Remarkable Life of Ibelin, The (2024)

[bunniefuu]

Before Mats passed away,

he left behind his password for us.

I think this was deliberate.

It was obviously something he had hoped

we would find.

Because behind that password

was a world

we knew absolutely nothing about.

I've cracked

a few cases in my time.

Ibelin Redmoore, private investigator,

at your service.

Sometimes you have to jump in

no matter how scary it might seem.

Help us! Come on, please!

Are you

going to stand there all day?

Robert Steen, I love you.

I love you more, you know.

Hi, should we carry you inside?

How lovely.

Do you wanna touch him?

We were young parents

and Mats was our firstborn.

He was the most beautiful

and most fantastic boy ever born.

We noticed that Mats developed slower

than other children at his age.

He stumbled more

and he struggled to get up.

We were eventually told

that he was born with

a rare muscle disease called Duchenne.

Only boys can get this disease

and mothers are carriers.

And there is no cure for it.

Yes.

We need to hurry up.

Yes.

First day at school.

It's very painful

to see your child get worse and worse.

He was born

with a perfectly functional body.

And slowly but surely you're deprived

of one thing after another.

Then we have Mats!

Come on, Mats.

Come on!

- Shall I help you up?

- Hi!

Raise your arms!

I remember every time

we had to ask for a new aid.

I thought, "Damn, he's at this point now."

That was hard.

Absolutely awful.

All your dreams vanish.

It all goes dark.

Then you have to find new dreams.

We just had to try

to make every day with Mats a nice day.

- You enjoy your swim?

- Yes.

Thumbs up!

Hi.

- Are you having a good time?

- Yes.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Hi, Mats!

Happy birthday!

I don't think you know what it is.

I know what it is.

We agreed

to let Mats play a lot,

because of all the other things

he missed out on.

As he gradually became

more dependent on his wheelchair,

his gaming time

and screen time increased dramatically.

He would play

when the rest of us were having breakfast.

He would bring the games to school,

and he would play at home.

When he had been gaming a lot,

we could see it clearly.

He became tired and he lost his appetite.

He wasn't so bubbly and happy

as he used to be.

I remember

we spoke a lot about Mats

spending too much time at the computer.

I tried several times to convince him

to be outside more often,

to do some other things.

There we go.

Now Mia is in the shot.

Let's go and see.

Can he find the ball?

Mum and Dad were really good

at taking us on trips

with other families we knew.

It was fine in the beginning,

but after a while it got harder.

I remember

the day we were going to a concert,

and Mats suddenly decided

that he didn't want to join us.

We had all been looking forward

to this concert for a long time,

so I tried to convince him to come,

but Mats was determined.

He wanted to spend the evening gaming.

- Hi.

- Where are you off to, Erlend?

A concert.

- Are you excited?

- Yes, very.

Yes.

- Papa?

- Yes?

He lost touch

with the friends he had.

I can't remember if he really had

any friends in high school at all.

It's really hard to just live your life

and enjoy all the opportunities you have...

...when one of the people

you love the most gets fewer and fewer...

opportunities.

It's midnight.

Sleep well, my boy.

No thanks. Last test.

It's getting exciting.

I'm just closing it.

When Mats

finished high school, he moved out.

And he loved it.

Even though he only moved

to the first floor of our house,

he enjoyed his independence.

One of the first things he did

was to hang up a picture he loved.

He also started writing a blog.

He had special equipment made for him.

I can go backwards

while I do that, see?

Bang, bang, bang, you can hop to the side.

- And then keep sh**ting.

- I see.

It's amazing what

the makers of this game come up with.

- Mmm.

- They're creating a whole digital world.

Right.

Mats told us

that he was gaming with other people.

But we thought

that these people didn't know Mats

because they never met physically,

and they never talked.

And during his last ten years,

he probably spent 20,000 hours

in this gaming world.

His world seemed so limited.

If you're gaming 12 hours a day,

you don't have time for anything else.

You don't have time to meet your friends.

Our deepest sorrow lay in the fact

that he would

never experience friendships, love,

or to make a difference

in other people's lives.

The last video recording of Mats

was taken during his uncle's wedding.

