01x09 - Presents

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Your Family Or Mine". Aired April - June 2015.
Based on a popular Israeli comedy, "Your Family Or Mine" revolves around Oliver and Kelli, who are living proof of the adage, "When you marry someone, you don't just marry them, you marry their whole family".

It is a family comedy with an unusual structure - each episode focuses on a different side of the family: one week featuring the couple dealing with Kelli's family, the next spent with Oliver's.
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01x09 - Presents

Post by bunniefuu »

[as Oliver] I don't need your help, Kelli.

I can carry this big box by myself.

No problemo.

I did not say "problemo."

I did not say "problemo."



[Normal voice] I'm sorry.

I do think it's really sweet you did all this to welcome your parents back from their anniversary trip.

Mm. I am totally gonna win their anniversary this year.


I'm finally gonna b*at Jason at present-giving.

And you know how?

You got your parents an amazing gift.

I got them an amazing gift. And you know how else?

You didn't tell Jason what you're getting them.

I didn't tell Jason what I'm getting... okay, you already know.

When they see that I built them a porch swing exactly like the one they had when they were first married, you know what they're gonna do?

They're probably gonna lose it.

Oh, they're probably gonna lose... you don't have to answer me every time.

You can just let me do my thing.


Man: Okay, everybody look at me.


Oli, that thing is huge.

You sure you can assemble it in time?

Yeah, yeah. It shouldn't be too hard.

I'll have it put together before mom and dad get home, plus flowers, plus champagne equals victory is mine!

You want help doing the swing?

No, baby, I'm good.

But, hey, can you do me a favor and grab that awesome wedding portrait that my mom keeps on her vanity?

I think it'd be great to have it, like, on display when they get back.

You got it.

[Cellphone rings]


Hello, hello, Oliver.

Hello, hello, mom. How was the trip?

Are you on your way home?

It was wonderful.

It felt so good to go to a country that's clearly troubled, spend some money, and help bring those people up to the standards of the rest of the world.

Mom, you were in Canada.

And, hey, you shouldn't be on your phone while you're driving.

It's dangerous.

Oh I am not driving. Your father is.

What, dad is driving?

Oh, my God, that's so much worse!

He's fine. He's a great driver.


I'm just calling to confirm that you are coming over to dinner tonight.

Look at that. There's another one, huh?

Is dad still talking about raccoons?

Are you sure you shouldn't drive?

Please drive.

Don't be ridiculous, dear.

All is well.



The picture wasn't on the vanity, so I started looking around, and look what I found all the way in the back of your mom's closet.

Oh, her old junk box?

Try every gift I've ever given her.


I can't believe she took all my presents and turned them into some kind of gift graveyard.

Honey, or maybe it's just like a... like a treasure chest where she keeps things that she loves so much that she just... she just did... like, she can't... I don't know.

I can't make that work.

There is great stuff in here.

Okay, maybe this wasn't the best idea.

"It's wine o'clock somewhere"?

Honey, my mom is very literal, and technically, wine o'clock is not a real time anywhere.

I can't wait to see how she tries to get out of this.

Okay, listen.

You have every right to be upset, but can you maybe not say anything about it today?

Because today is the day that I finally b*at Jason.


Today's the day I finally b*at your mom.

She always makes me feel bad.

Today, I'm gonna make her feel bad.

No way she can defend this one.

Mnh-mnh. Honey, you're right.

She can't. But she will.

She always wins in the end.

She's like the Liam neeson of moms.

The rest of us are just vaguely ethnic t*rrorists with bad aim.

Hey. A gift card?

Who doesn't want a gift card?

She sees them as coupons, and coupons are tacky.

It's just money.

I know, baby.

But listen, I really do need that photo of them, so would you please?

Fine, but only because I love you.

And because I want to see if she has a box of Clairs fts, too.

[Door opens]

Hi, Oliver. Have you seen...

Oh, Claire, no!

You guys aren't supposed to be here for another few hours!

It's not "you ys." It's just me.

Oh. [Sighs]

Jason's not with you?

Well, that's good.

Then I'm still winning.

Hey, watch your step here because, uh, I'm working on a little project for... for nothing.


I thought I would find Jason here.

"Find" him? What do you mean, "find" him?

Oh, I don't know.

He was out late with his doctor friends, and then he texted me this morning saying that he got called into the hospital, but the hospital said he hadn't been there.

Hey, he probably got them a really great anniversary present.

Do you happen to know what that is?

I think it was a clock or something.

[Laughing] A clock!

That's hilarious! He's so d*ad.

Oh, my God, that's what I think, too!


I didn't mean that he's actually...

You're amazing at that.

I'm pretty good at putting things together.

I assemble all the kids' stuff for christmases and birthdays.

And Jason doesn't help?

No, he helps.

He watches and he says,

"could you hurry it up with that, Claire?" A lot.

That's why I'm so fast.

[Sighing] Yeah.

I should thank him for that if I ever see him alive again.

[Muffled sobbing]

[Gasps] Jason?

