02x08 - Mouth Cancer Gig

[bunniefuu]

[ Sighs ]

Do I bring the jacket?

Do I not bring the jacket?

Is it hot in lubbock?

Well, that really depends.

I mean, like, is it raining there?

Because that could make it humid.

Also, like, at night, it gets cold sometimes.

But then in the daytime, if the sun's out -- you know, there's a lot of variables.

Why'd I say yes to this?

Because they're paying you money.

I got nothing.

I'm sick of my material.

I don't even have a germ of a new bit, all right?

I'm doing the same jokes over and over again.

It's horrendous.

I don't know how you do it.

Well, what can I say?

It's a gift.

You know tom papa?

Of course.

He just sits down with a notebook.

He writes jokes.

And a lot of them are good jokes.

He writes them down.

Why can't I just write them down?

Lubbock, Texas -- that's not where they're expecting the freshest material, so don't worry about it.

Who dropped out?

Bob Nelson.

I didn't know he still did comedy.

Yeah, he still does comedy.

I'm the guy they call to fill in for guys who everyone thinks stopped doing comedy.

I thought that was me.

You know, I worked that club a few years ago, and they have one good hotel in town, and it's horrible.

Not helping.

You're not helping, Andy.

Well, at least they called you before they called me.

[ Sighs ]

Maybe I can write some material on the plane.

How about new plane material?

"What -- hey, you notice now that you have to pay for your own bags?

In the old days, they would --" ah, maybe not.

Let me ask you something.

Yeah.

Do you sometimes just talk to hear yourself talk?

Mostly. I didn't even know you were still in the room.

[ "The poisoned well" plays ]

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ You can't see ♪
♪ And you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪

What's your name?

Brandon?

Yeah.

Brandon, thanks for picking me up.

Yeah.

No, that's the deal.

I drive you around all weekend.

I get to open for you.

I'll grease up the pig, you get to bang it.

Never heard that saying before.

That's 'cause it's mine.

I'm working on a book of sayings.

Oh, yeah?

You got more?

Yeah. There's, uh...

Shut your hole!

What?

That's not yours.

Yeah, it is.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it is.

[ Engine cranking ]

Oh, man.

[ Engine turns over ]

I just remembered I forgot my phone at I.A.X.

That's so stupid.

I've never done that before.

Oh, that sucks.

I know.

I left a phone at a gig one time, though, and I wound up writing a whole new hour, so...

Yeah? About losing your phone?

No. I should have thought of that.

It was about aids.

Hey, would you mind listening to my act and giving me some feedback on it?

Yeah, sure.

No problem.

Awesome. I recorded this last month.

Wait, now?

Yeah.

I'm starving, man.

Can we get something to eat?

I already ate.

What's the story with this?

That's -- Henry Cho left those here last week.

You can have them.

I don't like licorice.

[ Stereo beeping ]

Brandon: Hey, let me ask you guys a question.

What is up with toast?

Why is it called toast"?

That's bullshit.

It's hot, hard bread.

We don't heat up other foods and change the name.

We don't heat up oatmeal and call it glop."

Did you record that at a club?

No, I just did it on my computer.

Why would you play a recording of you talking?

Whatever.

Glop" works. Glop" is already a word.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it is.

No, it isn't.

Hey.

Yes?

I'm checking in.

Maron.

[ Sighs ]

Maron. Okay.

I see your room is being paid for by Uncle morty's ha ha room.

Congrats on that.

And I'll just need a credit card for incidentals.

You know, for your, uh, p*rn.

All right, your room's on the first floor in the back, and fyi, there's a 24-hour waffle bar.

What does that even mean?

Waffles.

It's always open, 24 hours a day.

Where is it?

Over there.

That's crazy.

No, it's not.

[ Sighs ]

Hi.

Hey.

Sit down, friend.

You got a little time.

I'm murph.

Hey, murph.

I'm Marc.

I'm one of those people who can eat waffles all day and not gain an ounce.

Good for you.

Lot of people think it's about metabolism, but it's not.

It's all in your mind.

I can control my metabolism with my mind.

The mind is very powerful.

