01x08 - The Pantry

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Your Family Or Mine". Aired April - June 2015.
Based on a popular Israeli comedy, "Your Family Or Mine" revolves around Oliver and Kelli, who are living proof of the adage, "When you marry someone, you don't just marry them, you marry their whole family".

It is a family comedy with an unusual structure - each episode focuses on a different side of the family: one week featuring the couple dealing with Kelli's family, the next spent with Oliver's.
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01x08 - The Pantry

Post by bunniefuu »

I love going to the farmers market on Sundays.

Yeah. It was fun.

It was bullshit.

Or it was bullshit. Either way.

You can't just show up with four dirty turnips from the backyard and expect to sell them.

Dad, you need a permit to sell food there.

I need bullshit!

They let those inflatable bouncy-house deathtraps operate freely, and I need a permit to sell produce?

Don't blame this on the bouncy people.

The sign clearly said "kids only."

Bouncy house ageism, petting zoos that make you wash your hands first...

I got to wash my hands?

It's a g*dd*mn goat!

And crazy, arbitrary limits on the samples!

Dad, you ate an entire apple, and you didn't buy any.

I tried it. Was not a fan.

No more farmers markets.

You know what I'm gonna call them from now on?

Bullshit markets?

g*dd*mn right I'm call them bullshit markets, 'cause that's what they are... bullshit!

Man: Okay, everybody, look at me.

So, can you guys stay for a while, or do you have to leave right away?

Uh, we have to go.

We'd love to stay.


I have some ham left over from last night.

I'll make some sandwiches.

We had that ham last week, hon.

Well, I'm sure it's fine. Ham doesn't really go bad.

You know what?

I'm not gonna take this fascist turnip-permit business sitting down.

Last time I checked, this is still America.

Oh, no.

The last time he did his "this is still America" speech, we got kicked out of red lobster.

And nobody gets kicked out of red lobster.

I'm gonna write them a strongly worded letter.

That ought to get their attention.

Give them a little of what I gave the Coca-Cola people.

Dad didn't like new coke, so he wrote them a letter.

Off the shelves in a year. You're welcome.

Those farmers market clowns are gonna rue the day they denied Gil Durnin.


Want to help me write it, Oliver?

Um, I can't.

I promised Jan I would help her with the sandwiches.

You know, help her not make them from old ham.

Enzo, want to help me write a letter?

Sure, Gil. Who are we mad at today?

The farmers market people.

Of course. I hate those places.

Everyone always thinks I work there.

Let's go get my laptop.

You sure you want Turkey?

Uh, yeah. Just not really in a "ham" mood, I guess.

Oh, Oli, would you mind bringing that bag of potatoes to the pantry?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, bro.

Hey, where'd you get that jacket?

Found it in the basement.

Where in the basement?

In a box.

Yeah, in my box that says "Kelli's stuff."

Yeah, it doesn't say that anymore.

That's my favorite Jean jacket.

If it's your favorite, then why has it been in mom and dad's basement the last 10 years?

[Sighs] This is so like you... taking stuff that isn't yours without asking, like you did with my discman and my silver moon boots, which you knew I needed for my "tron" costume.

Maybe you need to get better at letting things go.

It doesn't even matter. It's mine.

Give it back.


If that basement door is locked, you are d*ad!

[Door slams]

[Lock rattles]

God damn it!

What the hell, Blake?!

Oliver, you need to help me get out of here.

But first, do you want to tell me what my little brother is doing naked in my wife's parents' pantry?!


Uh, well, Dani and I were having sex in the kitchen, and we heard the door open, we both panicked, and I ran in here.

What were you thinking hiding in here?

I guess I was thinking, if I didn't, someone would see me naked!

Wait a second.

If you hid in here, then where did Dani hide?

And is she still naked?

She could be anywhere. And yes.


My mother-in-law is right on the other side of this door making possibly toxic sandwiches.

And Gil is in the next room trying to take down a friendly neighborhood co-op!

God, this is a nightmare!

I know!

And not only that, this pantry's packed with carbs!

