02x05 - Allergic to Nuts

[bunniefuu]

I can't even stand the thought of a chicken in a cage.

I can't either.

I'm obsessed with almond butter.

Have you tried it?

It's so much better for you.

Like I didn't know peanuts are like dangerous.

Oh, my God, that is so sad.

Oh, my God, look at that.

(woman) How do you even become a stripper?

Oh, my God, it's like, what happened?

Something happened.

Oh, you know it.

It's like, I wish they could draw their self-worth from something else.

And there's other ways to make money.

Totally, yeah. Host at a restaurant.

I did it.

My God, for how long?

Oh, almost a month.

Yeah, I really got in there.

I mean, this just makes me really appreciate my relationship with my dad.

Oh, yes.

Our dad like loved us too much.

My dad's picking me up after my workout today and we're just gonna like walk.

That's a nice day.

I just feel like, like as women, just we're blessed with so much more than just our bodies, that to like not use that, like, you guys mind if I just stop talking for a second?

I just feel like I might cry.

Oh, my God, it's okay. I cried on my way here.

It's just like hard to look at that.

Yeah, it's so sad.

So sad.

Saddest.

(man) All right, b*tches!

Welcome to Body Pole Punk class.

Let's do it. Get on your poles!

Faces down, asses up!

Do it!

Whores! Whores!

You're all whores!

I feel like I never saw girls that looked like me on TV.

The only time was in those Dove soap commercials.

You know what I'm talking about?

The girls for Dove soap.

Those commercials, they would come out in their bra and underwear on camera, right?

And they were like my size, like size 6s, 8, 10.

And, uh, 12 at the holidays.

And...

And they would come out on camera, just like real unsure, just like deer in the headlights.

Just like...

(laughter)

♪ This is okay, right? ♪

(laughter)

♪ We're cool with it if you are ♪

We were all watching like, "We don't know if we're cool with it."

And the whole thing was just Dove patting themselves on the back, like, "Can you believe how brave we are "for putting these (bleep) dump trucks on television?

(laughter and applause)

Put me on the cross."

Their slogan was like, "Don't bite the hand that overfeeds you."

Okay.

♪♪

(phone vibrates and chimes)

Hello?

(woman on phone) Hi, Amy, you've got Dan, Allen, Isaac, Matt, Allie, Jen, and Russell.

(man on phone) There she is!

There's our girl.

Ames, what's shaking?

What'd you get into last night, girl?

Nothing much. Just hanging out.

(laughs hysterically) You k*ll me!

You k*ll me!

What's up, guys?

(man) We know you've been looking to make the transition to doing more off-camera work.

I never said that.

They want you for the next big animated kids' movie.

It's like "Charlie's Angels," but with meerkats!

Jessica Alba and Megan Fox have already signed to play the other two.

Uh, I'm in. I'm-- Yeah.

Awesome, we'll download you on the deets as soon as we circle back with Tad, Allen out.

As soon as you do what with who?

Hanging up.

Hello?

(phone beeps)

Bing.

(man) Welcome, Amy.

Are you thirsty? Are you hungry?

Did you find your snacks okay?

No, I brought this tea.

Okay, well, the snacks are here for when you need them.

Okay? Snacks.

Okay.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Hey, did Meg and Jess already do their stuff?

All right, let's just roll it.

Page one, scene one.

You'll hear a beep, you'll say your lines.

Okay, cool.

(audio playing back)

(beeping)

♪♪

I'm pretty and nice.

I'm sexy, but I love math.

Karate!

(loud thud)

(beeping)

(man) Okay, that was your cue.

Uh, we'll take it again.

Just, when you hear the beep, say the lines.

That one's me? (flatulence)

Yep, that's you.

Um, why doesn't my meerkat have any pants?

Our animation team is out of Japan, and they don't have anybody as big as Dumpy the Frumpy Meerkat over there, so they literally couldn't figure out how to make pants to fit on you.

They couldn't even, you know, fathom it.

But it's a cartoon.

They can't-- why couldn't they just draw pants?

It blew their minds.

They had no idea. They didn't see the point.

(long beep)

Worms.

Okay, we really need you to drop it down a bunch.

Like a whole bunch.

It's gotta be more like... (deep voice) "Worms!"

