01x07 - The Dorch

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

(Children shout and scream)

Morning, cockers.

All: Morning, Grampy.

This is your inheritance from Great-Gramma Joanna, such as it is.

This seems a bit paltry, Grampy.

I've deducted Grampy's corkage, of course.

Plus a little for expenses...petrol money and sundries.

Right, I'm gonna pop over to your cousin Cath-Cath's later on with her spondoolicks.

Her and that lad went tits up so she's in a bit of a state, apparentl Excuse-me-what-was-that-excuse-me what?

I'll play her some Marley. Old Bob knew the score.

♪ No woman no cry... ♪

Cathy and Lee split up?

Ay. Dat dey did.

Oh, my God! Yes! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

This is it! It's over!

Cathy's heart is smashed! Yes! Taste it, Cathy. Taste it! USA!

USA!

USA!

♪ La-la la-la la-la la-la la-la la-la ♪
♪ La-la la la la la la-la la ♪
♪ La-la la-la la-la la-la la-la la-la la la la-la la ♪
♪ La la-la la la-la. ♪

(Keyboard taps)

Germaine: Right. Let's see.

Yes! Lee's status - going to the Dorch tonight to get twanted.

Yoko: What's "twanted"?

Allow him one typo. God!

He's only just come out of a three-week relationship.

Do you know what this means?

Lee, single and twanted, is going clubbing at the Dorch tonight.

This is my chance to claim him.

To the Dorchester!

Mariah: No!

Della: Just give it, then!

No. It's mine!

Why didn't you give me their share, Dad?

Sorry, Del. I'm an old-school socialist.

Redistribution of wealth at source.

(Phone vibrates)

Oh, if that's your mom, tell her I'm moving on with me life.

Mention Babs at the Red Lion.

No, it's that bloke from the party. The one with the truck.

He wants to take me out.

Truck, eh? He sounds right up your alley.

Indeed. I like a man who can handle a long wheelbase.

Mum, can I go to a nightclub tonight?

You're underage, Germaine. What nightclub?

The Dorchester.

Hmm. That is a good nightclub. But you are underage.

Physically, yeah. Legally, sure.

But mentally, I'm like an old woman or something.

You know, wise and sh*t.

You know what?

I don't see why you can't take yourself out for an evening. It'll matu Underage clubbing was the making of me.

If I hadn't vomited my guts up on cheap cider night after night and been punched hard in the tit by a Goth in a mosh pit, I wouldn't be the woman I am today.

Thanks, Mum!

There are conditions, of course.

I want you to take Yoko.

Sure, whatever. I have literally no opinion on Yoko coming. Yoko Shmoko.

She's there, she's not. Whatever.

And you have to take Aretha.

What? No! Mum, come on.

Aretha's boring...

Sensible. She'll stop you being a d*ck.

Stop me having fun, you mean.

Or you can stay in and change the oil in the deep-fat fryer.

Taxi for Germaine!

Will you look after the little ones tonight if I go out with that bloke?

All this talk of cider and tits has brought me round to the going for a drive idea.

I'll leave you a tinned steak and ale pie and Philomena on DVD.

Dench and a Bentos? Sounds like pure heaven, Del.

Hey, old pal-o-mine. I've brought you a long, tall glass of cola.

What d'you say, you and me going out tonight?

To the Dorchester.

My plan for this evening is to have a bath and watch Dan Cruickshank's Adve Yeah, but we could, you know, bond.

Get to know each other better.

I know more than enough about you, Germaine.

Remember that time I smelt you on a towel?

OK, please, Aretha. Lee is going to be there.

My sexual destiny is at stake here.

I can't do this without you.

All for one and one for all!

And Lee for me.

The all don't want to go to the Dorchester, Germaine.

So the one is just going to have to deal with that.

No, this isn't the one for all bit - this is the all for one bit.

You're the all. I'm the one.

£20. Cash upfront.

This is it. This is going to be the best night ever.

It's gonna be like all my favourite films - Breakfast At Tiffany's.

Pretty Woman. The Moulin Rouge.

You do know all of those films are about prostitutes?

