01x02 - Starring Marc Chagall, Abuela and Adolf h*tler

[bunniefuu]

Lee: This is Carol Brady.

Carol was a supportive, dedicated, loving mother, which I think is probably why I hated her.

Because my mother was resentful and manipulative, and watching "The Brady Bunch" only made me feel worse about my own shitty mother.

I mean, look at her. Whose mother looks like that?

You weren't helping, Carol, with your perky little hairdo.

You were making me feel worse, because it's one thing to have a shitty mother, it's another to think that you're the only one with a shitty mother.

So f*ck you, Carol Brady.

♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, then m*therf*cking show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your m*therf*cking hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! ♪

Hola, I'm Dora, and this is my wonderful grandma Abuela.

Hola, this is my abuela.

Abuela is my grandma.

Can you say "abuela"?

Abuela.

Great.

Muy bien!

You said that very well.

Dora: Oh, Abuela, sing us a song.

Boots: Sing, sing!

Con mucho gusto.

♪ Mother's called madre ♪
♪ Papa is your dad ♪
♪ Your padres always love you ♪

♪ Even when you're bad. ♪

Hey, buddy, what's the deal with Dora's mom?

I don't know.

I mean, where is she?

I don't know.

Didn't you ever see her?

I don't know.

Weird, don't you think? You never see her mom.

Dora's with Abuela.

Abuela is her grandma.

I know. It's just weird.

All right, come on, man.

We gotta go. Let's not miss the bus.

♪ Mother's called madre... ♪

All right, fire under it, dude.

♪ Papa is your dad ♪
♪ Your padres always love you... ♪

Come on, come on, come on.

♪ Even when you're bad. ♪
♪ Mother's called madre... ♪

Oh, my God. Okay.

♪ Papa is your dad ♪
♪ Padres always love you, even when you're bad. ♪

Here we go. Okay.

(Singing continues)

Out. Out. Stay positive.

Thom: It's not a big deal, Jon.

I'm sure someone just borrowed it.

Coups begin with a whisper.

Uh, I thought they began by cutting off the king's head.

That's how they end.

They begin with undetectable but undeniable acts of derogation, like stealing someone's couch.

It's just a f*cking sofa, Jon.

Thom, for the dog claiming his territory, it isn't about the tree, it's about the pissing.

That's what corporate life is.

It's not about thinking different or just doing it, it's about who's pissing where and on whom they are pissing.

Corporate America's a German p*rn, Thom.

Someone just took a piss in your office.

(sighs)

f*ck. Lorna!

You want your couch returned immediately...

I want my f*cking sofa and the name of the assh*le...

And the person who took it held responsible.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'll find it.

Gottfrid's just called a Keebler meeting.

A Keebler meeting?

What's Gottfrid doing calling Keebler meetings?

He asked that you be there.

It's in Roth.

What?

Roth.

What... what's Roth?

Gustaff and Gottfrid renamed all the conference rooms.

What... why?

Because we're creative.

The conference rooms on 22 are named after writers, the conference rooms on 23 are named after artists, and the conference rooms on 24 are named after film directors.

Philip or Henry?

Philip or Henry what?

You said the Keebler meeting was in Roth.

Is it Philip Roth or Henry Roth?

There's a Henry Roth?

Just... where is the Keebler meeting?

It's across from Miller.

Arthur or Henry?

Frank.

There's a Frank Miller?

He wrote "Batman."

What the f*ck?

Lee's voice: See, that's why we live in a bubble now... me, Thom, Jules.

We've got this happy little family and I don't want the world f*ckin' with it.

No Facebook, no Twitter, no nothing.

Don't f*ck with my f*ckin' bubble.

Morning, Kevin.

Hey, there she is.

There you go.

Gracias.

Been working on something big, huh?

Some big, new, art-type thing?

Uh, no, not really. Why?

Hang on.

(groans)

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not.

There you go.

God damn it.

What is it?

It's a bubble violation.

Ew. Hey, what's "bubbie" mean?

It's Yiddish for "c**t."

(laughs) Hey, you need some help?

I got it.

Ugh.

(grunts)

(sighs)

(engine starts)

Woman's voice: So I sent my grandson a present.

Is that a crime?

