01x04 - Starring Sigmund Freud, Charles Bukowski and Seven Billion A**holes

[bunniefuu]

Thom: This is a mother ship, just like the mother ship that left me on this ridiculous planet 40-something years ago. I honestly can't think of another explanation of what I'm doing here. I clearly don't belong. I've tried to get along, I've tried to fit in. I got a designer shirt and trendy running shoes, but it's not helping. It's been four decades, mother ship. I've done my time. So, wherever you are, turn around, come back, and get me the f*ck out of here!

♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, then m*therf*cking show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your m*therf*cking hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! ♪

Thom: It began as a joke.

Lee: And that f*cking school doesn't do sh*t.

Did you paint today?

How, Thom? When?

I had Jules with me all afternoon, because Fitzgerald Miller is a bully.

You should paint.

You know what you're like when you don't work.

"Scream when you burn."

Bukowski said that.

Well, it's easy for him to say.

When a man screams, he's a genius.

When a woman screams, she's just a c**t.

I need to get a studio of my own, Thom.

I need a room without a view.

He's gonna do well.

Bukowski?

No, Fitzgerald.

You mean in life?

Yeah, 'cause, you know... 'cause he's an assh*le.

In this toilet of a world, the assh*le is king.

Well, wouldn't sh*t be king in a toilet?

No, honey, 'cause the sh*t's gotta come from somewhere.

(laughing)

Great big assh*le in the sky.

I wonder when it's coming back.

What, darling?

The mother ship.

(Laughs)

To take us back to whatever f*cking planet we belong on.

That's very optimistic.

What is?

That there's a f*cking planet that we belong on.

We're down here. We're down here!

Please, we're right here!

Come and get us!

Please, help us.

Take us back. Please. Please!

Please come and get us!

Please!

You abandoned us!

♪ I'd like to sing the world a song ♪
♪ Of happiness and love ♪
♪ Of puppies, joy, and unicorns ♪
♪ We always have dreamed of ♪
♪ I'd like to get the world to sing ♪
♪ In certain harmony ♪
♪ Certain harmony ♪
♪ I'd like to give the world a Coke ♪
♪ And drink it cheerfully ♪
♪ That's the main thing ♪
♪ I'd like to get the world to si... ♪

So let's talk about this.

I love that.

Is that gonna be a real commercial?

It is a real commercial. 1976.

That's awesome.

Do you think we're too cynical today for a message like this?

No. I mean, maybe, like, old people are.

Like in their 40s or something.

Millennials.

Stupid f*cking optimistic assholes.

Oh, it's not millennials, Thom, it's nature.

We're all assholes.

Everyone who is or was is an assh*le.

What, even Gandhi?

Think about it.

We all start out the same way... a single sperm among 50 million other sperm, all desperate to get to one egg.

To win.

You, me, everyone else on the planet ever in history, we all won that 100-meter in-utero, winner-take-all race to mama's enchanted, life-giving egg.

First prize?

Life?

Second prize?

Death.

Right. Now, you think we weren't throwing a few elbows?

You think you weren't knocking a few other sperm over, stabbing 'em in the back just to get ahead, just to win?

Thom, you don't win that kind of race without being an assh*le.

I mean, a huge assh*le.

Your problem is you think that assholes are some sort of anomaly, some sort of aberration.

Nature is an assh*le factory, my friend.

If you exist, you're an assh*le.

You think, therefore you are, but you are, therefore you're an assh*le.

♪ I'd like to get the world to sing... ♪

What's going on?

♪ A certain harmony... ♪

Thom's voice: It's not just the assholes, though.

It's that everyone loves assholes.

Like this assh*le, Fitzgerald Miller.

You smell that? That is sulfur, folks.

Brimstone. The kid is pure, malevolent evil.

And everybody at Woodstock Day School loves this little shitheel.

(keyboard playing)

♪ Don't worry about a thing ♪
♪ 'Cause every little thing ♪

(cameras clicking)

♪ Is gonna be all right ♪
♪ Don't worry about a thing ♪
♪ 'Cause every little thing ♪
♪ Is gonna be all right. ♪

(song ends)

(Applause)

Somehow, between being our star basketball player and lead actor in our holiday play,

Fitzgerald found time to master the keyboard.