He just fell asleep,

and then he was gone.

And then it was over.

You can never fully prepare

for losing a child.

He and I fought,

and struggled, and I think I often felt

that it was my fault

that he was born this way.

I mean, we had a bond that was so...

it was so strong.

And I lived and breathed for that boy.

Then it was as if time stood still

over the next few days.

We just

sat on the couch and cried,

and people came and went, and then...

It was just so strange.

When I walked past

his apartment with all his things...

Seeing the wheelchair

without someone in it...

It was so strange.

Yeah.

And there we were, Robert, and Mia, and I,

sitting on the couch

for what felt like at least 24 hours.

And we couldn't sleep,

so everything just became a blur.

When we'd gathered our thoughts a little,

we started thinking,

"Oh my God, we need to

tell people online."

They have to know

that he won't be logging on.

And then we thought,

"How do we do that, then?"

And Robert suddenly remembered,

"I have the password to Mats's blog."

"Maybe I can try that."

"I don't think it has a wide reach,

but I'll try anyway."

And then he sat down,

and together, we wrote that text.

And then we just sent it "out in space."

We didn't know

if anyone would see it at all.

And then,

we got email after email.

We were so confused.

What is this?

Who are these people?

Are they completely crazy or what?

Many people wrote a lot.

It was out of control.

Dear Robert, Trude, and Mia...

Mats was a real friend to me.

He was an incurable romantic

and had considerable success with women.

He would always throw,

like, a comment to lighten the mood.

If you told him

you were going to see a movie,

he would remember

that you saw that movie later.

He would listen, and then, like...

I'm remembering, back then,

that he was there for me,

and I could also talk to him

about the stupid things.

And I feel almost like

he was part of the family.

You always knew that

when he told you something, he meant it.

And I don't think he was aware

of how big an impact

he had done to a lot of people.

I was born in 1989,

just in time to avoid most of the '80s.

Well, there was

some sweet music from that decade,

but the fashion

and the style was terrible.

Shoulder pads, strange hairdos,

and those dreaded pastel colours.

I know some like this style

for reasons that are beyond me.

It was the year the Berlin Wall crumbled.

Not that I recall anything about that.

I like that thought.

As if the wall had to come down

because I would be born.

I had just got

my first real electrical wheelchair.

With four large tires,

it was built for almost all terrain.

Quite impressive, huh?

It was called The Exterior,

and we had many adventures together.

That chair was so cool

that when I drove through the school yard,

a younger kid would roll up next to me

on his tricycle,

look up at me with big eyes and ask,

"Do you want to trade?"

Sure, I'll gladly trade you my chair.

It comes with a muscular condition.

Then I'd happily roll away

on my brand new tricycle into the sunset.

I was sent to summer camp

with other handicapped kids.

I hated the entire idea.

The biggest issue

I had with the camp

was the trip to an amusement park.

Parading in there

like some kind of freak show.

It was like some twisted,

handicap version of Prison Break.

I started thinking of ways I could escape.

The other people would stare.

They always talked in big, easy words.

"Hello. Do you like the park?"

Yeah, I'm not deaf or mentally challenged,

thank you very much.

I have a lovely apartment

and a loving family nearby.

I don't work as I don't need to.

"Lucky bugger," some might think.

I have my own reasons for this.

Suddenly this sounds like a contact ad.

Soon, I'll write about

long walks on the beach

and how great I am at listening.

No, you can relax.

We won't go there in this entry.

Luckily, I have found my escape.

It's not a screen.

It's a gateway

to wherever your heart desires.

I boot up the computer, music pumping.

And then, I leave this world.

With nothing to say

We're ghosts that occupy a space

Barely here

We're starting to rust

The hurt is spilling out of us

Through the tears

This fragile affair

Is turning into solitaire

We're full of the air

We need to adjust

We're losing every part of us

We disappear

Faith, where have you gone?

Was it me that made it all wrong?

Faith, where have you gone...

I spend most of my time

in a little place called Azeroth.

In there, my chains are broken.

And I can be whoever I want to be.

I'm Ibelin Redmoore,

famed detective and nobleman.

He fights forces of evil,

and makes friends and enemies

wherever he goes.

