06x11 - Modern Espionage

[bunniefuu]

From the marble steps of old DC to the sun soaked Tampa coast.

I have been to every place where you can find a human race but I have been Vicki the mooooooost!

I'm gonna go get a shovel, because theater is dead.

Shh.

Hi Starburns.

Todd, you know you don't have to creep around to be weird, right?

You're weird at picnics.

Did you hear about the paintball game?

Yeah, I heard there was no paintball.

I heard it was banned.

Well, you can't believe everything you hear.

Okay, you just asked if I heard something and now you're invalidating the whole.

Oh! Aah!

Do you know why I b*at you, Todd?

Seriously, you don't?

Cuz I don't either, but that was insane.

I'm 50, here.

I think, I think I could win this year.

I think I can go all the way.

Actually, you'll be settling for silver.

Names, you give me names or you're expelled, that simple.

I told ya, I don't know nothing about no secret paintball games.

This is from huffing paint, I swear.

Escort Alex Osbourne off campus.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hold your horse panties.

You didn't tell me you knew my name.

Look, I was about to take Todd out, and then we both got sh*t.

Guy was invisible.

A ghost.

Uses silver paint.

A ghost?

So no name?

I'd call him Silver Ghost, but that's probably already taken by an indie comic book or a terrible tequila.

Bye forever Starburns.

No.

No. No, no, no, no.

No, don't make me. Frankie?

Dean, I respect that you are my boss, so either fire me or let me handle this and go to your office.

I want to give your paintball friends a message, Jeff.

Good morning.

This era is over.

It was fun while it lasted, but now mommy's home.

Everybody with a g*n will be expelled or fired.

Don't worry, Miss Dart.

My boys and I will get this cleaned up in no time.

Thank you.

Jeff, do you know Deputy Custodian Lapari.

Oh, we haven't had the pleasure because Mr. Winger has caused me nothing but pain over the years with his paint balling.

I'm sorry. I quit that.

That's behind me.

Sure it is.

Handling turds has rubbed off on him.

Custodian Lapari is gonna be honored this week at the Gala for a Cleaner Greendale.

I'd like you to introduce him.

Why would I do that?

Because you're the de facto leader of Greendale.

And if you gave a speech coming out against paintball, it might end it.

No. No.

Just because I'm not playing doesn't mean I'm the weenie that tells people not to.

Please?

If not for Greendale, then for me?

I'll think about it.

Look, I was a different guy back then.

Yeah. Two, never mind.

Well, Frankie's upset.

Did she break up with someone?

Which gender?

I don't care, but everybody else does.

She's upset about paintball.

Paint?

Ball?

Occasionally our campus erupts into a flawless, post modern, homage to action adventure mythology, mischaracterized by the ignorant as parody.

Apparently, now that Frankie's declared it illegal, it's gone underground, and is still happening as we speak.

Well maybe for freshman, but honestly we've kind of done it to death, right?

Done it?

Nailed it? I've won a few time now.

No, who keeps track of that?

Lame! I'm thinking mostly about Frankie.

She's our friend, and she cares about this school, and I think it would break her heart if she caught any of us undermining her goals.

Yeah. Yeah.

I agree. A reasonable agreement.

You're both right.

Well, meeting adjourned, I guess. Hm-hm.

This is good.

I'm glad we all agree not to do this.

Is gonna make it a lot easier for me to b*at you.

What the hell?

They k*lled meeeeeee!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't do anything stupid.

Do something stupid.

I thought we weren't playing.

Is this an alliance?

I don't know, is it?

Who's people? Cut the crap, Elroy.

Stop that, what are you doing?

Aah! Go back to class.

Winger's playing paintball.

No, he's not.

Don't think about it, don't think about it.

Don't do it.

Grow up.

What are you doing?

I'm not playing.

For a guy who's not playing, you sure are sh**ting a bunch of mothers.

That was instinct.

I can't help being a bad ass.

But I am not playing.

Okay, so let's make this painless.

Take it easy. Leave her alone.

Stop it.

Knock it off.

Frankie is coming.

What is important to you people?

Jeff Winger sh*t me.

Do I use echo location to navigate?

Why would you ask that after learning you aren't a bat?

Hello.

Hi, Frankie.

Frankie.

Yes, Jeff, student just passed by me and said you sh*t him with paint.

Okay.

So, you are definitely not playing paint ball?

No.

Frankie, I've been cool up until now, but I gotta tell you, I'm starting to get offended by your suspicion about this.

Well. Well is a hole in the ground when you're thirsty.

Oh. I'm telling you, I ain't playing no paintball.

Boo hee haw, boo hew haw, bam.

Okay, take it easy guys.

