01x03 - The Big Sleep

Episode transcripts for the 2015 UK TV show "SunTrap". Aired: May 2015 to present.
"SunTrap" is a crime-comedy featuring a couple of former British journalists-turned-detectives trying to solve mysteries and stay out of trouble at the same time on a Spanish island.
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01x03 - The Big Sleep

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Freak out! ♪
♪ (Le freak, c'est chic) ♪
♪ Freak out! ♪

I love this place.

Good times, Woodster. Good times, son.

I can't believe you haven't brought me here before.

Well, to be honest, I only found out about it myself tonight.

It's perfect!

There's just one thing slightly ruining it for me though.

What's that?

I can see your knickers.

Oh, that's fine. Sexy undies are part of the dress code, although I don't think the bouncers would be too keen on your chicken legs.

You could be right.

By the way, that lipstick really brings out your eyes.

Thanks, mate! I think those chicken wings really do something to your hair.

Cheers, B.

It's just a shame this place has a no-wings policy.

Could be a problem.

We should distract them.


Kiss me!

I thought you'd never ask.

Ready? Three, two, one...

(Clicking fingers)

And you're back with me.


Any requests?

Si! (She cackles malevolently)

(She spits)

Any other requests?

Yes, er, "Great Fernando", I have one, tell the boss to give me a raise.

You will give a significant raise to your tall, gormless barman.

Who? Where am I?

Look at me, look at me.

Tell me, what is YOUR name?


And you are?

(Squawks like a chicken)

♪ I can be wilder than the wind ♪
♪ 119mph ♪
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension ♪

♪ Dancing doubles on the floor ♪

♪ You think I'm crazy, a little bit hazy ♪

♪ But I'm stone-cold... ♪

♪ I can be wilder than the wind ♪

♪ 119mph ♪ ♪
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension ♪
♪ Dancing doubles on the floor ♪
♪ You think I'm crazy, a little bit hazy ♪
♪ But I'm stone-cold... ♪

One bottle of beer for "Mr Chicken".

Mr Chicken? Good one, Zorro. Did you write that yourself?

We worked on it together, kind of joint effort, to be honest. Boom!

Er, "Boom".

I LOVE the hypnotist convention, it is my favourite time of the year.

You say that, I can't shake the sight of you in that lingerie, like two bags of wet pastry caught in a couple of fishing nets.

Oh, stop it, you're making me hungry.

Does anything not make you hungry?

There you go, Great Fernando, two margaritas, bottle of brandy, 55 euros.

Yes, I have your money right here.

Here is your 55 euros and... one for yourself.

Ta very much. Enjoy!

(He chuckles)

Hey, see what I mean? What a great bunch.

Zorro, while I remember, I've been thinking about giving you a raise.

Have you, boss? Oh, that comes as a complete surprise.

There you go, son.

No, boss, this is too much! (He laughs)

But somehow it's not enough.

Hang on, B, why don't you give it to him in smaller notes?

Yeah, yeah, no problem.

There you go, son. Fill your boots!

Thank you, boss. I owe you one.

Yes, you do. Remember, your words, not mine.

Hello there, what can I do you for?

Actually, I need some help with a delicate matter and, well...

Go on, Mark, tell him.

People round here say you're the man we should talk to.

I'm all ears.

No, there's definitely more to you than that.

It's a thick shirt.

'So, it turns out that hypnotism isn't always just a bit of harmless fun.

'Mark was a hypnotist here for the convention,

'and he performed the previous evening at the Hotel Vestivo.

'He was doing his usual act, it was all going as planned,

'but this was a hypnotist convention crowd, they were connoisseurs,

'they expected more. Mark's usual shtick wasn't playing well.'

He usually goes down a storm.

He really is a marvellous hypnotist.

Sorry, you are...?

Oh, Janice. I'm his rock.

She's my rock.

Janice is Mark's rock.

And my wife.

Janice is Mark's rock and his wife.

Rock, wife. Got it.

So what did you do?

Well, I had to mix up the act, so I tried something I've never done before.

Body popping, good choice.

Ignore him.

Music: A Night On Bald Mountain by Mussorgsky

'Mark hypnotised an audience member to believe he was involved in an armed robbery, with Mark as the robber and the hypnotised man as the cop. But something spooked him.'

(Janice gasps)

'As he left the theatre, the hypnotised man screamed...'

In aggressive male voice: "You won't get away with this, lowlife scum!"

"I'm coming back! I'm going to sh**t you d*ad!"

