01x02 - The Hot God Contest

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Previously on Deadbeat...

My guest today is celebrated paranormal communicator, Camomile White.

I see him. I see your grandfather.

He d*ed trying to save the store.

I hated this place.

She just made that all up?

Woman: Excuse me.

We're having a moment here.

Your grandfather didn't die trying to save the store.

He d*ed trying to light it on fire.

I don't know who you are.

But if you ever pull a stunt like that again...

Announcer: In the criminal justice system, there are crimes that can land you in jail for more than one year and crimes that can land you in jail for less than one year.

Or possibly just result in a small fine.

These are the crimes that could go either way.

Bad news, dirtbag.

That's over five hundos in stolen merch.

It's grand larceny.

You're going away for a long time.

Detective, you're gonna wanna hear this.

Detective: What do you got for me?

One of the stolen items is on sale.

Total value of the stolen merch is 490.

It's petty theft.

It's a misdemeanor.

A sale item, that is genius.

Where do they come up with this stuff?

(Door knocking )

Well, that's a dainty little knock.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Sue from Camomile White's office?

A couple of days ago, you vomited all over her?

Yeah, I remember very well.

You also soiled her Pierre le Soixante pantsuit.

Her what?

Her pantsuit.

She wanted me to give you this dry-cleaning bill.

For 25 bucks, what...?

I can't afford this, but...

You seem like a nice guy.

Just pay the bill.

You do not wanna get on this woman's bad side.

Bad side? She already kicked me in the nuts.

It'll get worse. I'm sorry, I have to go.

No. No, you don't.

No, no, no. Listen, come in, have some peanut butter.

We'll sort it out over a nice spoonful of peanut butter.

(Theme music playing)

What's up, Pac, how you living?

Not very well, I fear, Roofie.

I got this bill I can't afford.

Don't know how to deal with it, I got no one to turn to.

The stress is really having its way with me.

So what are you saying is you wanna borrow money from me?

Money? No. Weed.

You know, for the stress. Were you listening?

Look, Pac, I can't just keep giving you weed.

I'm a businessman.

As your drug dealer, which the idea is you pay me for dr*gs.

Well, as my friend, can you loan me money to pay for the dr*gs?

How much you need?

As my dealer, how much for an eighth?

For a friend, 25 bucks.

For 25 bucks, I could just pay the stupid dry-cleaning bill.

Roofie, can you loan me 25 bucks to pay this stupid dry-cleaning bill?

I wanna help you out.

But I can't just give you cash every time you're in a bind.

I got this hot morphine connect down at St. Anfernee's.

She said about some haunty stuff going on down there.

Maybe, you should pay her a visit.

Woman: Thank you so much again for coming.

Roofie spoke very highly of you.

Well, he was very high when he spoke of you too so...

What's going on here?

Just a lot of weird stuff like unplugged heart machines turning on and saline drip bags just depleting for no reason.

Have there been any deaths in this particular hospital?

Yeah, it's a hospital.

There's tens of thousands of deaths.

I see.

Oh, this is gonna be a lot harder than I thought.

Just to be clear, we don't need you to exorcise the whole hospital. It's just one room.

Just that?

Yeah, it's the unofficial hook-up room for the staff.

So the nurses are willing to pay whatever it takes.

They are? That's great news.

I'm so strapped for cash...

I'm so strapped for time.

Ain't no time for this.

Honestly, you know. I'm in high demand.

Job of this size, I would have to charge about $100.

A hundred dollars?

Okay, 50.

Fifty?

Twenty-five dollars, but not a penny more.

Great, deal.

Deal.

Good, I shan't let ye down, my lady.

Thank you.

You are in good hands.

Someone will clean that up, right?

Excuse me, I was eating those.

Not quickly enough, if you ask me.

Oh, and who are you supposed to be?

You see me?

Is that your first or your last name?

What?

What?

No, I am Hiro Tamagachi.

The professional hot dog eater?

You d*ed?

Sadly, yes.

My name is Kevin Pacalioglu and I'm here to finish any unfinished business you might have.

Really? You do that for me?

