01x05 - Starring Josey Wales, Jesus Christ and the New York Times

[bunniefuu]

Thom: Do you know this play? "Death of a Salesman" by Arthur Miller.

The most depressing three hours you'll ever spend in a theater.

Miserable guy in a miserable job kills himself.

The miserable end. Thanks, Arthur. Thank you.

Thanks for reminding me all comes to sh*t, because I didn't know that.

Thoughts of tragedy don't occupy my mind 24 hours a day.

You want tragedy? I can write you tragedy.

Tragedy is easy. Make me forget it's all a tragedy.

Make me laugh at the misery. Then you deserve an award.

Ooh, Arthur Miller. f*ck you, Arthur Miller!

♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, then m*therf*cking show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your m*therf*cking hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! ♪

Thom: So I'm on the train and this jackass next to me is reading the "Times."

"The New York Times"?

Yeah, the f*cking "New York Times."

And how does that make him a jackass?

'Cause he's reading the news.

News is for suckers.

Yeah, because this jackass thinks he needs to know about Syria.

So now I'm looking over his shoulder.

Now I think I need to know about Syria and it fucks up my whole day 'cause I'm trying to solve it and fix it.

So information makes you a sucker?

It's not information. It's distraction.

I'm so glad I rented that barn.

Just needed to get away from this world.

To the barn.

To the barn.

That's exactly why I became a Buddhist.

Ahem, wait. A Buddhist?

A Buddhist.

Since when are you a Buddhist?

Since when? Since f*ck you, how about that?

If you're a Buddhist, you're the angriest Buddhist in the world.

Good for you, Barry. Self-improvement. I admire it.

Thank you.

Yes, exactly.

Oh, come... why is religion automatically self-improvement?

Why is it not a decline?

Maybe it's failure. Maybe it's surrender.

Well, you obviously don't know sh*t about Buddhism.

You're a very angry Buddhist, Barry.

I'm not angry, shithead.

I'm present.

Well, you're here.

I'm present. I'm more present than you, assh*le, okay?

I'm present like a m*therf*cker.

Okay? Listen, I'm a lawyer for the family court.

I mean, I left a city job, followed my dream, tried to be some sort of hero, and it's what?

It's one failure at life and love after the next one.

And my job barely makes a dent.

I mean, at this point it's either Buddhism or heroin.

Acceptance of misery. Life is endless suffering.

Maybe I should become a Buddhist.

Hey, Buddhists don't f*ck around, okay? Buddhists call bullshit.

And let's face it, life is f*cking bullshit.

So it's kind of like organized misery.

Well, it's better than disorganized misery.

Barry: Let me tell you something, adman.

That's Buddhism's tagline... "f*ck it."

"Buddhism: f*ck it."

(Laughing)

I mean, it's all a pile of sh*t anyway.

I didn't know Buddhism had a tagline.

Well, you heard it from me.

Christianity doesn't have a tagline.

Sure, it does. "You f*cked up."

"Christianity: You f*cked up."

Jews, it's just, "We're f*cked."

Well, that's what you get for k*lling Jesus.

(All laugh)

Thom: A strange thing happens when you hit your 40s.

Things start falling apart.

Suddenly everyone is splitting up.

They're dropping dead.

And so you start to think about death... and how you're spending your life.

And if you're spending it well or... just spending it.

There's a famous Buddhist, Thich Nhat Hanh, and he says you shouldn't worry about death.

He says, "Clouds don't worry about becoming rain."

But clouds don't have kids, Thich.

Clouds don't have to worry about burying their cloud kids or their cloud kids burying them.

You know who else doesn't have kids?

Thich Nhat f*cking Hanh.

Julius: Dad?

Hey, buddy.

We didn't do hugs.

I thought you were sleeping, you lunatic.

What are you doing up?

Come up.

I'm so late, buddy.

But it's so early.

Not early enough. Time to make the doughnuts.

You're making doughnuts?

(Engine starts)

Just a joke.

Oh.

But we didn't do hugs!

I'm so late. Extra hugs later, okay?

Okay.

Okay. Love you!

Love you!

Love you, buddy!

Love you, Dad!

Love you, Dada!

(Bell rings)

Woman: Yeah, sure.

(bell chimes)

(music blaring on headphones)

(train squeals)

(Thom sighs)

He dies in the end.

