01x09 - Starring Mr. Mike, Joseph McCarthy and Alfred Bernhard Nobe

[bunniefuu]

Thom: Previously on "Happyish"...

Do you remember when we first met?

I came in here and I said, "Hey, Larry Nash, love your work. I just started here." And you know what you said?

What?

I'm sorry to hear that.

Come on, you can't fire Larry.

He's just had a baby.

They're stock photos.

He puts them up so we don't fire him.

That's genius.

They moved your office.

Why?

This is the new ideation room.

Lee: An ideation room?

Thom: An ideation room.

Contemplation corner.

Well, you know, to be fair, it helps with the "au-think-ification."

Ah.

These may be our enemies abroad.

These are our enemies at home.

Parents.

f*ckin' boomers.

Thom, you feel bad about every Army assignment.

That's why we love you.

Maybe I should enlist.

I'll bring Julius. Take your son to w*r day.

I'm hoping we don't get that desperate.

(both laugh)

♪ If you're happy and you know it ♪
♪ Clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it ♪
♪ Then m*therf*cking show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it ♪
♪ Clap your m*therf*cking hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it clap your hands ♪

(woman screaming)

(screaming stops)

Sorry. (chuckles)

What's up?

Um...

Thom, uh...

Larry committed su1c1de last night.

What?

I just... I found out this morning.

Dani sent me an article.

He'd been having trouble at home, and... uh, he...

What are you talking about?

He was recently terminated at his longtime place of employment.

He had a fight with his wife.

Debbie: They'd been having troubles.

Jonathan: And he said he was gonna k*ll himself.

He went down in the cellar... the... propane tanks.

(voice breaking) His wife and kids got out just... just in time.

Jonathan: Yeah.

And they don't know if he was trying to... you know, if he was trying to k*ll them too.

(yelps)

(gasps)

Thom: The thing about su1c1de, I think, is this.

We get it.

We totally get it.

Ending it, throwing in the towel.

f*ck it. f*ck all of it.

We don't condone it. We don't forgive it.

But we totally, totally get it.

(phone dials)

(line ringing)

Larry: Hey, this is Larry. Leave me a message, and I'll return it as soon as possible. Thanks.

(line beeps)

Hey, Larry. It's Thom.

Uh, I just was in the office, and I... I heard you k*lled yourself last night.

So I just thought I'd call on behalf of the office and, uh, your friends and your family and your wife and your kids, and I thought I'd just call you and tell you what a piece-of-sh*t p*ssy I think you are.

You're a huge, huge f*cking piece-of-sh*t p*ssy, Larry.

So f*ck you.

f*ck you, you f*cking p*ssy f*ck!

Jonathan: This has been a tough morning for all of us.

So let's... let's just try and get through this as quickly as possible, okay?

Yes, let's... let's dive right in.

Well, it's very simple.

The problem for the Army is this.

The country is doing well.

The economy goes down, enlistment goes up.

The economy goes up, better options, enlistment tanks.

Yeah, we're having the same problem on the frozen pizza accounts.

Nobody eats that sh*t when things are good.

Yeah, f*ckin' recovery.

Whole thing is just a plot to weaken the m*llitary.

Guess Obama really is a secret Muslim.

Right, Thom?

What?

Gottfrid: I mean, Michelle, surely there must be a recession around the corner or so.

Michelle: We should be so lucky.

Unfortunately, all economic indicators point to continued growth.

My suggestion... fear.

The economy might be getting better, but the world is as dangerous as it ever was.

Don't let the numbers fool you.

We need to remind people of this.

We need to say it's not over.

Not by a long sh*t.

Thom: The boogeyman.

Exactly.

McCarthyism.

Yeah, it worked for McCarthy.

We had red scare.

We had yellow peril.

Welcome to the new "turban dread."

I like that.

Debbie: Yeah.

Fear is effective in any economy.

But doesn't it need a color?

You know, red scare, yellow menace.

What about something with sand?

Like, uh... like the desert.

Sand... band. Sand brand?

What about something with Muhammad?

Thom?

Like, uh, "Even mo' Hammad"?

Tracey: They want a color, Mikal.

Ooh. Harem scare 'em.