Ibelin is expansions of myself.

Different parts of me.

Faith, where have you gone...

A good thing about virtual beer

is that you don't get drunk.

You just pretend you did.

It must sound absurd,

but a fun challenge for a roleplayer.

And faith, where have you gone?

Lord, give me faith so I can be...

In real life,

I need to keep positive,

fight the hardships,

and emerge with a smile on my lips.

There were so many things

I had missed out on.

Friends I could have made if I had

just forced myself to be more social.

I guess I'll always be a bit shy that way.

In high school, there were parties,

attractive girls,

mopeds,

so many things a boy at 17 desired,

but they were all just dreams.

Things beyond my reach.

Just as I was about to pick up

the cutest girl in school

and drive some place romantic,

I was ripped out of my fantasy.

Dreams are nice that way.

You can always visit again.

Good thing I'm chained to this wheelchair

or I'd be out

giving my mother a heart attack,

thundering down the road

on a motorbike of my own.

Dear Trude, Robert, and Mia,

I'm a friend of Mats,

and I knew him through Ibelin.

I am the leader of Starlight,

the community of friends

Ibelin was a member of for eight years.

We meet each other through avatars,

and behind each of them is a real person.

And together, we roleplay.

The player adapts a role

and guides that role through adventures,

trials, and tribulations.

Roleplay at its core

is simply playing a role.

We choose what our avatar

should say and do.

Since Ibelin was very private, we knew

almost nothing about him in real life.

All the communication we had with him

were done through text.

And many of these texts were logged

and stored while we were gaming.

They were published publicly

on our forums,

but they weren't

easy to find for most people.

These texts contain gaming dialogue,

character diaries,

and forum discussions from our community.

In total, 42,000 pages.

So when Mats wrote,

"I'm an emotional man,

I often follow my heart,"

we know that he wrote this

the 30th of August 2012.

We know the location

and what was said by those with him.

Ibelin's feelings and actions

are also in the archive.

A good game of football.

- This soup is amazing.

- Yeah!

It was a peaceful,

warm evening in Azeroth.

Sitting around the campfire

enjoying some drinks and good stories.

While we were sitting there,

a dark-haired, mysterious beauty

comes out of the woods.

I'm not sure how it happened,

but she started teasing

and flirting with my character.

And I liked it.

My character just sat there,

clueless of what to do next.

She's flirting with you.

You should go after her.

Tss. No, no, she is not flirting with me.

She's clearly into you.

Hmm.

Another club craze

Brings out some weird, vivid sights...

Eventually, Ibelin got up,

and he followed the mysterious woman.

That's how it began.

So I run till the sea surrounds me

And the palms cover

You're so tempered

That's why I don't know

I'm in my mind

I just intended to

There was something

very exciting about her.

Her humour, the way she acted.

I was sold.

...see what they're on about,

so I did.

...that can be uprooted with ease.

In real life, I was 17 at the time,

no idea how to even approach a girl.

I've never been drinking more

at any point in my life than I do now,

and even though one mug

might not be so bad,

the dumb bartenders keep refilling it,

so at the end of the evening,

you can't be sure how much you've had!

I really need to find a different...

Luckily, pretty much every character

in this virtual world looked great.

Many might find this silly,

but at least

looks don't matter much anymore.

It's all about personality.

I'm starting up my business again,

even got my first client yesterday.

I've cracked a few cases in my time.

It's a small agency.

Here.

An old business card.

You should just go out there

and spread these around.

Ibelin Redmoore, private investigator,

at your service.

It was just a virtual kiss.

But, boy, I could almost feel it.

It was the closest thing I've ever been

to a crush in my entire life.

It was amazing.

Oh.

You eventually get tired

of throwing stones all night.

The world's going crazy, I tell you.

Just need to keep going and stay busy.

All that talk about...

She just disappeared.

She had to be around somewhere.

Wherever you are, Rumour,

you are always with me.

I was walking around

in Elwynn Forest near Goldshire.

This soup is amazing.

And then I saw

two people sitting around a campfire

back at the lake.

And I just thought,

"I've just gotta steal the hat

and see what happens."

