05x05 - Imaginary Friends

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Previously on "Childrens Hospital"...

Valerie: Guys!

The power is out.

Cat: This is where the backup generator is, but that's where most of the velociraptors are.

This will teach us to play God.

[ Creature roars ]

[ All gasp ]

5.05 - Imaginary Friends So I was like, "Lady, if you think that Horse AIDS isn't contagious, you got another think coming... Horse AIDS!"

[ Both laugh ]

That's what I said to her!

All right, guys, I got to go do some computer stuff in another room, but I'll see you later, all right?

Glenn: Okay.

Owen: I love her stories about horse AIDS.

Glenn: Oh, yeah. She's gonna make a great mom someday.

Cat: Yeah.

I would make a great mom one day.

Chief: This doesn't look too serious.

I'll just need to have a talk with your parents.

They're not with us anymore.

Glenn: I wouldn't want to sit in a hospital waiting around for some kid, neither.

No, they passed away.

Glenn: Oh!

It was a long time ago.

Glenn: Well, it must be kind of cool to be alone, huh?

You get to stay up late, watch the Johnny Carson?

I'm not alone.

Jasper-Pants is here in that chair.

He's invisible.

Glenn: You have an imaginary friend, huh?

Yeah.

Chief: Okay.

Since he's here, why don't we take a look at Jasper-Pants, as well?

Glenn: Kid, we have a special ward where we bring imaginary friends to make sure they're okay.

Chief: We're taking him to the imaginary-friend ward, which is totally a real thing.

Uh...

Sal: Attention hospital staff...

Tonight is your night. Believe in yourself.

Go out there and get her back.

Chief: Thank God kids are stupid enough to have imaginary friends, huh, guys?

Valerie: Yeah.

Glenn: Yeah. And I've been jonesing all day for a Cigarillo.

Chet: Whoa! The 'Rillos are hard to find.

Where'd you get that, man?

Glenn: I know a guy.

Japanese guy.

Chet: You say Japanese?

Glenn: Yeah.

Chet: Ugh.

Hi, buddy! Look at him!

Cat: Oh, dear. Oh. Mnh-mnh. Not good.

What? What is it?

Cat: It looks like your baby is suffering from No-adoption-itis.

That's not even a real thing.

Cat: Yes, it's a very real thing.

You're gonna have to put him up for adoption.

What?

Cat: We recommend that you give him to me.

Now, before you say no, consider this...

I really want a baby.

Are you crazy?

Cat: Am I crazy? Huh?

You know what, lady? Yeah.

If wanting a baby more than anything in the world because... a co-worker offhandedly made a remark that you'd be a great mom after I told a story about Horse AIDS makes me crazy, then lock me up. I'm crazy.

Sure, I've never considered being a mom up until this morning, but now it's one of the top five things that I think about, number one being fracking.

Okay. Can you just tell me if my baby's okay so I can get out of here?

Cat: Your baby has Horse AIDS.

Glenn: I had an imaginary friend when I was young.

His name was Steve Perry, and he always said, "Don't stop believing, Glenn."

Valerie: Steve Perry was lead singer of Journey.

He said "Don't stop believing" to everybody.

Glenn: Yeah, but I imagined that he was my best friend and, with me, he always added "Glenn."

Chet: Chief was my imaginary best friend.

Chief: Yeah, that's right.

Valerie: Well, I had a bunch of imaginary friends, only they were real friends because I wasn't a loser.

Chet: Hey.

Sy: Okay, listen up, everybody.

I'm so sorry to tell you this, but we're going to shut down this kind of makeshift smoking hangout lounge.

Glenn: What?!

Chief: Fascist!

Chet: Fonzie!

Sy: Because... we're going to make it into the official very comfortable smoking lounge.

Glenn: Great!

Chief: Capitalist!

Chet: Love it.

Owen: Hey, I just read the news on the Internet.

They're shutting this place down?

Chief: Yep, Sy finally realized the importance of smoking comfortably.

Owen: Great. Well, hooray for that news.

Owen, my boy, you're back!

Did you bring the steth-poop-a-scope I asked for?

Ho ho ho!

Owen: Here you go, Dr. Santa Claus.

Look, Dr. Santa Claus, I can't help you anymore.

They're shutting this place down.

Where's everybody going to go?

They need help!

Raggedy Paggedy broke her smile!

Big-Ben-Burger's covered in ouchies!

Captain Beach-House's blood pressure is 60 over 40.

It's hard enough as it is.

I'm the only doctor in the ward.

None of "aar" kids had the "faar" sight to "staart" our names with "daarctor."

Only you did it, Owen, because you're such a smart little boy.

Owen: But I'm not a boy anymore, Dr. Santa Claus.

Don't you get it?

That's only true if you decide it is.

Owen: All right. All right.

I'll tell you what.

I'll help you cure these guys, but that's all I can do.

Oh, thank you, Owen! Okay!

Sal: Attention hospital staff... if you just be quiet for 30 seconds, I can finish up.

Then we can both go to sleep. That is all.

Is that it? Can I go now?

Cat: So impatient. Hold your Horse AIDS.

You know, your baby might be happier with a more patient mother.

Is this an adoption form?

