Okay, I'm ready for Vegas.
Wait... hand sanitizer, Band-Aids, toilet seat covers.
Yep, I'm ready.
I'm proud of you, Lizzy, being all spontaneous and going to Vegas on two weeks' notice.
So I'll miss Suze Orman's TED Talk.
I'll catch the highlights on "Rachel Maddow."
That's the gayest thing you've ever said.
And that includes, "Luke, I'm gay."
Viva Las Vegas, baby!
Are you going to visit or to work?
I actually did work in Vegas.
I was the top showcase girl at Sapphire, which means...
Oh, I think I know what that means.
That I sold the most sapphires.
It was a jewelry store... inside a strip club.
I knew we'd end up there.
I love that we're going back to the place where it all began to celebrate our two-month anniversary.
It's cute that you're celebrating your two-month anniversary.
You and a bunch of seventh-graders.
And I'm so glad you could come with us, Lizzy.
What's more romantic than sharing a junior suite with my new husband and the woman he got pregnant?
Look at me. I got a lady on each arm, a suitcase full of Red Bull, and a two-for-one to "The vag*na Monologues."
That's playing in Vegas?
No, actually, it's "Rick's vag*na Monologues."
He gets them to talk.
Please tell me there's audience participation.
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪♪
So this is where you got married and perhaps contracted one or more of the "hepatie-tie."
It is, but it didn't look like this.
I mean, it didn't look much better than this.
Well, the good news is, I am no longer sad that I missed your wedding.
Excuse me, sir...
What's going on? 'Cause we got married here.
No, you didn't.
Yes, we did.
No, you didn't.
None of the weddings that happened here were legal.
Sorry, you got scammed.
This place was a front for the mob.
This is messed up.
I can't believe this isn't a real chapel.
Yeah, what house of God doesn't have a stripper pole?
Luke, do you know what this means?
It means... I didn't miss your wedding.
And now I get to be your best man.
And you get to have a real ceremony.
Wow, that's a large blood stain!
Lizzy, my visa expires in a week.
If we're not married by then, I'll be exiled back to England, forever banished from this land.
Would you just speak American for one second?
I'll be sent back to England and put on a permanent no re-entry list.
Well, I love you, and I'm not gonna let that happen.
All right? We'll just get married again.
There's a chapel across the street, see?
Just past "Nude, Nude, Nude," it says, "Wedding, Wedding, Wedding."
Wait, you guys, you have a week to get married.
I mean, I could plan something really nice for you.
I have been called "the organizer's organizer"... by me... to myself... while I'm organizing.
I do kinda feel like I missed out on some of that traditional wedding stuff.
I never got a chance to propose, or ask your dad for his blessing, or make bad decisions at a bachelor party.
Dude, look at her, you're marrying a bachelor party.
Aw, Lizzy, I'm touched... and someday, you will be again, too.
You know what?
Let's do it right... starting now.
Prudence Merlizabeth Baines.
Will you marry me?
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Here's a ring.
Luke, I'd marry you a thousand times.
But let's try and cap it at two.
I'm sorry, can I have that ring back?
That was my last peach one.
Okay, the wedding planning is in full swing.
And remember when I said I had something big a-brewin'?
Lizzy, I know you're pregnant, but I don't need to be on every part of your journey.
No! You wanted to ask Prudence's dad for her hand in marriage.
Well, someone is a bit of an Internet sleuth and tracked down a Mr. Martin Baines in Splitwick, England.
Oh, wow, you found his number?
No, that would be average "best man-ing."
This little lesbo went to the market.
Is this a riddle?
I flew in Prudence's dad!
His cab just got here!
He is sitting on the couch right now!
If I had a mic, I'd drop it.
Oh, my God, I'm about to meet my future father-in-law!
What do I do? How do I look?
Do I curtsy?
Yes, curtsy... no!
Just relax, okay?
Be your amazing self.
Ask for his daughter's hand.
And just remember that you're supposed to get your best man a gift, so cashmere will do.
You really are the greatest best man.
Yeah, I guess the key to being a great best man is being a woman.
Mr. Luke, I'm Baines... Bad start.
I'm Luke. It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
Oh, please, call me Martin.
Lovely home you have here.
I come bearing gifts.
Here's an airplane blanket.
And instructions for a water landing.
Look, I'm just gonna come out and say it.
I love Prudence.
She makes me happier than I've ever been.
And I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
So with your blessing, I'd like to...
Martin! What are you doing here?
I flew your father in!
That's not my father!
Well, I'm pretty sure...
I'm her husband.
No, husband... I never signed the divorce papers.
