01x05 - Out-Of-Body Issues

[bunniefuu]

Woman: Previously on Deadbeat...

Ghost stick around when they have unfinished business.

Finishing unfinished business is my business.

Camomile: What else do we know about this guy?

It seems he's fashioned himself a little ghost hut out of a newsstand.

What are you scheming?

Camomile White.

Hi.

Would you like to go out sometime?

That's not what I thought you'd say.

Do you want to take my number?

Oh.

Call me when you want to...

(Grunting) play. Call me.

(Theme music playing)

(Mysterious theme playing)

I don't get why she hasn't called me back.

I mean, I have certainly left her enough voice messages to let her know I'm still interested.

Look, why don't you just break into her apartment and wear all her clothes and wait for her?

I do know where she lives.

Look, just play it cool, you know?

People love what they can't have.

And that's the principle. It's the same business with pa-chank.

You can never try to impress a femmie.

That's why I let them impress me.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Excuse me. Is this your place?

I'm here 'cause I heard you deal with ghosts.

Yeah, he's the best.

I am the best.

I work over at the United States of Apparel on Lex.

It's that clothing store. I think it might be haunted.

Uh, I'm sorry. Are you asking me questions?

Or...

No, that's the way she talks.

Oh.

Look, look. Sorry about him.

I got to get back to my shift, but can you take the case or not?

I can't pay you money, but I can probably give you some merchandise left over from last season.

Listen, I can't afford to do any more cases where I don't get paid in money for.

You know what... I know somebody that can flip that merch into cash.

Oh, all right.

So can you come with me right now?

We on it, we on it.

We on it.

We on it, baby. It's a ghost.

Hey, you know what? I think you should let me come with you on this case. Could be like a ride along.

Ah, I see what's going on here, man.

You are head over heels for this girl.

No, no. That's not what it is. I want to see, actually, what my best friend does on this job, you know?

Oh, do you?

Yes, yes.

Okay, let's go.

(Mysterious theme playing)

Oh, my God. I hate myself.

Oh, come on, man. These hoes are pros, man, these skinny girls.

Actually, all these poses are of girls that are employees or former employees.

Word?

Oh, my God. So I'm guessing this is you.

Ha, ha, ha. It's from the spring 2014 line.

Your ass is from the spring 2014 line?

The sock, silly.

Oh. I'll take that too.

(Mysterious theme playing)

Hey there, doll face. I see you.

Woman: What a weirdo.

What?

Okay. Let's get you in here.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Yeah.

Thought maybe you would like a little privacy.

Oh, pardon me, where are my mannerisms?

My name is Kevin, and I help ghosts.

Even ghosts like you who have taken up root in, let's be honest, in extraordinarily realistic vessels like this.

You know like, 90 percent human basically.

It's almost as if no one could fault a guy for getting confused and... inserting myself into you.

I just so happen I have one of these pre-lubes, so you don't have to do any of the work.

Lot of diseases out there.

I just...

Oh! Ah! Ha, ha, ha!

Dude, what is your damage?

I had to get you out of there somehow. Look, it worked.

Wait, how... how can you hear me?

Like I said to your mannequin, I'm Kevin.

I help ghosts, all right? So let's rap, let's jive.

Tell what you're doing here. What's your name?

Why are you haunting this store?

My name is Alice.

I was just a girl from Bumblefork, Iowa.

I moved to New York City with big eyes and a small waist and a medium-sized dream.

I wanted to be a model.

One day, the CEO of United States of Apparel, Reed Kelly, came in while I was working.

We started talking about tube tops, and he must've been really interested in what I had to say because he asked me out.

I went out with him, just the two of us.

And that's when it happened.

What? Oh. Oh, my God, did he... did he m*rder you?

Worse. He kept on telling me how beautiful I was and how hot I was making him, and...

Next thing I knew, I was stripped down to my underwear and he was taking pictures of me.

Oh, my God, he exploitered you.

Just like he exploitered every other girl in here.

No.

Those other girls, they got lucky.

What do you mean? What did he do?

He, uh...

He...

He didn't use my pictures.

He didn't...

Uh, ex-squeeze me?

