Well, kitchen is clean.
(Yawns) I'm tired.
Ooh, I'm not.
Yeah, me neither.
My yawning was code for let's get upstairs.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm hosting book club tomorrow. I've got to finish this.
Didn't you already read that book?
Yeah, twice.
You really need to read Lovers In Bondage more than once?
What part of that book was unclear? I mean...
He delivers the pizza, she doesn't have enough money to pay for it, they work something out.
Ha ha, get all your snarky comments out now.
One of the girls of our book club knows the author.
Noelle Devereux is gonna be in our house tomorrow night.
(Gasps)
She's gonna be here in our house?
Is she gonna be doing a Q&A or is she just gonna be explaining in vivid detail how to put a cue...
In an A?
Lovers In Bondage is only the best-selling book in this genre since 50 Shades of Grey. So before you judge it, you might want to read it.
May I? Mind if I just take a quick look?
Let's see here.
"As Derek expertly nibbled my belly button, my eyes rolled back in my head."
Sounds like The Exorcist.
Sure, it's easy to make fun if you take one sentence out of context.
You're right, honey. That was probably just an isolated incident.
Let's see here.
(Hums)
Ah...
All right. "Derek never earned his wings at flight school, but clearly he was an experienced bush pilot."
Oh, honey, come back! Wait, I have to know how the book ends now!
(Theme music playing)
- ♪ It's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck with me ♪
McKenna.
Call me "Cassandra."
Oh, right. You're staying in character 24 hours a day, but you know, this is just a meeting between the filmmakers.
We don't need any actors until we sh**t tomorrow.
Zander: Hey, babe, Lennox is on her way over.
And just to remind you she doesn't know we're seeing each other, I'm just waiting for the right moment to tell her.
'Cause I really don't think she'll be...
Hi, Lennox.
Guess what?
Oh, I don't know. You two are seeing each other?
Yes. I was just waiting for the right moment for you to overhear that. (Nervous laugh)
And you thought this might get awkward.
Zander is so unprofessional!
He's dating the girl who plays Cassandra.
And that's a problem because...
The character's based on me.
I mean, it's so obvious what he's doing.
Absolutely.
No, I'm lost.
He had no interest in her when she was just a ditzy cheerleader.
Once I taught her to be like me...
She's even wearing my clothes...
Zander totally fell for her.
Oh, I get it. You want to get back together with Zander.
No. I do not have feelings for him at all.
That's why I don't want him going out with me.
Through her. While she's being me.
I bet he even thinks about her when they're... (Gags)
You know, the same exact thing happened in this Noelle Devereux novel.
The main character Dominique ties up her houseboy Enrico and she will only feed him if he gives her sexual favors.
How is that like what I said?
Yeah, it's not.
I just really love talking about this book.
This is the first time everyone in the book club has read the whole book.
When I read your book, I thought my water broke, but it turns out I was just really turned on.
Thank you for that image, Nancy.
I'm gonna put that quote on the back of my next book.
So was Dominique based on you?
Well, they say write what you know, however, I know a few more knots than Dominique.
Hey, Joe.
Hey.
Uh, it's book club night, remember?
Oh, yeah, I forgot. You know why, honey?
Because the neon "Adult Bookstore" sign outside wasn't lit up.
Because my book's just smut, right?
You know, if the leather mask fits.
Noelle, this is my husband, Joe, who was just leaving.
Yeah.
Wait. Don't run off.
Have you read my work?
Trust me, I've... I've read enough.
Well, what didn't you like?
You can tell me. I'm not easily offended.
Nope. I'm married enough to know I've got nothing to say.
(Chuckles) Men.
See? I was respectful to your guest.
Thank you.
No matter what kind of crap she writes.
You know, I've figured it out.
It's not that you don't like Noelle's books.
It's that you don't get it.
Oh no, honey, I get it.
I get that it's thinly-veiled, poorly-written ladyporn.
The only reason that hack is writing this one-handed literature is because she's not talented enough to cut it... Hi!