I mean, even in Auschwitz the children could have toys.

They didn't have toys in Auschwitz, Ma.

Is there any discussion with you that doesn't come back to the f*ckin' Holocaust?

Oh, now it's the "f*cking" Holocaust.

Mazel tov.

God forbid he should have a present from his grandmother once in a while.

Oh, guilt.

Holy sh*t, what a surprise.

Ma, if you had wanted to be a grandmother to your grandson, maybe you should have tried being a mother to your daughter.

(horn honks)

Hey! assh*le!

Chill out!

Hey.

Hey.

That box I just picked up... do I have to keep it?

You don't want it?

I don't know yet.

Throw it away.

Well, it's not about the box.

It's about letting the person who sent it know that I never accepted it.

Why?

To hurt them.

Father?

Mother.

Ah, yeah. "Revenge to sender."

Exactly.

Yeah.

Well, we're not supposed to return to sender once we hand it over to the customer, but a mother package...

Sure, bring it in.

Oh, thank you. Okay.

Can I have till tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

I just don't know yet.

Did you tip me last Christmas?

Yeah, 50 bucks.

Okay, one day.

And don't f*ck it up and drop it and sh*t, okay?

Kevin!

It's my ass on the line.

Thank you.

All right.

Thank you.

Thom: They're elves, Gottfrid.

50-year-old elves, Thom.

Created in 1968 by Leo Burnett.

I mean, Leo himself has been dead for 40 years.

When I told that to the client,

they couldn't believe it.

Sorry, sorry. You told that to my client?

I'm creative director in this office, Thom.

I mean, I tell clients if I think they need new life.

We invited them to our office tomorrow to see new work.

Gottfrid, I've got a Coke strategy meeting all afternoon.

When the hell am I gonna prepare new work for tomorrow?

You're a busy man, Thom.

We know that.

Gustaff had an idea he wanted to share with you.

Oh, good.

So Keebler talks about real, yes?

Real ingredients, real chips, real, real, real, and yet these are their spokespeople.

Fakes, cartoons.

Why are you always trying to get rid of elves?

(snaps fingers)

Ernie.

Ma.

J.J.

Fast Eddie.

We want to get rid of the fake elves.

Thom, these are real, just like I'm real and Keebler fudge is real.

Holy sh*t, Maya. Midgets?

Do midgets test well?

Little people, Thom.

Maya: Reality tests well with the millenials, Thom.

We have been struggling with the perception of the elves as old and out of touch.

They've been asking for something new.

Man: Well, I can only speak for the production department, but if we never had to animate another elf, I'd be thrilled.

Do you like this idea?

Yes.

I think it's at least worth sharing with them.

Jesus.

We do a series on the web.

Okay? Where our target lives.

High production values, top directors.

Not commercials, but short films, okay?

Let's show these elves with some real problems.

Real issues. Real chocolate.

J.J.'s girlfriend dumps him or Fast Eddie gets a bad report card.

Real issues with real people, because they are real, just like our fudge.

They would totally own "real."

Man: You know who would be great for this spot?

Lance Acord.

He directed that great VW spot.

I was thinking Noam Murro.

What about the guy that did the Willy Wonka films?

He did all that great Oompa Loompa work.

No, no, a documentarian. For real.

Ken Burns.

Michael Moore could be good.

Maya: Not Michael Moore.

We have to stay approachable.

Keebler's core attributes are real and approachable.

Oh.

Yes. Rob Reiner.

Rob Reiner?

Have you seen "Wolf of the Wall Street"?

He's totally hot right now.

Uh-huh.

He's not a documentarian.

"Spinal Tap." Best documentary ever.

"Hello, Cleveland!"

(Phone buzzing)

That's not a real documentary.

So?

So, what, you want to use a fake documentarian to make a real film about fake elves to make them seem real?

"This one goes to 11."

(laughter)

Hey.

Lee: How's your day?

Shitty. Elves are fake.

I'm in a Coke meeting all afternoon and my sofa's missing.

You?

Ma sent Jules a present.

Where is it?

On our dining room table.

Oh, Christ, Lee.

Why the f*ck did you bring it home in the first place?

Because I'm pathetic.

Guy at the post office said I could bring it back tomorrow, so...

