01x01 - Episode 1

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Stonemouth". Aired: June 8, 2015 to present.*
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"Stonemouth" is set in the fictional Aberdeenshire village of Stonemouth and follows Stewart Gilmour, who returns to the village for his best friend's funeral. Adapted from the Iain Banks' novel of the same name.
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01x01 - Episode 1

Post by bunniefuu »

Funny... when I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up.

Life was going to be so good, so exciting.

Now I'm not so sure.

Not since I heard my best mate drove out to the Stoun Bridge last week and threw himself off.

Still, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Best to start in the midst of things.

Two years ago, to be precise. The night I screwed everything up.

This does not need to happen.

Yes, it does, Stewart.

It doesn't need to happen, Ellie.

(Horn honks)

Oh, Jesus, it's your brothers.

Get down!

sh*t.

You all right, sis? Is he in there?

No, I don't know where he is.

Just open the door and let us check the car.

He's not in here.

If he's in there, I'm gonnae kick his head in. Now open the door!

I've told you he's not in here. Please just go home.

Are you in there, Gilmour? I know you're in there.

It was light by the time we got to the freight yard.

Not exactly how I imagined leaving home.

I ended up in London. Got a job, started over.

I hadn't been home since.

Hadn't planned on taking the risk, to be honest.

Not after what I'd done.

But after Cal did what he did... I had no choice.

♪ At the scene of the crime ♪
♪ They're working overtime ♪
♪ Fuel in the fire, feet on the wire ♪
♪ What sounds like a crime ♪
♪ Is a house of liars ♪
♪ I'm still looking for ♪
♪ One good and honest person for hire ♪
♪ So tell me who rocked the boat? ♪
♪ Who rocked the boat? ♪
♪ Who rocked the boat? ♪
♪ Who rocked the boat? ♪
♪ Who rocked the boat? ♪
♪ Who rocked the boat? ♪
♪ Who rocked the boat? ♪

Callum messaged me the day before he d*ed.

I didn't get back to him.

'Stewart. How are you, mate? It's been a while. I should have called and stuff, but I need a bed for a few weeks. Any chance? Got myself into a spot of bother. Big-George-type bother. Only this time I'm not so sure I'm going to get out of it and if I don't, remember I love you, all right? Speak soon. Remember what Machiavelli said, "Before all else, be armed."'

"Be armed"? Typical of Cal.

Leaving me with this humongous level of guilt and self-loathing.

But before I could cross that bridge into Stonemouth, I needed permission and there was only one person who could tell me for sure if I had it - Powell Imrie.

All right, Stu?

You know... they say the fall doesn't k*ll you, just smashes your bones to a pulp. In actual fact, you drown.

You well?

Fine. You?

Yeah, yeah, not too shabby. So, what do you want?

Am I OK to come back?

Safe to land, Stewie boy. No harm scheduled to befall you.

Saying that, best you're gone by Thursday, yeah?

Once you've paid your respects.

He sent me a message, Pow. Before he d*ed.

I never got back to him. I meant to.

I was just busy and stuff, you know.

Yeah, well, what are friends for, eh?

Said he'd got himself into some trouble.

Did he say what kind of trouble?

Nah.

Well, you know Callum. could have been anything.

A girl, most probably.

One last thing, as you're not exactly on Don's Christmas list, or his boys' for that matter, a visit would be advisable.

To the Murstons'?

Soon as.

'The Murston residence.

'Quite something, built with 100% drug money...

'.. allegedly.'

All right?

'It was through Cal that I got to know the rest of the family.

'Mr M, himself, Mrs M...

'his two ever-so-slightly psychotic brothers, Fraser and Norrie,

'his kid sister Grier and, of course, Ellie...

'.. the love of my life.'

Mr Murston will be with you shortly.

"A spot of bother. Big-George-type bother."

Cal was talking about the day we went paintballing.

The day I almost d*ed.

There was me, Ferg and Wee Malky.

