01x03 - A p*rn Star Is Born

[bunniefuu]

(laughing)

I like you, Amy.

I like you, too.

Yeah?

Yeah.

In fact, I thought maybe we could... have a sleepover tonight.

A sleepover?

Yeah, a sleepover.

Is that something that you would be into?

Yeah, I would totally be into that.

Yeah?

I did want to tell you something, before we go any further, and it may be like a total dealbreaker and I won't judge you either way, I promise.

I'm sure it's fine.

What is it?

I... have AIDS.

Amy?

What's up?

Did you hear what I just said?

Oh, did you say something?

Did you hear what I said and you're pretending you didn't so you don't have to actually, like, talk about--

Do you have AIDS?

Yeah, I do.

Okay...

Is that a dealbreaker for you, or...

No, no, no, no, no.

No! No, no!

I keep saying no.

That's true.

No, that's not a deal breaker.

Oh my God, AIDS? That?

No, that's great.

No, it's not great.

I'm not saying, like, that's great.

I just, like-- Actually, you know what?

It makes me more confident in our relationship.

You know?

'Cause I just--

Like, I really, I really like you, I don't know.

I don't know what I'm saying, ahh.

Like what kind of AIDS?

HIV?

Uh, no-- Full-blown--

Full-blown AIDS.

Oh, like the virus that causes AIDS?

No, it already caused it.

Oh, thank you.

For what?

For being honest about your... AIDS, and the state it's in.

I don't know what I'm saying.

I want you to know that it doesn't bother me at all.

It doesn't bother me at all that you have it, and my dad has psoriasis, so I get it.

Amy, are you okay with this?

It's-- it's really fine if you're not.

Um...

Actually, I think I am okay with it.

I think I really am.

Sorry, I kinda-- Had a moment there.

I mean, people do this.

If we just use protection and, you know, don't, like, share needles, then we should be fine.

You are so high-maintenance, my God.

Garçon, the lady will have her own needle.

Please.

Shut up.

Are-- are we okay?

Yeah, yeah.

We are, we're okay.

God, I think it's kind of cool, it's kind of badass.

Like, the '90s are back.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do you go to, like, a lot of events?

No, I go to a lot of doctors.

Yeah, well.

Cheers.

AIDS.

What?

Mmm, this is really good.

This wine will actually go amazing with this cayenne chocolate torte that they have.

That does sound amazing, I can't have that.

I have a gluten allergy.

So that torte would be, like, my AIDS.

Oh, are you going to the bathroom?

Is this AIDS-related?

Full disclosure, I didn't see "Philadelphia," but I did see "Gia," and, like, the tail end of "Precious," so I feel prepared to help.

No, I'm leaving.

I'm sorry, I'm a total foodie and I think that gluten allergies are just bull (bleep).

Later, Amy.

I-- I think you're forgetting who has AIDS here.

You have AIDS here.

What?

'Cause I mean we all just are such liars when we start dating somebody, right?

I'm such a liar when I start dating a guy.

I'm just like, super cool new girl.

I'm the best.

I'm like, yes, I want to hear about your fantasy football team, of course.

Don't leave anything out.

Do I want to have a threesome?

Definitely, I've always wondered about that.

Girls are so soft.

Lies.

And guys want to believe it, so they just buy it.

They're like, where have you been?

I'm like, I'm here now.

I'm like, let me just sweep this crazy under the rug for a couple months.

You don't need to-- need to see this yet.

Nothing to see here.

It's gonna be a big surprise month three after I have some whiskey.

I'll tell you I hate your sisters.

♪

His name is Ernst Brentwhistle.

Tech billionaire and covert arms dealer.

And we have one sh*t to bring him in, and you two are the best of the best.

Your codenames for this op are Cross Bolt and Butter Face.

Cross Bolt, you're my point man.

I need you to take out the guards and acquire the target.

Now, we want him alive if possible, but you are a go to use lethal force if necessary.

Butter Face, you're running a classic distract and capture.

You'll have a chance meeting with Brentwhistle when you run into him at the party he's having in his hotel.

On it.

Arouse his interest, take him back to his penthouse, and that's when you'll get started making dinner for him.

Make him a casserole, a meatloaf, your call.

Something with a protein and a vegetable.

Don't go crazy, cook something you know.

That's when I poison him, right, sir?

Slow down, Butter Face.

