06x21 - I'll Wed You In The Golden Summertime

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "The Vampire Diaries"...

The cure to vampirism.

You're gonna take the cure, Elena, and I'm gonna take it with you.

I can't let you do this before you've let everyone in your life try to talk you out of it.

I'm pregnant.

Marry me.

Yes.

Stefan: If my life is gonna fall apart when my humanity starts flooding back, then so is yours.

I tried to k*ll you, and then I made you turn it off.

I ruined everything.

Jo: Before the 1900s, Lily fell in with a group of witches that were cast out of the Gemini coven.

Heretics are ruthless, vampires with witch power.

They can never be allowed to escape.

It's time we get the hell out of this place.

You went off the deep end last night.

Aah!

I'm a mess.

Unh!

You have no idea what devastation feels like, but you will.

Elena?

Hello again, Bonnie.

Lily. I thought Stefan locked you in the cellar.

He did, but prisons are easily escaped.

You of all people should know that.

What do you want?

Must I constantly repeat myself?

If you don't know what I want by now...

You want your creepy witch vampire family back.

Well, at the risk of repeating myself, there's no way.

Isn't there? What's that term you witches are so fond of? "Loophole"?

Hmm. Even if there is a loophole, I won't help you find it.

Oh, you've made your position quite clear.

Apparently, I failed to do the same, because you seem to think that I'm here for your help.

I'm not.

Phesmatos incendia.

Hmm. Those are lovely words, Bonnie.

Here's another one... die.

[Gasp]

Unh! Ohh!

Agh!

Wow. You are not good at running.

Motus.

No magic? Oh, that's my fault.

I was spooning you earlier.

I think I might've sleep-siphoned you.

Oh, but keep trying. It's adorable, like you're having a little seizure.

How are you...

Did you think you could keep screwing people over and there wouldn't be any consequences?

Lily: Now...

Where were we?

[Snarls]

Up, up, up. Come on. No time to sleep in.

We have to get Jo.

Get Jo?

Yeah.

Is everything ok?

I hope so, considering she's walking down the aisle in t-minus 10 hours.

Come on. [Claps]

Wedding bells await.

Crap.

They're not here.

What's wrong?

My shoes. My gorgeous, ridiculously expensive, wear them once and then never again shoes. They are missing.

Do you want me to do a locator spell?

On my shoes?

Mm-hmm.

Is that possible?

I don't know, actually.

Just hang on. I got to figure out how to work this stupid thing.

Oh, good. Break it because my wrinkled dress will surely distract everyone from my bare feet.

Hey, hey. Come on.

Don't waste all your panic now.

You still have 8 hours until the ceremony.

Non-alcoholic mimosa?

One, a non-alcoholic mimosa is just orange juice, and two, I can't drink.

Somebody should drink. You should drink.

I will drink, eventually, but I have human tolerance now, which is cheaper but a lot less fun.

Cheers.

[Cell phone ringing]

Oh. Oh!

Relax.

[Exhales]

Jo's phone.

Oh. Huh.

Uh, ok.

That's not an "ok" ok.

That's a "there's a problem" ok.

Yeah, we'll call you back. Ok, bye.

Danielle's got the flu.

Heh. It sounded like you just said Danielle has the flu, which is impossible because Danielle is my wedding coordinator.

Yeah.

Well, how sick is she? Can she still work?

It depends on how much vomit you want to have at the wedding.

Caroline: To be honest, I think maybe this is a good thing, because no matter how good Danielle was, I am pretty sure I'm better.

Caroline.

I missed you.

I missed me, too.

Thank you for getting me back.

[Sniffles]

Hi.

[Caroline laughs]

Ok. Now, we got a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it.

Elena, just have a drink.

You're not going to pass out.

Bonnie, the switch is on the left-hand side on the back.

Oh.

And Jo, I can see your shoes under the couch.

Ok, now, who's dealing with the boys?

Ok, we got suits.

I got the rings.

And the vows.

So... what do we do now?

Tyler: To Alaric Saltzman, who after today, will have sex with only one woman for the rest of his life.

Seriously, just one. You can't even look after this.

Not that chicks are throwing themselves at an occult studies professor, but...

Yeah, actually, you should probably lock this down while you can.

Yeah, you remember how great it was when you two were fighting?

Sorry. Full moon tonight.

Feeling extra dickish.

And what's your excuse?

[Cell phones ringing]

What? What is it?

Wedding day chores.

Both: Courtesy of Caroline.