Comes back, though.

(Sighs)

Oh.

Oh.

Motherfuck!

♪ One Saturday I took a walk to Zipperhead ♪
♪ I met a girl there and she almost knocked me dead ♪
♪ Punk rock girl, please look at me ♪
♪ Punk rock girl, what do you see? ♪
♪ Let's travel round the world ♪
♪ Just you and me, punk rock girl. ♪

(thuds, wheels screeching)

Woman: Whoa!

(Woman groans)

I swear to God, it's like they know when I'm wearing a new outfit.

Or when I have an early meeting.

That's weird. The train stopped just outside the station.

Mm, nothing weird about these trains anymore.

(Train hisses)

(All groan)

Oh, God.

(Murmuring)

Marvelous.

f*ck.

Every f*cking day.

And then they charge you an arm and a leg.

(Clicks tongue)

Marvelous.

♪ I used to be an optimist ♪
♪ Never made any promises ♪
♪ Never made any promises ♪
♪ Never made any promises ♪
♪ I used to be an optimist ♪

♪ Never made any promises... ♪

(Knocking on door)

♪ Never made any promises ♪
♪ Never made any promises... ♪

(shuts music off)

(Knocking continues)

Hey.

Walter, hi. Come in.

Hi, Lee.

Come in, it's freezing.

(Whimpering)

Hi, Munchkin.

I just wanted to make sure everything's okay on your first day.

Oh, it's perfect.

I don't want to disturb your work.

No, not at all.

It's a bit cold with the heater out.

I called the gas company...

Oh, it's fine. It's fine.

(Stammers)

No, I could not be happier.

Do you want some tea?

Sure.

I mean, honestly, I could not love this place any more.

It's just... it's exactly what I needed.

You know? Just to get away.

No Wi-Fi, no cell, just away.

You know, this is kind of exactly why we moved to Woodstock in the first place, you know?

Just to get away from people, from noise, from all that suffocating culture, you know?

"Must see this," "must buy that."

You know, movies, television, news.

You know?

All those prying eyes.

So...

Here you go.

Uh... well, it's a special place.

This used to be your studio?

Are you from New York?

Uh, Long Island.

You know...

Oh.

Jewish self-loathing, Holocaust, theological ambivalence, disappointment to my mother... the whole shebang.

(laughs)

Mm.

Mm, well, you know what, Walter?

I think... I only have a couple more hours, so I think I'm...

I should... I think I'm just gonna get back to work.

But thank you so much for stopping.

I lost most of my family in the camps.

Oh, my gosh. Uh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to...

The death camps.

Right.

Yeah, in Poland.

Oh, f... yeah, of course.

Well, who didn't back then, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Eh, life goes on.

Life goes on. Life... life goes on.

Ah.

Not for my parents, though.

No.

My mother d*ed in Auschwitz in the gas chambers.

Ah, uh-huh.

My father didn't, though.

No?

No, no.

The typhoid. Bergen-Belsen.

Oh, right. Oh, yeah.

My sister... I mean, my oldest sister, Ruth.

She was in the resistance.

Oh, wow. Good for her.

Good for her.

Not for long, though.

No?

The Nazis found them about a week after she joined.

I see.

sh*t her in the back of the head.

Ruth.

Point-blank.

Yeah, sure. Ooh.

Wow.

My younger sister Tamar, she survived Treblinka.

She did?

Of course, the liberators gave them all food and she ate too quickly.

Uh-oh.

d*ed two days later.

Mm.

Diarrhea.

Oh, that'll do her.

Terrible way to go.

I knew others.

Mm.

Maya: We all know the statistics: 38 billion water bottles wasted each year. 17 million barrels of oil annually to make those wasted plastic water bottles... yada, yada, yada.

But what if we're not the enemy? What if we're the savior?

Mississippi River. Polluted.

Ohio River. Polluted.

According to the EPA, more than half of the rivers and waterways in the United States can no longer support life.

13,000 miles of river ways contain fish with elevated levels of mercury.

This is not just ecological apocalypse.

This is a wonderful opportunity for Nestle Waters.

The anti-tap water strategy worked for a while, but we need to expand that.

Nowadays, you can't trust any water.

Except ours.

We're not polluters, we're environmentalists.

Let's make pollution work for us.