We're still married.
This little lesbo went to the wrong market.
I'm so sorry I never told you I was married before.
But it's not something I'm proud of.
I was very young.
I was very young when I went through my eyeliner phase, but I showed you the picture!
Well, I'm telling you now!
And I was desperate to get out of my house.
We were really poor.
I had to share a bed with six of my seven sisters.
Beatrice slept standing up like a horse.
Prudence, how could you not tell me?
I just wanted to erase the past and pretend it never happened.
I thought I was divorced! I signed the papers!
But, apparently, that w*nk*r never did.
That is something you should maybe follow up on!
I know "I'm sorry" doesn't fully cover it, but if I had flown in your father, that would have been awesome!
Can we all just take a moment to imagine that?
Lizzy, how the hell did this happen?
Prudence told me that her father's name was Martin.
So we can pass the blame around a little.
I took "Baines" when I married him.
And I kept it because my maiden name was hyphenated, and it caused me a lot of grief growing up.
What was your name?
It was Prudence Merlizabeth Hardmeat-Buttswallow.
You know what?
That's the stuff we would have learned if we spent our second date doing hand stuff in a movie theater instead of getting married in Vegas.
All right, I'm gonna handle this.
I'm gonna get in his face.
I'm gonna make him sign those divorce papers, and I'm gonna put him on the next plane out of here.
Look, before you go out there, just know he's a bit shifty.
He got kicked out of the Splitwick Cricket Club for using a weighted wicket.
Okay, I heard "shifty."
And I can handle him.
Let's hope he can handle me.
That bent my fingernail all the way back.
All right, Martin, we need to talk.
Actually, I need to talk, you need to listen.
Or there's a third option... we could both talk at the same time and see who listens to what.
See? That got us nowhere. So let me start.
Pretty curious, isn't it, that your wife never told you about me.
First of all, she's my wife.
That's what I said, "She's my wife."
So that's settled.
No, it's not settled. Prudence signed those divorce papers a long time ago, and you should've, too.
I let Prudence go once, and now that I've found her, I am never letting her go again.
Now, you go!
Oh, I'll go. You're gonna sign those papers or I'm gonna kick your ass.
Ooh, bad boy come to rough me up, eh?
This'll be fun. You h*t me, I h*t you.
You h*t me, I h*t you. You kick me, I kick you.
Sorry, mate, sorry, mate. Pint for you, pint for me.
Let's just cut to the end. First round's on you.
Look, I printed up standard British divorce papers.
Cost me 15 quid, whatever that is.
All we gotta do is get Martin to sign it.
Yeah, good luck reasoning with the guy.
He'll steal the watch right off your... what?!
I left it at home.
Dude's in a drinking contest with himself... and he's gonna win.
Look, that's why you guys are all here, okay?
To create a festive atmosphere, so he gets so drunk, he doesn't even know what he's signing.
Yes, but when it comes to drinking, no one can keep up with him.
He was once told by an angry mob of football hooligans to please calm down.
Okay, listen, I got this.
He doesn't know that I'm pregnant.
I will go sh*t for sh*t with him.
Even if you weren't pregnant, your idea of "raging" is late-night "House Hunters" and chardonnay on ice.
Pints taste like a possum's piss over here.
So, we are switching to whiskey.
Ha-hoo! To Martin!
Feel that one going down, don't you?
Yeah... you do.
Should we throw another one back?
I like your style. But hands off, love, I'm taken.
Luke, you're not such a bad bloke.
Thanks for keeping the missus warm for me.
I wasn't keeping her warm for you.
Oh, it's big of you to admit you're impotent in front of everyone.
Hey, I can get it up, I can get it way up!
(Martin laughing hysterically)
Okay, I think he's drunk enough.
He just exposed himself to our neighbor's dog.
Look, sit him on the couch.
I'll grab a pen and trick him into signing the papers.
Hey! Hey, Pru Pru, don't be shy.
Come over here and let's reenact our wedding night.
How? You gonna sleep with my cousin and then get into an argument with a post box?
Darling, let's not fight in front of company.
You're the company, jackass!
Just piss off, you bloody bastard!
Oh, and, dude, I saw what Coco saw, and I got you b*at.
I'm starting to think Prudence doesn't like me.
Which is a pity 'cause she's the only woman I've ever loved.
Did you want to register to vote here?
Can I vote for Prudence to love me?
And less money for those bloody schools?
Maybe it's time to move on from Prudence.
I mean, you're a... catch.
Nah, I'm... Am I?
Okay, um... well, you're tall.
Hmm. And let's say, handsome.
