03x04 - Series 3, Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

Ma'am?... What's happening? Are we off?

Bird, I've got an exciting new role for you.

As my roommate!

Had to vacate my quarters to make way for our Afghan colleagues.

So, here I am. Yay!

What? But...

OK, fine, but there is definitely a "no yays" rule in here.

Cheer up, Little Miss Grumpy! It'll be fun.

Good for team bonding.

Oh, in fact, we should do what I did with my last team, Facepack Friday.

I'd rather do Slash My Wrists Saturday.

Mm, you'll come round to it.

Mm, I won't.

Whoa, what is that?

Bunting? Sorry, are we having a cake sale?

Funny, Bird.

Oh, now, where shall I put these?

You're more than welcome to borrow anything so we could set up a communal area.

Just to clarify... Ma'am.

Oh...

Oh, morning, Bird! What do you think?

Um... it looks like a brothel in the Cotswolds.

How would you know? Oh, gap year job, was it?

See? Little joke.

Fun. Tick!

Oh, I really need to wash.

Well, feel free to help yourself to any of my stuff.

In fact, you should borrow this.

Uh. It's all right. I use soap.

Not some kind of liquid fruit salad.

Seriously, Bird, it's like a bottled massage.

Oh!

Deodorant?

Yellow paint? Hm?

I'm putting the can... down.

I'm putting my can down.

The can is on the ground.

Fun!

100 packets of Screech, proffed from the cookhouse.

Best squash ever.

And the hardest soft drink known to man.

We're going super-strength. Five in a mug. Down in one.

♪ I get knocked down But I get up again

♪ You're never going to keep me down

♪ I get knocked down But I get up again

♪ You're never going to keep me down

♪ I get knocked down But I get up again

♪ You're never going to keep me down

♪ I get knocked down But I get up again... ♪

Ready? OK, three... two... one.

Ho, ho, ho! It's Father Post-mas!

Have you all been good boys and girls?

Just give us the post, Medal.

Whoa! It's like being punched in the face by an orange!

There's a package for you, Towerblock, and a letter for you, Mac.

Is anyone else thirsty?

It's from my da'.

He's still not talking to me.

How can a drink make you thirsty?

This is like when I went to the beach.

Oh, mint! Ah, it's from the Missus. For our anniversary.

From the night we first met.

Oh, that's actually quite romantic.

And I shagged her at the bus stop by Elland Road.

That is less romantic.

You don't know how much she loves Leeds United.

Sticky.

Sticky!

And here is my sexy promise for when I get home.

Are they used?

No, because she's classy.

Yes, I got that from the bus stop.

Wait up.

Ah, no! No, no, no, no!

She's shopping at f*cking Waitrose!

Why didn't she just send me a parcel full of burnt fivers?

To be fair, Waitrose do check their prices against other supermarkets.

And then go "Yup, ours is definitely higher."

I can't believe that she'd s*ab me in the wallet like this.

Ooh! Time for ANA b*mb-tech training. Got to protect the asset.

Is that a euphemism for w*nk*ng?

No, I'm Ellen's personal escort.

It is a euphemism for w*nk*ng!

No. In my professional opinion, the Afghan National Army are dodgy bastards.

You know what, I reckon the ANA guys are all right. I mean, it must be tough having to fight against the Taliban when they're from your own country and that so we should probably give them the benefit of the doubt. Aye?

Corporal Lansley, you are joining the brave ANA heroes for their training?

Brave? Heroes? ANA?

Well, no, they are the ANA.

I wouldn't leave the boss alone with a single one of them.

And today we're expecting 20.

Well...

Four. 20.

Very similar, as I say to the taxman.

Tax.

Yes, well, you only need one wrong 'un.

Like him.

Why's he staring at us? It's suspicious.

That is Wakdar. He is the best!

The only one who does not smoke weed.

Trying to stay sharp, very suspicious.

You think that all Afghan people are suspicious.

I do not!

You're an Afghan and I trust... that's a bad example.

He's coming over.

With respect, Corporal, we don't really use the word "Afghan."