Karma. Sweet, sweet karma.

Ha!

Ok, the boys are officially taken care of.

Bride and maid of honor are in hair and makeup.

I'm gonna head to the venue and fix whatever they're screwing up.

Elena, the curling iron.

Yes, I see it, Care.

Ok.

I'm human now, not blind.

And I'm not fragile, either.

You don't have to walk on eggshells around me.

Uh, I do, actually, because if you walked on them, they could cut you, you'd get infected, and probably die.

You know what?

Given my luck, that actually seems possible.

[Both giggle]

So what's it like now in the world of the living?

It's different. I'm slower.

I have to look both ways before crossing the street.

But it's nice to not...

Be a monster like me who turns off their humanity and commits m*rder instead of dealing with grief like a normal person?

I was gonna say not to have to wear a daylight ring all the time.

[Chuckles]

Look, I'm so sorry, Elena, I was trying to hurt you when I said that you would never truly be happy with Damon because you weren't human.

And now you are, and I just hope that it's not because I made you think that you would be miserable for eternity.

Care. I've wanted to be human from the day I became a vampire.

Besides, I'm the last person that you need to apologize to.

Thanks. I kind of wanted to start with an easy one.

The dreaded amends tour.

Mmm. If you see Stefan, by the way, I am avoiding.

I just need to get my life in order first.

Starting with my friends.

Stefan's not a friend?

Stefan's... complicated.

I just figured I'd work my way up to that one.

Well, you're in the clear.

He's got his hands full with Damon today.

What's wrong with Damon?

Not much. He just said he would take the cure with me.

Damon Salvatore?

Human? I...

I can't even picture it.

Yeah. Something tells me neither can he.

Damon: "Sure, I'll be your best man, Ric, but first, hang out with the worst men so that my brother can kidnap me on the day of your wedding."

Hey, don't you hate weddings anyway?

I hate little Stefan mind games even more.

Hmm.

So any time you want to clue me in as to where the hell we're going.

Oh, come on. It's your last few days as a vampire.

You can't blame me for wanting to spend some quality time with my brother.

Ah, look. Here we are.

Is Mr. Rogers expecting us?

You know Mr. Rogers is dead, right?

Yeah, we're gonna be joining him in make-believe if you don't get to the damn point.

So this is a house I lived in during one of my many attempts to start over.

Welcome to your suburban nightmare.

You don't think I've thought this through?

Well, I think you've thought about a life with Elena.

I don't think you've thought about neighbors or a mortgage or...

Or kids.

I don't know.

Might not be your thing.

Relax. Relax.

I'm not here to cause mischief.

Said everyone who ever causes mischief.

I told Lily I'd visit.

Is this like some Oedipus thing?

All right. You know what? Doesn't matter.

Excuse me, little witch.

If you think I'm gonna let you...

A ruiner... in here to see another ruiner on the day of Jo's wedding, you got another thing coming.

She's lonely and hungry.

And she can't eat that.

I'm not trying to feed her.

I'm trying to keep her sane.

That is filled with loads of songs from the last era she knew.

I thought it might bring her comfort.

If you're not a complete monster, I trust you'll pass it on.

Lily: I want my family back.

That's all I've ever wanted, to have my family back with me where they belong.

What?

Ohh!

Aah!

She was rambling on about her family, and then I got close to her, and she att*cked me like an animal.

Sounds like she's reached the full-blown crazy stage of drying out.

You're saying this is all because she's drying out?

It's hard for me to explain how awful it is, but, yeah, your mind starts playing tricks on you.

You start seeing things and people.

What happens when the crazy stage is over?

Well, Stefan said that he has a plan, you know, to get her back on track.

Does that plan involve letting her out?

Because if he thinks she's giving up on her family...

She has to.

Bonnie, you already destroyed the ascendant.

What if there's a loophole?

[Footsteps]

I'm dreading it, but I guess I should think about putting the dress on.

Something's wrong.

It's not the dress, is it? Tell me it's not the dress.

We were just discussing the fact that there's a desiccating vampire locked in a cell less than 50 feet from where we're getting ready.

Did she do something to the dress?

The dress is fine.

I'm just being paranoid.

Matt: Ok. Truck's here. Who's coming?

Caroline suggested in a semi-threatening way that I pick up the centerpieces, which sounds like a Donovan screw-up waiting to happen.

I'll come!

Thank you!

Yeah.

Caroline: No, not there. There.

Just a little bit higher.

Well, that's not a little, but...

But I'm bad at flowers?