You know, Joe has some strong feelings about...
J.K. Rowling.
Yes, the Harry Potter books are just thinly-veiled poorly written ladyporn.
We all know what those magic wands really symbolize.
(Forced laughter)
Magic... (Forced chuckle)
Can I help you find something?
I just need a quiet place to make a quick call.
Right through there.
Great. Now she's gonna tell the whole book club what you said and then they're gonna shun me.
They're gonna shun me hard.
You have to apologize to her.
Okay, fine.
It went to voicemail.
Can you believe how sober everybody is today?
I am gonna fix that right now.
So, um, Noelle...
So, look, what I was saying...
About J.K. Rowling?
Yes, yes.
That was really not meant for you to hear and...
I'm very sorry.
No you're not.
In fact, tell me more.
What?
I get fawned over everywhere I go.
I never know if anyone's ever being honest.
And frankly, hearing negative things about my book really turns me on.
Come again?
Tell me it's crap. Tell me that I can't write.
Yeah.
Tell me that with every keystroke, I degrade myself.
Maybe I could just write you a one-star review online somewhere or something.
No, Joe.
Tell me to my face.
Yeah. (Laughs)
Look into my eyes and tell me that I'm a bad, bad writer.
My wife's having her book club like 10 feet from here.
Right, of course.
Yeah. What are you...
In case you want to criticize me later.
I would enjoy your penetrating insight.
Cheese and crackers? (Forced laugh)
What?
Cheese and crackers.
For the ladies. To go with the wine.
All right, so this is the first time that we see Cassandra in the movie, instead of just finding her there blogging, boring, what if Sam uses this scooter to do, like, a cool Dolly sh*t, so we see her whole apartment and we discover her there?
Yeah, that a much more exciting way to meet her.
Good idea, Zander.
It was my idea.
Really?
Well, you know, it's...
It's not about the credit, right?
It's about the good idea.
You're right.
But it was my idea.
Okay, Zander, look, I think I know why you want to use McKenna's idea.
'Cause is the best thing for the film.
No, because you want to get in her pants.
Which are my pants, by the way.
Hey, can we start sh**ting?
I got to get my grandma's scooter back real soon.
I just noticed her oxygen t*nk's attached.
Okay, yeah.
We should go.
Hey, I really appreciate you apologizing to Noelle for me.
Yeah, well, you asked me to apologize, so, you know, that's what I did.
So how did she react? Was she open to what you had to say?
Yeah, she was... She was open.
Um, wide open, actually.
What does that mean?
Honey, she...
She didn't care about my apology, okay?
My... my insults turned her on.
Truth is...
Your dirty little book friend hit on me.
Oh, please. You think every woman's hitting on you.
It's my burden. I mean...
You think I'm irresistible by choice?
Uh, I think you're trying to distract from the real issue.
Reading about women as powerful as Noelle's characters makes you a little squirmy.
I think you have to admit that this is one area of the bedroom where you're not as liberated as you think you are.
Please, I am insanely comfortable in every area of the bedroom.
Except if a woman is in charge there.
I'm telling you, Noelle hit on me. You know what? I'll prove it to you. Hold on a second.
Wait, wait. Hold on.
Look at that. She gave me her business card. See that? Look.
Oh. Well, I guess that proves that she wants me too.
She left a whole pile of them on the table which clearly means Noelle also wants to get busy with the table.
From what I read in the book, anything with legs is fair game.
So if Sam starts the sh*t on the poster behind the bed.
It'll foreshadow what's gonna happen.
Yeah, that'll be cool.
Wait. Where did this idea come from?
Why? Do you like the idea or not?
I want to know whose it was.
Was it yours, McKenna?
McKenna.
Who is this McKenna?
Was it yours, Cassandra?
Oh, you're talking to me.
No.
Oh, then whose idea was it?
Mine. Please don't fire me.
No, a foreshadowing poster. I like it.
