01x07 - Calamityville Horror

[bunniefuu]

You know who I am?

Yeah, you know who I am.

And I know who you are.

And I know you've got that missing girl.

(Dramatic theme playing)

Uhh!

1661 Oakwood Drive.

Montauk.

You're going away for a long time, dirt-face.

We got you on m*rder.

No. No, wait. I see... I see a girl.

She's there willingly.

It's some kind of weird sexual role-play.

Damn it. That's not even a crime.

Why would he hide that?

Wedding ring. He's married.

Adultery. That's a class B miz.

Hear that, slut-boy? You're looking at 30 days hard time in the clink.

Or a small fine.

This is going to be one rap on the wrist this perv won't enjoy.

Announcer: Coming up next, the news.

I miss Camomile.

Maybe I should just call her, right?

I'm just going to call her. I'm just going to call her.

You know? I'll call her up.

(Clears throat)

(Ghost gurgles)

Shh.

Camomile (On voice mail): This is Camomile White. Leave a message.

(Beep)

Hey, bitch. It...

(Moans softly)

Uh, sorry. That was my... that was my, uh... my barber.. shop quartet friends.

They were just leaving.

Uh, anyway, it's me, Kevin Pacalioglu again.

Uh, just calling to say, "what's up?"

And check in on you and just, uh, ask you the question,

"whatever happened to us?"

Just, you know, a simple question.

The elephant in the room.

Man: Another cave-in during construction of the Second Avenue subway line has workers threatening to strike.

Other lines will be shut down for precaution, so if you plan on traveling today, be safe out there.

And that is the reason I am not allowed in Applebee's anymore.

Any Applebee's. It's like a nationwide ban.

It's crazy.

(Sighs): So, you know, if you ever want to go out sometime, uh, give me a call. I'm around.

It's been way too long. Uh... speaking of things that are way too long, this voice mail is one of them.

Heh, heh. Fits into that category.

But you know what they say.

Long voice mail, uh... that was pretty good.

(Whimpers)

I'm going to call her again.

Shh.

(Line ringing)

Hey, bitch. I...

(Theme music playing)

(Mysterious theme playing)

Hey!

Thanks for only being an hour late.

Yeah, my pleasure, man. Can't wait to start the ransacking.

What the hell is that helmet?

It's my viking helmet, for the ransacking.

You know, for the pillaging.

Man, for the last time, there's not gonna be no ransacking or pillaging.

I bought a house in foreclosure for dirt cheap.

We're gonna spruce it up, put it back on the market for more than I bought it.

Yeah, but I can still keep all the goodies I ransacked?

Hell, yeah, you can. Just get rid of that helmet.

If anything, you're more of a scavenger, not a viking.

Okay. I can work with that.

You can work with that?

But can you work with this?

Oh. Is that what I think it is?

Yup. Pot chocolates.

They make your day more fun, you know?

I don't know, Roofie. You and I don't do so well with edibles.

You know what? They're not supposed to be that strong.

No?

Nah.

You know you like it.

Just a couple squares.

Now, this is the house.

You own this?

It's like Silence of The Lambs up in this bitch.

I don't know. I think this bitch looks pretty sweet.

Yeah, but we'll have to put a lot of elbow grease in if we wanna sell it.

Yeah, or we could find some owners who are into it, you know, as is.

Oh, like a serial k*ller?

Yeah, or, like, a wizard.

Man, this don't look like none of the pictures on the site that I bought it on. Well, I don't know.

Wait a minute. You've never even been here?

No. I bought in on a site. Look, check it out.

There's no signal.

Must be a dead zone.

I gotta say, Roofie, honestly, I'm, uh...

I'm seeing about zero potential with this place altogether.

What are you talking about, man? Just use your imagination.

Once we clear all this stuff out, it'll be nice.

I'm not touching these dolls. These are creeping me out.

But this on the other hand. But this looks like a pretty sweet little... it's a tempur-pedic.

That is most definitely not a tempur-pedic.

Yeah it is. I'm scavenging this.

This is what scavenging is all about. Right here.

We gotta start somewhere. Come on.

