02x02 - Table for Sue

[bunniefuu]

♪

(flatulence)

Oh, my God!

Oh, f*ck!

Sue, what are you doing out here?

It's okay, I didn't hear anything.

Don't say that, that means you definitely did hear something.

It's too late, it's all over me.

Am I visible?

I feel like it's sticking to me and making me visible.

Yeah, so we kinda took a step backwards there, but on the plus side, we both agree that it's best if she's never transparent around me again.

So, why don't you just tell her how you feel?

Oh, I don't know.

With words I'm not such a good, uh... you know, candidate?

You know what you should do, right?

You should take her on a fancy date, let your actions speak louder than your words.

Come on, man, that's the most expensive idea I've ever heard. I can barely afford food for myself right now!

How am I gonna pull off a fancy date?

How about you get a high paying job?

Oh, is that it?

Yeah.

And I suppose a high paying job is just gonna come walking right up to me?

You read "The Secret," it could happen.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Is one of you the guy who gets rid of ghosts?

Yeah, yeah, that would be me, but I'm kind of in the middle of something right now, so...

Oh, I can totally relate.

You see, I'm kind of in a bind.

Um, I'm reopening my restaurant, the Rusty Blowtorch, and the kitchen staff is convinced that the place is haunted.

That sucks. I'm really sorry to hear about your restaurant, but I need to figure out how I'm gonna be able to afford to take a girl I like on a fancy date to show her how I feel.

Such as... the Rusty Blowtorch.

Yes, Roofie, thank you.

Very good example.

Which he owns!

Oh. Yes!

Well, then sir, as the owner of a fancy restaurant, you should certainly be able to appreciate my situation.

He'll take the job.

Thanks.

What job?

Yeah, he'll take it.

Huh?

Thank you.

♪

(screaming)

♪

The Rusty Blowtorch. That's a cool name.

I assume it refers to the sex act?

I'm sorry. What sex act?

Oh, you know, when a girl eats out a guy's ass and then reaches around and lights his d*ck on fire?

Standard.

Everything we serve here is cooked with a rusty blowtorch.

Got it. That makes...

So I'm gonna go pay my respects to the chef now.

Shall I come with?

No, no, no, no. You stay here.

Sometimes these ghosts, they can take their sweet time showing themselves.

(rattling in kitchen)

Sometimes not.

(laughter)

Good luck.

Duck? Duck?

Duck? There's no duck on my menu.

It's the poor man's swan!

Yet no matter where you look today, there's duck. Duck! Duck!

Oh! God!

You could have at least said duck!

You can see me?

Ow.

Yes, I can see you. My name is Pac.

I'm a medium. I'd shake your hand, but you're a ghost, and you know.

It's...

Yeah.

Anyway, your boss sent me in here to figure out why you're haunting his restaurant?

His restaurant? You know, he wouldn't even have a restaurant if it wasn't for me!

I get it, man. You want credit for the success of the restaurant, and the man ain't giving it to you.

What? No, no.

I don't need his recognition.

I've opened dozens of restaurants.

Woah.

Yeah.

I did James McAvoy's bachelor party.

I touched Padma Lakshmi's tit, and got kicked off "Top Chef" for it.

You touched her tit? Was it over the bra?

Over the shirt.

That's still... that's still good. I'd take that.

It was totally worth it, by the way.

It was very supple.

So...

What, uh, do you want then?

(sighs)

On the night of my death, a critic named Craig B... write it down... Craig B. published a negative review of my food.

It's the only negative review I've ever gotten.

It tore me up inside.

And outside.

I got so distracted, I accidentally put my hand through a meat grinder.

This one time, I got so stoned, I accidentally put on like 50 pounds.

I'm sorry.

No, that's okay.

Can you help me convince this guy to change his review?

Yeah, I can do that.

So what are we talking, are we talking New York Times, Village Voice?

No...

Yelp.

What's a Yelp?

Once we get online, we can use the locations of the businesses he reviews on Yelp to narrow the area where he lives.

Then we can use Instagram's GPS function to see if anyone with the same user ID is posting in that vicinity.

Chances are, if this guy's writing about food, he's also uploading photos of food.

Then we'll probably find a match and be able to pinpoint his exact building on a map.

Cool.

You're like Sanderson.