Yeah, for 25 bucks I'd do just about anything..

Well, right before I d*ed, I was training for the most important eating competition of my life.

Both: The Oinky's Hot Dog Invitational.

Exactly.

I'm aware of it.

I was all set to take back my title from my arch rival, Johnny Praline, that prick.

Well, I don't mean to sauer your kraut, but you're a ghost.

Eating is kind of off the table.

Here's the thing.

A few years back, I signed up to be an organ donor.

And, after I d*ed, they took from me my most prized organ.

Those bastards took your stomach.

What? No, that's the good part, you idiot.

What I'm trying to say is, I may be dead, but my stomach lives on.

Find it, Kevin. Find whoever has my stomach.

And make them enter that hot dog-eating contest.

Kevin: Hey, did the nurse text you the address yet?

No, man.

Look, I'm gonna tell you when she text me.

Why'd you give her my number anyway?

Because she needs to get permission from Tomagachi's stomach recipient to set up a meeting.

I'm saying, why did you give the nurse my number?

I don't have a number anymore.

They shut off my cell phone weeks ago.

Yeah, I've been living off the grid, untrack-able.

I'm a free man.

It's not by choice.

Excuse me, hey, bro, it'd be good right here.

All right, let's be cool here, this client buys a lot of weed.

Yo.

Yeah, you know, I'm like eyes in the sky.

I hate that.

Don't you hate that?

Yeah.

Right?

What is that?

I call that one Spurious Accusations and Lies.

I would have called it Tiny Tower of Teeth.

Or The Leaning Tower of Teeth-a.

So what were you, like, a dentist or something?

I was an avant-garde-ist.

And I put myself, literally, into every piece of work I ever made.

Blood, sweat, jism diluted with tears of happiness.

That's jiz?

That one's a mixed-media collage of pubic hair glued together with pus from a sex wound.

And that there, my masterpiece.

For my swan song, I hung myself upside-down and exploded myself on a blank canvas.

But those imbeciles have hung it upside-down.

Roofie: Yo.

The nurse texted me the address.

Oh, good.

Guess who's gonna be here Saturday night.

James McAvoy?

I don't know.

Who?

No. Camomile White.

Yes, she's doing, like, a séance.

Channeling the spirit of Vesuvius, whatever his name is.

The guy who did all this pretentious ass-nice art.

Vesuvius.

You should go meet her.

You know what, I think that ship has sank.

I went to that book signing thing.

And she can't see ghosts at all.

She's a total fake.

What?

Yeah.

Fake?

Yeah.

Hey, man, just hope her titties isn't fake.

No, I don't know.

Hard to tell when I was throwing up all over them.

I wrecked her Soixante pantsuit.

Now she's sticking me with this $25 dry-cleaning bill.

That's the bill you told me about?

Yeah.

That's the bill? Twenty-five dollars?

Yeah.

Come on, man, Camomile White don't need your $25, she's rich.

She's power-moving you, man.

She's what?

Power-playing.

She's trying to assert her dominance, that's all.

I don't like it when people do that.

Yeah.

Power-play me.

You know what?

She try to muscle me with a dry-cleaning bill?

Wait until she sees what my counter-move is.

And what move would that be?

It's the least expected move there is.

I'm gonna pay that bill.

On time.

In full.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a stomach to track down.

I'm here about the stomach.

You're the guy.

Yeah, I'm the guy.

Menachem. Sit down, sit down.

I didn't know what kind of bagel you'd want.

So I didn't get you any.

Oh, can I settle on this? Don't touch these bagels.

Oh, since we're just sitting here, why don't I tell you a story?

Every ghost needs closure and that's the whole reason he's still here.

It's an amazing story.

And it definitely explains this appetite.

I didn't even know you could receive stomach transplants.

Listen to me, I'm very appreciative of this stomach.

But this Oinky's hot dog eating competition, that I can't do.

Oh, you don't have to do it though.

It's not even you. It's Tamagachi's stomach.

It's very well-trained, it will do all the work for you.

You don't get it. I can't...

Oinky's hot dogs, they're pork hot dogs.

Yeah.

I can't eat pork.