Cross Bolt, while Butter Face has him distracted in the kitchen, you'll rappel down the building into the living room and that's where you'll find the hard drive.

Sweet.

It will be sweet.

Rappelling is awesome.

Butter Face, when you are sure that Cross Bolt has the drive, I want you to lure him into the bedroom and you are a go to give him a (bleep) job.

Uh, sir?

I'm capable of hacking into the mainframe of a nuclear submarine.

We don't need anything that drastic, the (bleep) job will do just fine.

Now we'll-- I'm sorry, I'm just--

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this, sir.

Don't worry.

There'll be plenty of hidden cameras.

We will be right there with you the whole time.

Literally, the entire agency will be watching.

My dad works here.

Come on, you can do this.

Shut up, Dennis.

All right, under the table, you'll find a duffel and in it, your specialized equipment.

Laser nunchakus.

There's just a scrunchie in here.

That's to hold your hair back, and remember, no teeth.

All right, team, let's go.

Operation Enduring Mouth begins now.

(Amy) Amy One, clear.

♪

Ow.

Cross Bolt, on behalf of a grateful nation, I present you with the highest top secret award in existence.

The titanium star.

Butter Face... feel free to keep that scrunchie.

Hey, maybe next time you could do a cool mission like I just did.

Get your-- (bleep)

Bitch.

Would you take a d*ck for a green card?

Depends.

This is America.

It depends.

They should just ask that.

No citizenship test.

Exactly, yes.

Who cares who the 30th president was?

Right.

I will take a d*ck for this country.

Yes, that's how much I love America.

♪

I feel like I'm sweating.

Somebody tell me if I'm sweating and somebody needs to come up and--

(woman) You're good.

Thank you.

I love the loud girls, like so--

You're gorgeous.

I asked them to seat people who look like you back there so I have my self-esteem intact.

What'd you say?

How do you get a ticket?

How do you get a ticket?

What do you mean, you're here-- Oh, I was like, she's so--

She's so pretty, like, no one's ever been, like, you're dumb, but...

And you.

He's like the nicest Muppet.

Lumberjack convention's in town.

You are adorable.

I want to know what you're hiding from.

You look like the cloud sweeper from "Care Bears" when he was a boy.

I'm psyched that you guys are so attractive and I know there's a beautiful man under all that (bleep).

♪

Oh my God, Brie, you dyed your hair.

It looks amazing.

Oh no, you're just being nice.

No, seriously, it looks great.

No, I tried to look like Kate Hudson, but ended up looking like a golden retriever's dingleberry.

But you, look at your cute little dress!

Little? I'm like a size 100 now.

Anyway, I paid like $2 for it.

It's probably made out of old Burger King crowns.

I look like a whore locked out of her apartment.

(Amy) Hi!

Amy!

Hi!

Hey!

I love your hat.

Are you drunk?

I look like an Armenian man.

People are trying to buy carpets from me.

Excuse me, when did you start working for NASA?

You're weightless.

(bleep) you, I'm a (bleep) cow.

Indian people are trying to worship me.

I sleep standing up in a field.

Fancy meeting you girls here.

Hey!

Of course, I see everyone when I look like Susan Boyle's toothbrush.

You look so pretty.

Uh, Miss Jessica, congrats on your big promotion, beyotch.

I'm gonna get fired in, like, two seconds.

No. I'm legally Ret*rded.

On my SATs, I just drew a picture of a house on the first page and ate the rest.

Lindsay! Congratulations!

Please, come on, guys.

The father's anybody's guess and I'm 1,000 years old.

I mean, I bet this thing is gonna fall out and be an old cobweb.

You are gonna be the best mom ever.

I just want to, like, crawl in your (bleep) and have you give birth to me.

Good luck trying to nurse on this shriveled-up spaghetti squash, ugh.

Your tits make Katy Perry's look like the Holocaust.

That's so true.

They do.

Perky.

They do.

Is that Amanda? Amanda!

Hi!

Hey!

(all) Hey!

I love your jacket!

Thank you.

♪

(screaming)

(man) Oh my God!

Oh no!

Watch out! (glass shattering)

(woman screaming)

(phone alert)

Yay, one new Twitter follower!

Okay, give me a compliment, but like, that you don't mean it, like, in a passive- aggressive way.

I could see that hat on you.