There was no real much pre-thought

or plotting or planning around it

apart from, "I'm just gonna do it

and see what happens."

We had the whole,

"Let's go on a date together,"

and he would give the flowers.

Um...

It's a slightly cheesy,

but still nice kind of thing.

Every girl always says,

"No, I don't really need flowers,"

but we really love it

when we still get them.

I never got to see him

because he...

he didn't want to, like, video call

or share his camera.

He was mostly

just typing along in the chat.

And then we did ask him to also,

"Just join us in the voice channel

and we'll talk together,"

but he refused.

Well, I just sort of pictured him

like one of my fellow students,

because he was, you know, around my age.

You know, being in high school,

walking through the hallways, um...

Those kinds of things,

and, like, after school,

I figured he'd to go into the city center

with a couple of friends,

visit game stores.

We shared the same interests,

we were online every evening,

just talking, roleplaying,

just having fun.

I would play into the night.

And at some point,

my grades did start to suffer.

There were lots of fights going on

between me, my mother, and my dad.

They said, "Your grades are dropping.

We don't want you to fail school."

"It's not good for you to just sit inside.

You should be active."

My mother going, "You should log off now,

or else I will pull the wires

out of the router to cut the connection,"

and I was like, "No, no,

I just need to play a little bit more."

"I'll just log off in half an hour."

Which, of course, I didn't.

And eventually that led up

to them taking away my computer.

I tried to tell them, "But now I can't

tell my friends that I'm not coming."

"Can I at least have it back

to let them know about that?"

And they said, "They don't need to know,

'cause they're not your real friends."

"Why do you care about them?

You've never met these people."

"You've never seen them."

It was very painful.

So I got depressed.

Um...

I couldn't really figure out reasons

anymore to get out of bed.

"What am I living for?"

Those kind of thoughts.

Eventually, I was sort of like,

"Okay, I've been gone a while now."

"I should find a way to let them

at least know what happened,"

then I figured I could go to the library,

because there was a computer there.

Hey, Lis!

Great to hear from you again.

Well, first off,

he asked me how I was doing.

I told him,

"Okay. I'm coping and holding on."

Would be nice to talk to you again,

so I hope to hear from you later today.

If you can't show up, I will understand.

Ibelin was a really,

really big support pillar, shall I say,

because it was a friend

that I could be open with

about all the things that was going on.

Hello again, Merry Christmas.

I think it's part of the things

that got me out of that depression

that I was in.

Hey, Lis.

So how has your summer been so far?

Thanks for all the talks we had this year.

Here's a little something I wrote today.

Hope you like it.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Roovers,

you might not know me,

but I'm a friend of your daughter Lisette.

Me and several other friends

are concerned about her.

We heard her computer

was taken away from her.

Eventually, he indeed wrote

the letter to my parents

asking if they could

please return the PC to me

and have a good talk about it.

And he told me to show it to my parents,

which I did.

I am not sure why you are

not allowing her to play these games,

but there has to be some other way

to solve this conflict.

Don't keep pushing her away.

Just try to come to an agreement.

All I ask of you is that you consider

what you are doing,

and you try to come up with

a solution everyone can live with,

because this is not the right thing to do.

I think it was just

such a weird thing for them to have,

essentially a letter that's written

by someone who's concerned

about your daughter,

who lives, like, three countries away.

I think she's a great person,

and I consider her

one of my close friends.

From a worried friend, Mats Steen, Norway.

Yes!

I drew

Ibelin holding Rumour close.

It says, "Warning, cuteness alert,"

and a little smiley.

So I sent the picture to Mats.

I was overwhelmed.

Truly an amazing gift.

It always brings a smile to my face.

In this other world,

a girl wouldn't see a wheelchair

or anything different.

They would get my soul, heart, and mind,

conveniently placed

in a handsome, strong body.

- It's Mats himself.

- Yeah, yeah.

In real life, I've grown weaker,

and can't even eat much of the delicious

Christmas dinner like I used to.

Powdered sugar and banana.

It's Mia's smoothie.

It feels odd

to just watch the others eat.

Oh, how I miss those flavours.

You see, I have my own food device

pumping liquid food into me.

