01x01 - Pilot

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Your Family Or Mine". Aired April - June 2015.*
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Based on a popular Israeli comedy, "Your Family Or Mine" revolves around Oliver and Kelli, who are living proof of the adage, "When you marry someone, you don't just marry them, you marry their whole family".

It is a family comedy with an unusual structure - each episode focuses on a different side of the family: one week featuring the couple dealing with Kelli's family, the next spent with Oliver's.
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01x01 - Pilot

Post by bunniefuu »

We always get sucked in when we get to your parents' house.

We can't let that happen tonight.

Get in, get out.

Get in, get out. Got it.

No sucking.

I want us to have at least an hour in the spa before our couples' massage.

Yeah, honey, it's our date night. [ Sighs ]

That's all I want, a special night with my bab-- hey, the camera's connected!

I can see the girls!

And it's so clear! Look at that picture!

Baby, stop! I'm driving!

I just want you to see. [ Sighs ]

I don't feel right about this -- spying on the babysitter.

Honey, it's not spying.

It's security. [ Sighs ]

We've never used her before.

We don't know anything about her.

Lucy's a good girl.

But she's in college. She might go wild.

Don't you remember that p*rn we got in the hotel in Vancouver?

"College Girls Gone Wild."

Do you really think those girls were in college?

They seemed too old.

We need to be careful, okay?

The girls in that movie wasted so much water in that shower scene.

I don't want to pay for that.

And all that soap?

How clean do boobs need to be?

I love that you always try to apply logic to those movies.

I can't help it. It's crazy.

I mean, why would you order a pizza if you don't have enough money to pay for it?

Use your head, p*rn stars!

Man: Okay, everybody, look at me.


So, we're agreed -- we just get in, do your family's weird "two hello" thing, drop off the computer, and get out.



Did you remember Emma's drawing?

Yeah, I got it.

But my mom's never gonna put it on the fridge.

She never hung any of my drawings.

She says it "ruins the aesthetic."

Well, she'd better hang this one.

It's her granddaughter.

And don't tell your mother I went back to work.

Sure, but why not?

She'll judge me.

My mother would never judge you.

I don't even know why I just said that.

Hello, hello!

Hello, hello!

Hello, hello, Oliver!

Hello, hello, Mom! Mwah!

Hello, hello.

Hello, hello, Kelli.

How you doing, Pop?

Where are the girls?

We're supposed to babysit the girls.

Don't worry, Pop.

You're still gonna watch the girls on this.

I put in a nanny cam.

You'll babysit the babysitter.

You don't trust this girl?

Of course we do.

Lucy's very sweet, and she's a college girl.

No, of course we'll watch her. She'll probably go wild.

[ Chuckles ]

College girls -- they go wild all the time.

When we were at that hotel in Vancouver, your mother and I rented this movie --


I brought you something.

Emma drew it.

She wants you to put it on your fridge.

Unless you don't like your granddaughter's drawing.

Are you sure you want this up for everyone to see?

Yes, I'm sure, Ricky.

I don't normally do that, but all right.


Your mother put the drawing on the fridge.

No problem.

Are you sure she put it up?


Are you sure it was my mother?


Maybe only your drawings didn't match the aesthetic.

Spider-man fighting stormtroopers matches every aesthetic.

Okay, here we go.

Another girl just came in.


Who is that?

I never said she could invite a friend over.

She needs someone else with whom to go wild.

Oli, it's fine. Now let's go.

Honey, I just want to take one minute and make sure everything's okay at home.

No, we have t--

[ girl sobbing ]

Why is the other girl crying?

Maya, just calm down.

Girls, why don't you go in the playroom?

Okay. Sure.

Tell me what's going on.

Colin says he needs to talk.

And, like, I think he's gonna break up with me.

Charlotte said that she heard that he's, like, in love with someone else.

Okay, Charlotte doesn't know anything.

Girl's a b*tch.

Whoa! Watch the language, college!

That's nothing.

Wait till they get in the shower.

Look at this drawing that Oliver's older girl did.

