02x03 - Diversity

[bunniefuu]

You tell me. I thought you'd invited me to discuss "us". Are you cross?

The idea of an "us" has never been further away.

You ARE cross.

You tell me what you think you've done wrong.

Well, I went down that alleyway behind the Co-op once, cos someone told me there were some jazz mags there, but that was in the '80s.

This is serious!

There's been a complaint.

What did you do while you were invigilating the science GCSE exam last week?

Nothing. I mean...

I had a couple of games of Camp Aisle. Right, what's Camp Aisle?

You know, Camp Aisle!

Me and Dave from English invented it. You take it in turns to...

"Mince up and down between the rows of desks in an incrementally camp manner whilst stifling giggles."

It's not just me. Well, you were the one who was seen.

That's cos I'm the best!

It's offensive and it's offended the gay... person who's complained.

What?!

June Telford from Science?

She's not gay!

"The '60s were a cock harvest, Dan."

Her words.

It's a pupil.

There's a gay kid in Year 10?

Brilliant! Who is it?

I won't be naming names!

Well, do they do drama?

No.

Well, why not?! I need those guys!

What?!

Come on... gays improve plays.

You haven't got a clue, have you?

Welcome to your weekend, Dan.

Well, if it's getting to the point it's affecting your squash game, you know you need to get that knee sorted.

Yeah. Barbara b*at you, didn't she?

I was very tired that day. And I think Barbara would be the first to admit that her service is borderline illegal.

Well, I don't blame you, Brian.

Hospital is amazing.

You've got a telly, him over there.

You've got free magazines, satsumas!

I wish I had a dodgy knee.

I have a business to run, Jo.

This is no holiday.

What do you think Magda and I are doing down the salon?

Celebrity Fusions is tough.

Jo, for the last time, nobody wants two celebrity looks on their face simultaneously.

It's a business disaster!

Sorry, Brian, I'm not being funny, but, um, why don't you just stick to what you do?

What, like advise small businesses?

Unbelievable! She's sending me on a diversity course.

"Hello, Brian. Sorry I'm really late.

Nervous about your operation?"

"Can I have one of your satsumas, Brian?"

She said I was h*m*.

Me, h*m*?

I wish I was gay.

I've told you that.

They're all out having the time of their lives.

What are we doing? Sitting at home complaining about milk!

As soon as I find a man I fancy, I'll make him the future Mr Davies.

Presuming he's happy to take your name.

She said I was a dinosaur!

You're not a dinosaur, Dan.

I've seen pictures - they're f*cking massive!

If anything, it's h*m* to suggest that all gay people are camp.

You've met Simon from the White Lion. He walks like RoboCop!

Would anyone here care to talk about my forthcoming operation?

Now, I'm spending my Saturday with a name badge on, tossing a ball around the room.

"Hello, everyone, my name's Dan and I like pasta."

Visiting hours are up.

So if you wouldn't mind...

That's fine.

And can I just say, I don't think you are paid enough.

All women should be paid more.

Except those who are tossing around in someone else's beauty salon.

Barbara, you should come down the salon.

I could do you a Rihannie Lennox.

"Good luck with the operation, Brian."

Bit of a handful, that lot.

Gosh, yes.

The wife seems nice and quiet, though.

Barbara? Oh, oh, no.

God, no! Barbara's not my wife.

No, my family are up in Leith, for a whole week.

I miss 'em like hell.

I mean, it's just common sense, this.

OK, oi, oi, stop that.

What?

No more cleaning for you.

I like cleaning.

No, you don't, you've been brainwashed, it says here.

I've not been brainwashed.

It's lovely when everything's all spick and span.

Look, old woman, if I tick enough of these off, I'll get away from the course early.

So I've just challenged a gender role, so no more cleaning for you - tick.

Ah, Polly, can you... can you help me get rid of this stain?

f*ck me, half a car wash.

Yes, I don't expect you to know anything about traditional English festivals.

You're a sl*ve to technology and p*rn.

I'm surprised you haven't rubbed your front tail off! Now, Polly...

This stain, can you help?

No, she can't!

Daniel says I'm not to clean any more. He's on a course.

Your mother is made happy by manual labour. She is a woman.

That is an archaic view and I'm challenging it.