And for what it's worth, thank you for teaching me the cool, new way to respond to people saying the word well.

All right guys.

Bye Franks take it easy.

Would you stop doing that?

Don't hate the player.

Colloquialisms aside, Annie's right.

The thing to hate this year is the game.

Can I show you all something?

You know this game is being run anonymously through an online server, but who set it up?

They haven't left a clue which is a really big clue because if they're this good at anything.

Why are they here?

Whoever's running this server is offering a huge cash prize to the winner.

More evidence they don't go here.

And they seem to have their own man in the game.

You've probably heard about a mysterious player using silver paint balls.

Well, look at these IP addresses.

If that means what I think it means, we're dealing with gibberish.

Those are mine.

That's a student or teacher on this campus opening an encrypted tunnel to an off campus site.

Big deal.

I do that all the time.

Oh, I save it all up for Saturday night.

You're right, it's no big deal.

Unless you always do it immediately before a paintball player is taken out with premium grade silver paintballs by an unknown sh**t.

And unless the IP that you're connecting to is this one.

Aah, of course.

So who's the Silver paintballs guy?

Spy, assassin, mercenary, bad person walking among us laughing, laughing quietly.

And then if we look pretending that he was looking at something funny.

I suppose you all should be in trouble.

But desperate deans hm, but desperates, but des, but desperate deans call for Deansperate measures.

From here on out, you work for me.

Everything you're saying just proves my point, that the only way to lose this game is to play it.

And I say we do the honest thing, and tell Frankie.

The school's playing and losing already, Frankie included.

If the people in this room play to win, we can not only take City College's money.

We can expose Silverballs, and, in turn, City College, and save Greendale.

Which is basically saving Frankie.

All right, so we lay low, and we try to find out who Silverballs is.

But we're not, to be clear, we did not vote on that name.

Here's a name you don't have to vote on.

You just became the Secret Dean Force, The Dean Boys, Task Force Dean, His Dean, Secret People.

I know the word Dean is in it.

Because when the politicians fail, and the peace talks fall apart.

When it seems like all is lost, and nobody really needs the Dean anymore because Frankie's here.

That's when you go in.

The last bastion of a bygone era when people respected me.

Dean Force One.

If you're gonna hang around, we could use some water.

On it.

Club Club, the last club I thought I'd ever join.

Your target is a small time paintball munitions dealer.

All we know is he's a white male over 30 and his street name is Fun Dad.

All right is everybody in this club ready to party the way they do in clubs?

Connor stop horsing around with Billy and party.

DJ might be the guy from MeowMeowBeenz.

We need clean intelligence, Abed.

No references, call backs.

Excuse me good sir, if I could have the mic.

Attention shoppers there's a sale on partying in my pants aisle.

Everything in my pants must go.

Well not everything, that doesn't, you know what I.

Koogler?

Aladdin. I thought your name was Fun Dad.

No.

That was easy.

I need amm*nit*on.

Are you a narc? Why would I answer that honestly?

Good point.

It's how most people answer, so.

Yeah, come on, it's a bad question.

You just get so many narcs.

Hey don't forget.

There's a sign up sheet on the back wall for Club Club Club.

Listen, I'm so glad Omar that you're interested in paintball.

Now I have to tell you, no sh**ting in here.

The first rule of Club Club is that we are not a fight club.

The second rule is that if you're a hot lady, you have to have sex with me.

And then there's a bunch of rules and restriction that they've just now been adding because of the lawsuits based on that, second rule, which, I'm not allowed to call a rule.

That was my screw up.

Let me show you what I've got here.

All right, these are blue travelers.

I think I've got some sarcastic mellow yellows in here.

Those are great.

And these are green meanies.

They explode on contact, and they mark your target with paint.

That's a description of every paint ball.

Okay, so you know your stuff.

Why don't I give you a pro discount?

I'm thinking something more exotic, something in silver?

Yeah, okay, great.

I think that's a great idea, you know?

You want to stay in the game?

Talk.

Okay, look.

If you're a narc, you can't play.

And if you're playing, I do accept sex for a*mo.

Or beer, right?

But not Bitcoin.

I mean, I believe in it.

I just, I think I feel like I need it to stabilize.

Who is Silver Man?

My accountant?

Oh, how do you know David?

You know what I mean.

Who buys the silver a*mo?

Oh, look, if i tell you that, I'm pretendsies dead.

Koogler? We got him.

That's good.

Then he wont be needing this.

Koogler's thumb drive is actually a hardware encryption key.

Hm, can it be unencrypted?

No, you use it to decrypt something encrypted.

A key with a lock on it.

I'll give our enemy this.

They're clever.

Why did they pair us together?