You know, like you really love worms and you're disgusting.

Tell you what, why don't we just have you do some wild feeding noises?

Can you find your snacks?

(munching and mumbling)

Okay, just give me one where you eat for a little bit and then you stop to (bleep) and then go back to eating again.

Paging Ms. Streep!

I mean, you are a star. You're k*lling this.

She is k*lling this, right?

No, no, no, I think we need to get me out of this.

Schumes, what are we talking about here, okay?

You are crushing this.

My character has a p*ssy.

Have you eaten any snacks?

Yes, I have my snacks.

I'm sensing you're not totally jazzed, but I think I have something that's gonna change your tune.

Amy, meet... your action figure.

(motor squeaking)

It's (bleep).

Yeah, the thing retails for $42.99.

You get 60% of the back end.

Worms!

(gobbling) (flatulence)

♪♪

What was your favorite cartoon growing up?

Well, movie, "Little Mermaid."

What character did you most connect to in "Little Mermaid"?

Oh, Ariel.

I connect most to Ursula, but that's something that I'm working on with my therapist on the Upper West Side.

♪♪

Hey, girls.

Janice, is that really you?

Uh-huh.

Wow, you look amazing.

You must have had 75 different expensive surgeries over the course of many years to get a great look like that.

Nope, I just called Dr. Ron and Cut 2 The Chase.

Aren't you tired of plastic surgeons who tell you to slow down or think about what you're doing, forcing you to undergo one surgery after another till you get the look you want?

Who has the time or money for that?

At Cut 2 The Chase, we do it all in just one affordable, apocalyptic procedure.

Would you like to look like a human-cat hybrid who eats bees?

Of course you would.

You have crippling body dysmorphia, and no one can talk sense into you.

(woman lisping) I used to hate people knowing if I was happy or sad.

Now my face and labia look the same.

Thanks, Dr. Ron.

My college-aged daughter is really cute, and that was threatening to me.

But now, my face is the one threatening her and all children.

Thanks, Dr. Ron.

When I was a human, I hated it.

Now I poop in sand.

Thanks, Dr. Ron.

(meows)

With my patented Hail Mary technique, I can perform five divorces' worth of surgery in one easy procedure.

Hmm.

Don't you owe it to yourself to look like you fell into a t*nk of chemicals while fighting Batman?

Come to Cut 2 The Chase and get your first and last procedure.

Cut 2 The Chase.

Because you're (bleep) shattered.

(meows)

♪♪

Who has good plastic surgery?

Lindsay Lohan, like has she had plastic surgery?

I don't know. 'Cause she looks amazing.

I'll always support LiLo, but like--

You guys call her LiLo.

Like I didn't even know that that was the thing.

That's her name.

We were actually just talking about this today.

We think she's making a comeback.

Really?

Yeah.

Like in what?

What celebrity do you know with plastic surgery that you're like, "Oh, that worked out."

Well, what celebrity probably doesn't have plastic surgery?

That's a good question.

You ask the hard--

Do you have plastic surgery?

I don't have any money. Are you serious?

I can't even get things removed.

♪♪

No, it's hard.

Yeah, well, that's why they call it charity work.

Because it's work.

It's work.

Good evening, ladies.

How are you doing tonight?

Really awesome.

So good.

My name is Devon, I'll be taking care of you.

Start you off with anything to drink?

Uh, water's fine.

Water's perfect.

Great, so we have a few specials in addition to the menu--

Listen, before the specials, I have to tell you I'm allergic to nuts.

My meal cannot have any nuts in it.

She's insanely allergic to nuts.

Got it, no nuts. Not a problem.

We accommodate allergies all the time.

I'll tell the chef.

No, I'm serious.

It can't have even been around nuts.

Cashews, pecans--

Pine nuts, peanuts.

Yeah, doughnuts, cronuts.

Almonds. Lalmonds.

Dalmonds.

I understand.

So our specials are--

Oh, actually, some of the bread might have some nuts in them.

Oh, my God!

Are you serious?

I can't believe this is happening!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

What is this?

Oh, my God, it's a nut!

It's a little nut!

What did we just say, Devon?

Is this (bleep) "Memento"?

Are you an f-ing goldfish, Devon?

Are we in your fish bowl?