Besides, I've ticked the box now, so there's no going back.

No more cleaning.

And anyway, you're a woman too.

I'm more of a man than you'll ever be!

I ran the farm for 30 years after Bertie d*ed. I evolved.

I haven't had a sit down wee since 1978. Ugh!

But your mother's role is more traditional.

Things have moved on, Nesta.

Who's going to do it, then?

Somebody's got to, since Mrs Wigmore mysteriously resigned.

Why did Wigmore resign?

It doesn't matter why Mrs Wigmore resigned.

The point is, Mum's not cleaning any more.

The boy's gone q*eer, Polly.

Er...

"The boy has gone strange."

Please, Nesta.

It's a piece of piss, this.

Tick.

We'll just let the hair set, Mrs Williams.

And then, you can look at the new you.

We can't keep doing for free.

All right, Magda!

We'll start charging soon.

We need to get the portfolio finished. Where are we?

So... so far, we've got the Halle Lulu - Halle Berry and Lulu.

Amazing.

Liv and Let Dido - Liv Tyler, Dido.

Brave.

f*cking brave.

Oh, lovely lips you've done there.

So thin. Who was this?

Duchess of Cambridge, Malcolm X.

The Malcolm in the Middleton.

This one is gonna be so popular.

So brave.

You've said that.

Over here, we have another classic.

You said it wasn't possible to combine Beyonce and Liza Minnelli.

I was Doubting Thomas.

Yes!

Behold... the Beyonzelli!

It's beautiful!

I only came in for a cut and set.

Ssh!

And I just realised I'd presumed that about her just because she was from Ireland.

I-I felt... really ashamed.

Well, I think you're being a little harsh on yourself.

The Irish do pride themselves on their drink.

Er, Dan?

Oh, yes. Thank you. Hello, I'm Dan.

I found the pamphlet incredibly useful as well.

I probably don't need to do the whole day, because... I've already stopped my mum from doing housework.

Wow, there's a quick response.

She's been a sl*ve too long, guys, so I'm gonna get her a cleaner.

Oh, good, so another poor woman gets to do all the work.

What? It could sound like you've rather transferred the problem there, Dan.

Can I throw this now, or what?

Well, I think that we're gonna have a great day, guys.

Now, your employers would've sent you here for a variety of reasons.

I know some of you are in coordinator roles and some of you, dare I say, need to sharpen up on your attitudes a little.

Whatever the reason, I will try my best not to make the world of diversity awareness seem too boring. Ha-ha!

So, this afternoon, we'll actually be going out into the community to meet people from all different backgrounds.

But, what I want to do first, little energizer everyone, on your feet.

Now, what I want you to do is find yourself a diversity buddy.

Now, that's someone you feel is from a very different background to you.

There you go.

Hi...

Hello, I'm Dan.

Teggun.

Sorry?

Teggun!

Right. No English at all, eh?

Teggun.

Well, nice to meet you.

Ah...

False hand, eh?

Yep!

I anticipate the operation going smoothly, Mr Ames, but we may have to break the bone to reset it again, so that could mean an extra couple of weeks, I'm afraid.

Well, Doctor, if it's a break I need, it's a break I need.

And next up, a double bill of Britain's Greatest Steam Engines, presented by Katie Deraway.

Mmm!

Right, time's up.

So, let's pop around the room and hear about your chats.

Now, I want to hear a few things about your partner, but remember...

OK?

Do you want to start?

Right, well, er, this is Sue.

She has three daughters, who she loves very much, almost as much as she loves Aston Villa Football Club.

And she dreams of walking up Machu Picchu one day.

Don't we all?

Er, Dan, two things about your partner, please.

Oh... Oh, no, I don't think I can, so if you'd like to...

Come on, don't be shy. We'll all have to talk over the course of the day.

OK.

Um, she's not English.

Ah, ah, ah!

No referencing backgrounds, remember?

Yeah, but I...

Please.

I don't really know anything.

You've been chatting for 15 minutes.

Yeah, but...

Dan, please!

So... this is Teggun.

And, honestly...

I think there's something wrong with her.

So, whilst it is important to be open and direct, it's also important to be aware of the impact that we can have on other people from different groups.