We'd been up at the golf course, looking for lost balls to sell.

It was also the first time I saw Ellie.

She was so beautiful... graceful.

I never forgot her.

I'd heard about the Murston sisters but, like mythical creatures, we weren't sure if they actually existed.

They went to the Stonemouth Academy, while Cal had to rough it with his brothers in the local comp, with the rest of us.

He was effortlessly cool, everybody wanted to be his friend.

Even Hugo Ancraime, the closest thing Stonemouth had to aristocracy.

It was Hugo who had all the paintballing gear, but with Hugo came Big George, his older brother...

Not Mongo!

Hey!

.. who had the mental age of five.

Those were the best times, out in the woods together.

Big George, who wasn't allowed a g*n, never wanted to be left out and who could blame him?

(Giggles echo)

Quick, Malky! Malky! Come on!

George!

(They shout frantically)

The worst thing, the thing that plagued my nightmares for years, was watching Wee Malky trying desperately to save himself.

I win!

Nobody said it, but we all felt we could have done more to save him.

Run! Run!

Cal was different, he did do more.

No, George!

(George cries)

He risked his own life... to save mine.

Mr Murston will see you now.

(Techno music plays)

All right, Stewart?

Hello, Mr M.

What, you too scared to call me Donald now, are you?

How are you, Donald?

That's a stupid bloody question. My son just k*lled himself.

I know. It's such a shock. He just wasn't the type.

Who, Callum? He was bipolar.

Only his mother wouldn't accept it.

What did he have to be depressed about, eh?

Jesus, he had the looks. Made Johnny Depp look like Nigel Farage.

Some people just don't know they're born.

Wouldn't you agree? Stewart?

Now that you mention it, I suppose he did get down in the dumps quite a bit.

Yeah, if they'd listened to me, we'd have got him some medication.

Stupid little sh*t.

Still, no point in playing the blame game.

Not now.

So, what do you do these days?

Lighting, you know, in buildings and stuff like that.

What, the kind of lilac sh*t you see on the side of multi-storeys?

That kind of thing?

Aye, that type of thing.

What? You went to art school for that?

I was... I was headhunted.

Hmm, not for the first time, eh?

Listen, let's not pretend everything's hunky-dory, eh?

Not after what you did.

If it was up to me, you wouldn't be here.

Mrs M, however, feels otherwise. She put in a good word for you.

For what... for whatever it's worth... I really am sorry.

Really sorry?

Aye.

How is Ellie?

How's Ellie? Erm...

Ellie is none of your f*ckin' business... that's how she is.

Don't let me keep you.

Right.

And listen... this is just until after the funeral, OK?

After that, adios.

So, Stonemouth.

Not a bad place to grow up, as long as you didn't get on the wrong side of Don Murston, like I did.

Or Mike MacAvett, for that matter.

Between them, they have the place sewn up.

Stewart.

Here he is.

Thank you, darling.

Hello.

It's good to see you.

And to see you.

All right? Good journey?

Aye. Not too bad. Is that yours?

Aye.

It's nice.

Ah, it's good to see you, son.

You all right?

I'm fine.

I spoke to Don. He was telling me Cal was depressed.

Always had been, apparently.

Well, Don would know.

I never realised.

Why didn't I know that?

Look, it's a... It's a shock.

It's a truly terrible thing.

And Don was fine, was he?

I'm allowed to go to the funeral.

I mentioned to Mike that you'd be back.

You should go in and see him.

Mm.

Look, he's an important person in this town, Stewart.

Important being another word for all-round bad bastard.

Who also happens to be your godfather.

What your dad is trying to say is, that if you were thinking about moving back, Mike might be able to help sort things out with the Murstons. Are you thinking about moving back?

HE LAUGHS WRYLY Why would I do that?

Ellie, maybe?

Mum, Ellie married Ryan MacAvett, in case you forgot.

She also got divorced again pretty quick.