That was right, wasn't it, Mark?

Tearfully: Yes, Janice.

So, it's the old "Tracking Down The Fella Your Fella Hypnotised To k*ll Him, Before The Other Fella Finds Your Fella And sh**t Him d*ad" story?


We need to get him back so Mark can deprogram him before he can cause any harm.


What you thinking, Wood?

I'm thinking that's a nice ring.

Mark was given that when he joined the Guild Of Hypnotists.

They gave you a ring? It must be serious.

Has he even been listening to me?

He may look like an idiot and act like an idiot and be an idiot, but he was definitely listening.

So can you help us?

Why haven't you gone to the police?

We'd rather keep this under the radar, if possible.

This one mistake could k*ll his career.

So what does our man look like?

My wife has done a drawing. Janice?

This was the man.



(Janice clears her throat)



Don't worry, we'll find him.

I can't tell you what a relief that is.

Oh, here's Mark's card.

"The Fabulous Mark"!

Fabulous. Don't worry, Fabulous Mark, we'll be in touch.


Oh, oh, one thing before you go, I've heard that it is possible to use hypnosis to help with, how can I put this...

Your weight problem?

Weight problem! Get him! Good one.

I'm in the best shape of my life.

Technically, that's not a shape.

Bless him! I don't have a weight problem.

Then what's it about?

It's my weight problem. I was thinking, seeing as you're a hypnotist, you could maybe...

Yeah, well, I can hypnotise you right now if you like.

Baby, do you think that's a good idea after everything you've been through?

I think Mark needs a rest.

I could do with a rest.

No, you're right. Yeah, stupid idea, forget it.

I'll head off down to the gym and do it the old-fashioned way.

So you want to lose weight?

Yeah, can you do it?

Not a problem. Let's get started.

Whoa. How long was I under?

Oh, this is going to be easier than I thought.

'While Brutus was having his head examined by the Great Fernando, I started tracking down the Fabulous Mark's pretend policeman. A man's life was at stake and nothing was going to distract me from the job in hand.'


(Birds sing)

Well, this IS nice.

We should definitely make this a regular thing.

Why don't we make Tuesday "Woody Stays In Silence And Melody's Frowning Face Day" from now on?

Go. Away. I'm not in the mood.

Now, call me oversensitive, but I have a very developed feminine side - it's my left side - and I'm picking up that there's something very slightly bothering you.

Argh! It's Donald!

He's been injured and now he's confined to a wheelchair.

Oh! That man is so selfish. What happened?

He broke his toe on someone.

On someTHING.

No, someone.

And now, he wants me to play proper wifey, and he wants me by his side 24/7!

You're doing a great job.

This is the first break I've had in a week!

I didn't sign up for this, I think I'm losing my mind.

Melody, remember, a problem shared is a problem to laugh at... halved, whatever.

Why don't you start from the beginning?

Argh! It's Donald!

Yeah, I didn't mean the beginning of the conversation.

No. It's actually him.

Melody! There you are.

I want the loo and I need a hand.

Ah, tell me he doesn't mean...

Yes, he does.

Ah, I need a break.

No, you need a disposable glove.

Hang on, I think I've got a solution.

And when you wake up, this mop will be your wife...


Your beautiful wife, Melody, with her beautiful hair and her lovely legs and her exquisitely proportioned...

All right, Fernando, wind it up.

Listen, young lady, he can't see you and the mop at the same time, it'll break the illusion.

Oh, OK, all right, one second.

Off to the shops?

No, if I'm quick, I can finally finish my pilot's licence.

You're full of surprises.

Oh, you don't know the half of it.

You owe me for this.

Yeah, yeah, whatever you want.

Except for that, of course.

Of course.

And you're back with us in three, two, one...

Melody! Melody! Oh, there you are.

My ear hair needs trimming again.

You'd love to? Oh, good girl.

Oi, are you looking at my wife?



Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah, not getting distracted from the job in hand.

So, where does a man who's hypnotised to think he's a cop, go first?


Ah, Spanish, such a beautiful language.

Your mother, she was a handsome woman?

You still have the feelings for her, ja?

Don't I know you?

Perhaps, my name is Hans, Dr Hans Freedialling, Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Somewhere in Austria.

My turn for questions.

When was the last time you cried like a baby?


Never mind. Do you know this man?

What is this?

I don't have time for this, I'm very busy.

All right, who is this man?

This man has lost his marbles.

And where did he lose them?