Right, then, makeover time. Yoko, you're up first.

Go on, up on that chair.

Hmm. Good teeth. Firm rump.

Oh, my God. Look at this.

These are like proper woman legs. Like off the telly!

We need to get these out, make good use of these.

I'm going to give this skirt a haircut.

♪ Sexy, everything about you, so sexy... ♪

Oops, careful, better not cut any of the precious thigh meat.

♪ You don't even know what you've got ♪
♪ You're really hitting my spot ♪
♪ Oh, yeah. ♪

Music: just a little by liberty x:
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Sexy ♪
♪ Everything about you so sexy ♪
♪ You don't even know what you got ♪
♪ You're really hitting my spot ♪
♪ Oh, yeah. ♪

Bog's free!

Right. That's Yoko done. What about you, Aretha?

I've got an outfit picked out.

Can you leave the room so I can get changed, please?

Can't I stay and watch? We could bond over comparing our bodies.

Germaine, you will never see my body.

I swear this with God as my witness.

But what if we've got the same bum? Has that never occurred to you?

We'll never know.

Not even I have seen myself naked.

Now get out.

Music: lead me by alice boman.:
Oh, Mum, are you going out tonight too?

Yep. I'm going out with a man.

What? On a date?

No, not a "date".

That is a marketing term and I will not have you using it.

And you're wearing that?

Yep. But that's what you always wear.

And there's a reason for that.

This is a very carefully constructed outfit.

This outfit is frigging honed.

Please let me give you a makeover!

No.

I will die before I let you put me in some acrylic blouse and pencil skirt and tell me to "flaunt my curves".

This is an arse, not a curve.

I'm going for a f*g now.

If a baby-faced hardman with eyes like lasers comes to the door, let your grandad get it.

If he can't handle Grampy there's no point starting.

Aretha, why haven't you got changed? Why is no-one getting changed?

We're going out.

If you look closely enough you will see that I have indeed changed.

You can't wear a jumper to a nightclub, Aretha. That is not day to night.</fon If I continue to wear it to the night, it is exactly that.

But you have to get changed. Or it's not a makeover.

It's just a...sameover.

I didn't know you could choose a sameover.

(Music: theme to paris, texas)

Evening.

That your van?

Aye.

Bodywork's in good nick.

You've got a good eye.

I can barely see the wheel nuts at this distance.

I'm very intuitive about rust.

I'm Robert, by the way.

Why don't you call me Bob?

Michael. But you can call me Mike, I guess.

Welcome to the Pleasuredome, Mike.

This is Michael, he's here to squire your mother.

Hello again.

We've already met.

Jesus, Germaine.

Will you stop sexually harassing everything you come into contact with?</fon I can't help it. The world is hot!

Now then, Mikey boy. Talk to me about brake pipes.

♪ I'm so fancy ♪
♪ You already know ♪
♪ I'm in the fast lane ♪
♪ From LA to Tokyo... ♪

Half fare to town, please.

Half fare? Don't think so, love.

I'm 15. It's a child fare.

You don't look 15 to me.

Well, that's an oppressive statement.

Fine. I will pay you adult fare. But I will do it the hard way... in shrapnel.

Rue on that, dude.

Hey, Yoko? I'm going to ask you something.

If you looked like Grampy from behind, would you want to know?

Music: no particular place to go by chuck berry:
♪ Riding along in my automobile ♪
♪ My baby beside me at the wheel ♪
♪ I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile ♪
♪ My curiosity runnin' wild ♪
♪ Cruisin' and playin' the radio ♪
♪ With no particular place to go. ♪

So, Della, how do you feel about restaurants?

Between me and you, big fella, I'll just feel resentful paying ?12 for some pasta.

I can feed two kids for a week on that.

Plus, the rate I smoke you'll spend most of the night watching me stand outside, chuffing.

Fair play. We could go down the big Tesco.

The marked-down stuff comes out any minute.

Do you fancy eating a f*ck-ton of borderline scotch eggs in the car park?

I am very partial to cheap food.

It's a good half an hour to there from here though.

I'll put my foot down, then.