Thanks for typing, Enzo.

For this to work, I really need to be up, moving, gesticulating.

My name is Gil Durnin.

As a teenager, they called me "turnin' Durnin."

But that's not why I'm writing you today.

I'm particularly concerned about some of the new policies in place at the 47th street farmers market, specifically the fascist sales-permit requirement.

Last time I checked, this was America, not Soviet Russia.

So you listen to me.

May I interrupt for one moment?

Do you spell "Gil" with one "I" or two?

What are you doing?

I thought you were worried about carbs.

It's called stress eating. I'm freaking out!

Gil cannot find out I'm here.

That guy hates me.

Well, yeah. Can you blame him?

The last time you guys saw each other, it didn't go that well.

Hey, Gil, I think that's Oliver's brother Blake.

Oh, it is.

I'm gonna play a little trick on him.


Get off!

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh! Mr. Durnin?

What Yeah, if Gil sees you in his house, he's gonna go insane.

Then he's gonna call another one of his stupid "share squares" and make us all talk about our feelings for three hours, then I'm gonna go insane.

We got to get you out of here.

Where are your clothes?

Uh... Some are in Dani's room, some are in the living room, garage.

Ooh, which reminds me.

Gil's gonna need a new bicycle pump.


Why don't you just have sex in a bed like normal people?

'Cause we're not married.

Now, can you go find me my clothes, 'cause I need to get out of here!


Can I get your thoughts on my letter so far?

Um, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you're using way too many "g*dd*mn's."

Hey, is that mine?

No. It's mine.

I found it.

You can't just take that.

Sure I can. It's what we do now, right?

Find stuff that isn't ours and just take it?

You weren't using it, and now it's mine.

A tablet is way different than a jacket.

Dad, will you please tell Kelli that she is being a sociopath?

I'm in the middle of something, sweetie.

But "sociopath" I like that.

Let's put that somewhere.

Oh, maybe here, after "old Macdonald had a farm, "and he couldn't sell anything because he didn't have a g*dd*mn permit."

So, you're really not gonna give that back?


Oh, you are so going down.


You got to help me with something.

I need your help with something.

I'm dealing with a huge Gil problem.

I can't. I got a big Shawni thing.

Okay, talk later.

Let's talk later.

Love you.

Love you.

Hey, uh, what are you doing there, Jan?

Oh, just making some muffins to disarm the Gil b*mb going off in the living room.

It's his favorite recipe.

You have to stir it constantly for 20 minutes.


Oh, honey, would you mind grabbing me my phone?

It's over there on the desk.


Okay, I found Dani.

She was on the patio.

I got her some clothes. Here's some for you.

Uh, these aren't my clothes.

Yeah, I know.

All I could find was one sock and a t-shirt with the chest ripped open.

Oh, yeah.

So I grabbed you something of Gil's.

Now, Dani's gonna come downstairs and help me distract Jan so you can sneak out the back.

So, we need a code word, okay?

Something I can say so you know when the coast is clear.


What? No.

How am supposed to work "cougar" into a conversation?

I don't know. It's a pretty cool code word.



Why are you doing this?

When I say lasagna, you get out, okay?

Okay. When I hear "lasagna" or "alligator," then I... no! Not "alligator." "Lasagna."

Wait, so if you say "alligator," I stay here?

I'm not gonna say... when I say "lasagna," you go out the back. That's it.

You got it?

Got it.


"I think I saw a cougar outside."


That's how you could work "cougar" into a conversation.

Would you just...

You're an idiot!

Man, that pantry is deep.

Need a map just to find your way out of that thing.

Hey, do you want me to stir for a while?

You know, you could go in the other room or whatever.

No, thanks, Oliver.

I love stirring.

I could stir forever.

Hey, mom.

Oh, hi, Oliver.

Hey, Dani. Long time, no see.


Mom, do you like my dress?

I do.

Look real close, Jan. Really decide if you like it.



Oh, um, I was thinking, for dinner tonight, maybe we could have lasagna.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I guess I could...

Alligator! Cougar!

