01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

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I remember that day very clearly.

I was sitting right where you are sitting today.

I was ready to knock down the door, to kick some righteous ass.

[Laughter]

Just like you.

I just knew I was the smartest, the fastest, the best this institution had to offer.

And then...

And then I stepped into the real world.

[Soul music]

♪

We are here today to honor the 50 newest agents of the federal bureau of investigation.

I'm talking to you, ladies and gentlemen, because inside these walls, you all are the best of the best.

But I just want to take just a moment to think about what's going to happen outside these walls.

You all are walking off one b*ttlefield in here and onto another b*ttlefield out there.

The difference being, the b*ttlefield out there is real, and the dangers are real.

[Soul music continues]

[Music stops]

Ÿcomo estan, amigos?

[Speaking Spanish]

[Speaking spanish] Ah, sputnik.

Everything you've acquired of value in your short time on this earth, everything you are worth is locked inside of you, and that means, at this moment, you find yourself in the unique position you may never be in again: You have nothing to lose.

Let's cook it up!

I'll leave you with this: Whatever you think success means, I hope you'll stay open to the possibility that you've got it all wrong...

That you have absolutely no idea what life has got in store for you.

You will make mistakes. You are not perfect.

Esta LA buena.

You will fail.

And when the day comes and you figure it out, I hope you'll have the brains, the guts, and the straight up good luck to survive it.

Nyet!

[Overlapping yelling]

[Coughs]

[Men yelling]

[Tires screeching]

Congratulations.

You are now agents of the federal bureau of investigation.

[Cheers and applause]

Do me proud.

[Cheers and applause, chatter]

[Cheers and applause]

[Knocking] Hey, yo, Briggs!

Hey.

Come on, time to get up, man. We got 5' sets comin' in.

Get out, Johnny. I have a g*n.

[Scoffs] Yeah? So do I. Come on, let's go.

Come on, man. Now, is that cool?

You told me no matter what you said or how ugly you got not to let you sleep in, right?

I'd been awake 32 hours when I said that.

So what? No, if I let you nod off, you're just gonna yell at me 'cause I didn't do what you said. Let's go. [Knocking]

Dang it, man.

[Knocking at door]

No.

God, I'm sorry, Paul. Were you sleeping?

Should I come back later? [Sighs]

You know, boss, that would be swell.

No. No, no.

It's time to rise and shine.

Lauren! Tuturro!

What a d*ck.

What?

Yo.

Need you to get Donnie's stuff out of his room.

Donnie's not dead.

For what?

I didn't say he was dead. I said his stuff was in the way.

We got a new agent coming in.

You got two hours. What?

Hell, no. That's Donnie's room.

You're not replacing Donnie, and I'm going back to bed, so you guys... No, you're not.

He's your new trainee. Name's Mike Warren.

Graduated top of his class at Quantico.

So did Briggs, and he can't even match his socks.

These aren't my socks.

1700 on his practicals?

Yeah, your record still stands.

Lauren, where are you going?

Don't worry about it.

What, he's got a 1700?

Is he, like, a savant, or something?

Uh, boss, does anybody happen to notice the kid doesn't speak Spanish? Yeah.

They're putting him through linguistics training now.

Lauren!

[Speaking Spanish]

He runs a 440 mile. I was doing that in the fifth grade.

Yeah, but you're a stud, Johnny.

True.

His plane lands at 0800.

Briggs, be there to pick him up.

Okay.

0800.

Yes, sir.

Johnny, need you to go to the airport.

Nah, man, no. It's my day off.

I don't want to spend all morning in some terminal.

And there's no picture, so I'm... Yeah, well, you know, make a sign or something.

He's an undercover. You can't make a sign.

Can I?

I'm going surfing.

How am I supposed to find this guy?

I don't know. Be a problem-solver, Johnny.

Be mexcellent. [Chuckles]

And scramble me some eggs, por favor?

What a d*ck.

"LA comida esta muy buena."

Oh, [Speaking Spanish]

Oh. [Laughs] I'm sorry. I don't speak Spanish.

Oh. You said you like the food.

Yeah, it's... ah, you're learning Espanol.

Si. [Both laugh]

It's a job requirement. I thought I was going to D.C., and then, last minute, I'm... well, I'm headed to California.

Oh, what do you do?

I'm a teacher.

Really?

Yeah.

So's my brother.

Yeah?

What school?

It's... it's a new one.

Oh.

Yeah, it's brand-new.

It... It doesn't have a name yet. Oh.

Yeah.

Excuse me, sir?

Are you special agent Mike Warren with the FBI?

Yeah.

This message was patched to you through the cockpit phone: "Agent Warren, wait under the baggage claim sign "in terminal 'C' for your field training agent to arrive.

Do not leave the baggage area under any circumstances."

Thank you.

Uh manos arriba.

[Chuckles] Excuse me?

It means, "hands up."

It's probably not on your lessons.

Passengers arriving on flight 26 from Dulles, Virginia, your luggage will be available on baggage claim C.

Excuse me.

[Folksy tune]

♪

This is the final boarding call for all passengers on flight number 122.

♪

[P.A. in background]

♪

[Chuckles]

Mike Warren, right?

Yeah.

You wanna know how I knew that?

Uh, 'cause I was told to wait underneath this sign and I am?

No, because only a guy who got a 1700 on his practicals and was told to wait under a sign is still gonna be waiting there two hours later.