I've no intention of seeing Ellie and I doubt she'd want to see me.

I think that's probably for the best.

You don't know what Ellie thinks - either of you.

She might need a friend just now.

I had one mate who might be able to tell me what'd been going on with Callum. That was Dougie.

He was the last person I ever imagined joining the boys in blue.

Gilmour!

You're a sight for sore eyes.

Thanks for coming, Dougie. Fancy a pint?

Ah, on duty this afternoon. What can I do for you?

Bipolar?

Yeah, I just don't get it.

You guys hung out a lot. Did you notice anything wrong with him?

You know Cal - always cruising about in that Chevy trying to pick up ladies. He seemed fine.

He wasn't fine. Come on, Dougie, you're a cop.

You know everything that goes on in this place.

I did hear, in the first autopsy report no water was found in the lungs, but it was amended.

No water in his lungs?

That would mean he was dead before he hit the river?

Would. But it was a mistake.

That kind of mistake happen a lot?

That would be casting aspersions on the professionalism of our trusty booze hound of a pathologist.

Put it this way, it's a good thing the people he operates on are dead already.

Look, I've got to head.

Not-quite-legal poker game at the Old Moray tomorrow. You in?

Yeah, mate, I'll be there.

Cool.

Right, pal, on your bike.

Ha!

Stewart!

HE LAUGHS God!

Good man.

You all right?

Yeah. I'll have another over-priced Continental lager, please, mate.

Didn't this used to be The Masons' Arms?

Yeah, well, a lot happens in two years.

Quite like the retro thing, myself.

I preferred the comforting ambience of a Masonic conspiracy.

How did you know I was back?

Oh, the jungle drums were b*ating.

No, course I knew you'd be back.

What's this, man?

What?

Don't tell me you've gone and developed taste, have you?

I got it in Shoreditch.

Oh, obviously not, then.

You look good, mate.

You don't.

(He laughs)

Games designer?

You're a games designer?

Why'd you keep saying it like that?

Like you expected me to be some handyman down at the municipal baths! I've got a duplex, you know.

You can see the Stoun Bridge from my window.

Naturally, I fantasise about the urban chic of London, but then I remember what a crowded, aggressive sh*thole it is.

Why don't you break the habit of a lifetime and buy a round? Eh?

Fine.

Games designer!

Same again, please, pal.

Don seemed angry with him.

Gave me this guff about him being bipolar.

That's not true.

What do we know?

We knew Callum.

Yeah, mind you... you could never tell what he was going to do next.

That's what I liked about him.

Yeah, well, they say that people that k*ll themselves have been thinking about doing it every single day of their lives.

Callum didn't.

Didn't think about it, or didn't do it?

Both.

Well, if he didn't jump, what are you saying?

He was in trouble, Ferg.

He told me. He said Big George-type trouble.

You're reading too much into this, Stewart.

You know, you're upset.

Cal, he was your best friend... after me... obviously.

Obviously.

According to Dougie, the autopsy said,

"no water in his lungs," before it was amended.

Stop, man!

Right there.

Can we keep this on a need-to-know basis?

You know, there's no point in us BOTH getting knee-capped.

So, Murston's pulled a couple of strings.

They just don't want people knowing their business.

Let's go.

You owe me a pint.

We were joined at the hip, the three of us - me, Ferg and Callum.

Where one went, the others followed.

Callum was hard to read, that's true.

That's why everybody fancied him. Even the boys, secretly.

As for Ellie...

God, I don't know what it was about her, I just knew we belonged together.

She undid me... hypnotised me.

But she was so far out of my league, I couldn't even speak to her, let alone ask her out.

Why don't you talk to Ellie about Callum?

You know, maybe she knew what you meant?

It's easier said than done.

You still holding a candle?

Only since I was 12.

It's daft, isn't it?

I mean, is there such a thing?

Love at first sight?

Maybe.

Is it just the illusion of perfect love projected onto some poor, unsuspecting lassie... or laddie.