Yeah. I assumed you knew that.

Caroline, why am I here?

I tried to k*ll you.

My humanity was off, but I still tried to k*ll you, and you're my friend, and I'm sorry.

That's funny.

You and I moved on a while ago, but getting tortured by your ex and her new boyfriend is never good for the ego.

He's not my boyfriend.

Whatever he is. I can't keep up.

You have to know I would never do anything like that if it weren't for...

You're good, Care, and if you want to make amends, let me get the hell out of here.

Ha ha ha! Nice try, ok, but if I were getting married at an altar that looked like that, I would be divorced in a week, so come on, Lockwood.

Next row.

Liv: Honestly, you should probably do that yourself.

Liv, what are you doing here?

You do know that Jo's my sister, right?

Goodie! More amends.

Drinks will help! Strong ones.

You look good.

Thanks.

How are things?

Good.

Still recovering from that injury?

What injury?

Whatever head injury turned you into a monosyllabic goon.

Monosyllabic. That's an awfully big word for a college dropout.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was I supposed to stay at Whitmore after my ass of a boyfriend told me he never wanted to see me again?

Hang on. You're mad at me?

I lost my brother and then my boyfriend in the span of a week.

And instead of coming to me, you tried to k*ll yourself.

I was hurt.

That doesn't make it ok.

You're lecturing me on flying off the handle?

Wow! You know what?

I'm gonna wait outside.

Gemini wedding means big coven reunion heading this way.

Elena says she's desiccating and that's why she's crazy, but...

Yeah.

She k*lled two people last week when she wasn't desiccating.

I know this will sound crazy, but I've been having these nightmares with her and Kai.

Here.

What's this?

When Bonnie Bennett has a hunch, you don't ignore it.

What do you think we should do?

I know what we shouldn't do...

Leave her in the hands of two people we don't trust.

Yeah, it's nice.

Brazilian hardwoods, open floor plan, updated kitchen.

What kind of roadkill are you cooking in there?

Well, considering the fact that you actually have to eat as a human, I just wanted to give you a little taste of what your dinner's gonna look like.

You don't cook, Elena doesn't cook.

Who has time anyway with work and kids, right?

Mmm. Salisbury steak. Dig in, Damon.

You're gonna need all that energy for these.

Oh, yeah? What's this?

That's just the rest of your life.

Paperwork? That's your big move?

Let me ask you something.

When was the last time you filled out paperwork of any kind...

Taxes, health insurance, driver's license?

Every idiot in the country does it.

You think I'm gonna have trouble with this?

You will the first time you encounter some moron that you can't k*ll or compel.

Maybe. Then I would just come home and pop a beer from my beautiful stainless steel refrigerator.

Which you won't be able to afford unless you have a job, and if you're about to say you can borrow money from me, you can't.

Well, that's not very brotherly of you.

Actually it is. See, I won't know where you live.

You'll have the cure running through your veins, and if I know where you are, then someone can use me to track you down and take the cure from you and turn you into a 172-year-old corpse.

What's the matter? Haven't thought that far ahead?

See, eventually, word will spread, and you and Elena will have to move away.

You'll have to isolate yourself, no friends, no family.

This will be your life, Damon.

This will be your hell.

Well, that is where you are wrong, my brother.

This will not be my life.

This will be my life.

See, Elena was pretty explicit about what she wanted.

Now this isn't Tribeca.

New York's a little too crowded for me, but it is above a bar that I own next to a medical school.

It's in the northwest somewhere.

I mean, I'd tell you where it was, but you made it abundantly clear you didn't want to know.

Heh heh.

I'm gonna check out upstairs.

[Cell phone ringing]

I'm on my third glass, so speak slowly.

You know how you and I were both worried that he didn't think this through?

He thought it through.

Ha! It's Damon. He didn't.

He's ready to do this, Elena.

He's got your perfect little life all planned out.

I want the perfect human life with him, too, Stefan, trust me, but life isn't perfect.

Ok? Look. You have a few more hours, so push him, make him see that.

[Sighs]

Jo: Hey.

Remember when you were pacing yourself?

Heh. I do.

Right before I told my ex-boyfriend how to get my current boyfriend to give up hope for our relationship.

What if I made a huge mistake by taking the cure?

The only mistake you made was that last glass of champagne.

I'm gonna go make some coffee before you spiral through the earth to China.

Yeah, ok.

Ooh.

Jo?

Are you ok?

Jo!

Hey, Jo, Jo!

Jo! Jo!

