06x06 - Basic Email Security

[bunniefuu]

DEAN PELTON: Dammit! Come on. Oh, Elroy! Elroy, hey. Computer no worky.
ELROY: Please don't do that.
DEAN PELTON: Computer no worky.
ELROY: Did you forget your password again? Pelton, I can't keep track of all the parakeets you had growing up.
DEAN PELTON: This is different. No matter what I do, I get the same error.
ELROY: Which one?
DEAN PELTON: You have been owned by Elite Fleet 69. Our hacks are all up in your systems. I'm not bothering to pronounce them, but there are a lot of z's being used.
ELROY: Oh, crap.
DEAN PELTON: What?
RHONDA: Is there another Mask movie coming out?
ELROY: The school's been hacked.
DEAN PELTON: What? How can we stop it?
ELROY: It's too late, it's happened.
DEAN PELTON: No parlo hablo too late at Greendale Elroy. There's always something that can be done.
ELROY: You know I, I wasn't gonna say anything but. You could cut the hardline at the mainframe.
DEAN PELTON: Hardline. Mainframe. To the mainframe! To the mainframe! Cut the hardline. [TO ELROY] You were being sarcastic?
ELROY: Yeah, but you should look at this.
DEAN PELTON: Cancel your offensive performance. You know the one we mean. We have all your information. If you do not cancel this hateful comedy show, you will taste our power in this way.
ELROY: There's a link.
DEAN PELTON: Oh, don't click it.
ELROY: Oh, what, the green skull will get a virus?
DEAN PELTON: My God. It's the lunch lady's emails. It's all the lunch lady's emails.
ELROY: Which lunch lady? The hot one?
DEAN PELTON: You mean the one who serves the hot food?
ELROY: Mmm, that's the one.

BRITTA: Please tell me you guys aren't sitting there reading the lunch lady's leaked e-mails.
JEFF: No one here could ever do that, not even in shifts, it's decades of data. I'm reading the Greendale Gazette's highlights of the lunch lady's e-mails.
ABED: I found a torrent of all the highlights if you don't want to wait for the ads to load.
FRANKIE: Abed, that's stealing. Those ads are there so the Gazette can pay people to through the lunch lady's email.
ANNIE: Not to get too liberal, but once they're online, does anyone really own the lunch lady's emails?
ELROY: That's why the future of the internet is branded content. WazzleDazzle.com has got five Bacardi cocktails inspired by the lunch lady's most embarrassing secrets.
ALL: Ooh.
BRITTA: You guys are violating her privacy.
CHANG: I’m pretty sure the media's doing that, Britta. We're just reading the news.
DEAN PELTON: The police are here about our computers being hacked.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: Hi, guys. I see a few familiar faces here. A few new ones, as well. No, just gonna keep the cop you've known for for five years at arms length? I get it.
ANNIE: What have you boys been able to figure out?
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: Don't call us boys. And it's a unique case, because it's hard to decide what laws are being broken. Unless you count the lunch lady's s*x life. Thanks, thanks a lot. Anyway, our city does have a cyber-crime division, but it's well, it's pretty new. Any leads? Officer Warburton.
OFFICER WARBURTON: I want McDonald's.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: Wants McDonald's. Some of you probably can't see from where you're sitting. It's literally a child in an adult sized police uniform. It's cute, but it doesn't help our situation.
DEAN PELTON: So what do we make of the demands?
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: Well we were able to find out a little more. This message was posted online and signed “The Hackers”. And we assume it's legit because well, that's just where we're at. “Greendale, cancel the performance of the t*rror1st comedian Gupta Gupty Gupta, who seeks to spread hatred with his hateful comedy.” You guys booked Gupta Gupty Gupta?
DEAN PELTON: $700.
BRITTA: Oh my God, Dean, he's renowned for his r*cist act.
DEAN PELTON: How can he be r*cist? Listen to his name.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: Well, the message says if you don't cancel his performance, what happened to the lunch lady's gonna happen to everyone on the activities committee.
JEFF: Ha. We don't have a... Oh, God, that's us.