Where's agent Briggs?

Who says I ain't Briggs?

Well, you just said "1700" like you were impressed.

Paul Briggs got a higher score than I did, so from that, I would conclude that... You didn't.

[Both laugh]

I'm tuturro. Everybody calls me Johnny.

Dude, what's with the hand thing?

Oh, it improves g*n control.

Okay, yeah.

[Spanish pop music]

♪

[Snippets of Spanish radio]

Hey, what are you listening to?

Oh, it's Spanish, for the language requirement.

[Chuckles] It's a bitch, right? How you getting it?

[Speaking Spanish]

[Chuckles] That's good.

Dude, this place is a melting pot.

Hey, ladies.

[Speaking korean]

[Both laugh] No? No?

[Laughs] What did you say to them?

I said, no matter what they say, I'm gonna hold it against them. [Both laugh]

But you surf? No.

You got shorts?

No.

Flips?

No. What?

Sunscreen?

No.

God, your white ass is gonna burn.

All right, you gotta go shopping, okay?

Okay.

All right.

Mike? Mike!

Do the people around here know?

What, that we're feds?

Yeah.

No. No, we tell 'em different things.

Briggs tells people he's a Tae Bo instructor.

Charlie says she's a trust fund kid.

Yo, one chick I'm dating thinks I'm a lear jet pilot.

She believes that?

Yeah, she... dude, you see this? Lear jet key.

Looks like a bike lock.

You are smarter than the chick I'm dating.

[Both laugh] Tell me about Briggs.

He's the best agent I ever seen.

That's what I hear, man.

This is it. Not bad, huh? [Chuckles]

Hey, why do they call it "Graceland"?

When they seized it from this drug lord, he was apparently some hard-core Elvis fan, and when they turned it into a flop house for us, the name just kinda stuck.

Hey, be glad you're not moving in a lot of stuff, bro.

[Chuckles]

All right, so you, me, Briggs, and Charlie are FBI.

Lauren and Donnie are DEA. So is Paige, but she's on a case for a couple days.

Oh, and Jakes. Jakes is customs.

It works, having three agencies in one house?

We all start to blend together after a while.

Oh, if you have civilians over, they stay down here, okay?

Nobody's allowed past those stairs without a badge.

So no local girls upstairs. I know... I know it sucks.

Yo, you know what this is?

Looks like a chore wheel.

You are smart. We all take turns cleaning.

Dishes, toilets, all that.

For now, wherever it says "Donnie," you write in your name.

Donnie's the DEA guy who...

Got sh*t?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is he all right?

He's alive.

That's about all we know right now.

They got him locked away in some safe house, so... but good news is he doesn't have to clean the bathrooms tomorrow.

So mop's in the hall closet, brother.

Come on, Mikey.

[Phone ringing] Okay, dude. This?

This is the phone room.

This is where you'll make all your UC calls.

Do not... Out!

[Phone ringing]

[Russian accent] Hello? That's Lauren.

Donnie was her partner.

That sucks.

[Speaking Russian]

Donnie was under the Gallardo cartel out of Tijuana.

He was doing a needle drop.

What's that?

Well, they expect him to test the quality of the heroin by sh**ting up. Right.

So he pretends to inject himself.

But what he's really doing is sticking the needle in a little rubber ball he's got tucked into his arm.

Ball popped out, they sh*t him.

Damn.

Yeah. Be that way sometimes.

Hey, Briggs! I got your new guy out here.

[Bang on door]

Yeah, um...

You'll meet him later. Let's check out your room.

Pretty dope, right? Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey. Mike Warren. New guy.

This is my partner's room.

Don't touch anything. Don't get comfortable.

Okay.

You play tennis. [Cocks g*n]

Yes.

Yo, don't worry about her. For real.

But maybe don't move a lot of Donnie's stuff at first.

Yo, find me later. We'll grab something to eat.

Thanks, Johnny.

[Bird cawing]

No, no, man. It's a golden conure.

I know that.

Every white couple in the valley, man, they pay you 2,000!

All right, I'ma give you 200 for them, final price.

No, man. We cool, man, yeah?

250. All right, you have a deal.

But all of the birds, they better talk.

And that's that. Just like my wife.

So she talk and talk.

And talk and talk.

Your wife can't shut up.

No, she can't.

You know this, man. I have to live with her.

You know her.

Okay?

Respect.

Respect, yes.

Gonna get a new home, huh?

You too. I don't like you.

How you doing, sweetheart?

Hi.

Feel free to grab some more juice, dude.

Thanks.

Take all you want, it's yours.

What's all this?

Yo, Jakes.

Mike Warren, bureau. He's taking Donnie's room.

You work customs.

You work customs.

Johnny told me that you were working on a bird smuggling operation.

I didn't realize that was such a problem here on the west coast. It is.

Half a million birds a year. Wow!

Yeah, you also gotta watch out for the bird flu, right, Jakes?

Yeah, a virus can take down a whole city.

That's my juice, man.

Excuse me?

Do you see a "D" and "J" on it?

Oh.

D.J. I thought it was an "O."

I thought someone labeled it O.J.

O.J.

Yeah.

The guy who k*lled the white woman.

No, I didn't...

Dale Jakes.

D.J. Just like this D.J.

You check the milk, guess what you gonna find.

D.J.?

Yep, just like everything else on that top shelf.

Sorry.

Do I look like your frat buddy?

