02x06 - Down for Whatever

[bunniefuu]

Look at these innocent, furry miracles.

Right now, real animals are being neglected by me.

Hi, I'm Amy Schumer.

And these are the dozens of animals I never should have adopted.

Nobody's fault.

Long story short, I'm now legally considered a hoarder.

I mean, what do you expect?

I mean, they're cute as (bleep).

(Bleep).

Like what is this thing?

Like, what are you, an act one Gremlin?

You are a burden.

That's where you come in.

Call the number on your screen right now and just, just take a few of these things off my hands.

Like Walter, who only is nice to you when he needs something.

Nobody walks me, Walt.

This one I call Bait and Switch 'cause he used to be real cute and then he got bigger.

Not a Laugher.

Competitive Narcissist.

And let's just say this one, she doesn't have a warrior spirit.

Not Supportive.

Mama's Boy.

Spencer's actually cool.

He found my phone.

(whining)

I honestly don't want to have this conversation with you right now, but I will in front of everybody.

Jew.

Fat, But Owns It.

And Mrs. Wong is glib.

Time is running out.

My sister just spent her student loan check on an all-inclusive trip for the two of us to go to Turks and Caicos.

The excursions are not included.

And once I'm on that plane, the last thing I want to be worried about is this dog's water bowl or this turtle's survival.

Russell!

Get away from your sister.

Russell, you know you're not allowed near her!

If you call in the next 10 minutes, you'll receive this free T-shirt.

Okay?

10 minutes.

You're so (bleep) cute.

I want more of you!

But I don't.

♪

For like, 10 years, I've been on the road, just staying at the grossest places.

Like, not even a Comfort Inn.

Like, a-- I can't even see a Comfort Inn from where I'm standing.

It's like, a Comfort Western.

You know?

Just some like off-brand place where the sheets, like, hurt.

There's, like, a four-thread count.

It's BYO towels, just--

They're like, "Sorry, you should have called ahead".

You're just, like, shaking in the shower.

♪

(man) 75% of Americans believe there are events that cannot be explained.

Over half of them are celebrities.

Noises, shapes, shadows.

Hello?

Weird dolls.

Ghost hands.

Uh-oh.

Bye!

As a celebrity, I'm not superstitious, but I do assume that everything I don't understand is black magic.

This was the first vacation I booked since I got famous, so I wanted to treat myself to a fancy hotel.

(bell chimes)

(laughing)

Just having a bit of fun.

In the past, I've always stayed at motels where the door to my room opens directly to the parking lot, which is cool 'cause you can check on your car.

But this time, I was looking forward to being treated better than other people.

I don't have to tip 'cause I have this.

Bye.

Yes.

The first night, I met a really chill couple from the Keys, who, like me, were down for whatever.

We should go have sex with each other.

Then, at the last minute, they had a change of heart.

No hard feelings.

And if they change their mind, like, they know where I am.

In the morning, I woke up to a strange sound.

It was like...

(knocking)

(knocking continues)

It was like a door noise but on the other side... of the door.

What?

When I opened the door, a "USA Today" had appeared on the floor.

So I was like, um, "Okay, that's weird".

Like, now it's weird.

I was bugging out.

So I went into town to do a Segway tour and score some Caribbean Adderall.

When I get back, the first thing I notice is that my towel has been transformed into a swan.

And then I see that on top of my pillow is an even tinier pillow made entirely of chocolate.

And now I know there's a ghost.

I know.

I tested my ghost theory by dumping out all of the shampoo and drinking all of the bottles from the mini bar.

I remember thinking, like, "Let's see a ghost deal with this."

But then I bounced out and I ran into the guy who had sold me a shark tooth necklace.

And just crashed at his place.

It was cool.

He had a snake.

When I got back, I was almost too scared to open the door.

All the bottles were full again.

And the room was spotless.

I just broke down.

I called my personal life coach and psychic, Cheyakee.

There's a (bleep) swan here!

I've known Amy for 12 weeks and if she says she saw a ghost and agrees to fly me down business class, then guess what, she saw a ghost.

I know you're right, but it's just-- Shh! (knocking)

That's the door noise I told you about.

(woman) Mrs. Schumer!

What do you want with us, spirit?

(woman) Hello, housekeeping.

You're not welcome here!

(woman) Okay, thank you. I come back.

(screaming)

Oh God!

(Amy) I checked out that day.

I guess there are more forces out there than meets the eye.

And sometimes, those forces bring us swan towels.

♪

(man) She's beautiful, she's smart, she's sophisticated.

(woman) Sophisticated.

(man) She's your best friend.

(woman) Best friend.

(man) You can't picture your life without her.

Or can you?

A little bit.

Sometimes.

(woman) Occasionally.

(man) Give her the gift that keeps on giving... you more time.

(woman) Time.

We're proud to introduce our Stolen Years collection.

Because you're not sure and you probably never will be.

(woman) Stolen Years.

(man) A line of jewelry as gorgeous are her and as non-committal as you.

(woman) Who's that new chick in marketing?

