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01x01 - Look Who's Talking

Posted: 05/27/15 20:49
by bunniefuu

Tannoy: 'We have now been cleared for takeoff.

'Please remain seated until the seatbelt sign has been turned off.'


Oh, yes, please. Thank you.


Sorry, sir, I need to stow that for takeoff.

You don't want to read these things anyway, full of lies.

Ah, you saved a seat for me.

You shouldn't have, people will talk.

I don't know about you but if there's an emergency, I'm not removing my high heels.

Sir, can I have a word? The computer has flagged that you're travelling without any luggage at all.

I am required to ask if there's a reason for this.

Good work. Question asked, job done.

Now, can I get a little packet of complimentary nuts and a mojito on the side, please?

Sir, can I see your passport?

Probably not, it's in my pocket.

Go on, then, as it's you.

It's not that one, it's not that one.

It's definitely not that one.

Right, sir, can I take your name, please?

Music: Stone Cold Sober by Paloma Faith

'There are two golden rules when you're on the run. One, assume a new identity as soon as possible...' and two, do everything you can to keep a low profile.



In Russian accent: It's Russian to say hello. I am...

Dr Vladimir Putinofski but you can call me Dr Vladimir Putinofski.

You take me.

I was told the doctor was...

We must go.

All right, OK. Well, let me take your bags.

These are not my bags.

Where you drop me off?

At the conference centre, your speech starts in 25 minutes.

We should make it.

First you take me to marina.

The marina? Well, there's no time.

To the marina.


I have one hour, nine hours maximum.

You wait or no wait, goodbye in Russian.


So, have you worked in a bar before?

No, but I'm a quick learner.

Whereabouts you from?


Ah, I don't know the Spanish mainland very well.

It's in Cuba.

I know.

I was just saying, I don't know the Spanish mainland very well.

I'll tell you what. You seem like a smart enough lad, I'll put you on probation starting today.

Thank you, Mr Brutus.

No, no, please. None of that Mr stuff, call me boss.

Yes, boss.

And I will call you Zorro.

But my name is...

I don't need to know your name.

My last barman was called Zorro.

The barman before him was called Zorro and neither of them was called Zorro, but Zorro I can remember.

Is that all right with you, Zorro?

Yes, boss.

You'll learn a lot from me.

Here you go, take this and write this down.

Rule number one, always make the customer feel welcome.

Hello, Brutus.


Not you! Get out!

Don't write that down.

Whatever it is, Woody, I don't want to know.

Or that.

Brutus, I found a tiny bit of glass in my beer, could I get another one?


Ah, that one really h*t the spot.

How did you find me? Don't tell me, I'm not interested.

I need a Bloody Mary. Write that down.

No, don't write that down, make it.

B, I know you're busy at the moment destroying your bar but could I have a quick word?

Zorro, mop.


Out. Mop. Off.

Admit it, B, you've missed me.

Yes, I missed you twice, but if I'd have had another bottle, I'd have got you right in the kisser.

Seriously, can we be serious for a second? This is serious.

Serious, Woody? You sh*t me.

With a crossbow.

Oh, well, that's all right, then(!)

I had to sh**t you.

If I hadn't sh*t you the Bulgarians would've sh*t you.

Well, thank goodness you were there to save me from getting sh*t by sh**ting me.

You're welcome.

You got some front, boy.

What are you doing here?

I'm on the run, people are after me.

Good. What people?

Well, amongst others, the Queen.

Oh, do me a favour!

Just give me one minute.

Tell it to the mop.

Is he always like this?

You got 30 seconds.


28, 27...

That's not fair, you didn't say go.

Life ain't fair. 22, 21...


I was deep undercover on a corruption case, this thing went right to the top.

Just as I was getting somewhere, the editor...

Is it still Frank?

It's still Frank.

I hated Frank.

Do you mind? These are my seconds.

Hey? Oh, sorry, go on.