Nope.

Am I one of your college pals?

It won't happen again.

It looked like an "O" to me, man.

I don't know why he's messing with...[Mutters].

Your new boy ate my cereal.

Mm.

What's up? What's up, man?

You must be Warren.

Yes, sir.

You're agent Briggs. Mmhmm.

Ha ha!

I'm honored to be training with you, sir.

Excellent.

Oh, I'm ready to begin.

Now?

Oh, yes, sir.

Good attitude, Warren.

Um, you familiar with the chore wheel?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

To get you started, wherever it says "Briggs"

I want you to substitute Mike.

It'll help you with the whole undercover name association thing.

So tonight, where it says "dishes, Briggs"

I want you to think...

Both: "Dishes, Mike."

1700 on your practicals.

Yeah.

Think of it as a whole wax on, wax off sort of thing.

Now if you gentlemen will excuse me, I'm off in pursuit of the perfect bottle of rum.

Bingo.

That's Paul Briggs?

That's Briggs.

[Man coughing]

[Baby crying]

Yo!

What?

Get up!

You wanna watch him? Mmmm.

He's your kid.

I'll watch him.

You want some?

Nah. Gotta make rent, man.

[Baby crying]

FBI. I wanna see your hands.

You the new guy?

What?

No g*ns downstairs.

I'm taking back my 20.

There's no g*ns downstairs.

Who's that?

That's Charlie.

Some damn good g*n control you got there, bro.

Did I scare you?

No. Why? Did I scare you?

No.

Where's your stuff?

Lauren suggested I don't unpack, so...

I see.

You know, I didn't even get a key.

Well...

Donnie keeps a spare.

Thank you.

Hey, uh, tell Lauren about that...

I will sh**t you. Yes, ma'am.

Bye.

Bye.

[Phone ringing]

[Sighs, groans]

Who's this? Who do you think it is?

Hey, darling. They took all my cells.

I don't have any caller I.D.

They got you back in the stone age.

How's the new place?

It's a safe house.

It's safe, boring as hell.

Got a g*n and a badge and no place to go.

Nurse once a day for the g*nshots.

She hot?

Yeah, tall and nordic.

Do an hour of pt a day, then back to being bored.

The Russians still want me dead?

Uh, they're on radio silence, but you gotta figure.

Mexicans want you dead too.

Yeah.

So you give away my room yet?

It's not a done deal.

What!

They gave away my room?

Okay, there's this new bureau guy in, but... man, that's cold. [Scoffs]

Not like I'm dead.

I told him not to touch your stuff.

It's not Graceland without you.

Get strong. Yeah.

I never let that damn ball drop, Lauren, you know?

I know.

Hey, Warren! Get up.

[Off-notes twang]

[Sighs]

Yo, Briggs!

You were supposed to wake me up, sucka!

[Cackling]

[Pop music]

♪

All right, Mikey.

It's a South swell with a 5-foot face.

It breaks left, so steer clear of the pier or you're gonna get slammed.

Right, South swell, don't get slammed on the pier.

Uh, why is it important we do this?

Because when you catch that ride, better than sex. True.

[Laughing]

This is about learning how to control your energy, okay?

Understanding your body's connection to the things around it. Better than sex?

Not in my world.

Sometimes.

[Laughing]

All right. Let's hit it, Poseidon.

[Pop music]

♪

Any advice?

Yeah, when you feel that swell coming up under you, get on that board and surf.

[Laughing, murmurs]

♪

Ha. Come on, boy.

Come on, boy, drop it.

Hey, I just... I just bought that.

Hey. [Dog growls]

I'm not in the mood for... mood for this.

Oh!

Enjoying yourself?

No, I'm not.

[Sighs] Look at him.

You know, at Quantico, they talk about him like he's some sort of God.

I mean, a ga award and a director's award before he's 30?

I mean, he had more stats in his first year than his whole squad combined.

So you were expecting somebody a little more button-down, suit and tie-ish?

Yeah, something like that.

He was like that once.

Yeah. [Scoffs]

A few years ago, something went down.

He took a leave of absence, came back all zenned out like that.

You don't know what happened?

Nope.

He never talks about it. You're not curious?

Maybe he's just crazy.

Totalmente loco, si.

Oh, your Spanish is coming along.

Ah, you like that?

It's all right.

The house is a tight fit.

You're gonna find out real fast there are no secrets at Graceland.

Except for Briggs.

Yeah, except for Briggs.

That wave's about to get its ass kicked.

k*ll it, Mike.

[Mellow pop music]

♪

You almost got up. That's a hell of a start.

I've never felt anything like that before.

I could literally feel the wave right through my board.

Briggs!

Yo.

You got a message from a guy named Felix Arroyo.

You checking my messages now?

He wants to make a buy this morning.

Yeah, uh, he's off our active list, Lauren.

Seriously, are you checking my messages now?

I know his 202. He works for Vzakonye.

Works for... he probably does their gardening, bro.

He works for Vzakonye.

He was a low-level dealer, Lauren.

We tapped him, he dropped a few Russian names.

That's it. You know that.

Come on, Briggs. They sh*t Donnie.

Felix didn't.

Anything I can get on these guys...

[Sighs]

Go like this.

Yeah, yeah.

That's more like it.

You're lucky you have those eyes.

Mike. Yeah?

How'd you like to do a reverse this morning?

Do what?

He wants to buy 8 yards of indoor.