Thom: It doesn't matter what Fitzgerald said, buddy.

He said I was a bad singer.

Really? Oh.

Oh, he's just jealous of you, buddy.

And he never picks me for teams, and he says my clothes are stupid.

(sighs)

Okay, you know something? I'm gonna tell you something.

I'm gonna use a word now, all right?

And it's a bad word, but I think you should know it, and I think it's appropriate.

And that word is "assh*le."

I'm sorry, but that's what Fitzgerald is.

He is one now, and he's gonna be an even bigger one when he grows up.

Okay? That has nothing to do with you.

Mm-mm.

Here's something else, buddy, right?

You don't have to take it.

Mm-mm.

You can tell the teacher, you can tell the principal, or you can tell him.

You can tell him you don't like it, you can tell him you want it to stop, you can tell him you think that it's wrong, okay?

You don't have to take it, little man.

Mm-mm. You know what?

I bet if you just said one word to Fitzgerald, if you just pointed your finger at him and said, "Shut up," he would run under his desk, crying.

He would?

Yeah, he would.

Yeah.

Daddy, do you know any assholes?

(laughing)

Nice.

Yes, I do. Almost exclusively.

(laughter continues)

So the guy takes his bottle of Sam Adams Ice and he dips it in the pool and everybody cheers, right?

Because the Sam Adams Ice has cooled it down.

Music up, pool party is saved, super comes in... "Sam Adams Ice, cooler than cool."

(exhales)

Do we have to use that line? "Cooler than cool."

Client said we have to.

Mikal, this is a commercial for the urban market.

They're all black.

Client is happy to have Latinos.

Do black people swim?

Mikal: What?

I'm just asking, for believability.

For believability.

It's the city, Mikal. Where are they gonna swim?

Okay, that's the most r*cist thing I've ever heard.

It's not r*cist. It would be r*cist if I said they didn't swim because they're shiftless.

It's a marketing question.

Validity, veracity, verisimilitude.

In a commercial where beer makes it snow.

(sighs) I gotta get out of this business.

They're running these scripts past their African-American agency, Thom, and I don't feel like losing this project because we put a bunch of city people in a kidney-shaped pool.

Okay, what if we make it a prison riot?

Or what if it's just a bunch of black people running wild in the streets, raping white women?

'Cause black people run wild in the streets and r*pe white women, don't they?

(Lorna clears throat)

Coke meeting in Shakespeare.

Oh, thank God.

Am I in that meeting?

David from production called.

Keebler thinks the scripts need to be more cookie-focused.

How come I'm not in the Coke meeting?

You wanna come to the meeting, come to the meeting.

I don't wanna come to the meeting, I wanna be in the meeting.

If you come to the Coke meeting, you'll be in the Coke meeting.

No, I'll be at the Coke meeting.

Whose meeting is this? Is this your meeting?

The problem is that we already sent the scripts to Rob Reiner, and he thinks they're too cookie-focused, and he wants us to de-cookie them.

Look, tell David, that piece-of-sh*t head of production, that if Rob Reiner wants the f*cking script changed, Rob f*cking Reiner can change the f*cking scripts.

He's the dickhead that f*cked them up in the first place.

I'll tell David to get in touch with Rob Reiner regarding his suggested script changes.

Yeah, do that.

(phone rings)

No.

(ringing continues)

Ugh.

(answering machine beeps)

Automated voice: Please leave your name, number,

and message after the beep.

(Groans)

(beeps)

Woman: Hey, Lee, this is Pam, over at the day school. It seems there has been a little incident between Julius and Fitzgerald Miller, and, um, we were wondering if you could come in right away...

Hi. Hi, hi, hi. It's me.

Uh, what kind of incident?

He what?

Okay. I'll be right there.

Okay. Thanks, Pam.

(Phone beeps)

Jon: So let me get this straight, Gottfrid.

You want to walk into the Coca-Cola chemistry meeting, the meeting where they will decide if we even get to pitch the g*dd*mn account, and tell them that they should do no advertising?