How is that a color?

What about the color of their turbans? White?

Oh, yeah. What about "white fright"?

That's good.

Yeah, I like "white fright."

It sounds too much like "white flight."

I think "turban dread" is more specific.

What about "tough Shiite"?

"Sunni Tunes"?

Announcer: Amazing inventions.

Incredible products.

Welcome to another episode of...

"I'll Take Two" with your host Jimmy Zales.

(cheers and applause)

(audience chanting) I'll take two! I'll take two!

(with Southern accent) Okay.

Depression.

(audience groans enthusiastically)

Anxiety.

(audience boos)

Doubt.

That creepy sensation that life is meaningless and destined to fail you.

(Audience groans)

You know, for centuries, mankind has struggled to try and find solutions to these problems.

But, ladies and gentlemen, today we have one.

I give you the world's first do-it-yourself-at-home lobotomy kit.

(cheering)

Now, the problem is not disease or w*r or anxiety.

The problem is our brain.

(audience boos)

Specifically, the prefrontal cortex.

(audience boos)

Now, about 50 years ago, a real smart guy called Dr. Antonio Moniz, uh, clever little Portuguese guy.

He wondered what would happen if we got rid of that horrible cortex.

Wouldn't people be happier?

(audience shouts in agreement)

And the answer is yes.

(cheering)

Now, I know some of you guys are thinking, "Hey, Jimmy, that sounds a little crazy."

You know how crazy that is?

You know what they gave Dr. Moniz?

Audience members: What?

You know what they gave that little guy?

Audience: What?

The Nobel Prize!

(cheers and applause)

That's right. For this.

(audience chanting) I'll take two! I'll take two!

Gottfrid: I'll tell you what the Army needs to do.

Have you seen that yogurt video?

The one with, uh... with the bear.

Chobani.

Mm, I thought it was Dannon.

The one with the bear on the street?

That was Yoplait.

Gottfrid: Yeah.

Chobani.

Are you sure?

Anyways, have you seen it?

Debbie: Yeah.

No, I have not.

Okay, so their whole marketing strategy is natural ingredients. Typical, yeah?

The TV campaign, average.

So they have the bear walk into the store looking for the natural ingredients and they give him the yogurt.

Whatever. It's not winning any One Show awards.

But the digital campaign is fantastic.

They set up all these little hidden cameras everywhere, and they put a guy inside of a crazy, realistic grizzly bear suit.

Yeah, some sort of a robotic sort of thing.

And they let him loose on the streets of New York, yeah?

People are freaking out.

Video went viral overnight.

Viral. So we're viruses now, right?

That bother anybody else?

They call it prank-vertising.

It's ridiculous.

It's immersive product engagement.

Regardless, the Chobani video got over 4 million YouTube hits, okay?

30,000 social shares.

I mean, did you see the LG one?

That one was really cool.

They do a film of a comet hitting the city center, and the screen is so realistic that people think, like, doomsday is happening.

You should see that, Jonathan.

It's... it's funny, but it's dead-on strategy.

I mean, 17 million YouTube views.

Last time I checked, over a million social shares.

What does this have to do with the Army?

Michelle was talking about fear.

Now, you can tell someone to be afraid of a bear.

You can tell them how dangerous they are.

And maybe they believe you and maybe they don't.

But you put a bear in the streets, you don't have to convince them of anything, okay?

So, what if we took a town, hmm?

Middle of the country.

Heartland. Yeah?

Thom, this is your account.

You tell us where.

And we pick a day.

Yeah. Easter. When Jesus was born.

That's when Jesus rose from the dead.

Even better. Even better.

And so everyone is coming out of the churches, yeah?

And they're on their way to baseball games and barbecues and apple pie, yeah?

Then, all of a sudden, a bunch of Muslim t*rrorists go running right into the church's parking lot.

(screaming)

Gottfrid: Two or three, you know, pickup trucks full of militants, and they're sh**ting their AKs in the air and yelling in Arabic.

(Yelling in Arabic)

Gottfrid: Imagine it... the look of terror on all the villagers' faces.

Some of them scream and some of them are running and some of them just throw their hands up and they surrender and they just... they don't know what to do.

