06x02 - Codename: Jennifer

[bunniefuu]

(heels click)

(Russian accent) Comrade, you wanted to see me?

I don't know who the hell you are!

I called for Lola...

Spratt.

At your service, sir.

I heard you were a great impressionist.

Thank you, sir.

And if this is about the Bahrain-Madrid conflict, I've been working on a Drew Barrymore impression that (as Drew Barrymore) like, might be really helpful towards finding a peaceful resolution.

This mission isn't about impressions, agent.

My understanding is that in a previous life, you were a pediatrician, a damn good one, according to Dr. Brian.

Brian.

I-I haven't heard-- heard from...

Brian, I-I can't.

Goodbye.

(grunts)

Is he...

Yes.

He's still an Eagles fan.

And yes, he's very much alive, But, like the Eagles' offensive line, no one has seen him all season.

Sir, I need to see Brian.

You complete this mission, and I'll arrange for you to see him.

Deal?

What's the mission?

The President has an illegitimate daughter, Code name "Jennifer, the President's bastard kid."

This is top-secret.

Not even the First Lady knows about her.

The girl's become ill, and bringing her to an outside hospital is too risky.

I need you to assemble a team of American pediatricians who are off the grid, preferably based overseas, a team that we can trust to treat the bastard here in the White House, secretly.

Know anyone?

No.

I thought I'd ask.

Yeah.

(heels click)

Oh! Wait!

This is so cool. I'm the biggest White House fan.

No, the biggest White House fan would know that I'm the biggest White House fan.

Even I know that.

Oh! Good. You're here.

Hey!

Look at you!

Lola!

I don't have time for "Hey! Look at you! Lola!"

I need to get you cleared and up to speed yesterday.

Yesterday? Oh, my gosh. I love it when she's assertive.

Talk to me like that...

Yesterday's not good for me.

Looks like you all passed the background checks.

Yes!

Oh, God, yeah!

All right!

Except for two of you.

What?! Who?

Aah! It's me!

Ow!

Hey! Ohh!

Awwwww, man.

Oh, well.

Spratt? Spratt.

Where the hell is she?

Right here.

What?!

Wow!

Got me again.

Kidney punch!

All right! All right!

Okay!

Can't believe they're kicking us out.

I know.

I wish we could sneak around and see stuff.

Yeah, but the only way we could do that would be if we got out of these giveaway medical scrubs and got into some clothing that made us look more like foreign diplomats or something.

Good evening, ambassadors.

You can just leave your clothing with me and enjoy the sauna.

Holiest of guacamole.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I sure am.

(balloon squeaking)

(chuckles)

Oh. You meant steal their clothes.

This will be your workspace.

Uh... This won't do.

We-- We need to work in an environment we're familiar with.

Okay!

This is more like it.

(clank)

Wha-- Excuse me.

This water fountain isn't supposed to be here.

It's supposed to be here.

We did the best we could based on the satellite photos, but it looks like we're about 6 inches off all around.

Typical government contractors.

"6 inches off"?

Is that how you explain bombing Cambodia during the Vietnam w*r?

That's correct?

6 inches on the map represents 12 miles.

We regret the error, and it weighs heavily on our hearts every day.

Oh.

Well... Don't b*at yourself up.

Nurse, get me a coffee.

Nurse? Where are the nur--

No nurse?

We need a nurse.

(glass shatters)

This is so cool!

We got to go check out the Jefferson bathroom!

The East Wing bathroom, the kitchen-staff bathroom.

The Chester A. Arthur half-bath.

As William Howard Taft used to say, "Let's go!"

Ambassadors. I've been looking everywhere for you.

Ambassadors? No, no. We're not am--

Ow! Stop it.

Sorry. We're not ambassa--

Ow! Quit it, Blake.

We're not ambassadors. I just wanted t--

(whispering)

(chuckles nervously)

(whispering)

Ohhhhhh!

I got it!

We are the ambassadors that you were just talking about.

Good. Follow me to the diplomat meeting room.

The diplomat meeting room.

Sweet! Do you know what this means?

I sure do.

Got the X-rays.

Great.

