01x04 - To Catch A Paparazzi

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: Previously on Big Time...

I don't know how much longer I can take it out there, Ben.

Yeah, well, I don't know how much longer I can take it in here, Jack!

Step one, you go buy me dr*gs.

Diana: Del might be a criminal.

If this guy so much as sneezes, you're gonna know about it.

Step two, I take all of those dr*gs.

Here we come.

Jack: Whoa!

Diana: Jack needs a car.

Arr!

Agh!

Step three, you check me into Ben's rehab.

Is this heaven?

Please call my brother Jack, he'll tell you it was a mistake!

I've never done dr*gs in my life! No!

Whoo!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, don't trip, I ain't goin' nowhere. Don't you go nowhere.

Hah-hah-hah!

Where's Cuba?

Yessir!

You're missing a hell of a party, big bro.

I'll be right in, Big O.

Man, you need to ease up off of that [BLEEP].

Mother[BLEEP], I said I'd be right in!

I'll sh**t you in your mother[BLEEP] face!

You're right... my fault. You got it.

Stu, tell me you got some good news for me, my brother.

Stu (over phone): They went with someone else, Cuba.

All right, you know, I'm sorry, Cuba.

What do you want me to do, huh?

You know, Spielberg said that you stole $50 out of his wallet during the meeting?

What?

Did you?

Cuba, are you high right now?

That's besides the point!

That is not besides the point! That is exactly the point, man.

Nobody's gonna work with you, unless you get sober.

No, you have to suck a [BLEEP] and hiccup!

That's what the [BLEEP] you gotta do.

Finger [BLEEP] me in a duck suit!

I don't want to have to talk about a damn thing, but your momma in my drawers!

Look, Cuba, you gotta listen to me now, okay?

Nobody's gonna want to work with you until you get sober.

Listen, Stu! Listen to me for a second, man!

You gotta understand something, man!

I'm in a real bad way, I got into...

I got into some trouble with some real serious people, man!

I just need you to look out for me a little bit.

I can't look out for you until you get sober, okay?

You need to check yourself into rehab and then I can help you.

Trust me.

Fine. Fine!

But it's gotta be quick, and somewhere discreet.

Whoo!

Agh! Agh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Were you not enjoying your stay here at the Four Seasons?

Time to wake up and work off your shakes, you junky loser!

Home... I want to go home.

Yeah, me, too... unstrap him!

I want to go home!

He walks over, he pulls the sheet up, I look at it... and this thing's got the body of a tiger... and the legs of a crocodile!

Jack?

Oh, Ben, what's up? That's my brother.

I got a brother, too, his name is Steve.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe you're here, Jack.

What's going on, buddy?

This place is incredible.

No work, tons of food.

No, it's not.

Pajamas are the uniform. This is like my heaven, man.

No, it's not, man, it's hell.

It is.

Oh, hey, Brenda?

Ssh.

Sorry, hey, can I get a little more of that meat sauce?

Bring it to my room when you get a chance.

Of course, iced tea to wash it down?

Uh-huh, I would love some.

Oh, Jack, you don't want to talk to her, she's the devil, Jack.

You are freaking me out.

Are you okay, man?

No, I'm not okay.

Okay, well, where are the celebrities?

Oh, there's no celebrities here, Jack.

There's never gonna be celebrities.

Is that Cuba Gooding Jr.?

What?

Hey, Del.

You know, sometimes I drink so much, I can't remember if it's me that's loaded... or my g*n.

(SNICKERING)

(GASPING)

What do you think, Del? You think it's loaded?

Is it loaded?

Is it loaded?

Is it loaded? Is it loaded?

All right, now, you stay away from Ben and Jack Dolfe... effective immediately.

Do you understand?

Here... go and buy yourself some new... whatever the [BLEEP] those things are.

There he is.

Okay, okay, don't say anything.

All right.

Just let me do all the talking.

I know how to handle celebrities.

Being cool, I'm cool.

Okay.

Show me the money!

Hey, man, is it Cuba or Cooba? I've always wondered...

That's not my name. My name is Tom Watkins.

Understands me?

Uh, Mr. Good... Watkins, we... we didn't mean anything by it.

We just wanted to welcome you to the facility. Please, pl...

If I wanted to hear something from you, I'll rattle my zipper.

What?

You like to talk? Repeat after me...

Chestnuts!

Chestnuts.

Walnuts!

Walnuts.

Chin nuts.

Chin nuts.

No, that's a [BLEEP] in your mouth.

Chestnuts... walnuts...

Okay, it's... he's... I think he's purple, he's purple.

He's purple.

Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's just, uh, you know, if the paparazzi knew I was here... it'd be a real problem for me.

Oh, it's the paparazzi.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Listen, let's just keep me being here between us.

All right, you feel me?

Yes, absolutely, Mr. Watkins.

You feel me? You feel me?

Yeah, I feel you.

I know you see me, but do you feel me?

Oh, yeah, I feel you.

You feel me?

Yeah.

Then why you still here?

No, no, okay, okay.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

Okay, so good to meet you.

So good to... it's great to meet you... Tom.

Have a good one.

It's good to meet you, Tom.

Oh, my God.

Y'all have a blessed day.

Jack: That was amazing!

He left his handprints on your neck!

I know.

I just got choked by an Oscar-winning actor. That was awesome.

Oh, here we go, this is me.

I... is this your room?

Yeah, I asked for a lake view... but apparently the facility wasn't built on a lake, so... you know, this was the next best thing. It's not bad, though.

Compared to mine, it's insane!

What's this?

Oh, it's my welcome basket.

You don't understand, I haven't eaten in two days.

They're just feeding me pills. I'm eating this.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm so hungry.

Now we have a real opportunity here.

If we could just pitch Cuba on an idea he likes... he's gonna punch our ticket to stardom.

You mean Tom Watkins.

Paparazzi just ruinin' his life.

What a bunch of jerk-offs!

It's the "gotcha" media nowadays, right?

You can't even check into rehab... without some scumbag paparazzi sticking his camera in your face.

(MIMICS PAPARAZZI)

Oh, look, he's eating a croissant.

Oh, look, he doesn't wear any underwear.

Oh, gosh, his d*ck is huge.

Oh, no, now the head is sticking out and it's winking at us.

Click, click, click.

Oh, surprise! Now he's a drug addict... because we follow him 24-7 and make him go crazy.

No wonder why Tom Watkins tried to strangle you to death.

He's just frustrated.

Yes, frustrated with the paparazzi, and what price do they pay?

None.

None, exactly.

Somebody ought to follow them around until they go crazy.

Yeah, celebrities should get together and follow the paparazzi.

Yes.

Take pictures of their babies... or they take pictures of them with no make-up on.

Yes!

Or they take pictures of them eating cereal and then the celebrities can say...

"How do you like it, you paparazzi scum?"

Yes! That is a show I would watch!

Me, too.

Oh, my God.

What?

That... is a show I would watch.

??? it's gone.

I took Phil's advice and I found myself a hobby.

I've been producing my own toilet cam videos.

Psst... hey.

Some people call them "vids" for short.

It's actually a passion of mine, that I...

I wa... I wanted to apologize about before.

And also, what I forgot to mention was that we are in the biz, okay?

In a major way, so it's cool, no worries.

Yeah.

Anyway, it's as simple as it sounds... just online videos of people defacating and urinating... and wiping and masturbating...

And actually, on that... on that note, um...

I have an idea for a show that I think is gonna really interest you.

Okay, it's called To Catch a Paparazzi.

It stars you. You inv*de paparazzi houses.

You take pictures of them, take pictures of their kids... take pictures of their families, you see how they like it.

Yeah, now we see how they like it.

If you don't stop talkin', I'm gonna twist your wrist clean off... suffocate you with the bone, hear me?

Oh, yeah, yeah...

Ow.

So sorry to bother you, Mr. Watkins, but you have a phone call.

What?

There's a phone call for you.

Ow.

Um, hey, at least he didn't pull out a w*apon this time.

Yeah, that's true, we're getting closer.

My biggest challenge is... and I'm working on it, believe me... is an airplane toilet.

I mean, I specifically take flights now and I'm eyeing... you know, where... where the security man is.

And you know, but th... it's tough!

H... how'd you know I was here?

Modulated voice: We wouldn't be very good at our business... if we didn't know where our favorite clients were.

How's rehab? Are you getting the help you need?

Listen, listen, I got your money and I can bring it to you...

I just don't... I just don't have it here in rehab with me.

You know, they don't let you bring cash in here.

Modulated voice: I would like to meet tonight.

No, now... now wait a minute. Now wait a minute, now wait a minute.

I... I... I can get you your money, I just need a little more time.

Modulated voice: There is no more time. I'll see you tonight.

Hello?

I think we just need to come up with a new strategy.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna give him some space.

Yes, give him some space.

And we'll try again in ten minutes.

Hey! Oh, there y'all are!

Oh! Hey!

You know, I was just saying to myself, I said...

"Cuba, you need to find those two brothers and apologize."

Really?

I'm obviously not Tom Watkins, man, let's start over, shall we?

You're obviously Cuba Gooding Jr.!