I just wanted to know who to thank. Thanks, Sam.
(Cell phone chimes)
Oh crap. Rory's not coming. He's got mono again.
We gotta sh**t the one-night stand scene tonight and we don't have another actor to play the guy that Cassandra hooks up with.
I will do it.
I know who we could get. Zander.
We've kind of rehearsed this the past few days.
Plus he's the only guy here.
Hey.
You know what? I'll just have to do it.
It's what's best for the film.
Well, aren't you a hero?
Yo.
Pick which tie you like.
For what?
I'm gonna show you that I'm not threatened by a woman in control.
So go ahead, tie me up.
I can do that. Hey, wait.
These are Ryder's ties.
Yeah. No matter how good the sex is, I'm not gonna ruin a $300 tie, sweetie.
All right.
There. Now you're my prisoner.
Yeah. So, look, um...
Maybe instead of reading all that erotica you should try picking up a boy scout manual.
Well, I can do better?
You can do better? Show me. Show me.
What do you got? Ooh, this is tight.
There you go.
Nice.
So, look, honey...
If you ever actually do get me tied up, what are you planning on doing with me?
I don't know. What do you want me to do to you?
You know, honey, I'm not really sure if you're clear on the role of the dominatrix.
The way it works is that the dominatrix...
(Muffled grunt)
I've been wanting to do that for four years.
So, listen...
Who are you? Houdini?
No, it's just that...
Look, I've been doing some thinking, and I think that maybe we need to bring someone else into the bedroom to help us out.
Oh?
Boy scout: And that's how you make proper square knot roop 212 style.
Go wolverines!
Yep, I think someone just earned a merit badge.
All right. Oh yeah.
Oh, I need whip cream and marshmallows.
And graham crackers. And chocolate!
Are we getting kinky here or are we making s'mores?
I can multitask.
Don't move.
(Cell phone rings)
Ooh. Hey, Nancy.
Are you sure? Yeah, okay, I'll be right there.
Hey, Joe? Nancy just went into labor, Bob's in France, and I have to drive her to the hospital.
Do you need me to untie you?
Please, honey. I got this!
Mel: Okay.
Joe: These things are actually tighter than I thought, sweetie.
(Grunts)
Come on.
Okay. Okay, I'm gonna just go like...
(Grunts)
(Grunts)
Come on!
Mel? Joe?
I think I left my phone here.
Is anybody home?
Hello?
Mel!
Oh thank God! Can you come up here please, honey?
Need a little help in here, honey.
Mel?
Well, hello, Joe.
Thanks a lot, boy scouts.
Well, look at this.
Chapter seven in the flesh.
I'm warning you lady...
My feet are deadly weapons.
Oh sure. Act like you don't want this.
I don't. I don't want this.
I can read between the lines.
There are no lines, all right? Get away from me.
You're a terrible person. You write terrible books.
Terrible?
That's a little harsh.
Come on, look at you. You write smut.
You threatened a man in his own home.
I write feminine erotica.
You can't even admit what you do. Lady...
You write p*rn!
I know, I know!
I wanted to write children's books, but the market is oversaturated.
Oh, I'm living a lie.
I feel so embarrassed.
(Crying) Oh God, oh God.
Excuse me. Before you fall completely apart, can you maybe untie me?
Oh God. "Noelle Devereux" isn't even my real name.
I'm really Suzy Dorfman.
My publisher didn't think that was sexy enough.
I got lucky with one book and now I have this image to maintain.
I'm not into bondage.
I don't even like putting a leash on my dog.
(Crying)
Noelle, Suzy... Whoever you are.
I'm really starting to lose feeling in my hands.
Of course, of course. I'm so sorry.
Okay.
Wow, that's really tight.
Yeah, it is. Yeah.
Let me get on top.
All right.
Is that the best you can do? You're not even getting it off.
If you'd stop resisting and start relaxing...
Joe: I...
(Grunts)
What the hell?
Mel!
Honey... Hey, this is not really what it looks like.