Who?

Sanderson, the tech guy from "Felonies and Misdemeanors"?

Never mind.

Sanderson would have known that already.

Well, I learned a lot of tricks working for...

Camomile White!

Out... outside your front door now.

Could you... could you open it for me please?

And then I won't have to soil my hand on this filthy thing.

What do you want?

Uh, I just wondered if I could speak to you for a moment.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so. Come in.

♪

I, uh, I know you're probably busy doing whatever it is that you do.

Mhm.

But I just wanted to give you these.

What?

I was cleaning out Sue's stuff the other day, and I... I thought you'd like them.

You must miss her terribly.

Actually, no I don't.

Now that she's a ghost, I see her more than ever before.

Sue's still around?

I had no idea.

Is... is she here now?

Can... can... can I talk to her?

(modem buzzing)

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Talk.

Sue?

If you can hear me, it's me.

Camomile.

I just wanted to say how much I miss you.

As a friend, not just an assistant.

Although I certainly do miss you as an assistant too.

Now I've got my own reality TV show, there's so much to do, and I don't know how I'm going to pull it off without you.

♪

I just wanted you to know that I now realize how much I took you for granted while you were still...

♪

Anyway.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

No, yeah.

♪

(modem beeping and buzzing)

Well, at least now we know that's not your unfinished business either.

Welcome.

(knocking)

Hey!

Unless you're selling Girl Scout Cookies, I'm not interested.

No. No, I wish.

Closing the door now.

No. No, no, no, no!

I'm sorry. Uh, I'm sorry.

Are you Craig B., from Yelp?

Who wants to know?

Kevin P.

I'm not familiar with your work.

Oh. I'm a medium.

Craigory, close the door!

You're letting the heat out.

Shut your filthy mouth, Mother!

She's right. We should close this.

Yeah. Mother knows best, right?

♪

So...

Lovely.

Thank you.

What's that... what's that?

Is that a zebra skin rug?

It's white tiger.

And it's not for sale.

Can I help you?

Yes. Yeah. Uh, I am here because you wrote a review for the Rusty Blowtorch recently?

You gave it two out of five stars?

I remember it well.

The food was atrocious.

I gave it one star for decor and one because the weight of the fork was pleasing to the hand.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Well, see, the thing is, the chef who cooked the meal for you that night has since d*ed.

Good.

Yeah, or, you know... bad.

But he's hanging out still as a ghost, and he won't leave until you give his food a second chance.

He believes if you have a better experience this time around, maybe you will...

I'll what? I'll change my review?

Yeah.

That's not gonna happen.

Do you know what that would do to my credibility on Yelp?

I have 17 followers.

I mean, come on, man.

It's a dead man's last wish!

I just told you. I don't change my reviews for any reason!

Certainly not my magnum opus.

Your magnum... what?

The food at that restaurant was so wretched it was actually inspiring.

The... the... the words flowed as freely from my fingertips as the diarrhea that flowed from my anus later that night.

Oh.

It was my finest review ever.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

No, let's just talk about the diarr...

No. We're done.

Okay, but just to review...

To review, this conversation gets one star, but only because I can't give it a zero.

Okay. Thanking you.

Harsh.

Goodbye.

One star?

Tough critic.

You want a hot dog?

Yes.

f*ck yeah. No, actually...

Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.

Let me Yelp it first.

♪

No.

One hot dog please.

Appreciate it.

How is it?

Great.

Yeah? Yeah?

But the service sucked, right?

No.

Yeah, it seems like a really tiny hot dog for the amount of money you paid.

No, same great hot dog, same price, everywhere you get it.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

So you're telling me I missed out on a plump, juicy, moist-looking hot dog served with a smile?

Mhm.

Thank you very much, Debbie J.

Dude, it's Yelp, man, nobody even pays attention to what they write.

That's not true.

This Craigory B. Guy does.

Look, look what he wrote.

"Your ambiance is grand, but with what I'm in love is this fork which fits like a well-worn glove.

Heretofore have I felt such an agreeable weight.

I only wish I could eat it instead of the dreck on my plate."

That's poetic, right?

It's only poetic because it's a quatrain.

Let me see.

It's a what-train?

Look.

"Your ambiance" is misspelled, right?

It is?

It's a typo, yes.

It's "your."