Frank decides to take me off the job and send me to Buckingham Palace to test security as a fake footman.

Once I'm in, he tells the guards I'm a reporter who's lost his mind and is trying to get to the Queen.

You're trying to tell me you haven't?

I'm trying to tell you Frank is dirty, he tried to set me up.

I got away by the skin of my teeth and the only reason I came here was to throw myself at the mercy of the one person in the world I could...

Time's up.

.. trust.


Woody... look at me.

Are you spinning me or is this story of yours true?

It's not just true... it's true true.

You know the rules, son.

You only ever say it is true true if it is true true.

It's true true.


So you'll help me then?


Is that a no no or a yes no?

It's a "you'll get whacked into next week with this mop" no.

Look... my not-mucking-about-much face.

Really, I'm in trouble.

One week.

Ten days. Deal. I promise. I'll be gone in a month.

One week. I got a beach apartment.

You can lay low there, stay out of trouble.

You won't even know I'm there. Unless you come and visit me, in which case you'll know I'm there. Unless I'm not there, in which case you won't know I'm there.

To the beach. Where's the beach? I'll find it. Follow me.

I know. Must be mad.


Ain't she a beauty?

I give you...

.. Shangri-La.

My very own slice of paradise.


Exactly. Wow. Yeah, it does have the wow factor, dunnit?

So, what do you think?

I'd say it could do with a lick of paint, but I don't think it could stand the weight.

You don't like it?

I didn't say that.

I don't like it. There, now I've said it.

But it ain't in bad nick for what it is.

And what exactly is it?

This is where I come to think.

Been here twice in the last nine years.

Does it have electricity?

Yeah, sometimes. During the storms if you're really unlucky.

And the d*ad seagull on the bed?

Ah, I'll throw it in.

In fact, I think I did throw it in.

All right. I'll take it.


And I don't want to see you or your ugly mug anywhere near my bar.



I might have missed a wing, but it doesn't seem to have a toilet.

That is where you're wrong, old son.

Nice. And can you point me in the direction of the shower?

The bucket?

All mod cons. Make yourself at home.

Great. Shall I put the kettle on?

You're holding it.


Music: Volare by Gipsy Kings B, I need a job.

What did I say? You're barred.

And anyway, I haven't got any jobs.

WOODY CLEARS HIS THROAT I do not want you working here.

I'd barely be working.

I'd turn up late, I'd leave early, you'd hardly notice me.

Zorro, probation's over, you've got the job.

Thank you, boss. I will not let you down.

In my country we have a saying...

Yeah, brilliant, sounds amazing. Let me introduce you to the staff.

HE WHISTLES Larenza, come out here.

This is Larenza, she'll show you the ropes. Larenza, meet Zorro.

LARENZA SPITS She likes you, I can tell.

She likes me too, I can tell.

LARENZA GROWLS Woody, think you should leave before Larenza rips your arm out of its socket.

OK. You win. I'm leaving.

I'm not leaving.

Which one of you's Brutus?

I am.

No, he's not, I am.

Stop it. I am.

You stop it. I am.

Oh, forget it.

He's Brutus.

I'm Brutus.

I've got a job that needs handling. It's a delicate matter.

They come to you with delicate matters on this island?

I love this place.

I heard you're the go-to guy.

Well, the go-to guy is the guy to go to, if you've got to go to the go-to guy. Flawless logic.

And great hair, do you mousse?

You're the investigator, right?

Journalist. Was. Retired. Sorry, love, not interested.

Well, my husband's decided he wants to talk to you.

Husband? Boo.

And he doesn't take no for an answer.

Just for meeting with him he'll pay you more money than you can take here in a month.

I suppose a little chat couldn't hurt.

Good. Let's go.

Donald's expecting you.

Whoa, Donald? Not that Donald?

That Donald.

That Donald?

That Donald? Which Donald?

Her Donald.

My Donald.

Well, I'm glad we straightened that up(!)

While we're doing names, I'm Woody, and you are?