.. or is it a magical thing?

Is there truly a soul mate out there for each and every one of us?

Can we change the subject?

What about you, eh?

You just haven't met him yet, as The Buble might say.

Or her... I haven't completely shut that door.

That's just greedy, Ferg. Make your mind up.

Well, love at first sight is fine, it's what happens afterwards that counts.

From Mr Imrie.

Christ, it's Powell.

Look, drink up, yeah. I have a rule about not drinking with men who could k*ll me with one blow.

He's not that bad.

I feel sorry for him.

Mum and dad dead, care homes, all that stuff.

His life was like a Dickens novel.

Yeah, well I hate Dickens.

That's not what I've heard!

(He laughs)

I'm sorry!

(They laugh)

Square sausage and a buttery, black pudding, fried eggs, just the way you like them.

Now, listen, when you speak to Mike, just do whatever he asks, OK?

What's he going to ask?

I've got no idea, but just do it, anyway.

Could you be any more cryptic(?)

Things have changed around here since you left.

There's a lot of tension between Mike and Don and that affects everybody.

What kind of tension?

They both think they know what's best for Stonemouth.

Mike feels that Don puts off potential investment, and Don...

Don just likes things the way they are.

But Don won't always be Don. OK?

Is there a tape in here that will destroy itself in ten seconds?

Look, I'm just filling you in now, so that nobody else does later.

Go.

Stewart... behave yourself.

Stewart Gilmore...

(He laughs)

Long time no see.

Hey, how are you Mike?

Good, son. You?

Aye, fine.

So, eh, I hear to spoke to Don.

Aye, briefly. Trying not to ruffle any feathers.

A bit late for that, eh?

I'm not here for Ellie, despite what everybody seems to think.

I'm here for Cal's funeral.

Difficult thing to comprehend.

A young man taking his own life like that.

What are Don's thoughts?

That Cal jumped off the bridge.

Good.

Well, no' good, you know, bad... obviously.

Terrible.

And you?

I don't know. I suppose so.

You suppose so?

Why are you asking? Do you think something happened to Callum?

Well, as the man says, just because the unknown is not known doesn't mean that SOME people are not in the know about the unknown.

Me? I know what I don't know.

What I would like to know is what Don doesn't know.

OK.

You see, I don't want him thinking that I had anything to do with it, which, needless to say, I didn't.

But the last thing I need right now is Don breathing down my neck.

Why would Don think you had something to do with it?

Ach, he's just looking for some excuse to take me on.

I asked him to tone down his activities and he's no' best pleased with that. So, I need to tread carefully.

Above all else... be armed.

Good to see you, son, but stay away from Ellie.

Two years is a long time. She's not the girl you left behind.

"The girl I left behind."

Nicely put, Mike.

One of my clearest memories of Ellie was down at the beach on one of those mist-discovered days that seem to go on forever.

I still wanted her, but she was going out with Josh MacAvett by then.

Good old Josh.

You know, if you want her you need to say something.

She's bright, my sister, the real brains of the outfit, but she's not telepathic.

You think I stand a chance?

You won't know if you don't try.

Everything good comes with an element of risk, Stewart.

You know, he's got a point.

He who dares wins.

Ever thought you might be gay, Stewart?

No.

How do you know if you haven't tried?

Kiss me... just once.

I don't want to kiss you.

I know you don't want to!

But trust me, it's in your best interests.

Really?

Look, it might not work and, if it doesn't, then, you'll never know.

And if it does, well, then, you'll thank me later.

Now stop being a prick and kiss me. It could change your life.

Right - no tongues.

Yeah, of course, tongues. It's got to look good.

All right. Wait!

Yeah.

No!

No, man, your heart definitely ain't in it.

No, it's not.

(Ferg laughs)

'Josh. Tall, blond and handsome. Just your average Greek God.'

What chance did I have against him?

Having said that, according to Cal, Josh and Ellie weren't actually doing it.

