Mel: Lennox, you want to do some reality TV binging with me? I was thinking we'd start with The Kardashians, into Naked Beverly Hills, into Pregnant Grandmas. And then, cap it all off with Adorable Animal Friends so we don't dwell on the downfall of humanity.
Aunt Mel, I can't. Okay? I'm too busy coordinating the next sh**t for the Cassandra movie.
Is everything okay? Your typing sounds very angry.
(Scoffs) Well, honestly if you must know, we're halfway through sh**ting the movie and Zander is still dating the actress who's playing a character based on me. (Chuckles) But you know what, I am so over it. (Pounds keys) I do not care.
The more you say it, the more I believe you.
Hey there, I'm back.
And yes, it went great.
What went great?
Oh, my, um, booking agent, Morris, set me up on an interview with the early morning talk show (deep voice) Wake up, Toledo!
(Normal voice) You say it like that because it's all caps with a little exclamation point.
Anyway, it went really well and I got the job.
So it turns out I'm going to be their new lifestyle correspondent.
You're going to be on wake up, Toledo!?
No, no. Honey, I'm going to be on (deep voice) Wake up, Toledo!
That's not gonna get old.
And by that, I mean congratulations.
You'll be fantastic!
Aw, thanks, honey. Yeah. Listen, have you seen my old alarm clock?
The really loud one, because I have to be there by 3:30, so I don't want to take any chances.
Wait, 3:30 am?
Yeah, strangely enough, the morning show is sh*t entirely in the morning.
Anyway, it goes on live at five.
That's not gonna be a problem, is it?
Well, (Scoffs)
Of course not.
You know, what's good for you is good for me.
(Alarm ringing)
Oh, the house is on fire! Save the valuables!
The house is not on fire, honey.
(Alarm stops)
It's my first day at work.
Oh. Oh, thank God.
Okay.
The most precious thing in this house is your shoes?
Well, I was also going to save our sex tape.
It's okay, sweetie. Just go back to sleep.
Okay?
Okay.
All right? All right. I love you.
Shh.
Mmm.
(Sighs)
(Clatter, glass breaks)
Damn! I...
It's okay, sweetie.
Go back to sleep, nothing to worry about over here, okay? Shh.
(Vacuum whirs)
For the love of...
Just a little broken glass here, I just don't want you to get hurt in the morning, honey.
I love you!
(Theme music playing)
♪ It's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good ♪
♪ all good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me ♪
(Mel yawns)
Did I miss it?
Was he on yet?
No, the lady from the zoo brought in the new baby meerkat.
But so far, he hasn't peed on anybody.
Oh, looks like you spoke too soon.
Oh, it's Joe.
Oh.
Joe: Thank you, Amber.
Later on, I'm gonna tell you how to get that stain out with just a little bit of club soda.
Morning, everybody.
I am Joe Longo, I am the new lifestyle correspondent right here at (Deep voice) Wake up, Toledo!
(Normal voice) I'm gonna be offering you unique tips on diet and exercise, plus we are gonna amp up your positive attitude so you too can live the Longo life.
Are you excited, Toledo? 'Cause I'm excited.
In fact, I'm stoked.
Who's stoked?
Yeah, I'm kinda stoked.
How about you, Aunt Mel?
Aunt Mel?
Aunt Mel!
Oh, save the shoes! Save the shoes!
This is who I am, Sergio.
Either accept it, or go find yourself a new girlfriend.
(Chuckles)
I have to say, McKenna...
Sorry, Cassandra, our movie's totally coming together.
You gave a great performance in that scene.
That was a tour-de-force.
I know, thanks.
I mean, it was a team effort.
Or whatever.
All right, I'm out. I gotta go to class.
Oh, okay. Well, we'll be hanging out later, right?
Yeah, maybe we can run a few scenes.
Do a little Improv.
Oh.
Mmm.
Okay.
(Giggles)
(Sighs) Improv is code for sex.
It's not code if you explain it.
Hey!
Hey!
There he is.
The world's most attractive TV correspondent.
Well, other than Anderson Cooper.
There he is!
The world's most attractive, heterosexual TV correspondent.
You know, I got to tell you it felt great to be able to connect with so many people at once.
So, what'd you think of the segment?
Awesome.
So awesome.
I mean, words cannot describe the awesomeness.
You didn't watch it, did you?
Well, not with my eyes but with my heart.
It's on so early. I promise I'll watch tomorrow.
It's okay, honey.
Dinner's on.
Where's your plate?
Oh, um, I ate at three. I have to hit the sack.
It's not even dark out and the mail hasn't come yet.
