06x11 - Me, Owen

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Childrens Hospital...

18, 19, 20. Ready or not, here I come.

Gotcha!

Darn it.

Aah!

You peeked. You were peeking.

I wasn't. I'm just good.

(chuckles) Let me see.

You're a cheating bitch!

Come on. I'm just good at the game.

(chuckles)

Nice try, Eric.

(screaming)

(camera shutter snaps)

Looks like somebody's having a bad head day.

Detective Chance Briggs, you old bucket of shrimps.

What's my old partner doing here?

The yoozh.

(sobbing)

What's with the water coming out of the face?

He was my ex-boyfriend. I loved his head.

The victim had his head ripped clean off.

Look familiar to you, Maestro?

Looks an awful lot like that rash of murders 15 years ago.

Those were all boyfriends of yours, too, right, Cat?

It's almost enough to make a girl stop dating.

Or only date guys you want to see dead.

Can you find the person who did this?

Not on my own.

I'm gonna need some help from my old partner.

I haven't been a cop for a long time.

It's in your blood, your glands.

I could smell it in you on our first day working together.

Detective Briggs?

I'm your new partner, Owen Maestro.

Ugh!

Rookie move, Maestro.

Never let your guard down like that.

(grunts) But section 19/a of the rule book says --

The rule book's never been out on the streets.

Sometimes, you got to bend the rules.

Sucker punch! Sucker punch!

(groans) But that's not what we learned at the academy.

(scoffs) The academy doesn't know crap.

Just ask the rule book.

Release.

(sighs)

So, what's our assignment?

The Childrens Hospital murders.

They just found a fourth victim decapitated like the others.

Four decapitations, huh?

These victims sound like the Beatles of decapitations.

The Fab Four -- without heads.

I mean I've heard of "Help," but this is ridiculous.

Mop tops? How about no tops?

You know that song "Come Together"?

Well, this is like "Come Apart."

You know.

"I Want to Hold My Head." (chuckles)

"...on, so it doesn't get cut off."

This band is not gonna have the Talking Heads for an opening act.

Let's go.

Yeah.

Which one of you is in charge?

Well, that couldn't be me.

The only thing I'm in charge of is this.

Hey, uh, boss!

These guys want to talk to you.

Okay.

(chuckling) Okay, I'll talk to you later.

Hi. I'm Brad Lendricks. I'm the head paramedic.

(clears throat) What do you want?

It's about the recent killings at the hospital.

You mean the ones due to the serial k*ller or medical negligence?

(laughs)

Let's save the snaps for "Yo MTV Snaps."

Word is the paramedics are the eyes and ears of the hospital.

Brad can't help you.

No, he's always been mysteriously missing whenever a m*rder*d happened.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go stand over there.

If you ask me, Brad's glad all those guys got offed.

See, he's been in love with Cat for years, but she refuses to go out with him.

And now he's got a clear playing field.

A clearly stated motive.

Still, we need some solid evidence.

All we have on the guy is what this bald assh*le told us.

No offense -- I'm sure you have some really great qualities, too.

I'm just going off of first impressions.

You know, I've always wanted to be a doctor.

Ever since I graduated medical school.

So, did you ever become a doctor?

Yeah. I've been a doctor for 15 years.

Oh, yeah, right.

That is not good enough, okay?

I want these tires to be white!

There's more urine where this came from.

There's that paramedic.

How do we know he was telling the truth 15 years ago?

Chet Mandvanteussen?

Just do it better next time.

We want to talk to you about the m*rder of Cat's most recent boyfriend.

You've done pretty well for yourself, haven't you, Mandvanteussen?

You're head paramedic now, your own ambulance, your own assistant.

Maybe. Doesn't mean I k*lled Cat's boyfriend.

It could have been anybody.

What about former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice?

Okay.

Not her.

One down. About 6 billion to go.

We need the personnel records on everyone who's worked here in the past 15 years.

I'm sorry.

Any files over 14 years old are converted into microfilm and then shipped to our storage facility in the Deep South where they are then destroyed.

I wish I could be more helpful.

(police radio chatter)

Turn up anything?

Semen.

And lots of it.

Just like we found at each of the other m*rder scenes.

Yeah, and according to the lab, all the semen samples came from the same person, probably male.

I would say definitely male.

My guess is Lendricks, but we can't know without a sample of his semen.

Detective?

I'm on it.

I like your haircut.

Thank you.