[ANNIE GASPS]
DEAN PELTON: So, what do we do?
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: That's up to the school. Though I'm just a cop, born in a small town, raised in the heartland, but I say cancel the performance, and give the government the sweeping powers it needs to detect and eliminate people before they turn into hackers. Think that's all I've got. How's everything otherwise? Stoked for Avengers, Avengers, Avengers, Avengers? I hear Marvel got really hands on this time, they really pinned in Joss Whedon creatively, so how can that go wrong? Okay, see ya.
DEAN PELTON: I guess I'm gonna call a press conference and announce the comedy is cancelled.
BRITTA: Wait, hold on.
JEFF: What's that?
BRITTA: Do your thing, inspire them.
JEFF: To do what?
BRITTA: To rise to the occasion. To not let these hackers push us around. Don't you guys think that we have an obligation here?
ANNIE: The cop says no.
BRITTA: Well the cops say that your car trunk has something to do with 9/11. They're not philosophers, they're crossing guards with g*ns. This is on us as a committee. The eyes of the world...
JEFF: Are within hundreds of miles of this room.
BRITTA: Okay, how about the eyes of something bigger?
JEFF: Aren't you an atheist? Don't you hate this government? Are you even planning on going to see this comic?
BRITTA: Yes, pretty much and of course not, I was planning to protest him. But I can't believe I'm the one saying this. For God sakes, we're freaking Americans. We're talking about freedom of speech, it's the amendment so important it's literally the first one they remembered to add.
ELROY: For white people.
FRANKIE: With penises.
JEFF: We prefer to be called people without color or vaginas.
BRITTA: Look, I know some things have gotten too simple and other things have gotten too complicated, but we still have a legacy and a job in this country. We're the colony so high maintenance the British gave up. We're so obnoxious the French sent us a statue. Nobody tells us to shut up. And yes, I know that our wealth is no longer distributed, and yes, our democracy has been h*jacked and turned into a puppet show about two fake parties that are controlled by a cartel of monopolies, and yes, if our votes had any real power they'd be illegal.
ANNIE: Britta! Freedom of speech acknowledged. Trust us.
BRITTA: Cancel the show and you cancel people. Might as well bring dinosaurs back.
ABED: What? Let her finish.
DEAN PELTON: Britta, you saw what they did to the lunch lady. You wanna guess how much better my emails are? You want me to call a press conference and say, now do me?
BRITTA: No, I'll do it. Let them leak me.
ANNIE: I'm not letting you do this alone.
FRANKIE: Screw it. I'm in.
ABED: Someone has to be the last to stand up, and now that someone isn't me.
CHANG: I kinda zoned out and assume we're standing to go see Avengers.
ELROY: These guys are giving hackers a bad name. And hacker is already such a dumb name.
JEFF: I’m not an idealist, I'm a pragmatist. And it's never pragmatic to piss you guys off. So, fine.
DEAN PELTON: You guys. This is so inspiring. I guess, just let me know how it goes. No matter what happens I'm with you, but don't tell anyone I'm with you. If you do, I'll deny it, but I'm with you here and now. Not literally here and now, right now I'm leaving, but I will always have been with you secretly. Bye.

BRITTA: The performance by Gupta Gupty Gupta will go on as scheduled tomorrow night, and we encourage anyone who believes in freedom to attend Mr. Gupta's performance. Although, as a woman, and someone with many Jewish and black friends, I will be deeply offended. I'm petitioning to have Mr. Gupta banned from all campuses across America. But, one thing at a time. First, freedom of speech does not just apply to speech you want to hear.
JEFF: Case in point, am I right? Definitely get my good side, right here. Mm. Oh, I'm being censored! I'm being censored!
ELROY: Anyway, there's coffee and scotch in the corner. Screw the hackers and long live Greendale! Yeah. All right, I'll see you guys at sound check in the cafeteria tomorrow.
FRANKIE: And there is a good chance that we are going to be targeted, so nobody gets on the internet tonight. What do we say?
CHANG & ABED: No peeking at the leaking.
FRANKIE: Promise, promise, promise? Okay.