Cat: No, it's a standard medical form.

Can't you read the removable sticker?

What?

Cat: Sign it.

I'll look into that after the holidays.

I'm not signing this.

Cat: God, you're act like I'm trying to steal your baby or something.

Owen: [ Grunting ]

Now, you have to hold still so I can get a blood sample, Drunk Daddy.

You know daddy loves mommy, right, honey?

[ Air hisses ]

Owen: [ Spits ] Damn it!

This guy doesn't even have blood.

It's all glitter and shaving cream.

Well, BeanBag Boy should be an easy one.

He's full of beans.

[ Farting ] Ohh.

Owen: BeanBag Boy has gas?

What am I doing?

You're helping!

Now there's just two left...

Jasper-Pants and Captain Beach-House.

Glenn: What's, uh... going on in here, Owen?

Owen: Oh.

I just came in here to smoke.

Owen! Captain Beach-House is flatlining!

Valerie: You don't still believe in imaginary friends, do you, Owen?

Get me 20 cc of chocolate frosting, stat!

Owen: Shut up, Dr. Santa Claus!

Glenn: Who are you talking to?

Owen: I was talking to Val.

I called her Dr. Santa Claus because she's so fat.

Glenn: Burn. [ Laughs ]

You are fat.

His blood pump stopped!

Owen: I'm just gonna sit down right over here while you guys continue to ask me questions.

Ohh! Me "haartee"!

We need to sedate him. Hand me those jelly beans.

Valerie: Owen, do you think there's someone in that bed?

Owen: Of course not!

Valerie: Well, then, if there's no one there, you wouldn't be mad if I did...

Owen: No. No, no, no.

No, please don't.

Valerie: This!

Aah! Me "haaaart"!

We're losing him, Owen!

[ Both laugh ]

Owen: Screw it!

Don't you die on me, Captain Beach-House!

Don't you die on me!

Valerie: This is awesome!

Glenn: Hey, watch this.

Owen: Glenn, no! They're real!

Glenn: I can even use a bow and arrow, right?

Owen: No! Not the arrows!

Guys, please don't do this!

You're hurting them!

Valerie: Whoo!

Glenn: How about nunchuks?!

Chk chk!

Hyah!

Aaaaah!

Glenn!

Why did you stop believing, Glenn?

I told you over and over again, personally.

I even added Glenn to it and everything.

Glenn: Oh, Steve...

Valerie: Glenn!

Glenn, who are you talking to?

You lost your innocence, Glenn.

Why must you rob Owen of his?

Glenn: I'm sorry, imaginary Steve Perry.

Valerie: I'm just gonna...

I'm getting out.

Glenn: And I'm sorry, real Owen.

Owen: Thanks, buddy!

Glenn: How can I help?

Owen: Grab a schmeg-poop-a-mometer and go to work!

Glenn: You got it!

No need!

Owen: Wait.

What happened?

It was Glenn.

That's the power of believing, Owen!

It's contagious!

It goes on and on and on and on!

Owen: Like that stupid song you sing.

Jasper-Pants!

Don't worry about me, Dylan.

I'm only dying. It's no big whoop.

What about the power of believing?

You don't believe anymore.

You've lost your innocence.

I have had to grow up pretty fast.

My parents d*ed.

Ah.

I also found this stack of Playboys in the woods last week, which made a big impression on me.

Well, goodbye, Jasper-Pants.

And thanks.

I love you.

Owen: Dr. Santa Claus, I also really enjoy Playboys.

So... maybe it's time we say goodbye.

Thanks for everything.

So, you can probably go die or whatever, too.

I understand.

But I think I still have some usefulness in me.

Dylan, I will be your new imaginary friend.

Oh. Um...

But I just went through the whole thing about growing up too fast and the Playboys...

Ho ho ho ho!

Don't worry! It'll be great.

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Oh, fine.

Glenn: [ Laughs ]

Ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Owen: You take care, Dylan.

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Look, I...

Can you stop laughing for a second so I can have a conversation?

Thank you.

Thanks.

[ Sighs ] Come on.

Cat: Hey, guys, I'm gonna head home early.

I got a case of No-adoption-itis.

Owen: You looking to adopt a child, Cat?

Cat: Yeah. Why? You know of one?

Glenn: Well, I think I know where you can find one.

Cat: Where?

Glenn: Same guy who got me the Cigarillos.

He lives about a mile and a half that way.

Cat: Okay.

Glenn: Japanese guy.

Cat: Oh! Okay, cool.

I thought you were talking about the orphan kid over there, who was talking to himself and I was like, "No way!"

Come on, Dr. Santa Claus.

So, where are we gonna live?

♪ Super ♪
♪ This is great ♪
♪ Thank you all so much for... ♪

Valerie: Oh!

Captain Beach-House, you're so strong!

[ Gasps ]

What was that?

Oh, I'm sorry for neglecting you, Olde Tyme Strongman.

Oh!

Oh, Drunk Daddy, your stubble's so rough.

Yeah, just like that. You know how I like it.

Oh, I love it when you drink.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

♪ And performers that I'm seeing ♪
♪ Cheers to you all ♪
♪ Mariay ♪
♪ You're in the b*mb's way ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