You see, in my head, Ellie and I were already a couple.

Problem was, I'd never really spoken to her, apart from the odd "hello" now and then.

But now, thanks to Ferg and his dastardly plan, Josh was out the way.

And I had one last chance to make an impression.

No more excuses... The time was now.

I knew in my heart of hearts it was a lost cause, but what did I have to lose?

Apart from my self-respect - and who needs that when you're in love?
Hey, Stewart.

Are you all right?

How's things?

Aye, good.

Looking forward to art school?

Yeah.

Why are you shielding your eyes?

I don't know. Maybe you.

You might have a high albedo.

I might have a high what?

Albedo. It's...

It's to do with how much light something reflects.

So, I'm too shiny? Is that what you're saying?

Right, well...

I'm going to leave you in peace, then.

No.

Just... stay.

Keep me company.

OK.

You won't know this - there's no reason why you would -

I probably shouldn't say it, either, but, erm...

Well, the truth is...

The truth is...?

Aye, the truth...

The truth is...

I've been in love with you since the first moment I laid eyes on you.

And I'd love to have a baby with you.

Spooning will suffice, for the moment.

(Voices echo and fade)

Ellie?

Get a grip of yourself, Gilmour.

Be nonchalant. You've moved on.

Let her do the talking.

Grier?

Stewart Gilmour, as I live and breathe.

Interesting. You look relieved and disappointed at the same time.

I guess you thought I was my sister. Story of my life.

Come here! How are you doing?

I'm good. You?

Aye, not bad.

All right.

sh*t, you're not with your brothers, are you?

LAUGHS No. Just me.

Look at you, you look grown up.

Ah, well, you look old.

Come on!

So, here you are.

I heard you got special dispensation to come to Cal's send off.

I did.

She's back, by the way.

I heard.

I guess you want me to set up a meeting between you two?

(He chuckles)

No, I don't think she'd be very pleased to see me, do you?

The chances are, no.

I'm going to go and see Callum.

Do you want to come?

They charge you 20 quid to look at your own dead brother.

Tells you everything you need to know about how twisted our society is.

Any idea why he did it, Grier?

Guilt.

Why do you say that?

Because I knew my brother.

He had a lot to feel guilty about.

Like what?

Christ, I hate the smell of lilies. Can we go?

I'm sorry.

Forget what I said in there.

My apparent lack of emotion is merely a coping mechanism. I haven't slept in days.

Come on. You can't say something like that and leave it hanging.

Cal was the best mate you could ask for. You could trust Cal.

People were drawn to him...

Stewart, give it a rest.

You make him sound like Mother Teresa.

He thought Machiavelli was a good role model, remember?

Only cos he thought he played for Inter Milan.

No.

He fancied himself a bit of a schemer.

He had a dark side, Stewart.

Yeah, but what could have driven him to take his own life?

Trust me, there was stuff.

What do you mean, "stuff"?

Things happened between us.

Things that shouldn't.

I don't really want to talk about it.

I'd heard Ellie had been working at the drug rehab centre in town.

It wasn't the smartest move, going to see her, but after what Grier said, I had to speak to her.

Good to see you, boys. See you next week.

But when I saw her, I knew Mike was right.

Thanks very much.

Bye.

Two years IS a long time.

I hate to quote Cher, but if I could turn back time...

(Ceilidh music plays)

.. it would be to the night of Lauren's wedding.

Lauren being Ellie's best friend.

I know what you're thinking, you dirty pig. Stop it.

She's going to be your sister-in-law.

I wasn't thinking anything like that.

What are you and Ellie doing once you get hitched? London?

No.

No, Ellie wants to stay here, so...

Hi, Stewart.

Don.

That'll be you in a few weeks' time.

You written the speech yet?

I can't wait, to be honest.

Listen, after the honeymoon, you come and see me.

We'll sort you out, all right? Ellie's used to the best in life and no son-in-law of mine can go on living like a student.