I graduated with flying colours.

I was among the best.

But I have no job to go to,

nowhere I should be.

My dream is to be able to work,

feel valued, and respected.

You gotta dig

Your body

And your head down in the snow

You gotta tie

Your scarf around my pole

To let them know...

Before I got to know Ibelin,

I had seen him around.

Every single day

when he logged into the game,

he ran the same route

about half an hour.

We gotta move our fingers

And our toes and we'll be fine...

And then we started to talk.

He told me he had a job

and he worked early hours every day.

Then again, he was always gaming

in the early hours every day.

So you're not trusting Starlight...

He wasn't so keen on sharing

what he was doing as work.

I was thinking, "Is there anything wrong?"

But I didn't want to pry.

So I started to share things

of my own life with him.

I couldn't really connect

really good with my son as I wanted to

because he has autism, and...

I felt like a bad mom because

I couldn't make my son feel good.

It was really hard.

I got four years

where I couldn't get myself to go out.

I didn't even go to school.

I just stayed home.

I'd lie in bed

to just keep everything away from me.

He hated if you touched him.

When I was going to bed,

my mum would want a hug from me.

- And I was just like...

- "No."

Yeah, "Why?"

And I think that was because

I didn't have a connection with my mum.

And I tried to explain that to Ibelin.

And then he... he went quiet.

And he said, "Well,

try and connect with him through gaming,

because you have seen he likes to play."

And then I was like,

"Well, he's got a point."

I do remember

I had quite a lot of fun playing.

And I feel almost like

he was part of the family.

But there are solutions

to most things.

I do remember when I learned

that I could hug people in-game.

Mikkel, he came in one day,

and he said, "Well, Mum,

there's an emote in the game."

"You can have a hug like that."

I was really hoping

that my mum would accept that.

I felt... happy,

because I could give what my mum wants,

without feeling uncomfortable.

I told Ibelin, "What have you done?"

And he was like, "Well, isn't it nice?

It's a new way to connect with your son."

And I was like, "Okay, that's true,

but I will still want a hug in real life."

And he said,

"Well, you can work towards that."

That was not very nice of you.

I didn't think

they would come alive.

- What are you doing?

- Falling.

- Still? No.

- No, I fell to the ground.

It helped a lot.

He could tell me things that he normally

couldn't tell me in the game.

- But school said it all went okay?

- Yeah.

It was the first time in my life

that I could feel love

and start to understand love.

And that was one of those...

the heavens opened up

and everything was just,

"Oh!

This is what I have been waiting for."

I just have to say...

And then Ibelin told me that...

Sometimes you have to jump in,

no matter how scary it might seem.

I have a pet.

I call him Wolfie. I really like nature.

You've accomplished

your daily quest.

Five hundred points to you.

Give yourself some credit once in a while.

There are solutions

to most things.

From that time on,

you went actually to school,

each day, you walked to school.

Yeah. Every day.

I'll just mess it all up,

and you guys get to try to fix it!

I went from

the most negative person in the world

to a person that could tolerate people.

The word about Ibelin

started to spread around.

And to be honest,

I think the investigator job

was just a way for him

to get to know people.

I hope things will work out.

He was very,

very empathic, intuitive,

very good at knowing what you needed.

I'd been feeling worthless

for months, afraid to reach out to people.

I didn't really have anyone to talk to.

And suddenly he asked me...

"How are you doing?"

And I told him everything.

I told him how terrible I had felt.

Perhaps it does not seem like much,

but it meant the world to me.

I feel with you.

He actually did take an interest

into what you were talking about.

I don't think he ever

even realized how much it meant to me.

Everyone in Starlight was real

excited to have a meet-up in real life

and see each other for the first time.

I was very excited about it

and looking forward to meeting Ibelin...

and just getting to know him

off-screen as well,

and just having those conversations

face-to-face for a change

instead of just text.

I actually asked him,

"Are you also coming?"

"Because everyone else is coming."

But he said "no," that, uh,

he had, I think, different things to do.

And I was disappointed.

I got to travel to a country

by myself for the first time,

which I thought was fantastic.

I hadn't seen anyone.

