01x04 - Celebrity

[bunniefuu]

Morning, Miss. Morning, Miss.

Morning, Miss.

Really?

Slight sense of humour failure.

Maybe he prefers Ms.

To be fair I have ignored the same remark five days in a row.

Can't take a joke since the Force got rid of him.

Left by a choice. Unlike some.

Left by choice, got suspended.

Much the same really.

No, it's not, Ian.

Plenty of smooth, couldn't handle the rough.

We can all handle a bit of rough.

Girl after my own heart.

It's got nothing to do with rough.

Touched a nerve.

No nerves, you're just saying the same thing every day.

Easy.

I'm easy! I'm easy.

All right?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Calm down, mate. I don't want to have to restrain you for your own safety.

YOU restrain ME?

Oh, yeah.

Really?

Yes.

OK. Let's have it.

All right.

Like this.

Fight, fight, fight.

Fight. Kiss!

What?

Just thought I'd try it, see how we go.

What I meant to say was, "Leave him. Come on. He's not worth it."

Oh, and you, no ex boyfriends, right?

None at all.

None.

No, my ex boyfriend, Ryan. Don't let him in.

Ah. Understood.

No ex boyfriends!

Hello. Can I see a um...? Can I see a baby doctor?

A baby can't be a doctor! I can get you an old doctor with no hair who looks a bit like a baby.

OK.

I've been getting these cramps. And I'm not sure it's right.

Are you registered?

I'm not from here.

I'm just passing.

I'm not due for like five months.

She should be in antenatal.

They said they couldn't see me.

Are you hiding behind something?

OK, Pat. Thank you very much.

Here. Fill that in.

You won't believe this.

My ex husband has written a book on feminism?

No, her!

She's from the telly. It's her off of Shag.

Shag?

Sussex hunks and girlfriends.

She's come dressed as a spy?

It's Comfort Evans!

Let's just try and stay professional, shall we?

Yeah.

Sorry, you'll need to sign this as well.

This is your third time with us, I hear. Don't forget to stamp your loyalty card.

Morning.

It is, yes.

And....?

And... did you sleep well?

Meaning?

It was just a polite enquiry.

My wife and I have a perfectly normal relationship.

Good. I was just making small-talk.

Small?

Hm?

I know what you're getting at.

Do you? That makes one of us.

Are you married?

Me? No.

Then you're not really in a position, are you?

To do what?

Pontificate.

Right.

Well, I was just trying to be nice.

Just trying to sh**t the breeze.

sh**ting! There it is.

SO much aggression.

Wow.

Hello, look at me. Me. So today we have a minor celebrity in our midst.

She has specifically asked us to keep it quiet but somebody may have let it slip... on facebook.

What?

Consequently, there are several paparazzi trying to sneak into this unit by disguising themselves, hiding in dustbins and laundry ba-

Baskets!

And apparently, staff meetings!

Just get down to work. Keep your eyes open and your ears and everything else.

Thought you would have spotted that one.

Old Constable Quick here.

Eh? PC... World.

OK, look, my point is... that just because this Comfort Evans is a minor celebrity -

Actually she's C list because she married Jamie Gordon.

Her footballer husband puts her on the cusp. Cusp is in the middle.

It's like where would you go now after Ryan cos he was a butcher?

He IS a butcher. He's not dead.

Yeah, go on. Where are you going with this?

It's like, realistically, to go up, you'd need... a manager of a phone shop.

Look, just because this girl has had a tiny, teeny bit of fame, it doesn't mean we're going to treat her any differently to a normal patient.

And Tash, phone, please.

What about my human rights?

I had to take those away because you weren't using them properly.

Right. Meeting over.

I'm sorry, mate.

Truly sorry.

That's all right.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, we all say things we don't mean. Sorry I had a go.

You're entitled. I were bang out of order this morning.

Hm. Not just this morning, eh?

Come again?

You have said the same thing five days in a row.

I'm only apologising for this morning.

Not the other days.

You said the same thing.

I didn't go on to say the other things like this morning.

Because I let it go until today.

It was a joke!

A barbed comment.

AND we've just had an undercover hack infiltrate a staff meeting.

Do we actually have any security?

OK. I apologise for the past week.

Ten little soldiers.

BOTH: Ten little soldiers kicking down the door.

I'm sorry about the security comment there. No need for that, eh?