Aren't you my angel tonight?
Look, I'll be whatever you want if you just sign these divorce papers.
I've always been suspicious of women.
Like they're using me for something.
But not a little something-something, if you know what I'm... Sex.
Oh, not gonna use you for that, nope.
But I'm sure a lot of women would be lucky to have you.
'Cause I've had my eye on you since you paid for my flight out here.
Is it... (burps) mutual?
I don't know. I, uh...
I can't really commit to someone until I see their... signature.
(chuckling) You kinky devil.
You're about to.
What do you mean you didn't get him to sign the divorce papers last night?
Actually, I think Martin's moved on.
On to what?
'Ello, love! Oh.
Be a dear... whip up some breakfast for me while I powder my peter.
Sorry, Pruze. You snooze, you lose!
I was just trying to encourage Martin to move on.
Luckily, he passed out before he could move onto me.
Actually, this might work for us.
He's not into Prudence anymore, so all you have to do is pretend to be straight, lead him on until he signs the papers.
Just a little bit of flirting.
Second base, max.
Luke, ew, no! That is not my wheelhouse!
Lizzy, if I'm not divorced and re-married in four days, I'm gone.
You gotta take one for the team.
I don't play for that team!
Okay, you don't have to play, just show up to practice.
Ah, all cleaned up.
I, uh, improvised a bidet in there... hope that's okay.
Last night was fun, eh? Whoo-hoo!
All I can remember is this one calling me handsome and then, uh, things got a little hazy.
Yeah, Lizzy, did you...
We had... boy-girl sex.
And it was the best boy-girl sex I've ever had.
Ooh, that's gotta sting, Pru.
Remember when we had boy-girl sex?
I just don't think I can be with you again in a heterosexual way... as long as you're still married to Prudence.
Sorry, Pru, but I always thought I could do better than you, anyway.
I'm about to slap the accent right out your mouth.
I never loved you, Martin.
I was only using you to get out of a bad situation at home.
Why else would I marry you after only knowing you for three days?
That's just the jealousy talking.
Hey, Lizzy, fancy another British invasion?
I don't think so, Marty.
'Cause you just divorced your wife for a lesbian!
Wait, so what I'm hearing is...
I bagged me a lesbian?!
That is quite a coup.
I gotta go call me mates!
No, that's not what I'm saying!
There was no invasion!
Oh, my God, I'm divorced! I'm so relieved.
Are you all right?
We also got married after a couple days.
Were you using me to get out of a bad situation?
Yeah, I know, totally gay. (chuckling)
Well, not anymore.
You wanna say hi?
All right, talk to you later, mate.
So, here's what I'm thinking.
I move in here, we summer in Splitwick.
I don't have much pride, so I'm happy to stay home while you work.
But I don't clean, I don't cook, and I definitely don't want a bunch of stinky kids ruining your better bits.
Oh, you... you don't want kids.
No. (inhaling sharply)
Actually, that's gonna be a problem, because last night when we were doing the... sex...
I'm pretty sure you got me pregnant.
What? Oh, no...
I couldn't have put one up your duff that fast.
I'm just gonna go see if I have a pregnancy test, 'cause I'm pretty sure I got some stuff in my duff.
Okay, well, um... fingers crossed it's just sour stomach!
Just a bit of the botty totty.
I'm... I'm sorry, Prudence, I don't know what to believe.
First, you lied to me about ever being married.
And then I find out you married Voldemort after three days also!
Our situation is completely different.
I married you after five!
Oh, two extra days!
Now I feel like a princess!
Luke, I understand you're angry.
Just let me explain.
There's nothing to explain. This is a pattern.
You marry the first sucker you meet to solve your problems!
Did you marry me because you were about to be deported?
Luke, I didn't use you to stay in the country.
I wanted to stay in the country so I could be with you.
You know what we have is real, and you know that I love you.
Is exactly what you would say if you were using somebody.
You have to believe me.
Actually, I don't.
I just have to get out of here.
This is a bunch of measuring spoons.
These are my keys!
Martin, someone's gonna be a daddy!
Wow, that was fast.
So is Luke.
He's convinced I was using him.
He's really upset. He's just took off.
Where did he go?
I don't know.
So what you're saying is it's just you and me now.
It's just you and me.
I'm gonna see how far Martin got. No?
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01x05 - A Tale of Two Hubbies
Episode transcripts for the TV show, "One Big Happy". Aired March - April 2015.
"One Big Happy" is about a gay woman who decided to have a baby with her straight best friend, and her best friend is in love with another woman.
1 post • Page 1 of 1
1 post • Page 1 of 1