Indoor. What's indoor?

Uh, "indoor carpet" is Felix's code word for cocaine.

Yard's a key. Call in to ops?

No, no, Johnny.

It's better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.

You know that. [Laughs]

[Phone ringing]

Yo!

Felix, it's Paul.

Got your message, man. What's up?

Hey, Paul. que pasa?

Nada mucho. que tal?

Thought he was Russian.

No, he's Mexican. He just works for them.

His wife's Russian.

Dude, I told you. Melting pot, right?

Can you... can you hook me up with 8 yards of the indoor?

20 a yard? No can do, compadre.

Come on, man.

You said you could hook me up anytime I needed it.

I got people counting on me.

Man.

Yeah. Yeah, I got somebody who can bring it by.

Your amigo is mi amigo.

All right.

Your casa, two hours. Orale!

I'll see him then.

Surf's up.

Where we setting up?

The techs found us this vacant a block away from Felix's.

Cool.

Yeah, should be good.

All right, agent Warren.

Yeah?

This is gonna be a simple reverse, okay?

You're gonna walk in, you're gonna make the deal, you're gonna give us the bust signal.

Okay, what's my name?

Uh, your name is Mike.

Yeah?

Go with Mike.

[Laughter] Right.

A last name?

Don't give him a last name, Mike.

"No... Last..."

Hey, why-why... why did you do that?

Because you can't take a crib sheet with you, okay?

Look, just keep it simple.

See, bad guys don't tend to ask a lotta questions because they don't want you asking a lotta questions.

You feel me?

How do you and I know each other if he asks?

If he asks, just say "around."

We can make it a little interesting.

Put him in the movie. No, man!

Why not?

That contradicts everything I just said, John.

So what?

Um, what movie?

It's nothing.

I'll tell it!

No.

[Scoffs] All right, look.

The Colima, right... these guys are hard-core.

Type of dudes that'll sh**t you just to make sure that the g*n works.

Yeah.

In the middle of this sting, I get some stupid award.

Dude, top seizure agent of the year award.

CNN, in their infinite wisdom, they send a camera crew.

So for about a week, I've got my face plastered all over the TV.

Not good.

Not good at all.

Now, we're meeting with some of the top guys in the family.

This right here, my friends, is the best booger sugar in cali.

Find none better.

[Speaking Spanish]

I know you.

Yeah. Yeah, we both know Richie.

Tall guy, cockeyed.

They know they've seen my face, but they can't place it.

Now they're getting spooked.

The TV.

Tell 'em what you said, Briggs.

Just tell 'em.

Hmm?

[Sigh] Yeah.

Yeah, it's true. You got me.

I don't brag about it, but I'm an actor.

Sometimes I play a cop in the movies.

They believed that?

Hell, no! No.

So now we got g*n barrels jammed under our chins, right?

And I just start talking out of my ass.

I'm sure you've seen the trailer.

It's a movie about cops who are undercover as hookers.

Bullsh...

No, no, no. Hey, straight up, man.

The dude is famous.

Look, you know, I play a cop who goes under as a male hooker named shasta.

A hooker?

Yeah, yeah, and how the woman I marry turns out that her sister is a real hooker.

Your wife's sister is a prost*tute.

Yeah. Never said it was good movie.

You know, her pimp calls her... calls her lowrider because, you know, you pull the strings on her panties, her ass starts like bouncing up and down like it's on hydraulics, you know?

The movie ends with nine hookers hauling ass down sunset boulevard in full heels.

You know, it's called sunset bust.

So Briggs did the craziest thing.

They're not buying any of this, dude.

Like none of it. Tell him what you did.

May I show you something?

[Speaking Spanish]

Easy.

Well, basically, I know we're screwed if they search us, so I pull out my badge and toss it on the bed.

Prop from the movie.

[Laughing]

And?

And they're looking at it, you know, real close.

Right.

[Laughing]

[Speaking spanish] [Laughter]

It looks like something that came out of cr*cker Jacks box.

Yeah!

It's a low-budget film.

Yeah, right.

To this day, one of those guys still has an autographed picture of Briggs hanging in his cell. [Laughing]

Wait, wait, wait. They went through with the buy?

Yeah, they made the buy.

We nailed 'em all.

Hey, guys. I gotta be in this movie.

You sure you're ready, son?

Come on, man.

Yeah.

Okay.

If Felix asks, you tell him that, uh, you play my brother-in-law.

But it ain't gonna matter, 'cause he ain't gonna ask.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So I'm married to the prost*tute?

Ha! Yes!

Yes, you're married to, uh...

Lowrider.

To lowrider.

Hydraulics.

[Laughing]

Ha. I hope he does ask now.

Yeah, me too.

All right, Escobar. I need you to put this on.

Is this plugged in?

Transmits everything to us.

Ooh! No wires?

Not since The Wire.

Okay, gimme a level.

[Heightened] It's a pleasure doing business with you.

We're not trying to play to the balcony.

Just talk normal.

[Relaxed] Pleasure doing business with you.

I assume that's our bust line.

Yeah.

Start hiring writers.

So I'm in the middle of breakfast this morning, and I get a call from FBI ops asking why they haven't been informed that we're running a reverse on a Vzakonye dealer.

Imagine my surprise since I didn't know we had a Vzakonye dealer.

We don't. Pulled him off the list a month ago.

And we're doing this why?

