01x02 - In the Line of Fire

[bunniefuu]

You know the old saying,

"There's no time like the present"?

Well, what better present to get yourself a share of than... what?

Paul?

Time?

Time-share, exactly!

You catch on quick, Paul.

You're a very lucky lady, Jan.

Jen.

Whatever.

Los Vanos Apartment Paradise, the single best property investment you can make, no question.

I have question.

Yes, of course. Mr...?

No Mr - Sheikh.

Sheikh!

Sheikh Ratt-el Enrol.

What if I take them all...? For whole year?

Is possible, yes?

Oh!

Sorry, Paul.

You snooze, you don't win.

Now, you take a cheque?

Ah, no cheques left, I spend so much money.

Lamborghini, Lamborghini, jewels, Pizza Hut, Lamborghini.

You take cash or jewels, Mr...?

Todd.

Ah, beautiful name. Mr Todd.

I put you in contact with my contact who will put you in contact with his contact, yes?

Well, of course, Sheikh.

Scottish accent: No, laddie, no Sheikh.

John J Johnson, regional vermin exterminator for the region and the surrounding regions.

I just didn't want to embarrass you in front of Paul and Jane.

Sorry, vermin?

Aye, vermin.

You, sir, are up to your ears in earwigs, ticks, fleas, parasites, pigeons, rats, mice, lice, voles, polecats, bed bugs and... did I mention cockroaches?

Sorry, who called you in?

And thank God they did.

I'm putting you into shutdown, effective immediately.

You haven't got the authority.

No, but I have.

I want to speak to your superior.

No need to thank me. You need to leave now.

I'll stay on site for as long as it takes.

Toss me the keys, laddie.

If there's one thing cockroaches can't stand, it's the sound of a multispeed Jacuzzi.

Now go. I'll call you in a week.

But you haven't got my number.

No, but I have.

Music: "Stone Cold Sober" by "Paloma Faith"

♪ I can be wilder than the wind ♪
♪ 119 miles an hour ♪
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension ♪
♪ Dancing doubles on the floor ♪
♪ You think I'm crazy ♪
♪ A little bit hazy ♪
♪ But I'm stone-cold ♪
♪ I can be wilder than the wind ♪
♪ 119 miles an hour ♪
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension ♪
♪ Dancing doubles on the floor ♪
♪ You think I'm crazy ♪
♪ A little bit hazy ♪
♪ But I'm stone ♪
♪ Cold. ♪

(Seagulls call)

Brutus, big news.

I've found somewhere else to stay.

You can have your desolate fish shed nightmare thing back.

Don't say you're talking about my beautiful beach hut.

That's what I said. Your beautiful, stinking beach hut apocalypse, travesty, dead-seagulls-on-the-bed nightmare thing.

Never become an estate agent!

I'm moving out. No need to thank me.

You don't have to say a thing.

Zorro, Bloody Mary.

Thanks, B. Not too spicy.

It is not for you, you plum. Zorro, spicy.

Spicy, no spicy, spicy, no spicy.

It's like... I don't know, come on, man, forget about it.

Sorry, Woods, no dinero, no drinko.

Come on, B, I'm skint.

Maybe you could advance me a month's wages.

You don't work for me.

OK, a month of his wages.

Look...

I'll help you out in the empty pocket department.

I've got you a job.

You're the best. No, wait, I forgot about me.

You're the second best.

Do you want the job or don't ya?

All you got to do is deliver an antique.

I'm not interested. Who's it for, anyway?

She's in the members' lounge.

Like I said, I'm interested.

There's a surprise. Her name's Maria.

That's not a surprise.

It would've been a surprise if her name was Kevin.

Will you turn it off for one minute?

She's from a courier company.

One of her guys has let her down, she's looking for someone to step in - short notice.

She said she wants to hire someone who's a bit of muscle.

Mm...

Yeah, that'll do it.

Italian accent: Hello, lady.

My friend, he say you looking the man with the muscle.

Yes, I am. Do you know someone?

Ah!

He's me.

Really?

I'm a wise-a guy. I'm-a from Sicily.

My family, they're...

(He begins to choke)

They are...

Sorry, could you just...?

(Toothpick rattles on table)

(He takes a deep breath)

I'm Maria.

Woody.

Not very Sicilian.

Is-a short-a for Gino.

Really? Which part of Sicily are you from?

Little village, you wouldn't know it.

Try me.

Ginelli.

You're Gino from Ginelli?

Si...

My great grandfather, he invented the ice cream.

But enough about him. Let's talk about me.

I am here, I am the muscle and I can-a do-a your job.

OK, Gino, the job's yours.