Wow, that's pretty good.

I can, uh, rationalize and make things worse simultaneously.

That's my little gift.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, boy.

You really like, uh, waffles, there, huh?

You kidding?

[ Chuckles ]

This is what it's all about.

I was kind of hoping there was more to it, but --

I'm on the road 293 days out of the year for my job.

Lean into it.

I'm kind of trying to watch my weight, though.

Thinking about it.

You know you only live once, right?

And I guarantee you, when you're taking your last breath, you're gonna be thinking, "I should have eaten more waffles."

[ Chuckling ]

Probably right.

That and, "I should have got more p*ssy."

[ Chuckles ]

Waffles and p*ssy.

What else is there?

[ Waffle iron beeping ]

Ooh.

Okay.

Nice, huh?

I don't know if I'm gonna eat this.

I think -- I think I'm just gonna go to the club and check it out.

I'll be here.

Okay.

You want -- uh... Yeah.

Yeah?

It's a sin to waste it.

Oh.

That's what my mother always said.

Okay.

God damn!

Oh.

I have a message for you.

[ Sighs ]

"Gig is canceled tonight.

Health-code violation.

Reopen tomorrow."

That's not good.

What are you gonna do?

Well... I'm gonna think.

I'm gonna fester.

Gonna write.

Gonna battle good and evil.

Gonna nap.

Maybe masturbate.

You know what?

Definitely masturbate.

Then nap again, probably.

It's good you have a plan.

No p*rn.

Going from up here.

Oh, old school.

Yeah, right?

Okay.

[ Sighs ]

[ Gasps ]

Jesus Christ!

What is that, cancer?!

Hey. Hey. Hey.

What's up with the Internet?

I tried to get on last night and again this morning.

It's nothing.

I get nothing.

Sometimes, between 12:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M., we don't have Internet, and then sometimes, between 8:00 P.M. and 12:00 A.M., we don't have Internet.

So, you don't have Internet.

No, but sometimes, between 12:00 A.M. -- okay, okay.

I got it. I got it.

I have -- I need to get online.

It's an emergency.

I have a --

I have a thing.

Does that -- does that look like cancer to you?

I'm not allowed to give out medical advice anymore.

Okay, that's very reasonable.

But that is very upsetting.

Right?

Yeah. Can I stop looking at that now?

Yeah. Sorry.

There's a coffee shop up the road, and they have Internet.

Let's say it is cancer.

Nothing you can do about it here.

Still gonna be cancer when you get home.

Why don't you and I go in the hot tub and relax?

I got to go.

I think that's a good idea.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Can I get you anything else?

No, I'm good.

[ Sighs ]

I have cancer.

Do you want something --

I don't know -- fun to drink?

No, I got to do radio.

Brandon: Dude, Pete & the pig are hilarious.

"Pork in your ears in the afternoon!"

[ Squeals ]

Oh, my God.

Shut up.

Am I gonna see the pig's face, or what?

No.

He wears that in the studio?

No, they're not here.

They do the show remotely.

What?

Yeah, they hate each other.

No.

The pig does it from his home studio up in Seattle, and Pete is in Los Angeles.

I can't believe they're not best friends.

So, wait, so you just want me to sit alone in there?

I mean, why couldn't I just call?

Well, it sounds weird if you call in.

Ugh.

Pete: And now we're joined by comedian and podcaster Marc Maron, who is at Uncle morty's ha ha cafe tonight.

Marc, welcome.

The pig: [ Squeals, snorts ]

We had Henry Cho in here last week.

Funny guy. He's Asian, but he doesn't talk like one.

Yeah. That's, uh -- that's exactly what Henry Cho is.

[ Laughs ]

[ Snorts, squeals ]

Marc, can you give our porksters a taste of what they'll be getting tonight?

W-what do you want me to do, material?

You want me to do bits?

Is that what you want me to do?

Lay it on us, baby.

[ Laughs ]

[ Squeals, snorts ]

Hey, does the pig talk?

[ Laughs ]

[ Squeals ]

Oh, my God.

Look, I, uh...

You know, I'm not th--

I'm not that guy, man.