That would be Lauren's idea.

[Scoffs]

Mike Warren, Gerry Silvo. I'm your gs.

Oh, it's a pleasure, sir.

Let me know how long that lasts.

It's almost noon.

Briggs taught you everything he knows yet?

Yes, sir. Wax on, wax off.

I assume that's an in-joke. I don't like in-jokes.

Understood, sir.

Felix Arroyo.

He's got a family, so he's not likely to rip you.

He's got his wife and kids in there.

He's not gonna start sh**ting.

This should be easy. Yeah, it should be.

Mike, now remember, we're gonna be arresting you too, okay?

So make it look good in case his buddies are watching.

Are you nervous?

Yes, sir.

That's good.

Let's do this right.

Don't get sh*t, Mikey. Kiss for good luck?

No.

Hey, buddy.

Is Felix here?

Dad!

[Dog barks in distance]

Hmm.

Hey.

Paul's friend? Mike.

Felix.

Yeah, come on inside. Thanks.

You, uh... you want some lemonade?

No. Thanks.

Irina, grab us some lemonade, baby.

So you and Paul are friends, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

I met him, you know, around.

Yeah? Around?

Well, he's... he's my brother-in-law.

Oh.

Nice to meet you.

I married his sister.

She's a hooker.

[Laughing] 20 bucks says he shows 'em his badge.

God forbid.

In the movie. [Laughs]

I play his brother-in-law in the movie.

You in picture with Paul?

Yes!

[All laughing] Sorry.

I was gonna say. My family's messed up.

But yours esta loco!

Whoo. Yeah.

You also play cop?

Manos arriba.

Aah!

He's funny.

Stupid.

Felix: Me and Mike are gonna step out for a minute.

Irina: Of course.

So...

Here's the deal, man.

You know how things, they get stacked up?

I mean, this guy doesn't show up.

So now you can't pay that guy.

So you're short.

He doesn't have the money.

Looks like we just wasted an afternoon, fellows.

No, I wish I was short. I'm out!

It's the economy, you know?

My other guy... he didn't show up for his stuff.

So... What was the other guy buying?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on for a second.

I think the kid's trying to save it.

So maybe you'd be interested in some merchandise in exchange for the indoor?

Possibly. What are we talking about here?

Man, it's good stuff. Go check it out, man.

It's in the alley. Come on!

You told him not to change locations, right?

Mike: Sure, let's go.

No, I did not.

Damn it!

I need somebody out in that alley right now.

Agent 1: I've lost him.

Agent 2: Negative. No control.

Agent 1: I can't get in there without burning it.

I can get somebody in there on foot.

Do it.

Johnny, you were fast in fifth grade, weren't you?

[Sighs]

Afterburners, baby. Let's go.

Check it out.

15,000 pairs of Levi's finest.

Jeans?

And you wanna trade straight across for the eight?

Straight up?

Come on, man.

You can get like 15 bucks a pair on the street for these.

That's... how much is that? 180,000.

Yeah! That's a lot of money, Mike.

Yeah, and I'll bet your wife is chewing your ear off to get this truck outta here.

I'll tell you what.

[Chuckles]

If you can make this disappear, then you got a deal.

I'll see what I can do.

Pleasure doing business with you, Felix.

[Laughing]

Stop! Federal bureau! Federal bureau!

What is that guy yelling?

Federal bureau!

Federal bureau! [Sirens blaring]

Federal bureau!

Spread it! You're both under arrest.

Come on!

How come you weren't so damn [Murmuring indistinctly]?

What's wrong with you, man?

Damn, I knew those jeans were bad luck.

Hey, nice job, rookie.

[Laughing]

Thanks, man.

What the hell are you idiots doing?

You're not supposed to bring him through here!

Mike?

Get him outta here!

That's messed up.

Get him outta here.

Damn.

Hey! What happened?

They walked Felix into Mike.

It happened.

It's over.

[Dog whimpers] Mangy little...

You are not gonna make this easy on me, are you?

Sergei Nayfeld. 24, Felix Arroyo.

[Buzzer]

Arroyo!

Your lawyer's here.

[Buzzer]

[Whispers] Sir, sir, sir. That man is not my lawyer.

Do not let him bail me out.

Please.

Hey, levi.

Levi?

Yeah, you need a nickname.

I don't think I like levi.

Too bad.

You don't get to choose your nickname, do you, Johnny?

"Johnny" is a nickname?

Yep.

Briggs gave it to me. It's my character in the movie.

Man, you put everyone in the movie, don't you?

He begged. [Laughter]

Check this. Tuturro and Briggs were undercover with this biker g*ng.

Tuturro figures if Briggs can do it he can too.

Damn right.

[Mocking laughter]

So he tells 'em that he plays this tough-guy k*ller.

Yeah.

Without missing a b*at, Briggs tells him, "yeah, the guy he sh*t was sitting on the toilet."

[Laughter]

He tells them I sh**t this dude when I catch him reading my dirty mags on the John.

Mmhmm, two slugs.

One in the arm, one right in the chest.

Couldn't even make me a good sh*t, could you?

Bikers started calling him Johnny after that, and it stuck.

You know what, I like it. Here's to Johnny.

Do you? I'm glad you like it, levi.

To levi!

Levi! To levi.

Levi.

Thank you, officer.

[Scoffs]

Wow.

I didn't know I could afford a lawyer with such a nice suit.