Not a problem. Not a problem.

Right. 'Ey, did you see the photographers outside?

At first I thought they were bird-watchers then a seagull flew past.

Not one of 'em looked up.

I were like, "Hang on."

I'd be surprised if Jamie Gordon actually turns up.

If it's true.

There's this stuff about having an affair with an older woman.

Really?! I don't read those sort of magazines.

Sometimes they take his piccy and he's only had a chance to put his pants on.

I'm sure he's very busy. (GASPS)

They're very snug, aren't they?

She said he's caught in traffic.

I'd like to catch him in my traffic.

That doesn't even make any sense.

I know what I mean.

Still, I would.

I would.

I would.

I've had worse.

What do you think, Matthew?

Jamie Gordon.

What's your opinion? As a sort of man.

OK, yes, he's an athlete, isn't he? So he's obviously very fit.

You've got to look at the picture.

Do I really?

I think I know what he looks like. I've -

Very good. Yes. Nice.

Nice body?

Mm.

Nice underpants?

Yeah.

Nice nipples?

I do wonder though if this sort of thing doesn't just depict men as objects in some way.

No? OK, you're right.

Phwoar!

Hello, Comfort. Are you OK?

Shh!

I'm not here.

Yeah, you are.

You're probably just feeling a little bit spaced out.

Can I look after her? Please. PLEASE.

No. You've got Mrs Renwick. Matthew's got her.

That's not fair.

I saw her first.

(SIGHS)

OK, Tash. I think you're in danger of coming across as a little bit shallow.

Caitlin! The husband's nearly here.

(GASPS) OK.

Tell him to come straight to me.

Especially if he's had to run here.

Maybe he's a little bit sweaty.

I can hear you, you know.

No, you can't. There, there.

Stick her in Room 5.

Can you make Mrs Renwick hurry up and give birth?

No! Why?

Cos I should be with our VIP.

You know who that is?

It's hard to tell.

She's in disguise. Dodging paps.

Is it the German Chancellor Angela Merkel?

No. It's Comfort Evans!

Shag star!

Actress.

Oh, silly me.

Yeah. Duh!

No. No. That is actually quite offensive.

Who to?

Well, to people who actually go, "Duhhhhh".

Really?

Yes! Really.

I'll let you off this time if you tell me what paps are.

Duhhhh!

All right? I'm looking for Comfort.

Well, you've come to the right place.

So she's here, then?

Who?

My wife.

Oh, yes! Yes, she is.

Sorry. Yeah. I'll take you to her.

Can I get you anything? Tea. A shower?

Nah. I'm all right, thanks.

Oranges cut into quarters. Do you do that thing where it looks like you've got a completely orange smile?!

I'm all right for food too, thanks.

Oh, God. Yes. No, of course.

Yeah. You athletes. Always watching your figure.

I spy with my medically-trained eye someone who goes to the gym.

Yeah. Very much like myself.

Oh, yeah? What do you bench?

Hm?

What do you bench at? Weights. How many pounds can you lift?

Yeah. I bench at... 12 mainly. You?

160.

160?

You could bench me.

I could. I am pretty strong.

Yes, you are.

What about my wife?

I wouldn't, no. Not in her state.

Do you shave down there? Your legs.

Oh, for aerodynamics. Not so much for the football, more for the modelling.

It's funny cos the gaffer's - Actually, where is she?

Who?

Comfort. I should probably be with her instead of here with you.

OK. So...

You were the only one I was allowed a fling with.

What?

Yeah. I let my ex husband have Pippa Middleton although he ended up with a drug rep from Chorley.

Pretty sure that's a step down.

Please show me where my wife is.

Room 5.

Thanks.

Special delivery.

What, for me?

I hope it's cake.

I don't think so.

I bet it's from Ryan.

That boy doesn't understand the word "get lost".

He doesn't listen, Pat. He never has.

When I dumped a boy they stay dumped.

Often requiring several years of therapy.

Well, you're an example to us all, Pat.

You have to be cruel.

.. to be kind.

No.

Oh, yeah.

It's from Ryan.

You have to admire his perseverance.

But you don't have to admire his bouquet of sausages!

Oh, yeah, there's some flowers made out of bacon.

I suppose he's put some effort in creatively.

If he really cared he'd put in a piece of black pudding.

Why can't I have an ex boyfriend who works for Tiffany's?

