02x10 - Radio Cowboy

[bunniefuu]

Heidi: Now, Marc is going to be at the Ice House in Pasadena this Sunday.

And in addition to Marc being a comic, he is also the host of a popular podcast.

Oh, hold on. There is no such thing as a popular podcast.

Ooh! Zing!

Sorry, but actually, I got a pretty good listener base.

And, you know, I used to do radio, but, uh, I prefer podcasting -- a lot more freedom.

Oh, so you prefer not to make money.

That's like me preferring to have a small penis.

Oh, by the way, if you do have a small penis, you might be eligible to see Miley Cyrus in our contest --

"Teenie-weenie-Miley-go."

You can see the website for details.

Yeah, I'd take a pay cut not to have to say that.

Well, how do you make money?

Do you have to drum up your own advertisers?

Well, you know, some of them come to me, but basically, yeah.

Yeah, Heidi, it's not like you can pull butt-plug advertisers out of your ass.

[ Creak! Pop!]

Well, at least I get to choose my advertisers.

Who are you pretending to believe in today -- a check-cashing place or a website for dudes who cheat on their wives?

Marc, let's get real.

Okay.

You do the show out of your garage.

Well, it was my garage, but now it's, uh --

[ lawnmower whirring]

"Hey, Jose, could you cut the front yard?

I'm trying to interview Carrot Top."

Mm, that's cute.

[ Dog barking]

"Oh, the neighbor's dog got out under the fence again.

I hope she doesn't run into that garbage truck."

[ Truck beeping]

"Oh, I forgot to put my cans out, Carrot Top. Do you mind?"

Yeah. You know what?

You guys can goof all you want, but you're making fart noises on the Titanic.

Do you think anybody is entertained by this?

Maybe before there were choices, but you're losing listeners every day.

This isn't interesting.

It's not engaging.

This is a hostage situation for people who don't have a smartphone.

And your format restrictions are ridiculous.

Why do you feel compelled to give out the time every five minutes?

All cars have the time.

All computer screens have the time on them.

There are clocks everywhere!

Yet -- yet -- yet, with OCD-like precision, you are compelled to always give out the time.

It's horrendous.

[Sighs]

It's 8:25.

["The poisoned well" plays]

♪ Won't fall for it ♪
♪ you can't see ♪
♪ and you can't tell ♪
♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪

Marc. Ted Curtis.

I manage the station group.

Aw, hey, man.

Hey.

Sorry about what happened in there.

I'm trying to manage my anger, but those two ought to be ashamed of themselves.

No, no, no. You don't need to apologize for that.

That was great radio.

Ah, ah, look, I know terrestrial radio isn't what it used to be.

I mean, I don't even listen to it anymore.

I use audiobooks.

I'm learning Spanish in the car.

Yeah? How's that going?

Well, now I can flirt with the cleaning lady.

Mm.

I just hope we don't have sex.

Hey. How about doing a show for us?

Yeah, you know, I've been there.

I'm in no rush to get back.

Why would I do that?

I totally get that.

But just don't rule it out, all right?

It could be a sort of podcast/broadcast hybrid, you know?

And that would be in addition to your own thing, help build out your base.

Plus, you would get all of our resources behind you, which -- let me tell you something -- will come in very handy if you ever get sued.

All right, look, I-I understand that there are advantages to a whore having a pimp.

You know, I get it.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, how about I think about it, and maybe I'll let you put it in my ass?

[Laughs]

See, that's funny.

Okay.

That's funny. But that's podcast only, all right?

Sure, man, yeah.

Okay. You know what?

We could call them "Maron moments."

That would just drive people to the website, right?

Maron moments.

Uh, right?

Yeah. O-okay, man.

Okay?

Yeah, I'll think about it.

All right, think about it.

It's good -- good talking to you.

You too, man. Maron moments.

Take care. Yeah, Maron moments.

I hear you.

Jesus, man. This sh*t -- it's already coming together.