It's light for a tempur-pedic.

It's heavy to me.

Oh, hey, Roofie.

Huh?

Remember those dolls we were talking about, like, two seconds ago?

Yeah.

Yeah, now there's, like, an identical set lined up out here in the hall.

Roofie: Aah! What?

Aah!

(Both scream)

Kevin: Okay. What is this?

(Dramatic theme plays)

(Mysterious theme playing)

Mine won't open!

Kevin: I know. Me, neither.

Man, I can't believe I bought a haunted house.

That's why it was so cheap.

You know what? I must be tripping.

Maybe that's it. Maybe we're still high from the chocolates.

You think so?

No. I was just saying that to make you feel better. This place is definitely haunted.

Oh, God. Come on, man. Look, look, look.

You're a medium. Use your medium skills.

Do something. Talk to the ghost. Find out what it wants.

I don't know, Roofie. Even if I find him, there's no guarantee he's gonna talk. Even if I do get him to talk, there's no guarantee that I'm gonna listen.

What? Could you please just talk to the ghost, okay?

What do you want, my soul or my money?

Stop, stop, stop. Calm down. Stop it.

Listen. Stop, stop. It's okay.

I'll do it. What are you gonna do?

We split up. Scooby Doo style.

I'm gonna find another way out of here.

Kevin: Okay. Good plan.

They're not taking me alive.

(Mysterious theme playing)

(Child laughs)

Hello, ghost?

Okay.

Way to go, house.

You have successfully freaked out my friend.

Really, really, really amazing. Great job.

Can't freak me out, though. No. I'm a professional.

I'm a professional at this.

Wanna come out and have a little one-on-one chat with me?

That'd be easy, huh?

But no, no. You wanna resort to these ice cream parlor tricks.

Look at this. Oldest one in the book.

Shutters on the windows are locked. Come on, piece of cake.

Piece of cake.

Unh. That is really hooked on there tight, huh?

(Suspenseful theme playing)

Piece of cake!

Unh! Oh! Oh!

Oh. Oh, my God. Did that actually just happen?

Oh, God. I think my ass is broken.

Oh, it was worth it.

It feels good to laugh. I needed that.

This floor is hard as a rock.

Yeah, no kidding.

My stupid wife, Julep, didn't want carpeting.

"Hardwood is classier."

Ohh. Was it too much to ask for a rug?

That's what I said. I keep telling her.

If we're gonna work on the house, it's gotta be practical.

Not this froufrou design crap.

Uhh!

Yeah. There is a lot of froufrou around here.

I'm definitely gonna talk to Roofie about that rug thing, because you could break your neck on a floor like this.

You know, I actually did break my neck on this floor.

Seriously?

I had this huge fight with my wife.

I got so upset, I slipped, I fell down the stairs.

(Neck cracks)

Ooh. Oh, both ways.

I didn't even get to finish the fight.

Oh, that is classic unfinished business you got there.

Ohh. What was the fight about? Anything juicy?

Honestly? What color to paint the kitchen.

Say, what if I were to help you win that fight by painting the kitchen whatever color you wanted?

Far out.

It is far out.

All right.

No. No, you...

I don't really get it, either.

(Suspenseful theme playing)

Oh!

Oh, geez!

What are you doing?

Yo, I couldn't find a way out.

But I found a screwdriver.

Maybe I can, like, get the door unhinged. What about you?

Well, speaking of unhinged, I met the ghost. His name is Jack.

He wants me to paint his kitchen this color of cream.

That sounds nice. Is he reasonable?

No, if I'm being totally honest. He's a bit of a loose canyon.

You mean, cannon. Like Nick, right?

No. Like the grand.

Wait, that doesn't make any sense.

Loose canyon. Any moment the rocks could just give way... rocks?

Like a Cannon.

Just, look, forget the cannon.

You work on the kitchen, I'll go figure out how to get this door unhinged.

Deal. Excuse me.

(Mysterious theme playing)

(Sniffing)

If you're gonna paint the kitchen any color, it should be fuschia.

Fuschia? Oh, you're the wife. Julep.