Oh, look, a little plastic treasure chest.

(bleep) you, Devon!

Do you know what would happen to me if I ate that?

Her face will swell up, she will turn purple.

She will lose oxygen.

Have you seen "Gravity"?

I did.

Was that your favorite part, when they lost (bleep) oxygen, Devon?

Yes.

When I die, it'll be your fault.

You'll have to go to my mother's door with a folded American flag and say, "Thank you for her service.

I'm Devon, your daughter's k*ller."

Look, I'm really sorry about the bread.

I swear, I will make sure that your meal is nut-free.

Thank you so much.

Okay.

Uh, so our specials tonight.

I think I know what I want.

Oh, yeah, me too.

What do I want?

What do I want?

I'll have--

I'll have the nut-- Oh, no.

The arugula salad.

I'll have the arugula salad.

Are there nuts in that?

No.

(sighs)

But I will triple-check.

Nice job, Devon.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Aw, he's sweet.

Two arugula salads.

Are there any nuts in those?

Nope.

Great.

♪♪

(girls screaming)

No!

(shrieking)

No!

No!

What did we say?!

What did we say?!

Everything all right here?

No!

♪♪

Now, as we all know, gravity goes down, yes?

But if we all focus, sometimes gravity can make things go up.

Now, does anyone have a gum wrapper I could borrow?

Oh, I do.

Wonderful.

Thank you.

He is so hot.

Yeah, I'm not mad at that eyeliner either.

As we all can see, this gum wrapper is a rectangle, yes?

Now, if I fold it one more time, you see it turns into a square.

Now, here's the weird part.

If I were to unwrap this, the wrapper is right back to how it was.

Oh, my God.

Are these even tricks?

I'd like to use a lovely assistant.

Does anybody...?

Shut up!

I have the "lovely" part taken care of.

Oh, no.

Too hard?

Yeah.

No, I'd love to be your assistant.

Okay, here's what I want you to do.

I want you to tell me when to stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Okay.

Now tap this one time.

Okay, this is a story about a queen.

Aw.

Who dated a bunch of a-holes.

It really is your story.

Who didn't do Jack for her, okay?

Until one day, she found a guy who was too-- eight of clubs, give me that back-- who was 2 good to be true.

She finally found her King.

Does anybody have a pretzel?

Oh, wait, here's one.

In your nose.

Oh, wow.

Does anyone have a balloon?

I can't believe this.

I never thought this would happen, but--

What?

I'm gonna (bleep) a magician.

♪♪

What? How'd you do that?

I'm afraid that's Victoria's secret.

Ew.

Put this on.

Some people say no glove, no love.

However, quantum mechanics dictates--

Okay, can you just put it on, please?

Amy, you make me feel like an animal.

Okay. That's-- all right.

Enough, please. Just, can you--

Do you have an unlit match and a Canadian coin?

No, can you just stop with the magic?

Like we're naked, we're in my bed.

Like you did it.

I actually can't do it tonight.

Why?

'Cause there's something blocking my way.

What?

(grunts)

Oh, my God!

Oh, my-- ew, ew, ew.

All right, enough. No more magic.

Your wish is my command.

Let's still like a magic saying.

Oh.

Man, you're pregnant!

What?

No, I'm not.

Oh, my God.

I can feel it kicking!

Ew!

Josh, this is cra--

Josh?

(wind blowing)

Magic.

♪ He's a man of magic whoo, whoo ♪

Would you hook up with a magician?

No.

Have you ever seen a good magician?

Yes.

What did they do?

Um, well, they made my mother disappear, so it was kind of--

That sounds amazing.

Wait, is this like a sad story about Shanghai?

No, no, it's not.

Oh, okay.

♪♪

So, gentlemen, you are comedians for over 20 years now and you are my good friends.

And you're also the most morally bankrupt human beings on the planet, right?

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Yeah, that's true.

Let's talk about it.

Oh, one second. Over 40 years.

Oh, right. Are you Moms Mabley?

(laughter)

Keith, hit on me.

Like if I met you, what would you-- what would you do if we were just like at a bar.

What's up, sweetie? You good?

Yeah, I'm good.

No, he's talking to me, Florentine.

Talking to her!

Okay, I don't know you.

Yeah, there we go. How you doing?