Melody? I'd love to whistle you one of these days.

What's that even mean?

I don't know.


Zorro, hold the fort. Larenza, do not hurt Zorro.

LARENZA GROWLS Woody, get out of my bar.

Absolutely. Let's go and talk to Don.

No, not you.

Come on, B, I can help. You know I could.

Where we going?

The Orphanage.

Of course we are.

What sort of bloke calls his superyacht The Orphanage?

You're about to find out.

Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to my husband.

Donald Hammer.

Teflon Donald, the pension poacher.

Dodgy Donald, the wolf of Watford.

You forgot Hammer the scammer.

I prefer Don.


No, I think he prefers Don.

I thought you were in prison?

In many ways, I still am.

Trapped out here in exile on this damn barge with hardly a penny to my name.

Times are hard, I can see.

I don't know how you cope(!)

My charity work keeps my spirits up.

I don't like to talk about it.


The Donald Hammer Charity Foundation Trust is dedicated to tirelessly improving the conditions of the many facilities around the globe for the benefit of the people it supports.

Snappy. Facilities like?

The Orphanage.


You know what would really spruce this orphanage up, some orphans.

Ha-ha-ha(!) And you are?

I'm Woody. I'm Brutus' work colleague.

Ex-work colleague.

Now, now, not in front of the kids.

Oh, yeah, there aren't any.


Brutus, I appreciate you coming over even if it doesn't look like I do, that's just my face.

I need help.

My closest friend and confidante has gone missing.

There she is.

My parrot, Wally, has gone.


The pension poacher's parrot, the one you took to prison.

The one friend who saw me through that terrible ordeal.

If it wasn't for my conversations with Wally, I don't know what I'd have done.

You might've gone mad.

Lucky you had a parrot to talk to.

Those chats got me through some dark times.

And now, someone has taken him.

You think the parrot-napping was personal?

I may have made a few enemies over the years.

Yeah, I'm guessing anyone over 50 who used to have a pension.

Not me, way too smart to waste money on pension plans.

It's true.

You'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch Brutus coming back from the casino.

Wally is the only thing in this world that really means something to me.

I need you to get him back.

I'll find your parrot.

My husband's talking to Brutus.

Trust me. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's finding parrots.

That's if there's one thing I'm good at.

And trust me, if there is, it's finding parrots.

I know, I know.

But as well as being the most annoying person you will ever meet, he is the best investigator I have ever worked with.

Much as I hate to say it, Woody is your man.

Thanks, B.

We'll split the fee 70/30.


Deal. Right. Back to El Baro, got a till to fill. Ta-ra.

Still got your catchphrases, then?

You betcha!

So, where was the parrot taken from?

Follow me.

To the ends of the Earth. Or next door, whichever's closer.

You definitely mousse.

This is mine and Wally's special room, just for the two of us.

And a rabbit.

Oh, yeah, Hercules. I bought him as a pet for Wally.

Seems sensible. So when did you find Wally was missing?

I didn't. My vet, Mr Hewitt, did.

Comes twice a week to give Wally his check-up.

But he came yesterday and the window was open and the cage was empty.

You don't think Wally could've escaped?

Parrots are pretty clever, they can ride bikes and pirates.

He was kept in a locked cage.

Well, it seems like I should start by visiting this vet.

But I better borrow your bunny as a bluff if you'd bestow your blessing.

Are you always like this?

No. Sometimes I wear a hat.


In French accent: 'Allo.

And you are?

Monsieur Patchouli Oil.

Here, take it, take it.

His name is Juliette Binoche, I name him before I know he's a boy.

The other rabbits, they tease him.
Come through, would you?

I most certainly would.

Oh, my God!

What is it?

Those blinds, they make my eyes want to be sick.

And this flooring, it all has to go.

Don't argue with me. Do not argue.

I am, how you say, interior designer?

Interior designer.

That is it.

I am very expensive, you could not afford me.

Shut up, you could not.

