02x07 - The Blowfish Job

[bunniefuu]

♪

I... can you believe it?

Look at the picture quality.

It's unreal!

The colors are, like, I can't even believe my eyes.

Yeah, and think of how great it will be once you reconnect the cable.

Oh, wow.

It's wild how everything's changing, isn't it?

I mean, you know Roofie drops out of the drug game, and now I get my own TV?

Show.

Oh, fo'sho!

No, you have your own TV show.

Right. Which is how I was able to afford this awesome TV, Sue!

And that is fo'sho.

I mean, no, it's not for show.

It's a real TV, it's just...

No I mean, it is, it is, it's for show, just for now, until I get the cable reconnected.

(knocking)

Maybe that's the cable guy now!

Did you call them?

♪

No.

How did they know to just show up?

♪

Hey there, Kev.

Who is that?

Dad?

♪
♪

(screaming)

♪
♪

Hey, sh*t-eater, you still talk to ghosts?

You know I'm not supposed to say.

Please. He's in here.

Come on, TJ.

There's no ghost that could possibly be that small.

He's this small because of how he d*ed.

I'm not falling for that.

Please! He's so small.

♪

Fine.

Take a looksie.

I don't know.

He's in pretty bad shape because of how he d*ed.

How did he die?

He got creamed!

Oh! Come on, man!

Thank you.

You know what?

You think you're so cool, but you're not.

And one day, some nice, well-adjusted family is gonna come in here, and I'm never gonna have to see you again.

Because guess what?

They're gonna adopt you.

Oh yeah?

Even if all that's true, as soon as I turn 21, I'm gonna come back to St Annie's.

And I'm gonna adopt you!

Okay, maybe I took the bit a little too far.

Yeah, you adopted me so you could keep bullying me.

We had some good times, didn't we, Kev?

Ball games?

The father-son sack race?

We didn't do any of that sh*t.

Hey! You don't take that tone with me, young man.

Look, I'm not gonna be one of those dads who comes back and is like,

"I know I wasn't the world's greatest dad," but I'm different now.

"Why don't we go to that father-son sack race?"

And you're like, "Really?"

And I'm like, "Yeah, I've changed."

And you're like, "I'd like that."

I'm not gonna do that, Kev.

'Cause you are too smart, and I raised you too good.

Then why are you here?

I think my apartment is haunted.

Oh, come on.

Let me guess, the ghost is so small...

This isn't a bit, Kev.

I'm desperate.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

All right, what do you want, Kev?

I'll pay you.

Whatever... whatever you want.

You want my watch? It's a Timex.

It's an Indiglo, Kev.

I'm sorry.

That... that... that was insulting.

This was a bad idea.

I should... I should leave.

Oh, Kev?

The place looks good.

I'm really proud of you.

Dad, wait.

Just wait a second.

I'm so confused.

I'll take a looksie.

Oh, wow, that would be such a relief.

You take a looksie, and I'll take your nose.

Oh, stop.

I know you don't have my nose.

It's just your thumb.

I'm sorry, I just thought...

You thought what? You thought you could just come waltzing back into my life after all these years, grab my nose, and pretend to be my dad again, Dad?

Well, you can't, all right?

It doesn't work like that.

We're gonna go do your ghost thing, and then we're finished.

Fair enough.

Yeah, it is fair enough.

Oh, you need to use the bathroom before we leave?

No, Dad. I don't need to use the bathroom.

You sure? It's a really long drive.

I don't want to have to pull over.

(groans)

♪

Seriously? You're gonna help that guy?

You don't choose your family, Sue.

He literally chose you!

He only adopted you so he could bully you.

Yeah, I know, but I'm not gonna fall for any of his tricks this time, okay?

I'm a little older now, I'm a little bit wiser.

Plus he's got my nose, so...

Kevin!

I'm kidding!

Sue, that was a joke!

♪

I just... I gotta do this, okay?

♪

So, show me what you got.

Here's the first cut.

Mhm.

They didn't go to f*ckin' Pluto!

They went into their light!

Which is where the real boundless joy and inclusion awaits.

(electrical zapping)

Well, can't use that.

Okay, um, here is the re-edit.