So for me, it was all fresh faces

and no one that I recognized.

We were sad that Ibelin

could not come to Denmark himself.

So I wrote to tell him,

"We have voice chat going on.

Do you want to join?"

And the reply I got was "no,"

he doesn't want to join this voice chat.

So I pulled out my camera

and started taking pictures

so we could share that with Ibelin.

Hey, y'all!

Love has always been

a tricky subject for me.

It feels like it's just not meant for me.

And she did live in another country,

so part of me

knew nothing would ever happen.

Wheelchairs and all that

tend to make things difficult.

These dark thoughts

just tried to drag me down.

Making excuses.

Online, I can at least

do all the things I want.

My name is Ibelin.

Ibelin Redmoore.

I'm staying at The Poison Tip Dagger

at the moment.

You wouldn't believe how good it feels

to jump from one rooftop to another.

Well, things could quickly

take a bad turn.

That is awesome.

I was walking around

in Stormwind,

and then I noticed that Ibelin was nearby.

It was pretty devastating,

because I think I felt betrayed

that he just hadn't told me beforehand.

You know, I figure out

when I just come back into the game, um...

so I was very upset.

He didn't also quite understand

why I was upset with him for this.

I lost the spark,

I felt I was choking.

Right now, I feel better off on my own.

Unchained.

I'm not good at commitment.

I can't explain why, I just...

I just shake things off and move along,

like I've always done.

In World of Warcraft,

I've flirted and been with several women,

but it can never be the same.

I never told her about my feelings.

I remember thinking,

"If only I wasn't handicapped."

It was always my excuse.

Why was I born with this condition?

My body is starting to feel more and more

like a prison holding me back.

Using a computer has become

more difficult the last few years.

There's always one button I can't reach.

Of course, this button

has to be used at some point.

Help us!

Come on, please!

Are you going to stand there all day?

What is wrong with you?

You are worthless!

I'm Erica, by the way.

Thinks she'd be all safe up there.

No idea why someone would...

Agility is very important for a rogue.

Damn, what is wrong with you?

Ibelin, are you stupid?

I was never a big fan of him.

He's another firecracker

with a nasty temper.

I don't trust the bastard a second.

It's a challenge,

holding my tongue.

He's an old criminal, old suspect.

I haven't met

a more arrogant person in my life.

I never set out to be that guy,

yet here I am.

Ibelin, you need to leave it

and calm down.

You'll get in trouble

if you continue on talking like this.

Your words start to hurt other people.

You need to stop.

...trying to be a leader

of those who was there.

At least to fight for Starlight...

It's not fair!

Her anger, resentment.

She told me to f*ck off a couple of times!

You lack much of the humanity

and compassion

a good leader must also have.

Maybe you get the job done,

but at what price?

I can't stand this anymore.

I felt hurt by it.

And I told him,

"Well, you actually hurt me."

"You don't care about Starlight?"

And he said, "Well, it's just stupid rules

in a stupid guild in a stupid game."

"I don't want to play

this stupid thing anymore."

And then

he actually logged off that night.

And I was like, "Oh, my God."

And I didn't

talk to him for a year.

His relationship drama came to the point

where it became a stressor.

He didn't have the proper means

to tackle it and navigate it well.

And it started to influence

which events he would go to,

which events the other would go to,

how people spoke about each other.

And people started taking sides.

Other members in the guild

started to take a distance away from him.

They didn't want the risk

of being involved in these conflicts.

And it pisses me off

to spend 20 minutes...

And you also had people

who were coming to us and saying,

"Hey, this is the third time

he's created a fight."

So I needed to talk to Ibelin.

So I wrote to Ibelin one day and asked,

"Would it be okay if I just came over?"

We're both living in Oslo,

it would just be a short bus drive.

And the reply I got was very, very sharp.

No, he don't want to have a visitor over.

Sometimes I think I can't breathe.

Could you hold this button?

Luckily,

there's always an assistant nearby

to soothe me when this happens.

I have 11 of them

working full-time with me.

One day, my chest

was making awful wheezing noises.

I had never experienced

anything like this.

I couldn't breathe,

and I started thrashing about in panic.