Maron moments.

So, are you gonna do it?

No.

I-I can't say that I'm very tempted, Nate.

I wouldn't be either, you know?

Radio's the past, man.

We are the future.

"We"?

Yeah. Podcasters.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I think the last episode you put up was, what, a year ago?

It's been like a year.

[Sighs]

I mean, it's been that quick.

Yeah, you tired?

You exhausted?

Like -- yeah, that's why it's awesome.

'Cause you can do it whenever you want.

Yeah.

In radio, you have to show up every day because they pay you.

You just encapsulated what I hate about podcasting.

It's -- you got to -- you got to put them out, Nate.

You can't just do one a year.

You can when you do a full episode like I do.

What's a full episode?

Six to eight hours.

Well, what's the point?

I mean, what do you -- what do you -- it's -- no one's gonna know it's there.

They don't know when another one's coming.

There's no consistency.

It's the surprise.

It's the surprise.

You can't -- you don't -- you're not selling tickets.

It's not helping you out career-wise, and you still got to do, what, morning zoos to sell the tickets.

Yeah. Yes.

That's -- I have to do morning zoo to sell tickets.

Yeah.

That's the worst.

I know.

It's, like, a necessary evil.

It is. It is.

Yeah. It's awful.

Yeah, there's always the -- the main guy, and then there's the laughing guy, and then there's the baffled and shocked woman.

It's like, "bah!

Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!

Bah-bah-bah!"

[Laughs]

"Oh, fellas."

There was this time in Florida.

Florida.

It's already a good story.

I followed a guy that farted the national anthem.

Oh, yeah.

And then, there was another time where I was a --

I kept score while women threw plastic rings on male strippers' dicks.

"Larry and the tractor."

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

They do that every Friday.

Yeah.

You know, the sad thing is is that a lot of these guys are -- you know, they're, uh -- you know, they're real broadcasters.

They're professionals.

I don't -- no, they're not.

I don't think so.

No, they are! I mean, they've been at it a long time.

I mean, they were doing those shows when they had carts, when they had to do their own sound effects, they can't curse, and they got to keep a riff going.

They got to have forward momentum, you know, do the break, hold the audience.

I mean, it's impressive sh*t.

What's a cart?

You don't know what a cart is?

No, I don't. I mean, don't take this the wrong way.

Uh, I am several generations younger than you.

Oh, okay.

Is that -- okay.

Yeah.

But, yeah -- but you're a redneck, so a generation's, what, 10 years? What's it -- oh. Is that -- you're morning-zooing me?

Yeah.

'Cause that's what you're doing.

Man: They have the same answer to everything. Spend --

♪ well, I'm never gonna stop till I make it ♪

[ Man speaking Spanish]

Bill: You're basing your right to urinate in a public pool on the 1965 civil rights act?

Why?

Man: I don't think that I should be castigated because mine's pure.

I-I drink, as they say, uh, distilled, boiled waters.

Um, I eat various purifying and detoxifying fruits...

This guy's an idiot.

...And I do yoga, and -- and I think the city of Corona, California, is, uh -- is very much jealous of the fact that I have a pure pee, or urine, or -- if you will.

Unbelievable.

Woman: Who wants to be swimming in a pool with their family and have somebody else's urine all over them?

It's like -- there's something wrong with you.

Ma'am, mine is just like pure spring water.

I-I can't say --

Bill: Well, no, no.

You can't say that, sir, because, as I mentioned, you're -- even the body itself has certain -- come on, this has got to be a put-on.

No, mine -- it's not even -- you wouldn't even notice it.

Most of the people that live in the Corona area are mostly descendants of -- of European Americans.

And yet, here's these babies that are driving in from out of the area.

And you know what they're doing.

Woman #2: To listen to this gentleman, you'd think that his wife never had to wash any underwear in her life.

Man #2: She wash it, but she doesn't hang it anywhere for people to see!

That's got to be an actress.