Or wearing shoes like that.

I had no idea just how important those bloody shoes were going to be.

Ryan, is this what you dragged me out here for?

Give it a rest.

Oh come on, El, just for old times.

What old times? It was your brother I went out with, not you.

But it should've been me.

I'm getting married to Stewart.

What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

So, there I was, two weeks from tying the knot myself, and I catch my fiancee snogging somebody else.

Not that I'm making excuses, you understand, but it wasn't exactly the best time to have temptation appear before me in a red dress.

All right, Stewart?

You look like you need a little pick-me-up. Fancy a line?

Of coke?

No, of credit.

Of course, coke.

Aye, let's go.

(Sniffing)

Seeing as we're here... fancy a shag or not?

(Door creaks)

It's OK. It's OK.

(She moans)

(Crowd cheers and claps)


All: Whoo!

It's all right, eh?

(Laughter)

Whoo!

(Murmuring)

It's Gilmour. I recognise the shoes!

Gilmour!

You need to follow me.

Ellie, I can explain...

My family are going to k*ll you. Do as I say. Ferg, stall them. Move!

Find him! Find him and bring him to me.

Find that bastard and bring him here!

You went to see Callum?

You actually went and saw him, like... lying there?

I wish I hadn't now.

Listen. Don't do that to me.

I don't want people coming in and staring at me, when I'm none the wiser.

You got a problem?

Me?

No, mate, keep it, I've got another six.

Funny man, eh?

How about I ram this ball right up your Jap's eye?

Don't be daft. There's no need for this.

You call me daft, there?

Like I'm mentally Ret*rded?

You think you're something special, don't you, Gilmour?

Went to art college.

See, to me, you're just a wee fanny wi' a paintbrush.

You watch your step or you'll end up like your pal Callum.

Is there a problem here?

Powell. This prick's being a prick, that's the problem.

It's Mr Imrie to you.

Stewart. Are you all right?

I'm fine, Powell.

What's this you were saying about Callum?

Nothing.

If you've anything to share with the group, feel free.

I was just winding him up.

How about I cut out your tongue and use it to wipe my arse?

(He laughs weakly)

Come here. I want to show you a little trick.

What?

Give me the ball.

Put your hand on the table there. Flat.

What are you doing, Mr Imrie?

There we go.

Please, Mr Imrie...

Close your eyes.

I'm beggin' you...

Close your eyes.

Aah!

(He chuckles)

Leave young Mr Gilmour alone.

Agh!

Stewart, can I have a word, please?

Who is that nutter?

D-Cup.

He's a nobody.

What did he mean by, "You'll end up like your pal Callum"?

Why are we even talking about him?

If anything happened to Callum, that little nonentity would be the last person to know.

Now, this car.

The Ka.

Booked for a week, is that right?

Uh-huh.

Don wants to know, is it for reasons of cheapness that you have it for so long, not a signal of intent to hang about?

It was cheaper by the week.

OK, that's what I thought.

Cheapness aside... if you need to go earlier, you could?

Why? I checked in with Don, like you said...

You didn't cover yourself in glory, though, did you?

Mentioning Ellie. Don thought that was a bit cheeky.

And that was before he saw you hanging about outside the drop-in centre.

He followed me?

He doesn't need to follow you.

He's got friends in high places. Eyes everywhere.

And now, Fraser and Norrie are keen to catch up and chew the fat.

You told me everything would be OK.

Yeah, it was, until you started being cheeky and generally sneaking about.

Now, listen to me.

I'm on your side... but patience is wearing thin.

Just...

Best leave well alone.

"You're good, kid,

"but as long as I'm around, you're second best.

"You might as well learn to live with it."

Every time!

I'll raise you 20.

Dougie, do you know this guy D-Cup?

Not biblically, but aye. He's been done a few times. Weed, mostly. Why?

Did Callum know him?

Don't think they travelled in the same circles.

Raise you again.