BRITTA: Jeff.
JEFF: Mm.
BRITTA: Thank you for backing me up, a little. Well, you turned into the path of least resistance.
BRITTA: Deflect all you want, but you're putting your ass one the line for an ideal.
JEFF: Well, maybe a fraction of a butt cheek on the line. It's not like I used that stupid Greendale email for anything but p0rn subscriptions and improv show mailing lists.
ELROY: What makes you think it's only your Greendale email they'll be leaking?
JEFF: Because they hacked Greendale.
ELROY: Do you have a computer in your office?
JEFF: Yes.
ELROY: Do you check your emails on that computer?
JEFF: Uh-huh.
ELEOY: You look at boobies on it?
JEFF: One time.
ELROY: They got it. They got everything. It's Vietnam now, baby. It's Vietnam!
BRITTA: Anyways, like I said, thanks.

BRITTA: Hello.
ANNIE: Hello.
FRANKIE: Girls.
ANNIE: Frankie.
BRITTA: Francesca.
FRANKIE: Word around school is our emails have been leaked.
BRITTA: Is that so?
ANNIE: Oh, the first you've heard of it?
BRITTA: I guess I heard some rumblings.
ANNIE: Hm, rumblings.
FRANKIE: Hm.
BRITTA: Hm.
ANNIE: Hello, Jeff.
BRITTA: Hello, Jeff.
FRANKIE: Jeff Winger.
JEFF: Annie. Britta. Frankie.
ABED: I hear the hackers leaked our emails.
ANNIE: Yeah. Something like that.
ABED: Should we help set up chairs?
ANNIE: Sure.
JEFF: Something was wrong with that one. Bad chair.
ELROY: Hi, how's everybody doing? I asked a damn question. Fine. Fine.
ABED: New look?
ELROY: I’m glad you like it. I'd hate to think my wardrobe wasn't passing muster with this group. So here I am in a brand new outfit with an up-to-the-minute shirt.
ABED: Okay. I'm not usually the best at non-verbal cues, so I have to ask, is it possible that everyone here but me read all of each other's leaked emails? No. Absolutely not. It's possible.
CHANG: I read it all. I read all your crap. I have read everything you guys have ever wrote about me in an email. And you guys are the worst people in the world. Screw you guys. Not cool. Mean, mean, mean.
ELROY: Point it at me and I will eat it!
CHANG: What?
ELROY: I will bite your little finger off and I will eat it! Then, let's see you type more descriptions of my Houseguest-era Sinbad wardrobe.
CHANG: Ah-ha. That's a direct quote from a really mean email I wrote about him. So now who's the bad guy?
ABED: Okay. How much of the leak did each of you read? I have a right to fit in! Okay, stop it! Stop it! Why don't we all just admit that we... I'm not admitting it. Oh, Annie, get over it. Come on.
ANNIE: You had my blood tested for amphetamines?
JEFF: You were extra jumpy last spring. We had to double check to be safe.
ANNIE: I don't think I'm jumpy enough if my friends can steal my blood.
BRITTA: Oh, you gave it to us.
ANNIE: For that human genome project?
ABED: We only used half of it for that. By the way, you're one percent Neanderthal.
CHANG: Ew.
ANNIE: How can you judge anyone, light switch licker?
CHANG: Like this, ew.
BRITTA: You guys hear that sound? That is the sound of the hackers winning. Our school's out there right now, pawing through our dirty laundry, laughing at us, waiting to see what we're gonna do, waiting to see who wins in the battle between terror and cool. We got to be cool, man. We got to be cool. And set up for a show.
ANNIE: Abed, if you wouldn't mind please checking the sound system.
ABED: No problem.
ANNIE: Unless you're too busy telling your girlfriend I don't understand Donnie Darko.
JEFF: Annie.
ANNIE: I’m cool.
FRANKIE: I'll set up the box office. Oh, or will me opening a box office unfairly influence wagers in your betting pool about my sexual preference?
BRITTA: We saw this one coming, and we are so sorry.