(Engine revs)

So, Top Gear. You got any music?

Music: get the funk out by extreme:
♪ If you don't like what you see here ♪

Nobody wants to take you prisoner

♪ If you don't like what you see here ♪
♪ Get the funk out... ♪

Music: in da club by 50 cent:

Right. One more practice, then we're going in.

Yoko, what year were you born? 1997.

Good. Is my name the same?

Yeah. I'm scared.

Just remember this, Yoko - they can't see inside your mind, OK?

Don't you think it's a bit suspicious that three people with variations on the same face all claim to have been born in 1997?

He's a bouncer - not a man of science.

He won't work that out. Now, come on.

Evening, ladies.

Don't you want to know my birth year?

Is it 1997?

Yes! It's always 1997, love.

It's always 1997...

Park there.

In that smaller space?

This is a big wagon.

I reckon you can get it in there, if you try.

All right, but it is quite tight, Della.

Yes, it is.

(Engine revs)

(Car beeps)

Looks like it just fits.

Nicely parked.

(Pounding dance music plays)

And so it begins...

As Shakespeare said, "It is not in the stars to hold our destiny "but in ourselves."

Right, let's dump our stuff and get some cheap cider.

There's a pub down the road if you fancy a pint.

Nice pub - not a m*rder pub.

Let's keep driving. Unless you've had enough?

I've got a full t*nk and a cheap rotisserie chicken.

I can go all night, kiddo.

Hmm.

(Dance music plays)

So we're just staying here all night?

Yup. It is now nine o'clock - we have to stay here until 2am.

That's a full five hours of this.

I think that's what the alcohol is for.

A chip? Someone threw a chip...

Who would throw a chip in a... Lee!

Look at him, getting twanted...

I'm going up there. Come on!

Lions led by donkeys.

Just, erm...returning your chip.

Yes, Gruffalo!

All right, Tits.

Tits?

Whoa! Tits has got legs!

Aretha, Yoko's legs have backfired.

Lee's so twanted, he doesn't seem to realise that it's Yoko on top of them.

The creation of a monster always backfires on the creator, Germaine...

If you'd have just read Frankenstein when I recommended it to you, none of this would have happened.

What are you doing, Germaine? No way.

Are you lezzing your own sister?

Why? Would you like that?

You are lezzing off.

Wicked! Yo, Callum, pass your phone, pass your phone!

Let me see, let me see.

If you two were hotter, this would be amazing.

Yoko, I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to get off with you.

It's what the public want.

No! Germaine! Sh.

Don't worry, it won't take long and I'm pretty sure I'm a good kisser.

Yes! Go on.

No incest, Germaine!

Ah, you struck me!

It was quicker than exorcising you.

(Tyres screech)

Do you like it in reverse?

Yeah, I like it in reverse.

(Siren wails in the distance)

She was just using you as a prop, Yoko.

She doesn't actually find you attractive. Does that help?

All right! I didn't know you two were coming out tonight.

Yep, we're having a rare old time.

By which I mean an infrequent one.

Was that Germaine I just saw leaving? She's gone?

Yup, Elvis has left the building.

Elvis is pretty upset.

I slapped Elvis.

Elvis tried to kiss me.

No way. You guys really go for it when you go out. Respect.

Cathy, are you planning to reconcile with Lee Rhind tonight?

If you mean am I going to tongue him on the balcony, show him what he's missing, then, yeah.

OK, would you consider refraining from doing that, just for tonight?

Soz, man. No can do.

A plan is a plan.

Oh, this is my number. Got to go to twerk.

I'm going to break the prime directive of Star Trek, Yoko.

I'm going to take action to change the course of an alien culture.

I have a plan.

How much?

Excuse me?

You, erm...looking for trade?

Like a market?

Like a prost*tute.

prost*tute?

Never mind. Never mind.

Have a good night, cock. Ta-ra.

prost*tute?!

Right. We're on a tight schedule. You need to neutralise Cathy.

I'm going to psychologically manipulate Lee Rhind.

I expect to have completed this in under two minutes.

Neutralise Cathy?