Take it back now, Lee.

That's not a present for Julius.

It's a "f*ck you" to you.

It's just sitting there, staring at me.

I haven't done any work. Not one f*cking minute.

Which is precisely what your mother wanted.

Take it back now, Lee.

Okay. sh*t, I've gotta go. I'll call you later.

Coke meeting at 1:00 in Chayefsky.

On 22?

24.

Writers are on 22.

I thought he was a director.

Why?

Because he's on 24.

Okay, Lorna, where the f*ck is the meeting?

It's next to Lee.

Harper.

(scoffs) Spike.

For f*ck's sake.

What is it, Ma?

What'd you get him, a f*ckin' Torah?

From your mouth to God's ears.

Don't you see the irony here?

All those years you told me I was a bad mother, and here you are sending your son's present back.

Oh, so I'm the bad mother?

I never sent your presents back.

Ma, I told you that I needed some space.

I told you that I would reach out to you when I was ready.

Why can you not honor that?

Because I love you.

Oh, please, Ma!

Yeah, you love me. You just don't... like me.

I'm your mother, Lee.

Oh, we're not having this discussion.

Oh, sure, sure. Walk away.

God forbid I should violate your bubble.

We all have tsuris, zeindeleh, not just you and your sheigetz husband!

Shut up!

So that's Gottfrid's big idea?

To make the elves real?

Yeah, he's creative director.

He gets to make those kinds of decisions.

Maybe if you'd play the game the way I tell...

Who the f*ck wants to eat cookies made by real elves living in a real f*cking tree?

Why are they living in a tree, Jon?

Are they homeless?

Where do they sh*t?

"Where do they sh*t"?

Do they have toilets?

I'm asking because they're real now, so I want to know as a Keebler consumer am I eating cookies made in a tree by homeless little people who are sh1tting all over the floor?

Keebler is not the g*dd*mn issue, Thom.

Your couch is the g*dd*mn issue.

Why do you keep talking about my f*cking couch?

I'm trying to save your job.

I'm talking about my job.

You're talking about my g*dd*mn couch.

Thom, you live in the creative world.

I live in the corporate world.

And in my world, a cup isn't a cup, a couch isn't a couch, a corner office isn't a corner office.

It's a cock, Thom.

And everyone wants the big one.

You know how many men have a 10-inch penis?

In this room?

One in 19,000.

Why do you know this?

Now imagine if every man could just steal an inch or two from another man.

You know, walking down the street, or on a bus, or in a workplace.

Just, bam, now I got two more inches.

Everyone would be looking to steal penis inches from everyone else, and everyone would be terrified that someone was stealing from them.

That is Corporate America, Thom.

Except the penis is a coffee cup or a stapler or a couch or a corner office.

Your couch is a Corporate-American memento mori.

So get your head out of Ernie Keebler's ass and go find out who stole your d*ck.

Bella: I don't think you should be sending it back.

Lee: And why not?

Because it's not yours. It's Jules'.

Well, it's not Jules' until I give it to him.

It's Jules' when she gets it for him.

Don't you see what's happening here, Lee?

Because she was a shitty mother to you, you're doing something shitty to Jules.

And that's the hardest part of being a healthy adult... is how to protect ourselves from our lousy parents without hurting our children.

Have you noticed all the f*cking grandparents at school lately?

I mean, what the f*ck is going on?

Drop-offs, pick-ups.

It's weird, right?

Free transportation. It's not genuine love.

Don't worry.

Oh, good.

Ugh.

Oh, you're right. You're right.

You know who can go f*ck herself?

Who?

Dora.

Dora who?

The "Explora."

(laughs)

She won't stop with this Abuela/grandmother sh*t. Every episode lately.

It's like, "Do you even have a f*cking mother?"

She's with her grandmother every f*cking day.

Never see her mother.

It's all those f*cking shows, though.

Max and Ruby, no parents.

The f*cking Muppets don't even have parents.

No parents? I'd like to be a Muppet.

Right? No periods. Weight never changes.

Right? And some guy's got his finger stuck up your ass all day.

(both laugh)

Maya: Happiness...

(Button clicking) we all want it.

We all pursue it.

But Coca-Cola owns it.