We are not the problem. We are the solution.

Jonathan: I love it.

Debbie: That's great.

I love it. Isn't... isn't Thom supposed to be here? Thom?

(Music blaring on headphones)

(Quiet chatter)

Your tax dollars at work, folks!

Your f*cking tax dollars at work.

You think they give a damn if I'm late?

They don't give a damn.

I'm an attorney.

I have motions to file, cases to try.

They are interfering with a basic constitutional right.

We're all late for work.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's supposed to mean shut up.

That's what it's supposed to mean.

Unbelievable.

Liz, hey, it's me.

We're stopped. Dead stopped.

Listen, I need you to move my 9:00 to 10:00, my 10:00 to 11:00, my 11:00 to 12:00, cancel my lunch with Bob and see if he can do drinks on Tuesday.

I'll call in for my 4:00 on my way to my 3:00, but don't schedule anything after 5:00 in case my 4:00 runs long.

Hello?

Jonathan: Thom?

Hey, guys. Uh, bad news.

The train is at a dead stop.

Better late than never, Thom!

Thank you, Gottfrid.

As Gustaff says, "No worms for you, Mr. Early Bird."

(all chuckle)

Stay with us, Thom.

Yeah, I'm gonna stay on the line.

Hopefully the train will start moving soon.

Maya: So instead of being the evil plastic bottle makers,

Nestle becomes the voice of environmentalism.

"We just want you to have clean water.

But there isn't any. So we go out, we find it, and we bring it to your supermarket."

Jonathan: Yeah, I love it.

Debbie: Great opportunities for social here, right?

Jonathan: Yeah.

Would you like the front page?

No, thank you.

Read it?

No.

Get it on your iPad?

No.

Then how come you don't want it?

Because I don't.

Why not?

"Why not"?

Aren't you interested in the world around you?

Uh, no, I'm not.

How can you say that?

Uh, very happily. (snaps fingers)

Hey.

What?

Can you turn that down, please? It's very "boom, boom."

It's affecting other people.

You can't just bury your head in the sand.

Yes, you can.

You need to stay informed.

Okay, so what have you learned today in that newspaper that you didn't know a year ago?

Or 10 years ago? That the Middle East is f*cked?

That politicians lie, that people k*ll? That's not news.

There's not enough misery in your own life, and it's hard enough trying to get through the day without learning about all the people who didn't get through yesterday.

That is the most selfish thing I've ever heard.

(Sighs) Okay, why do you read the newspapers?

Hmm? What, are you going to cure Ebola?

Are you going to solve the Ukraine or Bahrain or acid rain?

You read the newspaper 'cause you think it gives you an edge.

Helps you get ahead. Helps you stay connected.

You know? That's selfish and deluded.

You only care about yourself.

The best thing people can do for others is to examine themselves.

But of course it's a lot easier to look in the pages of "The New York Times" than it is to look in the mirror.

For your information, I hap...

Man on PA: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

We apologize for the extended delay.

Bullshit!

As the train was entering the station this morning, it struck a commuter who had fallen on the tracks.

Despite making every effort to stop the train in time, this collision resulted in a fatality.

This train is now a crime scene and may not be moved.

We apologize for this inconvenience and will be sending another train shortly on the opposite track.

That train will continue on to Manhattan's Grand Central Station.

We apologize again for the delay.

Walter: Well, she's a very old dog, but her hearing started to go a couple of years back.

Oh, that'll happen.

It's not so bad...

Mm-hmm.

Except that she has diabetes.

Mm.

If she doesn't get her sh*ts on time, don't ask.

You know what, Walter? I am so sorry.

I've got to pick up my son in, like, an hour from school, so I've...

She'd never make it through the night.

No, I wouldn't think so.

Her sister d*ed last year.

I figured.

Coyotes got her.

Yep.

(Screams)

(thumping)

f*ck!

(Exhales sharply)

(groans)

Okay.

Woman: Almighty Father, eternal God, hear our prayers for Your son/daughter whom You have called from this life to Yourself.

Grant him/her light, happiness, and peace.

Let him/her pass in safety through the gates of death.

Guard him/her from harm.

And on that great day of resurrection, raise him/her up with all Your saints.

Amen.

Amen.

So horrible.

It's unbelievable.

It could've been anyone, you know?