Do it! Go! Neutralise, neutralise, neutralise...

Music: bad girls by m.i.a.:
♪ Hands up, hands tied Don't go screaming ♪
♪ If I blow you with a bang ♪
♪ Ah, Suki Zuki ♪
♪ I'm coming in the Cherokee gasoline... ♪

Good evening. What is the best form of alcohol, on a cost to incapacitation ratio?

♪ Like a trampoline ♪

When I get to where I'm going

♪ Gonna have you trembling... ♪

Drink all of those.

Yeah, all right.

♪ Live fast, die young Bad girls do it well ♪
♪ Live fast, die young Bad girls do it well... ♪

Neutralise, neutralise, neutralise.

♪ Shift gear a*t*matic Damned if I do ♪
♪ Who is gonna stop me when I'm coming through? ♪

Oh, hi, Yokes.

♪ What we got left is just me and you ♪
♪ But if I go to bed, baby, can I take you? ♪

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

My frigging shoe! Yoko! Yoko!

Music: 212 by azealia banks ft. lazy jay:
♪ Hey, I can be the answer I'm ready to dance when the vamp up ♪
♪ Then when I hit that dip get your camera ♪
♪ You can see I been that ... since the pamper ♪
♪ And that I am that young sis The beacon ♪
♪ The ... who wants to compete and ♪
♪ I can freak a fit that pump with the peep and ♪
♪ You know what your... become when her weave in ♪
♪ I just wanna sip that punch with your peeps and ♪
♪ Sit in that lunch if you're treatin' ♪
♪ I was in the 212 on the uptown A... ♪

Elvis! Yoko, something incredible's just happened to me!

A little less conversation, a little more action!

We need to find Aretha!

Aretha, you will never guess what's just...

Look, Lee is as suggestible as he will ever be.

This is your chance.

No, Aretha. I don't want to. He's not appealing to me any more.

Listen, something happened to me outside.

A man offered to pay me for sex.

That's horrible.

No, it's great. Don't you see? Men will pay me for sex.

And all I want to do is get off with them for free.

I misunderstood the sexual marketplace. Do you see?

I'm going to try something.

Get off with me? Yeah, all right.

Music: earthquake by labrinth ft. tinie tempah:
Oh, my God! Did you see that?

You can just turn it on and off. It's like a tap!

I don't need an unconscious Lee.

I can get off with live men.

Music: only girl (in the world) by rihanna:
After I've finished your chips, I'll think about getting back with you.

Fitness!

♪ I want you to love me like I'm a hot ride ♪
♪ Uh, yeah Keep thinkin' of me ♪
♪ Doing what you like Oh ♪
♪ Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world ♪
♪ Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love ♪
♪ Like I'm the only one who knows your heart ♪
♪ Only girl in the world ♪
♪ Like I'm the only one that's in command ♪
♪ Cos I'm the only one who understands ♪
♪ How to make you feel like a man ♪
♪ Only girl in the world ♪
♪ Girl in the world ♪
♪ Only girl in the world ♪
♪ Girl in the world. ♪

I'm getting my suspension tuned next week.

The ride will be even smoother.

I'll call you, hot rod.

Oh, Grampy, it was funny...

A man mistook me for a prost*tute and offered to pay me for sex!

(He laughs)

We've all been there, Germaine.

Aye-aye, Del Amitri. How was the tryst?

He took me to Rugeley and back.

Did he mention when he might do my brake pipes?

Mum, I got off with four boys!

My jaw is literally sore from all the snogging.

Oh, that's a relief.

Living with you's been like having a horny gorilla in the house.

I'm constantly worried I'll come home to find you humping the fridge.

(Door opens)

What the...?

Who the frig is that?

(Door closes)

Dad. Dad. Dad.

f*ck.

♪ This town ain't big enough for the both of us ♪
♪ And it ain't me who's gonna leave ♪
♪ Flying, domestic flying ♪
♪ And when the stewardess is near, do not show any fear ♪
♪ Heartbeat, increasing heartbeat ♪
♪ You know that this town isn't big enough ♪
♪ Not big enough for both of us I ain't gonna leave. ♪