01x20 - Last Goose Standing

[bunniefuu]

Mmm, something smells good.

Thanks!

Iay!

Alberto, what are you doing here?!

I'm making my huevos con queso with extra baloney.

You know, it's not just healthy.

It's delicious!

No, why are you in our house this early in the morning?

I've seen you here in the afternoons, and I didn't love it.

Felix didn't tell you?

Morning... most of you.

No. Felix didn't tell me.

A-Alberto, I wasn't expecting to see you here.

Ah, didn't tell her, huh?

Tell me what?!

Alberto needs a place to stay while his roommate's girlfriend's in town... a few days at the most.

Could be a week.

Yeah, we're not putting a number on it.

And when exactly were you planning on asking me, mi Amor?

I was kind of hoping you wouldn't notice him.

You know, this is getting really awkward.

I'm just gonna eat this out on the lawn.

I don't know about this, Felix.

[Door closes]

Oh, so your mom and Cristela get to stay as long as they want, but my cousin has to go?

Cristela is just staying till she passes the bar.

And ama is just staying until she... Passes.

Come on, mi Amor. It's only a few days.

A week.

We're not putting a number on it.

Morning.

Besides, I told him yes.

[Sighs] Fine.

But fully dressed out of the bathroom.

No robes.

I don't want to see what I saw on Christmas Eve.

Why is Alberto standing out on the lawn, eating out of a skillet?

Hey, can I get some hot sauce?

Thanks.

Is that huevos con queso?

Yeah, with extra baloney.

Oh, hold on. I'll be right there.

One medium dark roast.

Hey, Mr. culpeper's the only one that can call me that.

[Laughs]

And now I'm uncomfortable.

[Chuckles] Sorry.

Thanks for the coffee. You didn't have to.

Yeah, I did... you helped me out with that g*n-range expansion.

But we didn't get the permit our clients needed.

Exactly. We failed.

So the environment lives another day.

[Chuckles]

To failure.

[Both chuckle]

[Maddie giggles]

[Whining] I want one.

Get your own coffee, Maddie.

No, I was talking about your man.

He's not my man.

He's just a man, you know... well, not just a man.

I'm sure he's more than that, not that I would know.

It doesn't even really matter, 'cause we work together.

What are you guys talking about?

Oh, just, um, dating coworkers.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, it makes sense, you know.

They're the people you see the most.

You know you have similar interests.

And you've watched them eat in the ugliest lighting possible.

Oh, and when you get in a fight, you can have your dad fire them.

[Chuckles]

That's not how it works for everybody.

Besides, I don't have to worry about dating, because it would just get in the way of my career.

Hmm, that's smart.

You can date after you've reached all your goals.

Like Ruth bader ginsburg.

Come on, Cristela.

You can watch me deliver the bad news to the g*n-range clients.

Oh, breaking bad news to men with g*ns?

I'll be right behind you.

Directly behind you. Good.

It'll be a learning experience, and I get to use the carpool Lane.

Ah! Shotgun!

[Chuckles]

Sure. We'll get you one.

[Chuckles]

So, what do you think of the place, Cristela?

I like my stores to have a higher snack-to-g*n ratio.

Mm, cowboy hats and six-sh**t... it's kind of a Yosemite Sam's club.

[Chuckles]

Oh, there they are, the men who made it rain.

Welcome back to Texas, gentlemen.

Good-looking. Ed.

Yeah.

It's great to see you again.

I see you haven't missed a burrito, yeah?

[Chuckles]

Mike: Got to love Texas.

The three R's of education... reading, 'riting, and remington.

[All chuckling]

You remember my associate, Cristela Hernandez.

Hi. Nice to see you again. Used to have that blond intern that was like talking to a piece of wood.

[Chuckles] Remember her?

Yeah. That's his daughter. Oh-ho.

Let me finish!

[Laughter]

So, yeah. So how is that g*n-range expansion looking?

You know that I explained to the committee that your expansion would contribute to, enhance, and promote the general welfare in the area...

Yeah... Plus we would comply with all zoning regulations and standards.

They didn't buy it. We couldn't get the permit.

Yeah, it's just that Nadine wilfork chairs the planning commission, and, uh, well, she's kind of environmental crazy.

And by crazy, you mean someone who likes the planet we live on?

Bona fide nutjob. You betcha.

She lets her personal politics get in the way of progress every time.

Makes no sense... I mean, there's no zoning regulations in Houston.

You can have a refinery right next to a preschool.

It's beautiful. Yes.

Well, this is Dallas.

We still have a few stray liberals gumming up the works.

But thank God, it's not Austin.

With their misguided love of nature... And preschoolers!

Ugh, Austin!

All right, well, hunters are good for the environment.

I think this guy would disagree.

Not a big g*n fan, huh?

Mm, not huge, no.

Have you ever discharged a firearm?

Does "call of duty" count?

[Chuckles]

Don't knock it till you've tried it.

Come with me for a minute.

Could you punch this open for us?

[Beeping]

Just take a look.

[g*nshots]

Wow!