Some of them are calling for their kids and calling for help, and they're screaming.

Then we cut right up to the leader.

Creepy little smile.

And then the title comes up, and it goes, "This isn't over. Stay strong. Army strong."

I mean, Thom, you can work on the line, but the video'll go viral overnight.

Guaranteed it blows up the Internet.

And we'll double the enlistment numbers of any month in the past three years.

That is wrong on every moral and ethical level I can think of.

Thank you.

But Christ Almighty, it would work like gangbusters.

(snorts) Hell, I'd enlist.

(all chuckle)

Thom, you know the general better than...

(glass breaks)

Jonathan: God damn it.

Jesus.

(sighs)

When is the Army meeting?

An hour.

f*ck you, Larry.

You're not quitting your job, Thom.

I am. I have to.

Fine, honey, maybe you will, but now is not the time to consider it when Larry just f*cking k*lled himself.

Maybe it is, Lee.

Maybe this is the best time.

No, it's not.

Do you know what I thought the second that you told me?

I thought, "I'm taking Julius to Hebrew school."

Lee, come on.

Death fucks with our heads, Thom.

I mean, I thought, "Maybe he should learn about his past.

Maybe he should know about his traditions.

Maybe I should give him something of meaning, something spiritual, something f*ckin' holy, for f*ck's sake.

Or maybe, I don't know, quit my job."

You know what Larry told me when we first met 20 years ago?

He said, "If I'm still in advertising when I'm 40, do me a favor.

Come find me and blow my f*cking brains out."

Hey, you can't sit here.

Why not?

Can't sit here.

I guess he just decided, you know, not to wait for me.

Thom, Larry did not k*ll himself because he was in advertising.

If anything, he k*lled himself because he wasn't.

I can't spend my whole life like this, Lee. I can't.

Let's go, pal. Move it.

Welcome one another as Christ welcomed you.

That's Romans 15.

Thom, who you talking to?

This guard's trying to throw me off the g*dd*mn church steps.

Okay, just go, Thom. Don't make it any worse.

I have to write, Lee. I have to make a change.

I'm not gonna ask you again.

All right. Okay. Can I stand?

Is it okay if I just stand?

You can stand where you like.

Thank you. God, that new Pope's really loosening things up, isn't he?

Lee: Thom. Thom?

Yes.

Thom, just come home.

I can't. I'm seeing Dani.

Thom, this is Larry's tragedy.

It's not yours.

Don't make it your tragedy.

Jonathan: Did you try his cell phone?

Twice.

Did you text him?

Three times.

f*ck.

Go down and wait for him in the lobby.

Got it.

When he gets here, tell him to get his melodramatic ass into the m*therf*cking Army meeting.

General. How are you, sir?

Good, good. How are you?

Good to see you.

Dani: You're not quitting, Thom.

I am. I am.

I can't do this anymore.

I have to. You've gotta find me something else.

"Here lies Thom Payne.

Wrote some Army commercials."

"Provided for his wife and son."

"Wrote taglines instead of novels."

"Put his family's needs before his own."

"Lived, ate sh*t, d*ed."

What does Lee think?

Why do you always wanna know what Lee thinks?

Because she's smarter than you are.

Thom, Larry did not k*ll himself because he worked in advertising.

He k*lled himself because he is a f*cking coward.

And probably because he no longer worked in advertising.

I keep thinking about God.

Is he hiring?

Oh, not me. I'm a fallen Catholic.

You know, God hates su1c1de.

Do you know why? Because he's a control freak.

Because he gets to decide who dies and when.

That's part of the fun of being God.

He creates these creatures and... and gets to push 'em around, but then one day the creatures realize, "Hey, we can k*ll ourselves.

We can check out of this shitty hotel any time we like," and that drives God crazy.

He's a classic type-A personality.

That's what I'm saying.

See, I find believing in God comforting.

Believing in God? You don't believe in anything.

Well, not a good God. A bad God.

Do you remember the watchmaker's analogy?

Remind me.

It's that teleological bullshit they used to teach us in school where you're walking through a desert and you see a watch in the sand, and it has all these intricate gears and shifts and beautiful engraving...