The police tell me you're a third striker, and I cannot bail you out.

Yeah. Stolen jeans.

It's a tough state.

We need assurance you will not talk to the feds.

I'm not saying nothing.

Just the same, your family will be staying with us until this is all over.

No. No, no, no, no. Please.

I will do anything.

Yes, you will.

Start by telling the truth.

What is this crap with the jeans?

It's just a side business, man.

We don't take care of you?

Who is this guy they arrested you with?

It's my brother-in-law.

He's family.

Yeah.

I'm unpredictable?

Hey!

What are we celebrating? What's up, dude?

Levi here popped his cherry today.

Levi?

[Laughter] Yeah.

Hey, levi!

Buy you a beer?

Ah, no, I'm good.

Later then.

Levi.

Tell me a story, man. A story?

Yeah.

I got no stories.

Well, let's think about that.

You just got yourself a shiny new nickname.

Mm.

There's a gotta be a story in that.

All right, it was a reverse gone wrong, and I ended up with a truckload of knockoff jeans.

Knockoff jeans.

A truckload.

That is a solid story.

Yeah, you know what? It is a good story.

What about you? Me?

You're very protective of your juice.

Oh, you sensing some deep psycho-babble in that?

Stayed in that a**l phase too long?

Does not play well with others?

Wow, okay. So you are an only child.

[Laughs] Look, man, you caught me on a bad day.

But I bet you tuturro was up to mischief.

He's the one who handed you the juice.

Am I right?

I knew it. I knew it.

And you didn't even rat out his little kale-eating scrawny ass.

Respect, man.

[Music stops]

Let's start with the good news.

Turns out that truck full of jeans was lifted off the port.

Which makes it customs' problem, not mine.

Congratulations, Jakes.

You are now the proud owner of 12,000 knockoff Levi's...

[Laughter]

Courtesy of your new bestest buddy Mike.

We met.

Aww. Come on, levi.

Bad news is... You just made bail.

So we're sure that they have Felix's family.

Yeah.

Felix panicked when the lawyer asked him about Mike.

Said he was his brother-in-law.

He said what?

Yeah. But we got lucky.

Felix does have a brother-in-law with a passing resemblance to Mike.

By which I mean he's white. Frankie bout.

We gotta do something about your height.

He's got a scar above his left eye, and if it comes up, you've lost a hell of a lot of weight.

Other than that, he's a perfect match.

[Whispering] One minute.

Mike, come on.

So how's your new job so far, huh?

Oh, well, it's great.

Cleaned some dishes, learned how to surf.

So what exactly is gonna happen here?

Kidnapping a family is messy, Mike.

All right, they're bailing you out because they want assurance that Felix won't talk.

They think you're family.

They get you to do something illegal.

Then if Felix talks to us, they turn you in.

Illegal.

Yeah.

Uh, we've seen them do this before.

They're gonna ask you to k*ll someone...

Mike.

Now all you gotta do is get a name, okay?

You come back to us, that's it.

We got a guy over at the paper, he'll play ball with a homicide story, an obit.

They think the guy's dead, they let the family go.

You don't have to do this.

Yeah, but if I don't, what happens to that family?

[Sighs]

All right.

All right, we gotta assume these Russian pricks have the same intel we do.

You got exactly one hour to become this guy.

Your name's Frankie bout. You got it, Mike?

Frankie bout.

Yeah.

Your wife's name is Katerina. She's Felix's wife's sister.

Her name is Irina. Wait, wait.

Wait, my wife is Katerina or Felix's?

Yours.

Write it down. Sure.

You ever been to chi town?

I drove there once in college.

All right, well, now you're from there.

So just remember wrigleyville, sears tower, magic mile.

Your arrest in '04? GTA. I boosted a firebird.

Nice. Wife?

Katerina. She's a year younger than me.

Good man. What's your name?

Mike?

Uh...

What's your name?

Bout. Frankie bout. Damn it! I know that.

I know that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.

January of this year, suspicion narco possession.

Arresting officer noted track marks.

This guy's a junkie?

Charlie, we need a makeup job.

When's the last time he could've gotten high?

Uh, 11:30.

You sh**t up here, 'cause your watch'll cover these up.

You haven't had a hit in 14 hours.

You're in withdrawal, so you're gonna be shaky.

See? You're a natural. [Laughs]

All right, so I got a pair of 101/2 boots with 3-inch lifts and a wallet for one Frankie bout.

It's got the plastic, money, I.D., whatever.

No, no, no.

This guy doesn't have a gold card.

And the only thing he's doing with a library card is chopping his H.

This thing is brand-new.

Johnny, go... Toss it around in the sand or something.

You se...

Kick it.

All right, Frankie bout, this is your transmitter, okay?

Now we can hear you, but you can't hear us.

Very important.

If they sweep you, press this button.

Cuts the transmission. Push it again to restart.

You got it? Yeah.

You're tracking me, right?

The GPS signal's too hard to cloak.

But we've got your audio.

Just give us as much info about your 20 as you can without tipping him off. You'll be all right.

Yes, sir.

Mike, look at me.

Come here.

Our guy had a y-shaped scar above his left eye.

Just pretend that Felix came to you tonight and said, "they took my kids. They took my wife."

You gotta help me."

You can do this.

I like the scar.

You look tough.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Johnny, let me see that.

Come on, man.

Guy carries this in his pocket.

He doesn't drag it behind his car.