You're the one who got Jack so upset he fell down the stairs, right?

Is that what Jack told you? He fell down because of me?

Did he mention he only fell down the stairs after he stabbed me in the chest 47 times?

What? No. He most certainly did not mention that.

Also, 47 times? That seems really, like, unnecessary.

The first few didn't take.

Well, Julep, if I may be so bold, you don't look a s*ab wound over 20.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Wanna sniff?

(Child crying)

What are you doing?

I'm, uh, painting the kitchen fuschia.

But that's Julep's choice.

Yeah, well, I met her, okay?

And she told me that you, like, stabbed her in the chest 47 times.

Is that what she told you? I stabbed her?

She did.

Did she mention that I only stabbed her after she tried to poison me?

No. What?

Yup.

The kitchen paint dispute had reached a climax.

She was so desperate to get rid of me that she poisoned my afterwork seltzer.

My God. How did you know that it was poisoned?

It's just a feeling I had, I mean, in my gut.

Also, the seltzer was pretty brown.

Okay, I got it. So you snapped, you felt betrayed, you grabbed a Kn*fe and... a screwdriver.

I was just trying to open a paint can.

Wow, you guys are a couple of whack jobs.

Okay, I'm gonna go and paint that kitchen fuschia.

No way.

Yes. Let me do it. It's temporary, so your wife will be happy and move into her light. Okay?

Then I'll go back and paint it cream for you.

Then you'll be happy. Then I can get out of this godforsaken house, paint the town red with Roofie, call it a night.

It's a win, win, win.

What?

What?

You've woken the beast.

Uh-oh.

You were gonna lie to me?

No, I...

Yeah. Yes. Okay, I was being shifty. I'm sorry.

But, lady, you kind of forgot to mention that you were gonna poison your husband.

If he had just painted the kitchen fuschia like I asked, none of this would've happened.

Stop it with the fuschia.

What are we, a band of circus performers?

Oh, and beige is a much more refined choice.

It was not beige. Cream.

What's the difference between the two?

No difference. That's the point. It's just cream.

It doesn't need a fancy name.

There is nothing remarkable about cream.

It is the color of your mother's kitchen.

My mother's kitchen?

Your mother's looks like a goddamned gypsy cart.

Whoa. Okay, guys, hey, I'm just gonna say from experience, let's leave the moms and the gypsies out of this, okay?

Let me tell you something about fuschia, okay, Jack?

Fuschia is spontaneous. It's sexy. It's free.

Fuschia is fine the first time you see it.

But not when you come home, and you have to have it as*ault your senses every day for 30 years!

Unlike cream, who sits in the corner at the cocktail party and makes no attempt at conversation with anybody.

Cream, you don't have to explain to your friends.

It's warm, it's safe. I like cream!

Okay, let me make a little suggestion, if I may.

Robin's egg blue. Super hip right now.

Both: Shut up!

(Rumbling)

Oh, my God. I just finished my last seven years.

(Mysterious theme playing)

Okay, well, I am glad you two calmed down because you were breaking a lot of stuff I was gonna scavenge.

What?

So let's start. Ahem.

I have a hunch that you guys are having a problem moving on, because we need to fix this marriage, so why don't we try a little role playing. Okay?

I will be playing, obviously, the role of the marriage counselor.

You two can play whatever parts you want, you know?

Pilot, veterinarian, lady plumber.

Why don't we just play husband and wife?

Oh, my God, that's a good idea. Yes. Thank you for that.

Actually, that would help me a lot with my thing.

You know, being a marriage counselor.

(Child laughing)

Hello, ghost?

I'm trying real hard not to be the scared black guy in a haunted house. Okay?

(Suspenseful theme playing)

(Child laughing)

(Screaming)

Okay. You two were obviously very much in love at one point.

Let's start there.

It was a long time ago.

It was easier to be in love back then. It was the '50s.

The McCarthy years.

Kevin: Yeah.

Something obviously kept you guys together. What was that?

The only thing that kept us together, honestly, was Brianne.

Who?

Our daughter.