I don't, uh -- I d--

I don't do material offstage.

Oh, come on!

Henry Cho did it.

Bang! Knocked it out of the park.

Maybe you should do some of his jokes.

Jonly bonly Stewart!

[ Both laugh ]

[ Snorts ]

Hey, uh, why don't we just talk, man?

Let's just talk some stuff out.

Let's just riff a little bit.

Oh, okay.

Here we go.

Getting into the head of Marc Maron.

What funny stuff is going on in there?

I have cancer.

Yeah?

No, I'm serious, man.

I, uh... Think I should see a doctor or something.

I -- I've... Been looking at photos online, and it, uh --

I don't know.

I think it's the real deal, and, uh, I don't know how far along it is, and I don't know how long I got or what.

I mean, it's in my mouth.

It's -- it's close to my brain, and I don't know if I'm gonna need surgery, if they're gonna cut half my face off.

Uh...

You know, and I have to -- how am I gonna do comedy like that?

It'd be horrendous.

[ Chuckles ]

Good stuff.

No, that's not material.

He's serious, man.

[ Sighs ]

Marc, I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this.

My sister-in-law had mouth cancer.

She d*ed.

Why are you talking?

Catch Marc Maron --

[ Squeals ]

Don't do that.

Tonight at Uncle morty's ha ha cafe.

[ Squealing ]

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Is it bad?

Well, it's black.

Black is not a great color to have in your mouth.

Oh, you think?

Ew.

It's definitely a lump of some kind.

I haven't really seen this before. Sorry.

Oh, sh*t.

I knew it.

Look, I'm just a general practitioner.

This isn't really in my specialty.

Well, what do I do?

I don't know.

Maybe go to an oral surgeon, get a biopsy.

That's a cancer test, right?

Yeah, it is.

W-why are you kicking the can down the road, doc?

Just -- just look me in the eye and tell me the truth.

I can take it.

Okay.

Here's the truth.

I don't know what's in your mouth.

Y-you can't tell me anything.

It's black.

[ Car door slams ]

[ Sighs ]

So, what's up?

I don't even know what just happened in there.

It was ridiculous.

I don't know if that guy was even a real doctor.

I feel like I was part of a prank or I -- or I've been jackassed or something.

Is that a word, "jackassed"?

What is going on in this town?

I get that this state is an oil state, but is this town built on a gas leak?

It's like a vortex of morons!

I feel like I'm on your podcast, that first part everybody fast-forwards through.

You're an idiot.

[ Sighs ]

There he is.

Hey.

You finish working out, because you need it.

Get the anxiety out.

And when you're done, come up to room 237, and we'll talk.

You understand?

Yeah.

[ Jazz music playing ]

Get in here.

You play?

By myself.

I get nervous playing with other people.

I get that.

Coffee?

Yeah, all right.

So, about your thing.

Yeah, we can talk about it openly.

That's where I'm at with it now.

Yeah, I just want to deal with it honestly.

You know, this is some serious sh*t to wrap my head around.

You know?

I mean -- I mean, how much time h-have I got?

D-do I -- do I got a week?

Do I got a month?

I mean, what -- what do I do?

I'd live like it was my last day on earth.

What, you mean consumed with panic and unable to function?

Nobody lives like it's their last day on earth.

It would be chaos. The entire system would shut down.

Get real, man. I mean, you have a month to live -- what would you do?

[ Chuckles ]

I'd probably do dr*gs.

The works -- meth, heroin, all that sh*t.

Yeah, I don't know.

I've done most of that.

What else?

I'd probably have sex with a man.

Really?

I didn't expect that.

Why not?

Who gives a sh*t?

At that point, you might as well see what it's all about, right?

You know? I'd --

I'd screw him.

I'd -- I'd screw him like a man screws a man.

A-and then I'd let him screw me.

And I'd k*ll.

Maybe the guy I was banging, you know?

I was thinking more like a trip to Nepal.

Who cares about travel when you could be a dangerous top and a submissive bottom all in one day?

That's some yin and Yang sh*t.

I'd want to watch the life slowly leave his eyes, just...