I didn't hug my son this morning.

Just, you know, "Sorry, buddy, gotta go.

Time to make the doughnuts."

You know what? I think you were right.

About this newspaper, about the world.

I mean, I waste so much time thinking about everything but what really matters.

I mean, newspapers, trade papers, magazines, blogs, Twitter feeds, "People" f*cking magazine, all day, every day, and for what?

I mean, should it take death to make you think about life?

It really makes you think, you know?

About how you're spending your life.

That's why I carry Jesus in my heart.

Because all of life is just a chance to get closer to Jesus.

And when you get closer to Jesus, you get closer to peace.

It's been so long since I've been to church.

I should go, get some perspective, you know?

I picture myself doing all this stupid work.

Happy as a pig in sh*t.

It doesn't matter how happy you are.

It's still sh*t.

Mm-hmm.

And if you're happy in sh*t...

You're probably a pig.

Mm-hmm. (chuckles)

(crying)

(train horn blares)

I hear she was reading her iPad when she fell in.

So sad.

I hear the new one's gonna have a better screen.

The old one already had retina display.

No, I don't mean the display, I mean the screen.

What about the screen?

Split.

Split?

Split. You can have two windows open.

No way!

Way.

I gotta get to the Apple Store.

Me, too. Where the f*ck is this train?

It's typical. They screwed up my morning, they might as well screw up my afternoon.

How hard could it be for them to find one train?

Hey, Liz. Still waiting. Listen.

Send me the email with the Word doc you converted from that PDF.

I'll enclose the JPEGs, upload it to Dropbox, and you can transfer it all to the final PowerPoint.

Make sure you cc Gary and David, bcc Amy...

Jonathan on phone: We can't just go in with a bunch of TV.

Wieden & Bulgari are gonna come in... (Train horn blaring) with a mountain of digital sh*t.

Debbie: We should think about, at some point, of advocacy work we can do.

You know, "fight pollution," or whatever, while reminding everyone not to drink other water.

Maya: Definitely.

Classic zero-to-hero strategy.

Our target lives online.

I take some money out of traditional media, really make this a Facebook-led campaign.

Jonathan: I say take the money, give half to Greenpeace, spend the other half publicizing the hell out of our donation.

Debbie: We did charity last year, Jonathan.

It barely moved the needle.

I think we can spend our money better elsewhere.

Track 18! Track 18!

Maya: What about #GiveADamn?

You didn't send a PDF, Liz, you sent a zip.

Just send me a JPEG, for Christ's sake.

Gottfrid: I like this idea of #GiveADamn.

You know, really involve the consumer...

Come on, no, no, no. I've had a hell of a day!

Maya: We need a handle for this, something that encapsulates the idea that natural water is dangerous.

Oh, well, how about just that?

How about, um... you know, "Natural Water Isn't."

When it is, you can drink it, but it's not right now.

Maya: I like that.

You could just have, "Because Natural Water Isn't," then a list of chemicals in the ocean versus a Poland Spring bottle.

Jonathan: Compelling. That's a good one, Thom.

You almost here?

Um... no.

We're still on the train.

Just sitting here.

We hit something on the track.

Gottfrid: I hope they at least k*lled it, yes, Thom?

Jonathan: Okay, uh, let's talk about the presentation...

Man on PA: This is the last call for 156, Southeast Scarborough through South Fordham.

Thom: Here's what else happens when you hit your 40s.

You start thinking about "The Outlaw Josey Wales."

At least I did.

Clint Eastwood, 1976.

Josey's in this bar when a guy walks in.

Bad guy, black hat, cigar in his mouth.

Hey!

"I'm looking for Josey Wales," he calls out. Josey's standing in the shadows, hand on his p*stol, says, "Are you a bounty hunter?"

The guy turns to him and says, "A man's gotta do something for a living these days."

Josey sneers, looks at him, and says, "Dyin' ain't much of a living, boy."

"Dying ain't much of a living, boy."

And then he sh**t him through the heart.

Jonathan on phone: Great, this was a very productive meeting.

I'm happy. Thom, are you happy?

Gottfrid: Did we lose him?

Maya: I think we lost him.

Gottfrid: Jonathan, I really think Thom needs to get his priorities straight.

Jonathan: Thom? Thom, you there?

Thom?

♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