What's it like working on the Stoun Bridge, Ezzie?

Aye. It's all right.

Any jumpers this week?

Just the one. Female. Not a fatality.

Is that the lassie from the Riggans estate?

Aye. Amazing how many people make an arse of topping themselves.

Three kings.

Four cowboys!

Drinks, chaps?

Cheers, man.

Did you work on the night Cal d*ed?

I was, aye.

Did you see what happened?

I didn't. No.

This is yours if you let me see the CCTV from that night.

Waste of time. There's nothing to see. Camera was down.

That's handy, eh?

Not really. It happens on a regular basis.

Target practice for the neds.

I'd better give Dougie a hand.

Stewart... Leave it.

Oh, come on, Ferg, something's going on.

CCTV just happens to be down on the night...

Doesn't mean anything.

Listen, drop the Inspector Poirot act, all right.

He was my friend and when he asked for help, I ignored him.

There's nothing you can do about that now. Do you want a hand, boys?

Cheers for that.

No worries. How much is here, anyway? It's quite a lot.

I don't think my wallet's big enough.

Ellie.

Hello, Stewart.

I'm really sorry about Cal.

I know you are.

I heard my dad's been trying to ride you out of town.

Ignore him.

You have every right to be at the funeral.

Thank you.

You know, El, I wrote you a dozen letters, saying how sorry I was.

I just never posted any of them.

I just thought it sounded like I was making excuses.

Which you probably were.

How have you been... really?

My family turn people into addicts.

I try and make them better. We keep each other busy.

Can we... can we go somewhere?

OK.

I bumped into Grier today.

I heard. Still as mad as a box of snakes, isn't she?

Aye. She did say something a bit weird.

Well, people do in the circumstances, eh?

Well, that depends, Stewart - how weird is weird?

She said something about stuff happening between her and Cal.

Made out like Cal had some dark secret.

A while ago, Grier and I got drunk together.

She'd fallen out with Cal.

They were always arguing, but this seemed more serious.

Anyway, she said she was sick and tired of how Cal could do no wrong in Dad's eyes.

She felt ignored and unloved.

She decided that she was going to tell Dad that she and Cal had had an incestuous relationship.

I know. Unbelievable.

I told her it was an obscene thing to do and that if she ever tried to pull a stunt like that, I'd just tell everyone about our conversation.

And did she tell Don?

I don't know.

She might have.

That girl's capable of anything.

I'm sorry.

I can't deal with this.

Good to see you, Stewart.

'Oh, Jesus.

'Mike and Mrs M.

'And clearly more than just friends.

'That was something I really didn't need to know about.'

Help! Help!

(Phone rings)

Yeah?

Is it done yet?

We may have a problem.

Oh, Jesus, can they do nothing right?

What's happening?

Well, let's just say I wouldn't be putting kidnapping and abduction on my CV if I were them.

Right.

Help! Help!

Hold him, hold him, hold him!

'Ah, it's OK, it's OK. He's in the van.'

Right.

God, you imagine handing the keys of the castle to those two?

If only you were a Murston, Powell. If only you were a Murston.

Look, you don't need to do this!

Shh...

Stewie boy. Lovely to see you again.

(They laugh)

Get the rope.

AAHH!

Please! Let me up!

Please!

Please! Fraser!

Fraser!

We told you to stay away from her. Didn't we?

Please! Let me up, please!

Fraser!

Norrie!

Well, don't go and sh*t yourself.

Norrie!

Cos it's time to kiss your arse goodbye.

Jesus! Norrie! Let me up! Let me up!

♪ At the scene of the crime ♪
♪ They're working overtime ♪
♪ Fuel in the fire ♪
♪ Feet on the wire ♪
♪ What sounds like a crime ♪
♪ Is a house of liars ♪
♪ I'm still looking for ♪
♪ One good and honest person for hire ♪
♪ So tell me, who rocked the boat? ♪
♪ Who rocked the boat... ♪
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