Magnifico.

I need you to deliver an antique to one of the islands.

Here are tickets for the ferry.

You'll be met at the port.

Come straight back on the return trip.

And then, of course... the dinner.

Why not, you can come to mine.

I know a lovely recipe for toothpicks.

(Deep laugh)

You're like-a me.

A bella with a sense of humour.

Except I am not a bella, I am a fella.

One hell of a fella.

Can you not feel something passing between us?

A urn?

Yes.

Please have a bit of respect.

Don't worry. Is-a safe-a with me.

In Sicily, we have a saying.

"You earn the respect or you learn you earn a turn... in the urn."

It sounds better in Italian.

This job's important to me, Gino. Don't muck it up.

You can rely on me.

As-a my great-a grandfather once said,

"One scoop or two?"

He's not really Vantia, but he was a wise-a man.

Zorro, where's my Bloody Mary?

Just looking for some celery.

And where are my sausages? Lorenza?

Gruffly: Si!

Blimey, how do you do that?

Lorenza, have you cook-ed my sausages?

(She cackles)

She says they be ready in five minutes.

Another close call for Employee Of The Month(!)

But I think we have a winner.

Yum, yum.

All right, Bev? Usual?

Yes, please, Brutus.

Brutus.

Screaming: Brutus!

No, no, Brutus is dead.

I'm his cousin... of someone else.

You monster!

Beverly, calm down, let me explain!

'Let me explain. This is my ex-wife, Beverly. Long story short, we got divorced, I faked my own death, ran off with her dough and started a new life out here. I'd tell you more, but I'm a bit busy with a customer right now.'

You little snake!

I knew you were too vain to top yourself.

I'm going to k*ll you.

I can explain.

OK.

What?

Go on, then!

Ah, weren't expecting you to let me. I can't really explain.

No, I'm just lucky that I never loved you.

It's going to make it all the sweeter when I take you for everything you've got.

Listen, Beverly, whatever we were or whatever we weren't, we were definitely in love.

Yes, it was intense.

Yes, it was torrid.

It was argumentative. YOU were argumentative.

You were argumentative.

YOU were argumentative. It was torrid.

You said that already.

Yes, cos it weren't half torrid, I still can't straighten me left knee.

Well, that was your fault for not warming up properly.

It's no-one's fault, whatever went wrong or whatever happened between us.

It was love.

You finished?

Mm-hm.

I'm still having the bar.

I was hoping you'd forgot about that when I was doing my bit about the love.

I'm going to call my lawyer, THEN I am coming back for the keys.

Ooooh!

Bar Beverly!

No, I've got it...

Bar...

FOR SALE!

It's times like these I wish I'd taken the coward's way out... and stayed married to ya.

It's my ex-wife.

'Out on the open sea. It's days like these I realise I've got the best job in the world. There really is no better place on the planet to be an urn delivery man. There's always one idiot who spoils it. To be fair, it's usually me.'

Hey!

What do the police want?

They said they have information that someone on the boat is smuggling dr*gs.

Oh, right.

(He gulps)

Disculpe, senor.

Oh, thank goodness you're here, officers. They went that way.

Who did?

You know, the men.

Men?

The nasty men. They tried to give dr*gs to my baby.

Which way did they go?

They went that way.

No wait, that way.

Right to the other end of the boat. My baby!

Hold your breath, Junior.

Music: "How You Like Me Now?" by "The Heavy"

♪ How you like me now? ♪
♪ How you like me now? ♪
♪ How you like me now? ♪
♪ How you like me now? ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, I said ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

So how'd it go?

Fine.

Right up until the point I had to jump off the ferry to be rescued by a hen party on a giant banana.

Sounds pretty good.

Yeah, it was pretty good.

You look like you could do with a Jaeger-tini. Dive in.

Here you go, my son.

Get your laughing gear around that.

Not for breakfast, thanks.

Oh, well. Your loss. So what happened?

Mrs Priceless Antique sent me out to sea with this.

Wow! This is GOOD stuff.

None of that Spanish rubbish.

What are you doing?

It's talcum powder.

No Yardley Gentleman, but it does the job.

Hang on, what's going on?

I ask myself that every ten minutes.

She must've been using me to test a possible drug route.

Clever.

Pretty, too.

I actually meant you, Woody.

So did I.

Come on, B, we need to track her down.

Sorry, son. No can do.

Got me own trouble and strife to deal with.

My ex-missus has just found me.

I didn't know you got married or divorced.

Congratulations and congratulations.

Met her after I left the paper.

When we got divorced, she tried to take me for everything I got.

So you got a good lawyer.

So I faked my own death.

That was my next guess.