And anything that, uh, beautiful and perfect must have been built by somebody.

Yes. And this makes you feel better?

Do you want another round?

Uh, yeah. f*ck it.

I believe in the Swatch-maker analogy.

Something this shitty and cheap and ugly could not possibly be an accident.

sh*t this bad doesn't just happen.

Nope. Not at all.

Somebody had to unintelligently design this pile of crap.

(laughs)

Woman: Okay, kids. Who's ready to sing?

Here we go.

All: ♪ We obey His rules ♪
♪ He's a powerful God ♪
♪ When God says jump, we say how high... ♪

Very good!

I wanna go.

All right, soon, buddy.

Why are they wearing those hats?

Oh, those are called yarmulkes.

That's what Jews wear.

Am I a Jew?

Yeah, you are. So am I.

Is Dad a Jew?

Uh, no.

He's lucky.

♪ Don't watch TV or smoke cigars... ♪

I wanna go.

Okay, soon. Soon.

♪ Shabbos is the day we pray... ♪

What's Shabbos?

Oh, that... that means "Saturday."

They sure like Saturday.

Well, yeah. Who doesn't? Saturdays are awesome.

Great job. Give yourselves a round of applause.

Did you have a good time?

Children: Yes.

And who do we thank when we had a good time?

Children: God.

Why?

'Cause he's the ruler of the universe?

Well, that's debatable.

And why did he give us a good time?

Because we obeyed his commandments?

That's exactly right.

That's not true.

Woman: All right, I think it's time for a little

"Hashem is Here," okay?

♪ Hashem is here, Hashem is there... ♪

Who's Hashem?

That's Hebrew for "God."

What's God?

Ugh... I'll explain it later.

He sounds strict.

Well, you know, He runs a tight ship.

How can Hashem be everywhere?

I don't know.

Is he here now?

Uh, I guess so.

Is he there when I sleep?

(sighs) You know, why don't we talk about it in the car?

Let's go.

Is he there when I poop?

Okay, shh. Go, go, go, go, go.

♪ Hashem is here, Hashem is there ♪

♪ Hashem is truly everywhere... ♪

Can I take a cookie?

Mm.

Please.

Okay, but just one.

This is how they get you, you know.

It's a gateway cookie.

Pretty soon you're gonna be asking for a tallis.

What's a tallis?

Oh, it's like a cape.

Well, I want a cape.

Well, you're not getting a cape. Go.

(phone ringing)

General: Is this some kind of joke?

We know it's out of the box for you guys, but immersive product engagement can really move the needle. Worked wonders for Chobani.

Where's Thom?

Uh, Thom actually got called away.

Did he approve this?

General, your numbers are down.

And they're going to continue to go down unless you do something memorable...

General: Son, are you really proposing that we send a team of actors into an American small town and pretend it's a t*rror1st takeover?

Yes.

This is just one idea, obviously.

You folks are aware, are you not, that America has the highest g*n per capita ratio of any nation in the world?

There's 300 million g*ns out there.

The second closest is Serbia.

We are aware of that, General.

We think that g*n-ownership number reflects a unique paranoia opportunity that a staged t*rror1st takeover can play really well into.

The Army is not yogurt.

We don't engage in pranks.

And while we can debate whether or not g*n ownership indicates paranoia, there's no doubt that what it does indicate is the very heavy presence of g*ns.

I don't know what it's like where you're from, son, but you take a handful of actors, dress them up like Islamic t*rrorists, and drive them into the middle of small-town America,

I can assure you of one thing and one thing only.

There will be so many b*llet holes in those actors, their own mothers won't recognize them.

f*ck you, Larry.

Thom: I'll call them.

Yeah, you're g*dd*mn right you're gonna call 'em.

I was with Dani.

Oh, f*ck you, Thom.

I don't care if you were with God.

If you wanna quit, quit.

Don't take me down with you.

I am k*lling myself keeping the Swedes off you.

I am protecting you at every turn.

The Army is your biggest g*dd*mn account.

You're gonna f*ck around? Come on.

I can't do this anymore, Jon.

I can't. It's... it's always been sick, but lately it's just gotten viral.

