01x08 - Starring Rene Descartes, Adweek and HRH The Princess of Arendelle

[bunniefuu]

♪ Let it glow, let it glow ♪
♪ Can't fold a cr*ck anymore ♪
♪ Let it snow, let it snow ♪
♪ Turn away and slam the floor... ♪

Whoo, slam it!

♪ I don't hear ♪
♪ What they're going to play ♪
♪ The cold never followed me anyway. ♪

(Cheering, applause)

Bravo!

Bravissimo!

All right!

Encore!

Ugh. I am so sick of that movie.

If I hear that song one more time, I'm gonna k*ll myself.

It's a nice song.

Yeah, it's a nice song.

It's a f*cked-up movie.

f*cked up? How the f*ck is it f*cked up?

Uh-oh.

Oh, how is it f*cked up?

Lee: Let me tell you something.

That is the most f*cked-up, destructive movie of maybe the past 50 years.

What?

I'm serious.

This girl is born with this tremendous power, so what do they do?

They lock her ass up.

In a room. By herself. For years.

But get this. She's a princess.

So one day she gets her revenge.

She goes out, she turns that whole village to ice, and then she builds her own palace with her own two hands.

It's awesome!

What a message for little girls.

Then she sings that song from the depths of her liberated soul.

It is time to see what I can do to test the limits and break through.

Let it go. Let it go.

It's amazing, right?

That's where the movie should end.

But how does it end?

Ends with this once strong-willed, free girl using her power to make other people happy.

Oh, here's a new sled for Sven.

I'm gonna build a beautiful fountain for all those f*ckin' townspeople who never gave a sh*t about you when you were locked in a room for 16 f*cking years.

(Sighs)

Snowman was funny. (laughter)

Don't even get me started about "Tangled."

S01E08
Starring Rene Descartes, Adweek and HRH The Princess of Arendelle

♪ If you're happy and you know it, then m*therf*cking show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your m*therf*cking hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! ♪

Man: Aggression. Competition. a**l penetration.

These are just a few of the things corporate America has in common with the hardcore p*rn business.

Love the Keebler stuff.

Oh. I didn't.

Hello.

I'm adult film star James Deen.

What can a p*rn star teach you about success in the business world?

Well, quite a lot, actually.

The adult film industry and corporate America have more in common than you might think.

Join me, James Deen, over the next 30 minutes while I teach you three of my foolproof tips for unparalleled success in p*rn and/or corporate America.

What the f*ck is this?

James: Rule number one: someone is gonna get f*cked.

They moved your office.

They? Who?

They who? Them.

Why?

This is the new ideation room.

This is completely outrageous.

This is bullshit.

They've already moved your desktop to your new office along with your desk.

You have a 10:00 meeting in Kurosawa to review the pitch work, and the army strategy session is in Coen at 2:00.

Cohen. Leonard.

Leonard? Ethan and Joel.

Of course. Of course. Stupid.

Well... (sighs)

I'm not moving. Not moving.

They've put you in Larry's old office.

This is my office.

No. No, it's not.

Now it's the ideation room.

Okay, tell Jonathan I want to speak to him right here right now, or he can shove his f*cking Coke meeting up his f*cking ass.

Julius: ♪ Let it blow, let it blow... ♪

Oh, buddy. Buddy, no. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

♪ Let it go, let it go... ♪

No more singing. We are so late for school.

I love your voice, but we've gotta go.

Julius, now!

Come here. We're too late for this.

Let me get this off.

I wanna wear it!

Fine. Do you have clothes on underneath?

Okay, let's go.

Wait.

What?

I wanna take it off.

Oh, my God!

It's the same thing every morning.

This is getting ridiculous, Julius.

On or off?

On.

Fine. On it is. Let's go.

I asked you so many times.

Mom, why are you always so angry?

I'm not angry, buddy.

I'm just... I'm sick of this.

I'm sorry.

It's just every morning it's the same thing.