FRANKIE: Oh, that cuts it. The word sorry fills that crater right to the brim, yeah.
JEFF: Oh, boo hoo. Your friends are curious about your night life. We kept it among friends. You told human resources I was a functional alcoholic.
FRANKIE: I am required to file a report on every teacher, and if you throw another tantrum I will revise yours.
JEFF: To what? Non-lethal m*rder*r? Armless javelin thrower? What in your unqualified, buzzword-bloated, little red school house of a brain is a functional alcoholic?
FRANKIE: What in your brain is a chapstick lesbian?
JEFF: To me, 300 bucks. Unless you care to refute it.
FRANKIE: My sexuality is of zero concern to my job and to everyone here. I swear, if you people were trapped on a tiger-infested island with no food or water, you would judge every ship that came to save you.
ANNIE: How do the tigers survive without food or water?
FRANKIE: Oh, it's not cute, Annie. And I read your entry in the pool. Was your goal to win or just be disgusting?
ANNIE: I had to pick last!
CHANG: Yeah, well, we all read about ourselves in your weirdly long, melodramatic emails to your sister, who you might notice never responds. Take a hint.
FRANKIE: She's dead. I pretend to write her emails as a journaling device. You wretched, evasive little gremlin.
BRITTA: Okay, why don't we just call that rock bottom.
ABED: Check one, check two. Check one, check two. Well, well, well, it looks like Jeff Winger auto-paid his car insurance and Annie's book club has a meeting tomorrow. Where do you guys find the bad stuff?
ELROY: Maybe, maybe what we all need to do here is have everyone in the room address and own one thing that they know is out there. No blame, no shame. Just an explanation. I'll start. Now, I'm sure by now, you've all seen the emails between me and the Patterson family of Herndon, Virginia.
JEFF: Not me.
CHANG: No.
ELROY: I received their first letter as part of a family email chain, Christmas of 2007.
ANNIE: I don't think you owe us-
ELROY: Although, I, I didn't understand why they'd written me. I responded politely. When I realized they had somehow mistaken me for their cousin. For some reason, I suppose it was loneliness, I simply failed to disabuse them of that notion.
BRITTA: Well, that's...
ELROY: I’ve come to love Barb and George, and Gelson and Riselle. And even Uncle Paul with all his flaws. And even though our relationship is based on a lie, for me it's. One of the realest, I'll ever know.
FRANKIE: Mm. I hope you don't think by explaining that, you're off the hook for the 3D models you've been making of our bodies without our permission.
ANNIE: That's what those photos were for?
ELROY: I'm making a game about lady time travelers.
CHANG: Where, in your pants?
JEFF: That's pretty creepy, Elroy.
ELROY: Oh, you guys are so suave. You're such gentlemen. You and Chang have a daily email chain ranking Annie and Britta one and two.
JEFF: By which you mean, Chang emails me rankings every day and I don't respond.
BRITTA: Except for February 7th, 2013. “Chang, Britta is one, Annie is two. Jeff, ha, yeah.”
ANNIE: Jeff, gross. And Britta, way to instantly memorize the exact date of your big victory.
CHANG: Hey, silver and gold, ladies, ain't no losers there.
FRANKIE: Okay, I think we're losing sight of what's important.
ELROY: Says the woman suing her father for $80.
FRANKIE: Tell it to your fake family. Have you made any creepy boob models of Giselle yet?
ELROY: Riselle is like a daughter to me.
ANNIE: But arguably more like a daughter to her parents.
JEFF: Didn't you have your own family?
ELROY: Oh, go write an astronaut.
[CHANG LAUGHS]
ELROY: Oh, did anyone see Jeff's letters? He writes to astronauts. Talk about creepy.
JEFF: They're national heroes!
ELROY: Yes, they are! Leave them alone.
BRITTA: Ooh, this I gotta see.
ELROY: You know, what I don't want to see? Your exchanges with your life coach about the study group when we were dating. Oh, and by the way, clearly, not a life coach, and absolutely, just an Italian sociopath you met at a dispensary.
FRANKIE: You two dated?
ELROY: This was a study group?