Ah, ha!

It wasn't that bad!

[Laughs]

Uh, maybe we should expand that range!

[Laughs]

Yeah.

Can't be wrong if it feels this right.

[Chuckles]

Another late night researching zoning ordinances.

Who said law isn't fun?

At least the people who bought my tickets to the mavericks game are having a good time.

Not really. They're down by 15.

Unless you're taping it. Then it's a tie game.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but it's kind of fun destroying the earth with you.

[Chuckles]

The problem is, when you're done, there's nowhere to celebrate.

I think I found a way to get the job done and still be green.

Lay it on me.

Well, uh, the zoning chair, Nadine Wilfork, is a big donor to Anwar.

Arctic National Wildlife Refuge... love it.

And the biggest problem for the refuge is geese.

Huh.

I would have thought it was drunk shipping captains.

[Laughs]

Nope.

But if we reduce geese in Texas before they fly back, Nadine will be happy.

[Chuckles]

Once again, you've saved the day.

[Chuckles]

Since I've already bought you coffee, how about I buy you dinner?

I keep thinking I deserve money.

Who's ready to break ground on a new g*n-range expansion?

Been ready.

Armed and ready.

Obviously. That was a rhetorical question.

Great! Okay, Trent, how did you do it?

Well, go on, Cristela. You tell 'em. It's your rodeo.

Thank you, sir.

And in this rodeo, I'm guessing you rode the bull, and you were that little, greasy clown scaring the kids.

So, what do you guys think about geese?

I like them featherless, upside down, and roasted.

Nice.

Well, no one keeps geese from returning to Alaska quite like the hunters in Texas.

Hmm. I assured Nadine wilfork that outdoor man would give seminars on goose hunting, which will protect her beloved Anwar.

That is a wonderful move. Congratulations.

Thank you. [Chuckles]

That's great. Nicely done.

Hey, Dave. Come over here a second.

I want you to give Cristela a lifetime membership to the g*n range.

But the g*n range is free.

Ha! Well, she didn't have to know that.

You know, I just wanted the kid to think she got something out of the deal.

A job well done is reward enough.

Besides, there's already so many zeroes in my paycheck.

They're all zeroes, to be exact.

But the important thing is you got your permit, proving that everything is bigger in Texas.

Mike: It is.

Yep.

Just standing around with three totally secure men, talking about the size of their g*n range.

Felix: Hola, mi Amor.

[Door closes]

You're home early.

Well, that's the dirty secret about call centers.

We put you on hold so we can leave.

[Chuckles]

Who is my smooth operator?

Oh, Felix, stop. Isn't Alberto with you?

Nope.

I got him working on a job across town.

He'll be gone all day.

So, Alberto's gone, ama is at bingo, and the kids are at school.

Mm, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh, this is just like before we had kids...

Hmm.

And ama... And Cristela.

Okay, you're ruining the mood.

[Chuckles]

[Giggling]

[Gasps]

It's in our bed!

20 more minutes.

Alberto, what are you doing here?

Oh, hey, bro.

Oh, man, you know, I got to be honest with you.

Oh, the couch isn't as comfortable as I thought.

So you're napping in our bed, Alberto?!

[Yawning] I'm trying to.

Sorry. We... we should have knocked.

Just... what? Why would we knock?

It's our bedroom!

It's a common courtesy.

Ah.

Obviously, you guys got stuff to talk about.

[Sniffs]

[Door closes]

T-this doesn't bother you at all?

Come on, mi Amor. He's harmless.

Besides, it's laundry day, anyway.

Felix, this is our private space.

A couple's bedroom should be sacred.

[Knock on door]

Do you know what's worse than losing 10 rounds at bingo?

Coming home and finding Alberto in my bed!

One of you deal with this, or I will!

Huh?

[Door closes]

I want him out.

Whose happiness do you care about more... mine or his?

I want everyone to be happy!

Oh, I forgot these.

You guys want some? I-I can get a bowl.

Okay, then.

[Door closes]

Fine, fine. He goes. But you have to tell him.

I can't look into his puppy-dog eyes and deliver the bad news.

I can put that puppy to sleep.

I'm treating my g*n-range membership the same way I treat my gym membership.

I will not be going.

Well, you may never use it, but it's nice to know it's there.

That's how I feel about my unicycle.

[Chuckles]

Uh, meet you for dinner at 8:00?

Sure.

Just don't come packing.

Don't come unicycling! [Laughs]

So, uh, um, like, what was, uh... like, what was... what was that about?

I found the fix for that outdoor man case, so Ben's taking me to dinner.

[Squeals] You got a date!

You're dressed wrong, but you got a date!

Date?

Mm-hmm!

It's not a date.

Oh, I don't... I mean, I heard "dinner at 8:00."

That sounds like a date to me.

Yeah, well, we also talked about g*ns and unicycles.

Still sound like a date?

[Laughs]

Hell, yeah, it does! Am I right?!

I do not think you should get involved in office romances.

You said the exact opposite before!

Did you record me? Can you prove it?