You know it's not going to fit in the fridge.

I'll put it in the morgue.

"A sausage in the hand is worth two in the bush."

Hm.

"A sausage in the hand... is worth two in the bush."

Hi. I'm Matthew.

Sorry about the glare in here. It is surprisingly sunny for indoors.

I don't want anybody to know who I am.

He's your husband so probably has a fair idea.

Other people.

Right. I already know who you are, I'm afraid.

You are... Comfort Evans.

You can call me Com.

Mm-hm.

Really?

It's what my friends call me.

Not Comfy?

I could do with an extra pillow.

Yes. OK.

It's an interesting name.

It's Welsh.

Comfort?

Evans. It's a big secret, right?

I think it's quite a common Welsh name, isn't it?

I mean this.

Who's it a secret from?

The public. It's all about timing.

So we're holding it back for six weeks and I'll do a huge splash.

Publicity. My manager says if word gets out I'm going to be dead meat.

Listen, Com...

I do have to tell you that there's been a leak.

Oh, my God.

It's too early for that, isn't it?

No, I mean the cat's out the bag.

Again not a medical term. I'm talking about your secret.

Do the press know I'm here?

Because if they do then someone is in serious trouble.

And when I say serious I mean literally serious.

Let me just um... I think I might have got that wrong.

I think the cat actually might still be in the bag.

So let me go and check. (MEOWS) I think that's the bagged cat there.

Gonna check. One second.

That's very nice. Is there any way we could do one more cos that's a bit ugly.

Do you mind? Not of you. You're not ugly.

I just mean...

And then maybe just like a mad one to show we're a bit of a laugh.

OK.

Oh, that's great. Thanks, Jamie.

All right, sweetheart.

You're the sweetheart!

Thanks for showing me where the fizzy pop shop is.

What are you doing?

What?

We've got to keep the cat in the bag.

What?!

No-one is supposed to know Comfort is in hospital.

Maybe it follows that her husband shouldn't be prancing about.

He's not prancing about.

Bit conspicuous.

Probably doesn't help that you're... canoodling.

Canoodling?!

Were you not canoodling?

No. It was a selfie.

Selfie?

Yeah. Selfie.

What?

Nothing. I just thought you were older than 12.

Are you jealous?

Why would I be jealous?

That you didn't get a selfie.

No.

Not really turned on by obvious male stereotypes.

Neither am I.

Actually... do you know the reason I was taking a selfie?

You are a sl*ve to celebrity like everyone else here.

No. Actually, if you must know... the reason I wanted to take a picture with Jamie Gordon was to wind up Ryan. Because if there's one man he hates more than you it's Jamie Gordon.

He hates ALL footballers who don't play for Chelsea.

Jamie Gordon in particular.

Stop saying Jamie Gordon.

I can stop saying Jamie Gordon. After that time.

I mean, he's not that good-looking in real life.

He's not!

Good. Thank you for clarifying.

Now, I need to find Mr Edward.

He's with Tash's overdue lady.

Perfect. I have to appeal to his better nature.

Well, good luck with that!

Looking at photos of Jamie Gordon?

No.

Natasha wants you to hurry as there's another patient she's more interested in.

I suggest we let nature take its course.

It's not just her. It's me. I'm desperate.

I've had curry, I've tried bouncing on my birthing ball.

Have you tried marital activities?

Arguing?

No, I mean... physical relations.

I think my husband's a bit scared of that at the moment.

Are you a fan of romantic fiction?

I'm not sure.

(I'm a pirate captain. Grrrr. You are my mistress.)

Am I?

Oh. Oh. Well, have you got a hook?

No. I have two whole manly hands.

I see.

I'm coming below deck to have my salty way with you.

Below deck?

Yes.

I'm unshaven, unkempt, unprincipled.

Oh!

I'm gently perspiring as your bosom rises in front of me.

Yeah!

As my pirate earrings glint in the candlelight.

Ow!

There it is!

A contraction.

Indeed.

Goodbye. No charge.

This is hard.

Well, that's what I'm here for, to deal with hard things.

It needs careful handling.

I think.

Better out than in, Matthew.

Unless it's a hernia.

Medical professionals need to be careful about who they have relationships with.

I mean, those in authority.

(GASPS)

Oh, my God.

I think I know what you're trying to say.

Do you?

So the two of us, we work in very close proximity with -

The person in authority is Mr Edward.