I myself am Hazara, and these two men are Pashtun, and he is Uzbek.

That's interesting. By which I mean suspicious.

Oh, is this it? Disappointing turn out.

Yes, rather like my 21st birthday party.

There'd been an incident on the A131.

People were stuck, not unwilling.

Well, let's just cr*ck on anyway.

No cracking on, I'm afraid, Captain Best.

All training and Ops on hold.

Some nut job Pastor in Florida's set fire to 1,000 Korans and the Taliban are just a teeny-tiny bit massively f*cked off about it.

The ANA must've got wind of it and decided to stay home. Except this four.

Suspicious.

Might not be that bad, Sir. Just a storm in a teacup.

Might be more of a m*ssacre in a mug.

To quote the great m*llitary strategist, Carl von Clausewitz, "sh*t just got real."

Reports show the Taliban are still moving south, so we've got a few hours to prepare.

I'm Briefing at 0900 hours. Carry on.

Or rather don't carry on. Carry on not carrying on.

Carry on.

I just had the biggest piss of my life!

And it was orange! Like that Coldplay song, Yellow.

But orange.

Oh, more Screech, result!

So, ten packets each straight in, no water.

Bring it on!

Towerblock? You in?

I'd rather she was having an affair.

At least then someone else would be paying for her dinner.

So call her and tell her to stop spunking away your cash.

On our anniversary? Yeah, nice.

You're tit-whipped.

It's not that. If I was at home I'd tell her, we'd have a bloody great row, then hot make-up sex and it'd be sorted.

But if I call her from here I just get the row.

So? Call her, have a row then a hot make-up wank!

You remember when I didn't call her for her birthday cos of Op Minimise?

And she posted me my signed Leeds United shirt?

Drop dead, good advice!

Come on! Are we doing this or not?

Aye, all right. Ready?

Three... two...

Go!

Guys, you've got to come and see this.

Is it another burst dog?

Worse.

Brilliant!

I can't feel my tongue! Or my mouth!

Nice. She's brightened the place up a bit.

Ah, definitely smells better than our quarters. Less... semeny.

You are sh1tting me!

That is cunting bunting!

What's going on?

Ooh! Fairy lights! Nice.

Why is no-one on my side here?

You do know she wants us all to do f*cking Facepack Friday?

Brilliant. When? Oh, Friday!

Could be good for team bonding?

And my sensitive Glaswegian skin.

Civvies go paintballing for team bonding.

We are in an actual f*cking w*r!

Not that you'd know it looking at Helmand's answer to Cath-cocking-Kidston!

But isn't the best thing about being a girl getting to have all this?

Just because I have a vag*na doesn't mean I have to like all this wafty sh*t!

Maybe you should try girling up a bit, Bird.

Facepack Friday might chill you the f*ck out.

I don't need to chill the f*ck out!

That will be all, thank you, gentlemen.

You are excused.

Out!

So thanks to this Koran-burning bell-end, we're going to see some action, and it's going to be tight.

We're low on members after most of the Afghan National Army have phoned in with a bad case of, "Holy sh*t, I'm staying well out of this."

Only a loyal few have turned up.

Loyal? More like the enemy within.

Simon! The ANA are valuable allies in the fight against terror.

Oh, you weren't joking! Actually, he may have a point.

There was a green on blue at PB Hockley this morning.

No British casualties but three ANA.

Intelligence indicates the att*ck on the base is due early afternoon.

And, by intelligence, I mean a text from Faruq's cousin's second wife's nephew.

He is very funny on Twitter. You should follow him.

So we have time to build up our defences and, most importantly, have an early lunch.

What's the first rule? Lunch. Now, the briefing.

I'm afraid I haven't had much time, so please excuse the crudity of this model.

Oh, Sir!

OK, we need to pinpoint their mortar positions and f*ring points or else...

Terribly sorry, Corporal Lansley, I seem to have set you on fire.

That's quite all right, Sir.

Right, we need to get this down ASAP.

Whoa, custard and ketchup, is that going to stay down?

