01x03 - Starring Vladimir Nabokov, Hippocrates and God

[bunniefuu]

Thom:This is God. God can do anything, but there's one thing He can't do. Not now, not ever. God can't die. God is eternal, you see? God has to be eternal. That's the whole idea of God. So the moment God can die, He's no longer God, and so God should shut the f*ck up. Walk a mile in my terrified mortal shoes, God. Lie in the dark, knowing nothing of the dark eternal nothing that follows. Then you can judge me. Until then, f*ck off. f*ck you, God.

♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, then m*therf*cking show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your m*therf*cking hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! ♪

(Julius coughing)

(groans)

(coughing continues)

(whines)

(coughing continues)

(Sighs)

Stop it.

Stop what?

Picturing him dead. It's a bug.

I'm not picturing him dead.

Yes, you are.

I'm picturing him dying.

Mm, much better.

Dying's worse than death.

Once you're dead, it's over.

If you're dying, you're still hoping you'll pull through.

Which, of course, you won't.

It's... it's the hope that causes the pain.

Well, whichever is more agonizing for you, dear.

Hmm.

Come on, you can't fire Larry.

He's just had a baby.

Larry's kid is in college.

But he's got baby photographs all over his office.

They're stock photos.

He puts them up so we don't fire him.

That's genius.

I mean, do you want to fire that kind of genius?

I don't want to fire anybody.

What about Debbie?

You're head of Production, David. Debbie's an AE.

Why don't you offer up someone from your own f*cking department?

Debbie's been around a long time, Jon.

20 years.

That's the point.

That's two years' severance. It'd be cheaper to keep her than to fire her.

Guys, we're creating a better and smarter MGT.

Every act of creation is an act of destruction.

Gustaff reminds us of eggs and omelets.

What about Michael?

We're not f*ring Michael.

He's a pain in the ass, Thom.

All good people are a pain in the ass, David.

Stick to your own g*dd*mn department.

I can drop Vince.

We can't drop Vince.

Because he's black?

'Cause no one else is.

Look, nobody gets to play Jesus on this one.

Every soul you save today is another soul you condemn tomorrow, so climb down off your crosses, take off your thorned crowns, and make the difficult decisions you guys get paid to make.

We're gonna start with Larry.

I'm gonna think about Debbie.

Maya, I need four from your department total.

David, I need two from yours.

Why does the Planning Department need to lose twice as many as Production?

Account is losing 14.

You're welcome to stay for the next meeting if you want.

Hey, guys. Come on in.

I need a caffeine enema. (laughs)

No, I'm not kidding you. I'm so freakin' tired.

♪ Mother is calledmadre... ♪

What did you guys do?

♪Papá is your dad... ♪

Lee: Oh, no.

Dude, Jennifer's got that bug now.

She's not going to school today.

Well, yeah, last night was really rough, but I think we're over the hump.

His fever's gone. You know what's amazing?

What fluids and rest will do for you.

Mom?

No, let the body do its thang, you know.

It's like fresh air.

It's gonna do more for you than any f*ckin' doctor.

Mom.

Honey, I'm on the phone.

(vomiting continues)

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.

Buddy. Oh, no.

Oh, that feels not fun.

Didn't Razorfish just lose Microsoft?

They went to IPG in May and they already have a creative director.

Yeah, I'm thinking account executive.

Oh, you're gonna move to the account side now?

Not for me, for Debbie.

I mean, do you know anyone there?

Can you just see if they're looking?

Is she?

She might be.

Bad?

Might be.

You know, Thom, you have your own job to worry about.

Well, I... I can worry about many things.

You know, I can multi-worry.

You know the only business worse than advertising?

It's the messiah business.

Go. The pay is lousy, the only benefit is self-congratulations, and the saved don't stay saved very long.

Trust me, it's the foundation of my entire career as a headhunter.

Tall tea with honey and lemon?

Thanks.

So?

There's nothing moving out there, Thom.

Nothing?

Venti espresso?

Okay, I'll make some calls.

What is this? Why do I get that?

Gottfrid:It's about creative priorities.

And New York Life is not one of them.

The team has done all they can on this account, but I say to hell with them.

So you want to let them go?

I think it's a relic of the old MGT, and we're busy now.