We don't usually keep exotic meats in the house.


Baby, are you okay?


What is going on here?

That's why you were in the pantry for so long.

Why are you wearing Gil's clothes?

Oh, that's just because, uh... oh, my God, you two are dating.

No, Jan. No.

I love it!

You do?

Are you kidding?

This is the most wonderful news in the world.

It is! We're in love, I think.

Can you imagine two weston princes in the family?

Do you think, if they get married, the wedding will be at your country club like yours and Kelli's was?

So fancy!

Cloth towels in the bathrooms...

I stole six of them.

Okay, before they get married, we have to get him out of here.

Gil can never know about this.

Oh, but he will.

Gil and I don't keep secrets from each other.

I have to tell him.

But dad hates Blake.

Remember, he said if he ever sees him again, he's gonna punch him in the heart.

Ah, Gil's always saying he's gonna punch people in the heart.

I can smooth things over between you two.

But before we tell him that you two are dating, we need him to forgive Blake for the movie-theater incident.

I have a plan that I think will work.

Does it have a name?

Does what have a name, honey?

The plan. It should have a cool name, like, "operation cougar" or something.

Enough with the cougar, man.

It's called "operation Jan," guys.

And here's... "jantastic."

Gil's never gonna forgive you if you're wearing his sweatsuit, so you and Oliver need to sw... janbalaya?

You know who shouldn't have been issued a permit?

That smoothie guy.

That thing went through me like a kid in a water slide.

Now, where were we?

Uh, the last thing you said was "g*dd*mn corporate bloodsucker."

Oh, no.


Did you seriously put on my cheerleading uniform?

I'm Kelli. I'm on the cheerleading squad.


You have no right to wear that.

Only girls who were voted onto the squad by the school get the honor of wearing that uniform.

You take that off right now!

This is serious! You have crossed a line!

I'm Kelli. I'm so popular.

Everybody voted for me, except for my little sister.

I cheered at all the games while she smoked weed under the bleachers.

I blew the entire football team.


Like a football team only has five guys.

And then I got married to my college sweetheart, and we had this big, fancy wedding.

You take off my uniform right now.


That uniform is sacred!

You take it off!

Get off me, you psycho!

"Psycho"... that's good. Put that down.

Now I got my tablet. I got everything.

Go, Shawni!

[Door slams]

If I knew that costume was down there, I'd have had her put it on a long time ago.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, I'll get it.

Oliver, why are you wearing my sweatsuit?

Um, 'cause Jan said I could.

Yeah, I'm planning on doing some sweating later, and... So I wanted a suit, because... I like to look official.

[Doorbell rings]

Hello, Mrs. Durnin. Is your husband here?

Holy hell. It's that weston boy... the one who partially deviated my septum.

Enzo, get him. [Snaps fingers] Punch him in the heart.

What are you doing here, Blake?

Well, I-I wanted to apologize for what happened at the movie theater.

And as a token of my remorse, I brought this gift.

Is this an authentic flint arrowhead?

Yes, it is.

How did you know I collect these?

Uh, Oliver told me.

It's beautiful. Where did you get it?

Andy's house.

I should probably look this Andy up.

I bet he has quite a collection.

What's his last name?


He's a native American.

Wow. Thank you, Blake. This is very special.

Oh, that is pretty nice, Gil.

Don't you think it's time you forgave Blake for that silly little movie-theater incident?

All right, but you got to get me two more of these... one of them a necklace.


Made of real leather, not that pleather bullshit.

Turns my neck green.

All right!

I can't believe that worked!

I know! What a rush!



Wow. We do that now. Okay.

All right, let's talk step two... telling Gil that Blake is Dani's boyfriend.

It'll be complicated, take a lot of time and patience, but if we manage Gil just right, eventually he will welcome Blake with open arms.

Okay, cool.

So we should tell Blake the rest of the plan so he doesn't screw it...

Gil: What?!

You're dating my daughter? I forbid it!

Now get out of my house before I punch you in the heart!

He picked up the knee chair.

He actually picked it up.

Yeah, I know. We saw.