What happens if you eat it?

It's against my religion. We don't eat pork.

It's like breaking a contract with God.

Who negotiated that?

I'm not doing your competition and that's that, I'm sorry.

No, no, no, you can do it.

You can do it.

Hiro: He said no?

After I saved his life by donating my stomach?

I know, Hiro Tamagachi, I know.

I have an idea.

If you don't get that g*dd*mn rabbi into that hot dog-eating contest, I'm gonna unplug every feeding tube in this hospital.

But that would mean...?

Hundreds of innocent lives lost.

All on your conscience.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's bad.

Why, what were you gonna say?

No, nothing, I was just thinking that, if the hauntings got worse, I wouldn't get paid and I wouldn't be able to afford my dry-cleaning bill and Camomile would basically win, but that...

You know what, your thing is probably a way bigger deal.

Figure it out.

Simmons: What was that? We had him on grand theft.

Detective 2: One bottle of liquor. The rest was baby formula.

So what are you saying? Perp was a family man?

Trying to provide?

What I'm saying, Simmons, is sometimes, if no one gets hurt, and the motive is noble enough, sometimes, it just ain't worth the paperwork.

What are you doing here?

I think I found the loophole.

Are those Funyuns?

Get out of here.

Give me one.

No.

All right, listen, listen, listen.

In the criminal justice system, there are felonies and there are misdemeanors.

In Jewish, there has to be some sins that are worse than others, right?

In Jewish.

According to Yohakmet, this analogy you came up with, eating pork breaks the laws of kosher.

That's a felony.

Okay, all right.

But sometimes, if nobody gets hurt and the motive is noble enough, it just ain't worth the paperwork.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about eating pork is a victimless sin.

The only person you're worried about offending is God.

By eating these hot dogs, you will be directly helping a tortured ghost finally find his peace.

The ghost of the man who saved your life, I mean, come on, God's gotta understand.

All right?

For me?

Oh, man.

Kevin: If you can eat this, you'll have no problem eating a hot dog.

Well, then, why don't we just start with a hot dog?

Okay.

Hotdog.

I wanna do this, I really do.

But this could be a slippery slope.

How so?

I've kept Kosher my entire life and cultivated a sense of discipline and self-control.

If I break this one rule, albeit for a noble cause, who's to say I won't spiral out of control?

It won't happen.

I'm here with you every step of the way, okay?

Just think of me as a moral compass of sorts.

Here it comes.

There's the rush.

Yeah, okay.

Fair enough, yeah, I deserve that.

♪ Meshugenah ♪
♪ Meshugenah ♪
♪ Meshugenah ♪
♪ Meshugenah ♪
♪ Meshugenah ♪
♪ Meshugenah ♪
♪ Meshugenah ♪

Coming, buddy?

What?

Hey, what are you doing here?

I know you've got some dr*gs.

Come on.

Stop, stop.

What are we doing? Look at us.

We're b*ating a man because he didn't have heroin to give us.

What happened?

This is that slippery slope I was telling you about.

You were supposed to be my moral compass.

You're a moron compass.

Let's get out of here.

Out of here.

Kevin: You know what I always want about hot dogs?

It's the texture, it's like meat has already been chewed for you.

You don't have to do any of the work.

Hey, where the hell's our guy?

Relax.

He didn't wanna get recognized, so I lent him some clothes to change into.

An orthodox Jew in your dingy clothes?

He's gonna look like every other hipster in Brooklyn.

All right. I'm gonna go see what that d*ck-licker Johnny Praline is up to.

Hey.

Unrecognizable.

You look very fetching.

I think so too.

Yeah.

So, hey, listen, I signed you up under a pseudonym, just to be safe. Yeah.

Very smart.

Then, what'd you use?

Johnny: Excuse me.

You the one they call a**l Bead?

You're a putz.

sh**t, no.

It was supposed to say Animal Beard.

My penmanship's a little tight.

I'm Johnny Praline, defending champion.

All right.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop by and introduce myself.

Good luck. It's anyone's game.

I'll catch you on the flip-flop. Good enough.

All right, see you later.