I'm sure you'll get the hang of it when we start working through...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if I tick all these off, will I get a certificate, cos I've ploughed through quite a few of these already?

Right, it's not just about ticking things off.

It's about reaching a new level of awareness, as I think your little cleaner story demonstrated. OK. I can do that.

And it's great that you want to.

Oh, God, I do!

If I nail this, me and my boss will be in and out of each other like a set of Russian dolls.

And I'll have embraced diversity.

See you after lunch, Dan.

I think we're really on to something here.

Mm-hm. It's our bravest look yet.

I'll put some more shade on the chin. No, I do bottom half.

I decide.

No, you do eyes and hair.

It's agreement.

All right, Magda!

If you want this business to work, you need to be more flexible.

All right, Dan? How's the course?

It's a waste of taxpayers' money, that's what it is.

f*ck! Right?!

I mean, it's hard enough getting Chairman Mao's look right.

Combine that with Samantha from Sex And The City, or, as we like to call it, Chamantha Mao.

From Sex And City.

Bold! So bold.

I mean, you're lunatics.

What's he f*cking laughing at?

Ignore him, Shakira, you look great.

Bob? Not Bob.

Bob! No, Shakira!

You've got to get used to it!

Business going well?

Yes, it's good.

So this one's called the Jesus To A Chiles.

Hmm.

Magda, I shouldn't ask this, I suppose, but is there really a woman that's going to want Adrian Chiles and Christ combined on their face?

Yes! All women like make-up. Do they?

Or are women doing it for men?

My husband like make-up.

I'll bet he does.

Probably because he is... seeking to objectify you.

Oh, Magda!

You don't need make-up!

You're beautiful without it.

Am I?

Probably.

Now, come on, let's get all this muck off your face.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah. No, it was good, yeah.

It was totally clean. I promise you, I've never left an 'ouse so clean.

It was a proper good job, yeah.

That's because I'm the best, aren't I?

Excuse me...

How long have you been a cleaner, Scott?

Donkey's years.

He's done it for ages.

He doesn't look like a bloody chambermaid.

It's not 1913!

Get off to your festival of bumpkin, you!

Go and throw some seeds in a kid's face!

What would you use to clean glass, Scott?

Well, um...

Just use an old avocado. He uses an avocado, he's old-school.

That would smear, surely.

This is horse sh*t!

He's not a cleaner!

What, because he's a man?!

It is the 21st century, old woman. Right, Scott?

Yeah. Right.

And you do ironing?

Of course he does ironing!

Oh, f*ck, yeah. See?

What's the biggest thing you've ever ironed, Scott?

Um, I ironed a windsock once.

He ironed a windsock once. And they're massive, aren't they?

It was a windsock, was it?

Yeah. Yeah.

Right, if you'll forgive me, I've got to go and finish my course now.

Very disappointed in you two, actually.

A windsock!

Where do you want me to start?

And when you start to see things through that prism, you start to question...

He's a man!

Sorry?

My mum's new cleaner, he is male.

Oh! Weren't expecting that, were we, Sue?

See what I do? I challenge. I adapt.

You're all seeing that now.

Teggun!

Thank you, Teggun.

OK. Thank you for that, Dan.

So, this afternoon, in your pairs, we're going to be building a tower.

What? Not with cards?

It's just a little trust exercise.

Teggun can't build a card tower!

Oh, come on!

What's she going to use, this?

Oh, God!

It's about finding a balance, Dan!

Making Teggun feel like she can't take part like that!

Mate, she's got a false hand.

She's physically challenged, yes!

But that doesn't mean you exclude her, you adapt to her company!

Mate, I'm just being practical.

We've all got our limits.

Teggun can no more build a card tower than I can wear a dwarf's... tabard?

Right, I think that's it.

I think we've reached the end of the road, Dan.

David? What about the community interviews?

Oh!

Teggun, what are you doing here?

I've been kicked off the course.

Go and work with Sue and Naz.

I don't want you to fail because of me.

Teggun.

What are you trying to say?

Teeeeggggguuuuun.

You're right, I shouldn't give up.

If it's a guest he wants, it's a guest he'll get.

Teggun!

Exactly.

Nesta, it-it's me.

I'm sorry to call you.

It's that cleaner Daniel got me.