Coca-Cola has owned happiness for the past 100 years.

Here I was wasting my money on Xanax, and all I needed was a soda.

(laughter)

Man: Unbelievable.

I hated Xanax.

I switched to Prozac.

Prozac made me sleepy.

Lexapro's the b*mb, yo.

I hated Lexapro.

Maya: Happy pills aside, today Coca-Cola has a problem.

There's no joy in Cokeville, for mighty America has struck out.

So this is it?

This is how you're gonna keep your job, by dressing like a teenager?

Oh, f*ck you, Thom. Nice haircut.

How many new clothes have you bought since the Swedish invasion?

Nice kicks, by the way, Jesse Owens.

Didn't figure you for a runner.

So here's the problem.

w*r.

Unemployment.

Disillusionment.

I bought these clothes because of my depression, if you must know.

Yeah, well, I bought the push-up bra because of anxiety.

Well, you look ridiculous.

Please. You are one Jack Spade messenger bag away from full-on creative-class douchebag.

Maya: The economy's in the toilet.

I mean, the country, it's coming apart at the seams.

And this Internet age, same as it ever was... a handful of trillionaires and billions of poor suckers who made them that way.

Low expectations, high unemployment, they all add up to the real problem for Coke.

Happiness. It tests poorly.

So how do we sell happiness in the age of disillusionment?

Wow.

This is great. Great stuff, Maya.

That's really good.

Team, this is the biggest pitch of the year.

This is the biggest pitch of the last five years.

And she's right.

That is the $3 billion annual advertising budget question.

How do we sell an ice-cold can of happiness in a winter of discontent?

Thom, any answers?

Oh, uh, I'm more of a misery guy.

(Laughter)

I'll handle the Prozac pitch.

Hola! I am Lee, the ungrateful daughter.

This is my Yiddishe mama.

Mama is very sad today.

She was sad yesterday, too.

Mama is sad every day.

Mama says, "Shver tzu zein a Yid."

That's Yiddish!

It means, "It's very hard to be a Jew."

(crying)

Can you say, "Shver tzu zein a Yid"?

Shver tzu zein a Yid.

Great!

This is Pants.

Pants feels bad because his pants cost mama 100 dolares.

Mama says dolares do not grow on trees.

Uh-oh, we better get Knapsack.

We're going on a guilt trip!

(crying)

Don't cry, Yiddishe Mama.

Will you help me and Pants bring this present to Julius?

Great!

First we have to get through the Holocaust.

Can you say Holocaust?

Ugh!

Great!

Oh, I always knew you had talent.

(sighs)

Excuse me?

I told your father, "She has real talent."

You did?

Oh, I was so proud of you.

I wanted to be an artist when I was younger, you know that?

You wanted to be an artist?

I never tried, though.

Ma.

Why not?

Well, I was too busy.

You know, or maybe I was just afraid.

But you... you I could see had real ability.

(sighs)

How come you never told me that?

Why would I tell you that?

Because you were my mother, Ma.

But how would that help you?

I mean, you had some talent.

Not enough. I should lie to you?

I mean, a parent's job is to be honest with their children.

You had some talent, but you were never gonna be Marc Chagall.

I knew that. We all knew that.

So I should encourage you to do something you'll fail at?

Ugh.

You kids think being a liar makes you a good parent.

And the truth hurts, but it's the truth.

It's my job to tell you.

And I'll tell you something about that husband of yours, too.

Mm.

When the next Holocaust comes around, you think he's gonna save you?

Ha! Let me tell you something, bubbeleh.

Just because you married a goy doesn't mean they're not gonna throw you and Julius into the gas chambers.

Bitch!

(both scream)

Ah!

(groans)

You see how she treats her mother?

My advice as a lawyer... send it back now.

Why?

You don't want her to have any claim to a relationship with Julius.

Mm-mm.

I mean, if you guys die or they decide they want visitations, they'll have to prove a relationship.

(sighs)

Honey, it's not even 6:00.

You know what really bothers me?

Jonathan was right.

It's not just a sofa. It's not just a box.

These are ghosts. We're besieged by ghosts.

Your mother lives a thousand miles away, and yet she can stop you from painting.

Fake elves grow old in a make-believe tree.

