01x01 - The Sexorcism

[bunniefuu]

Man: Ghosts tend to stick around when they have some kind of unfinished business.

Oftentimes, the type of haunting will give me some sort of insight into what that unfinished business is.

And finishing unfinished business, well, that literally is my business.

Let's get down to it.

These disturbances of which we spake over the phone at great lengths, would you mind walking me through it again?

Evidently, I didn't write anything down, so all of it would be helpful.

Things move around in the attic at night.

We hear creaking. The exterminator find nothing.

And then one day, my wife, she find this under her pillow.

Mm.

I've seen this before.

What is it?

I'm trying to think of the most delicate way to say this without offending you.

Scrabble? It's a popular word game.

You make words out of these cute tiles here.

(Speaking Korean)

It doesn't matter.

The point is that I think this is a crue.

Clue. This is a clue.

So, what does the A mean?

The A? Oh, yes.

I have no idea.

I'll have to ask the ghost.

(Rock theme music playing)

(Slow dramatic theme playing)

All right, here we are.

Why don't we start with this?

You obviously chose this tile for a reason.

Right?

You guys do everything for a reason, don't ya?

Hm?

Herro?

Oh, f... king f... king, f... k fart!

What is it? What?

Oh, what's this?

A...

Ang... Ang...

Ang... Angina.

Ang... ange... Angus. Angus burger.

Please, tell me you're spelling "Angus burger" right now.

I remember this one time I had an Angus patty, it was so juicy, I didn't just eat that thing, I literally performed cunnilangus on it.

La-la-la-la-la. I'm gonna stop you right there.

No, no, let me just finish this Angus memory.

Angus? But I'm spelling Angie.

Uh, Angie.

Oh, whoa.

Can you...? Oh, my.

Who are you?

Name is Kevin Pacalioglu.

I know it's a bit of a mouthful. You can just call me Pac.

That's what all my friends call me.

Well, my friend.

My drug dealer.

Why are you here?

Because Mr. and Mrs. Lee downstairs said that you've been haunting their house, and they've asked me to come and help, Angie.

Oh, no, no, I'm actually Daniel.

Daniel. Who's Angie then?

Angela, my girlfriend, she used to live in this house, and we'd come up here and make out, and I really thought she was gonna be the one.

What happened?

The w*r.

I joined the army, and within the first week, got a b*llet through the back of my head.

Worst part about it is, I never got to see any action.

Mm, right, because of your head hole?

Well, no, actually, I never, um, even got to fire my g*n, you catch my drift?

Yeah, I thought I did, until you just said "if you catch my drift."

I never got to have sex. I d*ed a virgin.

Ah, yes.

Got it, okay, you were gonna bring her up here and bareback her on that ratty old mattress over there.

Romantic. Got it. That's why you're still here.

Hey, this may sound crazy, but since you can hear me, maybe there's something else you can do.

If you're talking about a possession, you are out of luck.

I do not do that anymore.

So isn't there something else we can do so I can pay my rent and you can move on?

I'm here for Angela, that's it.

Are you serious?

I'm dead serious.

That's clever.

I know.

Ha-ha-ha!

But really.

You're serious?

Very.

sh*t.

(Theme music playing)

Roofie: So how you doin', Pac?

A happy meal, please.

You always get the happy meals.

Ooh. Come on, man, you're a little light.

You're a little dark.

I can't keep floatin' you like this.

Come on, Roof.

Ehh...

I'm sorry, I don't know what you want me to say.

I'm not gettin' jobs like I used to, okay.

People are living longer, so there's fewer ghosts, and everybody's so desensitized to these hauntings because of the paranormal festivity movies.

Plus, you know, I've just gotten, like, so lazy.

I think you're sellin' yourself short, man.

Am I?

You got a prodigious ability.

You got to capitalize on that.

You don't charge your clients enough.

My clients are usually more willing to put up with the ghosts than they are with me.

Okay, whatever. It's your life.

It is my life.

Your life.

And I wanna be high, heh.

Male TV host: A my guest today is celebrated paranormal communicator Miss Camomile White.

(Audience applauding)

It's such a pleasure to meet you.

Lovely to see you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Miss Camomile White has graced us with a new book that she has entitled, The Ghost Who Came Inside.

Nice title.

I will be appearing at the Occult Classics Bookstore tomorrow for a book signing.

She's so dreamy.

You gotta go down to that book signing and spark up a convo.

What?

Mm-hm.

No, a girl like her, and a guy like me, we're from different worlds, we can't talk.

It would never work.

Come on, y'all both mediums.

But she's a celebrity, she's beautiful.

I'm just, like, this lowly jackass who can't even afford his rent.