(man) Stolen Years marks the precious days and months you're taking from her as you carelessly diddle time away, trying to figure out if she's the best you can do.

The Stolen Years collection.

Give her the gift that says forever.

I will keep you waiting for for-(bleep)-ever.

(woman) Forever.

♪

How did you propose?

I had a limo, picked her up, and took her down to the river, and dropped to a knee.

That's perfect, 'cause if she said no, you could have just dumped her body in there.

That's true.

What made you decide you wanted to get married-- propose?

My grandpa d*ed.

I was pretty down about it because I was close to my grandpa.

I recognized that, uh, if she was going to stick by me for that, be supportive, that's someone I wanted to be around for the rest of my life and...

Yeah.

Did you ever think that maybe she knew that and she k*lled your grandpa?

♪

Should anyone here know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Really?

Nobody's gonna object?

We're all just gonna let this happen?

What is the objection?

I didn't want to be a hero, but, you know what?

My ankle tattoo says "Carpe Diem".

Seize the carp.

So, fine.

Stop the wedding.

Amy, what the (bleep)?

What the (bleep) you, Sasha.

I'm gonna say it.

What are you talking about?

I was outside, bumming a smoke yesterday, after the free rehearsal dinner.

Thank you guys so much for that.

And I'm outside and I remember that I overheard something interesting that one of your bridesmaids told me.

Who? Which bridesmaid?

Okay, which one did I talk to yesterday?

Okay.

You asked me to help you find your car.

I said you shouldn't be driving because you seemed drunk.

No. Before that.

Before that, wiseass.

What-- No, what did you say?

You told me something really revealing about Chris.

Right?

What's your name?

Pam.

That's not it.

No. Sit down.

Right down.

Do not sit down.

(Amy) Sit down, Pam.

Don't sit down, Pam.

Sit down, Pam.

There's an elephant in the room, y'all, and it stanks!

Everybody wants you to stop.

You do, Chris.

But this side of the room has my back and so do other people.

I'm looking at you, Janine.

She told me also.

What are you talking about?

Grow up!

Janine gave me a piece of gum earlier.

She also dished some dirt too.

Are you done?

Are you done lying, Chris?

Don't forget, you hooked up with me in college.

That was me.

You're also a piece of (bleep).

No, I'm not.

Fair enough.

Only time will tell.

But for now, cat's out of the bag.

(meows)

Wake up.

Wake up, San Francisco.

What is she talking about?

I don't know.

I believe the answer to all your questions is right here.

I think I had written something down earlier about this.

Oh, I have gum.

Do you want this? You don't care.

Is there something you need to tell me?

Of course not, babe.

Okay.

Are you sure?

Okay, fine.

I'm gay, I (bleep) dudes.

That was it.

♪

What could you have found out about your wife last-minute that would have made you stop the wedding?

Maybe if a guy screamed out, "She's sucking my (bleep)!"

During, before she walked down--

Before she walked down.

"She just sucked my (bleep)!"

That would maybe be something that would stop the wedding.

But it's like, all those people are already there.

You know, they traveled.

Yeah.

And she's probably just nervous.

Like, when I'm nervous, I just like sucking (bleep), just like, oh my God--

Understandable.

You look nervous now?

You ever go to a wedding and you were just, like, looking around the room and you were like, "Someone please 'Homeland' this place?

"I'll die with the rest of the team.

These people need to go down?"

Uh.

Ish. Ish.

♪ ♪

(woman) "My Dream Breakup."

Amy, a high school graduate, is ready to change her relationship status with her boyfriend, Nick.

Hello, gorgeous.

Are you my breakup girl?

Yes, hi.

Hi, come here.

Nick and I have been dating for two-and-a-half years.

Nick is like, such a great guy, but I just, I know in my heart that I'm ready for something taller.

So let's talk general concept.

Have we given any thought to whether you want it to be a slow realization or a devastating blindside?

Um, I guess blindside feels more me.

You know what?

I knew you were going to say that.

I just get you.

You do.

Let's look at some venues, come on.

You know what?

I have an idea, Amy.

Let me tell you.

What do you think about tapas?

I love the small plates idea.

I think it's a great fit for you, Amy.

You know, it's low commitment, you can leave after the bacon-wrapped figs if you want, or if he's crying, you can stay for the croquettas!

Ooh, I love croquettas!

Then we're gonna have to make him cry.

You're such a natural.

Have you done this before?

No. No.

Everyone always breaks up with me.

Mom, one to 10?

♪

Mom.

When I divorced your father, I wore something more traditional.

This is my day!

Oh, sweetie.

No, you stop it.

You're ruining this!

(sighs)

Mom, can I talk to you for a second?

(crying) Why are you being mean?

That looks... great!

We have the dress!

(Amy) I watched my friends do this over and over again and now it's my turn.

Blessed.

(whispers) Hey.

Why are all these cameras here?

Nick, the times we shared can never be taken away from us.

What are you guys sh**ting?

But all things must run their course and in due time, even everything ends.

So Nick, today, I'd like to tell you that I am breaking up with you.

(mouthing words)

Go for Eduardo and Pilar.

Wait, what?

