01x02 - Episode 2

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Previously on The Marriage Of Reason And Squalor...

'Chlamydia moistened her fun hole with the tip of her glosser and blushed in reciprocation of the male biology parading its fitness before her. Poor old Algernon was nowhere to be seen.'

Oh!

'And Helmut's mitts were all over her like a rash, his busy mouth nibbling and biting and biting and nibbling so stealthily, as though he were busy burying a great big... bone.'

I said, "Who are you? And what the hell are you doing in my house?"

A glass of water!

All I wanted was a glass of water.

Really?

Well, I'm afraid your... hydration doesn't interest me in the slightest.

My home isn't predisposed to the incompetence of tourists.

Your thirst doesn't provide you permission to barge into my home!

Oh, my!

And so you begrudge me a glass of water?

No-one can begrudge you anything you're prepared to steal.

Well... how predictably ungenerous of you.

A genius at work has no time for generosity.

Especially when he's disturbed.

Oh! I'm terribly sorry!

I had no idea that you were disturbed.

Hm.

'But who was this enigma before me - charismatic and strange? A weary celebrity of some sort? A humble recluse?'

Well, don't you know who I am?

Why? Have you forgotten?

Oh! Very good!

Very good. Very funny. Bravo.

Bravo. Very good.

She has spirit! Mm.

You know you have timeless beauty.

And if I were prone to the witless mysticism of the common Untermensch I would swear you were the very reincarnation of the Goddess Sephira.

What's your name?

Chlamydia.

Chlamydia Love.

Chlamydia Love.

What a sublime alignment of nouns!

A truly beautiful name.

It's Greek.

It's contagiously popular.

Delightful.

Delightful.

Helmut Mandragorass - at your service.

'How could I allow this charlatan to cause me such disturbance, when my perfectly perfect fiance was probably, as we speak, voyaging across the oceans to join me in Morass?'

'Look! He wants me to believe he's the owner of this ostentatious house and yet... he has the personal demeanour of a pig. Worse! A common, everyday squatter.'

You said... ssssquatter!

Squatter?

You'd better go. Retrace your steps.

I must return to my work. Go!

Go. Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Shoo! Shoo! And if I don't?

You'd better.

Would would you do if I don't?

Something we'll both regret.

Is that...?

Aren't you afraid it'll erupt?

Everything erupts!

I'm so sorry. I'm... Oh!

'Something about him made me forget I was already engaged to the most perfect man in all the world. Staring deep into Helmut Mandragorass's eyes, Algernon's face became a distant blur. A sweet marriage of reason and squalor!'

Algernon.

Did you say Algernon?

Algernon Hertz?

DOCTOR Algernon Hertz?

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well.

So, he sent you.

What a surprise!

You know Algernon?

Well, of course you do.

He, um... he owns the island.

That fraud doesn't own Morass.

I do.

Yes, I do do.

He covets what he can't have!

And he can't have Morass!

He'll do anything and use anyone to get it!

You're wrong. He wouldn't use me.

He loves me unconditionally.

Like a puppy loves its slipper?

Or a kitten loves catnip?

More like a cr*ck baby loves its mummy's teat!

Go, then.

You find gravity in your favour.

..I was wondering if I could trouble you for a glass of water.

A genius at work has no time for generosity... climbing up there.

You'll wish you'd never came...

It's like dot-to-dot.

How, exactly?

Well, it's like... I'm trying to join the dots up, one to one, but...

"But..." what?

One to one to two to three to four to five, six, seven, but every time I do, it's always just a mess.

I... I don't understand.

Is this a dream or is it something real?

No. This is not a dream!

This is a nightmare!

This is what I'm TRYING to tell you.

I try to join the dots up.

Dot to dot to dot to dot to dot to dot.

But then - no picture!

Nothing! Just scribble!

So, if I understand what you're saying...

What I am saying... is why is there never a picture?

Huh?

I'm going to show you some pictures and I want you to tell me what you see.

What do you see here?

Flower.

And this one? Butterfly.

And this one? Dog.

And this one?

Where am I?

I thought you might like to... see something of the island?

Madame Terreblanche, my housekeeper, was coming into town anyway for some supplies, so a little tour was no trouble at all.

Oh.

There's not much left to see of old village life - loos, broken nets.

No fishing now. That's all gone.

Hm. Most of our supplies come in from the mainland.

And how long have you lived here, on the island?

Oh, forever! Forever!

For ever.

And how long have you known him?

Algernon. How long have you known Algernon?

Well... we grew up together.

We were inseparable when we were young.

Then, of course, we... went our separate ways.

And don't you miss him? Look!

Look, look! Over there.

There! Oh! Where?

Oh! Oh, Helmut! Oh, there!

It's so beautiful!

Oh, yes, I see them!

There, there!

Look, there! Yes.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, Helmut, it's breathtaking.

You must listen to me.

He's using you.

Those sunbeam promises are not what they seem.

You must shake off whatever promise you made to that man before it's too late.

Oh! Look!

Listen... How can you be so sure?

Because I know. I KNOW!

Oh, look. Did you see over there?

What is that...?

I think it's a hummingbird.

Because I know about human behaviour!

I observe it and describe it.

Do you have... no idea who I am?

Not at all?

I'm usually recognised on sight.

Who are you, then?

Why don't you tell me?

Isaiah, old boy, did you find that book I left you on your rocking chair?

Yes, boss. I found it.

Isaiah's my most vociferous critic.

Explaining Christians To Dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs. Mm-hm.

'Tis a fine thing, boss.

A very fine thing.

A courageous task, indeed, to take on creation.

But to what end?

Those fossils may be a grave matter to the truth of Genesis, but nobody said that blind faith was anything to do with truth.

The world turns just the same without need of proof.

Indeed. Indeed, indeed.

I say truth is a matter for the white folk.

Thank you for your concern, Mr Mandragorass, but you really couldn't be more wrong about Algernon.

You mustn't let me keep you from your work.

I'd hate to deprive the world of a Mandragorass masterpiece...

And this is the church!

I'm sure I can find my own way back to the hotel.

Madame Terreblanche!

Come... Come to me. Come.

And they accuse me of... hiding away, of being reclusive.

It is not just the company of women I avoid.

Do you really find h*m* sapiens so wretched?

I have homes dotted all over the place.

But Morass is headquarters for inner contemplation.

It's an exquisite island.

Fauna and flora complement each other perfectly. The sea's glorious.

The volcano's a wonderfully unique asset.

We should go.

Will you take me back to the hotel?

Chlamydia, please... wait a while.

Huh. I can't.

Why?

You know why.

He's a fraud.

No, wait. I'll take you back.

Mustn't wander round the island on your own after dark.

Thank you for a magical day, Mr Mandragorass.

Thank YOU for accompanying me.

Goodbye, Helmut.

W-why don't you join me for dinner?

It seems silly not...

I could rustle something up.

Rustle?

"A very fine thing, boss. Very fine thing."