I have to get to bed early. Come on, I have to be there at 3:30 in the morning again.
But I haven't seen you all day, and I have other needs besides my need for food.
All right, come on.
I'll throw you one.
So, I just got the oddest email from Ivana.
She wants me to add more Cassandra scenes.
You know, I can't imagine why she'd want to do that.
Can you?
You know, I'll bet it's because Cassandra, that brilliant creation of yours, is a multi-layered character and we haven't even really begun mining her true potential.
Huh.
That's interesting, because Ivana used the exact same words.
Great minds.
Oh, please.
You're just trying to put off the inevitable.
Cassandra turning back into McKenna.
(Scoffs) This isn't about me and Cassandra.
This is about mining Cassandra's true character.
You know, delving deep, deep inside her.
Tapping her, every bit of her.
Okay, stop.
I don't want to hear about you tapping Cassandra.
I'll just write more scenes.
Thank you.
On behalf of Ivana.
Well, at least your job doesn't seem to be affecting our romance.
Honey, nothing is ever going to affect our romance.
You know why? Because we are hot.
Hot.
(Mel giggles)
Hot.
(Joe giggles) See ya.
Wait, what? Where are you going?
Well, I'm gonna go sleep in my old room.
What is this, sophomore year of college? I wanted to spoon.
No, honey, look, I don't want you waking me up when you get in bed, I don't want to wake you up when I get out of bed.
You know? It's really the best thing for both of us.
You're acting like I'm some kind of cheap booty call.
What? Come on. Of course I'm not.
No, honey.
You're my booty for life.
You know? You're my perma-booty.
(Chuckles) You're my, uh...
My booty and chain.
(Chuckles) No, I love you.
Hey, look, this was, uh...
This was...
This was nice.
I'll text you.
What?
That came out so wrong.
That isn't even what I meant. What I meant was...
I'll see you tomorrow. All right?
Here, you know what, you can have my good pillow.
Why don't you spoon with that?
It smells like me, which is, you know, why I love it so much.
Nope, can't do it. Sorry, sweetie.
Gotta have my good pillow.
Whew, it's back! Okay.
I love you. Night.
Hi, honey.
Hey.
It's 2:45, what are you doing up?
Well, I realized that if I want to spend some time with you, I'm gonna have to make some sacrifices.
But, it's worth it if I get to spend some quality time with my man.
Aw, thank you, honey.
I got to go.
What?
Yeah, I have to be in extra early today.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Are you kidding?
I mean, if it was any earlier, it would be yesterday.
What can I say? I have to stop at the market on my way in.
I'm doing a segment today on how to workout with a watermelon.
It's called, "lift it, then eat it."
Yeah, it's from a farm to table to mouth to muscles.
Love you. See ya.
Yeah, see ya.
One of these days.
(Groans)
Hey, I got your text that you finished the Cassandra scenes. Hand them over.
You wrote those in record time.
Let just say I was inspired.
Well, thanks for doing this.
For Ivana, 'cause Ivana thinks it'll be a good move.
I mean, there's no limit to the amount of stories that we can tell about this character. I mean, nothing can stop Cassandra.
You k*lled Cassandra?
Yep.
And who knew how fun it is to write a death scene?
I mean, it's no wonder George R. R. Martin is always smiling.
Ivana's gonna hate this.
Yeah, well, Ivana read it and sent me this text:
"Great ending. I love a good death scene. don't change a word."
There's many ways to interpret that.
Admit it, the only reason you wanted me to write more was so you could keep your sham relationship with McKenna going.
You're dating a character.
Okay, when the film wraps, McKenna's gonna go back to being the same bubbly cheerleader who said her favorite color is glitter.
(Scoffs)
So?
Glitter is beautiful.
And it never, ever goes away.
Who doesn't love glitter?
McKenna wanted to go to the zoo to pet the unicorn.
Because she believes in beautiful magic.
Is that so wrong?
Man!
I cannot wait to crash out. I'm telling you.
7:15! What am I still doing up? Honey?
I got to go to bed right now, all right, this is me kissing you good night.
Mwah!
Whoa.
Someone got a date?
Don't you remember?
The campaign investor is coming over tonight to decide if he's gonna give me money.
Oh, yeah. Right, right, right.
For your congressional campaign.
Exploratory campaign.
Well, wish me luck.
Wait a minute, wait. I thought that he wanted to meet both of us.
You know, to see if we had what it took to be an electable power couple.
Well, yeah, Joe. But you're about to fall asleep.
No, I'm gonna splash some water on my face and I'm gonna wake up because I need to be there for you.
(Doorbell rings)
Oh, that's him.