(Suspenseful theme playing)

Rose petals?

(Child screams) (Screams)

Oh, yeah, right, your daughter.

I did see the little girl's room before.

You know, with all the dolls.

She was no little girl. She was 30 years old.

30?

She's (Bleep) 30?

She was a little eccentric.

She was a weirdo.

30 years old, didn't have a boyfriend.

Spent all day inside, playing with her dolls.

She was shy.

You never gave her a chance to express herself.

(Suspenseful theme playing)

(Slurping)

Can I just ask you something? What do you mean, she was shy?

My wife k*lled her.

What?

Oh, that is not fair.

She came home the night of the incident.

She saw us dead, she called the cops... she tried to call the cops, she could barely speak, she grabbed the first drink she could find, the seltzer.

The one she...?

With the poison in it?

From when Julep tried to poison me earlier.

Oh, yeah, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, got it. Okay. Good.

No, that's a really effed-up story.

She's gotta be pretty pissed with you guys.

(Roofie moaning)

What was that?

Sounded like a man orgasming.

Or it could be somebody dying.

Roofie! Hey!

(Mysterious theme playing)

Roofie! Hey! Roofie!

What the hell is going on, man? I got this, like, ghost blowjob or handjob or energy job. I don't know what's going on.

It just got kind of weird.

You're being held hostage by a creepy ghost chick.

What? Is she hot?

Yeah.

Brianne, put that down.

Right now, young lady.

No, it's fine. He's my boyfriend.

I just need to k*ll him so he can, you know, see me and then we can be together.

No, don't k*ll him.

What?

He's not your boyfriend.

You just met him.

You think once he sees me, he won't be interested?

What? No.

You can't jump into something serious with someone you barely know.

But I do know him. We were intimate.

I'm just gonna jump in here for a quick second and say that the rate I quoted you earlier was for couples' counseling.

This is technically family counseling now.

So it's gonna... Brianne, listen.

You don't wanna tie yourself down to the first guy you fall for.

You'll regret it your entire afterlife.

Your mother's right. Thirty years from now, you'll be trapped in a loveless marriage.

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

Because from my point of view, it's just a bunch of silence, and I got this screwdriver pointing at me.

What's going on is, a few minutes ago I was making real progress with this couple, and now they're talking about being trapped in a loveless marriage.

What happened?

Just tell them to get a divorce.

That's not an option.

What would people say?

They're concerned about the social concussions of getting a divorce.

I guess it wasn't as common back then.

Tell them now it's less common for people not to get a divorce.

Really?

What?

Jack, I think I want a divorce.

You do?

I'm sorry. When we first met, you had just come back from the w*r and I looked at you as this adventurous hero.

You were the first woman I'd seen in, like, three years.

I guess it wasn't enough, was it?

I'm sorry I tried to poison you.

I'm sorry I stabbed you in the chest a couple of times.

Forty-seven times.

Forty-seven?

Yeah.

No hard feelings?

(Upbeat theme playing)

I can't believe it.

Oh, no, no, don't worry.

I think it all goes to the same place.

I mean, they didn't even say goodbye to me.

Oh.

It makes sense.

I'm 30, living at home, single.

Again, maybe that was a little weird back in the '80s, but nowadays that's pretty standard.

Really?

Yeah. Plus, you got this really cool... doll collection that you keep.

And, uh, look at you. You're a catch.

(Upbeat theme playing)

Okay. They're gone. So... you okay?

I don't know, man. I feel kind of violated.

But, like, in a good way.

Oh, yeah? What did it feel like?

It was like having sex with a jacuzzi jet with no jacuzzi.

Nice.

(Both groaning)

Man. So happy to be out of the haunted house.

That place sucked.

Too bad you didn't get to scavenge anything.

I wouldn't say I didn't get anything.

I got this awesome viking helmet.

You came here with that.

I did?

What about you? You get anything?

Nah, man, you know what? I'm done.

This place got bad vibes. I'm out.

Yeah? You got smart. Let's get something to eat.

All right.

I'm gonna eat, like, 17 burritos.

(Child laughing)

(Theme music playing)