I remembered my mother's

cries of panic as I passed out

before I got to the ambulance.

For some reason,

everything was white and cold...

like the mountains of the Himalayas.

It might have been my mind

playing tricks on me,

but that was where I was.

I remember thinking,

"This is it."

"This is the end."

Finally, my eyes opened

in the emergency room.

This was one of the hardest things

I've been through,

even if I've been through a lot.

Death would have to wait.

Ibelin started to have

periods of time where he logged out,

and I didn't see him logging in

to the game again for a long time.

There was that kind of nagging feeling

something was wrong.

He would just say,

"I've been on a vacation."

I was like, "Hmm."

"There's something he's not telling me."

I remember asking him once,

"Have you been in prison? Or..."

He was like,

"No, I have been on a vacation."

And I was like,

"Did you go to the vacation

in the hospital?"

He didn't respond to me for five minutes.

Then he responded to me,

"Sorry, I just had to go to the loo."

And then I told him,

"Did you go to a vacation

in the hospital?"

"Oh, no, no, no, not the hospital,"

and I think there were ten no's after.

"No, no, no, no, no, not the hospital."

I wrote to him,

"Did I hit the nail there?"

The only thing he wrote was, "Good night."

I just had to get out of that city,

get away from it all.

Games are my sanctuary.

I am safe here, feel valued and respected.

Is my sanctuary threatened?

Should I not be able

to game anymore either?

Guess I'm trying to run away

from the one thing I can never escape.

Myself.

And then he said,

"I would like to tell you something."

"Well, I'm actually in a wheelchair.

I'm only able to move my fingers."

"I have Duchenne,

so I don't know when I'm going to die."

And he was like,

"I don't want you to pity me."

"You are the only one who know,

and you're the only one who should know,

because I do not want

anyone to know that I'm sick."

I told him, "Well, what is the fear?"

And he said,

"Well, I fear I don't matter."

"You have to keep in mind,

I'm here in my apartment,

with my Duchenne."

"I'm really afraid of dying. I can't...

go on and die

without having mattered to anyone."

I told him,

"I think you have made a big impact

on a lot of people's lives,"

and he said, "No."

And I was like,

"You have mattered to me and Mikkel."

I don't think I would have

such a great life as I have now

if it wasn't for him.

If it wasn't for him,

I wouldn't have such a strong relationship

as I have now with my mum,

and I probably wouldn't be drawing today

or go to school.

I think I would just be someone

who was just sitting in their room,

hating myself every day

because I couldn't understand

why I'm so different and everything.

So, yeah.

That hit a lot harder on me

than I thought it would.

I told him

how much he meant to us. Um...

And then he said,

"Well, that made me feel

really nice inside."

"I'm grateful for that."

And then I told him,

"Well, of course you matter to all of us."

Then I started to list a lot of names

that he had helped.

And then he just wrote back,

"This is too emotional for me."

And I was like, "Well, you need to be

emotional as well from time to time."

"Then you know

you have mattered to people."

"And I really wish

that you would tell others as well."

I still think of her.

Weird how it is with your first crush.

This blog is about my life

as a young, handicapped man in Norway.

I was born with a muscular disease

known as Duchenne muscular dystrophy.

It slowly reduces my muscles,

making me gradually weaker.

I could walk once,

but now I depend on a wheelchair.

There.

Good, we got that out of the way.

I am happy to share my story

and my musings of life with you.

And...

I was mostly shocked reading that.

His muscles are slowly giving out and

it meant that he was going to die soon.

There was something

very exciting about her,

her humour, the way she acted,

how she would express herself.

I remember thinking, "If only..."

"If only I wasn't handicapped."

I can very much understand that

you don't want to be judged differently,

or that people start treating

you differently once they find out,

and that can be a seriously legit fear.

But at the same time I confided a lot of

my own problems with him over the years,

and he never confided in me the same way,

which feels a bit...

a bit wrong.

It feels weird

to not be trusted the same way around.

And I was like,

"Okay, I'm not sure

how to respond to this."

And, um, "But you're still you,

so nothing changed there for me."

So apart from that,

nothing really changed for me, 'cause...

well, we just mainly

went back to just normal.