Come on.

Okay.

You don't have to take it off.

Jules, you wanna wear it to school, you can.

I don't!

Okay, fine. Let's go.

Yes.

Okay. We'll have it here for you for after school. Put your coat on. All right, let's go.

♪ Go, let it go... ♪

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

♪ Can't hold it back anymore... ♪

(sighs)

Thom: What the f*ck is an ideation room?

It's the Swedes' idea, Thom.

What... oh, so the Swedes had an idea.

Great. Well, you know, someone call "Adweek."

I already did. They're coming by for some photos this afternoon.

What?

"MGT face-lift begins.

Ideation room first of many changes."

Thom, you gotta stop fighting this.

Fighting what?

Progress.

What, made-up rooms for made-up words?

That's progress?

What is the big deal?

Yes, yes. It's shallow and phony. What did you expect?

We traffic in this industry in image and shadows and appearances and illusions.

The fact is, MGT needs to become an industry leader in creative concepting, thought, growth, and ideation.

Why are you talking like this?

I happen to be the leader of this agency.

I love you, I love your talent, but it's my responsibility to make sure that MGT approaches the task of problem solving with innovative, out-of-the-box thinking.

You're doing it again.

Look, you still have an office. It's just smaller.

Well, then, why don't they use your office?

Because the Swedes thought the ideation room should be centrally located.

Your office is the perfect spot.

It's a good idea, Thom.

I think now is a good time to talk about cock.

Whether you're in the jizz biz or the ad biz, the three most important words are cock, cock, and monster cock.

People ask me, "James, what about talent, ability, skill, commitment?

Aren't these things more important than size?"

No, they're not.

Woman: Lee, my favorite parent.

I have a huge favor to ask you.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Adrian was supposed to be lunch mom today, but she caught Alex's cold, and now she's stuck in bed.

Uh, are... are you asking me?

'Cause I haven't been to the studio all week.

So I'm gonna just go to the...

The kids just adore you.

And it would make Julius so happy.

And we could really, really use the help.

What about Willow? Look, she's...

Doctor's appointment.

Sarah?

No car.

January?

She works.

She works? I work.

In an office, I mean. You know, a job job.

A job job?

Hey, you don't have to convince me.

I think making art is a job, too.

Oh, thank you.

It's just... she can get fired, you know.

Please, Lee. Julius would so love it.

He really loses his shyness when you're around.

Fine. Great. Okay.

Yay!

You are such a good mom.

Let's get started.

(Screams)

Woman: I'll tell you what you can do with your stupid time-outs!

You can take 'em and shove 'em up your ass, lady, you f*cking bitch!

(screams)

(sobbing)

(shouting)

♪ Don't let the bastards grind you down ♪
♪ Don't let them grind you down... ♪

Thom: Misery, suffering, agony, death... everyone is angry.

Everyone is dissatisfied.

And so we ask you, who is the real rebel?

The angry man or the happy one?

Coke. Fight the glower.

So?

I feel that, yo.

Thanks, Atomic.

I like the, uh... the line.

Uh, okay, look.

A more comfortable way into radical happiness would be to have happy people doing happy things, but this, I think... you know, I think audiences are ready for a more honest approach.

You say to people, "Yes, you're angry.

We're all angry.

But you don't have to be.

You can take a break from your anger and have a Coke."

Well, not everyone is as angry as you, Thom.

Well, you're about twice as angry as me, so...

f*ck you, Thom.

There it is.

I agree with Thom. People are angry.

All the research proves that.

I just don't know if anyone wants to admit that they're angry.

People like to think that they're happy.

Mm, even when they're not.

Especially when they're not.

The angrier they feel, the happier they insist they are.

I think it's... it's powerful.

It's thought-provoking.

Well, it's just a... an ideation.

Gottfrid?

Uh, yeah.

Me and Gustaff went about this a bit of a different way.

Um, they want a campaign.