For the last time, it's not a date.

Okay, can the person who's actually been on a date give her opinion? [Clears throat]

Okay, so, if all he wants to talk about is work, then Cris is right.

But if he wants to get to know you as a person, then it's a date.

Yeah, and then you are in big trouble.

You're in big, big trouble.

Why?

Because he thinks it's a date.

And when you tell him it's not, he's gonna look like an idiot in public.

Lawyers do not like to be humiliated by interns.

Or carnival people who guess their weight.

That happened to my dad once.

[Soft music playing]

This place is fancy.

I bet you order right at the table.

[Chuckles]

Check out the bread. It has raisins.

Ooh! [Laughs]

And the lighting.

It's a lot dimmer than a sizzler, huh?

So...

Let's talk about permits and geese.

What's there to say?

The geese are all dead now, thanks to you.

[Chuckles] Wow.

You lay on the guilt worse than my mother.

Well, I learned from the best... my mother.

May she rest in peace.

I'm so sorry. When did she pass?

Oh, no, she's alive.

She just has trouble sleeping.

[Laughs]

So, did you grow up in Dallas?

Uh, yes, I did, actually, not that far from the office.

Where I work. [Chuckles]

And you work.

Don't remind me.

I come from a big family. How about you?

Not that big.

There's way more people at the office.

Why do you keep bringing up work?

I asked you to dinner so I could learn more about you as a person.

[Sighs] Oh, boy, here we go.

Should I brace myself? Are you that interesting?

Are you banksy?

Listen, Ben, I think you're great-looking and you're funny and smart.

Um, and I probably would date you, but I have this philosophy about dating getting in the way of my career, you know?

Do you understand?

Not really.

I thought this was a work thing, not a date.

This is a date, right?

No!

God, no. I...

Okay [Scoffs] uh, a simple "no" would have been fine.

There was no need to add the "God, no."

I'm sorry.

This is just me taking you out for a job well done.

Honestly, I don't see gender when I'm working.

Uh, I don't see gender, either.

I-I was just saying the same thing to that blond fellow, Maddie.

I apologize if there's anything I did to make this feel like a date.

Oh, no, no. [Scoffs] It's a relief, you know.

Here I was worrying that you would be humiliated.

N-now only I am. [Chuckles]

Oh, look. They have goose.

Oh, hey, Natalia, what are you doing?

Hmm, it doesn't feel so good when someone's sleeping in your bed, does it?

You know, I don't really care.

It just means your room's free.

Oh, no! No, no!

No! Alberto!

[Chuckling] I love chasing her to the bedroom.

Alberto, look.

Uh, we need to talk about you staying here.

Good, 'cause I wanted to talk to you about that.

So, guess what!

My roommate broke up with his girlfriend, so, uh, I'm moving back.

Oh!

So sorry to see you go.

You know, thanks for letting me stay here.

I-I was starting to think that you didn't like me very much, like I was, you know, irritating you all the time.

No!

Alberto, no.

Not all the time.

You know something, Daniela?

I don't just come here 'cause Felix is my cousin.

I come here because you're so incredibly giving.

Thank you.

No, thank you, Daniela.

You know, it takes a special kind of person to welcome someone like me into your home.

You're welcome here anytime.

Good!

'Cause I was lying about my roommate, actually, uh...

One tall, skinny vanilla.

[Chuckles]

Hey, only my dad can call me that.

Regular.

Yep, that's my nickname for you.

What are these for?

To show you that buying someone coffee doesn't mean that they want to date them.

Wait, so you bought us coffee to prove that we were wrong?

It's a $7 lesson, if anyone wants to pay me back.

Uh, date didn't go so well, huh?

Not great, Josh.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, 'cause, you know, my date actually went pretty well.

You went out on a date last night?

Well, yeah, I mean, you went out with someone from the office, so I decided to put my money where my mouth is and put this bad boy back on the market.

Wow, I hope you were that smooth.

Who did you go on a date with?

Well, we're actually coworkers, so we kind of want to keep that discreet.

Is it Rita in the cafeteria?

No.

Wait, is it jennie in accounting?

No!

[Gasps] Is it jan?!

Hey, Cris. Can I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, God, no!

Oh, I see what you did there.

That... that is hurtful.

I'm sorry again for the misunderstanding.

Don't apologize.

I took a pretty girl to a fancy restaurant.

I probably sent the wrong message.

I'm sorry. What? All I heard was "pretty."

What I said last night is true.

I-I did not think we were going on a date.

Which made me realize, I would like to.

Go on a date.

With you.

But what about dating getting in the way of my career?

That's as dumb as my gender thing.

So you say my theory is dumb, but you also say I'm pretty.

I can work with that.

I was thinking maybe you could teach me how to sh**t a g*n, and I'll teach you how to ride a unicycle.

Or dinner. You know, dinner works, too.

Dinner it is.

Ooh... Ah...

Ooh...

Okay, I'm all set.

I guess this is, uh, goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

I'll miss you, mi familia.

We can't start missing you till you leave.