It should be spelled Y-O-U-R.

Yeah, he's got Y-O-R-E.

Yeah. It's not even a common form of the common mistake.

Yeah.

Roofie, can I borrow your iPad?

I'm sorry, can I borrow "your" iPad?

You're ridiculous.

♪

Can I borrow "your" iPad?

(knocking)

Go away! I already told you I don't change my reviews!

Yeah, yeah, even one with a typo?

What are you talking about?

(mimicking expl*si*n)

Oh, my God.

Mom, stop looking at our street on Google Earth, I need the computer!

It's not your turn!

Uh, I hate you!

Can I use your iPad?

Oh, what about all your followers?

It's just one word, nobody's gonna notice.

Well, I guarantee that at least one of your 18 followers will notice.

That's right.

I'm a follower now.

Oh, my God.

Oh!

It's okay. It... look, look, look, you had an off night, right?

It happens to the best of us, including Chef Christopher.

So what do you say, huh?

Everyone deserves a second review.

Fine.

Mhm?

Fine!

Okay, you don't have to yell.

♪

I got good news!

I found Craig B.!

He's, uh, you know, a bit of a weirdo, but he's agreed to give your food a second chance, so.

That's... that's amazing!

Really?

Yeah!

We're gonna... holy, okay, I'm gonna go to the farmer's market and I'm gonna get some, uh, white truffles are in season.

Garlic confit.

You ever had a garlic confit?

Yeah, I love garlic confit.

Awesome.

I gotta tell ya, he's gonna be here in an hour.

An hour?

Yeah.

I don't have enough time to...

I'm not gonna be able to roast an entire pig with a blowtorch in an hour, I need more...

I'm gonna have to improvise.

Who's going to be here in an hour?

Oh, just some guy who's gonna eat here so Chef Christopher can move on.

Who's making the food?

The kitchen staff is here prepping for tomorrow but none of them can cook.

No, no. It's okay. Chef Christopher is gonna cook it all himself.

What? No.

I can't have a ghost cooking in my restaurant.

My kitchen staff will quit for sure.

(sighs)

♪

Buon a panini.

♪

Oh, hmm.

♪

The pasta's burnt.

No, no, it's absolutely not.

It's cooked to perfection.

That is al dente perfection.

Chef says that is al dente perfection!

I wouldn't serve this to my worst enemy, and ironically, my worst enemy would love this, because he's the one who made it.

You know what?

Why don't you have another bite?

No!

My favorite cardigan!

That's a mistake.

I'm sorry!

You know what? You know what?

I will change my review.

From two stars to one!

Oh, you mother...

(grunting and smashing)

Oh, you don't like squid ink?

No? No? Well, how's this?

Oh, come down, okay, stop!

What, what do you like?

Do you like gummy bears?

No, stop!

I need one of those tables for tomorrow night!

Eat this chair!

Eat it!

No, no, please, wait, wait!

It's just a... it's a... it's a ventilation problem!

Come back!

(smashing continues)

Somebody's gonna clean this up, right?

♪

Kevin, can we talk?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Sit down.

Hey.

I'm... I'm really glad you're here actually.

This... this ghost gig I'm working on is just like, jerking me in circles.

And I can't get my head around it!

You're right.

Yes, I should give up.

That is the best thing to do.

Thank you, Sue, you're the...

You just got the best ideas.

I want to go back and work for Camomile.

What?

Now that she has this new reality show I really feel like she needs someone around who she can trust.

Are you kidding me?

You're actually considering going back to work for Camomile.

I know it sounds crazy but when she was here earlier I really got the sense that she changed.

Who cares?

She can't even hear you or see you.

Which is why the only way I can be her assistant is if you be my assistant and translate for me.

I know it's a lot to ask, and you can totally say no, but...

I'll do it.

You will?

Yeah, I'll do it.

If that's what you want, I'll...

Yeah, I'll do it.

You don't seem too happy about it.

Well, it's just, if I really wanted to work for Camomile, I would have accepted her job offer a couple days ago.

Camomile already offered you a job?

I know, right. How awkward is this conversation going to be?

Doing what?

Working on her TV show thingy.

Oh, my God!

So all that stuff she said earlier was just to manipulate me into getting you to do what she wanted!

What, that's a thing?