I mean, we have the Coke pitch coming up,

Rob Reiner wants to sh**t the Keebler campaign.

Man is a legend.

Thom, isn't the army coming in tomorrow to do some new project?

Mm-hmm.

And, Debbie, you have the meeting with "I Can't Believe It's Butter."

I mean, that is a big, big creative opportunity.

I don't want to be wasting time with this... this New York Life.

We had a layoffs meeting this morning, and you're gonna let a $35 million account walk out the door?

We're trying to build this into a creative shop, Thom.

New York Life is never going to let us do the kind of work we want to do.

Business today moves at the speed of ideas.

You don't have to like it, but you cannot ignore it.

I'm claiming no fault on this one, Jonathan.

The whole insurance category went comedy a few years ago, and New York Life insisted on staying with tragedy, and now they're getting their butts kicked by the GEICO Geckos and the AFLAC gooses and the Charlie Browns of this world and blaming it on us.

So what?

Instead of saving the patient, we're just gonna let it die?

I mean, if they want comedy, f*ck it, let's give them comedy.

How much time did they give us?

None. They're coming in Friday.

It's a formality. Review starts Monday.

Well, if anybody has any creative brainstorms, we'll give it a sh*t.

Otherwise, Gottfrid, it's your call.

Thank you.

Hey, Larry, are you okay?

Larry?

(cash register screeching)

Male voice:Oh, what you doing, Thom?

Oh, f*ck off.

They're just profiting from your fear.

If you make one stupid Gecko joke, I swear I will kick your f*cking teeth in.

Fear of what?

Death, mate.

The big sleep. Look at all this sh*t.

Long life, more energy, tighter skin.

You know what would happen if Julius took every one of those vitamins every day for the rest of his life?

What?

He'd die.

He'd drop f*cking dead, just like everyone else.

You're gonna die one day, Thom.

So is Lee. And so is Julius.

So what do you suggest I do about it, assh*le?

Walk around making profoundly lame jokes whilst whistling past the graveyard?

No, not whistling, mate, laughing.

Laughing's all we have.

"Against the as*ault of laughter," said Mark Twain, "nothing can stand."

Uh, also, mate... hello?

Geckos can't whistle.

(laughs)

I warned you, didn't I?

(screaming)

(groans)

Thom's voice:The problem is I'm Catholic.

(Julius coughing)

That's what pisses me off about God so much.

He can never know us, but the Bible commands us to know Him.

So, after 44 years, here's what I know about God... the bastard loves an unhappy ending.

(thermometer beeps)

Jesus saves occasionally, but God, God kills with frightening regularity.

What is it?

102.6.

(Groans)

We should give him something.

I gave him Tylenol.

Well, then we should give him something else.

You're not helping, Thom.

That's why I want to give him something, to help him.

(sighs) What do you want me to give him?

I don't know... Sudafed, Robitussin, Mylanta?

Mylanta?

Something. Anything.

It's all bullshit, Thom.

Lee, you're a skeptic. That's why I love you.

But to call all medicine bullshit is a bit much.

Besides, you're Jewish.

Oh, what does that mean?

You have a thing for suffering.

It's... it gets you hot.

Oh, and you chug medicine because you're a Catholic.

You think God is gonna k*ll you.

No, I think God is trying to k*ll him to get to me.

All my mother ever did was pour medicine down my throat.

I was a Jew living on St. Joseph's Aspirin.

It never made me feel any better.

Check the label on these things.

Half the crap is sugar. It just makes it worse.

Shh.

Yeah, it just makes it worse.

That's why Africans would k*ll for a teaspoon of Robitussin, because it makes it worse.

You're in advertising, Thom.

How can you believe their bullshit?

If Robitussin is all we have in our battle against the great assh*le in the sky, then I'll take the Robitussin.

You want to give him something, give him something.

(sighs) So what do you think I should give him.

Jesus Christ.

These may be our enemies abroad, but, Generals, these are our enemies at home.

Parents.

Well-meaning, but a pain in the ass.

Only 25% of parents today would encourage their children to join the m*llitary.

f*ckin' boomers.

Never met an enemy they didn't like.

Yes. The good news...

children over 18 can enlist whether Mom likes it or not.