What a nice guy.

A mensch.

I didn't expect that in competition.

Unbelievable, unbelievable.

Anyway, are you ready for this?

Yeah.

I had a lot of knishes on the way here.

This shouldn't have been.

That's all in the past now.

Not really, but...

You don't have to worry about it.

You're stomach is gonna do all the work.

I will be on the sidelines rooting for you the whole time.

Let's go. I feel like Mr. Miyagi.

Announcer: Well, the contestants are taking their spots on the stage as the 32nd annual Oinky's Hot Dog Invitational is about to get underway.

Of course, defending his title is Johnny Praline.

And with the recent passing of Hiro Tamagachi, I would say Praline is the frontrunner.

Three, two, one, go!

Announcer: And they're off.

Praline's got his game face on.

He has come out of the gate strong.

Praline is using his two-dogs-on-a-leash technique that won him gold last year.

But it looks like newcomer a**l Bead is giving Praline a run for his money.

It almost looks like a**l Bead is using the same stomach-squeezing technique as the late, great Hiro Tamagachi.

And now, this competition...

Wait a second.

A man in the sidelines is inhaling some hotdogs.

He's pulling ahead of everyone.

Announcer: It seems like this competitor is adopting the fat-slob-shoveling-food down-his-gullet technique.

Now, I'm getting word that this guy has taken down three full buckets of refill dogs.

Announcer 2: That's about 60 hot dogs.

Announcer: And if that's the case, this contest has just met its dark horse.

Announcer 2: The immersions of the spectator is thrilling.

It's like when Seabiscuit popped out of the crowd, won 1940 Santa Anita Handicap.

(Alarm sounds)

Timer: All right, times up. Stop eating.

We have a winner.

Winner!

Announcer: There you have it.

At 75 hot dogs, a complete unknown has won the Oinky's 32nd Annual Hotdog Invitational.

What happened?

Why did you guys all stopped eating?

Hey, schmuck.

Yeah?

I renounced my most sacred religious beliefs because you told me I was helping the ghost of the man who saved my life find peace.

It was an accident. I binge eat when I'm nervous.

And then, you...!

I know, I'm sorry.

I screwed up. I screwed up.

Menachem, I'm sorry.

Menachem, Menachem.

Menachem.

Tamagachi, what just happened?

Are you serious?

You won. You set a world record.

I am so sorry.

I don't want this.

No, no, no, it's okay.

Watching you eat was like watching Michelangelo paint the Sistine Chapel.

Besides, it was never really about me winning.

It was about that ass clown Johnny Praline losing.

You know, for the first time in my life, it is my heart that is full.

Roofie: I'm proud of you, man.

You got 25 bucks the old fashioned way.

Miss Morphine gave you a glowing review.

Sounds like good day to me.

And, Roofie, I set a world record, man.

I can't believe that.

Oh, I took a 25 bucks and got that traveler's check.

Good, give me, give me. I'm not sure why.

It's part of my counter-power-play move with Camomile.

Yeah. Are you sure that's the best move?

Roofie, trust me.

It's the only move I have left.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the Vomitable Snowman.

Enough with the pleasantries.

I'm here for one thing and one thing only.

If you're here for the séance, you missed it.

Oh, the séance? Yeah, how did that go?

They loved me.

James McAvoy even showed up.

Wow, and the ghost, he was satisfied?

The spirit of Vesuvius was more than satisfied.

No, no, no.

Do you know up and down?

He doesn't seem happy.

What are you talking about?

All he wanted was for his final piece to be hung right-side-up by this imbeciles.

He's an avant-garde-ist.

He's missunders...

You know what, I de-gress.

As always.

I'm here to talk about the dry-cleaning bill.

Check.

A traveler's check?

Yes, I'm in between banks right now, but I wanted to have a check so I could come here and say, check.

As in, I'm onto you and your little game and I'm winning, I think.

Like chess, right?

No. What? No.

Check mate.

No. What beats check mate?

What beats check mate? A flush?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

Why didn't I just say check mate?

You wanna do this?

Yes.

What's this?

Go.

My favorite masterpiece.

Right side.