That's not what he was suggesting, Jonathan.

Then why don't you explain it to me, Debbie?

Jonathan, we're past the days of advertising campaigns.

Right.

Gottfrid: We don't need campaigns anymore.

Jonathan: We don't need...

It's one smart idea, and it changes the world, okay?

We need ideation. We need social integration.

We need events. We need moments.

Yes, events. We need...

Yeah, exactly. What Gustaff says.

It wasn't a w*r that started the Egyptian Revolution.

It was f*cking Facebook.

And the Egyptian revolutionaries.

I don't think Egypt is the best case study for the long-term effectiveness of social media.

Okay, look, it's like you told me when we first met about Al Qaeda.

Do you remember? They're a great brand.

But what makes them a great brand?

They don't make campaigns.

They make events. 9/11. 7/7. Charlie Hebdos.

I mean, how many hits did they get after that Hebdo sh**ting? A million? A trillion?

We need to take a lesson from our enemies here.

From a marketing...

Hey. Hey! I'm here!

I'm here! It's me!

Over here!

Yes! Yes! Oh, yes! Yes!

This is Coca-f*cking-Cola!

They had nearly 46 billion in sales last year.

They could not be less insurgentlike if they f*ckin' tried.

f*ck you, m*therf*ckers! I'm out of here.

(Gottfrid continues indistinctly)

Wait. Where are you going?

Wait. Come back! Wait, come back!

Come back!

Come back! I don't belong here.

(phone buzzing)

Gottfrid: You don't need a campaign full of att*cks. You need one, one good one, and you're on the cover of...

Hey.

Lee: It's me.

It's Julius.

Okay, what's going on?

I'm at the school. Jules hit Fitzgerald.

Good.

With a book.

They were on the school bus. Fitzgerald was teasing him.

Jules asked him to stop, and when he didn't, he hit him.

Hardcover?

No, soft. It was "Harry Potter."

He's been crying about it ever since.

Fitzgerald.

No, Thom, Jules.

He feels awful about it. He's apologized, like, a hundred times.

You know what? I'm glad Julius smacked him, because that smug little fucker deserved it.

So I'm pleased.

Well, I'm not glad.

Now I'm supposed to wait around here till after school so we can discuss it.

So my whole day's gone now, gone.

Got no work done today. Nothing.

Gotta get a place to do my work, Thom. I'm going crazy.

Jesus Christ! But that kid's the biggest assh*le in the school.

We have to talk to the principal?

Is everything on this planet ass-f*cking backwards?

(screaming)

(breathing heavily)

Thom: f*ck you. I'm not asking your permission.

f*ck you, Thom. I need you at the Coke meeting.

Jules has just been summoned to the principal's office because he finally had the guts to stand up to this bully, and you think I'm gonna sit in some f*cking soda-pop meeting?

Biggest g*dd*mn pitch of the year, Thom.

It's the biggest pitch of the last five years.

The survival of this agency depends on this pitch, the survival of our jobs, and that f*ckin' assh*le wants to go in there pitching the death of advertising campaigns.

I know how morally opposed you are to this industry that pays for every last shred of your f*ckin' existence, but I don't give a sh*t if Julius b*rned the g*dd*mn school down.

I don't care if he's being interviewed by the police.

I don't care if he's being interviewed by Anderson f*cking Cooper.

You're coming to the meeting!

What's going on, Jonathan?

Talking about survival.

You're off the rails.

Talk to me.

What is it?

Survival... has, uh, become more of an issue for me of late.

Are you getting fired?

(scoffs) No.

11:30. That's early, even by your standards.

Nonalcoholic wine.

(laughs)

I can'tnot recommend it enough.

Wine without alcohol. What... who would drink that?

Nobody, unless wine with alcohol would k*ll them.

I got the results of my test back.

It appears that I have f*cked my liver.

f*cked? How f*cked?

Well and truly.

No booze, no pot, no salt, no nothing.

If I have any joy at all, I'm gonna be utterly miserable.