You can manipulate somebody into manipulating somebody else?

I can't believe I didn't see this earlier!

I gotta go! I gotta go!

(knocking)

♪

(clearing throat)

Hi, I'm looking for Craigory, is he home?

Oh, he was a little cranky, so I told him to take a nap.

Can I help you?

Oh, methinks you can.

♪

So, how do you two know each other?

Oh, well, Craigory and I go way back.

We uh... we first met in college.

Craigory didn't go to college.

No, me neither.

College was the name of a bar that we used to hang out in.

Craigory doesn't drink.

A salad bar.

Oh!

Well, that makes sense.

Craigory loves to eat.

Yes, he certainly does.

Don't we all.

Speaking of which, have you read any of his reviews on Yelp?

Oh, I have.

I'm one of his followers.

Actually, I'm five of them.

But don't tell him!

No, as a fellow follower, my lips are sealed, okay?

(laughing)

Um, so, uh, I did want to bring up one thing that hasn't been sitting right with me.

And this never happens, but I didn't agree with one of his reviews.

Have you been to the Rusty Blowtorch?

No.

No?

Well, you should.

In fact, if you would like to, I can take you there right now.

We can have a little nosh, and if you enjoy yourself, maybe we can convince Craigory to, you know, change his review or something?

Oh, Craigory never changes his reviews for any reason.

It's right there in his profile.

That computer is open to his profile?

Yes.

What? That's amazing.

I don't even have to manipulate you anymore.

That was a one star nap.

The dream was insufferable, completely derivative.

What is he doing here?

Well, he said he was a friend of yours.

I don't have any friends!

♪

No.

Yes.

No!

No!

Yes.

No!

It's happening.

Stop it! No, no!

Mom!

Stop it, stop it, both of you!

You're going to break my Hummels!

(groaning)

(shouting)

(crashing)

Woah!

Oh, woah, I got a wrestling cramp.

(groaning)

Hey, buddy!

Leave me alone!

I'm here to apologize, so is Chef Christopher.

No, I'm not.

And that's why he made you this food!

Not because he wants you to change your review or anything silly like that.

Here we are.

Meatloaf surprise with egg noodles.

Room temperature as requested, and green Jell-O.

(sighing)

Now this, this is good pasta.

Not like the stuff that you served me that was so burnt it was black.

Wait a second.

Ask him what his favorite band is.

What? Why?

Just ask him!

All right, spaz.

Hey Craigory, what's your favorite band?

Um, Quarterback.

It's like a Nickelback tribute band, but the early stuff.

Okay, ask him his favorite movie.

Uh, what's your favorite movie?

Oh, Sharknado 2.

The first one, the sound was awful!

Of course! How could I have not seen it sooner?

This man... thing... it's... he's got the worst taste of any human being I've ever met in my entire life!

The fact that he doesn't like my food... it might be the greatest compliment I've ever received.

Thank you, Pac.

Thank you for helping me take this review with a grain of salt.

You're welcome.

"You're" wel...

"You're" welcome.

♪

(machine beeping)

What's happening?

I don't know.

But the chef is gone.

Are you gonna eat this?

I will s*ab you with my fork!

♪

Hey.

Check out Mr. Lonely.

Kind of smoky.

Like, cigarette smoky?

♪

It's strong, I feel like I'm getting...

♪
♪

(clapping slowly)

Well, well, well.

If it isn't my new favorite actress.

Bravo on the performance you put on in my apartment the other day, very nice.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, don't "I don't know what you're talking about" me.

I'm the king of not knowing what anyone's ever talking about.

Yeah. Whatever.

What I came in here to tell you was stay away from Sue! All right?

You ruined her life. I am not going to let you ruin her afterlife.

And you know what's best for her, do you?

Yeah. I think I do.

And I did not secretly hold onto one of Sue's fingers to keep her from walking into her light just so she could come back here and go to work for you!

Hold on. You secretly held onto one of her fingers to stop her from going into the light?

Uh... I... I don't know what you're talking about?

Tell you what.

New job offer.

You come and work for me on my TV show, and I don't tell Sue that you're secretly keeping her hostage as a ghost.

Sue would never believe you.

Maybe.

But I do know someone she would believe.

Did we get all of that?

Yeah?

♪

Oh, shart.

♪