I left a su1c1de note, done a bunk over here.

Of course, what could possibly go wrong?

She walked into the bar a couple of hours ago.

Apart from that.

She's going to take me for everything I have got.

Relax!

It's obvious what you need to do.

What?

You need to fake your own death.

Hello, have you been listening?

You need to do it again, but this time, you need to do it properly.

She needs to see you drop dead right in front of her.

She would love that.

'While Brutus devised his demise,

'I had to solve a problem like Maria.

'My only link to her was an urn,

'so I planned to visit the local funeral home.

'But first I thought I could do with some help.'

No, of course not.

Come on, Melody. One grifter to another?

One grifter to a former grifter, now wife of a disgraced billionaire septuagenarian with an annoyingly innate ability to not let on where his money's stashed.

Like it, much snappier.

There is nothing in this whole world that you could say that's going to make me get off this overly cushioned luxury sofa on this 120-foot super yacht.

OK.

You asked for it.

You spend every day of your life sitting here, playing the long game, hoping your pension-poacher husband might finally let slip where he's hiding all his dirty, filthy money.

And it's driving you crazy.

What you need is a distraction. A plaything.

Something to waste a bit of time. And guess what?

I'm that distraction. I'm that plaything.

I'm that waste of time in your otherwise joyless existence.

Well, that was surprisingly astute for an idiot.

Thank you. And how dare you!

So you're in?

I'm in.

Great. It's a date.

It is not a date.

OK, so let's call it a not-date. But you're in?

I'm in.

Great. It's a date.

First of all, can I offer my deepest condolences, Mr and Mrs...?

Heavy accent: Tickler, Bud Tickler.

And this is my beautiful wife.

Nicola. Nicola Tickler.

Well, can I say how sorry I am for your loss?

And how are you related to the deceased?

He was our...

Together: .. daddy.

Grandpa.

My daddy... my wife's grandpa.

Our family tree looks like it was hit by a lorry.

It's like we've lost two members of the family.

Well, it is a difficult time, but rest assured that we're here to make things easier for you.

We have some terrific coffins.

Thank you. We appreciate it. Mr...?

Spencer, but please call me Colin.

You are the Spencer of Spencer & Spencer?

Actually, I'm the "and Spencer" of Spencer & Spencer.

My brother was the Spencer of Spencer & Spencer, but recently he passed away.

Oh, I'm sorry for your loss.

Oh, thank you. And I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you, and I'm sorry for...

Yes, we know.

So it must be difficult running a business on your own.

Well, actually, my brother left his side of the business to his daughter.

Oh, well, that must be a comfort.

Not so much.

I'd like to meet her.

You know, if she's to be involved in Daddy Grandpa's funeral.

Well... at some point, maybe... but now let's talk coffins.

Let's talk urns.

Well, what we'd like to do here, Mr Tickler, is to talk through the coffin options first.

They really are lovely.

And then move on to the urn options.

Or... we could start with the urn options and then move on to the coffin options.

OK, we'll do that.

But let's just have a quick look at the coffin options.

(Loud thud)

Oh, my, that's a lot of options.

(Becoming emotional): It's just too much.

I just need a moment. (He sniffs)

Do carry on.

Nicola knows his wishes.

Wailing: I love you, Daddy Grandpa!

Have you thought about getting him some professional help?

Yes.

So have you got anything in walnut?

Oh, have I!

Sh!

Keep a lookout.

Bingo.

You know what?

I've missed this.

So... what now?

Got it. We get drunk and go to the cinema.

No, you're right, we'll do that tomorrow.

For now, I wouldn't mind having a word with this niece of Colin's.

All right, so we sit tight and wait for the niece to show.

Stakeout, yay.

Don was off getting his blood changed or something, so we got plenty of time.

Time. What's the time?

Why?

I've got to get back to the bar to pronounce Brutus dead.

You what?

I'm late.

You stay here. Stakeout, yay.

You are kidding me.

I'm here, I'm here.

About time. Right, let's do this.

Zorro, are you sure Lorenza knows the plan?

(He whispers in Spanish)

(She growls)

She understands.

Right.

Here's how it's going to go down.

'I'm meeting Beverly at Tipples. I'll get her an apple martini... soften her up with some stories of the good old days... Lorenza, you come strolling by with a nice, fat-looking handbag under your arm like you ain't got a care in the world. Woody, you're disguised as a doctor on holiday. Keep it simple, nothing fancy. Zorro, you leap out of the bushes, grab Lorenza's handbag, have a bit of a grapple, and that'll be my cue. I'm going to play the hero and get stuck in with Zorro. Your job, Zorro, is to lay me out. Don't worry, I can take a punch - I was married to Bev. I'll make out I'm having a coronary. Then, Woodster, it's over to you. Your job is to pronounce me brown bread. And don't forget your opening line.'