First, Mats wrote an apology

for hurting others in the community.

I'm an emotional man,

and I often follow my heart.

I am sorry.

Later, he also decided

to share the blog he had been writing on.

And reading that,

one of the things that hurt the most

was not being able to have been there

for him the way he had been there for us.

He was met with warmth.

He was met with respect.

And I think this gave him the support

and this feeling of safety he

needed to share even more.

A young man in his early 20s

got in touch

with the central office in Oslo.

He agreed

to participate in an information video

about specialized equipment.

The video was shown all over Norway

and used to show how specialized equipment

could aid people in a similar situation.

...to play on a computer.

The entire documentary was

done in secret from his parents,

and that fits with him perfectly.

When he has that determination,

when he has decided,

"Let's not be stopped or bothered

by something as inconsequential

as the parents

getting to know about this."

"It's much better to just get it done."

They left their email

in the blog post.

I couldn't really express

how...

you know, how to tell them what their

son meant to me over all these years,

so I didn't really write

a very extensive email.

I think I only wrote,

like, two paragraphs to them.

Um...

Just trying to tell them,

"Okay, your son was a fantastic person."

"And I'm really happy

to have known him, and, uh..."

It very, very much

sucked that he was gone.

"Dear Robert, Trude, and Mia."

"Mats was a real friend to me."

"Despite his challenges,

he still found the strength

to be there for us."

"What mattered to Mats was being able

to spread joy in our lives."

"And stuff I learned from his example

has changed the way I think about life,

and I hope that wherever he is, he knows

he's remembered, and treasured,

and smiling right now."

Mmm.

MATS STEEN

DEEPLY MISSED NEVER FORGOTTEN

When we started

thinking about the gravestone,

what it should say,

we decided that it should be a nice,

somewhat youthful gravestone

that would say, "Mats Steen."

Dear Trude, Robert, and Mia.

I don't know if this is

too much to ask for,

but I wonder when the funeral is,

and if it would be possible for

five of Mats's friends to participate?

We come from Norway, Denmark,

Finland, England, and the Netherlands.

And we would also like to

bring with us our guild tabard.

VESTRE GRAVLUND CHAPEL, OSLO

OUR DEAR SON AND BROTHER.

THANK YOU FOR THE GOOD TIMES.

FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS

I would like to share

one thing with you, Mats.

The biggest pain your mother

and I suffered through life

was that you, because of the illness

we brought you into this world with,

should not experience falling in love.

You should not experience friendship.

You should not experience

social relationships,

and joint activities with others.

You should not experience

contributing to society

and playing a meaningful role

in other people's lives.

This was by far...

...our biggest sorrow.

You proved us wrong.

You proved us so wrong.

And you proved yourself so resourceful.

But it has only been the last week

that we have really got close to realizing

the full impact of the

digital community in his life.

I have the last week calculated

that during your last ten years,

you have spent between

15 and 20 thousand hours

within this digital community.

Mats did fall in love.

Mats was at times accused

for being a womanizer.

And I must admit, being a father,

I'm a bit proud of that.

Mats was, throughout eight

years in the roleplaying world,

a major contributor and a co-author of

a fantastic community called Starlight,

where he got to experience love,

friendship,

and the feeling of making a

difference in other people's lives.

I met Mats in a place where

there is no limitations on his body,

where it does not matter what

you struggle with in your daily life,

the challenges you face.

In a place where he could

choose who we wanted to be.

And many years ago,

Mats choose to reach out to us

and start forming

friendships with us in Starlight.

Those chance encounters

became friendships,

and, ultimately, it led to

five of us being here today.

Mats had a very, very long reach.

And he helped others.

And this is the one thing that rings true

in every story people

have shared about him.

He was selfless and kind.

He was a person who listened, who

welcomed others, and included them.

What mattered to Mats was

being able to spread joy in our lives.

Despite his handicaps, he found

the strength to be there for us.

And the last thing he said to us...

through his family,

"Tell them that I love them, and

that they made my life different."

"Tell them all goodbye."

And, Mats, thank you

for making a difference.

MATS "IBELIN" STEEN

DEEPLY MISSED, NEVER FORGOTTEN