Yeah, Dani has this idea that we have a fixed amount of joy in our life.

Once you hit it, it's over.

I guess it's... I don't know.

I drank my joy too quickly.

Okay, so, uh, if you avoid joy, then... then what happens?

If I'm utterly miserable, I get to live a long and unhappy life.

That's the option.

Quantity over quality.

So what are you going to do?

Survive.

Even if it kills me.

You know what really bugs me is that everyone loves this assh*le.

Jonathan doesn't.

Yeah, but the accounts department, the creatives, they're really impressed by this Swedish jackass.

They think he's a f*cking genius.

He is a genius.

Oh, Christ. Not you, too.

"That which matters the most should not give way to that which matters the least."

Socrates.

Lululemon.

And that is where we get our wisdom from today.

Not Socrates, not Lao-Tzu.

Lululemon.

It's not hard to be a genius in a world that looks to shopping bags for insights.

Christ, I am appalled that I'm even alive these days.

I really am.

You know, I imagine myself going up to heaven where everybody's hanging around, drinking martinis, they look at me, they say, "Hey, hi. What era are you from?"

And I say, "America, turn of the 21st century."

And then they all bash me over the head with their harps.

Wait, they have martinis in heaven?

Well, if they didn't, it would be hell.

So, uh, tell me about TBWA.

Well, David Reuters is out, and they're looking for someone to run Mars and Novartis.

Wow. Candy and pharmaceuticals.

I should call my shrink.

Oh, come on, Thom.

Do you know that Freud wasn't even trying to make people happy?

Did your shrink ever tell you that?

You know, his whole project, it was just an attempt to raise the utterly wretched up to a normal, run-of-the-mill despair.

And that's the goal in life.

It's not joy. It's not rapture.

It's just being as miserable as everyone else.

Now you're wretched at MGT.

Maybe you can be miserable at TBWA.

Sounds like progress.

Mmm.

You know, uh, I don't know if I can leave Jonathan right now.

Jonathan is gonna be okay.

I thought you guys were going to keep it strictly biblical.

I know.

I'm such a f*cking assh*le, right?

Who isn't?

There you go.

Your son has a problem.

Uh, my son's problem is your son.

(Scoffs)

Fitzgerald, honey, why don't you go wait in the car?

Julius is a bully.

Oh,Julius is a bully?

He needs help. He's a little thug.

Your son's an assh*le.

Okay. I don't have to listen to this.

No, yeah, you do.

Yes, you do.

Because "assh*le" is a virus.

It's passed from kid to kid, person to person, like the plague.

Pretty soon, the whole world is gonna be full of 'em.

Do you know how pissed you would be if someone let their kid come to school with lice, Stacy?

You let your kid come to school every day with full-blown assh*le.

Let me tell you something.

When it comes to "assh*le," Fitzgerald is patient zero.

I understand, Lee. You're jealous.

Holy sh*t.

No, and that's okay.

Fitzgerald is a top student, a star athlete, first in every class he enters.

Everyone is jealous of him.

We know that.

But that is Fitzgerald's burden.

But jealousy does not give someone the right to be a bully.

Is everything on this planet ass-f*cking backwards?

Hey! Hey!

Come back! I'm right here!

I'm right here!

Please come back!

I don't belong here!

Thom: Sigmund Freud.

(sighs) That's all I got.

(laughter)

I carry his picture around wherever I go.

He's my own little secular "Ecce h*m*," promising me salvation from my crippling depression.

Here's an interesting thing, though.

I just learned this, that Sigmund Freud wasn't trying to make people happy.

He was just trying to raise people up to a normal level of miserable.

Misery is normal. People are unhappy.

So who are the real rebels?

The moody poet, the frowning rock star, or the happy people?

Coca-Cola doesn't just sell happiness.

You sell radical happiness.

Happiness as rebellion.

Defiant happiness.

Angry bliss.

Obstinate elation.

Life is Good. You know this brand?

This is a $100-million business in over 30 countries.

You know why people wear "Life is Good" shirts?

Because it's not.

It's hard. But it's easy to give in.

It's easy to be weak.