The doctor got the test results back.

The babies are fine, you're fine.

He thinks it was just...

An acute panic att*ck brought on by stress, pregnancy, and a severe lack of food.

Yeah.

What are the chances of you being an amazing maid of honor and keeping this mortifying episode to yourself?

I don't want to worry Ric.

Of course.

You can't tell her that I told you.

Ok. Fine, but I want to see her.

Not till the wedding.

Elena!

Ric, if there's anywhere that you should be superstitious, it's Mystic Falls.

Ok. Fine, but what happened?

The doctors think that she had a panic att*ck.

As in she doesn't want to get married to me panic att*ck? Great.

No, as in it's her wedding day and she has two small humans growing inside her and she can't self-medicate like you, bourbon breath.

Sorry. I just... I saw her fall, and my first instinct was to vamp to her, but I couldn't, and then I saw her hit her head, and I wanted to give her vampire blood, but I couldn't.

Wait. So are you having second thoughts?

No, because then I thought, "what would a human do?"

So I called 911, got her to the hospital, and then I let the doctors do their job, and it felt oddly empowering.

Why didn't you tell me?

Tell you what?

How amazing it feels to be human again.

At first, I was worried that it might take the edge off my senses, but it's the opposite.

I feel...

Connected to the world again.

I feel...

Alive?

Yeah.

That's because your life has purpose again.

It's finite, and it's...

Pretty much the greatest feeling in the whole world.

I made you guys some amazing drinks with a little bit of Tequila.

Ok. A lot of Tequila.

And there's only one of you.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything.

He said angrily.

Nothing has changed.

What? Because she walks in here with a pretty dress and a new haircut, I'm supposed to forget how she acted?

No. You're supposed to talk to her like an adult and work out your problems.

You don't know about our problems.

No, but I know about your problems...

Unless you're cool with only making it two weeks in the police academy and then having no purpose in life.

At least when you had her, you were trying, Tyler.

You're giving me advice about relationships after all your Stefan drama this year?

Do me a favor. Figure out your own damn life.

Let me worry about mine.

[Cell phone vibrating]

Well, I applaud you for your effort, Stefan, but I think it's time for the "this is your life" tour to end.

You get the address?

Yep. Tuxes are in the car.

We're good to go.

Good.

Oh, hey! Just one more thing.

Ohh. What now?

You gonna give me a lecture on laundry, oil changes, personal hygiene?

Breakups.

What about them?

Well, I guess you hadn't really thought about that, right?

What if you and Elena aren't really soul mates?

You know I'm not very big on labels, bro, but I think we're pretty good on that front.

Ahh. Yeah. You sound like me 4 years ago.

You know, Elena and me, we were soul mates, too.

Watch it, Stefan.

Hey. I'm just being realistic.

I mean, what if something goes wrong?

You're still human, still isolated, still alone.

Not gonna happen.

Right because couples stay together forever.

They never fight, they never hurt each other, they never drift apart.

Heh.

Let me show you.

You're still up.

Rough night?

Just... long.

I keep having to tell myself a couple more years of residency, and I'll be free.

Come sit, have a drink with me.

I'm actually kind of tired.

I'm gonna go to bed.

[Yawns]

Oh, God! Elena has a job. Somebody, help me!

Oh, that's just two years in.

Wait till you hit 7.

Hello.

You're drunk.

I sense judgment, which is odd.

You're the one that wanted me to own a bar.

I wanted you to own it, Damon, not pass out on it every night.

Yeah? Well, that bar's a lot more affectionate than you.

Elena: Heh!

I just finished my residency, Damon.

I'm working my but off to build a career.

Well, I'm drinking my butt off building mine.

If you're that unhappy, then just sell the bar.

And do what?

I don't care, Damon.

Whatever it is you want to do.

Well, that's the thing, Elena.

I can't do what I want to do because what I want to do is drink all night without getting drunk, drive my car like a psycho without fear of death.

I want to tear someone's head off without getting arrested.

You're right, Damon.

You can't do any of those things anymore.

Because of you.

I can't because of you.

Just say it.

This was a damn mistake.

You're right.

This was a mistake.

[Glass shatters]

Get out of my head!

Unh!

I see what you're doing.

This isn't about me being alone.

This is about you being alone without me, without Elena.

Awfully selfish of you brother.

Even if you and Elena defy every single statistic and stay in love every hour of every day...

You still can't control life or death.

She's human. She could die at any moment.

What is your life gonna look like without her?