It's dark out there, bro.

What you want? Perfection.

What's your name?

Frankie bout.

What are we waiting for? Let's do this.

Mikey!

Franklin bout, married to the beautiful and sexy Katerina.

Bout, Frankie.

Sign.

[Sniffles, clears throat]

You surf?

You should try it.

It kicks ass.

Mr. bout, raise your arms, please.

He just stopped transmitting.

They're sweeping him.

[Wand warbles]

Thank you.

Okay, we got him back.

Nayfeld [on radio]: You speak Russian?

No, that's my wife.

The only I understand in Russian is "not tonight."

[Laughing] My man.

They're moving.

I'm going in on this.

No, you're not.

You set this whole thing in motion.

Get outta here.

I can go over your head.

Yeah, you could.

But I don't want an agent out there looking for revenge and neither does your boss.

Now get outta here.

Kincaid!

Sit down.

Listen in.

Who's Souren?

Oh, must be the guy who owns the place.

Got that?

Souren's auto shop on lakewood.

[Both speaking Russian]

Frankie, right?

Have a seat.

How is Felix? He's worried about his family.

You're also his family.

Yeah. Hmm.

You need something?

Coffee, water?

No, thanks. I'm fine.

Benji, bring him some water.

You drop a few pounds recently?

It's a juice cleanse.

[Laughing]

Is that the one where you skip the carbs and sh**t up on smack?

[Laughter]

Can, um...

Can we just get to it?

You're right.

Felix's wife and kids should go home.

All right, well, what do you want me to do?

[Speaking Russian]

Forget it. Get him out of here.

We're losing him.

Pull him back, Mikey.

Pull him back.

Whatever you need me to do, I can do... I can!

No, you can't! 'Cause you're g*dd*mn junkie.

[Scoffs]

I don't want you screwing up and blowing this back in my face.

Come on, what, do you want me to k*ll somebody?

I can k*ll somebody. I've done it before.

You?

You k*lled someone?

Yeah.

Where's he going with this?

I wish I knew, boss.

Well, if you let Irina and the kids go, I'll do whatever you want.

I want you to think very carefully about what you're going to say to me next, Frankie.

I've got friends in law enforcement.

I can check details.

If you're lying to me, I'm going to know.

You sit.

Who'd you k*ll?

I sh*t a guy while he was sitting on the toilet.

[Laughter]

Oh, nice. Mikey, nice!

What's nice?

The kid's gonna get himself k*lled.

Okay, I need a cold case report entered into NCIC.

This is gonna be an unsolved homicide, Los Angeles, two years ago.

He's ripping off my story.

No, no, no. Johnny, he's surfing.

Where did this go down?

Los Angeles, about two years ago.

What are you, a mind reader now?

Somebody clue me in. Chief.

The new kid? He's smart.

He took my magazines...

Into the John.

Who does that?

I'd k*ll him.

[Scoffs]

I would.

Exactly, man.

So I let him get in there and get settled.

I walk over to the door.

I kick it in, bam. Pop him in the chest.

Twice.

Who's going to fight with pants around their ankles?

[Laughing]

My man.

I need to check the national database, unsolved homicide.

All right, body found partially clothed, upstairs bathroom.

Got it.

Submit it. Let's go!

They've got some kind of encryption block on the NCIC server.

Just bypass their firewall.

Hit the damn send key!

What was his name?

They called him crazy Jakes.

Wait, wait! Hold up!

Alias crazy Jakes.

Come on. Come on, come on, come on!

Let's go.

Los Angeles homicide said they found this guy...

Dead in his toilet, two sh*ts, like he said.

Wow.

That's what I'm talking about.

So you whacked someone.

Good job, good job.

[Chuckling]

[Speaking Russian]

Are you high right now?

I've been in lockup for 14 hours.

All right.

You help us out, we'll let the woman and the kids go.

[Speaking Russian]

All right, who's it gonna be?

A pro like you?

Let's make it a surprise.

No, wait. Wait, whoa, whoa.

We're doing this now?

Why? You got to be somewhere?

[Indistinct chatter]

[Car engine starting]

So where we going?

You know, Horace greeley would not approve.

Who is Horace?

Uh, uh, Horace greeley. Go west, young man.

They're taking him east.

It's house on left corner.

Here's the key.

Where'd you get this?

He has a Russian housekeeper. It's not your problem.

k*ll the man in the back bedroom.

Be sure he's dead.

Fire all the b*ll*ts.

Bring this back to us.

502 Worthington. I hope you guys can hear me.

We got an address. Pull it up.

I want backup cars rolling in that direction now!

Got nothing on an owner.

Bank repo? Sublet?

I need to know what Warren's walking into.

What are you thinking?

We crash this thing with a bunch of units rolling in... we lose the family.

Yeah, at least.

I can get in there.

Yeah. Go.

[Heavy sigh]

I'm going in.

He's in the house, people. Tell me something.

Hang on. The house has a government tag.

What, like wit-sec?

Some kind of safe house.

[Hinges squeak lightly]

Excuse me.

"Excuse me"?

Who are you?

I'm not here to hurt you.

If that's true, then put the g*n down.

It's Donnie.

They're sending him in to k*ll Donnie.

Some kid breaks into the house with a g*n, what do you do?

I'd k*ll him.

k*ll him.

Lauren, get Donnie on the phone now.

Where's my bureau chief? Nobody wants to wake him up.