If you lost a dog, how else you gonna get it home but by hanging your wife's underwear up? I don't understand.

Man #3: Put -- put -- like everybody does -- put signs.

Put a sign up that says, yeah, "my dog's missing."

Put signs. Mm-hmm.

Put ads in the newspaper. We've done that.

Man #4: Ah, that's the old way of doing it.

That's the old way of doing it.

That's -- we have rules against that in our association.

[High-pitched voice]

Mr. Shepard, in conclusion, the Warmington brothers carpet cleaning company will be informed of your insolence.

What?!

[Normal voice] Well, it doesn't make any difference to me, Miss Dooley, because the warmington brothers are kicked off of my show because their carpet cleaning stinks, okay?

[High-pitched voice]

How dare you say something to me like that, Mr. Shepard.

You think you have me over a barrel?

[Deep voice] Don't say over a barrel," on account of the fact he might take advantage of you bent over.

[High-pitched voice]

God, what I wouldn't do if I had some ginsu knives.

[High-pitched voice] It's something we do once a year.

Uh, we get very excited about it.

Uh, we get the, uh, liquid butter.

[Normal voice]

No, hold -- hold on.

I just want to be clear, Miss Dooley.

You and your husband are using liquid butter in an intimate manner.

[High-pitched voice]

How dare you!

Oh, my g--

I shared this with you, Bill.

I told you in all confidence.

[Normal voice]

Well, we're on the radio.

We're talking to millions of people.

[High-pitched voice]

You wish. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Bill.

That was --

[deep voice] [Laughs]

Billions -- millions of people.

[High-pitched voice]

I didn't say "Billions."

I said millions."

What a moron I'm married to, but I love him.

[Normal voice] Because he applies liquid butter to your -- excuse me for saying this -- ass.

[High-pitched voice] You are going to hear from an attorney.

That's it -- a lawyer.

Even as I tell you about -- all right -- a**l sex.

[Normal voice]

I can't hear you, Miss Dooley.

[High-pitched voice]

I'm not gonna yell it.

[Normal voice]

Just turn your radios up out there, folks.

[High-pitched voice]

How dare you, Bill!

[Normal voice]

All right, thanks a lot.

I can't stomach any more of that.

I'm sure you understand, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Miss Dooley.

Thank you, Mr. Dooley.

And thank you, Bob's liquid butter.

All right, George Noory is next -- enjoy it -- right here on KXBD.

That was amazing.

Bill Shepard.

Marc Maron.

Hey.

How you doing, man?

Good.

I-I just discovered you last night, and I'm like, "I got to find this guy.

I got to watch this guy work."

Thanks for letting me in, man.

Yeah, Maron.

Air America, right?

Yeah, yeah, I was --

I was there before it crashed and b*rned.

Yeah, I'm surprised you heard of me. That's -- oh, well, I keep track of everybody I'm jealous of.

Yeah, me too.

But I haven't been jealous of you in a while.

Yeah, well, the radio gig was a very short chapter in my life.

I decided to move on in a different career direction, to, you know, just stop earning a living altogether.

Well, it sounds like we got the same life coach, man.

So, what are you up to now?

I'm doing a podcast, man.

A podcast.

Okay, so you do that out of your closet.

Okay. Yeah.

Ah.

No, I -- actually, I do it out of my garage.

Uh-huh.

But I do know a couple guys that do it out of their closet.

Look, we can skip the whole, uh, patronizing radio-guy thing.

I-I think you're a genius, man.

A genius?

Yeah.

You know what?

A few minutes ago, I let you in here thinking you were gonna put a b*llet in my head.

This must be my lucky day.

Let's go.

Okay, where?

Uh, my place.

No, no.

I don't want to impose.

You're not gonna impose.

You're driving.

My wife has the car.

Oh, okay.

Yes.

Regular castle, ain't it?

This is what 40 years in the business will get you.

Yeah, it's nice.

You know what?