[Music playing]

[Beep]

[Microwave beeping]

Woman on TV: I just love to serve watermelon.

It couldn't be any more simple.

I do have my own kind of way of serving it that is a little nontraditional, but as long as no one tells.

So what I'm gonna do is clean out the center of that melon, even though...

[Turns off TV]

So you make us drift apart, break us up, and then k*ll her?

That's harsh, brother.

She wanted me to be harsh.

This is her idea, too.

Well, that's funny because the two people closest to me are the two most sadistic.

You know, if you do this, Damon, you're human forever.

No matter what happens, there's no going back.

What do you think I should do?

That's the thing. I can't tell you, Elena can't tell you.

You can't do this for me or for her.

You have to want to be human for yourself.

[Indistinct chatter]

Oh, excuse me. They need some more drinks over there.

Thank you.

Hey! Where's Jo? Is she...

She's fine. They discharged her.

Good. Well, there's a back entrance she can use that avoids being seen.

Ok. I'll tell her.

Great.

Stefan.

Hmm?

I'm gonna go wait for Jo.

Ok.

I'm not used to scaring people away.

People are uncomfortable around Salvatores in tuxes.

It stirs...

Feelings.

Uh-oh. Elena's human again.

Am I sensing another brother swap?

Is he with you?

No. He needed some time to think.

That sounds very ominous.

You don't want him to take it, do you?

Well, it's not up to me.

Stefan, I'm not him.

You can tell me how you really feel.

Look. Of course, I don't want him to take it.

He's my brother.

The thought of losing him is...

Yeah, I know.

So what do you think he's gonna do?

Well, you never knew Damon as a human.

He was aimless, always searching for something more, sweet and earnest to a fault but never strong.

[Hammering, tools whirring]

[Ball thumps]

That came later when he found himself, when he truly became Damon.

He loves being a vampire, and I just don't think he'll ever give that up.

She's gonna k*ll us.

I thought the whole point of this is that we were in control of her.

Not Lily. Caroline.

The wedding starts in an hour.

All we have to do is knock her ass out and drag her to the boiler room.

30 minutes tops.

Bonnie.

Enzo must have let her out.

I have to warn everyone.

[Gasping]

Matt?

Matt, what's wrong?

I can't breathe.

It's like someone's crushing my throat.

Ok. Just hang on. I'll...

[Gags]

Matt.

[Coughing]

[Both coughing]

Lily: Tea, please. Earl Grey.

And to what do I owe the pleasure?

I heard you tried to bring me something called an, uh, mp3 player.

I'm not entirely sure what that is, but still, I wanted to thank you.

And they let you out of your cell to do this?

Of course not, but I'm resourceful.

Hmm. Should I be concerned about an imminent ripper binge?

Actually, no, you shouldn't.

I was a ripper because I lost my family, but today, I'm getting them back.

[Cell phone vibrating]

If you're trying to organize a secret rendezvous...

Alaric: Don't worry. I'm not.

I just need help with my vows.

What rhymes with b*ttlefield clamp?

Divorce?

Heh heh heh. So how are yours coming?

Stop fishing for spoilers.

You know, this place is crawling with Gemini.

Who knew there were so many of you?

Well, there's not much to do in the coven other than procreate.

You haven't seen my dad, have you?

No, actually, but it's big of you to invite your attempted m*rder*r to your wedding.

He gives really good gifts.

Oh, and never say, "big of you," to a pregnant woman.

Heh heh.

I hate that I can't see you right now.

I love that you hate it.

See you soon.

Bye.

Mr. Parker: Maybe I should just, uh, leave my gift and go then.

Dad.

What are you doing back here?

You're my daughter, and I, um... ahem...

I don't expect you to say yes, but...

If I didn't at least ask to walk you down the aisle, I couldn't live with myself.

You're avoiding me.

What?! No. I'm not avoiding you.

I'm trying to organize this whole circus here.

I mean, did you see where they put the bar?

Caroline... Can we talk?

All right. Just say it.

I'm wrong, I'm making this about me, I'm being selfish.

No. Sorry. Not wanting to lose your brother is pretty low on the selfish scale.

Forcing someone to turn off their humanity on the other hand, that...

Hmm. Yeah. That's, uh... That's way up there.

Yeah.

Do you hate me?

No. Of course, I don't hate you.

That doesn't mean that I don't hate the way you handled things.

Well, that makes two of us.

[Music playing]

I made a list...

Of, um, all the things that I've done since I fell for you.