What the hell happened out there, Blake?

It was all going so well, I thought I could just tell him.

Aw, Blake, I don't know if even I can fix this.

Now this whole thing is janarchy!

I might be able to fix it.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but... I'm calling a share square.

If you're gonna go around picking up chairs, Gil, you need to lift with your legs.

I know.

I'm going on record that this is not an official share square.

Share square is my thing.

I lead them.

Oliver doesn't have the training to lead a share square.

Feelings circle? Sure.

Talk triangle? Perhaps.

But a share square? [Chuckling] No way.

Well, we need to do this, Gil, okay?

Kelli and Shawni are fighting, you're mad at Blake, I'm mad at Blake for screwing up the plan.

Ooh, don't forget about Gil and the g*dd*mn farmers market.

Right, yes, okay.

So let's do this.

Feelings. Kelli, why don't you start?

Tell us what's going on between you and Shawni.

I love that he thinks he can start a share square like that.

Hilarious. Totally against protocol.

Okay. Shawni stole my Jean jacket, and then put on my cheerleading uniform just because she knew it would hurt me, and indirectly Sloane, Pippa, Fiona, and every other member of the Roosevelt high school cheerleading squad.

Shawni has no respect for other people's things.

She thinks she can do whatever she wants, but she can't.

Okay. Nice.

Good sharing.

"Good sharing."

You never say "good sharing" in a share square.

Who is this guy?!

Okay. Shawni, why don't you talk about why the jacket is so important to you?

Did you ever think that maybe I wanted to wear the jacket because you're my older sister, and everything you do turns out great and everything I do turns to horseshit?

Or maybe I wanted to wear it 'cause I want to feel like you or look like you for a minute.

You ever think about that?

You can have your dumb jacket back.


Um, guys, you're not supposed to leave the share square.

This is a terrible share square.

You already lost two people.

You're in way over your head, son.

Why don't you go, Gil?

Why don't you tell us why you don't want Dani dating Blake?

Because of what happened at the theater.

You were there. He tried to k*ll me.

No, he didn't, and you already forgave him for that.

Just because I forgave someone doesn't mean I want them dating my daughter.

What if she tries to hug him and he punches her?

Now Dani's d*ad!

And you know who k*lled her?

You, with all your meddling questions!

I'm d*ad? What?!

Gil, it's a share square.

You have to be honest.

Tell us your real feelings.

No. I don't want to say my feelings.

You know why?

Because this isn't a real share square.

Guys, you're not supposed to leave the share square.

Guys, you're not supposed to leave the share square!

What's really going on, Gil?

I don't want to lose Dani.

What are you talking about?

The last time a weston boy dated one of my daughters, she married him and I lost her.

Dani's my baby, my last one.

I'm not ready to let her go yet.

Aww, honey.

You're not losing anyone.

She'll always be your baby.

But Dani's an adult now.

If she wants to date Blake and move out and marry him and get us into the country club, that's her decision.

[Sighs] Shawni, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea you felt that way.

Look, I don't know why I was such a bitch about the jacket.

I guess it's just so easy to fall in to how we were as kids.

I'm sorry. I want you to have the jacket.

Really? Forever?

Of course. I love you.

I love you, too.

And I'll take off the cheerleading uniform.

Thank you.

Is it okay if she wears it for a little while longer?

Dani, could you come out here?

What's up, dad?

You have my blessing to date Blake.

Oh, it's okay. We broke up.



Once everybody found out about, it kind of lost its excitement.

But thanks for going to bat for us.

Really appreciate it.

Dani: Totally.

Hey, but we should do it one more time before it's officially over, right?

Totally. Where haven't we done it yet?

Uh... What about a bed?

[Gasps] Ooh, that's kinky.

Hey, are you gonna keep that cheerleading outfit on when we get home tonight?


Oh. Okay.

Instead, I was thinking we could drive to my high school, hop the fence, and do it on the football field.

Whoa! Okay, that's way better.


So excited.

I've never had sex on the football field before.

Yeah, probably best if you don't respond there.
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