You, sir, are a shitty liar.

Yeah, I've got two ex-wives that have testified to that.

[Scoffs]

Surprise!

Surprise!

Surprise!

[Cheers and applause]

You assholes!

What is it, your birthday?

No, I got fired.

What?!

Yeah.

So, the station changed formats.

What is it this time?

Oh, this time, it's Korean news.

Oh.

Korean news, yeah.

I told them I could do an Asian voice, but apparently, they weren't interested in a happy-endings masseuse that does rubdowns in the supermarket.

Hey, we've all been there before.

Where, to a happy-endings masseuse?

Yeah.

No, fired.

We've all been fired multiple times, podcast boy.

Oh, man.

Okay, all right. Here we go.

What do you got?

Nothing personal, but it's a podcast.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, mm-hmm.

I mean, really, what good is it if it's not live?

Yeah.

Well, the -- the point is, you can make it a-a better show.

But how do you get rapport with the audience?

How do you get people to call in?

Yeah, he means, how do you get laid without request lines?

Oh, that's easy.

You got Twitter.

You got Facebook.

You just got to be creative, man.

I'm a comic.

And when I used to do morning radio shows to plug my gigs, it didn't matter what town it was in, what city, what state.

I just always was amazed that the guy running that show was so popular.

I mean, they always -- well, not always, but most of the time, they just seem like megalomaniacal idiots.

That's how I felt until I did my own morning radio show.

Then I got it.

I mean, you got to be up at 3:00 in the morning to be on the air at 6:00 in the morning.

You got a crew.

You get a momentum going.

You're going out live.

You're, like, leading the charge of a bunch of people in their cars, trying to get to work, trying to be entertained, trying to change their outlook.

It's all on you.

And that experience just gave me a whole new respect for those guys and women.

They're pros, man.

And there -- there is nothing like a radio show clicking on all cylinders.

And -- and the day that I learned how to own these mikes, how to just talk solo, how to just riff out alone, that was a life-changer.

I mean, that was total freedom.

And that's what podcasting is.

It's not live, but it's great.

I created this thing called the all-girl harmonica band...

Uh-huh.

...Looking for the ladies with the best licks.

Look out.

[Laughter]

Almost at the climax of the audition...

Yeah.

...I see this figure going by the window in the studio, and it's the general manager.

And he comes back, and he looks right in the window, and that's when I was fired.

Oh, man.

Did you get to finish?

And at the end, I woke up in a start, and I-I run down, and I threw up on my boss' shoe.

And that was -- so, fired.

For two weeks, I was able just to ream the, uh -- the general -- wow.

The C.E.O. of the company, every day, and I got all the audience on my side, and it didn't matter.

That's nothing.

I mean, you got the best shitty "I got fired" stories, Bill.

Come on. Tell us your one about Minneapolis.

Oh.

Jim: Oh, man, I don't know if he wants to talk about that.

Come on, it's a great story.

Oh, it's okay.

I'll tell the story.

Uh, so, anyway, I'm doing news talk in Minneapolis about 15 years ago, and, uh, I'm about six months into this gig.

I'm about ready to qualify for health insurance, and, uh, Nancy finds a lump in her breast.

Mm.

So, yeah, I mean, you know, we're anxious to get it looked at.

The station group brings in this 25-year-old tool with an mba to freshen up the lineup.

So I get fired.

I get the a*, right?

Jim: Mm.

Frazer: Yeah. Yeah.

Two days before I'm gonna get my health insurance, I get fired.

Wow, wow.

All right, I'm a proud guy, but I go into this guy's office, and I beg this guy for a weekend, for a fill-in -- anything, right?

And this d*ck says to me, "uh, that wouldn't be in the best interest of the company."

Come on. Come on. Wow.

That sucks.

Anyway, Nancy's okay --

God bless.

I mean, uh, we had to pay for all that sh*t out of pocket.

We had to file for bankruptcy, just now getting my credit back.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, that's bad.