Matter of fact, I might be homeless by the time I finish this joint.

I am gonna have to go through with this possession.

This teenager was a soldier and d*ed in the w*r.

This poor kid, he d*ed a virgin.

(Scoffs)

He just wants my body to have sex with his girlfriend.

Wait, wait, wait. You got a job, all you gotta do is get laid to get paid?

Yeah.

When's the last time you had sex?

I don't know. What's today, Friday?

Tuesday.

Tuesday. Okay, so like...

Eight years ago.

Danny, the virgin, I've reconsidered.

I'm gonna bone your girlfriend.

Really?

I'm gonna bone your girlfriend, my good man!

Ghost high-five! All right!

Okay, two things.

First thing, is she attractive?

She's beautiful.

Oh, thank God.

Two, this is a one-time deal, right?

I'm not coming back every time time you wanna dip the old wick. You are:

(Whistles)

I just wanna get laid.

Where does she live?

Ah, hi.

Ah, Miss Diinooki, I hope?

It's Dinucci. Can I help you?

Ho, oh, wow.

Ah, yes.

This is gonna sound a little bit strange.

I understand that. Here it goes, anyway.

I have been sent here by Daniel, your boyfriend who d*ed.

He's haunting a house that I've been hired to exorcise, and the only way that he will move on is if he can possess my body and use it as a vessel with which to make love to you.

With me.

I'm here to f... k you.

I'm calling the cops.

No, no cops! No cops!

I'm not gonna have sex with you.

Technically, you'd be having sex with your boyfriend, so no harm, no foul. I'm a lesbian.

That's just a phase. You're in mourning.

For who?

For whom?

I don't know what you're saying.

Eh, let's try this again, okay?

Here.

(Clears throat)

Hi there. Are you Angie Dinooki?

No.

No. Okay, is there anybody here by that name?

Yeah, she's watching her program.

Nonna!

What is it, bellissima?

Oh, that w*r.

Ms. Dinucci, I should really explain myself a little better.

Save it, Casanova.

My granddaughter already told me all about your little spiel.

Okay, look, trust me, I know when I tell you there are spirits that stick around in the human realm for a long time after they've passed.

Yeah, sure, I believe that.

I watch that Camomile White every time she's on one of my programs.

I like her.

But that doesn't mean I go along with it.

What? Why? Why not?

My Daniel was a beautiful boy.

He had a face like Rudolph Valentino.

A culo you could eat the real scarpino.

Oh, really?

Look, I'm sorry, but my answer is no.

Okay.

You should know though, that if I hadn't taken about 20 of your goiter analgesics, drank a half a bottle of cough syrup, and popped about 15 of those sugar cubes, I would be utterly heartbroken right now.

Good day, sir.

(Speaks Italian)

(Car horn honks)

(Man chattering)

(Suspenseful theme playing)

(Suspenseful theme continues)

"Even though he was gone, I could feel him around me, inside me. A gentle breeze wafted through the bedroom and caressed my creamy white immaculate thighs. I thought about closing the window, but when I looked over, I saw that it was already closed."

Thank you so much for that, Miss White.

That was paranormal erotica at its finest.

Thank you.

Okay, I'd like to open it up to the audience for some questions.

I have a question.

So Occult Classics has been in my family for three generations.

My grandfather actually d*ed here.

There were some odd circumstances surrounding his death, and I don't mean to put you on the spot, but I was hoping right here in front of all these people, you could maybe tell me exactly what happened the night that he d*ed.

(Crowd murmuring)

(Breathes deeply)

(Whispers) I see him.

I see your grandfather.

But I see some negative energy around him.

Is... is that making sense to you?

Um, not really. He d*ed in a fire.

A fire!

Yes!

Yes, yes, I see it.

I see a fire.

He actually d*ed trying to put out that fire.

He d*ed trying to save this bookstore that he loved.

Ah.

I hated this place.

I was the one who started the fire.

Wait, you didn't talk to her?

She made all that up?

Wait, you can hear me?

Wait, she can't hear you?

Wait.

Wait.

Camomile White is a fraud?

Hey, if you can hear me, you need to tell these people the truth.

No, no, I'm not gonna be the meat in that sandwich.

I've been trapped here for 20 years.

I don't want to be remembered as a martyr for a place I didn't give a damn about.

Say something, you!

No!

Just... just... you just...

Excuse me.

What?

We're having a moment here.

I'm so sorry, I'm just having my own moment over here.

That's okay, love, you're just a bit confused.

You know, my powers can be pretty scary to people when they don't understand how they work.

I... I understand them just fine.

I... I am, myself, actually a medium.

