01x04 - Flight Risk

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "One Big Happy". Aired March - April 2015.
"One Big Happy" is about a gay woman who decided to have a baby with her straight best friend, and her best friend is in love with another woman.
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01x04 - Flight Risk

Post by bunniefuu »

Good news... my morning sickness is finally over!

Even better news... I had a great dream about me and Beyoncé.

Prudence, I see you two are still married.

Yeah... and they said it wouldn't last.

And by "they," I mean you.


Care for some toast with gooseberry jam?

Keep it together.

Because when you gag, I gag.

I got it, rock-solid.

It's quite tasty, although it does look like phlegm on toast.

Here we go.


I can't.

Oh, you gotta stop.

No, you stop.

Why did you say phlegm?

You gotta stop.

Get it outta here!

Put it away!


Yeah, we might need to take a break on the weird British breakfast food, at least until the baby is born... and grows up... and moves out.

I'm so sorry.

I'll eat it in the other room.

I'm guessing I should also take this blood sausage.

(both retching)

Stop it!




♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪♪

These ginger lollipops you got me are really helping with the morning sickness.

And look what I can do...

Where do you think your mouth is?

I can't wait to go to the farmers' market and show off my sweet, new ride!

Ooh, Mama means business.


Ohh, I love that new cart smell.

We should get moving... it's purple cauliflower season, and it's gonna be a madhouse down there!

Prudence: Look!

Lizzy, it's happening!

Oh, just use the plunger. It's a low-flow toilet.

Five squares max.

No! The whales, they're mating in the bay.

Ew, don't call it that.

No, actual humpback whales are mating in Santa Monica Bay.

Look, if we hurry, we can kayak out there and watch.

Well, not too close, or you become part of the action.

Anyway, we already have plans.

It's the third Sunday of the month, if you know what I mean.

I'm not allowed in a Catholic church, if that's your plan.

No, it's Sunday Funday.

We go to our favorite farmers' market, the one in Hollywood.

Suck it, Studio City!

Prudence: Oh!

Last time I was at a farmers' market was in Thailand, and I was accused of smuggling melons.

Oh, there's drama at this farmers' market, too.

Irv, the muffin guy, is Jewish, but his wife is not.

It's just I've been craving a bit of adventure lately.

Okay, okay, well, the, uh, only room we haven't done it in is Lizzy's.

Yes, you have.

And I wasn't sleeping.

No, what I mean is I've just been feeling a bit restless.

I mean, this is the longest I've stayed in one place since I was a volunteer in Morocco, reforming pickpocket monkeys.

Wow, you've lived an adventurous life.

I can't compete with monkeys, unless it's sports trivia.

They suck at sports trivia.

Hey, you and I have had some pretty legendary adventures before old melon smuggler here showed up.

What about our last road trip?

Did you rent a camper van and just h*t the open road, going where the wind takes you?

Close... we rented a minivan and we drove down to San Diego to clean out my aunt's apartment.


And she had a lot of cats, and they had attitude.


Look, the point is, if you're looking for adventure, today is your lucky day.

How do I know? 'Cause it's Sunday, and that's the only day that rhymes with "Funday"!

Except for Monday.

Just leave the naming of the days to me.

Sunday Funday, bitches!

Not you guys.

♪♪ (gentle guitar music)


All right!

Don't worry, they're not finished.

They're just taking a five-minute chai break.

We always stop and give Grains N' Roses some love.

I've never seen anybody grind to easy listening before.

Wow... kind of a scene down here.

Purple cauliflower brings all the boys to the yard.

Yeah... and that bus of seniors.

Oh, just wait.

We haven't even gotten into the lettuces yet.

This is just the tip... yep, I'm gonna say it... of the "iceberg," heh.

While you two are giggling over nut butters...

I picked up a local paper.

Oh, that paper just has ads for medical marijuana and dirty massages.

It's my favorite paper.

And look at the cover story.

"The Thrill-seekers Guide to L.A."

This is exactly what I've been looking for!

Look, doesn't this sound fun?

"Skydiving in Death Valley."


Called that for a reason.

"Climb in the Hollywood Sign at Night."


If you wanna get m*rder.

Ooh! "Wingsuiting in Malibu."

I mean...

That's a closed casket.

Oh, look! There's a pub close by where you can have a drink and play with snakes.

Look, if we hurry, we can catch the 2:00 feeding.

That actually sounds kinda fun.

Oh, please, you don't even like snakes.

Well, maybe 'cause I never play with them while drinking.

Enough, Luke, I mean this is Sunday Funday.

The line for the olive oil tasting is getting longer.

He's gonna run out of ciabatta!

Have you ever flipped a snake on its back and tickled its belly?

They actually laugh.

Dude, come on.

Babe, let's go.




So, this is my life now.

I'm stuck between two women, and it's not the romp some amateur filmmakers would have you believe.

I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told my cousin Chuck last week.

Your problem is you got two wives.

Marcus, Lizzy is not my wife.

Text her you're not coming home for dinner.

Can't do that... would've needed to call her before 5:00.

Look, a month ago, you only had to worry about keeping Lizzy happy.