Okay.

Giuseppe Monamocce!

The ghosts of your Pluto cult are here, and may their light shine white!

(electrical zapping)

Well, that's great!

Well done!

Except how can I be in two places at once?

Maybe we introduce a new power, like teleportation?

Don't be a bloody moron!

I'm a psychic medium, not a f*cking X-Man!

It's all unusable.

You're gonna have to delete it.

Well, I... I... I can't.

What do you mean, I... I... I can't?

Well, the head of the Network kind of wants to see Kevin quitting on your show first, you know, to spring board his spin-off show, Fat Psychic?

No.

His what?

Okay, so, listen, son, just be careful when you get in there.

I think I can handle myself, okay?

Thank you.

So this is the big, bad apartment, huh?

God, you're a p*ssy.

Ah, uh, God!

Oh, I spent a lot of time on that!

Ah!

Yep, that's part of the haunting.

That's what I was trying to say.

(speaking Japanese)

♪

What... what are you looking at?

Is that the ghost?

Ask him why he keeps moving my bed.

Okay.

It is unwise to sleep with one's head in the North Position.

It leads to a short life.

Oh that's... that's great, that's real sage.

I'll try to remember that next time I'm taking a nap.

He said, uh, North is bad, right?

What are you writing?

Who is this guy?

I... I think he's the ghost of feng shui.

I am Akira Nakamura.

Hello, Akira. I am Kevin Pacalioglu.

Um, Akira, I...

I don't want to overstep my bounds, especially not in bare feet, but, um, I'm going to have to politely ask you to take a hike.

You see, my dad here, he just recently rented the apartment, and you're kinda freaking him out, so...

How nice to see a son honor his father in such a way!

Not...

My daughter, Kamiko, has brought great shame upon me and my family!

Yeah, what'd she do, she get like an A-minus in math?

She has chosen a most dishonorable profession!

What does... what does she do?

Maybe I can get her to quit!

My daughter... she... I'm sorry... it is so shameful, I cannot even bear to say the words!

Maybe... maybe you can't say the words, how 'bout the numbers?

That way you can at least give me the address?

It's nice to meet you, Mr. Shui.

♪

A sushi restaurant?

What could be so shameful about that?

♪

Ohhh...

♪

Okay, let's figure out which one of these is Kamiko and get it over with.

Yeah.

Excuse me, hi, uh, we would like to speak with one of your naked tray girls, please.

Oh, I think we might need to order something.

All right, fine. One piece of sushi.

Yeah, you want to split a roll? Spicy tuna?

Mm, that's not my top choice, but you know, yeah, one roll each, I guess.

Yeah, one or two rolls should be fine.

I'm not even that hungry.

Woah, where do they hide the soy sauce?

Am I right?

I'm like the dad trying to impress the waitress.

Hey, is that a handroll between your legs or are you just happy sashimi?

That would work better if it was a guy.

Hey, do you guys have a fork, by any chance?

Also some ketchup?

So what do you think? Is this her?

I... I don't know.

Excuse me, are you Kamiko Nakamura?

(muffled speaking)

Dude, I think she's tryin' to tell us something.

Yeah, uh, maybe we have to eat everything before she can talk to us?

Totally, that is a very traditional Japanese custom.

Yeah, I know.

Well, boner appé-tit!

♪

Yeah!

♪

I'm sorry, Camomile, but Fat Psychic is happening.

It'll be a great supplement to Midtown Manhattan Medium.

Barrold, I really must disagree.

Barry. Barry Weinbergerstein.

Barry, Kevin Pacalioglu was a great psychic character, but there's just no way he can carry his own show.

I mean, no one wants to watch a fat, unkempt stoner talk to ghosts for thirty minutes.

Twelve minutes, with eighteen minutes of commercials.

Well, what products are gonna buy all that ad space?

Well, Oinky's has already reached out for a Level 3 Brand Integration.

Maybe he exorcises a drive-thru.

And Jagermeister is also interested.

Who knows? Maybe some... some side character drinks it.

I mean, after all, it's delicious.

Barrold, as a psychic medium...

Psychic medium, psmychic smedium, I don't believe in any of that mumbo-jumbo.