It's a job, Thom.

It's supposed to suck.

The cavemen didn't like hunting, but they did it to stay alive.

The lion doesn't like chasing the gazelle, but he does it every day.

And I'll tell you something else.

The day the lion asks himself if he's right to k*ll the gazelle is the day the lion dies.

Make it right with the general today.

I was sorry to hear about Larry, Thom.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

We had a saying during Operation Iraqi Freedom, right?

Embrace the suck.

(both chuckle)

Yeah, you'd see it written sometimes, "ETS," on walls, on boots.

You gotta just embrace the suck.

It's true for life too.

Yeah, uh, look, General, I'm sorry I bailed on the meeting.

I just wasn't in the mood to talk about death and destruction today.

Yeah, no sh*t.

I remember when I first joined the m*llitary.

All us young soldiers prided ourselves, right, on our willingness to die for each other, for our country.

We thought it was the bravest thing you could do.

And then you get older.

And you fall in love and you get married and you have some kids.

And you realize it's a far braver thing to stay alive.

It's not what you'll die for.

It's what in this sometimes shitty world you'll stay alive for.

Yeah.

Gotta say, it's, uh, strange accepting that level of wisdom from someone with 35 confirmed kills.

37.

Oh, sorry. My mistake.

(both chuckle)

Thom as Jimmy Zales: Depression.

(audience boos enthusiastically)

Anguish.

(Audience boos)

Self-awareness.

(Audience boos)

I hate that.

Don't know what to do with your hands.

(laughter)

Incidents of depression after lobotomy... zero.

(cheers and applause)

Incidents of drug abuse after lobotomy... zero.

(cheers and applause)

Incidents of su1c1de after lobotomy...

Audience: Zero!

You know. You know. That's why... all right.

That's right.

Buy one, get a second one for a parent or a loved one half price.

That's why we say... "I'll take two!"

Lee: What about love, Thom?

You'll take... what?

After a lobotomy.

You'll never feel sadness, but you'll also never feel love.

Never feel joy.

(in normal voice) Yes, but you don't feel pain either.

Is that worth it, Thom?

Is it worth it to never feel pain again if you'll also never feel love?

I don't know.

I don't know.

You don't know?

There's a... there's a... a free carrying case.

You have to order it today.

(sighs)

Thom: When I was a teenager, my grandmother d*ed.

She and my grandfather had been married for 60 years, and as soon as she d*ed, he began to get sick.

The doctor said he had given up, that his body didn't want to live.

"Go and talk to him," said my mother.

"Tell him. Tell him to live."

So I went to him and I said, "Grandpa, you should live."

And he said, "Why?" He said, "I've had a good life.

But without my Phyllis, I just don't want to be here."

I decided that was all I ever wanted out of life, to meet someone I didn't want to live without.

Mm.

Um, just so you know, when we get really old, like crazy, shrunken old, and we're in diapers, if you die before me, I'm totally gonna k*ll myself.

Oh, no doubt. Me too.

Yeah. I mean that night.

Check, please.

Yeah. Good.

How are you gonna do it?

Mm, I don't know.

Bag of shrooms.

Wait for 'em to kick in, and then just walk into the ocean.

I want something quick, though, you know?

Handgun?

That's too clichéed.

Mm.

Someone's gotta clean up the mess.

No, um...

Head in the oven?

Too German.

Plastic bag on your head?

Yeah, but then, you know, what kind of bag?

You don't wanna be staring at a Target logo as you shuffle off your mortal coil.

Barnes & Noble bag?

Yeah, but, you know, that's... even then, you're staring at that f*cking James Joyce woodcut.

Maybe you could get Virginia Woolf.

Mm.

Maybe I could just f*ck myself to death.

You know, get a room full of hookers and booze and blow and... cookies.

And just f*ck and f*ck until my heart gives way and I just drop dead.

I mean, you only die once, right?

(line ringing)

Larry: Hey, this is Larry. Leave me a message, and I'll return it as soon as possible. Thanks.

(line beeps)

Thom: Hey, Larry, it's Thom.

Listen, if you didn't get my last message, just, you know, delete it.

Okay. Bye, Larry.

(dial tone)