Noelle stopped by because she lost her phone.
It's true. I left it here but I...
I just don't remember where.
And you thought bouncing on my husband might jog your memory?
Okay, so, Cassandra, you just met my character at a party and you think he's pretty cute.
Actually, she's just drunk.
Thank you.
So we're about to make out and it'll dissolve to the shoes by the bed just like the foreshadowing poster.
That was my idea.
I know, Sam. Shut up.
And we're rolling.
This is the part where you say action, Lennox.
Yeah, I'm getting there.
Action or whatever.
You know, I... I don't even know your name.
And you don't need to. Now shut up and make yourself useful.
- Cut!
What... what... What's wrong?
Nothing. That was a great take. I think we got it.
All right, moving on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, 'cause it says in the script that Cassandra and one-night-stand guy kiss passionately.
Actually...
It says that Cassandra kisses the stranger like his tongue is a life-saving elixir and she'll die if she doesn't swallow it whole.
Okay, you kissed. Get the idea.
Can I talk to my co-director...
In there?
Oooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
I thought you didn't have a problem with me and McKenna dating?
I don't. What makes you say that?
Come on. You're ruining a key part of the film just because you don't want to see me and McKenna kiss.
You really want another take?
Yes, I think the integrity of your script and the moment demands it.
(Mocking) Oh, "integrity of my script."
Fine. Let baby have his bottle.
I'm sorry. I'm not a bad person.
I've just been playing this character that's not me, and things just got out of hand.
Please believe me.
It's okay, Noelle.
Oh, and here's your phone.
Call me Suzy. I'm really Suzy.
I promise I'm gonna stop writing this trash.
Oh, wait. Not before you finish writing Lovers In Bondage two, right?
What are you smiling for?
Oh, because she's a big phony.
Why can't you let this go? Whats really bothering you?
You want to know what's bothering me? I don't understand why you need to keep reading this p*rn.
I don't understand why you need to look at all those links that Charlie's always sending you.
I never opened up those picture.
One in ten.
All right, five in ten.
So, we agree.
Men and women each have their own p*rn.
Yeah, fine, we do. But we don't have clubs devoted to it.
All right? Guys, you know, we enjoy our p*rn alone and ashamed just like God intended.
My point is, clearly, different things turn on men and women.
Fine, I get it. All right, men, we like our pictures.
Women, you all like your stories.
Yes, because men are visual and women are better.
All right.
You like stories, huh?
I got a story for you.
It's about this incredibly handsome former Wall Street titan who was in desperate need of a job.
Not now, not gonna happen.
You're gonna wanna hear this story because it's got an amazing ending.
So, one day, this, um...
This..
Amazingly masculine man, building with maleness.
Showed up at the door of this very, very accomplished blonde.
Was she hot?
Smoking. Smoking.
Okay, then go on.
Okay, all right.
So, obviously she hired him immediately.
And every morning, he would make her coffee.
And he would watch her as she brought that cup of coffee to her lips.
And as she took that cup of coffee and slowly drank that thick, dark, brown liquid...
No, no, no. No, no. Not sexy.
I'm sorry, this is my... It's my first novel.
Will you just give me a break, here? All right, okay.
So... so every morning, as she would drink her coffee, she would look across her cup at that insanely ripped man and she would wonder what it would feel like if he was...
Up against her, pressing her with all of his...
Male...
Male...
Maleness.
Okay, not bad.
But, I don't know, it's not going on my nightstand just yet.
Well, one night in New Jersey, this hot stud couldn't take it anymore.
And he gave in to his desire to have this hot blonde.
At that moment, his lips touched hers for the first time...
Bingo! Upstairs, now.
Wait a minute!
I'm not finished.
You better not be.
(Zander moans)
You wrote one steamy scene, Lennox.
And they are nailing it.
Must be awesome to have your vision realized.
Yeah, you know what else I'm visualizing?
You shutting up.
Well, I don't think they're acting.