Look, a message chain between Koogler and Silverballs.

Now he's ordering a huge batch of a*mo, and stressing that he needs it before the Cleaner Greendale Gala.

City College is Whoa!

Oh! City College is going to crash Frankie's Gala.

And here's where Silverballs decides on silver balls.

Which color will look coolest against a navy blue jumpsuit?

Who wears a jumpsuit to a black tie gala?

The guest of honor.

Is your Internet not working?

It's one photo.

It's taking an hour.

You have keystrokes programmed to, eesh, that's dorky.

Looks like we'll be renting formal wear.

I'll measure Jeffrey.

Mister Winger, you clean up nice.

Oh, come on. I'm always good looking.

This seems ambitious.

Well, the monorail is more symbolic of our potential than it is potential, and none of our buildings will ever be shaped like this.

But with a little work, this is how we could feel.

You should be proud.

Thank you, Jeff, for supporting this.

Why is that in your ear?

Oh, I'm raising awareness of Armenian American stereotypes.

Bale to belfry.

Let's check in.

Should stereotypes have their awareness raised, I?

Oh, good lord.

I'm questioning you again.

Why?

Follow your bliss, sir.

You've earned it.

Keaton to belfry, I need to just all make sure we are very, very careful here.

Bale to Keaton, why don't you set a good example by keeping your mind on the mission?

And your eyes on the prize.

Prize is secure.

Keaton out.

West to belfry.

Entrances secure.

Keaton to Kilmer, status.

Kilmer to Belfry, I'm currently examining a spoon, only I'm not really examining it.

I'm using it was cover while watching a somewhat suspicious waiter.

Voice of Diedrich Bader to belfry.

I've checked the custodial wing for the third time.

Can I come join the mission now?

Negative voice of Diedrich Bader.

Continue to check the custodial wing, and then check the parameter of the inside of your office.

Okay.

And for the record, I feel very vulnerable without a g*n.

Ugh, I know that someone plays in this thing.

Hey there, Dean.

We need a custodian.

Dean.

Dean.

Dean.

Dean.

Clooney to belfry I've got a bogey with a g*n.

Excuse me.

I wasn't talking to you, I was ordering dinner.

Yes hello can I get a bogey with a g*n no pickles and three orders of g*n.

Damn it.

Clooney slooped the bogey, now he's headed for the kitchen.

Should we go?

Negative, we don't know it's our man.

Kilmer, Clooney do nothing unless you can do it quietly and calmly.

Whoa, what the hell?

No. Nothing.

Are you ready?

Yes.

Clooney to Kilmer.

What? Should I come in now?

No, no you can't ever come in ever, you're sloppy.

Excuse me can I have a word with you?

About what?

Well, there's been some reports about a paintball game on campus.

Oh yeah, you better believe the kitchen boys are playing and this year we got a new winning strategy.

Let the idiots come to you.

Oh really, oh Britta you can come in now.

Oh!

Boom boom!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

I'm sorry!

Agh.

Oh! Agh!

I stand before you one of Greendale's biggest perpetrators of paint related mayhem and I am happy to say that those days are fully behind our school.

Looking back on those dark days, it's clear that the only heroes were the janitors and the custodians left to clean up our messes.

Oh!

Ow!

Oh, ow!

Ow!

Oh.

Oh.

So it is with great shame and poetic irony that I present the custodial innovation award to Vice Custodian, Lapari.

What the hell are you doing in there?

Jeff, focus.

You all right, man?

Yes. It wasn't our guy.

The assassin is not in the kitchen.

He's still at large.

And now let's all enact what I hope will become a yearly tradition, the popping of the balloons.

What?

And Stay calm, check your zones.

Who's that?

Where?

Where?

I don't see anything.

Him.

Oh!

Sorry.

It's the custodians.

Greendale's custodial staff is running the underground paintball tournament probably with City College money.

The people that clean Greendale don't want a cleaner Greendale, they want Greendale to be afraid of itself and reliant on them.

Oh, what an exciting story.

We're got a real life M Night Shamalyan here.

It's Shyamalan.

Unfortunately, as with his stories I don't anticipate yours holding up.

Easy target.

Who's heckling me?

Oh, of course, it's the Indian guy.

I'm Arabic.

Ow, okay, let's go with that.

Anyway, you know what goes great with crazy stories?

Evidence. You're the evidence.

Come back to our side and tell the truth, so City College can be exposed.

Or I could leave and get a job at City College, where their pay phones aren't only herpe-free, they're actually removed.

You think City College will take you if you lose their paintball prize money?

I don't know how many men you have left in your game, but if you're leaving this room, it needs to be a small army.

Oh!

Mm.