All right, whatever. I'm ready, let's go meet him.
Whoa, hey. You're still in your pajamas.
Yes I am.
Okay, Cassandra, action.
Well, this sucks.
Even though I can see the future, I could not see my own death.
Oh, here's a tip: If you're fighting with hyenas over the last chicken leg, let the hyenas win.
Later.
And... don't say cut.
Maybe she can pull through.
No. She dies.
Cut!
All right, guys, we are wrapped on Cassandra.
Oh, and if you're hungry, please feel free to help yourself to the extra blood and guts marinara, courtesy of Kayla's grandma.
Nice work.
Yeah, you did great, honey.
That was so much fun!
I can't believe it's over.
Welcome back, McKenna.
Are we still going out tonight?
Yeah, of course.
Why wouldn't we?
(Giggles)
(Gasps) Oh my God!
My glitter lip gloss, how I've missed you.
(Chuckles) Have fun on your date.
Well, Mel, what I've learned in politics is that people aren't just voting for the candidate, they're voting for the family.
And that's why you're here to meet my family. Right, Joe?
(Snores)
Did he just fall asleep while I was talking?
No, his eyes are open.
(Snores)
The man is snoring.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Hey, Joe. You didn't fall asleep, right?
No.
What? No, I was concentrating.
I was listening, um, to every single word.
That, uh... that, um...
Hank.
Hank was saying.
Will you excuse us for a second?
Listen...
Yeah?
You either go upstairs to bed, or you perk up.
Perk up. Perk up. That's...
Actually a good idea.
Gotta perk up, gotta perk up.
Gotta... ow!
You know what? I don't think coffee's gonna do the trick.
What else do we got? Let me see.
Okay, energy drinks.
Let's see, the caffeine in one can is equivalent to nine cups of coffee.
Oh, yeah.
Baby.
All right.
I'm telling you, Hank, you can not go wrong with Mel Burke as your congressman...
Congresswoman... Congressperson... Representative.
Okay, because Mel Burke, Mel Burke, man, she is representative of the kind of representative you want representing your constituency.
Joe, if I may...
No, I'm not done here, honey.
(Stuttering) See, see, see, Mel, Mel, Mel Burke, Hank, has the constitution to defend the constitution on behalf of the constituency, consistently. All right?
Insistently, persistently.
What do you think?
Joe, there's a fire in your eyes.
Like some sort of lunatic asylum is burning down.
(Laughs) Stop talking.
You know what, honey? I got one more thought.
One more thought.
No, you don't.
No, you don't. Go get the cannoli.
Yes!
Yes! The cannoli. Oh!
I made cannolis.
Yesterday, I made ravioli, but tonight...
Cannoli.
Uh, look, Joe's just overtired.
I know his behavior may seem a little odd.
I hadn't noticed.
Oh, yeah.
Come on, baby. Oh, let me smell these.
(Sniffs) Beautiful!
(Sneezes)
Oh, well.
(Grunts)
Sorry, guys. There was a little incident with the dessert.
(Sniffing) There's a very simple explanation.
All right.
I've seen this before.
Look, Mel, there's a lot of pressure on a campaign, and it's no place for a coke addict.
A w... a what?
No! (Sniffs) Where on earth would you get that idea?
Well, thank you for tonight.
It's been interesting.
It's not what it looks like. I told you, Joe is just sleep deprived.
Can I please have my coat?
Yeah, as soon as you let me explain.
I'll explain, I'll explain. All right, look, the truth is, Frank, I mixed some substances that I probably shouldn't have.
Hank.
Hank!
Well, admitting you have a problem is a good first step.
(Stammers) What? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Caffeine substances.
Hank, caffeine.
Yeah. I've had coffee before, and it never looked like this.
I please have my coat?
Until we clear this up, this coat is my hostage. (Chuckles)
Look, Mel, I still think that you're a great candidate, just call me when he gets clean and sober.
But...
Now.
Will you please give me my coat?
My keys are in there.
He's not a drug addict!
He's a morning lifestyle correspondent!
Joe, where do I even begin?
What can I do? You know, you told me to perk up. I perked up.
All I had, honey, was the equivalent to 18 to 20 cups of coffee.
I don't feel good.
(Both giggling)
You know what?
It's been so long since I've gone out with someone who didn't make sarcastic comments about everything.
Including me.
(Giggles) Zander, you're so funny.
You know, I think I could really get used to this.
What do you mean "get used to this"?
We've been going out for a month.
But we weren't really going out.
You were playing Cassandra the whole time, who's based on Lennox, who was my girlfriend.
So, naturally, that appealed to me.