Are you okay?

Oh, Jesus.

You know how sometimes guys in their 20s go out partying and wind up with a drunken tattoo they instantly regret in the morning?


Well, I went out last night partying with some of my doctor friends, and we ended up with some drunken [Sighs] vasectomies.

You got a drunken vasectomy?!

That's a thing?!

Drunken vasectomies?!

How are you even allowed to do that?

We're doctors.

We can do whatever the hell we want.





God, I'm such an idiot.


You know, I told Claire that I was done having kids.

And, you know, now I'm not so sure.

Like, maybe I want to try for a girl someday.

So Claire doesn't know?

No, and you can't tell her, either, okay?


God, she's gonna be so pissed.

Jason, I'm so sorry.

I'm with you, though.

I'm ha a prettyig problem, too.

I found a box in the back of your mom's closet that has every gift I've ever given her.


That doesn't even compare to my thing.

I have tubes inside my ballsack cut up by a drunk doctor.

And I bought some pretty nice gifts that were thrown in a box like garbage.

So, you know, samesies.

Oliver, I have a question for you.

Okay, sh**t.

What would you say if Kelli told you she had something that you didn't want?

Like what?

[Inhales, exhales ary]

Uh, like a tiny, little you.

You mean Iike an Oliver action figure?

Why wouldn't I want that?

I'm pregnant.



Claire, are you serious?


That's amazing!

Yeah. It is!

But it's also terrible because Jason says he doesn't want any more kids, and now he's gonna have another one.

And he jokes about divorcing me when I make chicken too often, and...


He's gonna be so mad at me.

Well, how did it happen?

From behind.

No, but thank you for that.

I-I meant, how did you get pregnant?

Don't you guys use, like, protection?

Well, you know how they say the pill works 99% of the time?

Well, it works way less of the time if you leave your pills in your purse and your purse on a bus.

Says here you can get it reversed after two weeks.

That's actually true.

So I just need to stay away from Claire for two weeks.

And you can't let her see you naked because...

'Cause that would just be cruel.

That little minx has a really hard time keeping her hands off this twice-a-week gym body.

I mean, what do I say?

Is there a way to tell him so he won't be mad at me?

Um, well, anytime Kelli does something that she thinks will make me mad, she always does the same thing right before she tells me.


Um, well, it's, uh...

It's sexual in nature.

I think you know what I'm talking about.

No. What?

Um, well, it's something that makes me feel really good.

And, like, spent.

Still nothing.

She bl*ws me, okay?



Then whatever it is, I don't get mad, and, wow, I really don't like having this conversation with my sister-in-law.

Okay, so I do that, then I tell him I'm pregnant?

Genius. Thanks, Oliver.

I'm gonna blow him the second I see him.
Oh, hello, hello.

[Australian accent] Uh, g'day, g'day.

Uh, this is Lana.


Hi, Lana.

Uh, Lana needs the lav.

Uh, it's right this way, me Sheila.

[Normal voice] Uh [Laughs]

Um, I've been trying to hook up with this girl for three weeks, and she only likes rich foreigners, so I'm an aussie pop star and this is my manager's house, so I guess you're my manager and you're my hair stylist.

Okay, no time for questions. Get on board!


Do we have an Australian accent, too?

Oh, shit, I don't know.

[Australian accent] Uh, g'day.



[Australian accent] We've been out all night.

We're just maybe looking for a place to lay down a spell, so...

No, wait, wait.

You said you were gonna make me an authentic Australian breakfast.


[Normal voice] And what might that be, Blake?

Oh. You know, um...

Uh, outback eggs and kangaroo ham.

Sure, it is.

[Australian accent] Hey, your hair looks great, Blake.

Right-o. Ta.

[Cellphone rings]


Hello, hello, Oliver.

I just wanted to check in and let you know that I'm driving now.

You have nothing to worry about.

You switched. Good.

Well, we had to.

Your father got pulled over, and even though he hadn't had a drink all weekend, he couldn't pass a sobriety test.


Drive safe, mom. I'll see you in a few.

Yeah, so, as I told you, my manager and my hair stylist weren't supposed to be here today, but the good news is they're about to go on walkabout.

Which means leave.

Yeah, we're not, though.

Because we have to finish making a porch swing.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

For my... for my album-cover sh**t.

Oh. Yeah.

No, we decided to go a different way with the album cover.

This swing is for your publicist's anniversary, which is tonight. Remember?

Ah. Bugger. Um...

Well, how about we leave?

We'll maybe just go back to your place.

How long have you been a manager?

Because [Chuckles] I'm a singer, too, and I would love to have a manager.

Uh, he likes to just focus on me.

Uh, take up a lot of his time.


And, uh, to honest, he's not that good at his job.

Uh, you know, Blake, I'm only as good as my clients.

And the truth is, I could use a new one.

Blake's career is not what it used to be.

That's helpful.

Um, how about we get back to that brecky, eh?

Oh, okay.

Look who I found upstairs.