No, you do not understand. He is crackers, nuts, bananas.

The whole picnic.

He thinks he is a policeman.

Do you know anyone that thinks they are a policeman?

I think I am a policeman.

Yes, but you do not think you are.

I think I am.

No, but you do not think you are.

Then what am I?

What do you think you are?

A policeman.

Is that what you think?

I think so.

I thought so.

I'll take this, sergeant, thank you. Thank you.

Excuse me, Mr...?

Dr Hans Pizzarade.

Excuse me, Dr, I have an idea.

Follow me, I'll take you to the missing persons room.

In there, look.

Problem solved.

Now you have gone missing for wasting police time, hasta luego.

Hasta what? You can't do this to me.

I demand to speak to the embassy.

Tell me about your childhood.

Were you fed from the bottle? Hello?


Have you calmed down now?

I know my human rights, I want my statutory phone call.

You're free to go.

This contravenes the Geneva Convention.

I want to call someone, anyone.

Do you need more time to yourself?

OK, I'm going, I'm going. So many issues.

You're telling me.

Any developments?


Great. Well?

One, your man isn't where I thought he would be, so we can rule that out.

Which is good, in a way.

What was the other development?

Two, Brutus' hypnotism obviously didn't work.

Ha, that is where you're wrong, see, because Fernando has reversed my whole relationship with food and from now on, the more I eat, the less I weigh.

You've got a problem.

I've got a problem?

You've got a problem.

I've got a problem.

He's got a problem.

You do have a problem.

Look, Janice said if you can't find him, I should get our money back and we'll find someone who can.

I understand. So if we can't help find your person you'll find someone who can help find your person?

Do you want me to help find a person to help find your person?

I mean, I would, but I'm busy at the moment helping find a person for a person.

I want my money back, please.

Don't be so hasty, Fabulous Mark. I've got an idea.

He's got an idea.

All we need to do, is for you to put on another show.

He'll see the posters and come straight for you.

He wants to k*ll me.

No, he only thinks he wants to k*ll you.

How's that any different?

Relax. We'll put people all around the venue to protect you.

As soon as he arrives, we grab him and then you de-hypnotise him.

And I've got just the place where you can do it, my mate Jimmy the Ferret's club.

Of course. Jimmy the Ferret's club.

Who's Jimmy the Ferret?

He's my mate.

You said. And why's he called Jimmy the Ferret?

Well, it's a funny story, actually.

I just wish I could remember it.

Did it involve a ferret?

I am going to say yes.

Don't you worry, Mark.

With me, Jimmy the Ferret and Brutus the Brain, you're in safe hands.

Nice little crowd, I think we're onto a winner.

50% of the door, 10% on the bar.

My mate, Jimmy the Ferret, is well happy.

Yeah, great, just one thing, what about the man who's trying to k*ll me?

Well, he's not at the bar, but I did get this.

Great, what is it?

Barmaid's number. We're going for pizza later.

This is not a good idea.

You think skip the pizza, go straight to karaoke?

You could be right.

Mark, you'll be fine.

We'll put our people everywhere to be primed and ready to pounce.

I can't do this.

There you go.
Hypnotism is a load of cobblers, I don't know why dragged me in here, it's like you've got hypnotism on your brain today.

Large scotch and what are you having?

Ooh, that is a good idea, in fact we'll have a bottle.

Bring them to our table, would you?

We really need to get started, Fabulous Mark.

Yeah, it's Janice, my...

Yeah, I know, your rock and your wife.

We really need to get started, Fabulous Mark.

Listen to me, Janice, I just want to get this sorted out once and for all. No, you're right, it's far too dangerous.

Janice is right, it's far too dangerous.

I dunno what I was thinking.


I need to leave.


Wait, you can't go.

Where's he going?

He's going.

Yeah, where's he going?

He's gone.

Right, you know what we need to do?

Go on.

We need to go.



We can't go.

If we go, Jimmy the Ferret will feed us to his ferrets.

Ah, I remember the story now.

It's not that funny after all. What are we going to do?

Don't worry, B, you're about to see someone put the hyp into hypnotist.

And the no.

And the tist.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage at Ferret's Nightclub, hypnotist extraordinaire, The Fabulous Mark.

Yes, I am The Fabulous Mark and I am a hypnotist.

You, sir, sleep.

You, madam, wake up, the show has started.

What you are about to witness, you will never forget, unless, of course, I hypnotise you to forget, in which case, you will never remember.

So, to recap, tonight will either be the most unforgettable or forgettable night of your lives.