Hold on. That was why you were attracted to me?
Well, yeah.
But now I'm getting to know the real you, and I really like that person.
So this whole time, I was just a Lennox substitute?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Now, can we just go to bed? We can get our minds off this, Cassandra.
I mean, Lennox.
I mean, um, um... McKenna.
Oh, boy.
(Sighs)
What can I say? I'm sorry I messed things up, Mel.
I was just trying to be there for you.
That wasn't you. That was some kind of sweaty, cannoli-snorting, coffee monster.
Look, maybe we just can't be there for each other while our schedules are like this.
You know, maybe we just have to accept that.
Hey, I hope you're not asking me to quit my job, honey, because a lot of viewers rely on me.
Well, then I guess you should get to bed.
Yeah. You're right.
I guess, you know, I probably should.
Although, with a blood caffeine level of 9.0, I don't think I'm gonna be sleeping till next week.
(Giggles) 'Cause I'm... Whoo, jittery.
Well, miss Lennox, you were wrong.
I went out with McKenna, and she was herself, and I liked her for herself, and she liked me, and I had a great time. So there.
Then what are you doing here?
I didn't say she had a great time.
McKenna dumped me.
What? Why?
Because I realized you were right.
I was dating a character and the only reason I was drawn to her was 'cause she was a version of you.
And when I told her that...
You told her that?
How can men be so stupid in an age where you can just go online and search what not to do?
I was trying to be honest with her.
Well, this is what you get for going out with a lesser version of me.
(Scoffs, chuckles)
I was going out with the nicer version of you.
Ugh!
Oh, like it's some secret that you're difficult?
I am not difficult.
Okay, I am deep.
And apparently, all you can handle is someone shallow.
This, coming from the girl who dated Marco, the welder.
I've eaten yogurt smarter than that guy.
Yeah, well, he was hot.
Yeah, well, McKenna was hot.
That's only because I'm hot.
Of course you're hot.
Well, so are you.
There's nothing like the original.
Just because we had sex, does not mean we are back together.
Gotcha. Loud and clear.
But that being said, maybe we should do it again.
Just to get it out of our systems.
I was thinking the same thing.
Great minds.
Great news, Joe.
We are up 40% over last month.
No way, that's fantastic!
And we owe a lot of that to you.
800 new viewers is big.
(Chuckles) Okay. Wow. Eight Hun... 800?
Yeah.
How many people watch this show?
Well, now, two...
Million?
Thousand.
We are finally close to b*ating our competition.
We have competition at 5 A.M.?
Oh, yeah. Knives, knives, knives has been kicking our butts for years.
People love knives.
(Chuckles)
Ey.
Why are you setting the table for two?
Didn't you have dinner at lunchtime?
No, I've actually been doing a lot of thinking about what you said.
And you know what? I realized, honey, that no job is worth missing out on time with you.
So, today, I told the show that I quit.
Oh, Joe.
I'm so touched, but I don't want you to quit your job for me.
You should go right back there and get that job back.
Hey, listen to me. Listen to me.
My family is more important to me than some TV show.
But Joe, this is your big break.
This is everything you ever wanted.
I'm gonna call them right now and tell them that you changed your mind and you want your job back.
Only 2,000 people watch the show!
More people are watching some guy cut through a tire with a Kn*fe.
Oh, knives, knives, knives?
It's on at 5 A.M. how do you know about that?
I record it.
You... Look, the point is, honey, I am not gonna sacrifice our relationship for only 2,000 viewers.
Oh.
So you found out not as many people watch the show as you thought they did and that's why you quit?
No, honey.
No, what I was thinking about was that 2,000 people was a very low number.
And I thought to myself, self... 2,000 is so low.
That reminds me of the low number of times that romantically...
Okay, you know what, you are gonna hurt yourself trying to put those two thoughts together.
Honey, listen to me...
Before you say anything else stupid, just kiss me.
You know, honey, I really appreciate you quitting your job...
For us, but tell me, if there had been 10,000 viewers, would you still have quit?
Yes, of course.
What if it had been 10 million?
Yes, of course I'd quit.
You took too long to answer.
Look, look, the point is I know my job made a sacrifice and we had to miss out on a lot of time together.
So, tell me, how can I make it up to you?
Well, there is one thing that I've missed the most since you've been sleeping in your old room and waking up early.
Oh, I bet I can guess what it was.
Mmm, your spooning.
Aw, baby.
(Giggles) Your spooning coffee into the coffee maker.
Yeah, I haven't had a decent cup since you took that damn job.
Before you say anything else stupid, shut up and kiss me. - No.
Coffee.
Okay.