01x02 - Getting To Know You

[bunniefuu]

Everybody fudged up?

Beautiful.

Let's get going.

Morning guys.

Welcome back to space.

Also apologies to Chad for leaving him below deck for the universe switch.

Our bad bro.

Hey it's all good bro.

Okay cool.

Now let's kick things off with a little security rundown from our newly rehired second in command.

Please be nice. She's trying.

Karen Lipinski.

Hi everybody.

Sorry about yesterday's coup attempt.

Let's talk security.

By my calculations we're facing at least six types of serious existential risks.

Semi-serious, it ain't no thang.

The first risk is the most obvious.

Future att*cks from whatever it was that came yesterday.

We don't know what it was, where it came from, or how to combat it if it shows up again.

The second risk is malnutrition.

According to my calculations an all fudge diet will lead to death within a matter of weeks.

Won't happen, but even if it does, what a way to go.

According to my calculations it would be dreadful.

Okay.

Rampant sores, hallucinations, in a last ditch attempt to survive your body would try and start to digest its teeth.

Oh God. Excuse us for a second.

I think we are pretty heavy on the bad news right now.

So maybe just sprinkle in some positive, a spoonful of sugar and such.

Based on my fudge research, a spoonful of sugar would be like dropping a dirty b*mb in your liver.

Maybe a little less dark for the crew, please?

Okay. Thank you.

Okay, I understand.

Thanks.

Okay.

We's back, son.

Hey, so these other three risk categories are dumb.

Possible loss of hull integrity, risk of unknown pathogens.

What's that?

And our collective lack of training.

Whatever.

Now, who wants to watch a video.

Me.

I'd love to watch a video.

If you're watching this video, you entered into a know when fatal predicament.

What should you do?

Let's go over some helpful tips.

Part one, cauterizing useless limbs.

This standard issue cauterizer cuts through flesh, muscle, and bone.

Are you guys done with this fudge?

S01E02
Getting To Know You

Hey Tinas.

Oh, hey.

What are you watching?

A montage of gifts that Ted's given me.

I know the music's sappy but I like it.

Yeah, you do, huh?

Anyhoo.

I was wondering, if you've put together like beta schematic of all the nearby systems we talked about, kind of your job.

Yeah, you know, I started to.

You did?

And then I was like, what's the point?

Our survival.

Yeah but,.

Yeah. But it is kind of like Karen said, we're just gonna die anyway.

So you, checked the heat panels for asymmetry right?

No, actually I have been writing a goodbye letter to my parents.

I think it is sweet that you miss your parents.

But, you know there's no way for us to get messages home so your letter is worthless.

Why don't you take all that energy and channel it into a good solid triple check of those heat panels.

'Kay?

I'm just saying it might not be the worst thing to go easier on people.

Look we are in an alternate dimension Stuart.

We're not going to solve that with a God damn pizza party.

At the risk of starting this fight yet again, you have never been to a full fledged pizza party before so you have no idea how transformative they can be.

Look it is not my job to keep these people happy, okay?

It is my job to keep them alive.

It's a lot harder to keep people alive if they're too bummed out to work.

Besides, you seem pretty confident of what your job is considering I just had to give it back to you eight hours ago.

Oh, yeah.

Why don't I just listen to the guy who's been captain for a whole 13 hours.

There we go.

Thank you.

I appreciate all the hard work that all of you have been doing.

But I thought we should talk.

You guys, this is a crazy thing that's happened to us, and, and we'll have an easier time if we deal with it together.

Mm.

I forgot to mention that this meeting features, refreshments.

Is that a food generator?

Where did you get that?

In an old half-sealed storage compartment in the holography room that Natasha told me about.

Positivity, plus team work equals boom.

Stop talking, turkey club please.

Coming right up.

What the hell is that?

The hydrator function isn't currently working.

But it's all in there.

Hoo.

Things are starting to look up, am I right?

Tastes like I'm eating a rabbit turd.

Rabbit turds aren't chalk full of vitamins and minerals.

Oh, yes they are.

You know what?

If anyone feeling down, then we'll be talking for the next hour.

It's up to you.

Well, I got some stuff to work through.

And, I don't remember where the engine room is from here.

So, yeah.

I'm in.

Great.

Good times.

Chad.

I'll stay too.

No you won't.

Cuz I'm ordering you to do a diagnostics triple check.

People around here need to learn to love the triple check.

Psst, hey. Hey. Captain.

I don't have free will so could you help me?

Oh, sure.

Natasha, I order you to stay here for as long as you like.

Apologies First Officer Lipinski.

The captain has superseded your order.

I'm forced to remain here.

You people do what you want.

Michael and I will pick up your slack. Get up.

Really?

Get up.

Cuz I thought this would be really...

Get up.

Good for me.

Oh, I feel bad for Michael.

