, are you all right?

Glenn: Ladies and gentlemen, I have some very disturbing news.

My wife, Sherry's, been stabbed. She's dead.

Owen: Somebody call 911.

Cat: My folks don't believe in landlines, so we have to use someone's cell.

Lola: We could ask Marvin to use his.

Owen: We'll just have to wait till he gets off.

Denise: Sweetie, you used to be a police officer.

You can conduct the investigation for the time being.

Glenn: Great idea.

Owen: Okay.

Cat: She's right.

Owen: Meanwhile, no one here should worry about this.

A woman has been stabbed, probably by someone who's walking among us, but the important thing is to focus on the beautiful wedding of Cat and Michael taking place tomorrow.

Denise: Aww...

Lola: Aww...

Weird Al: Powerful.

Cat: Not that I care at all, but how come you never mentioned anything about you and Lola?

[ Slams ]

[ Thud ]

Michael: What do you want me to say?

Am I supposed to report to you every single detail of my entire life?!

Cat: Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

[ Chuckling ] I'm sorry.

Michael: I'm gonna get a snack. You want anything?

Cat: Um...I'll take whatever's just lying around.

I mean, if there's a couscous medley, I'll take it in a tagine.

Michael: [ Humming ]

Lola: Let me guess.

Peanut butter on bread.

Michael: [ Chuckles ]

You remembered.

Lola: It feels like just yesterday... the day I met you at that party in the 1990's.

Lola: [ Chuckles ]

What is that awesome smell?

Is that peanut butter and bread?

Michael: Not quite.

Peanut butter on bread.

Lola: [ Chuckles ]

Michael: It's kind of my specialty.

Here. Try it.

Lola: Okay.

Mmm.

It's peanut buttery, but I can definitely taste the bread in there, too.

Michael: That's exactly... what I was going for.

Lola: I'm Lola. Pre-med.

Michael: Michael.

Pre-ej*cul*te making its way up my vas deferens.

Lola: [ Sighs ]

Michael: I figure since you're pre-med, you understand what I'm saying.

Lola: You know, I still think of you fondly every time I see or taste bread.

Michael: Yeah?

Lola: Yeah.

Michael: Well, we should get some sleep, huh?

Lola: Yeah.

Good night.

Michael: Good night.

[ Classical music plays ]

Marvin: Dude, you're k*lling me here.

No, I'll call it off. I don't care.

No. You tell...

Michael: [ Sighs ]

Together: Oh, I didn't see you come in.

[ Both laugh ]

Lola: [ Sighs ]

Are you in the middle of a number two right now?

Michael: No.

Too nervous.

Lola: Good.

[ Moans ]

Who are we kidding?

Oh, this was bound to happen.

Oh, Michael.

Oh, I haven't had sex on a toilet in months.

Glenn: Oh, here comes Cat.

Valerie: She looks so beautiful.

Glenn: Oh, she looks great.

Owen: Oh, she went with the white dress.

Michael: I can't do this.

Cat: Michael.

Michael: I'm so sorry, everybody.

I'm sorry, Cat. The wedding's off.

Cat: Why?

Owen: I can tell you why.

Because his fiancée... is a m*rder*r!

[ All gasp ]

Glenn: What?

Owen: It look a while to put it all together, but now it makes perfect sense.

Cat hated Glenn's wife, Sherry, from moment one.

Sherry is a woman that can't hear anything at all!

Then there's the matter of the w*apon.

The w*apon was a stainless steel Kn*fe purchased from where?

A department store.

Now, then.

It gives me pause as far as this being as...

[ sighs ] strong a case as I'd hoped when I... heard it in my head before I started speaking.

And it is actually unlikely that Cat did this m*rder at all.

And now it's just anxiety that I have as I... look around and see everybody looking.

[ Thunder crashes ]

Denise!

Lola: Marvin?!

Marvin: What? What can I say?

You caught us.

I'm having sex with Denise right now. There's no denying it.

Lola: So, Marvin, were you on the phone with Denise the whole time negotiating the terms of your impending affair?

Marvin: In a nutshell, yes. That's right.

Owen: Denise, how could you?

Denise: Let's face it, Owen.

I want to have fun, and you always want to investigate Sherry's m*rder.

Of course I had sex with Marvin.

How could I not?

Owen: Wait, what?

Lola: Well, then I have an announcement to make, too.

Michael and I are in love.

And we've decided to be together.

Michael: It's too late, Lola.

I'm in love with someone else.

Lola: What?

Michael: It happened when we were in the bathroom.

Lola: But...

Michael: I love you.

Michael: I've been wanting to quit my job, but you needed me to be the big, fancy cashier at Guitar Center, and, you know what?

I never met Alex Van Halen.

Lola: [ Gasps ]

Michael: I only told you that I met A.V.H., 'cause that's the kind of cashier that you needed me to be.

Cat: No. I...

Michael: Betty's the first woman to give me the courage to pursue my dreams.

So she and I are gonna live together.

And we're both gonna work for Weird Al Yankovic.

Weird Al: That's right.

Betty's gonna manage my Twitter account, and Michael is gonna be my personal cashier.

Valerie: Were you gonna mention this to me?

Weird Al: No, I wasn't. Why?

Michael: Well, there's nothing left to say.

I, uh, got a taxi waiting outside if you want a ride.

Betty, Marvin, Weird Al, Denise.

[ Zipper zips ]

[ Door opens ]

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Door closes ]

Glenn: Oh, Mondays, right?

The weekends are never quite long enough.

Owen: Hey, that reminds me, Glenn.

About your wife's stabbing...

You know, I'm kind of stumped on this.

Everybody seems to have an alibi but you.

Glenn: All right, listen. Listen to me.

I did it, okay?

I k*lled Sherry.

But it was only because I was angry at her.

Owen: Oh.

That's why your prints were on the Kn*fe.

You did it.

Glenn: That's exactly right.

Owen: I just figured it out.

Glenn: Should we go to the cops?

Owen: I'll tell you what.

Just this once, I'm gonna take off my investigator hat and I'm gonna put on my friend hat and let you off with a warning.

Glenn: [ Chuckles ]

Wow.

Thank you, buddy.

Owen: I owe you.

You know, you just helped me solve the big m*rder case.

Glenn: [ Chuckling ] I did.

Owen: So now we're even. [ Chuckles ]

Glenn: Okay.

Owen: I love you, buddy.

Glenn: I love you, too.

Lola: Has anyone ever told you that you look like an older Weird Al Yankovic?

Michael: Yeah.