We just need to remind them what else Mom doesn't like.

She doesn't like their rap music, she doesn't like their video games, and she doesn't like their friends.

The message needs to be, "You've never listened to your parents before, why should you listen to them now?"

Thom, you feel bad about every army assignment.

That's why we love you.

General, Julius is sick, and I keep picturing him dying, so it's, you know, kind of tough encouraging other children to maybe die.

We all die, Thom. The question is how we live.

Maybe I should enlist.

I'll bring Julius. Take Your Son to w*r Day.

I'm hoping we don't get that desperate.

(laughs)

Be good.

Rob:Look, don't get me wrong.

I love this concept.

You know me. I embrace reality.

I love the fact that you want to imbue these characters with real emotions, real feelings, flesh-and-blood characters that will live with the audience long after they've gone.

To hell with neorealism, huh?

Whatever happened to actual realism.

Am I right?

Yeah, totally.

Yes, but the problem you have here, these scripts are...

They're not real.

Okay.

No, no, no. I mean, what do you got here?

What do you have here?

You got "Fast Eddie Gets an F."

"Buckets Loses a Race."

We have an opportunity here to do something that resonates.

You know, a... Weltanschauung, if you will.

Right.

Think Cassavetes.

Think the Maysle brothers.

That's what we're talking about here.

I love Cassavetes.

I know, I get it.

They're little people, it's gonna be funny.

I get that.

But why can't we give them real problems?

And I'm not saying that, you know, J.J. should get cancer or that Mom should discover that she's got early-onset Alzheimer's or something like that.

But what I'm saying is Nabokov says you put the characters up in a tree and then you throw rocks at 'em, right?

I mean, look, they want reality, let's give 'em reality, huh?

Cassavetes.

Yes. Cinéma vérité.

Love, life, hatred, anger, v*olence, injustice.

All the wonderful frailty of the human condition.

What do you say?

Can you knock out four or five of these by lunch?

Uh, yeah. Happy to.

Rob:Great. I love it.

Thom:I can't believe we're shopping when New York Life is about to walk.

I'm not shopping for me. I'm shopping for you.

I... well, no, thanks.

Just how much of an assh*le do you have to be to keep your job these days?

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.

You teach a man to dress, he holds onto his shallow, meaningless career for another couple of years.

That's a lot of cat.

New York Life is gonna walk no matter what we do.

I'm just letting Gottfrid own it.

It's Debbie's biggest account.

Yeah, you follow your heart, Thom.

That's why you're failing.

(Phone chimes)

Don't fall on your sword for Debbie.

Yeah, well, you follow your head, which is why you're an alcoholic.

You know, it's bad enough that Julius is gonna die, but I really don't want to be standing in a Jack Spade store when he does.

Why is Julius dying this time?

He has a bug.

So I spent all day imagining him being dead.

Julius isn't dying. I'm dying.

Julius is gonna be fine.

Yeah, well, we're all dying.

Not as quickly as me.

What are you talking about?

That's exactly what I said.

"What are you talking about?"

They said, "We don't know."

Wait, wait, wait. They? Who's they?

What the f*ck are you talking about?

The doctors.

What doctors?

Don't give me that look, Thom.

And don't say sh*t about this to anybody or you're gonna have the Swedes as global creative directors as well.

They're doing tests.

That's what they do when you're 52; they do tests.

It's when they stop doing tests that you gotta worry.

Tests for what?

Everything.

Gall bladder, pancreas, liver, cancer.

Cirrhosis, fibro-f*cking-myalgia.

Could be the vodka. Could be the whiskey. Could be the gin.

If you ask me, it's f*cking vegetable juice.

I'm seeing this girl, she got me into this juice thing... kale, spinach, carrots, celery.

It's gonna f*cking k*ll me. I'm telling you.

After all these years of alcohol and tobacco, my body just can't tolerate vitamins anymore.

Medium assh*le?

Oh, f*ck. I'm fired.

You're not fired.

Am I fired?

Nobody's fired.

Do you remember the campaign we presented to Tylenol?

The sh*t fan.

The giant sh*t fan?

I loved that campaign.

Write it up for New York Life. They're coming in tomorrow.

Debbie'll get you the brief and support points.