Coca-Cola isn't "Don't worry, be happy."

This campaign should be, "Damn it, despite everything, despite w*r, despite !sis, despite Ebola, despite the crumbling of Western civilization, despite your self-obsessed mother and your domineering father and your erectile dysfunction, despite all that, be happy."

Be happy.

That's how you sell to millennials.

Radical happiness. Punk joy.

Great, Thom.

I hope you know how excited we all...

I'd like to jump in a moment.

Uh, talk about campaigns.

Uh, Gottfrid, we have a limited amount of time with these gentlemen.

We're past the era of advertising campaigns.

You don't have to like it, but you can't ignore it.

Campaigns are, um, last century.

We don't need campaigns anymore.

We need... we need events. We need moments.

Why are the insurgents winning in Iraq?

Because America is playing an old game.

An old game of campaigns.

Coca-Cola needs to think like an insurgent.

We need to become an insurgent brand.

We need to fly a plane into Pepsi.

We need to plant the roadside bombs, but on the information superhighways.

Take the Hilltop commercial.

"I'd like to buy the world a Coke." Yeah?

That was an event. It was a moment.

Not part of some campaign.

Yes, it was.

It was part of the "Real Thing" campaign.

Technically, yes...

Gottfrid, I appreciate your thoughts on this, but Coca-Cola as an insurgent brand?

I mean, you do understand we're a 120-year-old company, don't you?

Right? We're worth over $200 billion.

I don't see how we could be seen as an insurgent brand.

Or that we even want to see ourselves that way.

Frankly, I mean...

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, may I?

(speaking German)

Or in a less intimidating accent, the official 1933 n*zi Party Organization Handbook.

Arguably the most important book in all of h*tler's Third Reich and the most important branding book in marketing history.

This is what Coke needs.

"Mein Kampf" was for underlings.

This is what the professionals read.

Bush read "Mein Kampf." Cheney read this.

(Jonathan snorts)

650 pages of exacting, illustrated information on brand attributes, logos, fonts, graphics, and brand personality.

It is the absolute model for effective marketing.

There is no brand that was as powerful as the n*zi brand.

Not even yours.

Whatever marketing term you wanna use, whatever message you wanna deliver, the goal is the same.

Domination.

See, I think radical happiness...

I think it's a big idea.

But the critical thing, the one thing that I want you to take away from this meeting is that Coca-Cola is not a brand.

It's an Uber brand.

It's a movement that deserves a fanatical devotion.

If we are lucky enough to be chosen by you to pitch this account, I can assure you we will not rest, we will not falter.

Your mission is our mission.

We are playing for one thing only.

(speaks German)

♪ I'd like to give the world a Coke ♪

♪ And drink it cheerfully ♪
♪ That's for me ♪
♪ I'd like to get the world to sing ♪
♪ In... ♪

Cut!

Cut. Cut. Cut!

That wasn't very happy, was it?

I told you to be happy.

Not a little happy, not sort of happy, happy happy!

We are all happy all the time.

We are all happy,ja?!

(thud)

(mutters in German)

(clears throat)

Let's take it from the top!

Hey, listen. I can't believe you got out that n*zi book today.

Why?

It's the third time you've done it in six months.

That's not true. I used it once before in the Chase pitch.

What about Google?

Uh, yes. Okay. You're right.

But if there's anyone who ever wanted to take over the entire world, it's those crazy m*therf*ckers.

What can I say? Survival... it ain't pretty, but it's all we got.

To tonic water.

And acceptable levels of misery.

Thom: So the whole mother ship thing may have started as a joke, but now I'm pretty sure it isn't.

If I hadn't met Lee, it wouldn't be funny at all.

We're the only ones on Earth the other one can stand.

Maybe that's all you can ask for on this planet... one nonasshole.

Oh. Hey!

Thom: Two if you're lucky.

Come here. (growls)

Mwah.

Thom: After all, the pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness.

Hey!

Hey.

Welcome home.

Thom: You know who said that?

Lulu-f*cking-lemon.

Oh, great.

Want a beer?

Thom: Here on planet assh*le, the shopping bag knows all.

♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