See how she drew the mother?

Like a monster.

And they look scared of her.

I have always said that Kelli is too strict with them.

And now this drawing?

Dr. Phil would have a field day with this.

It's just a drawing.

It doesn't mean anything.

I told him to marry Betsy Langston.

She's from a good family. But no.

He had to marry the girl he met while she was peddling Jell-o sh*ts in hot pants at the Husky Hole.

Don't let this thing turn into one of "your things," okay?

Are we done?

Because I want to get back to the babysitter show.

I bet when no one is around to see it, she yells and berates those poor girls.

Kelli's Irish, and they are a fiery people.

Remember that time at the hospital?

We could hear her screaming all the way in the hall.

She was giving birth.

It was tacky.

Hello, hello!

Hello, hello! Hello, hello!

There's my son the doctor.

Hi, Mom.


Dad. Oli.

What's up, bro?

Right here.

Bring it in. Come on.

[ Grunts ]

Hey, did you take that little pill I gave you yet?

No, I didn't. I don't need that.

Kelli and I are all good in that department.

You don't need to need it.

It just makes everything so much better.

Last Saturday night -- three times.

I know, dude. I follow you on Twitter.

Hello, hello, Ricky!

Hello, hello, Claire.

Don't let her get to you.

I just don't know why she doesn't like me.

[ Sighs ] We don't need her approval.

She only acts that way because she thinks her precious sons married beneath them.

I know my Jason did.

I mean, I was lucky I found anybody to marry me.

He was the fourth guy I proposed to, you know.

Thank you so much for watching the boys while we're at the movies.

Your house looks really beautiful, by the way.

Oh, well, thank you, Claire.

And you're looking very nice today, as well.

Is that a new haircut?

It is! I can't believe you noticed.

Thank you.

Jay, check it out. I put in a nanny cam.

Yeah, spying on the babysitter. I like your style.

Tell me, what's going on?

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

That's our babysitter, the blonde one's her friend Maya who thinks her boyfriend is gonna break up with her, and Oliver and I are leaving.

No, no, no. You're gonna miss out.

One of them is gonna start complaining about men, then they're gonna talk about "Who needs boys anymore."

Next thing you know, they're scissoring.

Oh, Dad!

Scissoring is when two women --

Yeah, we got it.

We know.

Jason, can I see you in the kitchen for a minute?

What do you see here?

A shitty drawing.

Oliver's girl did it.


It's still shitty.

Look how she drew the mother -- like a scary ogre.

This is very telling, don't you think?

It doesn't have to mean anything, Mom.

I mean, my kids are always making giant penises out of their Legos, you know?

Am I gonna try and figure out what that means?

God, no. Who has time for that?

I don't.

Keep watching.

Call me if anything bad happens.

Maya: I can't believe I'm gonna get dumped in a Starbucks in front of like a billion people.

I have an idea -- how about Colin comes here, I'll go in the playroom with the girls, and you two can talk privately?

Yo, Oliver, you might want to get back in here.

They just invited the boyfriend over.

What?! No! No boyfriends!

I never said she could invite boyfriends!

No, no, no.

Boyfriends doesn't come here.

Boyfriends comes after the scissoring.

Baby, come on, we're gonna miss all our spa time.

So our babysitter invited a few people over.

Big deal.

What do you want to do, call Child Services?

I don't think you want to involve them, dear.

Honey, I'm calling Lucy right now, and I'm telling her no boyfriends.

And I look like crap.

I shouldn't have worn this stupid shirt.

You can wear my shirt. Let's switch.

Oh, perfect.


Oh, we should switch bras, too.

Switch to the other camera.

I only put in one camera, Dad.

You only put in one camera?

What, are you nuts?

What do you think they're gonna do, take showers in the living room?

Okay, they're gone. Now let's go, Oli.

Kelli, please, we're all right here.

You don't have to yell.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I just -- I'm not leaving until I see and approve of this "boyfriend."

Hello, hello!

All: Hello, hello!


I didn't know you were coming over tonight.