ABED: Yeah, Chang was our teacher.
FRANKIE & ELROY: What?
CHANG: That's right, and frankly, haven't been well utilized since.
BRITTA: “Dear Reid Wiseman, congratulations on your successful return to Earth”...
ANNIE: Lady time travelers?
JEFF: “Hey, Emilio, I tried what you said about … do you have any more advice?
BRITTA: Dear Neil Armstrong, I love you more than my dad. I would die if you gave me a hug.
DEAN PELTON: Hey, guys?
ALL: What?!
DEAN PELTON: This is Gupta Gupty Gupta.
BRITTA: Yeah, hi. Fine, whatever. Congratulations.
GUPTA GUPTY GUPTA: You guys okay?
JEFF: To tell you the truth, Gupta Gupty, we've been through a bit of a rough patch.
GUPTA GUPTY GUPTA: Yeah, the dean was telling me about it and I've been reading about it.
ANNIE: Hope you were entertained.
GUPTA GUPTY GUPTA: To be honest, I'm really grateful. This is the first school in six months that hasn't canceled, so thanks. I'm gonna go get ready. We really did the right thing didn't we?
BRITTA: Yeah. It doesn't matter what we read in the leaks or what we said to each other tonight. What matters is that right now here on this campus, the people are in charge. Not the hackers. Not the media, not the cops, the people. Abed, go put on some music. Elroy, Jeff, put out some more chairs. Annie, get ready to introduce our star. Chang, go talk to yourself in the corner. Frankie, let the people in.
NEIL: Hey.
FRANKIE: Hi.
ELROY: Hey.
BRITTA: Hey, Neil.
DEAN PELTON: Hey.
GUPTA GUPTY GUPTA: That's the whole audience?
ANNIE: I…
GUPTA GUPTY GUPTA: I can't do a show for one person.
ANNIE: Well, you kinda have to.
GUPTA GUPTY GUPTA: But I'd rather not.
ANNIE: Well, you have to, jackass, because there's more at stake here than what you'd rather do.
DEAN PELTON: Oh, God. There's a new message from the hackers. Everyone, quiet down! Abed, cut the music. “People of Greendale, your activities committee has defied our demands, and the horrible r*cist comedian is still about to perform.”
BRITTA: Yeah, that's right. We b*at you.
DEAN PELTON: “If this performance goes on as scheduled, all of your information will be published. If you do not want this to happen, you will find a way to stop this performance.”
DEAN PELTON: Whoa! Stop, stop, hey!
JEFF: Sit down, Neil!
NEIL: You can stop me, but you can't stop the people from stopping this show.
ANNIE: Shhhh. You hear that?
BRITTA: My God! It's the people coming to stop the show.
DEAN PELTON: Now what do we do?
BRITTA: We have to stop the people. Their freedom of speech depends on it. Frankie, Chang, bar the doors. Annie, introduce him, quick!
GUPTA GUPTY GUPTA: I don't wanna do this.
BRITTA: Listen, you piece of crap, we've been to hell and back for you. Get up there and do your stupid act for freedom.
GUPTA GUPTY GUPTA: Okay, okay.
ANNIE: Ladies and gentlemen, he's performed at colleges and clubs all over. Gupta Gupty Gupta!
GUPTA GUPTY GUPTA: Hey, y'all. Look, I see there's a lot of Jews in the crowd. I mean, you know, there isn't, but usually when I do my act, there's more. But, you know, I have a whole Jew thing.
ANNIE: Do it!
GUPTA GUPTY GUPTA: Okay, okay. Who is this guy?
NEIL: Stop performing!
ANNIE: Do not stop performing!
GUPTA GUPTY GUPTA: Okay, this guy. Look at him. It looks like he ate so much. He's very fat.
NEIL: Don't do this to me.
JEFF: Shut up and listen.
GUPTA GUPTY GUPTA: I see that you're fat, but are you also black or Jewish? You know, it's hard to be fat when you're black or Jewish because when you're black, your community steals all your food, so you can't eat as much. And when you're Jewish, nobody ever buys anything, so you can't eat as much. You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.