Yeah! It all tastes of chemical orange anyway. It's delicious.

Called your wife yet, Towerblock?

It's very much at the top of my to-don't list.

Ahh! Hey, there, roomie! Bunk buddy!

What's going on, sister?

OK, Bird. Good you're trying a new look, but that is well in breach of Queen's regs.

And that lip gloss clashes.

Oh, does it?

Oh, epic fail, #awkward.

But we can talk about it at Facepack Friday! Yay!

Are you up for that now? When is that again?

And afterwards we can totally do each other's nails in our jammies!

My head is confused!

Right, those are mine!

Sorry, Ma'am, but you did say I could help myself to your stuff!

Yes. I did. No, correct statement.

But I didn't mean... Just take them off, Bird!

Oh!

But if I'm not all girlie, then how will be able to bond with the rest of my team?

OK, Bird, clearly you think that being a woman means being an idiot, or weak.

No, Ma'am, women are strong. People take women seriously.

Boudicca. Brienne of Tarth.

Beyonce... with a g*n!

Want that!

Womanly, fine. Girlie, not fine.

Oh. Oh, silly me, that hand cream has made my hands slippery-wippery!

If this carries on, I'm going to need to go and cr*ck one off!

Bird, you think we can discuss this when we don't have an att*ck imminent? Do you have to sit so close, Simon?!

There is a wrong 'un back there and I am not taking any chances.

Simon, they're stoned but you're the one who's paranoid.

Frankly, Bird, I can't take you seriously looking like that.

Point proved!

We need to be in defensive positions in 15 minutes.

Go and change.

Good. Cos all this girlie sh*t is making me feel really...

Hey up, ANA approaching.

As a gesture of friendship, I would like to offer you these traditional Hazara cakes.

I made them myself.

Oh, really? That's very nice. Wakdar, is it?

Yes, Wakdar.

That's very kind. Very kind indeed.

Goodbye. See you later.

No!

They could be poisoned!

Well, if they are, it's delicious poison. Lemony.

No, orange.

Oh...

(Crashes loudly)

Corporal Bird.

It is not your place to talk to me like that in front of the team.

Well, CAPTAIN Best, it is not your place to tell me how to be a woman.

Well, you're being so weird about it.

What is wrong with being feminine?

The Taliban are on their way to k*ll us. With g*ns.

I propose to stop then. With g*ns, not hand cream.

Bird, it's not an either-or.

You can fight the Taliban and still take care of your skin.

You should totally write adverts for Dove.

I'm serious.

And so am I. I'm not doing Facepack Friday.

Bird, Facepack Friday is not about pampering.

It's about feeling part of the team and your face feeling amazing.

Part of the team?

Since day one, I have been sh*t at with the team, been blown up with team.

I turned down promotion to stay with the team.

And I think someone feels threatened by that.

And I think someone is threatened by this.

I'm not threatened by it.

I just don't f*cking like it... Ma'am.

Shall we go and fight the Taliban now?

Well, I'm going to have to sh**t something.

Come on, Skip.

There's already been a green on blue so there'll no' be another.

They're like buses, Rocket.

You wait ages and then three come at once.

And the third one's always full of sick.

Trust me. Wakdar's the type to hold a grudge.

Just because some Yank burns a book.

The Koran is the Holy Word of Allah.

To disrespect it is to disrespect God himself.

Well, I think that's a bit...

I cannot believe how little you understand of our culture.

You've been in our country for ten years now.

Well, not personally but...

And still you are as ignorant as the day you came.

You should fear the anger of an offended man.

Everyone hear that?

Practically a signed confession.

Rocket?

Rocket?

Huh? Is my tongue still orange?

Cos my jobbies are.

And they're fizzy.

Towerblock! You're with us!

f*cking hell. You still not called her?

I just don't know how to say "Happy anniversary, and stop spending my money," in one phone call.

Like that - "Happy anniversary, stop spending my money." Job done.

Yeah, job done and wife f*cked off!

Towerblock, you've got to get this done. Let's practice.

I'll be you, you be her.

Oh, don't be daft.