Oh yeah.

Where I started out as a hospitality bot on the inaugural Hooters Casino Space Shuttle.

And then I got sold to UMP in a package deal along with some elliptical machines.

Well we're here for you.

And let us know if there's anything we can do for you.

I would loved free will.

Yeah, it's not happening.

No, okay?

Kent?

I am Kent Woolworth.

That's right, you were the first baby born on Mars.

That is not a matter I'm willing to discuss.

Tina?

My name is Tina Shukshin.

I'm from Tachkemkuspikistan.

I'm practically engaged to a wonderful man named Ted.

He's very handsome. You've probably seen him around.

We're gonna have three children and we're gonna name them Quinn, Jayden, and Quaden.

Quaden?

Quaden? Okay. Well, we have time to work on that.

I miss him.

So much.

What if he could hear you right now?

Oh my god I would say the filthiest.

Really? Really?

Yeah.

So this is a good time for us to play a little role playing game, okay?

Let's pretend that I'm Ted for now.

Okay. So so what would you say to me.

Ted.

Yeah?

You look terrible.

Hm, I don't deserve this.

Anything?

No.

For the millionth time, no sign of hull compromise.

Now can we go back to the meeting?

I'm extremely sad.

You can talk to me Michael.

Really? Cuz ever since we got to this.

Nevermind it's not working.

Ugh.

Steward always has to get so touchy feely every time something bad happens.

It's like he lives and dies for the approval of other people.

Not me. I don't care if people hate me.

Yeah, it shows.

Thank you.

Oh my god.

Is that good ooze?

No, it's not good ooze, you jack ass.

Just asking.

Life is a series of commas, not periods.

Chad I would do anything for you.

Wow. Wow.

Great stuff.

So looks like we've all talked through our grief, right?

So let's get back to work.

Great.

Oh wait, I have an idea.

Let's play mafia.

Yes.

Oh.

Also, what is mafia?

There.

I see it.

Oh my, it's still.

I can see it.

Okay, well I'm just saying there's a lot of it.

Oh my God, it accessed our central system.

And by it you mean like a, like...

Keep it together.

I'm keeping it so, we just have to make a, oh my god those are feet now.

I don't think playing games is the best use of our time right now.

You said you wanted everyone to cheer up.

This is the fastest way to get us, I promise.

Is this actual ship weaponry?

OK, so first rule of mafia is mafia rocks.

Second rule, you wanna make sure that you k*ll the k*ller before the k*ller kills you.

Damn it.

Tracks fade out here.

I'm sorry, we're in the middle of something.

It's called mafia. Can I help you?

Someone in this game's an alien.

There's a stranger among us, people.

That's impossible.

I know everyone here, don't you?

Perhaps the intruder implanted false memories inside our heads.

We were subject to group hallucinations only yesterday.

Yesterday.

I forgot how we solved that whole problem.

That's right.

Chad's ears.

Okay, I didn't fix it.

Be a lot cooler if you did.

Will the crew member who's secretly an alien raise their hand please?

Oh, God.

Natasha, can you run a ship's manifest?

Is everybody supposed to be here?

My access to the manifest seems to be blocked.

Was anyone else just woken up by a loud alarm sound.

Hey Art, come over here.

And you know what, Karen and Michael we are going to need you to join in the circle too.

I have never joined a circle and I never will.

Tina is right.

Well, right is a stretch, she has got a point, splitting up is too dangerous, our safest bet is to stick together.

I am going to do a room search.

But have fun.

Be sure to clear the weapons, so the intruder doesn't blow a hole through the ship.

Let's at least make this thing break a sweat while it kills us.

Jesus, woman, what a drip.

Okay, you're gonna sit in the interrogation chair, and we're gonna decide if you're an alien.

If we think you are, we throw you into the airlock and blast you into space, 'kay?

Who wants to go first. Michael.

In my spare time I like to listen to, music.

I like saying the word chocolate but I like eating vanilla.

Don't you find velcro loud?

I do.

Oh this fellow is the feeble excuse for a person I've ever heard of.

What?

Yeah, I mean I kind of agree.

I mean, no offense Michael, but you're just like super boring and bland, and generic, in a way that only an alien would make up.

Do you know what I mean?

No, I don't.

Okay, votes to k*ll Michael.

Motion failed.

You survived, good job buddy.

Ow.

Sorry.

I'm real you guys.

Hm, come on.

You know I'm real.

You're doing a whole lot of smiling for someone in this situation.

Oh, what?

Yeah, she is, in a strangely good mood.

Oh my God you guys, it's just my RA training kicking in.

Behind this, like, assuring, beautiful smile is just a dark cloud of billowing emotional smoke and garbage.

I mean, if I even start to, think of Teddy.

Can we vote exonerate her just so we don't have to hear about her boyfriend anymore?