Get on with it!

Who said that?

You, sir, stand up.

What is your name, sir?


Or is it?


Or is it?


Or is it?


No. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Shirley.

It can be a man's name too.

Before the show, I hypnotised Shirley to believe he was an annoying audience member named Greg who stands up and heckles me.

Round of applause for Shirley.

I'm not Shirley. My name is Greg.

See me after the show, Shirley.

Right, who else wants to be hypnotised?

Go on, love, why don't you volunteer? Bit of fun.

I'd love to see you hypnotised.

What about you, madam?

We have a volunteer.

Over here! Choose my wife.

See if it works on her.

And sleep and act like a dog and leave. Amazing.

The power of the mind.

What about you, sir?

No. Me? No.

Yes, you owe it to yourself. And me.

Get up here now, round of applause.

And what is your name, sir?

Well actually, I'm glad you asked, because my name is actually...

Yeah, great, and sleep.

You are now in a deep, deep sleep and under the power of The Fabulous Mark.

When I count down from three, you will wake up and immediately drop your trousers.


In three, two, one...

And sleep. How about that, ladies and gentlemen?

Now, who would like to see him eat his trousers?

In three, two, one...

So, there's good news and bad news. And bad news.

And the good news?

We got to see a grown man eat his own trousers.

Not all of them, but he gave it his best sh*t.

Did my guy turn up at the show?

That's the bad news and the bad news.

This isn't working. What was I thinking?



Who's ordering pudding?

It's quarter past ten in the morning.

I've had enough of this. I'm not taking any chances.

I need to protect me and Janice.

Whoa. Where did you get the g*n?

A guy at the docks.

I slipped out this morning while Janice was asleep.

Easy, tiger. We won't be needing that.

Well have you got a better idea?

I've always got a better idea.

He's always got a better idea.

Here's the better idea.

We've been out looking for this guy, when all this time he's been looking for you.

So what?

So, the only place he definitely knows you've been is the place you've hypnotised him.

It's obvious, he'll be staking out the hotel.

Of course.

And there's only one way to flush out a stake out...

Both: Stake out the stake out.

Right, let's go.

My belt's shrunk again.

There's nothing I like to do more than staking out a stake out...

Apart from twerking. Who doesn't like twerking?

But this wasn't the time for twerking.

I should stop saying the word "twerking".

This was a time for tracking down our man and I had an eye for this kind of thing.

Not him.

Or him.

Definitely not him.

Could be her. Twerking.

I said it again.

Ten four, big boy, this is the doughnut king, breaker, breaker, do you copy?

Yes, hello, doughnut king.

I knew these walkie talkies had range, I didn't realise they went all the way back to the 1970s.

You're just jealous, because I got the old CB speak down Pat.

I used to have a CB, so I know what I am talking about.

I remember once when I was a kid, talking to a lorry driver called Frank from the Midlands and he was...

Yeah, ten four on that, I'm bl*wing smoke up the freeway, because I am the Boston Toastie.

You chow down on my ball and I'm going be a ratchet jaw.

I'll back off the hammer, I'm waitin' for the bear, anyhow.

I'll holler in a short while. Do you copy?

Wow, I take it back, you are good.

I take that back, he is good.

Anyway, Frank said, "I'll meet you at Watford Gap services..."

Has Woody spotted our man?

Oh, yeah, big boy, have you eyeballed the target?

If I see anything, I'll drop the hammer, ten four.

Roger that. I'll be on the doughnuts.

That's better.

Oh, sir.

No problem.

Excuse me? I wonder if you can help me.

I'm looking for a policeman.

You lost your mummy?

No, but you're a policeman, right?

Not me.

It's just I was told you were a policeman on a case.

Now listen to me, relax.

You've got the wrong man.

Please leave me alone. Now go.

Woody to Brutus, I think I've found our man, but something's not right.

B? Come in, B.

You've spotted him?

Mark? Where's Brutus?

Gone to get more snacks. Where did you see the man?

He just got in the lift. Looks like he's headed for the roof.

I need to speak to Brutus. Mark? Mark?

Mark? Mark?


Big boy, big boy.

What are you doing?

I found this bar. I'm stocking up on supplies.

I got you a pretzel.

No, you didn't.

No, you're right, they are for me.

B, I think we've been had.

If I'm right, which I am, our hypnotised audience member isn't a hypnotised audience member at all and our hypnotist might not even be a hypnotist.

Follow me? Good. Follow me.