But her new tits are stellar.

Oh, dear God.

[Laughter]

Now, if her ass gets a little bit of cancer...

You'd be all set?

...You're all invited over.

You guys!

You're so foul!

I was sticking up for you, of course.

Oh, of course.

Yeah, so...

Okay, this is it for me.

I am going to bed.

There you go.

All right, darling.

I love you. Thank you, Nancy.

Thank you, honey.

Good night, my sweetheart.

I love you.

I love you, baby.

Good night.

It's nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

Good night, baby.

Whoa.

Yeah, walk careful up the stairs, there, honey.

Whoa.

Be careful tonight.

Wow.

Yeah. That was fun.

Yeah, yeah.

You guys do that a lot?

Well, we get together every so often.

It's fun until it gets depressing, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Marc, listen, the sh*t those guys were giving you about podcasting, man, don't take it personally.

I mean, we know that podcasting's the future, you know?

We just don't understand it.

Hey, I-I'm not sure I understand it.

No, man, I admire what you're doing, man.

You're a pioneer, okay?

I mean, in my day, we were cowboys, all right?

But we needed to have a rancher, man.

We needed some big, fat rich guy who owned a spread.

You are a lone ranger, okay?

You control your own destiny.

We couldn't do that.

So, wait, am I a pioneer, or am I the lone ranger, 'cause either way, you got to update your metaphors.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm trying to give you a compliment, captain Internet.

Oh, that's good.

That's at least current.

All right.

I can understand that.

Yeah.

Wow, man, you've had more looks than I've had.

Yeah, none of them worked, either.

[Laughs]

Yeah.

So, what's next for you, man?

Oh, well, something will come along.

You know, radio's not gonna completely die.

I'll -- I'll find another station, you know, pack up, move along to the next chapter of my life.

Sounds like you got a pretty good attitude about it.

Well, I mean, what am I gonna do, man?

You know, I mean, this is the life.

You know, it's not that I'm not a little jealous.

I mean, you're, uh -- you're self-employed.

You know, you don't have to wonder whether you work for an assh*le.

You already know, you know?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, I just thought of something.

I don't know if you'd be interested in this, but there's a guy over at Mountain peak broadcasting.

He wants me to do a show for him.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

So, what do you say we go in there and pitch an idea for a show for us to do together?

Yeah, who's the guy?

Guy's name is, uh, Ted Curtis.

He says he's open to anything.

Ted Curtis.

Yeah. I mean, he sounds like an idiot.

Count me in.

All right.

It'll be fun, man.

Yeah.

I can learn from you.

I'm gonna try to work this out.

Well, I'm -- I'm really looking forward to this.

Okay.

Okay, so, how do you want to handle the pitch?

You want me to introduce you, and then you bring up the voices, or do you want to just slip into one?

That sounds good.

Which one?

Yeah. Either one.

All right, well, don't forget to do the woman from Santa Monica who's trying to get her son into acting class.

[High-pitched voice]

Yes, that's Margaret Grey.

It's Jason Jay Delmonico.

Yeah.

Learn it now because he has over a thousand hits on his YouTube video.

They're gonna give him his own channel.

[Laughs] Yeah.

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

One direction's down the hall.

I had to get my girlfriend an autograph.

She's Italian.

Oh, yeah, I get it.

Yeah.

I knew you would.

All right.

Bill Shepard?

Yes. Ted Curtis.

Yeah, yeah.

How you doing?

I haven't seen you since Minneapolis.

Oh, you guys know each other?

Well -- oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is the son of a bitch that ruined my life.

What?! Jesus Christ, man!

What are you doing?!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, what the hell, man?!

Oh! Do something! Oh!

[Grunting]

One for my wife!

One for my daughter!

One for me!

One for the broadcasting company!

One for the neighborhood association!

One for my pet!

One for the town!

You're deranged.

You know that?

You were always a mental case.