Chad, Chad, Chad, Chad, Chad.

Okay, guys. Stop, stop.

Chad, just for fun, okay?

Tell us why you're not an alien.

You, me, and the bay at Monterey.

Hell yeah! That was awesome!

Such a good trip, man.

Play montage.

Nice hardware.

Why am I not an alien?

I could be, man.

It makes some sense.

Wait so, you're not defending the idea that you're a person?

Well, I've never felt that real.

Zalian's people I can vouch for you.

No offense, but the word of a robot?

I wasn't born a robot.

This is just a vessel for my brainwaves.

My real name is Howard Barnes.

Wait, like the Howard Barnes.

The inventor of smart pillows?

I love smart pillows.

That's me. You're welcome for those.

Wait but what's a billionaire inventor doing in a bargain bin body?

I sunk my fortune into immortality robot.

Where as a marketing ploy I uploaded my brainwaves into this module and my old body publicly b*rned.

Proof of concept and all of that.

Didn't help a lick.

We went out of business.

Turns out people wanted elbows.

Yeah, that's literally a believable story.

Yeah, I'm still getting an alien vibe.

What if we're all, The alien.

What are you talking about?

Well, we can't vote until Ken gets back from the bathroom so let's just hang out.

This sucks.

Honestly, any of you could be the alien.

I'd k*ll almost all of you.

Wait a minute.

I know who it is.

The alien is clearly Stewart's sister.

What?

She's the only one who refused to play.

She's the one who's desperate to examine our on-board technology.

Heck, even her name practically sounds like alien.

Karen, alien, Zalian you hear it right?

Yeah.

You guys, we can't just name someone an alien because they're not fun.

Yeah, but she's like really not fun.

She has her moments.

She has no moments.

Oh no, no, no, this isn't what I need, damn.

Kent?

Didn't you only have a five minute bathroom pass?

You should probably get back to...

Natasha.

Your programming is isolated from the main computer that's been compromised by the alien, right?

Yes, why?

Because I need some very specific information from you but you have to keep it secret from the others.

You can keep a secret right?

Oh my god.

Okay, well then that's everyone except for Stewart.

So, good enough for me. Let's k*ll Karen.

No, no, no. Michael, Michael, back me up.

You've known Karen your whole life.

I thought so, but who knows.

I mean wouldn't our lives make a little more sense without her in there messing us up?

And Chad thinks it's her. He always knows what's up.

Oh, you can count on it.

We need to talk about Kent.

Yeah we do.

We know Kent's real.

His mom is a UNP bigwig. I read about his birth.

You read about a birth.

Check it out.

UNP chairman Helen Woolworth and the red planet welcome a smiling newborn boy on Tuesday.

Mars rover, Mars rover, sent baby Derek Frances Woolworth.

On over.

Wait, Derek's a different name than Ken.

My trip to the bathroom was a thundering success.

Can we talk?

Got some questions about your family.

Again, I would rather not discuss that.

We're starting to think you're the intruder.

What do you have to say to that?

I don't think I'm an alien.

However, we can't rule out the possibility that I've trained myself to forget my alien identity.

In the Kent is an alien scenario that we seem to be discussing, I believe I would come as a peaceful creature like a duck or a woman.

Although, to play devil's advocate, why would I be skulking around like this if I wasn't planning on k*lling all of you?

You're really not helping yourself, bud.

I'll k*ll this guy, no problem.

Not yet.

We don't approve.

But he's a weirdo. What kind of proof do we need?

Hm, you don't understand Just breathe buddy, okay, just breathe.

No one's k*lling anyone yet.

An alien? Gill. Gill. I found a gill.

Jesus.

That's all the proof I need.

Let's put Ken in the airlock before he does anything else.

Chad. Not you, Chad.

Chad, don't.

Chad, please, no, Chad!

No!

Chad!

Ugh, why'd they use that one?

Back into space, Chad.

You, me?

The bay in Monterrey.

Monterrey Bay's been under water for over 30 years.

Shut up, alien.

Yeah, if it was under water then how come we went there with Chad and had the best night of our lives?

Oh my God.

It's not Kent, it's Chad.

No, wait, what?

Yeah, the logistics of our Monterrey Beach trips are impossible.

How can a ship's computer go on vacation?

Chad is the alien.

Chad can't be the alien.

Okay? Chad is awesome.

He is fooling you, he is fooling all of you.

It's Karen? Karen is the alien!

Oh you guys, you guys, my sister can't be the alien.

The key to this game is being able to read people.

Exactly.

What? No, no, no, no.

You are the alien.

We didn't even get to vote.

This is not a god damned democracy.

So strong.

What are you doing?

No, no, no, no.

Look at his face. Evil face, evil face.

He's making it again.

Question.

Who's captain now?