Oh, my God, baby! [Gasps]

Baby, I was so worried. Are you okay?


Why don't you come upstairs with me?

'Cause I have a super-secret surprise for you.

I'm good.

I think I'm just gonna park it right here in this chair.

What happened to you?

[Sighs] Leg fell asleep.

Hey, come here.

What was that crazy look Claire just gave you?

Oh, it was... She, um...

Babe, I can't tell you.

That's funny, cause I can't tell you something Jason just told me.

On three?


One, two... One, two...

Claire's pregnant.

Jason had a vasectomy.

[Both gasp]


She is?



From behind.

He got drunk with some doctors.

Okay, so she's scared to tell him, so I told her your old trick of what to do right before giving news that might make me mad.

Oh, no.

I told him to hide his junk from her.

Oh, wow. This ought to be fun.


[Clears throat]

Why so shy, sweetheart?

I'm just really tired, babe.


Think I'm gonna go rest... My leg.


Should we just tell them?

No way, honey.

We can't be the ones to tell Jason he's having a baby.


And we can't be the ones to tell Claire he's not having any more.

Okay, listen, my parents are gonna be home any minute.

It's almost "Oliver wins the anniversary" time.

Which means it's almost "Kelli wins Ricky" time.

Oh, you're adorable.

But she will destroy you.

Uh, Oli, Lana wants to sing you a song as an audition.

Okay, guys, I think maybe this has gone a little bit too...

[off-key] ♪ Ohh, ohh, ohh ♪

Hello, hello!

Happy anniversary.

Oh, look, my, uh, publicist and chauffeur are here.


Okay, Blake is a pop star, I'm his manager, and you're his publicist.

Oh, for God's sake.


Your publicist is a b*tch.

But his chauffeur isn't.

Honey, don't do it.

Oh, I'm doing it.

What's that?

Yeah, that's right.

I found your little Kelli gift cemetery.

Oh, that was in my closet.

Not anymore.

You want to explain why every gift I've ever given you was in a box in the back of your closet?

Okay, calm down.

I can see that your little discovery has upset you.

Damn right, it has.

What would you prefer I do?

Tell you I loved it, and then the second you left, throw the gifts in the trash?

Well, no...

Of course not.

Would you prefer that I said I liked it and then gave it to Leticia as her Christmas present?

No, because...

Because that would be rude.

Would you rather that I just said, "Kelli, I don't like this.

"It's not my style.

I don't want to wear it, eat it, look at it, or use it."

"So take it back to wherever you got it because I don't want it in my house"?

No, I wouldn't, Ricky.

No, and why wouldn't you?

Because it would be rude and would hurt your feelings, wouldn't it?

Yes, it would.

So, if you rummage through my closet and my personal belongings in my house on my anniversary, is that rude?

Might that hurt my feelings?


Good. Then it's settled.

I accept your apology.

How'd it go?

Are you familiar with my ass?


I am, too, now, 'cause I just had it handed to me.

Jason. What's up, dad?

When did you get your vasectomy?

How did you know?

I recognize the walk.

I got snipped, too, you know?

I haven't even told Claire yet.

Well, you got to tell her, son.

I know, dad.


They snipped your b*lls off, too?

Okay, everybody, can we gather around the couch for just a minute?

[Clears throat]

Mom, dad.

In honor of your anniversary, I wanted to do a little somthing to celebrate your past and your future.


Oh! A new porch swing!

Oh, Oliver, it's beautiful.

Oh, Oliver, this is the best present we ever could have gotten.

And all this work.

Oh, I love it and I love you.

I love you, too, mom.

I crushed it.

Why are you avoiding me?

I need to talk to you.

Look, I-I got to talk to you, all right?

I'... I'm sorry.


God, I went out last night with some friends, we got really drunk, and I ended up with a...

A vasectomy.


It's so stupid. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I mean, it's super weird thing to do with your friends.

But it's... it's okay.

No, it's not okay.

I should've talked about this with you.

I'm sorry.

No, it doesn't matter.

Of course it matters, honey.

Come on. What do you mean?

'Cause, baby, I'm pregnant.

A-are you serious?

Yeah. I mean, I took three tests.

Well, four, but one fell in the toilet, and I was like, "bleagh, I'm not..."


We're having a baby?

We're having a baby.

Oh, my God.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh. Guys.

We're having a baby. [Squeals]

Oh, my gosh!

Another Weston baby?!

This is the best present anyone could have ever given me!

Don't lie it!

That's fantastic!

Oh, my God. Seriously?

[As Kelli] Oh, my God, Oliver.

Today is the day I am totally gonna b*at your mom.

I can just feel it.

[As Oliver] Kelli, babe, I'm so gonna b*at my brother at gift-giving.

I mean, there is, like, no way she can talk her way out of this.

This swing is the best present ever!

[Both laugh]

[Normal voice] Oh, babe, you missed our turn.

Oh, babe, you missed our turn.

No, seriously, you missed the turn.

[Normal voice] Shit, I'm sorry.
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