Fine, but what if instead of a campaign of commercials, of sales pitches and product attributes, of intrusion, really... what if we just created... moments?

Moments.

Moments.

I mean, we don't need stories anymore.

We live in a post-story society.

We have Vines and Instagrams and, you know, YouTube fail videos.

We collect and share moments, so let's make Coca-Cola moments.

Of peace, of happiness.

I mean, everyone talks about disruption marketing... excuse me, Thom.

But who wants to be disrupted?

We want to be comforted, consoled.

Consolation marketing... that is the future. (snaps fingers)

We don't want to see bombs and, you know, riot police.

What we want are puppies.

♪ Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows... ♪

(staff laughing, cooing)

♪ Everything that's wonderful ♪
♪ Is what I feel when we're together ♪
♪ Brighter than a lucky penny when you're near the... ♪

Gottfrid: Moment of happiness 17 brought to you by the Coca-Cola Company.

Happiness... always within reach.

(applause)

Something like that.

I'm happier already.

You know, 18... kittens. And 22... babies.

Did you ever see that monkey snuggling the dog video?

We should see if #yourmomentofhappiness is available.

It's a big opportunity.

(all talking)

Thom.

Hi.

I just wanted to apologize.

You know.

Oh.

I mean, personally, we think it's a bit ridiculous.

I mean, an ideation room?

My God.

I mean, if you're going to ideate, you have to have an agency designed around ideating.

You can't just ideate in any little room, you know.

So, I thought the ideation room was your idea.

We would never ideate such a thing as an ideation room.

Right. No, the room, it's ridiculous.

I mean, frankly, we think it's a bit pathetic.

So whose idea was it?

Gottfrid: Jonathan.

Jonathan?

Yeah.

We expected more of him, too.

Jonathan?

I don't know.

I guess he felt like he needed to do something for himself, to stay relevant or something.

Anyways, I just want you to know I think it's awful that he threw you out of your office.

I mean, that was very disrespectful.

Sorry, man.

Uh, well, I appreciate it.

Yeah.

James: Bondage. Whipping. Fisting.

Double penetration or good, old-fashioned one-on-one missionary.

Doesn't matter.

p*rn and/or corporate America rule number two... even when it's not about dominance and submission, it's about dominance and submission.

Children: ♪ I don't care ♪
♪ What they're going to say ♪
♪ Let the storm rage on ♪
♪ The cold never bothered me anyway. ♪

Oh, that was awesome, you guys.

It was great the first five times, too.

So, um, why don't we stop singing and start eating, okay?

I'm Elsa, and I froze you.

Ugh. Uh-oh.

Guess I'm gonna have to lock you in your room for your whole freakin' childhood. (mock laughs)

Children: ♪ It's funny how bug sister's ♪
♪ Makes everything a ball... ♪

This is t*rture.

Hey, Lee.

Oh, hey, Sandy. Hi, Lola.

Lola had a question for you.

Oh, sure, sh**t.

Go ahead, Lol.

Can I have a playdate with Julius today?

Today?

Thom: And I'll tell you something else, assh*le.

I'm staying here.

You know, if you want an ideation room, have it in your office.

"Adweek" can photograph my ass.

"Epiphanies are orgasms of the mind."

f*ck off. 20 years.

20 years I've known you in this bullshit industry, and you've never once lied to me.

Thom.

Or I don't know. Maybe you have.

I don't know anymore.

"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."

It's like a... it's like a cult.

It's a f*cking cult of gibberish.

This is what it's come down to.

You screw me and then lie about it afterwards.

What is it, Jonathan? Are you that desperate? Are you that scared?

Yes! Yes! I am!

This tyranny of youth.

I created this with my own hands.

I built the temples.

I taught 'em all how to pray.

But I never in my wildest dreams imagined that it would go this far.

I'm telling you, if a 25-year-old walked into that boardroom upstairs and suggested that it would be off the hook if they all k*lled themselves, they'd all have nooses around their necks by the time his presentation was over.