So good to meet you.

Wow!

Hey, listen...

Mmhm.

Y'all guys are probably from this town, right?

Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess you could say we're both from Hollywood.

That means you probably got a car, too, right?

Well, we don't technically have a car. No, we don't have a car.

No... yeah, but we could get... we could get one for ya'.

Yeah.

You could get one?

Yeah, what you thinkin' CG2?

Well, listen, that idea you had?

You know, about breaking into scumbag's homes?

You mean paparazzis.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Could we do that [BLEEP] today?

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, yeah.

Yeah?

We could... we could...

Yeah, we could w...

All right, that's what I like to hear, my brother.

You go get that car and I'll be ready in 15 minutes.

Yeah, and a... and a camera.

What?

Yeah, we'll get the car and the camera.

Yeah, we gotta film it.

Right.

Yeah.

Just get that car.

Yeah, we'll get that car and that camera.

No problem, Mr Junior, sir.

Oh, my God! Aren't you...

Wait.

He's gone! Oh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, hello, welcome to Big Deal Mart, it's a beautiful day.

Excuse me. Hello.

Jack: Del, it's Jack.

Jack, I told you not to call me here.

Yes, I know, but this is very important.

But the man with the g*n said that I couldn't see you...

and I peed my pants.

Del, what the living [BLEEP] are you talking about?

He put a g*n in my mouth and he sh*t it... and he sh*t it and it was awful!

Del!

I'm sorry for whatever nightmare you had last night... but we absolutely do not have time for your bull[BLEEP]!

But, Jack...

Del! Just get a camera and a car... and bring it to the rehab where you dropped me off!

Jack, the man is going to k*ll me.

Del! I will k*ll you! I will t*rture you!

I will come to your house!

I don't think it's working...

Your face is getting really red!

I will come to your house!

No, no, no.

And I will sew your ass shut!

I don't think it's okay, o...

And I will just keep feeding you!

Jack, don't thr*aten him!

Threats don't work.

And feeding you!

And feeding you! Do you hear me?

Jack, there's a... let me... let me try.

Del!

At least, I don't...

He's doing this on purpose!

It's not working.

Ben: Hey, Del, it's Ben.

Oh, hi, Ben.

We need you, Del, okay? This is your moment.

This is your moment to be the hero.

Cuba Gooding Jr. is here and he wants to work with us.

Snow Dogs.

Now bring the car and the camera, okay, Del?

Should I take Jack's car?

What? Jack's car?

Yeah, your dad just bought it for him.

Dad bought you a car?

I didn't know that. He bought me a car?

All right, well, yeah, bring Jack's car.

That was nice.

Okay, good, bye.

I'm sorry, my best friend needs me.

Mom and Dad got you a car.

Yeah, I didn't even know that.

I guess they felt like I deserved it, since they paid for your sweet rehab.

Hey, hey, you guys ready? Why aren't you dressed?

Yeah.

You got the car, right?

Yes, we got the car!

Our fat, little friend'll be here in about ten minutes.

All right, good, look, I signed us out.

Now let's go get our stuff, let's go, let's get out of here! Come on!

Wait, wait, wait. How did you do this?

Last time I tried to get out of here, they popped me full of lithium.

Did you ask to sign out?

No.

Well, that's all you gotta do.

Uh, excuse me? We can just leave whenever we want?

Of course, rehabs are voluntary.

You stupid assh*le.

Come on, yo, let's go. Come on!

Did you hear her call me a stupid...

Neither one of you heard that?

Scoles: Breaking and entering.

Stupid junkies... never learn.

I can't believe they bought you a car.

They throw me in rehab and they buy you a car? So typical.

Oh, yeah, because she's a real beauty.

Well, at least you have one.

Uh, stop! That's him! That's him, he's a notorious paparazzi!

Ben: Really?

Cuba: Yeah.

Jack: That guy?

Cuba: Mm-hm.

What did he do to you?

He took pictures of me while I was in the bath... playing with myself.

Oh!

What a pervert!

Mmhm.

Unreal, man... all right, so what should we do?

Well, I'm more of an improv guy... so let's just freestyle and see where it takes us.

Yes. Oh, my God!

Okay, Del, get the camera ready. You are about to sh**t some world-class improv.

No, no, no, you stay here, keep the car running.

Oh, who's gonna run the camera?

You!

Oh, we actually talked about possibly co-hosting together, so...

Not anymore.

Yeah, what are you doing? Just sh**t it!

Okay.

And keep that camera off me!

Off of you? I thought that was the whole point?

Well, not at first, at first, we want to be more mysterious.

You know? Build the suspense.