Not on billboards, not in the store, not even in those pop-up ads during words with friends.

Calm down, calm down. I'm here to help, remember?

You are?

Yes.

It sounds like a piece of cake.

All I gotta do is meet with this CDO guy and make him use these photos, right?

Yeah.

But there's just one problem.

What?

Reed Kelly suffers from a debilitating case of cacomorphobia.

Oh, no. Oh, boy.

Is that the irrational fear of cocoa puffs?

Uh, no.

It's the fear of fat people.

Fear of fat...

Sorry.

Cacomor...? It sounds like cockomorphobia.

So it's not a fear of cocoa puffs, it's a fear of those who consume them irresponsibly.

Exactly. I have no idea how I get a meeting with this guy.

Look at me. How am I gonna pass myself off as thin?

I don't know, lose weight?

Oh, get serious, Roofie. Come on.

What about you? You're skinny. You can talk to the CDO.

Hey man, I would, but I got priors with N'Cole.

With N'Cole?

I knew it. I knew it, man.

I mean, do you even know a guy who can flip women's clothing into cash?

Or am I just gonna have to wear this stuff, like a fancy boy?

I'm sorry, Pac, but, man, this bitch could be the one.

You're really into this chick, huh?

Almost. But she's all stressed about this ghost thing.

Actually, you solving this could be major points for me.

All right, all right, I will. I'll do it.

I still have no idea how am I gonna get into his office.

I don't know, just, you know, like, wear something slimming.

Wear something slimming?

Something that makes you look thinner.

You know what? I think I have just the thing.

(Upbeat theme playing)

(Clears throat)

Can I help you?

(Speaks French)

I am Pierre L'Croissant, the very famous French fashion mongrel.

Perhaps you have heard of me.

I am arrived to see Reed Kelly.

I'm sorry, if you don't have an appointment, I can't let you in.

Do you really think that Pierre L'Croissant, the inventor of the cargo short, is accustomed to waiting for an appointment?

Do you really think you're passing for three skinny people and not just one fat guy with two fake black heads mounted on his shoulders?

Touché.

Okay, listen, I just need five minutes of Mr. Kelly's time.

It's about an employee who was terrorizing one of his stores.

It's a... it's a pretty young thing he had may have an indiscretion with.

I think he'll wanna hear about it.

Mr. Kelly, there's a Pierre L'Croissant here to see you, says it's urgent.

Quite fat, yeah.

Okay.

Thank you.

(Door buzzes open) Kelly: Mr. croissant.

Mr. croissant, please, please come in.

As a result of my involuntary repulsion towards people of considerable girth, I will have to conduct this meeting facing away from you.

I completely understand, good sir. The reason I'm here...

Oh. Stop, stop, stop.

What?

(Bleep) me.

What?

Even your voice sounds fat. Look, do me a favor.

Croissant, please there is a helium t*nk to your right.

Yeah, the pink one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I always keep it on deck. I have an obese FedEx guy.

Do me a favor, just give it a little toot.

A little suck on this?

Yeah, stop talking. Give it a little...

Okay.

(High voice): Ah. Okay, is that better?

Much.

Okay.

Thank you. I like that a lot.

Anyway, you were saying?

Yes, I was saying that...

I'm afraid one of your stores is being haunted by a former employee named Alice N.

She's a little peeved because you took some scandally type photos of her and then didn't use any of them.

(Sighs)

Son of a bitch.

I knew this would come back to bite me right in the d*ck.

Yeah. I know the girl you're talking about.

Yes, yes.

Got me. Okay.

And there's a reason, a perfectly good reason that I did nothing with those photos.

You see, I found out that Allison was in fact...

My daughter.

What?

Yeah.

From a one-night stand, years ago.

In middle school.

(Normal voice): Oh, my God.

Whoa, helium, helium. Helium.

Yeah, I got it right here.

(Gags)

(High voice): Okay, we're back to square one.

Oh, Jesus. Okay. Anyway, I'm sorry, but there's no way I could exploit my daughter.

I mean, what kind of a monster do you think I am?

Well, I will certainly tell Alice N.

She's gonna be a little disappointed.

Also, probably a little disturbed.

Okay, I'm sorry. Hold on.