Key frame, 160, throw in some digital sh*t.

We're saving this account.

Oh, Jesus. f*ck. We're losing New York Life now?

No. No, we're not losing New York Life.

They want funny, we'll give 'em funny.

Lee:I'm not one of those mothers... has to bring her kid to the doctor for every little thing.

You ask me, I think science is the West's new religion, and I wasn't that crazy about the old one.

Scientists have become our popes, rabbis, imams.

Question it, you're a fool.

Doubt it, you're a sinner.

That's the way all religion works out, right?

Absolute belief.

It's not a placebo, it's not a sugar pill.

It's not just letting the body do what nature taught it to do.

Behold, it's a miracle from the new god... science.

For you have found favor in his eyes.

It's gonna be 23 bucks a pill.

It's a bug.

That's it?

That's it.

Well, aren't you gonna give him something?

It's going around.

Yeah, I know it's going around.

(coughing)

My son has it.

You could try Robitussin.

Robitussin.

That's your big cure, Robitussin.

Robitussin is just relief, Mrs. Payne.

Cures are God's business.

But you're a doctor!

What did they say?

They said they don't know.

They said they'll do some tests.

That's what they do at my age; they do tests.

I went to look at that new cookie factory down the road.

Cookie Manufacturers International.

And?

They got a machine there, Ma. You should see it.

It's as big as the Hollow Tree itself.

In one hour, they can make 2,000 cookies, package 'em, box 'em, and ship 'em out.

So what's the good news?

The cookies taste like crap.

It still takes a Keebler to make a Keebler, gosh darn it.

How's Fast Eddie?

His fever's coming down.

We're not out of the woods yet, though, but we're close.

Fast Eddie!

You feeling better, son?

I thought I smelled cookies.

Okay, okay, that's good. That's good.

Very good, excellent.

Um, let's try it one more time from Fast Eddie's entrance, and, um, this time, I want you to think...

"I saved the cat, and yet I am the cat."

See? See what I'm getting at there?

See? We're...

Yeah, yeah. Okay, thanks.

Okay, good. All right, let's try it again.

All right, here we go. Okay. All right.

Quiet, quiet.

Fast Eddie.

You feeling better, son?

I thought I smelled cookies.

Okay, that... that's good.

Great. I love it. I love it.

Uh, but on the day, I want you to get under the skin of Fast Eddie.

I want to feel the relief that he feels when he faces this brush with death, okay?

Great, thank you.

Okay, good, terrific.

Hey.

Good, yes?

Those scripts, yes.

Yeah, a bit more life than before.

Up a tree, no?

Yeah.

You know, let's just keep writing more and we'll see where they go.

Yeah? Thom, you can knock out a few more tonight, can't you?

Happy to.

Lovely. Fantastic.

Great work.

Thank you.

We worked a lot on this one.

Well, it shows.

(Julius coughing)

(coughing continues)

(sighs)

Gecko:Oi... (laughs)

What's 13 inches long and makes women moan all night long?

f*ck off.

Crib death. Get it?

(laughs)

You're a f*cking assh*le.

Hey, what'd you call me?

I called you a f*cking assh*le, you f*cking assh*le.

What? f*ck you, Thom.

Excuse me?

How easy you humans have it.

Let me tell you something about geckos.

We can't blink.

We see everything... death, disease, every second of it.

You humans blink, what? 10,000 times a day? 15,000?

But we geckos don't get to close our eyes, Thom.

We don't get to look away.

It's "A Clockwork Orange" in here, m*therf*cker.

We see it all!

So, yeah, we laugh, we joke, we chuckle, because that's all we can do.

Try walking around with a frontal lobe, m*therf*cker, knowing you're gonna die.

Knowing your son is gonna die.

Knowing Lee is gonna die, that Jonathan is gonna die!

Oh, woe is me.

I'm a sad human.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

(mock crying) f*ck you!

How many times did you blink today assh*le, huh?

How many?

(Shouts)

(gecko yelps)

My legs. I can't feel my legs.

(whimpering)

Aah!

(Clatters)

Thom's voice:See, that's the problem with the Bible.

Joy is just a setup.

You're in Eden, now get the f*ck out.