Wake everybody up.

[Phone ringing]

Put it down.

Put the g*n down.

I wish I could.

[Phone ringing]

Put it down or I'm gonna sh**t you this time.

I can't.

Who are you?

I'm Mike Warren, FBI.

Let's see some I.D.

I don't have any.

Bad day for you.

Um, okay.

See these track marks? They're fake.

I'm undercover.

Who sent you?

The Vzakonye.

They're outside this house right now, and they sent me in here to k*ll you.

Russian bastards aren't gonna finish me off.

Wait.

[Laughs] You're Donnie banks?

You're a lousy hit man, kid.

Just...

Where'd you get those?

I'm your new roommate.

You're at Graceland.

Yeah.

What else did you take out of my room?

Uh, nothing.

Lauren... she told me not to unpack.

Come on, man. You gotta believe me.

It's my first day.

[Both chuckle]

You're gonna do exactly as I do.

[Sighs]

You transmitting?

Yeah.

They can hear us back at command.

Hey, guys, it's Donnie. Met the new roommate Mike.

Almost sh*t him.

Yep, he almost sh*t me.

Oh, my God. Yeah, you... you almost sh*t me. [Laughing]

Donnie almost sh*t Mike.

That's crazy.

I gotta finish this.

[f*ring sh*ts]

[Exhales] I gotta go.

Yeah, you didn't tell me he was a g*dd*mn DEA agent!

He took two sh*ts at me!

Is he dead?

Yeah, he's dead.

Gimme the g*n and get in the car.

All right, you let the wife and the kids go?

Yeah. Get in the car.

Yeah, you know what? I think I'm gonna walk.

The neighbors heard the sh*ts. Get in the car.

Why do you want me to get in the car?

Don't be stupid.

This is your last chance.

Get in the car.

Something's wrong.

Yeah, get in the car.

Or what?

Ugh! [Horn honking]

Briggs?

Silvo, if you can hear me, we need an ambulance over here right now.

My guess... get you to k*ll Donnie, they take you out somewhere, sh**t you, make it look like a su1c1de, then if Felix ever talks, they make sure somebody finds your g*n.

[Laughing] This is news to me.

Hey! You in the back, show me your hands.

Now come on, guys. It's all cool.

Do it!

Hey, come on.

Just do what he says, all right? Do it now!

[Stammering] I'm okay.

Just put your hands up, okay? Just do what he says.

What?

How did you...

Mike just cut transmission.

You saw the g*n?

Yeah, I see it right there.

He's back.

This is agent Warren. sh*ts fired.

Two men down. Where's the ambulance?

Agent Briggs saved my life.

[Birds calling]

Female Reporter: A morning raid at the Russian Vzakonye cartel by a joint federal task force resulted in several key arrests today.

The raid came after a firefight between federal agents and members of the cartel that left one cartel member injured...

Don't let it go to your head, Mike.

Ha. No, ma'am.

We did good.

Hell, yeah, we did good!

Hey! Hey! Sophia!

[Mellow pop music]

♪

Thanks.

The driver made a move to his w*apon, and that's when agent Briggs fired?

Yes, ma'am.

And you both ordered the man in back to show his hands, and instead he drew his w*apon?

Correct again.

Agent Warren?

Yes, ma'am.

Sounds like a clean sh**t to me.

So are we good here?

Briggs?

Yeah, I'm good.

Warren, anything to add?

No, ma'am. We're good.

Excellent work, both of you.

Both: Thank you.

[Mellow pop song]

♪

[Laughter]

All right, man. Glasses up.

Oh, man.

Now look, as rookies, we all bought dope.

Some of us even on the job, actually.

[Laughter] But today was one to remember.

Cheers.

Thank you.

Yup.

Mm!

[Laughing] No, no. Wait.

Too much studying, not enough partying.

No, no, no. Listen.

Back east, we don't dance with it.

We just drink it.

Oh, okay.

Oh, really?

I wanna let you know no matter how much bitching Silvo does, you did good today.

Thank you, sir.

Yeah.

That means a lot.

Well, you know, Mike, you are now an undercover agent for the bureau, okay?

That means from this moment on, your lies are your life.

Yes, sir.

You know, you're out on the street.

You meet some fine little love 'n' touch.

You better lie to her.

You know, your parents call you on a Sunday afternoon, "hey, Mike, what you working on?"

You lie to 'em. Hmm.

How do you do it though? I mean, how do you... the lies.

How do you just keep from going crazy, you know?

Who says I haven't?

No one, sir.

[Phone ringing]

Mind if I take this?

Hey, it's your party.

Thanks.

Hey-yo!

Where are you going?

Just gimme...

I told you the boy does not know how to party.

Yo, Mike! Agent Campbell.

You were very right.

There's no way I could've predicted this.

Ah, you actually listened to my speech.

You know, I did.

Agent Briggs saved your life. That true?

Yes, sir, he did.

I'm calling to let you know that your assignment is to investigate Briggs.

Will what he did affect that ability?

No, sir.

Good.

Keep that attitude, and you'll still make deputy director one day.

I appreciate that, sir.

Keep your head down, Mike.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

[Beep]

Hey.

We're missing you over there. Oh.

You know, uh, I heard they kinda slammed you with this job, huh?

Tchh. Yeah. Yeah, they did.

Mm.

D.C. one minute, the next you got sand in your shoes.

No idea why?

No, sir.