Why do you keep saying her name that way?

What? Oh, Alice N? Because I know two Alices, and this is how I keep them different in my head.

This one is called Alice N, like new Alice, Alice New.

The other is Alice O for old...

Okay, hold on.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

I got it. Ha, ha, ha.

Wait a minute. Holy sh*t.

Wait a second. I thought you were saying Allison.

No. Alice...

Yes. Can you understand why I thought you were saying Allison?

Because when you say Alice N, Alice N, yeah.

It sounds like Allison.

Oh, I guess so.

Okay. This Alice girl.

This Alice "N", okay?

I don't... I don't know who... that's not my daughter.

No. Uh-uh. No, no, no.

She's probably just some girl from Bumble ( ), Iowa.

Uh, it's Bumblefork.

Whatever. Don't correct me.

Anyway, I will totally exploit this Alice girl.

Fantastic. Yeah.

That is great news. Uh, but what about your daughter?

The other Allison?

Let's just forget about her.

(Mysterious theme playing)

These are the photos from Reed.

Alice: Fat.

Fat. F.U.P.A.

Fat.

Bloated earlobe.

Melon groove.

Look at these rolls of fat on my side here.

Those are ribs.

Are these really all of them?

I think you look super-duper skinny in these.

Well, compared to you, maybe.

You're like one big human carbohydrate.

Hey. I happen to love my body for what it is, okay?

Well, aren't you lucky?

Yes.

What the hell?

Roofie? Are those kitty cats in your underwear?

Yo, what the hell? I thought you was dealing with the haunting.

I tried, I tried. There is just no pleasing this ghost.

She has got major body issues.

She doesn't even have a body anymore.

Look, please don't let me down, man.

N'Cole got some melon grooves a dude could get lost in.

I wanna help you with that, but I can't.

Hey, Please finish this, all right?

Yeah, okay.

Uhh.

(Sobbing)

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, girl.

Listen, I was thinking we could take those pictures and photoshop them to make you look as skinny as you want.

No, that would be cheating.

I mean, those photos are supposed to show my hard w ork and dedication to...

Oh, my God. I'm such an idiot.

Wait. Okay, those photos from the boat, those were taken before my tapeworm diet.

Before your what?

A few weeks after the photo-bang, I went down to Mexico and ingested a tapeworm.

For months, I could eat whatever I wanted and still lose weight.

I paid a pretty peso for it, but it was totally worth it, until it finally k*lled me.

Yeah.

Someone should probably put a warning on those things.

I know.

Anyway, what are you telling me this for?

Don't you see?

I mean, right before I d*ed, I was at my ideal body weight, but I don't have any pictures of it.

Not even a little selfie?

No, I was too weak to lift the camera.

Okay. I'm not gonna go dig up your corpse and take creepy pictures of it.

No, of course not.

Okay, good because...

No, those pictures should be sexy.

Yes. A... wait, what?

Sexy, but tasteful.

Oh.

(Dramatic theme playing)

Roofie: The things we do for pa-chank.

Kevin: Oh, the things you do for pa-chank.

I'm doing this for ill-fitting women's clothing.

From last season, no less.

What happened to the advice about the principle?

Never going out of your way to impress a femmie?

We're about to dig up a grave so you can get laid.

Roofie: The principle applies, okay? It's just complicated.

You gotta get a girl to a tipping point, right?

And you gotta do whatever to push her over the edge.

You sound like a real Reed Kelly right now.

Reed Kelly?

Yeah. You're exploitering me.

What? You think I wanna be here?

What? Oh, I don't know. You tell me, exploiterer.

Let's just get this over with.

Yeah.

(Dramatic theme playing)

Roofie: Yo, man, I'm freaked out, man.

I'm, like, wondering what's under here, like it's a model dead chick that's gonna pop up like tales from the crypt, like (Cackles)

What? No. She's only been dead for two weeks.

Probably an embalmed body takes months to decompose.

How do you even know that?

Because, Roofie, I know some stuff about some stuff, okay?

I don't ask you how much a quarter pound of weed weighs.

(Shovel hits casket)

Look. This is it.

(Suspenseful theme playing)

Okay.