And now, you have Prudence, who I'm guessing makes you happy in a way a lesbian friend can't.

Technically, lesbians can... they just don't want to.

I'm just saying Prudence wants to try new things, so you might wanna get on board with her before she gets bored with you.

You think she's gonna get bored with me?

I'm bored with you.

We never do anything!

It's just work, work, work.

Because this is where we work.

My point is... one of these days, surprise me.

Dinner goes a long way.

To sum it up, if Prudence wasn't so obsessed with her thrill-seeking, Luke and I would've had a classic Sunday Funday, and I wouldn't be stuck eating store-bought baby carrots like a common whore.

Hey, a little parenting tip: if you ever need to put that baby to sleep, tell this farmers' market story.

Okay, I dropped off the princess castle in the backyard for the next time you babysit Georgie.

And it's kinda windy out there, and I didn't have the proper tools, so... wouldn't be surprised if the whole thing fell apart.

(forced laugh)

Wait, Sissy, why are you guys leaving a play castle here?

You don't even have one for her at your place.

We want your house to be fun for her.

Especially this summer when we go to Burning Man.

Oh, by the way, you're watching her this summer when we go to Burning Man.

Of course.

I hope I didn't miss the rest of that great farmers' market story.

She's still going.


And the other thing is, he introduced me to this farmers' market.

I was all Studio City, all the time!

Relax, Sissy. You're not losing Luke.

I'm sure his judgment's all clouded.

British people do some funky things in bed.

(forced laugh) I've heard.

Don't worry about it.

Luke's not gonna turn into a different person.

I know, you're right.

Oh, my God. Who are you?

Kinda looks like a gay superhero.

Truth, justice, and the American "Heeey!"

Please tell me you're not jumping out of an airplane.

Planes are dangerous.

I'm jumping off a cliff.

I'm doing that wingsuiting thing from Prudence's list.

Is there a parachute?

I think so.

How do you land?

Not sure.

Well, that's not gonna end well.

I've seen you sprain your ankle watching the Olympics.

Relax, I don't actually soar off a cliff for a couple weeks.

It's so dangerous they make you practice in a wind tunnel with padded walls.

Have you looked at yourself?

'Cause you could skip right to the padded walls.

Let's go... Georgie's waiting in the car with the air conditioning on.

Relax, America.

(laughing) Dude, you're gonna die.

Oh, my God, I can't believe you're even considering doing this, especially since you're about to be a father.

Yeah, but I'm also a husband to Prudence.

I made a vow: "Till death do us part."

That doesn't mean today!

Okay, if Prudence jumped off a bridge, would you?

We're actually doing that next week.

What's wrong with you?!


I... just wanna change things up a little.

I've worked at a bowling alley my whole life.

The most exotic thing I've ever done was sleep with a half-Asian girl in Fresno.

You slept with Chang Ming Robinson?

Not important, but, yes, twice.

Listen, Luke, there are other ways to expand your horizons, okay?

Your library card is just sitting in your drawer.

I got news for you... going to the library, not on the list.

Not even the one downtown?

You have to go through a metal detector.

Look, you already got Prudence to marry you.

What are you trying to prove?

I'm trying to keep her.



I just don't want her to get bored with me.

Bored with you?

Yeah. You've seen the life she's lived.

She's done everything, and she's been everywhere.

You know when she's really gonna get bored?

When you're d*ad!

Oh, don't be so dramatic!

Are you seriously gonna do this?

Yeah! Today I train, tomorrow, I taste the clouds.
It's time to fly, baby!

Luke! Lizzy!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

And somehow that's flattering on you.

Is he gonna be all right?

Well, he has a slight concussion, he dislocated his shoulder, and we had to put him under to reset it.

Well... we didn't have to, but it's hard to watch a grown man cry.

I'm gonna need some more information from him.

Oh! Yes...

Here is his insurance card, and a number to his primary doctor, and an adorable picture of him as a baby.

(baby talk) Oh, hello...

So, you're the wife?

Oh, no, I'm his wife.

Yeah, I'm his lesbian best friend.

She's having his baby.

We all live together.

Now I can see why he tried to k*ll himself.

Okay, uh, date of birth.

Um... I believe he was a winter baby.

It's June 19th.

That's winter in Australia.

Does he have any allergies?

He gets a little "handsy" on tequila.

He can't have penicillin, and he can't eat mushrooms, which he says is an allergy, but he just doesn't like them.

You know what, I'm just gonna move my pen around, make you think I wrote that last part down.

Look, Prudence, I've got this if you wanna go home and change out of your hot air balloon.

No, that's all right, I think Luke would want to see his wife when he wakes up.


See? He agrees with me.

No, that's the noise he makes when he's in pain.

He's uncomfortable. He needs to be propped up.

Well, I sleep with him every night, and he prefers to be flat on his back.

Maybe if you're on top of him.

But I know that he's prone to dry throat because I was there for his emergency adenoid surgery during spring break, and try finding a doctor who does anything but breast implants in Tampa.

Well, you may have known him longer, but according to the state of Nevada and the former prost*tute who married us, I'm legally his wife.