Watch him until there's nothing left in there.

And then I'd screw him again.

Yeah. Why not at that point, right?

Oh, come on.

You think along the same lines.

We both have these thoughts rolling around in our heads.

Don't put your weird sh*t on me.

Weird sh*t?

Is that what you're gonna go with in this situation?

I'm the guy with weird sh*t?

Of course you are, because you're not taking any chances.

Even when your back is against the wall, you're not actually risking anything.

Time to step into the fear...

And conquer it.

At least I can say that I've lived.

I'm not moping around all the time, not being able to accept any little good thing that happens to me.

Hey, hey, that's over the line, man.

It's the truth!

You shouldn't even do that show tonight.

Blow it off and go to a titty bar with me tonight!

Come on.

Thank you for the coffee.

[ Slurps ]

Let's not do this again.

Lubbock, Texas.

Whoa.

I don't know what goes on here.

I'm sure it's very exciting.

I've only been here for a couple of days.

I live in Los Angeles.

I'm not bragging.

It's a beautiful place to live, but there is one problem, and it is a truth.

I don't know if you can relate to it, but I know for a fact that if I get into my car, within 20 minutes, I'll be furious.

[ Laughter ]

I'll be -- I'll just be beside myself with anger, and...

[ Sighs ]

I can't, uh --

I can't do this sh*t.

[ Laughter ]

[ Grunts ]

sh*t.

[ Laughter ]

I have cancer.

Don't tweet that.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Seriously. Put it down.

Put the phone down.

I know this is awkward, but, um...

Is there -- is there a doctor in here?

Is there a doctor in the house?

No, not you. I know you.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, y-you're a doctor?

Can you come take a look at this thing?

I got a-a thing in my mouth.

Now?

Yeah, I think we need to do it now, and the light's better up here, and...

[ Clears throat ]

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

Um, sorry, folks.

What's your name?

Hi. I-I'm Jill.

Hi, Jill. G-give a round of applause for Jill -- Dr. Jill.

[ Applause ]

Um, yeah, I-I-I-I think I have cancer in my mouth.

And, folks, I know this isn't...

A-a standard show.

I understand it's awkward, but, you know, you're -- you're witnessing something real here.

This is something authentic.

This could be life-changing for me.

I'm just trying to -- I'm really just trying to deal right now.

So, w-we -- and, look, if it's cancer, you can tweet it, I guess, 'cause I think, you know, that's news, right?

You might want to hashtag it maroncancer."

I'm a big fan.

Oh, thank you.

Well, this should be -- yeah.

This sort of might be kind of a big deal for you, because you're gonna look inside me, my mouth.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

And it's -- it's weird, I know, but c-can you -- can you just -- okay, um, here, turn toward the light a little bit.

Can you see it?

Can you see it?

Yeah.

That is a canker sore.

Why is it black?

Have you been eating anything black?

[ Sighs ]

Are you serious?

Yes. Licorice.

[ Laughter ]

I've been eating licorice.

I think licorice got in your canker sore.

Oh, my God!

[ Laughter ]

So it's not cancer.

Not cancer.

It's just... Nasty.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

I've seen worse.

Really?

Well...

Okay. Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Get her free drinks.

Let's get that doctor sh*t-faced.

[ Laughter ]

Wow.

That was -- that was ridiculous.

So, I don't have cancer.

[ Laughter ]

Huh.

Well, listen.

I-I -- then I have some advice for you people.

Don't Google mouth-cancer images...

[ Laughter ]

...because I got to -- like, look, I-I've got to be honest with you.

I almost d*ed.

[ Laughter ]

All right, l-let me rephrase that.

In my mind, I almost d*ed.

[ Laughter ]

[ Jazz music playing ]

Hey, uh...

Taking off.

Uh, but I want to leave a note for that guy who's eating waffles all the time.

Yeah, uh, his name is murph.

I think it's probably short for "Murphy."

[ Keyboard clacking ]

There is no murph or Murphy.

Really?

He's in room 237.

I was just hanging out with him last night.

There's no room 237 in this hotel.

Huh.

I guess I made him up.