Let me through, I'm a doctor.

Let me through, I'm a better doctor.

I've got this one. Stay with me.

I want you to take some slow breaths.

Stand aside!

My name is Dr Swami Wami and I am a doctor.

I think we're losing him.

Step aside, let him get some air.

He has no more need of air.

No, give him some air!

You people, don't gawp at a man who's clearly dying.

Are you sick in your heads?

He's not dying. I've got a pulse.

It's a little bit erratic.

He's not well, but he's going to make it.

Leave it!

You've tried your best. He's dead.

Don't blame yourself.

He's fine.

Such a waste.

He had two or three good months left in him.

Curses.

We'll get you to a hospital, don't you worry.

Oh, my goodness! She's also having heart att*ck!

Que...? Oh, oh, oh...

Medico, medico!

Other doctor, deal with her.

Stay with him.

I shall keep him company on the journey to the realm of his ancestors.

Where does it hurt?

He's carked it.

(Crowd gasps)

'Then I had what can only be described as an idea.

'If we held a service for Brutus,

'we could send him to the grave in front of his ex-wife,

'and I could do some more digging at the funeral home.

'Ya dig?'

Thanks for coming back to help.

Never duck out on a con.

It's just, you know, after...

You jilted me.

Not a problem, forget about it.

I have. Forgotten about it.

You jilting me.

Well, that's good.

Oh, Brutus, my little butter biscuit!

(She sobs then inhales)

Oh, Bru, I'll always love you... you git.

(She sighs)

(Brutus exhales loudly)

Did you just hear something?

Yes!

Apologies.

Grief plays havoc with my lower intestines.

Please, take your seat.

It's what he'd have wanted.

(He wails)

(You OK, B?)

I'm dying here. Keep a lookout for a sec.

(Mobile phone vibrates)

Ooh!

You probably want to switch that off.

You're having a laugh! Took me a month to learn how to switch it on.

OK. Play dead for a few more minutes, I'm going for a snoop.

Excuse me, I've been informed by Nicola Tickler that her husband, Bud Tickler, would like to say a few words about his deceased father.

Oh!

Thanks, Nicola. Thanks a bunch.

To be honest, I didn't think for a second I'd be standing here in front of you all, talking about my... dead father Brutus.

Now, some of you might be thinking,

"I didn't know Brutus had a South African son."

And up until recently, neither did he.

You see, Brutus left my mother when I was just a baby.

My mother went insane and married a rhinoceros.

Over time, I learned to forgive Brutus, and in the few weeks I knew him, I learned he was a man with a big heart and an enormous liver.

Seriously, it would sort of push out the bottom of his ribcage, like a shoplifter stealing a frozen chicken.

And he had this weird smell.

(Mobile phone rings)

Excuse me, I have to take this.

(What?)

(I was kidding.)

(Don't be like that.)

(Honestly, you barely notice it.)

(Especially when you do that thing when you suck your belly in. What?)

(Good idea.)

(OK. Bye... bye.)

Another thing I learned...

Dad was skint.

He d*ed absolutely penniless.

Because that beautiful... lumpy... stinking man in there gave everything he had to charity... including his bar.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm... a bit emotional.

I do know that his last wish was that we all join together and sing the song that he thought best summed him up.

He sings: Come on, Eileen!

Everybody!

♪ Oh, I swear what he means... ♪

(They slowly begin to sing)

♪ Rap-dap-be-dap-be-dap be-dap-be-dap ♪
♪ Dap-dap-be-dap-be-dap be-dap-be-dap ♪
♪ Dap-dap-be-dap-be-dap... ♪

Hello, lady. Fancy meeting you here.

Well, if it isn't the incredible vanishing man(!)

You seem to have lost the accent.

It must've fallen out my pocket when I jumped off that ferry.

Small talk, small talk, where's my money?

You didn't finish the job. Where's my urn?

You mean the urn full of ashes that weren't ashes, that were actually dr*gs that weren't dr*gs, but were actually talcum powder? That urn?

You talk too much.

It's a problem.

I think it's caused by me talking too much.

Oh, by the way, nice idea with the talcum powder.

You knew there were cops on that ferry looking for dr*gs.

No point wasting the good stuff on a set-up.

Close.

I suspected they'd be there, but I didn't know... until now.

You didn't tip them off?

I'm not the rat in my family.

Uncle Colin, of course.

Trying to scare me onto the straight and narrow, bless him.

You thought he'd set you up, so...