You don't have a big butt.

Yeah.

Yes, I do.

Oh yeah, you do, you do.

Good for you.

I have an ass on me, too.

Yeah, I saw.

Thank you.

So how old are you?

38.

You are?

God, I really couldn't tell that.

You look like you just came out of high school yourself.

Yeah, I mean, I--

I like to be told I look like a fetus.

Yeah, like, I'm really impressed with your outfit.

Thank you very much, I like yours as well.

No, come on, you're just saying that.

I was just being nice.

Yeah, I look like I just walked out of a soup kitchen.

♪

What's your favorite type of p*rn?

I've been watching a casting-couch one.

I don't know, I mean, I usually go for the Asian ones.

Oh man, that is so typical.

The titles are more interesting than the p*rn themselves.

Like, um, "Schindler's Fist"?

That's what I'm doing with my BA in Theater.

What kind, what's your favorite right now?

Are you, like, at a phase?

Nice, black, petite women, things like that.

Yeah?

Do you like a girl who's petite but then has ass for weeks?

I like 'em petite, I don't know about the ass for weeks.

How petite?

Like, um, like a miniature horse?

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(snorting)

Cocaine is the cat's pajamas!

Ding-dong!

♪
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If you had to change something about yourself, what would it be, physically?

My feet.

Why, what's wrong with your feet?

My toes are short and stumpy.

They are? Like how short and stumpy?

Like short--

Oh God, I can see through your boot, they're disgusting!

♪

So Sharon, you are a plastic surgeon.

Yes.

And how many years have you been practicing?

I've been in New York City practicing for about 12, 13 years.

At what point do you stop calling it "practice"?

That's a good question.

Okay, my breasts.

Mm-hmm.

How big would you let me get them?

I would say, are you looking for something beyond a natural size, which I call supernatural?

I think I want to be in between Precious and Dolly Parton.

So you're thinking large.

How about something in a Joy Behar?

D? D?

Double D.

Double D.

Sold!

Are you ever doing surgery and you're just like, "Ew!"

No.

Good.

That's good.

No.

When people get liposuction, where do they get it suctioned from?

Usually, I'll do bellies, love handles, muffin tops.

...men--

Is that a clinical term?

Like, do people say "muffin top"?

Yeah?

I like to say "flanks."

'Cause that's a steak.

What's the weirdest thing anyone's ever asked you to do?

I mean, has anyone ever been like, "I'm just dying for another nipple."

No.

Okay, would you do that?

No.

Okay, okay.

I was asking for a friend, that's not something I'm interested in.

What if I wanted square nipples?

I would say... no.

Okay.

What did I just hear about getting injections into your clitoris?

It was popular in LA.

I missed it? I missed the clit wave?

What happened?

Maybe.

In your-- Why? To make it bigger?

Potentially-- To make it bigger.

It will always make it bigger.

Everybody wants more everything.

Potentially, that was to increase stimulation and--

But it probably accomplished that goal by helping the men more to find their way.

Oh yeah, let's help the men more.

I think I'm just gonna let myself go.

Just go out to pasture, you know?

I think I'm gonna wind up-- I know I'm gonna--

I drink, so I'll probably look like a baseball glove, but I'm just, like, I think--

I kind of feel like, (bleep) it.

No, you'll just see.

I mean, if you're bothered, then, you know, you may end up in my office.

I do wear sunscreen and I also date guys that don't pay attention to detail, so I can, you know, kind of age like (bleep) and cheat on them.

Do guys want penile implants?

Have you ever seen one?

Have I ever--

I saw one that was injected with a lot of silicone once when I was in residency.

It-- Like a salami.

So were you looking at it as--

Like, was it part of a class, or did you, like, go home with him?

No.

Do you guys do vaginal rejuvenation?

I do a little bit of vaginal rejuvenation, yes.

God.

That sounds like such a bummer.

We-- The most common thing that I'll treat is-- it's called virginal hypertrophy of the labia minora.

I'm Jewish.

Okay.

What does that have to do with it?

Oh, I thought you said "menorah".

The non-technical term is the inner lips of the vag*na.

Okay-- are they supposed to be on the inside?

I'm just kidding.

♪

Cocaine is the cat's pajamas!

Ding-dong!

(man) Cocaine again.

(man) That was happy as hell.

(woman) So easy.

(man) Mmm, magic!