Boo-beep. Boo-beep-boop. Beep boop.

Brrr.

Brrr, brrr.

Mac, we're expecting an att*ck any minute!

Brrr, brrr.

Brrr, brrr.

Brrr, brrr...

Hello?

Hey up, Mrs Towerblock, it's me, Mr Towerblock.

Happy anniversary.

I don't sound anything like that.

Stop f*cking spending me money or when I get back I won't give you any Towercock for a month.

All right, all right! I will call.

Just stop doing that stupid voice.

It's your stupid voice.

(Sound of distant g*nf*re)

Oh, thank f*ck for that.

(Alarm blares)

Charlie, one, one. This is diamond, zero, alpha.

Reference - my fire mission. Sierra, one, three.

Request immediate fire support. Acknowledge. Over.

Thank you so much. Out.

Skip, the enemy's this way!

Are they?

RPG!

They're going for the rear gate!

sh*t! Wakdar's going to let them in!

Wakdar! Stop! Drop your w*apon!

But...

Now!

They're at the gate!

I know! And they're not coming in!

Yes, they are!

f*ck! You could have said!

How many inside?

I counted four!

sh*t! This is my fault.

Don't blame yourself, Skip. We'll do that for you later.

Towerblock, cover the gate. Mac, that way!

Wakdar, on me.

Shite.

sh*t! Where's that coming from?

Not today, thank you.

Agh! sh*t!

sh*t! Agh!

Bird! Are you OK?!

Agh! Urgh!

I'm covered in peach foam!

Well, you smell terrific.

Shite! w*nk*r!

He's still moving.

Medic!

Simon, are we clear?

Grenade!

Simon. You just...

Saved your life?

Well, depending on the grenade variant, blast radius. So...

Thank you.

You can let go of me now.

Oh. Clear!

Well done.

All clear!

Good.

We made a good team in the end, did we not?

We did, Wakdar. Like ham and eggs.

Sorry, you don't eat ham, do you?

Do you eat eggs?

Maybe it is time you learned more about my culture.

Oh, wow.

The Koran.

Um...

Exit Wounds by Andy McNab.

I shall treasure it.

Assalaamu Alaikum, Simon Lansley.

Live long and... prosper...

(Wakdar.)

Are you snorting Screech? That is f*cking insane.

Only cos I want to, mind. Not because I need to.

I don't. I could give up Screech any time.

Nae bother.

So?

Her spending spree is over cos now she's gone and spent all my money on a new Mini.

A new Mini! What?

Your tits must be red raw.

She is good.

f*ck it, she deserves some fun. Me away all the time.

Aye, she probably bought it as a penis substitute for you.

Well, it is a Mini!

Piss off!

Right, final Screech challenge. One line each.

Three... two... one...

Well done, Bluestone 42!

Top work all round.

God, it's burning behind my eyes! But it hurts so good!

Yes, do fall out, Private. It's been that sort of day.

Overall, lots of swift tactical decisions. att*ck repelled.

Big tick. Top of the class.

Although you can't all be top of the class so...

No. The point is good instincts all round.

Instincts. Yes, thank you.

What? I was right about the ANA. There was a wrong 'un.

But you got the wrong wrong 'un.

Maybe, but my instincts...

No.

If you'd just left it then your wrong wrong 'un would've stopped the right wrong 'un from wronging all over the place.

Are you all right, Rocket?

Aye. I'm fine, boss.

Good. Anyway, stressful day.

You know what we should do.

This was an excellent idea, boss.

Aye, mint.

Gleaming.

I have always enjoyed whiting up. Very humorous in my culture.

And you get a snack, too.

Good work, Captain Best.

You enjoying the team-bonding, Bird? I knew you'd come round to it.

How is it bonding when one of the team f*cking hates it?

Because the rest of the team really had to pull together to get you in that chair.

You cheated. You used brute force.

Well, what do you expect, Bird? We're soldiers. Not Barbie dolls.

Oh!

Yay!

Get off me!

Don't fight me, you'll do yourself a mischief!

You're violating me...