He's taken everything!

That bloody fool!

Leave it with me, Polly.

I'll turn back now.

Thank you.

Oh!

Yeah, must be nice to get a bit of fresh air, isn't it, mate?

Where are you taking me?

I'm meant to be resting.

Well... I just thought we could pop out for a little bit.

Maybe we could go to my diversity course.

What?! I've got a backless gown on.

Argh! Argh!

Oh, dear, does that hurt?

Here, let's give you some morphine.

There.

No, it's meant to be self-regulating. Argh!

You're clearly in pain, aren't you? Take me back!

There.

Let's pop him in.

Beugh! There's a good boy.

David's going to love this. Teggun, we've hit the diversity mother lode.

Teggun!

Put the big glove on!

We were just driving to my local park and this lady was in tears on a bench.

But Naz and I spoke to her and... I wouldn't have normally.

Anyway, it turns out she's been kicked out by her husband.

She'd only popped back to get some more cleanser and he threw her out.

My husband say he don't like me with no make-up.

Aww!

He say my face look like bread.

I like make-up.

And why shouldn't you?

Because my friend's friend said it made me slut for men.

I'm back!

David, I know I've been kicked off the course, but I think you're going to love this.

This is my friend Brian and he's in a wheelchair.

That's him!

That's the man!

Magda? What are you doing here?

He is the one who forced me, it's all his fault!

Yet again, Dan, you seem to have misinterpreted the course.

No, I haven't, I'm nailing it.

I've got a disabled friend.

He's not disabled, he's clearly coming round from an operation.

He is disabled, and he's gay, which is fine, and also, he's a mute since birth.

So you're prejudiced.

Choo-choo, move along the garden.

He's not mute! He just said,

"Choo-choo, move along the garden."

My husband kick me out and you destroy my business!

I was liberating you.

And you haven't got a business, you f*cking nutter!

Oh, my...

Excuse me, are you Dan Davies?

Yes. Your aunt's here.

What?

I really need to go home.

I can't let you go with half a Slim Shady Gaga, Mrs Thompson.

My business partner hasn't shown up.

I only wanted a cut and set.

Ssh! I'll give her another try.

Magda? Where the hell are you?

Are you crying?

What?

He said what?

Nesta, I don't have time for this! I'm...

You bloody fool!

Oh my...!

What have you done?

What have I done?

You rotter.

You have hired a gangster to clean your mother's house.

I am supposed to be dancing a jig at the Banbury Folk Festival, not dealing with naughty boys.

Nesta, you have to get out of here.

They won't understand this.

No-one would understand this!

Understand what?

Well, this!

This is a Banbury tradition.

Now, I am going to see your mother and you are coming with me.

You go, I'm just going to go and get my certificate, OK?

And then we'll...

Daniel... you can decide how, but one way or another, you are coming with me.

OK, guys, all right, let's take it down a bit...

Oh, my God!

Arrgh!

Oh, he's a brave little boy, putting up a fight.

Nesta, please!

Dan, for God's sake, stop this!

I can get you help.

f*ck off, David, she started it.

Why, there's no-one he doesn't hate!

Leave her alone. Victim!

I live with her.

Domestic v*olence!

Victim!

Your mum's house has been totally emptied, you fool!

Victim! Dan!

Dan! This is all your fault!

He's beaten up another old woman.

Victims! Plural!

Victim!

No, it's make-up.

You don't like women wearing make-up.

Victim!

Please stop shouting "victim".

This is a misunderstanding.

Oh, Nesta, that's him.

The male cleaner.

That's the man who took all my mum's stuff.

Trying to get other people to do time for him.

Victim! Oi! Oi!

You're not going anywhere, you sick bastard!

Please, oi!

Teggun!

David, you wanted to know two things about my partner.

That is Teggun, she is fiercely loyal, and as it turns out, a f*cking good throw.

Now, can I have my certificate, please?!

Victim!

Lovely lines, confident stride from Davies here.

The big man focused, finding his groove early on.

Now then, what's he got for us here?

Oh, my goodness!

What's this?

He's going for it, it's a full hip swivel!

This is going to break records!

This might be one of the most flamboyant aisle walks I've ever seen!

The old master back at the top of his game!