Might I throw my hat into the ring?

Well by rank, Michael should be captain.

Thank you Natasha.

Well I think the first order of...

Chad!

Chad. Chad.

Chad.

Chad.

Chad.

Chad.

What do you say, Chad? Will you be our captain?

Thank you to the other nominees.

Aah!

He just mentioned me.

This is crazy.

Chad can't be an alien.

Chad from auxiliary deck?

I'm starting to think we don't have an auxiliary deck.

I'm sorry sis, I should have listened to you.

No, no. If I hadn't been riding everyone so hard, people would have been willing to listen to me.

I mean, you were right, you know, in certain rare situations, feelings do matter.

Is anybody going to apologize to me?

First explain the guilt, man.

I've only been a walking talking human for a few months.

I spent the first 22 years of my life semi-comatose in a lukewarm chemical bath.

My parents birthed me to be an organ farm for my older brother, Derek.

Gills were the cheapest way to oxygenate my body.

Wow.

I was only revived this past spring when Derrick d*ed in a speed race against his coke dealer.

They did let me watch movies while I was under.

That's fun.

That's good.

Mostly old stuff.

I don't know what to say.

There's nothing to say.

I am what you would call a loser.

No.

I'm not cool like Chad.

Chad?

You're better than Chad.

Chad, Chad's... just an empty vessel of all the things that we collectively think are cool.

Yeah.

Surfing, relaxation, casual attitude towards safety.

Kent, to me, you are cool.

And if you're not cool, then F cool up the A-hole.

Stewart.

Yeah, I said it.

Well, thank you.

Your words will be a sweet soundtrack as I... choke to death on the vacuum of space.

We're gonna die. We're gonna die.

Not tonight.

You're not going anywhere, kid.

None of us are.

Wanna know what's cooler than being cool?

Breasts, nature's Tr*mp card.

Over preparation.

Good stuff, sis.

Chad still has everybody under his spell.

And that guy always says the coolest things.

My rule is to break one sweat a day.

That's gold.

Fool's gold.

I knew, I knew him from somewhere.

Where to captain?

I've never been there but I am excited to go.

We're not following him anywhere.

The new captain here's a lie.

We can't it.

Everything Chad has said since he appeared on this ship has been a direct quotation from legendary actor, philanthropist and naturalist, Matthew McConaughey.

Natasha said that the alien accessed the on board computer, clearly it did a search for cool.

McConaughey is the first thing that comes up, since then it has just been spouting quotes that it downloaded.

You really think I'd lie to you about something like this?

Ben, Fin, Finnegan, a part played by Mathew McConaughey in Fool's Gold in 2008.

Let me tell you this.

The older you do get, the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow.

Dazed and Confused, 1993.

Aah!

Africa is probably one of the, the, the most beautiful places I have ever been.

McConaughey himself.

In a 2005 interview with Hollywood.com.

Oh, Chad.

I wish it could have been different too.

He's ripping off an American legend.

It's plagiarism.

Plagiarism.

Is not cool.

Right?

All your love, all your hate, all your memory, all your pain, it was all the same thing.

It's all the same dream.

A dream that you had inside a locked room.

A dream about being a person, and like a lot of dreams, there's a monster at the end of it.

He got kind of boring once we figured him out.

Last chance.

Who are you and what do you want?

Okay.

Couple of years ago, my uncle Roy got bit on the ass by a dog.

Ed. T-V.

All right. It's time to flush him.

Can I do it?

Hold on.

I'd like to say a few words.

I know these are fake memories.

They're still damn good ones.

Chad, you were always the man.

Whether it be Monterey Bay or Texas High School.

You were always down to party.

To surf, to have a beer, to, to throw frisbee.

Bees, as he called them.

All right, all right, all right.

All right.

Wow.

She was an alien, oh, it's not sad.

For the record, the Gil freak an alien too, right?

Art.

That's not nice.

Aw, you care about people's feelings now?

Yeah, I do.

And Kent here just saved all your lives, so you might wanna show him a little respect.

He's not different just because he was born to harvest his brother's organs, or because he's lived comatose under water for most of his life, or because he has the wrong number of body parts.

See, I would think those things would make him really different.

Okay, get back to work. Everyone. Come on.

Well, that was definitely your version of a pep talk.

Thank you.

Blushing.

Oh, wow.

You rule, Stuart.

Actually, it was teamwork.

It was Karen's idea to repurpose the hydrater from the spa closet.

And Stewart was willing to sacrifice his daily steams.

What can I say? I love you guys.

Question, is hydrating food mandatory?

I guess not.

Okay, one tepid chicken pill please.

Chicken, yum.

Why do I even try?

Just, just don't say anything.

Don't.

Whoa.

You know I was thinking about what you said before.

I think I am pretty cool.

Yahoo!