Shall we just talk about your rabbit?

Is it bad news?

I don't know yet. What seems to be the problem?

Well, that jacket is doing you no favours for a start.

No, with the rabbit?

He is depressed.

His va-va-voom, it has va-va gone away.

Look at him. He looks so sick.

This rabbit is as sick as a parrot.

Is that the right word? Parrot?

Parrot? Yes.

Do you mind if I examine Juliette Binoche?

This office, it is all wrong.

I hate the filing cabinets, I hate the window, I hate the wall by the window, I hate the wooden wheel.

I really hate it.

And what is this?

It's a bell.

RINGS BELL I hate it.

Please, don't do that.

I hate this sound.

Don't you hate this sound? The ding, the dong, it is all wrong.

RINGS BELL Look, Mr Patchouli Oil, please!

And what is written here? HMS "Oowitt".

What is Oowitt?

It's my name, Hewitt.





Whatever. It is from your boat?

Yes. Well, no, maybe one day, probably never.

Do you mind taking a seat?

In these trousers, are you crazy? And what is in here?

This is for you and the lady at the front desk, you naughty man.

I cannot condemn you, I have done worse.

I just sometimes... I sleep at the surgery, that's all.

I'm having a bit of trouble at home.

You're married?


Me also.

Oh, what is this?


They help put the ding in the dong?

They're my sleeping pills. Thank you so much.

No, thank you very much. You have cured Juliette Binoche.

Oh, look how happy he looks. Oh.

We must settle up.

Could I have the...? How you say?

Can I have the bill?


I shall put it in the post along with the design for the new blinds.


'Something smelled fishy at the vet's, but it was a vet's so it could've been fish. I thought I should widen my net, so I hooked up with someone who had every reason to resent that parrot.'

Melody. We have got to stop meeting like this.

People might get the right idea.

I got your message. What do you want?

Good question.

Shall we go for five courses or the taster menu?

I'm ravishing. No, I meant famishing.

No, I was right the first time.

Donald knows I'm here.

Ah, yes, love's young dream. How long have you two been married?

Oh, I don't know, what is it now?

Ah, 28 weeks, four days, three hours and 17 minutes.

That's a nice watch. Set you back much?

It's not a watch, technically.

Technically what is it?

Technically it's a trust fund for a turtle reserve in Florida.

I feel bad about the turtles but on the other hand...

Is an enormous ring. Wow!

That thing's bigger than my house.

Let's cut to it, shall we? One grifter to another.

I didn't take his parrot, I'm in this for the long game.



Damn. I was going to say money, I panicked.

Delightful Don stole the pensions of half the western world.

I'm going to find out where he keeps his money and I'm going to steal it back.

I get it. Steal from the rich and give to the poor.

Half right.

There was me thinking you were jealous of Donald's relationship with his parrot.

Let me tell you, everything wasn't perfect between those two.

Trouble in PARROT-dise?

Donald was always telling him to shut up.

You think Donald popped his own parrot?

No, it's not his style. Besides... read this.

It was sent to Donald about a month ago.

"You make me sick. Give up the bird, you monster. You're an animal."

Why didn't he show me this?

He hasn't seen it.

You've been intercepting his mail?

Yeah, course I have, I'm his wife and I'm trying to steal his money.

Letter's signed at the bottom.

"Yours sincerely, Barbara Simms, "Director of the Piqo Park Tropical Bird Sanctuary."

It's on the other side of the island.

I could offer you a lift but I've got an appointment with sitting on the deck of my 120ft yacht doing nothing.


'Melody obviously didn't want our lunch date to end. But I had another suspect to suspect. It was time to get birdie Barbara in a flap. To get some answers, I thought I'd have a sticky beak and ruffle some feathers. I told you I sometimes wear a hat.'

Can I help you?

In Scottish accent: I hope for your sake you can. What's your name, son?


Is that with an R?

Who are you?

I'm your worst nightmare, missy.