Have you heard Gustaff's plan for the office?

Have you heard it? You know what it is?

Nothing. That's the plan.

Nothing. No walls, no doors, no hallways.

They want to spend $5 million removing the $10 million that we put into this place three years ago, and the board couldn't approve it fast enough.

I fought 'em tooth and nail, but they rolled their eyes, scowled, and reminded me this is a youth-driven business.

It was a room full of f*cking 70-year-olds, by the way.

I'm sorry.

I'm scared.

I'm... I'm... baffled.

This is a level of asinine even I can't understand.

You know, we're glad to hear you admit that, Jonathan.

Oh, Jesus.

It's important for a man to know his, uh, limitations.

We're having a private conversation.

It's the ideation room, Thom.

Gottfrid, you seem perturbed.

I can almost detect a wrinkle in your forehead.

Yeah, well, I get a little perturbed when "Adweek" is invited into my agency...

Your agency?

My agency.

Let us finish our conversation.

You would not be in this f*cking building...

This was my office. My office!

(All shouting)

You sh*t your f*cking brains all over it.

(Shouting continues)

Gottfrid: What?

Jonathan: Who are you?

Uh, I'm looking for Jonathan Berg.

That's me.

I'm from "Adweek." I'm here to take some photos.

Both: Hey!

Jonathan: How are you?

Just spitballing a bit.

Welcome to my ideation room.

We're just... we're ideating.

Ideating.

My final rule?

Well, that's something you learn on your first p*rn set when you look down at that girl and she's covered in come, smiling and rubbing it in like it's the sweet elixir of life.

Thom?

Thom. Please?

Is there a problem?

Jonathan: No, no, no, no.

Photographer: And...

(Jonathan laughs)

You have to pretend that you love it.

One, two, three.

Ideation! (laughs)

Children: ♪ Let it throw ♪

♪ The ball never followed me anyway. ♪

Whoo! Yay.

All right. Okay, guys. That was awesome.

♪ It's funny how some days... ♪

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

♪ And fears that once controlled me ♪
♪ Can't get to me at all ♪
♪ Let it throw, let it throw, the ball... ♪

(door opens)

Is that weed?

Uh, yeah.

Do I have to bring my own, or...?

(Sighs)

Kids okay?

Who gives a f*ck?

(Both laughing)

You know, that field trip on Monday, school concert on Tuesday, lunch mom today... it's way too much mothering this week.

I'm mothered out.

Mother... f*cked.

Tell me about it.

Every afternoon around 3:00, I wanna tear my uterus out and b*at it with a stick.

Ugh.

(laughs)

Pam told me that January has a real job.

That's why she asked me to cover lunch mom.

Ouch.

Yeah.

Because somehow spending your time in a studio, trying to express your truth, making art out of your pain and your humanness, your fear, that's not a real job.

But accounting, that's a real job.

Can't interrupt that. God forbid.

At least you got art.

I got nothing.

I'm just a mom.

(Exhales)

Mm-mm.

I once told them I was getting a mammogram.

To get out of being a lunch mom?

Wait a minute.

You said that you were getting a mammogram to get out of lunch mom?

Yeah.

That is so awesome.

I was gonna say mastectomy, but I didn't think they'd believe me.

Well, that's an excuse that you can only use a couple times.

I remember when I first had Jules.

The first night in the birthing center...

(laughs) and he starts crying.

And we have no idea what to do.

So I run over to the nursing station, and there's three of them.

It's, like, 2:00 in the morning.

I'm like, "Hey, what's the deal with a baby crying?

Do you pick 'em up or let 'em cry or what?"

Right.

And the middle one goes, "Oh, no.

You never let baby cry."

I hate that sh*t.

And then I was like, "Oh, really?

You never let baby cry?"

And she was like, "Uh-uh.

In fact, I let my daughter sleep in my bed until she was 12 years old."

Oh, come on.