The only thing I believe in is ratings and juicy, brand-integrated frankfurters.

So unless you can top that, stop wasting my time.

♪

f*ck, that is smooth.

♪

You never could b*at your old man.

Well, you've got a good twenty months on me, right?

(belches)

♪

You know what I keep thinking about?

What?

The first time I brought you home from the hospital and held you in my arms.

That was the first time you slammed my hand in the car door, too.

Yeah, well, that was an accident.

And I bought you a milkshake after.

Didn't I?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your dad takes care of you, doesn't he?

Yeah.

Yeah!

(chuckling)

What? What is it?

Nothing, I just...

It's the wasabi, it's just hot.

I need a piece of this ginger to neuter the pain.

Oh, hey! You just ate the last piece of ginger.

Oh, did you want the...

No, no, no, no.

Are you Kamiko Nakamura?

No.

I am not the girl for whom you seek.

Do you know her? Is she here?

Kamiko Nakamura is here, but a server she is not.

Well, her father said she was here.

He... he said her profession brought him great shame.

(belches)

Nyotaimori is not a profession of shame.

There is your Kamiko Nakamura.

(alarm sounds)

(speaking Japanese)

♪

Whaaaat?

♪

In traditional Japanese culture, women are discouraged from becoming sushi chefs because it's believed our hands are too warm.

Oh, yeah, is that because you're constantly making peace signs?

It's not because of anything because it's not a real thing.

It's just an antiquated Japanese myth.

Okay. I was just asking.

Jeez, women, huh.

Always getting offended for no reason.

Must be on the rag.

That's what I was thinking.

So, Kamiko, why did you become a sushi chef?

My father was a fisherman.

He was never home, always out with his hookers.

That's what fishermen call themselves, but in Japanese it sounds a little nicer.

Right.

Naturally.

Anyway, he barely spent time with his family because he was too busy chasing tail.

I bet he was chasing tail.

Yellowtail, mostly.

All right, so what about his days off?

Uh, he'd be down at the brothels.

Ah, is that where they make the broth for miso soup?

No, it's where men pay to have sex with women.

Okay, so, you thought by becoming a sushi chef that you would be rebelling against your father.

Rebelling? Oh, no.

I had no idea he was so traditional because he was never around.

So when I became head chef, I invited him to the restaurant, but when he saw me, he was so ashamed, he went home and poisoned himself.

I just wanted to be part of his life.

Part of my life?

She was barely even bereaved when I d*ed.

It's because you're unbereavable!

Okay, come on, Nakamura-san.

Your daughter is the number one sushi maker in all of Flushing!

You gotta be proud of that, right?

Yeah!

Impossible!

Her hands are too warm.

Oh, that's insane.

That is such an insane thing to say.

And you know what else?

It's insane that your antique rules would force you to poison yourself.

It's like, what?

What!

It was... an accident.

Oh yeah, right.

Bullshit!

It is true.

I left Kamiko that night bearing much distress.

How would I ever face my hookers again?

To get my mind off it, I knew I needed a blowie.

Uh... a what?

A blowfish.

It's my favorite snack.

Unfortunately, I blew it.

Uh, what do you mean, Nakamura-san?

What do you mean?

Blowfish is poisonous.

If prepared incorrectly, the poison can seep into the meat of the fish and prove most deadly.

Oh, okay.

So, you would have great respect for someone who could prepare the perfect blowie, right?

♪

Okay, so what do you think?

Someone must now eat it to prove that it is not poisonous.

What did he say?

Uh, he was just saying that, uh, you have to eat the sushi now to prove that it's not poisonous.

Me?

Yeah.

But I can't.

Oh great, let me guess, it is forbidden for one who makes sushi to eat it.

No, I'm just not hungry.

I had a really big lunch. McDonald's.

Their Filet-O-Fish is f*cking amazing.

Damn it. God damn it!

All right, I guess it's up to me...

I'll do it.

If you're gonna eat it, I have to ask that you sign this liability waiver first.

Are you kidding me?

Restaurant policy.

No, Kev. I'll do it.

No parent should outlive their child.

♪

It's delicious.