I thought you had a big date.

Oh, I do.

But it's not till 11:00, so I thought I'd do some laundry first.

Hey, what's up with this?

I put in a nanny cam.

Uh, that wasn't there when I house-sat for you a couple weeks ago, was it?

Why, Blake?

You had a party at our house, didn't you?

[ Laughs ]


No, I swear I didn't.

Why, did you find some evidence that I did?


Then no, I didn't.

Wait, so you have two babysitters?


That one's our babysitter -- Lucy.

And that's her friend Maya, who's crying because she thinks her boyfriend's about to dump her.

They almost scissored.

No, they didn't.

Maybe he wants to propose to her instead!

That would make this such a great show!

I feel like I've been in this house before.

You have.

Remember, we went to that hot guy's party --

Guys, spying on the babysitter is wrong.

Hey, boys. What's going on? You doing okay up here?

Yeah, we're doing great, Dad.
Hey, Oliver, what are you doing?


When we were kids, did Mom ever put your drawings on the fridge?

Of course not, man. It ruins the aesthetic.

The aesthetic!

She put one of Emma's drawings up.

I know. I saw it.

It's very upsetting.


My drawings were good!

Hey, boys, if you could stop building penises, that'd be great.


Look what Claire figured out how to do.

That is awesome, baby.

I know.

I'm an important part of this family.

[ Laughs ]

Don't you guys have to leave for the movie?

We're skipping it.

For sure.

We got to see how this ends.

Oh, look, there's Colin!

Is this it? Is this the talk?!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just think we should be able to explore other people and...

Y-you're breaking up with me?


I think we should take a break or whatever.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, poor Maya.

I feel so bad for her.


I can't believe the show ended so sad.

It looks like a kid made it.

Oli's girl drew it. It sucks.

Look how she drew Kelli.

It is kind of disturbing.

Why don't you ask Claire about it?

She's the one studying psychology.

She is?

Why didn't you suggest that?

I don't know what she does.

She goes out, she comes back.

She's like a boomerang with a great rack.

All right! Here it is!

Hey, guys, look at this.

That's good, right?

Would you put this on the fridge?

No. It would ruin the aesthetic.

Hey! Cool rockets!


What's that part do?

[ Stifled laughter ]

Oh, hey, Jase.

Thanks for that pill you gave me, by the way.

You like that, don't you? Did you pop that bad boy?

No, I sold it to an old guy at work for 50 bucks.

He was almost as old as you.

You really want to know what I think?

Of course I do, Claire.


Ricky, I just have to say it means so much to me that you care about my opinion, because sometimes I feel like when I'm talking you get this glazed-over look in your --

Hello. Hey. Yeah. Okay.

It's right there. See? Okay.

Um, all right, I'll -- I'll look at the picture.

Um... All right, based on my almost six weeks of psychology classes, I would say that the girls a-are drawn like they're cowering, like they're scared of the mother figure, 'cause she's like...

So you're saying that she is terrifying my grandchildren with her incessant yelling and general mistreatment?

Um, I w--

I'll take that as a yes.

Now, I want to get everyone together, and I want you to say all of that to Kelli.

What? I-i can't tell her that.

N-- I-I-- you want me to say that?

I -- she's my sister-in-law, and she's almost kind of my friend.

I know that you'll do it, dear...

For me.


I'll do it... Mom.


Honey, we can leave in a second.

I just want to do one quick thing.


You didn't tell your mother I went back to work, did you?

She's been saying weird passive-aggressive things to me all night.

No, of course I didn't.

She says those things to you every night.

Oliver: Wait a second.

Why is the boyfriend still there?

Maya left. Why is he still there?

Maya and I broke up. She left.

Now that it's over with her, we can finally be together.

Holy sh*t.


It was her?

She was the other girl?

I did not see that coming!

This is a really good show!

It's terrible.

I wish we could call down to the front desk and get it removed from our bill.

So Lucy is a slut.

Claire: Yeah, and poor Maya.

Who knew Colin was such a jerk?

I like that guy.