And then the other nurse was like, "Yeah, me, too."

And then the third nurse was like, "Yep."

And I was like, "Wow.

How did your husbands feel about that?"

And the one nurse goes, "Oh, we got divorced three years ago."

Because divorce is great for baby.

Baby loves divorce.

It's ridiculous, because you're not a parent; you're a person who happens to be a parent.

Yes.

You see what I'm saying?

Yes!

Right?

Told my shrink that I feel bad because being a mother isn't enough.

Uh-oh. What'd he say?

He told me to try Lexapro.

Mine said Prozac.

Oh, see?

That's why we're high on pot.

Yeah, well, f*ck it.

Whatever gets you through the day, you know?

Hear, hear.

Yeah, right.

Mm.

Mm.

Kids, who wants to bake brownies?

Children: Yay!

Whoo-hoo!

Don't be too angry with Jonathan.

(Sighs)

Something changed between us today.

It's... it's... it's just different.

There was this p*rn star a while back.

Tested positive for an STD.

You know what he did?

Nope.

He lied about it.

Faked his test results. Kept on working.

What an assh*le.

You know why he did it?

Because he's an assh*le?

No doubt.

Lie about an STD test, you're on the sh*t list for life.

But that got me thinking. We're born against our will.

Oftentimes we die the same way.

Between that, we gotta find food, shelter, clothing.

Surviving in this world is f*ckin' ugly.

Mm.

That's what Jonathan's doing.

He's surviving.

Nobody said it was gonna be pretty.

(Sighs)

(owl hooting)

An ideation room?

An ideation room.

Ugh.

Contemplation corner.

Yeah, well, you know, to be fair, it helps with the "au-think-ification."

Ah, I see. With your "conceptitudes."

"Go-f*ck-yourself-itation."

(laughs) That's gold.

Is Jules still watching "Frozen"?

Mm-hmm.

It's dazzling fun for the whole family.

It says it on the DVD.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe... maybe not the whole family.

Ugh.

They should have alternate endings for the parents that have had to sit through it a thousand times.

Like, movie ends, Anna and Elsa hug, you know, everything's beautiful in Arendelle, and then Olaf just grabs a g*n and just sh**t everybody.

It just... it's a bloodbath.

Kills all of them.

Ugh. God.

Pot and booze.

Are we terrible parents?

Whatever gets you through the day.

Ah.

(Wind howling)

♪ The snow around me on this mountaintop ♪
♪ Is a lazy metaphor ♪
♪ I hated "Tangled" and that mermaid one ♪
♪ But I hated "Frozen" even more ♪
♪ It's not the story, the characters or theme ♪
♪ It's the simplistic answers that make me want to scream... ♪

(Gasps)

♪ Elsa decides that she'll be free ♪
♪ Bitch, it ain't that easy ♪
♪ Some of us need more than hugs ♪
♪ Some of us, well, we need dr*gs ♪
♪ Lexapro, Lexapro ♪
♪ Two pills a day, no more ♪
♪ Lexapro, Lexapro ♪
♪ May cause diarrhea, gas, and more ♪
♪ I don't care what the warning labels say ♪
♪ I'll take it with food ♪
♪ 'Cause side effects ♪
♪ Never bothered me anyway ♪
♪ "Fake joy beats real sadness" ♪
♪ Said Rene Descartes ♪
♪ He must've met my mother ♪
♪ What's frozen is her heart... ♪

You think some pills will stop a holocaust?

♪ It's time to see what pills can do ♪
♪ To chemically change my point of view ♪
♪ Just ask my pharmacist, you'll see ♪
♪ I'm free... ♪

Oh! Aah!

♪ Lexapro, Lexapro ♪
♪ Two pills a day, no more ♪
♪ Lexapro, Lexapro ♪
♪ May cause diarrhea, gas, and more ♪
♪ I don't care what the warning labels say ♪
♪ I'll take it with food... ♪

Side effects never bothered me anyway.