It started last summer when you moved away.

I started obsessing over where you were, wondering why you weren't returning my calls.

I told you I hated you when I felt ignored, missed my mom's final moments because I was kissing you, and then she d*ed...

Caroline.

And all I needed was for you to tell me that you felt something for me, and you didn't, and it affected me so deeply that I did the worst possible thing a vampire can do.

I turned off my humanity, and when I thought I couldn't do anything else, I got you to turn off yours.

Well, I forgive you.

Yeah, but that's the point, Stefan.

The old Caroline wouldn't have forgiven me.

She would have smacked me and said, "what the hell are you doing?"

I hate the way that this has made me feel.

That's because you're a control freak who's lost control.

I feel the same way when I'm around you.

That's what falling for somebody is.

It's being vulnerable.

It's...

Giving up control.

I know...

But where I'm at right now in my life with the guilt and the grief, control is all I have, and I don't think that I can give that up.

[Music continues]

[Sighs]

Hi.

Isn't a bridesmaid's dress supposed to make you look like a freak of nature?

Heh.

Jo went easy on me.

I talked to Stefan.

He did not go easy on me.

Apparently, that's your fault.

His argument was pretty convincing.

I'd made up my mind...

But then...

You ruined my ball!

Well, you're lucky I didn't ruin your face!

Go inside, get the car keys from your mommy.

I'm going to a wedding.

On second thought.

Don't forget the...

The leftovers.

I know. You told me 3 times.

40 years, and every time, "did you remember the leftovers?"

Like I'm getting senile or something.

Oh!

Heh heh.

[Both chuckling]

Heh.

I'm taking it.

I've been a vampire for a long time, Elena.

It's been a blast, but I would give it up in a second to be your husband, your partner, father of your kids.

You can't take it just for me.

That's what you and Stefan keep saying, but you're wrong.

I can.

I can take it for us.

Ok?

Because even if it doesn't work, even if all goes to hell, even if I'm miserable and alone, the smallest chance at the perfect life with you is infinitely better than an immortal one without you, and I know this, Elena.

I love you...

And I will love you until I take my last breath on this earth.

[Music playing]

Caroline: Where the hell are you?

Bonnie and Matt are already M.I.A., and now you and Damon?

What is wrong with you? This is a wedding.

This is supposed to be Jo's magical night, and you are ruining it.

We're starting without you.

[Jo laughing]

This is not funny.

It's kind of funny.

Stefan: Uh, hey. Look. I don't want to tell you how to run your wedding, but...

We're not waiting anymore!

Tell them to cue the music.

[Music playing in distance]

Um, I think it's starting.

What? No.

What time is it?

Oh, my God. No. No, no, no. We're so late.

Well, you're the one that couldn't keep your paws off of me.

Damon, put your tux back on.

I am, I am. Heh heh heh.

Well, I hope it was worth it.

Actually...

Echh. Gross. Not the time, ok?

Have you seen Bonnie or Matt?

They're not here yet?

Ohh. Just go, go. Go, go, go.

Ok.

[Music playing]

Ugh. Bonnie.

Bonnie.

Hey.

It was...

[Gasps]

And so?

Looks like I'm joining the human club.

It's a big night for both of us.

I'm proud of you.

You, too, buddy.

[Music playing]

Reverend: Welcome, family and friends, on this magical evening to the wedding of Alaric Saltzman and Josette Laughlin.

Josette and Alaric have prepared their own vows.

Ahem.

This can't be it.

No one's here.

Perhaps your companions gave you the wrong address.

They're not the ones who gave me the address.

Then who did?

Alaric: Neither one of us should be here right now.

We've spent our lives dodging fate and b*ating the odds, but because we did, I got to meet you, the most beautiful, hilarious, and intimidatingly brilliant woman I have ever known.

You inspire me.

You've shown me that happiness is actually something that I can have in my life.

[Inhales]

And so...

I promise to be with you and love you and to dodge fate with you for the rest of our lives.

Reverend: Josette?

Oh, God. That's a tough act to follow.

Here goes.

Alaric Saltzman, you are...

[Slice]

Jo? Jo?

Jo? Oh, my God.

Jo? Jo? Jo?!

Oh, God. No!

Aah! Aah!

[Attendees screaming]

No! No, no, no, no.

I was gonna wait till the "death do us part" bit, but it seemed a little on the nose.

[Screaming continues]

Am I right?

[High-pitched sound]

[All screaming]

Miss me?

No?

Oh, well.

[Screaming continues]