Good. You ready?

Yeah.

All right, on the count of 30.

One...

Two...

Come on, man.

What? All right, okay.

(Both gasp)

She looks like a damn corpse.

Beautiful.

She was a handsome lady.

So, what should I do? Should I, like, try and make her smile?

No, give her the duck lips like everybody got on.

Oh. Oh, good. Good call.

Roofie: Ooh.

Oh!

Aw, nuts, I think I broke her jaw.

What's the matter with you?

I don't know.

My weight just shifted. I... let me see if I can fix it.

Oh, no, it's okay.

Dislocation. Just fix it, fix it.

All right. I got it.

There we go.

What is that?

(Hissing)

(Both screaming)

g*dd*mn it.

Oh, my God.

k*ll it, k*ll it, k*ll it!

Die!

k*ll it! k*ll it!

Oh, it's the Mexican tapeworm from the diet.

It's Medusa's cousin.

Okay, get the picture, get the picture.

Oh! God! So gross.

I'm gonna get the picture.

(Both screaming)

Kevin: Did you get it? Did you get it?

Roofie: I got it.

Kevin: Oh, good.

Alice: You're kidding me, right?

What do you mean?

You look so thin.

Yo, what's she saying?

Hold on.

Look at my hair and make-up in these.

I mean, what, was I styled by a mortician?

Well, yeah.

Not to mention I'm not wearing United States of Apparel in these.

They'll never put them up on the wall.

That was the whole point of this, remember?

I do, I do.

She's upset about the hair and makeup and clothing choices.

So she want us to go back to the cemetery, re-exhume her body, and go all extreme makeover on her ass?

(Both laugh)

Wait, wait, wait. That's actually a good idea.

Huh?

A makeover?

Roofie: Wait, what?

(Upbeat theme playing)

(Inaudible dialogue)

I don't know.

You don't know?

What don't you know?

Girl: Mommy, look.

I wanna look just like that girl when I grow up.

Did you hear that little girl?

What, the one that wants to grow up and look like a malnourished corpse? Yeah, I heard her.

My whole life, I've been taught by magazines and movies that being thin was what made me worth anything.

That girl might develop an eating disorder because of me.

It's me. I'm part of the problem.

Which means...

That I'm finally a real model.

(Alice laughs)

Yeah, that's it, that's what that means.

Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

Yes.

That's how you do it.

Now I can roll around and...

N'Cole: Hey!

What the hell's all of this?

Another ghost case solved, honey melon.

It was easy. All we had to do was convince Kelly to put up these photos.

Yeah, and he put it up over mine.

We through, Roofie. And you, you're not getting that leftover merchandise.

Oh, come on. Damn it.

This is...

I thought you didn't want the merchandise.

I didn't want the merchandise. But now that I can't have it, all I can think about is the...

The principle.

See?

It does play.

See?

I get it now. I see it crystal clear.

Crystal clear.

Gotta give you credit, man.

Hey.

Does kind of suck we didn't get anything from today though.

Hm. I mean, we got to... the facial was good.

The makeover thing, that was kind of cool.

The cucumbers and...

Uh, the baseball game was pretty good.

What day are you talking about?

Oh. Never mind.

That's another day. You're talking about today.

Today.

Today was good. Yeah.

Let's get manis and pedis.

Yeah, I'm starving.

I wonder if I have body issues.

I don't think so.

You definitely have body issues, little buddy.

(Laughs)

Look at you, you got such a weird body.

Well, I think maybe we should do a little acid and reward ourselves for a job well done. I think so.

Down the hatch. Ohh.

Hey, excuse me, Holmes?

(Mysterious theme playing)

Oh, come on. What are you? The ghost of the tapeworm?

Well, I'm out of here. Come on, man.

I'm just trying to get home to see mi familia in Mexico.

No, no, I'm not dealing with this.

I got a head full of acid.

Oh, come on, man, I can pay you.

I can pay you real good.

Oh.

Let's go, man.

I can't move on till I know they're okay.

Come on, cholo. Arriba.

(Latin dance theme playing)

(Ghost speaking Spanish)

(Cries)

(Ghost speaking Spanish)

Aah!