I'll get the pretzels on the way back.

What are you doing? Don't sh**t, don't sh**t.

You're trying to k*ll me.

I've never seen you before in my life.

I have to sh**t you. This is the only way.

Three, two...

Wait, one and three quarters. Listen to me. Listen.

You don't have to sh**t.

I have to stop him.

Whatever you think you're doing here, it's not what you're really doing here.

You don't know who he is.

Who is he?

He's the man I hypnotised.

You think you could hypnotise me, The Astounding Steven?

Who do you think you are?

He thinks he's The Fabulous Mark.

Shut up, I am The Fabulous Mark.

And who are you?

I'm The Remarkable Woody.

Put your hands up, Woody.

The Remarkable Woody, please.

Not now, Remarkable Woody.

And you.

I'm Brutus, by the way, I haven't got an adjective.

Shut up.

Hey, don't be such a chump, hand over the g*n.

I'm not a chump, I'm The Fabulous Mark.

No you're not, you've just been hypnotised to think you're The Fabulous Mark.

Shut up.

Mark. What you doing?

He's got a g*n. Stand back, sweetheart, I'll protect you.

And sleep.

My God, Susan.




What are you doing? He's trying to k*ll me.

No, he isn't. Is he, Janice?

Sorry, is he, Susan?

Mark, listen to me, and sleep.

That's better.

Never hypnotise someone to do a job you can do yourself.

What are you talking about, Susan? What job?


She hypnotised Mark to believe he was a hypnotist who hypnotised you into wanting to k*ll him.

You were about to be sh*t in self-defence.

Me and dozy here were meant to be witnesses.

The only thing I can't work out is why she did it.

But she's no hypnotist, she's my ex-wife.

Ah, and there you have it.

I've become a much better hypnotist than you ever were, Steven.

You'll probably be wanting your ring back.

You're in the guild?

Oh, yes, since you left me for that strumpet.

He has got a name.

I wanted revenge.

I trained as a hypnotist myself so I could commit the perfect m*rder.

Sorry, can I just check, do you mean this m*rder?

Because I'm not sure if perfect is how I would describe it.

I don't think you understand.

When Steven left me, I didn't know what to do and so I relaxed and went into a deep, deep sleep.

And point the g*n at my ex husband, Woody.

And pull the trigger, Woody.

Wait a minute, can't you see what she's trying to do?

Don't listen to her. Listen to me, Woody, relax.

Picture the sea and point the g*n at my ex-wife.

Don't listen to his voice, Woody, listen to my voice.

Pull the trigger, Woody, and then you can sleep.

Don't do it, Woody.

Do it, Woody.

Don't have to, Woody, because Sheila's messing with your mind.

Wake up, you flaming galah.

Sleep, Woody, sleep.

Wake up, Mr Woody. She's messing with your head, Mr Woody.

Wake up, Mr Woody, wake up. Enough!

You can try and get to me, but there's thousands in here ready to take over.

Astounding Steven, Susany Janice, after you.

Can someone wake up old beefy here?

Who's got the pretzels?

What did I miss?

Well, to recap...

♪ Rescue me ♪
♪ Or take me in your arms... ♪

What that Janice did to poor Mark makes me sick.

Either that or it's the four chickens you ate this morning.

Listen, Woodster, between you and me...

Is your massive belly.

I know, it's pressing against my knee.

I don't think this diet's working.

I'm going to ask the Great Fernando for a refund.

Don't worry, B, I bumped into him earlier and I got you your money back.

Nice one. I owe you.

Have this on me.

Yeah, thanks.

Boss! Come quick!

The crazy old man is attacking the crazy old lady.

Help me! Help! Help! Help!

That woman is drowning my wife. I love her.

Get off her. Let her go. Hold your breath, my darling.

Donald, don't worry, honey, I'm here.

Melody? Melody? Melody?

Woody, help!

Zorro, distraction. Trousers.

I love this place.

And sleep.

Hey, come on!

Gameros Casino.

Someone on the inside is on the take.

It's our job to flush them out.

Give me some sugar.

Ba, ba, ba. Di-doo, ba-de-lee-ba.

They say that if I don't pay back within 24 hours, they're going to take my knees away.

Boom. Kick. I am amongst you.

What do I care?

That is Signor Big.


Is she winding me up?

Oh, no, my husband's choking, give him room, he needs air.

Oh, darling, yes.

Don't let me down, Woody.

Don't worry, Mr De Luca, I probably won't.
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