Well, if only we had someone to put them on the light box, then we'd be able to look at them.

Okay, you guys, come on, please.

If we don't cure her, then I may never see Brian again.

Hold on.

This isn't about saving the life of a child nobody wanted anyway.

This is about love.

Then we will do whatever it takes.

But we still... need... a nurse.

(gasps)

Oh.

(sighing) Oh. Thank you, nurse.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Talk to me, science.

Holiest of guacamole.

That little half-blood has a matchbox car up her nose.

It's a pretty rare condition, actually, closely related to a penny in the ear or a jelly bean up the butt.

Usually hereditary.

Sometimes I forget just how good you are.

Hmm.

Ambassadors, welcome.

We were discussing whether there's any way the world community can prevail on you to reverse your country's position on the occupation.

Uhhhhhhhhhh...

Yeah. Why not? Yes.

So, you'll take your weapons out of Bahrain?

Uh-huh. Yeah. Totally.

I mean, let's-- let's-- let's do that.

Let's do it to it.

And, Bahrain, you will release their prisoners?

Over to me now?

Um... You know... Whatever works for you guys.

You got it.

It seems we have finally brokered a peace in the region.

Well done, ladies and gentlemen.

Great job, Blake.

Wait!

Who's this "Blake"?

Not me. I'm Owen.

(sighs) Security!

Oh! Oh, it's gonna be the same guy--

I knew it was gonna be the same guy!

This is the guy from before!

No kidney punches! Come on, man!

Good work, team. The President is very pleased and feels even better knowing that you are all staying here in this facility indefinitely as the private doctors to this secret nonperson.

And now I can finally see... Brian.

Um, what did he mean by "staying around"?

Well, the bastard has to remain a secret, so... we're not going anywhere.

I didn't even know that the president had cheated.

(silenced g*nsh*t)

Ugh!

Wait. So, we're staying here?

(sighs)

I'm gonna need another coffee.

Nurse?

Hello?

Nurse?!

(sighing) Oh! Thank you!

Mm-hmm.

No-- Stop! Get out of my way!

What is this?

Aah!

Madam First Lady, ma'am!

Are these lollipops?

Is this a children's hospital? Are you a doctor?

D-- Wh-- Eh, I don't-- I wouldn't--

Please do not waste my time trying to stumble into some dimwitted excuse.

We're ghosts from the future.

Oh. Well, why didn't you say so?

Hey, you guys, look, I'm sorry I was duped.

Lola--

I'm trying to say I'm sorry, okay?

That we have to stay here for the President's secret illegitimate daughter--

Oh. Um...

We're ghosts from the future.

My husband has balls.

I just wish he would keep those balls in his pants instead of sticking them in every hole in the West Wing until they're no longer testicle balls but wrecking balls, metaphorically.

Wrecking a career...

A family...

A marriage.

Oh, my God! That's it!

What?

The car up her nose! I told you it was hereditary!

Well, don't get mad at me.

Ma'am, is there any chance that you gave birth seven years ago?

I do so many things in a day as the First Lady, it's impossible to remember all of them.

Yes, I did.

Just as I suspected.

You are the mother of the President's illegitimate daughter, which makes her... legitimate.

Mrs. President, meet your daughter.

Oh, look at you!

Ohhhhh!

That was quite a stunt your team pulled, Spratt.

Yes. I know. I'm sorry.

It's just that I would've done anything to see--

(gasps)

Brian.

A deal's a deal, Lola.

You saved that bastard, And here I am.

Brian... I--

You're getting hysterical, Lola.

Was I?

Now, listen to me and listen to me good.

You're one of the best agents we've ever seen.

Nobody does a better Aaron Neville.

(vocalizing)

But you're an even better doctor.

It's time for you to go home, Lola.

Brian, what-- what about--

Shh.

Wh--

No, don't do it.

(voice breaking) No. Don't put that nose on.

Don't--

(Brian's voice) Sorry, darling.

Dr. Brian has been called away on a crucially important, long-term undercover mission.

It's best for both of you... to move on.

Righteous.

♪ Is that a donkey? ♪
♪ No! It is a soul donkey! ♪

(soul music plays)