To be sure, I set you up with one of these.

But you disappeared.

Well, isn't it time you vanished again?

And this time, you can take Brutus with you.

That all right with you, Brutus?

(Mobile phone rings)

What the...?

Brutus, thank God!

Shut up, Woody! Listen to me.

No, you shut up. You've got to help me.

No, shut up, Woody.

No, you shut up.

No, you shut up.

No, you shut up.

No, you shut up.

Right, let's both shut up.

Better. Now, where are you?

Brutus?

Now, he wants me to talk!

Where are you?

I'm in a coffin, somewhere in the funeral parlour.

Maria must've hit me. Where are you?

I'm in a coffin.

I know you're in a coffin.

Get out of your coffin and come and get me out of this coffin. And hurry!

Don't you think I'd get out of my coffin, then come and get you out of your coffin if I could get out of my coffin?

What do you take me for?

(Coffin creaks)

Whoa, what was that?

Someone moved my coffin.

Brutus, get me out of here!

'Please hold the line.'

Brutus. You there?

'Please hold the line, please hold the line.'

Help!

Colin: 'Who's there?'

I'm in this coffin.

I can hear something.

I can hear flames.

'That'll be the furnace.'

What do you mean the furnace?

Can you turn it off?

'Yes, on the main console to the left... there's a red button - press it.'

I can't press it! I'm in a coffin.

Help me.

Where are you?

I'm in a coffin.

'Ahh!'

I can't be sure, but I think it's the chestnut deluxe.

Woody? Sorry about that.

Brutus, thank God.

Who designs these phones?

Not now.

I've just put you on hold with me cheek.

Not now!

I can feel the heat.

For God's sake get me out of here.

Woody, is that you?

Melody, thank God! Get me out of this coffin.

Oh, is that the time?

I've got to go. Furnace, yay!

Melody.

Melody!

(Wood creaks)

Hope you don't mind, I brought a friend to your barbecue.

I had the situation perfectly under control.

Uh, thank you?

No need to thank me.

Thank you!

Better.

What about Maria?

Taken care of.

I think I've put it on silent now, can you help?

Ruined!

The chestnut deluxe!

Three coffins.

I'll have to burn them.

Mind if I get out first?

Nice pad, what'd it set you back?

It's... complicated.

I don't doubt it. How's your bonce?

I feel a bit like how you must feel every morning.

Rule number one, never turn your back on a woman holding her urn!

Relationship advice coming from you, that's rich.

So your wife thinks you're dead again?

Yeah, I reckon.

Got to lay low for a couple of weeks till she's back in Blighty.

(Doorbell rings)

You expecting someone?

Mm.

Ted!

Todd.

Whatever.

I'm glad you're here. You need to leave immediately.

We're about to fumigate.

Yeah, I've had you checked out.

You're not a vermin exterminator. I've called the police.

Bad move, laddie. You better come in.

I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.

What I'm about to tell you gives you level three clearance.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Agent Peter Smiley and this is my colleague, Special Agent...

Walker. Johnny Walker.

We're deep undercover on direct orders of Queen Elizabeth herself.

Her Majesty was recently the victim of a robbery, and we believe the stolen goods have found their way here.

Blimey!

Blimey ain't the half of it.

I suggest you get on to your police friends ASAP and tell them it's a false alarm.

Unless, of course, you want the Queen on your back.

You don't.

She's surprisingly heavy.

But...

Then you come back here and we will discuss full reimbursement.

Maybe even a knighthood.

Chop, chop, Todd. Or should I say... Sir Todd?

What should I tell head office, because...?

We need to get out of here.

Ha!

Don't tell me, you'll be wanting to stay in my fish shed nightmare thing again.

All right, I won't, but I do, so I guess I just did.

Say, "Please."

Please.

One last spin in the Jacuzzi?

I thought you'd never ask!

I love this place!

I love the hypnotists' convention, it is my favourite time of the year.

Relax. You've got the wrong man.

Please leave me alone.

You, sir, sleep. You, madame, wake up.

The show has started!

You won't get away with this, you lowlife scum!

I'm coming back and I'm going to sh**t you dead!

You've got a problem.

Oh, I've got a problem!

I've got a problem.

He's got a problem.

You do have a problem.

Argh! It's Donald.

I want the loo and I need a hand.

Music: "Why Did You Do It?" by "Stretch"

♪ I've been thinking 'bout what you have done to me ♪
♪ Damage is much deeper than you'll ever see ♪
♪ Hit me like a hammer to my head ♪
♪ I wonder, were you pushed or were you led? ♪
♪ Why did you do it? ♪
♪ Why did you do that thing to me? ♪