♪

We have tears.

Go for croquettas!

(man sings in Spanish)

Why the (bleep) is he singing?

No, I'm sorry, no.

These are from Spain.

(groaning)

Sweetie, I'm sorry, no singing, okay?

Lo siento.

But if I want to hear you sing, I will put a dollar in your (bleep) sombrero.

This is not the (bleep) "Voice".

Do I look like I'm in a spinny chair?

Please just follow instructions.

I have 200 of you.

I don't even know what to say right now.

I'm like, totally blindsided.

What is this?

Oh, you're giving me my stuff back in a gift bag?

Hey, (bleep) you, Amy.

Holy God!

Sweetie, you were amazing!

You did it, girl!

We did it.

It couldn't have been more perfect.

It was truly the breakup of my dreams and the best part-- now I have a new gay best friend.

Oh, I'm not gay. I'm gonna (bleep) her.

♪

What's the worst way you've ever been broken up with?

Well, it was like when I was younger.

Basically, she slept with like, a bunch of my friends and then dumped me.

It was pretty horrible.

Okay, breakup with me.

All right.

Hey, I can't wait for you to meet my mom this weekend.

Yeah.

Well, I've been thinking--

I (bleep) all your friends.

How do you get over an ex?

What do, what do you do?

I sleep with someone and then I regret it.

No, you distract yourself.

You eat, pray, eat.

That's what I do.

♪

So Downing, you are 106 years old.

I am.

What's your favorite part about being 100?

No condoms, right?

Well, I'm thankful for every day when you're 100, 'cause you know the end is near.

You know that.

I don't know.

I don't know, Downing.

You don't know it, but I do.

I think you're going to outlive everybody here.

Are you on Twitter?

No.

No, I don't know any of the new things.

I have very poor vision and my hearing is off.

Are your other senses heightened?

Like, can you smell that our sound guy smoked weed this morning?

Oh, heavens no.

Okay, cool.

You went to Towson.

I graduated in 1931.

Took a little business course.

That's where I went to.

I went to the same college as you.

I'm so pleased to hear that.

Yeah.

I went to Towson because when I visited, I won a drinking contest.

Oh, wonderful.

Yeah, I love Baltimore, but it definitely has its dangerous parts.

Did you ever watch the show "The Wire"?

Don't know enough about it, darling.

Okay.

Are you still a Baltimore girl?

I live in the Baltimore area.

I live in the Towson area in a retirement home.

Do you know anybody maybe at the home you can set me up?

Any, any eligible bachelors?

Did you ever get into a fistfight?

No, ma'am.

Yeah, me neither.

Never had a fistfight.

Well, be careful. This neighborhood isn't so good.

No.

What was the Great Depression like?

What do you remember of the Great Depression?

We were very, very careful about our food.

We would make a can of salmon last for two nights.

Wow.

And we liked it, you know?

We were saving.

That's how Comedy Central wishes I ate.

(laughing)

Right.

What are the changes you've seen for women with how they look?

Well, everybody's wearing pants.

And I--

Thank God.

I got into the first pair of pants in World w*r II and I thought we would never take them on as the usual garb, but we have.

Yeah.

You think it's strange that women wear their hair like, long now?

I think the style now is pretty, however, I wonder who decrees that it is now straight if you're 50 and younger.

Yeah.

I would think that the beauty operators would want you to keep your hair curled.

What about how-- how people have changed how they feel about different races?

About racism?

Yeah, racism.

I have learned over the years to have some of my very good friends to be, uh...

(inhales)

Black.

Okay.

That's not the word, but anyway.

No, that's the word.

That's fine. That's fine.

What did you used to worry about that you don't concern yourself with anymore?

I would worry over people over drinking.

I lived during the Prohibition years, you know?

Yeah.

And some of the young people, yeah, they would overindulge and I would be very concerned.

You would have been very concerned about me.

About you, honey?

Uh-huh.

I can't-- no kidding.

You were one?

Oh, you're crazy.

I can't believe it.

I could have used a friend like you.

What's the craziest thing you ever witnessed in your whole life?

Honey.

I don't think I can answer that.

♪

I'm not r*cist.

I don't know if you guys are.

I'm like, totally, I'm totally not.

My grandpa is, though.

I have such a r*cist grandpa.

Do you guys have them?

You must.

Everybody does, right?

Just-- he's so sweet, but then he'll just say something like-- we went to lunch the other day, we get out of his car and a black guy crosses the street in front of the car.

And he goes, "Oh, that reminds me".

Boop, boop.

I'm like, "No".

I'm like, "Grandpa, that can't be the joke anymore.

That was like, the joke when you were younger".

Like, oh, watch out, black people.

Like, hold on to your (bleep).

No.

Like, that's the joke that black people steal (bleep).

Like, white people, we stole black people.

Umm...

♪

Like, I love "Sex and the City" and like, the Mario Cantone role.

I know Mario, he's a close, personal friend.

Yeah, I did his breakup.

No.

I did.

Who was he dating?

Um, Mayim Bialik.

He's straight.

(woman) So easy.

(man) Mmm, magic.