DEAN PELTON: Oh, dear God. The bastards did it. They leaked the entire school's data.
GUPTA GUPTY GUPTA: Oh, okay. So hey, fat guy in the audience. Have you found anyone else you could love, like another fat person? Or, are you one of those fat people who will always be alone?

GARRETT: Hey, Leonard, you enjoy my girlfriend in 2009?
LEONARD: As much as she enjoyed your plagiarized poetry.
GARRETT: I will k*ll you.
UNKNOWN MAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
GARRETT: Don't act like you care about me. I've seen all of your cartoons about me. I am this school's worst nightmare! I am a Garrett with no soul to steal!
JEFF: Man, it's like Road Warrior out there, but if petrol were privacy and bad teeth were dirty secrets.
ABED: Good news! Neil's talking to us again. He says he respects our moral position, but not our execution. Also, he says he's never talking to us again.
ANNIE: I don't see how we can bounce back from this one.
ELROY: This one?
ABED: Yeah. If you follow a theme of revealed secrets, the email hack is the third installment of a trilogy that began with Annie losing a pen, in what I've come to call the Golden Age.
FRANKIE: I'm guessing the second chapter would be when your best friend vanished on a mysterious boat trip after the older one masturbated himself to death?
ABED: Yeah.
FRANKIE: If that's one you guys bounced back from, we might be okay.
CHANG: What's the lesson here? I always wanna make sure I know what the lesson is. I'm a completist.
BRITTA: The rest of the school's in shambles, so maybe we're more evolved and forgiving than them.
CHANG: We already know that, stupid.
JEFF: I feel more desensitized to jokes about Jews and blacks. Is that good?
ANNIE: Say what?
ELROY: Eh…
ABED: We know the pieces of our privacy, freedom of speech, terrorism, and government. So, the lesson is probably an ironic pairing, like one man's privacy is another man's freedom.
BRITTA: Government is terrorism.
ELROY: The only free speech is private speech.
FRANKIE: A free government terrorizes privacy. That's all four, b*tches.
ANNIE: Terror is terrorized by...
JEFF: Terry the t*rror1st?
CHANG: Tarry not, for terrorism terrifies.
ANNIE: Govern the government.
CHANG: Freedom of speech.
JEFF: How about terrorism?
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: We caught the hacker. This is Ryan, AKA StringCheeseHustler, AKA Fartmitzvah, Skullandboners88, Frozensucked, Captaintitty. You don't need to know all his names. He lives across the street from the campus, and he's got something he wants to say. Don't you?
RYAN: I'm sorry.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: For what? For guessing your school master password was changeme.
ELROY: Oops.
RYAN: How do you sleep at night, Warburton? You were one of us. You were free.
WARBURTON: No one's free when they're one of anything. And to answer your question, I sleep alone with one eye open. That's why I'm not the one in cuffs.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: Let's go, Fartmitzvah.
JEFF: Crime doesn't pay.
ALL: Crime doesn't pay.
ELROY: I'm sorry if I used photography to digitally approximate some of your naked bodies.
ANNIE: It's all right.
ELROY: It is?
ANNIE: No!
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: Anything?
OFFICER WARBURTON: Same as yesterday. Big cloud of data raining over a pasture. All 8 billion sheep keep grazing.
OFFICER WARBURTON: Is that good?
OFFICER WARBURTON: Sure.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: The thing you said back there about not being a part of anything. Is that really how you feel?
OFFICER WARBURTON: It's not a question of how I feel. I feel like flying. I don't jump off buildings.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: Do you believe in God, Warburton?
OFFICER WARBURTON: You know, there's no rule that says we have to be friends, right?
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: How about common courtesy? Familiar with that rule?
OFFICER WARBURTON: The words common and courtesy have opposite values. Common courtesy is just gibberish, hocus pocus, a spell we cast when hoping to cheat reality.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: You're a cynical son of a bitch. I'll give you that. You know, my wife, she makes these dream catchers.
OFFICER WARBURTON: Shut the hell up. How fast can you get us to the mainframe hardline?