Yeah, a wife who doesn't know her husband's birthday!

Well, I know his favorite "Star Wars" is "Empire Strikes Back."

Oh, that's everybody's favorite!

Lizzy, give it to me!

No, you give it to me!

Lizzy, you've got to hand over the reins to Luke at some point!

It's my job to look after him now.

Oh, really? Well, great job looking after him, Prudence, because, if it wasn't for you, he wouldn't be lying unconscious in a hospital bed, trying to impress you!

That's not true.

Yes, it is!

He doesn't wingsuit, and he's never skydived or dove or "doven" or however you skydive in the past!

He was just trying to prove to you that he's adventurous.

But he is adventurous.

I mean, sexually, we do...

That's not what I'm talking about!

Look, he just was going along with what you wanted to do because he was scared that you were gonna get bored with him.



You coming?


Of course, when no one's here.

So, I just completed my first solo trip to the bathroom, so I guess we're all pretty happy about that.

Now that you're okay, I think I can say we both got something out of this.

You got to fly, and I got to be right... which, for me, is like flying.

Luke, I made you my mum's famous vegetable soup recipe.

It's just water and a carrot.

We didn't have much growing up.

But there's plenty of love in there.

But the main ingredient is water.

Who are you?

I'm Prudence.

I'm your wife.

I'm kidding! (laughing)



A little post-concussion humor.

You should've been there when Lizzy mentioned the baby, and I said, "We went through with that?"

(both laughing)

Yeah, but it's so much funnier when he does it to you.

Anyway, I was thinking, once my ribs fuse back... we can start checking stuff off your list again.

Or we could try another list.

Look at this...

"Ten Best Places to Sit Quietly Around the City."

Apparently, there's a dry patch of grass downtown that's a must-try.

Why are you reading "AARP" magazine?

Hey, that's mine.

There was a Lily Tomlin cover story.

I'm sorry, "a dry patch of grass?"

What's going on?


It's just that I've had plenty of adventure.

Maybe it's time to calm things down.

Learn Sudoku... or watch "NCIS."

But that's not you.

Well, it turns out wingsuiting isn't really you.

What are you talking about?

I mean, sure, I had a little accident, and it hurts when I breathe, talk, and pee... but it doesn't mean I wanna stop trying new things.

Well, then why are you worried that I'm gonna get bored with you?

Who said I was worried about you getting bored with me?

You told her that?

Because you told her that.

And the question is, why couldn't you tell me?

No, Prudence, wait. Let me explain!

What did you do?!

Luke and Lizzy: Prudence!

I can't believe you told Prudence I was scared she was gonna get bored with me.

Did you also show her pictures of me from the summer I was fat and had frosted tips?

No! There's no coming back from that.

What did you want me to do?

You were jumping through very dangerous hoops, trying to be someone you're not.

Lizzy, I'm not a different person.

I was just trying to break the mold a little.

But I like our mold.

It's shaped like us.

Well, now we have to fit Prudence inside us.

Or a different way of saying that.

But I get it, it's not just the two of us anymore.

I feel bad.

I shouldn't have told her your accident was her fault.

I should've just told her what I told you.

And when we find her, we should tell her that.

You just did.


I get it... you're British, so when you're upset, you find the nearest castle.

No, when we're upset, we drink and don't let it show.

Until we really let it show.

Baby, I didn't mean to get you upset.

I just wanted you to think I'm awesome.

And I guess I'm just used to talking to Lizzy about everything.


Even that thing we did last night with the...

Not that.

He did not tell me that.

I just can't help feeling that none of this would've happened if I knew you like she does.

She's had a 30-year head start.

Which is why it's a little tough for me to share him sometimes.

Most times.

All the times!

You have to know I'd never want you to get hurt because of me.

Well, unless you were asking for it, like a slappy bedroom kind of situation.

I thought you guys were clapping in there, and that bothered me.

No, last night was actual clapping.

I did a really good job.

I really do love you... and you can tell me anything.

I know... and I love you.

"I love you."

(mocking voice) "I love you, too."

And I guess it's kinda good to have a thrill-seeker around, 'cause it's certainly not us!

You're bigger risk-takers than you're giving yourselves credit for.

Are you talking about my cardigan?

'Cause I wasn't sure about it.

No, I'm talking about the fact you're having a baby together.

It's quite brave.

You're creating your own definition of family.

both: Thanks.

So you think the cardigan's crazy.

It's not my favorite.

Shut up.


Wow... climbing up to the Hollywood Sign was a really good idea, Lizzy.

I can't believe I did something off the scary list.

Feels good to be bad.


Know what else feels good?

Doing that hike up here with bruised ribs.

Couldn't have waited two, three days?

Oh, poor baby.

I'll help you get back on your feet.

Don't you mean "back on my back"?




You make it so hard to root for you two.

You know, if you look really, really close, you can just make out the tents of the farmers' market.

(camera clicking)


I can't believe in 30 years we've never done this.

Look at us... this is our first real adventure together.

Yeah, it is.

Especially since it's illegal.

(laughing) Yeah.

Wait, what?!

(police siren)

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