It's delicious!

Thank you!

Oh good!

(nervous laughter)

Yes!

Scary.

I owe you a tremendous debt, Kevin.

Oh, no, no, that's okay.

I actually have enough debt already, thank you though.

Please tell my daughter that I am super proud of her.

♪

Don't look right at it.

It hurts.

Was that him leaving?

Yeah.

I think his unfinished business was actually realizing how proud of you he was.

♪

I'll leave you boys alone.

♪

Well, I gotta say, I never thought I'd see the day you'd risk your life for me.

That's what fathers do, right?

I don't know.

Me neither.

(laughing)

You know something, Kevin?
I had a lot of fun today.

I wish we could do this more often.

Solving ghost cases, I mean.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not really supposed to say, but I recently got my own reality TV show.

Oh, that is fantastic!

What is it?

Well, it's, uh, you know, me portraying a slightly overweight medium who can talk to ghosts.

But I was thinking with a little quick pitch, I could make it kind of a father-son dynamic duo kind of thing?

No, no. I...

No, no, no. I want to!

I want to.

Hang on. I'm gonna call the President of Alt TV right now.

I'm gonna pitch it to him.

Just let me do it.

No.

Yes, shut up.

(telephone rings)

Yeah?

Uh, Mr. Cheeseburgerstein?

It's Kevin Pacalioglu, from Fat Psychic.

Fat Psychic?

Yeah, I know.

We should probably consider changing the title because technically I'm not really, uh, psychic.

Yeah, uh, look, Mr. Pacalioglu...

I'm sorry, I'm wasting your time.

Uh, so I'm standing here with my dad...

Hi!

He says hi. That was him.

And, uh, I was just thinking maybe we could get him on the show, you know, sort of like a father-son duo thing?

Like a team?

I can't.

Look, it's not gonna happen.

Oh.

Oh, really?

I beg you to reconsider.

He's a very striking gentleman, he's very camera-friendly, smart, he's got a great head of hair... a natural brunette, as far as I know.

I don't dye it!

He doesn't dye his hair, who does?

He's a good-looking guy!

No, I mean the show.

The show's not gonna happen.

You've been cancelled.

Uh... what?

What'd I do wrong?

You didn't do anything wrong, my boy.

It's just the nature of showbiz!

Bloody tell me when you're about to finish!

You completely ghosted me!

Uh, I gotta go.

Well, uh.

I guess, uh, Fat Psychic's been cancelled.

Cancelled?

Yeah.

I actually had a dream about this happening.

But, hey, on the bright side, you know, you and me can hang out a lot more together.

We can do some real ghost cases.

f*ck!

What? No. Don't...

Don't do that! No, no!

You know, then we can maybe join one of those father-son sack races you were talking about?

What the f*ck is a father-son sack race?

That doesn't even physically make sense!

It's not a three-legged race; it's not a sack race.

So what is it?

I guess it's a race for your nutsacks?

Or you put your nuts in a bag?

I don't know!

(groans)

All right.

I'm going back to LA.

Oh, what do you mean? You just got here!

I only came here for the g*dd*mn TV show!

You knew about that the whole time?

I read the trades.

What are the trades?

They're the showbiz industry journals!

I don't know that! I just got into showbiz.

It's early for me.

What about the haunted apartment?

I only rented that haunted apartment so I would have an excuse to bond with you, ya dumb f*ck.

What about... what about the blowfish?

What about the blowfish?

Ta-da!

Oldest trick in the book.

What book?

♪

I can't believe I raised such a gullible kid.

♪
♪

Hey.

Why are you staring at nothing?

Because I lost everything.

What do you mean?

Well, I guess first off, my TV show got cancelled.

So that was fun.

And then my dad told me that he was only here to be on that TV show, threw a piece of fish in my face, and called me gullible, and left, so I lost him too.

And I guess at the moment I'm just feeling like a big, fat, idiot loser.

Stop that!

You're not an idiot or a loser.

You're a great guy with a big heart who helps people.

People who can't help themselves.

Ghosts.

And you don't need a TV show to prove that.

♪

Besides, you didn't lose everything.

♪

(groans)

♪ ♪