Got it.

What is that, some kind of time machine?

This is a cutting-edge device used to identify DNA.

Welcome to the future, my friend.

And now I'll just call the lab.

What is that, some kind of time machine?

It's the new Motorola clamshell, Briggs.

You never seen a cellphone?

Sure, but if I need to call someone, I'll use a pay phone.

This is more than just a phone, partner.

(cellphone beeps)

Look -- time and date.

Good God.

I guess it is a time and date machine.

(device beeping)

We got a match.

Chet, are you cleaning that gurney?

Yes, sir!

Hold it right there.

You're under arrest for the m*rder of --

Whoa! I want to talk to a lawyer!

The only lawyer you'll be talking to is one appointed to you by the court.

Veteran move, Maestro.

Wrong seat.

(engine turns over)

Could you get in the back, please?

Oh, yep. Oh.

There we go.

Watch your head.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, girls.

Zoe, thank you so much for your note.

That was so sweet.

Hi!

Lendricks. Last time we saw you, you were a man.

(laughing) What?

Shut up!

I made a deal with the District Attorney to be sent to the women's prison --

Better food, less athlete's foot, and the sex is amazing.

What? Anything goes!

We think your old assistant Chet may be copycatting you.

(chuckles) I didn't do it in the first place.

Wait. What?

Your semen was found at every crime scene.

Semen, semen, semen, semen!

I used to masturbate in the closets at work.

Is that a crime?

In Iraq, yes, and also here.

Okay, all I ask is that when you find this guy, you clear my name.

Except for the masturbating part.

I did do that, and I want that credit.

(sighs) Look at us, huh?

Working a case, just like the first day we met.

Actually...

It's time I told you about the real first day we met.

What's happening?

The year was 1992.

During my junior year at Oberlin, I took a part-time job at a veterinary hospital --

the night shift.

It was just me and the animals.

(TV chatter)

This is where he figures out who the m*rder*r is.

As the months progressed, I had to figure out a way to pass the time...

You stupid ape.

You missed a straight diagonal move.

...but I was bored, so, of course, I started dressing up this one baboon in human clothes.

Just one more thing.

(clippers buzzing)

My name is Chance Briggs.

Brrrriggs.

Briggs.

Very good.

Briggs.

I own you.

Own.

Me Owen.

Sure.

You Owen.

I'm gonna call you Owen.

Owen!

That's right.

Owen.

You Owen!

Me Owen!

You Owen.

You were a monkey.

That explains so much.

Like how I have no human relatives.

And how I always think of you as a god.

Yep.

Monkeys are capable of many things.

Too bad they aren't better at solving crimes.

Wait a minute.

I think I just figured it out.

I think I just solved both cases.

If you're right, then I'll take back what I said about monkeys not being good at solving crimes.

My partner needs to ask you some questions, Chief.

If you don't cooperate with us, ma'am, We're gonna have to take you down to the station for questioning.

Don't you get it, Briggs?

That's not Chief.

That's not Chief one bit.

That's a baboon.

I won 10 large at the track, monkey.

Be back tomorrow before post time.

Crap.

Wait a minute.

What's this money doing at your desk?

Okay, you got me.

I dress up this baboon to fill in for me when I go to the track.

It's an old chief surgeon's trick.

I've been doing it for 15 years.

Your days of monkeying around are over.

Yeah. It's gonna be a real hard day's night for you.

Let it be.

A baboon is so strong, they could tear a man's head clean off his body.

Which is exactly what he's been doing... for 15 years.

Isn't that right, fella?

(squeaks)

And there's your confession.

Chief...

You're in big trouble.

Why?

Is replacing yourself at work with a monkey a crime?

In Iraq, yes.

But not here, so...

Actually, I guess you're not in trouble.

Great. Thanks, guys.

How did you figure it out?

Sherlock Holmes once said, "When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is most likely a monkey."

It takes a baboon to know a baboon.

(sirens wailing in distance)

Sure does, partner. It sure does.

(wailing continues)

Owen, no. It's just a siren!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Really?! Really?!

Aah! Aah!

Heel!

Aah! Aah!

Release!

Release, buddy! No, bad Owen!

Aah! Aah! Release! Release!

[i]♪ You'll know where I am ♪
♪ Any winter, summer, spring, or fall ♪
♪ You can find me the same old place ♪
♪ Any time at all ♪
♪ So please come back ♪
♪ Any time at all ♪