Officer, this man's making me feel very unsafe.

You set me up, you piece of sh*t.

I didn't know he was gonna do that.

I tried to stop him.

In my mind, I tried to stop him.

Hey, why you got to be so rough?

Just take it easy.

You're done in radio!

Everyone's done in radio!

In a famous letter to president Andrew Jackson, written by Martin Van Buren, who was then governor of New York, he urged Jackson to stop the spread of the railroads because he thought it threatened the nation's canal systems -- you know, the canal systems that we all rely upon every day to get to work and everything.

I'll get to my point.

Let me -- let me quote from the letter --

"captains, cooks, drivers, hostlers --"

I-I don't know what that is.

I don't want to offend any hostlers, but I don't know what that is.

"Repairmen, and lock tenders will be left without means of livelihood, "not to mention the numerous farmers now employed in growing hay for the horses."

Where am I going with this?

I'll explain it to you.

Here come the railroads.

"As for the railroads," he said, "the almighty certainly never intended that people should travel at such breakneck speed."

"Breakneck speed."

You know what speed he was talking about?

15 miles an hour.

That's life.

Progress. That's progress.

The pony express went away, bookstores, pay phones, playboy.

They went away. Change happens.

Some people are uncomfortable with it.

Some people are incapable of it.

But the sad thing is is that some great people get left behind, like Tom from MySpace.

I mean, I think he's the only guy there now, right?

That's got to be right.

Well, you get my point.

[Laughs]

Nice rap.

[Laughs]

Thanks, friend.

So, basically, what I do now is, I merge that with the interview, cut them together, throw a few ads in there, and then upload it to the server.

And then it's out there, man.

It's out in the world.

I mean, it's easy.

You can do this.

Yeah, you know what?

I appreciate you trying to teach me, man.

But, I mean, I don't -- uh, I don't twit.

You know, I don't facepage.

I mean, I don't -- I don't -- yeah, I don't stream.

Yeah.

Unless I'm peeing.

Got it.

You know, but I --

I don't -- podcasting ain't me.

You know, I think I got to --

I got to do it live.

Yeah.

Yeah, I figured that.

Hey.

Salud, brother.

Yes, sir.

Appreciate it.

[Sighs]

[Burps]

Nice.

We're not on the air, are we?

Oh.

You're never on the air.

All right, radio guy.

So, Montana, huh?

Yeah, yeah, big sky state.

My wife's got family up there.

It's gonna be great, man.

I'm gonna love it, you know?

Could be worse.

I could be a right-wing talker in Pittsburgh.

Yeah, that's true.

You know?

So, you're not, uh -- you're not pissed off about it at all?

No, not at all, man. I mean, this is the life, you know?

Mm-hmm.

I mean, uh, uh, look.

I've done this dozens of times.

I'm doing exactly what I want to do.

How many guys can say they're doing that?

That's true.

That's true, man.

Mm. Yeah.

I'm gonna send you a postcard.

Okay, you can send me a postcard.

Real soon.

You know, they have e-mail now.

You just -- you get on the computer and -- you know how that -- oh, yeah!

A guy told me about that.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. He looks a little bit like you.

Uh-huh. Yeah, okay.

All right. I get it.

Hey, be -- be safe.

I love you, man.

Thank you.

Love you, too, buddy.

All right, buddy. Cheers.

Let's get out of here.

I don't even know where we're going.

And it's Bill Shepard back here.

You have some, uh, uh, masochistic thing where you're having people take turkey basters, put them up their rear ends, and squeeze hot grease up there.

[Altered voice] This is called ass basting for peace."

You can purchase our turkey baster for $75.

It is designed to accommodate hot grease up to 600 degrees, and we have sizes from jumbo to extra-slender.

[High-pitched voice]

You're -- you're psycho.

You're -- you're nuts.

[Altered voice]

Why am I psycho?

Why am I psycho?

[High-pitched voice] Let me -- you know what? The truth is --