You escape Egypt, now you're lost in the desert.

"I gave you my only begotten son.

Whoops, now he's dead."

How's Julius?

He's sleeping.

Robitussin?

Mm-hmm.

His fever's finally down.

He's not out of the woods yet, but he's closer.

I think I figured out why my mom gave me so much medicine.

To make you feel better?

No, to make herself feel better.

Thom's voice:I guess that's why happiness makes me nervous.

God's got his characters up a tree and the bastard is throwing bricks.

Mikal:Somewhere out there, there's a fan.

We don't know who put it there, and we don't know why.

The one thing we do know is that one day, sooner or later,

the fan will point at you.

(Cow moos)

That's why New York Life gives you the best coverage in the industry, because whenit hits the fan, we've got you covered.

New York Life... you're covered.

And we thought you could give these out to your new clients, 'cause, you know, 'cause you're covered.

From... from the sh*t.

I don't know.

It's... it's funny, but I...

It's not our kind of funny.

I don't know.

Well, you do, though. You do know, you know?

That's what's special about New York Life.

Look, you asked for comedy and we gave you comedy, and maybe we shouldn't have.

Because you know what we all know... life is a tragedy, we die, all of us.

It's an unhappy ending every time.

A smart-ass gecko isn't gonna change that.

Charlie Brown doing a commercial for Met Life isn't gonna change that.

I mean, Charlie Brown.

Charlie Brown was born in 1946.

I know that, because I was obsessed with him as a kid.

I finally found someone whose depression was worse than mine.

What does that make him? 70 years old?

70. So, Chuck's parents, dead.

Snoopy, dead.

The Snoopy they bought to replace Snoopy, dead.

Lucy has got Alzheimer's and Linus is riding around in one of those mobility scooters bitching about Obama and "secret Muslims."

(laughter)

Thom:That's life.

And you're right, it's not funny.

And New York Life knows that.

You're the adults in the room.

Stay that way.

f*ck GEICO and AFLAC and all that lame-ass comedy.

Stop worrying about what's going on at the kid's table.

Sure, it's loud and it sounds like fun, but when tragedy strikes, when lightning flashes and thunder claps, the terrified kids, and we're all terrified kids, will come looking for the grownups.

You.

(phone chiming)

Hello, Jon.

How are you, man?

Shitty. Why?

They dropped us, brother.

New York Life.

(sighs) How's Debbie?

She's drinking.

As am I.

You did everything you could, Thom, and at the end of the day, this is a mark against Gottfrid.

You got to stop trying to save everyone, Thom.

I mean, these days it's hard enough to save yourself.

I mean, Jesus only brought one guy back from the dead, and it was his best friend.

That's not a great lesson for the kids.

Thom?

Fucker hung up on me.

I heard they were lovers.

Jesus and Lazarus?

(Chuckles)

I thought it was Judas that f*cked Jesus.

(both laugh)

You know there's no hope of a relationship here.

It's the hope that causes pain.

(whirring)

Gecko:Oh, come on, mate.

You don't see the humor in this?

An insurance company wanting to pursue comedy that ends in tragedy?

That's funny. (laughs)

An ad exec trying to save himself by saving another ad exec?

A man trying to save his son while convincing other sons to go to w*r?

It's f*cking hilarious!

(laughing)

You might be right.

Of course I'm right.

It's only tragedy when you don't see the comedy, Thom.

It's only tragedy... (Car engine starts) when you don't see the comedy.

Thom? Thom!

No!

(Crunches)

(groaning)

assh*le.

Damn you, Thom. f*ck you.

Hey.

(Groans)

How is Jules?

99.

Mm, okay.

What about you?

102.

Oh, boy.

Thom's voice:"Dear Jesus," Nabokov wrote, "do something."

Oh, sh*t!

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, honey. Don't worry.

I think it looks better with the puke.

I do, honestly. I think it's more punk.

Thom's voice:That's why you have to laugh, so that when you die and go to wherever and God says, "How'd you like that cancer I gave you, sinner?

How'd you like that AIDS and that w*r and that misery and all that lovely pain?" you get to fold your arms across your chest, smile, and say, "f*ck you, assh*le. I laughed."

I should have gotten large.

(laughing)

Yeah?

♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