And here, in the middle of the woods, in the middle of f*cking Woodstock, New York, I'm in the shithouse with my client.

We're haunted by ghosts and witches.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Just like that, you f*ck with our bubble.

♪ Mother is called madre ♪

♪ Papa is your dad... ♪

Hey, big J.

Hey, dude. You ready to go?

Yeah.

We're taking Julesy out to dinner.

♪ Mother is called madre ♪

(Lee groaning)

♪ Papa is your dad... ♪

So are you worried that he's so into Dora?

I'm not worried that Jules is into Dora, no.

I'm worried that the rest of the world is worried that Julius is into Dora.

It's not Julius I got the problem with.

It's the rest of mankind.

'Cause I'd totally f*ck Dora.

(laughs)

Wait, Dora, honey, there's something I want to explore with you.

It's a joke.

Lee: You want to keep it, you can.

If you want to send it back, we can do that, too.

Thom: Your call, buddy.

You want to keep it?

Julius: Why did she send it?

Lee: I don't know.

Julius: Did I ever meet her?

When you were a baby.

I think maybe she's getting old now and she just wants to get to know you better.

How come she doesn't ever come over?

Well, you know, we didn't get along so much.

How come?

My mother didn't really love me very much.

Mm?

Some mothers are like that.

And some fathers, too, yeah.

Hey, but not yours.

(Laughing)

So what do you think, buddy?

Do you want to keep it?

Well, I do like presents.

Oh, everybody likes presents.

It could be Dora's Magical Castle Playhouse.

Yeah, it could be. It could be.

Could be a Torah.

A thousand yarmulkes.

If we send it back...

Lee: Mm-hmm.

Can we go to the store and get Dora's Magical Castle Playhouse?

Sure, buddy.

Muchos gracias!

(laughing)

Hey, nice, dude.

♪ Your mother is called madre... ♪

No, please don't.

Both: ♪ Papa is your dad... ♪

No! No!

♪ Your papa always loves you ♪

Stop it.

♪ Even when you're bad. ♪

Excuse me. We'll take the check now please.

♪ Your mother is called madre... ♪

Lee: No, please!

♪ Papa is your dad ♪
♪ Your papa always loves you ♪
♪ Even when you're bad. ♪

No? Sorry. Okay.

(Laughs)

Maya: We think this is a big idea and we know reality tests well with millenials.

We've been struggling with the perceptions of the elves as old and out of touch.

Debbie: We know this is a new idea for you, but we think stepping back from animation could help.

Gives the brand new life.

It'll really move the needle.

Maya: We have a unique window of opportunity here.

Let's humanize this brand...

Cookies, milk, mother, home.

It's more than a cookie. It's a philosophy.

Debbie: We need to think outside the cookie box.

At the end of the day, all we're really changing is the approach.

Your core values never change.

We think it's a big idea.

Not a one-year idea, but a 10-year idea.

It has, uh, legs, as they say.

Well, it's definitely new.

(Whispering)

Woman: I'm just not sure what Kevin is gonna think.

I think I'd like to get it in front of some focus groups.

Thom, what do you think?

Yeah, you're creative director on this.

Um, if you're happy, I'm happy.

I think we're happy.

We're happy.

Great. We are, too.

Good work, Gustaff.

It's Gottfrid.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

(women gasp)

Debbie: Thom, are you okay?

Yes.

Well, that's gonna stain.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, just... you can keep it.

Lee's voice: You know, I used to think my mother didn't like Thom because he wasn't Jewish.

And then I realized that she hated him because he made me happy.

It was the happiness that really bugged her.

In a Jewish wedding, you smash a glass to remind you of the destruction of the ancient Holy Temple, to remind you, basically, that sh*t happens.

The rabbis, see, they didn't even want you to have a single day, not even your f*cking wedding day, that didn't have some misery in it, some sh*t.

So I decided not to do it.

Not to break the glass.

Mother went crazy.

"Why?" she cried. "Why?"

"Because," I said.

"Because you don't f*ck with my f*cking bubble."

(glass breaks)

(exhales)

Wait!

(sighs)

Yeah. Yeah. Uh.

Feels good, doesn't it?

I think I just came.

(laughs)

(glass breaks)

♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