John J Johnson, Senior Parrot Inspector for the Exotic Bird Legacy of Europe, North America and Canada.

Never heard of it.

That's a code four violation right there.

And you, missy, why's your hair down?

Do you know what could happen if an owl got hold of that?

You should wear it up and maybe knot your shirt up in front, something for the dads.

I think you need to speak to Barbara.

No. I think I need to speak to Barbara.

Susie, go and get Barbara.

Feisty, like an ostrich. OK, Ralphy, spot check.

What's the wing span of a larger than average peregrine falcon?

Too slow. That's a code 44.

You're on suspension, son, effective immediately.

You need to leave these premises right now or we're going to shut down.



It's over, Ralphy. The dream's over.

But it never was your dream. This isn't you.

What do you really want to do with your life? Hmm?

I want to be a professional ice hockey player.

And so you shall.

Go, Ralphy, follow your dream. Run.

Run. Go. That's it, Ralphy.

Run, run like a hawk.

Mr Johnson?

Mr John J Johnson of the CJDACCACC. Shall we get on with the spot check?

I didn't know anything about a spot check.

That, Barbara, is the nature of spot checks. But if everything's in order then we shouldn't have to issue any fines.


We can't afford fines, we're barely breaking even at the moment.

Barbara, Babs, I'm one of the good guys.

I actually used to be a parrot trainer myself.

Really? Where?

Las Vegas.

I handled all the parrot stuff for Celine Dion, till, of course, she forgot the safe word.

Oh, what happened?

The doctors did an amazing job.

You'd never guess it was a glass eye to look at her. Staff?

Oh, there are only a few of us at the moment but we're working on getting some investment very soon.


At the moment there's just me and my assistant, Susie, who you've met.


And Ralph, of course, he does all our displays.

In fact, he's just about to start a show, so why don't we start there and then you can meet him afterwards?

Ah, right.

Is there a problem?

Slight hitch, Barbara.

Ralph is on suspension pending an unsuspension.


No! What we going to do?!

He's the only bird trainer we've got. We can't cancel the show.

Don't worry, Barbara, trust me.

The show will go on.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Madames et monsieurs.

Frauleins... and gentlemen, welcome to the magical world of birds... of prey.

My name is John J Johnson and this is what I do.

What's your name, son?


He's got no reason to lie, ladies and gentlemen, big hand for Malcolm.

Don't get up, Malcolm.

Ah, here comes our first bird of prey with my lovely assistant, Jeff.

What a beauty.

This bird is almost definitely an eagle and his name... is Vince Vaughn.

His plumage is what it is, and his natural habitat is... up in the air.

Shall we get him up there?

Crowd: Yes!

To the skies, Jeff.

Fly, Vince Vaughn, fly.

That's it, Vince, swoop.

Flap about.

Keep flapping.

Good boy, Vince.

Aye, don't come back.

Vince is off to find some live mice so that he can partially digest their entrails and then suck them back up again for his kids.

Great. This is a doddle.

Right, Jeff, who's next?

BIRD SQUAWKS Oh, he's a big laddie.

That is a vulture and his name is John Terry.

John is the weight of three lawnmowers and can smell a hamster from 40 miles.

Want to see John do his stuff?

Crowd: Yes!

Hey, John, I'm going to use this.

Are you ready?

CROWD GASPS John... don't.

No, John. Jeff!


No, John. Stay.

John! Jeff! No.

Stay, John.



The baby's fine.

They don't remember anything at this age!

Ladies and gentlemen, you have been a wonderful audience.

My name is John J Johnson, good night.

'One thing was obvious. Barbara may have been parrot crazy but she didn't strike me as a bird-napper, which led me to only one conclusion about who had taken the talking parrot.'

As Donald: Hello? It's me. Come quickly.

I think I know who's got the parrot.

What part of this are you not getting, you stupid man?

I did not phone you.

It was less than an hour ago.

Are you sure you didn't call him, sweetheart?