I'm fine.

You fine?

That's what I'm talking about.

Okay, I'm gonna call the police.

You ever date a black man before?

(Kelly) I actually felt scared.

He's very uncouth, too.

I remember Marina Franklin, a friend of ours, one time, he was just saying stupid things about where he would take her, to Subway or Burger King for dinner--

When they were dating, right?

Yeah, and then they'd have to be in the car, and I'm not gonna get a hotel.

And she just said, "Who raised you?"

I thought it was the greatest thing ever.

"Who raised you?"

Well, I'm assuming just your mom.

No-- oh, you...

(laughter)

(knock on door)

Oh, wait, this might be Rachel.

We're just talking about what dirtbags these guys are.

Oh, they really are worthless.

They're really pieces--

In order, who would be the biggest piece of crap, in order?

I think you would be most traumatized by (bleep) Norton.

Oh, absolutely.

Right?

Probably.

But I wouldn't hit on you because you're like a comic.

I would never get you drunk and try to (bleep) you, but if we did have sex, you'd regret it.

(laughter)

Have you guys gotten a good amount of (bleep) from being a comic?

What?

What?

The only reason I get it.

Have you ever not-- Why do you think we do this?

You think we love the "art of comedy"?

Then why do we do it?

'Cause, like--

Yeah, no.

We've been asking the same question.

(laughter)

What would you rather do? Kiss, have sex, or blow?

With Keith.

How about "D," sit on his face and read my tweets?

(laughter)

I'll take that.

Even when Keith talks about sex, it's just stupid.

He's always going, "I got three pumps for you."

I can make her do what she needs to do in three pumps.

That's all I'm saying.

Fall asleep?

Like literally drool on herself?

Blow the whistle?

(laughter)

What do you think we're like in bed?

Like what do you think?

I think you both stink in bed.

Who would put out first out of these two?

(all) Amy!

How dare you?

I guarantee Rachel tries to give meaningful looks during sex.

Ew! That's disgusting.

She does this...

"Look at me, look at me.

Oh, Bobby."

(laughter)

Jim has several lines that he says works on any girl.

I would play some crummy gig in the middle of Pennsylvania, white-trash girl.

I'd go, "Hey, come out to my car."

We'd sit in the car.

I would just go, "Look, do you mind if I masturbate while we kiss?"

I'd go, "I got a long ride home. You don't have to touch it."

Nine out of ten times, within one minute, they had their hand or their mouth on it.

What woman gets jealous when they see a guy masturbating?

It's not like we're like, "Wait, there can be d*ck?"

That's not like an exciting prospect.

We all know the d*ck is available.

(Amy) We know there will be d*ck.

The psychology behind it is that you-- like we like vag*na.

If you took your boob out or your vag*na, we'd be like, "Oh, my God, we love that."

Thank you, thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

If you see a penis, you like that, too.

You're wrong. You're wrong.

When you see a penis, you don't go, "Wow, I wanna put it in my (bleep)?"

No.

Really?

That's why a d*ck pic is not exciting...

Yeah.

...to a woman.

No woman wants a d*ck pic.

That's wrong.

No, they're lying to you.

No. No.

No, the women he's talking about have penises, too.

So they're actually exchanging, exchanging d*ck pics.

They're comparing.

Oh, if only I could deny it.

(laughter)

♪♪

I'm trying to date guys that are not comedians, which is so hard.

I was hooking up with this guy the other day-- well, is it hooking up if you're just pushing their head down like you're trying to set off dynamite?

But...

Get!

Uh, so I was out with this civilian and... and he was like talking to me like I was a girl.

He was trying to use a line on me.

He's like, "Damn, girl, those eyes."

And I was like, "No."

He's like, "What?" I'm like, "Eh, like I'm 32.

"If my eyes were a thing, I would have heard about it by now, you know?"

And I'm like, "What are you going for?

"Like I'm gonna (bleep) you. You showed up.

That was half the battle."

♪♪

A magical story--

(laughs)

(laughs)

You all know that age-old story of the--

Just relax.

(laughs)

(laughs) ...in your nose.

In your nose. (laughs)

Maybe it's not.

(laughter)

Should we just cut this scene?

(whispers) Yes.

(woman) So easy.

♪ Magic ♪