Really?

'Cause to me, you look more like a large.

(Laughter)

You're gonna take that? Stand up for yourself.

Set me free.

Now, if you don't mind, medium.

Actually, Shelly, I don't mind.

I don't mind, big time, okay?

Your grandfather didn't die trying to save this place.

He d*ed trying to set this thing on fire.

The only reason he had it in the first place was because...

(Whispers) Grandmother loved to read.

Your grandmother loved to read so much, you know, and when then she d*ed, he was like,

"good, get rid of it. I don't want it."

So he decided he was gonna... burn it.

Stage a fire, collect the insurance money, and open up...

The restaurant.

The restaurant he'd dreamed of having, and name it Ralphie's, after his son, your father, and if the restaurant didn't start paying for itself after the first quarter, he was gonna light another fire, and burn that sucker down, and... uh...

Ah, I'm sorry, I'm being told to shut my mouth by the ghost, because I have said enough already.

That does make sense.

We good?

Shelley: Grandpa was a shyster, and gam-gam loved to read, and she hated when I called her gam-gam, and she...

How did you know all that?

Ahhhh-mooo!

A-boon deshift deshy-a!

Tooak-eenee!

Shamm-a-hiya! Cach!

(Crowd murmuring)

(Camomile gagging)

Cool, tag sale.

Fun.

What do we got?

Ah, I already have all this stuff.

Wait a second.

Ah! Just the man I was hoping never to see again in my life.

You're out!

No, wait, you can't just sell all my treasures.

I mean, my giant remote?

I was hoping it would pay back the three months' rent, but this is worthless!

No one wants a plunger that says "mama."

It says "moma."

It's from the museum. It's probably art!

No one wants it!

I want it!

I'll take everything. How much?

I give you everything for 500.

Thirty.

Deal.

You still owe me rent!

Woman: Tabboulleh!

I'm coming!

Look, I've been thinkin' a lot about Daniel, and when we were young, he used to write me letters, and on the envelope he would always just put one single letter a.

And when I saw that tile that you left the other day, it reminded me of that, and him, and how much he meant to me.

So...

So maybe you're not my type, but it's just something I gotta do.

I'm in.

You're in? Oh, yes!

Oh, my God, you have no idea how happy that makes me.

Today has just been like the worst day of all time.

Hang on, hang on.

Oh, God.

What's that?

Magic mushrooms.

See, for a possession like this to work, my mind needs to be in a more mushiable, dark state.

Basically, I need to go on a really bad trip.

(Slow psychedelic theme playing)

Did you get any lube?

All they had was this kimchi mayo.

(Groans)

You... you feelin' the mushrooms yet?

(Chirping)

It's hard to really tell.

(Laughter)

Here.

What's that?

This is a list of my insecurities.

Mushrooms only get me halfway there.

I need to be broken down emotionally and physically.

If you would be so kind...

Please.

"You're a loser.

Your only friend is your drug dealer."

Your breath smells like spoiled concetta.

Wait, is that on there?

Ah, just a pitch.

"You've been in the same business for ten years and you have nothing to show for it.

You finally met the girl of your dreams and now you got your heart broken because she turned out not to be who you thought she was, so you gave up on love, and you're resolved to spend the rest of your life alone."

(Sobbing)

(Panting)

Daniel?

Daniel!

(Laughs joyfully)

Daniel, I can't believe it's really you.

It's been so long.

(Both gasp)

You're more beautiful than the day that I shipped off.

I'm so glad I get a second chance.

(Chuckles)

Are you ready?

(Dramatic theme playing)

(Both moaning)

(Both screaming)

(Both moan)

Oh, my God.

(Laughs)

So you wanna go again?

You know it's just me now, right, Mrs. Dinucci?

I'm game if you are.

Yeah.

Oh, I see.

Ooh.

(Car horns blaring)

That's him. Stop the car.

Hey, you!

Hey.

Listen to me, you hungry hungry hippo.

Ah!

I don't know who you are, or what your game is, but if you ever pull a stunt like that again, I will rip off your balls and turn them into tiny mini dangling earrings.

Am I making myself clear?

Yes, perfectly.

Don't you ever contradict me.

I was just trying to help.

I don't need your help.

No, I mean I was just trying to help somebody else.

No one else needs your help. I help people.

I give them closure.

How does vomiting blue slushie help give people closure?

But why would you say that?

Uh, because it...

(Screams)

Tiny little dangling earrings.

Clear?

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

(Screams)

(Retches)

(Gasps)

(Groaning)

(Car engine starts)

Get in the car now!

(Groans)

Ah! Oh.

(Suspenseful theme playing)