06x03 - We Are Not Our DNA

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Childrens Hospital...

Hey, Blake, you're a hunter?

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Pheasant. Check this out.

(bird call sounds)

That's not what pheasant sounds like.

No, pheasant's more like, "bl-bl-bl."

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

No, I think you're both wrong, actually.

It's more like, "ha-ha-ha-haaaa."

Close.

Bird!

Bud-a-boo-da-bum da-ba-ba-boom!

Shabba dabba doo!

Dee-dee-dee-dee. Ditty-ditty.

Shama-lama-doo-bop da-bop-bop boopity-bop.

Yabba dabba doo.

That's it!

It's yabba dabba doo!

(g*nsh*t)

Hi. Can I have your attention, please?

Gather 'round. All right.

Now, insurance requires that all of us take a DNA test in order to find out if any of us are genetically predisposed to malpractice.

I accept that premise at face value.

Gene.

Good morning.

My name is Gene, and I am a geneticist, So, yes, I've heard all the jokes before.

What jokes are those?

You see, my name is Gene, and I'm a geneticist.

"Gene" is the first four letters in "geneticist."

Oh. (laughs)

Oh. (laughing) Okay!

Oh, wow.

That is like "other level" funny.

Thank you, Gene, for sharing that type of humor.

All right, before we begin, I have to warn you, a lot of people get freaked out when they get their results.

Sometimes the secrets locked within our genetic blueprints can be traumatizing.

In fact, I took a DNA test years ago, but after the lives I've seen ruined, I decided to never open my results.

Bored! Can we just do this thing?

It's your funeral.

Now, I'm going to need you all to spit...

(spitting)

...into these saliva kits.

(together) Oh.

(spitting)

Can you just angle it towards us a little bit?

Attention staff. Reminder that all doctors on duty should be physicians. Not like, doctor of philosophy or something. That is all.

(gasps) Test results! Gimme!

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Well, I promise I won't, but I can't promise you that I won't tell everybody that "Gene/geneticist" joke the other day.

(laughing) I mean, that is too good.

Mine says, "shares 98% single-cell "RNA alleles with subject 34."

I'm subject 34.

Can you explain this in a way that you don't need a medical degree to understand, please?

But you do have a medi--

Nothing. Forget it.

It means you two are brother and sister.

(gasping)

Oh, my God! I'm going to die on Thursday?

Oh, my God!

Wow. I'm astronaut Neil Armstrong.

I thought he d*ed.

Well, apparently not.

But, you know, this does add up. with all of the moon rocks on my desk, I'm always wearing a diaper, and with my memory of walking on the moon.

(gasps) I have liver failure?

I'm gonna die.

I have a liver surplus.

What?

Look here. It says, "two healthy livers."

Well, then you can just give me one of your livers!

(gasps) Perfect!

Oh, my God.

Oh!

Oh, wait a minute. Ohh.

It also says that I have a deficiency of generosity.

Sorry.

Hello.

Hello...

Bro.

(both chuckle)

I mean, I guess it makes sense in a way.

We both became doctors.

We both have medium-sized heads.

We both wear shirts.

Well, except when I shower.

(gasps) Oh, my God. Me too!

That's so weird.

Wow. We have a lot to catch up on.

I guess so.

Like, I want to know which one of our parents is a liar.

Yeah! And are you a clown, or am I a not-a-clown?

Yeah! God.

I-I suddenly want to get to know you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay, well, uh, all right, w-w-what kind of music do you listen to?

Or, oh, no!

What kind of food do you like?

That's a good one.

Ooh. Um, well, hard bop jazz, and why don't we go get something to eat and I'll show you what I like?

(chuckles) All right! It's a date!

But obviously not a date.

No, I mean, not a date.

No, no, no, no.

Because...

Yeah, brothers and sisters don't go out on dates.

That would be really weird and nobody ever is gonna say that.

Not a date. No, no. "Date" is the wrong word.

That's not what I would use. (chuckles nervously)

Just a few small steps and one giant leap into my office!

You know, nurse Dori, it's been about 40 years since I walked on the moon.

I think I'm going to celebrate the anniversary in Houston.

Dori! Dori!

So, you know that you have that trick knee that no doctor's ever been able to fix?

Yep. Incredibly painful.

Well, I just discovered a miracle surgery to correct it.

What?! How did you discover it?

There's no time to explain.

I have to operate on you right now.

So let's go! Come on, come on, come on, come on!

Wait a second, Lola. Something doesn't add up.