You have feelings for Mr Edward?

I'm thinking of his wife.

You have feelings for his wife?

I feel sorry for her, yes.

He is a married man.

And that's what's stopping you?

It should be what's stopping HIM!

From doing what?

From having an affair with a current patient.

(GASPS)

Now I'm a whistle-blower.

Blowing my whistle.

Toot-toot.

I shouldn't have said anything.

No, no, no. This is a very serious accusation, Matthew.

Hey, who's the lucky lady... slash man?

It's not going to be a man, is it?

Why?

I just said it was a patient.

Oh, I see.

'Ey, you're good at this midwife stuff, aren't you?

I like to think I've got the man/woman basics, yeah.

I like to think you have too.

Right, gentlemen, back, please. You're like a pack of wild dogs!

Anyone who steps in front of this line and I'll be taking it back.

You're OK. Anyone who steps in front of this -

All right. THIS line.

Anyone who steps in front of this line -

That's the last time I change it. Don't mess about.

You won't like me when I'm angry.

Don't like you anyway.

I was at Brixton, mate. OK?

Not during the riots obviously.

But I have been there.

So have I, mate. I was there the other week.

Nice little restaurant on the high street.

Well... you can still go back though.

Get yourself back. Good lad.

No flash photography, mate. People in here with leprosy.

Comfort's results. Could've put them on eBay but I didn't.

Just saying.

Pity you didn't show such restraint earlier on.

Don't know what you mean.

OK, panic over. Braxton Hicks as we suspected.

That's good, innit?

Yeah, babe.

But listen...

Babe... Com.

I do need to tell you some paparazzi know you're here.

Who told 'em?

It was... just one of those things.

I guess we'll never find out.

Say I'm here for something different.

Do you do vajazzles?

Do you know, we don't.

My manager, he's going to find out who did this, he's gonna get 'em sacked and I'm not joking. Literally, seriously.

And he's probably gonna sue the hospital for definite.

He sounds awesome, really dope.

He is.

Look, who's in charge?

Technically Luke Edward is our senior consultant.

All right. So...

I'm sure you wouldn't mind telling a little white lie.

You could sweet-talk this Luke guy.

Hm.

I'll love you for ever.

You OK with that?

What?

Did you mean to touch my leg as you said that?

Not a problem. But you did.

Where's the ribbon from that sausage bouquet?

In the bin! What do you want the ribbon for?

Matthew wants it.

"Matthew wants it." Matthew this, Matthew that.

Stop it now.

"Matthew, I'll be your sl*ve, Matthew."

I'm helping a friend.

Oh, helping, is it?

Yes.

Whose jacket is that?

Is that Matthew's jacket?

It's not Matthew's jacket.

I got it from Jamie Gordon.

Jamie's jacket?!

Yes!

Leave the men alone, Lisa!

It's all right. I'm borrowing it for a friend.

What friend?

Matthew.

No!

OK, on behalf of the Easthill Park Maternity Unit I'd like to thank you all very much for coming today to this very exciting event. We are honoured to have the lovely Comfort Evans who's agreed to come here today specially to open the newly-refurbished LisaPatTashIan unit.

So...

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm well happy to be here today.

The LisaPatTashIan unit is awesome.

And if I ever really do get pregnant.... ever, then I hope, wherever it is, it's... half as sick as this place.

So yeah. I declare this ward... literally open.

Comfort and Jamie will now be leaving and unfortunately won't answer any questions today.

So we do ask that you respect the wishes of the family at this run-of-the-mill time.

Can we have your name and position?

Matthew Bunting.

I've got this.

Matthew Bunting, Head of Maternity Operations.

h*m*...

Affairs. Head of Maternity Affairs.

HOMA. Just been changed.

Yes.

Can we see inside?

No. There's paint fumes.

What? It's our head consultant Luke Edward, he's a bit anti-social.

Doesn't like visitors.

No. Indeed.

Or people for that matter. Bit of an eccentric old -

There you are.

What a splendid ceremony.

Must have missed the memo.

I need to see the HOMA in my office. Caitlin thinks we should discuss Mrs Renwick.

My bit of stuff.

Great speech. "Respect the emotions of the family."

Mm-hm. Our lot always say that.

There hasn't been a m*rder.

There hasn't. Not yet.

Did you just smell Jamie's jacket?

No.