If anyone's going to call him sweetheart, it's going to be me.

Hello, sweetheart. You're busted.

But... You?

In French accent: Oui, it is me, Monsieur Pachoulithingy.

Normally: Or is it me...?

As Donald: I think I know who's got the parrot.

Nothing like me.

As Donald: It's nothing like me.

That is pretty amazing...

Nothing like my dear husband. How dare you?

Sh. You'll wake Wally, he's crashed out. But you know why, don't you...

In French accent: .. Mr Oowitt?

I don't know what you're talking about.


The bird's exhausted because you spent the last two days pumping it with pills, the ones by your bed?

My sleeping pills.

Piracetam isn't a sleeping pill, it's a memory enhancement drug.

You were trying to get the bird to talk.

You thought he knew where Don stashed his cash.

What? There is no cash, he's talking rubbish.

Your vet thinks you weaselled away his pension money.

I know. Crazy(!)

When your pension scheme collapsed, Hammer, I lost everything.

You sank my dream of HMS Hewitt.

I was going to have deck parties.

You ruined my life.

Oh, I haven't even started yet.

You're finished on this island, Hewitt.

I will see to it that you never examine another guinea pig's rectum for as long as you live!

You see if I don't.

You should've known it was the vet.

Those guys have always got sticky fingers.

Which leads me quite neatly on to, can I have my money, please?

Follow me. Bring Wally.

As Donald: Follow me. Bring Wally.


Early days.

Just so you know, technically this isn't a payment, this is a charitable donation.


And just so you know, technically this isn't a bird in the bird cage, it's just a bird cage.

What? Where's Wally?

He's in a safe place.

This is a safe place.

He's in a safe place where there's no danger of him being put in a pillowcase and thrown over the side of a boat.

I want my bird back.

You wanted me to find Wally so you could shut him up for good.

You looked at that parrot and all you saw was a rat and you wanted to send that rat to sleep with the fishes.

I'm sorry you had to hear this, Hercules.

You know this isn't over between us.

I'm so glad you said that.

After all we've been through, let's give it another try.

We owe it to the kids.

Oh, wait, I forgot, there aren't any.

Bye then.



Cheers, Woody.

Now, where's my money?

I thought you'd never ask.

Ha-ha! Come on, son. Now, what did we say?

80/40, right?

So that is 80 for me and 40 for me.

Yeah. That seems fair(!)

So, come on, then, what happened with Wally?

Wally's in parrot heaven.

You offed it? After all that?

Birdie Barbara's got it at the sanctuary.


He lives a better life than I do.

Speaking of which, I think the flush has gone on my kettle.

Not my problem, old son.

Or yours, by the way, cos I want you gone by the end of the week.

Yeah. You're right, B.

I'll be much better off back in London sharing a cold, grey cell for 23 hours a day with a 17st armed robber named Mickey.

Me and Mickey get on well at first, then one Thursday I pick up Mickey's towel by mistake.

Mickey doesn't like that. Mickey really doesn't like that.

"No, Mickey. Please, Mickey. Not like that, Mickey!"

All right. All right.

I'm going to regret this, aren't I?

Thanks, B. You know I'll look after the place.

Listen, Woody, you want to stay at the Shangri-La?

I'm going to need a sizeable deposit.

You're in luck.

Someone left one while I was out.

Oh, cor blimey!

I love this place.

Music: Should I Stay Or Should I Go by The Clash Brutus!

My friend say you're looking for the man with muscle.

Yes, I am. Do you know someone?

He's d*ad. Such a waste.

He had two or three good months left in him. Curses!

Have you thought about getting him some professional help?


So you're in?

I'm in.

Great. It's a date.

It is not a date.

♪ Should I stay or should I go now? ♪
♪ Should I stay or should I go now? ♪
♪ If I go there will be trouble ♪
♪ If I stay it will be double ♪
♪ So you got to let me know ♪
♪ Should I stay or should I go? ♪