Yeah, okay, I was trying to trick you.

Now it adds up. But my genes say, "no."

(popping)

(chuckles) "Gene."

(both sigh)

I can't believe how alike we are.

I mean, we finish each other's...

...sentences.

Yeah, I guess we do, huh?

(chuckles)

(sighs) I mean, you know, I've--

I've really enjoyed this...

(both) not-a-date!

Ah! (laughs)

All right. Well, this is me.

Yep.

Well, I guess this is good night.

Yep.

(both chuckle)

I don't know. How do--

How do brothers and sisters say goodbye?

Oh, uh... I don't know.

(chuckles) Yep. Okay.

Good night, sir.

All right.

Oh.

Ah.

Mm. (chuckles)

That was sweet. Yeah.

Oh. (smooches)

Oh. Oh, wow. (laughs)

See you later, alligator.

In a while, crocodile.

(both click tongue)

(laughs)

Uh-oh.

No, no, no, no, no.

No. No. No. No. No.

Oh, my God!

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, you're just going to have to move the lunch.

Yeah, I told you, I'm not gonna be here on Friday.

I can't change it. It's a DNA thing, So... Yeah, I could do a breakfast earlier on Thursday, but the earlier the better.

So... I-I just have a hard out sometime that day.

Yeah, I know. (chuckling) It's crazy.

This is the way we used to do it on the Moon.

I know.

I'm Neil Armstrong.

Oh, you don't get it.

One of these days, nurses, to the Moon!

A place I have been.

And will never go again.

We shouldn't be feeling these feelings.

Siblings should not stick their tongues in each other's mouths.

Or finger each other.

(scoffs) Agreed.

(sighs) Wait, when did we do that?

I'm doing it to you right now.

Ahh. I thought that was my spastic colon.

(sighs) But, yes, you should probably stop that.

Yep.

(inhales sharply)

Oh, God, that's the spot! (grunts)

(both breathing heavily)

No!

What are we doing?!

No. We-- We just can't be alone together.

Like we are right now.

Yeah. In this break room.

That is locked.

(lock clicks)

(exhales sharply)

For God's sake, you're my sister.

And you're my brother. And we share the same... genetic... hot... balls.

Once you've walked on the Moon, It's just too meaningless to live on planet Earth.

That's another thing I won't get to do.

Unless I can book a seat on a moon rocket by Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest.

Val is my sister.

She's had her fingers inside of me.

Blake is my brother.

And... nothing to add.

Genes. (sighs)

They can give us beautiful hair and flawless skin and a sweet set of perfect melons, but they can also be a death sentence.

Hold on, everybody!

I came down here to gloat over my great DNA test results, and it made me realize something.

We are not our DNA!

It doesn't matter what our genes say...

Or what Gene says.

Where does he come up with that stuff?

It also doesn't matter what our jeans say.

I am not paying double for designer jeans just so the label can say "Calvin Klein" or "Gloria Vanderbilt" or whatever.

It doesn't matter if I have sociopathically low levels of generosity.

Let's go get you a liver.

Oh, my God. Thank you, Dori!

(both laugh)

Wow. That was so inspirational.

So.

Yeah.

You guys want to go up to the roof and k*ll ourselves still?

Sure.

Oh, yeah.

Let's do it.

I do too.

Wait! Wait a minute! There's been a mistake!

I mixed up your samples with another group of doctors and Neil Armstrong.

How can you be so stupid?

I don't know.

Then let's find out.

No, don't touch that! Those are my private results.

(gasps) 100% proclivity to stupidity.

Oh, okay. All right. I guess that's that.

So... we're not related?

No. No, I guess not. So...?

No.

No, right?

So I'm not Neil Armstrong.

But I just so remember walking on the Moon.

Oh, of course.

I did the moonwalk at the Motown 25th-Anniversary Special.

Oh.

Okay, so, when am I going to die?

Oh, Tuesday, the 15th. Good.

Now I have to move that lunch date back to the original date, which is fine but kind of annoying.

It says I'm 100% selfish.

(together) Yeah, me too.

I think we learned something here today, guys.

Me, Chet, Sy, Val.

Of course, who can't forget Lola and Dori?

The people who aren't here, Glenn, Owen, Chief, Beth.

Then you sort of have the next level down.

You have, uh, Detective Chance Briggs, Sir Tinkle Button, um, Dr. Brian.

And then you got, uh... Who else, who else?

Oh, Rabbi McJewy. Yeah, that's the other one.