Follow my lead!

Freakin' genius!

Why do we even have Del around, then?

Have fun, guys.

Wait, hold on! How do I look?

You look great. How do I look?

Good.

Oh, wait, doesn't matter, because I'm the camera guy.

Are you serious right now? Come on, we're about to sh**t with Cuba Gooding Jr.

Fine.

Okay. Hi, I'm T. Jackson Dolfe.

I'm T. Jackson...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What is... what is T. Jackson?

What's that?

It sounds more professional.

Whatever. Okay, go.

Hello, I'm T. Jackson Dolfe and this is...

Can I help you?

To Catch a Papara...

Oh!

Whoa!

Did you get that?

Yes!

Oh, my God!

I think he k*lled the guy!

Holy hell!

Whoa!

Is that him?

Yeah, that's him!

And he owe me money, too!

Oh.

Hey! You okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Tie him to that chair! And if he comes to, grill his ass!

I'm gonna go upstairs and make sure there's no more, uh, paparazzi scum.

Ben: All right!

Jack: Yeah!

Okay, there he is.

We just got permission to grill you.

Oh, here he is. Look at this scumbag.

Oh, hi there, Mr. Paparazzi.

How many lives have you ruined? Huh?

All right, I'm gonna find something to tie him up.

Oh, okay, yeah.

And action...

Hello, I'm T. Jackson Dolfe.

And I am here at the home of one of the most vile, disgusting and dangerous members... of the paparazzi.

Join us on this episode of... To Catch a Paparazzi.

You get it?

I'm a scumbag paparazzi.

Ben: I take pictures of panties.

I take pictures of pa... I wait for no underwear and take pictures!

How do you like it? How do you like it?

How do you like it?

How do you like it?

How do you like it?

How do you like...

What are you doing? What are you doing?

I'm saying the line.

Yeah, that's my line. I'm the on-screen talent.

I came up with that line. It was my line first.

Camera guys don't have lines.

What've you ever watched 60 Minutes and hear a camera guy just start mouthing off... in the middle of an interview with the Clintons?

You know what? You film it. You film it, I'm done.

Are you effing with me? We have got Cuba Gooding Jr. up there.

Uh-oh, look, paparazzi scum waking up.

I wish we had someone to film it.

Okay, for episode two, we can both host together.

Do you promise?

Yes, I promise.

Thank you, that's all I wanted. Okay, go!

Um, who are you?

I'm T. Jackson Dolfe, and I have a question for you.

Jack: How do you like it?

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

Oh, look, he's got a wife and kids!

Tommy! Run! Run, Tommy! Go!

Oh, look at me! I'm an over aggressive paparazzi!

Jack: Oh, how do you like that, scumbag!

Uh-oh, time for the upskirt!

Oh! Do you get it? She just hit me!

You are getting sued!

Oh, whoa, whoa!

No, I'm not a paparazzi! I'm a teacher!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait!

You said I had a month! What? Wait!

Cuba: Wait, look.

Scoles: Oh, [BLEEP]!

I'm gonna get the money! Give this to Holgado!

I'm a six-grade science teacher!

Yeah, right! That's a likely story, you freakin' bottom feeder!

Look at this, look! See this? Look at all this jewelry.

I know it's not enough! Please, please, guys, please!

(CUBA SCREAMING)

Oh!

What the hell is that?

Oh, sh... come on, no!

Hold it!

Uh, Ben?

Hey... hey, Jack? Do you want to come look at this real quick?

I think that Cuba just improved getting kidnapped.

Ben: Have you noticed all these awards on the wall?

Ben: I'm just seeing them.

Jack: What?

Ben: Rick Kocher is "Teacher of the Year" again.

Oh, no.

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, my God! I love you so much.

I love you!

Living my life with you...

Please!

Hey... this was... hey, okay.

We are so sorry.

We are so sorry.

We are so sorry, okay?

It's a huge misunderstanding.

Th... this is the wrong house.

Ben: Brah, we got bad info.

I just want to show you me deleting your wife's upskirt sh*ts.

Oh, don't show me those!

Oh, no!

No, no, no, I'm gonna erase them.

Just leave!

You know, okay, you know what?

Get out of my house!

We should probably go.

Okay, all right.

Okay!

Ben: Sorry. You have a lovely home!

Jack: So sorry.

Oh, God! What the hell was that, Jack!

I don't know, but I think Cuba just got kidnapped.

Why did he have us terrorize that teacher?

I don't know, we just gotta get the hell out of here!

Oh, my gosh.

Whoa.

Who the hell are you?

We're gonna have to have a little talk.

What?

Drive.