[ Laughs ]


Oh! She can't do it!

She can't betray her friend.

I knew this would have a happy ending.

I'm gonna go lock the playroom door, and we can have sex here on the couch.


No! No sex on the couch! I sit on that couch!

So what? You sit on my couch.

[ All groan ]

Honey, I'm calling her right now.

[ Sighs ] I can't. I'm sorry, Colin.

I love you, I really do, but I can't do this to Maya.

She's my best friend.

W-- I just broke up with her for you.

I know, but maybe in a couple of months.

No! This is over!

I'm done with both of you!

You know, I can't believe the last time I was at this house, at that party, you and I had sex on this table and that box.

Now nothing!

It's like -- I don't get it!

I had a party at your house, guys.

Look, look! There are your girls!

It's okay, Lucy. You'll find another boyfriend.

You're gonna be okay, I promise.

Oh! We have good girls.

It's hard to believe they're so damaged.



I know what you're doing to the girls, Kelli.

You did.

You did tell her I went back to work.

No, I didn't. I promise.

You know what? I'm glad you know.

I'm proud of what I'm doing.

My only regret is that I didn't start doing it when the girls were still babies.

I am shocked.

I thought you would deny it.

Deny it? [ Scoffs ]

I want everyone to know.

And it's good for the girls.

Sure, they cried the first few times I did it, but then they got used to it.

Oliver, I can't believe you stand by and allow this to happen.

Mom, I support it.

And if you saw how happy it makes her, you would, too.

Seriously, it's like she can't stop smiling.

And in the mornings, I get dressed two hours before I need to because I'm so excited.

You have a special outfit for it?

Plus, I get paid good money to do it.


Who in the world would pay you to yell at your children?

Wait, what?

Are we talking about me going back to work?



Wait a second. Mom, what is going on?

I'll show you what's going on.

Claire, tell her what you told me.

[ Sighs ]


This drawing -- it may show a problem.


What is that?!

It stays, Mom.

It certainly does not!

A-are you talking about Emma's drawing?

I don't see a problem.

It's adorable.

As everyone knows, I'm working on my associate degree in psychology.

I didn't know.

It's a silly drawing by a little girl.

It doesn't mean anything.

I'm sorry, Kelli, but this drawing shows the girls scared and cowering.

Based on my extensive studies, I can say that there's indications that whoever drew this has fear and resentment issues with the mother figure.

You think the picture says all that?

I was just as surprised as you.

Oh, this is not gonna end well.

I like it.

There's so many good shows here tonight.

You think my daughters are scared of me?

The writing's on the fridge, Kelli.

Come with me.

[ Telephone ringing ]

Weston residence.

Hi, Lucy. It's Kelli.

Would you please hand the phone to Emma?

It's your mom.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, baby.

Quick question.

Do you remember the drawing we brought with us to your grandparents' house?


Who was that drawing of, honey?

It was of me and Hannah and Grandma Ricky.

Thanks, baby. We'll see you in a few minutes.

Okay. Bye.

Well, I guess you were right, Kelli.

It doesn't mean anything.

Just a silly drawing by a little girl.

Claire, you should think twice before accusing people of things.

Apologize to Kelli.

I'm sorry, Kelli?

Good! All is forgiven.

We won't speak of this again.

Now, who wants cake?

I can't believe your dad called the spa and talked them into staying open late for us.

I don't think it was so much talking them into it as it was paying them into it.

Well, it was really sweet.

Do you really want to put your feet on the Colin sex table?

Aah! I totally forgot about that.

A massage plus getting a rare win over your mother?

Tonight was a good night.

Who doesn't put their son's drawings on the fridge?

I meant for accusing me of abusing our children.

Right. Yes. Of course. That's the big one.

But also my drawing.

I can't believe she actually thought all that horrible stuff about you.

I can't believe we have the same taste in hotel p*rn as your parents.


Do you ever wish you'd married someone else?

Not even once.


[ Telephone ringing ]

[ Sighs ]


Are the babysitters coming back, or can I go to bed?
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