Okay. I agree.

Annie look out.

Oh.

An eye for an eye.

Oh.

Aah!

Oh!

No!

No!

Aah!

Ow!

We're the last ones left?

Cover me.

Oh, dreams do come true!

Okay, we got him.

He went into a supply closet.

I know.

I guess to a custodian, a supply closet is like a location.

I'm actually relieved. I thought this was gonna be a whole gauntlet.

My heart was not in it.

I mean, I sh*t a disabled kid.

I can't do this anymore.

What are you looking at?

This isn't a closet.

Oh, it's really nice of you guys to visit, not that you ever would have done it intentionally.

Your steamy pipes can't stop us.

Well, it would be a pretty bad museum exhibit if it could.

Give it up, Lapari.

Hey Dean, I have a microphone.

You have a beer.

God has a plan.

I have a beer?

It's an old stand up line for using up hecklers.

Keep moving.

Did you do stand up?

Is that how you became a custodian?

Listen man, I was there in the 90s.

I did a few open mic nights.

I saw what karaoke did.

It wasn't cool man.

We're not so different, you and I, Dean.

Don't you see we're both in the same situation?

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Screw it. sh**t them all.

One of them is him.

sh**t every single one.

He's not back here.

Okay.

Reload.

Must be a mock jousting bridge over sawdust canyon.

We're both dinosaurs roaring in vain at the mammals.

What do you think was gonna happen when you let Frankie Dart into our world?

How much more clean can she make the school before she notices the dirtiest thing of all about it.

You think I'm a villain, but I'm not.

I'm defending a place where we all get to be our own heroes.

We're all here because none of us can have nice things.

I thought you guys were mannequins!

What a backfire!

Is the money real?

No mater who wins?

Dean, what are you doing?

What are you thinking about?

I don't know, I don't know.

He's right, Jeffrey.

A cleaner Greendale is like a healthier cigarette.

Yes, a carrot stick.

Frankie can make us a carrot stick.

We're tobacco.

No, we are not tobacco.

We are Robert Downey Jr, he was so high he was crawling into people's windows.

Now he's Iron Man.

We self destruct like this because we'd rather be heroes than villains than just kind of sucky people, that need to work a lot at getting less sucky.

She will forgive us.

I know her, I like her, and if she fires either of you, I'll quit.

She's not the enemy, she can help us.

We just have to cool it.

It's true, what he said.

If you guys lower your g*ns, I'm not gonna throw you a party, but I'm not going to get anyone fired either.

I'll see you Monday, idiots.

So who wins?

What do we -.

Okay, on the count of three we're gonna sh**t ourselves in the foot.

One, two.

Ow.

I'll see you guys on Monday.

And the Pope looks at the giraffe and says I'm in the room.

Sorry I can't remember the whole joke.

That's okay it sounds very funny based on the last line.

Frankie's gonna be here soon we should get ready.

We're not seriously still doing this are we?

We promised everyday for a week do we want her to quit?

Good morning everyone.

Wah.

So, where did we leave off last time?

Hm. Yes, sir.

I like big trucks.

I saw a fire truck today.

Interesting point.

Would anyone care to comment?

Elroy?

I made a stinky.

Worth considering.

Next item?

How do you pronounce pasketti?

Spaghetti.

What else?

Can we go to the zoo?

Well, that raises a very important point.

We can do anything we want if, and this is very important, if we grow up.

All in favor?

Wah.

Then she starts singing about all the places she's been.

Which, by the way, seems to be a total of two.

One of which is old DC.

Old DC.

Okay fine, Vicki, you're a music major, not a history major.

And the whole mother thing, I mean the two big feathers in her cap are that she hasn't let anything change her, a triumph she shared with most animals, and all dirt, and the fact that her mother d*ed, which is like one thing all mother's do.

I mean, was she a good mother?

Did she collect stamps?

Did she race cars?

We don't know!

We don't know her name, I think if you ask Vicki the color of her mother's eyes, she would say dead.

Or, maybe she would say $7 a seat.

It's bad man, I am telling you.

Nobody is safe, nobody is safe.

Blue.

They were a very pale shade of blue.

I'm sorry my show didn't honor her memory properly.

I'll try to make it up to you.

Actually we both will a, a, at the premier of our new show.

Vicki and Garrett.

Let's have a hand for Vicki's mother everybody.

Stand up Connie.

Vicki's mother, Vicki's mother!

Boo!

We'd rather you boo.

It means you felt something.

That's right.

You can boo.

And, Andy Kaufman loved booing.

Mm-hm.

Then again, we did put a fair share of work into this.

Like, you don't have to be dicks.

Did you get any of that?

Yahoo!